Freaking out

I've lost about 8 pounds in the past couple weeks. I'm so fucking stressed. I got my first "mean" anonymous comment on my last post. J. and I got back together but on serious rocks. Just got home from work and I'm having a panic attack. My heart is racing, I'm shaking, I feel like I'm going to throw up. God help me.

eff you see kay

J. and I broke up.

Still waiting on my Dad's biopsy results.

No new car yet.

My heart aches, it's broke.

Today: 2 small slices of toasted bread. 1 apple. 1 banana.

Nothing more. My stomach is burning with sickness. My vision is blurred. I am so so sad, and so not hungry.

Like a prayer

I'm down a few more pounds. I didn't feel anything, happy or sad, when I saw the number. I just felt numb.

Today I will find out more about my Dad. Right now he is at the hospital with my Mom. I'm hoping for the best but so stressed. I am not hungry at all, my stomach feels sick. I'm coping by smoking, listening to music, and surfing the web for an hour before work, my go-to daily dose of distraction.

My brother and I just had an awkward encounter in the kitchen. We're both petrified. We can't even talk about it.

I'm a little annoyed J. hasn't called me yet today. Doesn't he know I need him? I mean, I'm not exactly calling or texting him, haven't since last night. But still. This is serious and I'd appreciate a nice phone call. From anyone. When was the last time one of my girl friends just called me to chat?

He's going to be ok he's going to be ok he's going to be ok he's going to be ok he's going to be ok.

I had a decent weekend considering the doom and gloom residing over my house. J. and I had dinner then met up with some friends for drinks. I'm such a light eater around him. I've figured out how to impress men (when it comes to dining styles): order whatever the hell you want (within reason-make sure you get some veggies) and then eat half of what's on the plate. It fills you up (briefly) and he thinks you don't diet, you just "get full fast".

And people who don't "clean their plate" don't get fat.

***

Stay strong for you, me, the world.

Think thin because thin people are sexier and easier on the eyes.

And it feels good to be thin...the envious stares, the roaming eyes, the concerned looks when you say "no thanks" to whatever food they offer. Actually I make it a point to eat in front of my friends.

***

J. just called me. I was freaking out for nothing, as per usual.

Gotta jet. I'll keep you updated if you keep my family in your prayers.

XO
-Sar-

The waiting game

My Dad is really sick. They don't know what's wrong. My thoughts are taking me places I don't want to go, imagining scenarios I am not ready to deal with. I'm scared. For him, and for our family.

I'm convinced my younger brother has an eating disorder (too). He is scary skinny. He is all bones.

My car has officially taken a shit. I need a new one. I'm willing to bite the bullet and get another, but the timing is awful. We are waiting for some test results concerning my Dad. The underlying message is that I just need to deal with this for now, get rides to and from work, etc.

I'm pissed, anxious, don't feel like waiting. I'm miserable. My skin is acting weird, very dry and blotchy on my face. My hair is greasy and the curls look like shit. I took scissors to my bangs the other day and that was a stupid ass mistake on my part.

I thought the weekend was supposed to be relaxing, I'm so high strung I'm not even hungry.

I don't know what to do. I am trying to take one thing at a time. I need my Dad to get diagnosed and better. Everything is so unstable right now.

J. and I got in a terrible, horrible fight last weekend. We broke up. Then talked and made up. We are ok but I am still walking on eggshells a bit. I can't lose him.

We had a nice Valentine's day. We made breakfast together and exchanged sappy cards. He got me a bouquet of wild flowers, I got him candy and "sex dice". The flowers had to be moved out of my room and on to the dining room table because the smell was really bothering me. He could have gotten me tulips, my favorite. But I was happy to get anything after such a ridiculous blow out.

Just needed to update. My life seems to be in shambles. I need to breathe. Any words of wisdom or positive comments are welcome. Please say a prayer or send good vibes for my Dad. Thanks, darlings.

XO
Sar


((Think Thin))

Falling in obsession

Hey there, sorry about the gaps in posting. I've been experiencing inner turmoil, as per usual. But I don't want to talk about any of that. I'm sitting here, before work, drinking coffee and smoking. Like I've done hundreds of times. I do the same thing, day after day, hardly any changes.

I'm seeing a new therapist. Went for the first time yesterday morning. I need to deal with the fire and my emotions surrounding the whole experience and after effects. The sadness and fear slip out of my tightly controlled guard in inappropriate places. Like work. Or when I'm talking to J.

I can't think straight lately. If you're a long time reader, you know that I tend to be obsessive with the men in my life. Things with J. are going good, we stayed overnight in a nearby ski town this past weekend (what a workout!!) with another couple. We have fun together and I feel that I can talk to him about most things.

I just think about him all.the.time. It can't be healthy. Like right now for instance. It's one in the afternoon. I haven't heard from him yet. The last time we texted was around one in the morning. I'm freaking out, worried, feeling rejected. My heart aches, I am vulnerable.

I won't text him, or call him, or email him. I'll get ready for work and go to work and push him out of my mind. Because I'm scared that I'm falling in love with him. I'm scared that I need him. This relationship terrifies me but thrills me.

Any advice?

****

Got to shower. Think thin, Stay strong. Every day I look at my self in the mirror, naked and with a critical eye. I notice my imperfections. The good thing about fat is that you can make it go away. It's as simple as eating less.

XO
~S


[EDIT]

He called about 15 minutes later. I was high so it wasn't a great conversation. Relationships are fucking complex.