Could this be love?

Sooo in an awesomely unexpected turn of events, me and tinder guy are "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend. We had the "talk" last night, after an amazing, day-long date. He brought it up.

I know, I know. You're like..but Sar, weren't you guys fighting? Well yeah, but I have ptsd and fight with everyone. He is the first guy in FOREVER I've trusted enough to talk about it with.

Last weekend was a game changer for us. After the fight I believe I blogged about (which wasn't so much a fight, but a texted miscommunication) I took matters into my own hands. I went over there and we talked and just held each other. It was such a nice closeness.

Bringing it back to the present, yesterday he came here and we went to the art festival, then an hour long walk down this long ass pier in my city, then back to my place for cuddles and talking, then dinner, then a drink, then back to my place. *swoons* We were making out and it was getting hot and of course I'm on my period so no sex. I did see his dick and. it's. HUGE.

Oh my god. Is this real?????

He said, are you my girlfriend? I went mute haha. But yeah, so that's what's up.
We just click. We have great chemistry. We laugh. We hold hands. We have fun. This is a breath of fresh fucking air.

___________

Today is Sunday. I just woke up. We are hanging out again!!! :-) I am having some coffee and then getting ready and going there for some canoeing and then a free show by his place!!

I couldn't even sleep last night. I couldn't eat yesterday. I starved all day. On purpose, duh. I have been keeping my weight in check and losing a little. He thinks my body is perfect. He literally said that.

For blog purposes I must give him a name. I can't keep calling him tinder guy. OK. From here on out, he is D.

*sigh*

I'm on cloud 9.

Welcome, new follower!! And thanks for the comment.

xxooo
Sar

Unspeakably depressed

I'm not sure how everything got so messed up. Things with tinder guy have boiled over. We fight way too much. Can you believe that? We've been talking for a month, chilled twice, yet we...fight? Too much, too soon, and it's sad. I was really feeling it for him but we clearly bring out each other's nasty sides. Needless to say, we did not get together thursday as planned. It's a long ass story. Blame it on me.

I had a tough week. That is, I had a good week on the surface, but mentally I was a mess. The other day I woke from a flashback nightmare about the fire. I jumped up out of bed, literally gasping for air, clutching my chest. My heart was FLYING. I could not calm down. It was terrifying. It started my weekend off on an incredibly unstable note. I smoked to dull the pain. I ate a bunch of shit. I grew depressed as the hours passed.

I am pathetic still. I see and feel myself pushing everyone away, just everyone. Door shutting over my face and locking. Guard up, intact, impenetrable. I can't seem to change this. Maybe I don't really want to.

I hate this.

-s

Compared to the morbidly obese, you are thin

Why did I just binge the weekend away? Oh right, I'm unnaturally obsessed with stalking tinder guy. I added him to a 'close friends' list on facebook. Now I can see his every (public) move. My day hinges on that. Did he become "friends" with girls? Check yes and binge on burrito. Did he add pictures of girls? Check yes and binge on devil's food cookies.

I am DISGUSTING and PATHETIC and I HATE myself for allowing my self worth to depend upon his social media moves/amount of communication with me.

He's not a terrible person, guys. He's one of those people who constantly adds stuff/updates his page. I am not like this. He is my opposite astrologically as well.

We have chilled twice. He gave me flowers. We have plans this week. I think he's just very popular, with both sexes. Again, this is the opposite of me. I do not have many friends.

He's 33 but I don't know if he's looking for a relationship. I do know he has a five week trip to South America coming up this winter. So wherever our relationship is at that point...well I'll cross that road when I get there. Needless to say...I am confused.

But yes, sadly, it was a binge weekend. I can't blame tinder guy completely. I blame myself for being weak, addicted, insecure. I am so addicted to weed. I told my therapist I wouldn't smoke every day. I told her I wouldn't smoke on the nights before work. I'm a big fat liar. Ever since I bought the bag (ended up getting eighth off J for $40 not $60 haha) I've been on a blazing bender.

Deep breaths. All is not lost. I took a 90 minute sweaty walk yesterday morning, which was much needed. Didn't clear the old head, though. The only thing that will clear my head at this point is abstaining from drugs for days. Not sure if I'm up for that challenge.

I need to be STRONGER. Where has my discipline gone?? I went to the dollar store, of all places, for cat litter last night and of course I bought a bag of candy. SO SAD.

I woke up this morning feeling restless, uncomfortable in my skin, and in a bad mood. It is the start of a new week and I cannot feel like this a moment longer. A plan, Sar, you need a plan/purpose/refocus.

Without further ado:

I am going to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Tinder guy and I are still talking. He hasn't given me a direct reason not to trust him. My thoughts are coming only from my interpretation of his facebook. I believe he is a good person who is not trying to fuck with me.

I am going to RESTRICT today and eat HEALTHY for the rest of the week. I have food here so NO store visits.

I am going to continue getting to sleep at a decent hour because it really helps me on these early mornings.

________________

I actually got a lot done this weekend, despite the binges. I made some important calls, deposited checks in bank, paid some bills, did some organizing/cleaning.

You are not a perfect person Sarah. That is ok though. You are human, finite, and beautiful. Compared to the morbidly obese, you are thin. You have plans this week. You have a life. You will be ok.

xo