Evening Ruminations..

Sad today because I feel my few existing friendships are rapidly coming to an end. Why is this becoming a pattern? I try to be a good friend. I try to smile around friends, and talk like friends do, and be silly. I am serious, but I try to make people laugh sometimes. I used to a lot more, back when I was confident. I am too shy to put my voice out there, nowadays, usually. Even in class sometimes, I am so damn afraid of being judged. The really ironic thing is that I declare in my own head that I don't care what people think. I think I am a pathological liar, or something like it. I don't believe half the shit that comes out of my mouth or mind.

I'm pathetic. I am really feeling down. I took my first test of the semester this morning. I studied a little for it. Not much. As I was taking it, I thought it was going alright. But then I got to the short answer and essay part...I froze. I choked. My mind was blank and my coffee was gone and I had about twenty minutes of class time to finish. I started making shit up to fill the space.

I hope I did decently!! I hope, I hope!!! I won't find out for about a week, unfortunately. I am one of those people who like to know how I did on a test five minutes after completion.

Oh the perfect world I long to live in paints a picture of bliss in my head. Me, skinny, light as a feather and slightly shorter, surrounded by my pick of rich suitors, with bowls of grapes and glasses of champagne placed amongst the scattered, fragrant rose petals. There is peace on our planet and life has turned tranquil in it's contingent hours. More importantly, I am at peace with myself, my life, my family, my friends... there are no negative thoughts poisoning my blood.

Love. Life. Peace. Options. Future. Present. Today. Yesterday. Memory.

What do these even mean?? What is my purpose here? It surely can't be my present existence, for I am lazy and closed off and I blog about bulimia for god's sake.

Why is there guilt? Why am I so intuitive at times, and blind as a freakin' bat others? I need to figure some things out.
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Today I ate: 1 biscotti (100 cal) 1 banana (50 cal) 1 black coffee (5) some almonds (80 cal) a pineapple/blueberry smoothie (guessing on the high end - 410 cal) cut up fruit (50 cal) and big offender: macadamia nut cookie (450 cal).

1145 calories for the day. YIKES. I need to step UP!

Graphic...

[I want to type out every little thought stream-of-conscious style, proclaiming personal insights as if they matter to anyone but me, drifting off topic as easily as a wave slipping past some sand, Sar in high def, with a dash of green green grass and one gold kitten.]

My eyes burn and so does my stomach. I unexpectedly purged early this afternoon. I am disgusting when I do this. I hate this. Here is what happened: one black coffee chugged while finishing some philosophy homework, class, then a blurry walk around campus only to stop at snack place and buy a huge chocolate chunk cookie. Last night I had been craving sweets hardcore. I debated in my head for hours on whether or not to go to McDonald's to get a brownie melt. (Thankfully I didn't go) So sue me, I thought I deserved the damn warm, soft, melting cookie.
And so it goes.
I innocently walked to Starbucks and was proud of myself for bypassing other greasier options (dining hall food I'm looking at you!). I bought a $6 mozzarella/pesto/tomato sandwich. Wtf was I thinking, anyway?? All of those carbs?? I hate bread! I even eat bunless veggie burgers. Ok, yes, I ate that entire whole grain baguette a few weeks back, but shit. I was binging and needed bread so I just won't think about it.

There goes me getting of track. Wow, so much internal hate today (everyday). Needless to say, I ate the sandwich quickly (I felt so disciplined leaving it in my backpack the entire 15 minute walk home) once I opened it and took my first bite. It was decent, but the bread, wow, so muchhh. So I scanned my syllabus for this upper level critical reading class, noticed I was fucked on the assignment I didn't do that was due today. I was triggered by this upset.

I think I have figured it out. I hate when I don't plan stuff. If I had better planning and time managing skills, maybe I could get shit done, not be stressed, therefore not STRESS BINGE!

Sordid details: I chugged some flavored water, walked to the bathroom, closed the door so my innocent kitten wasn't corrupted for life, set my mind aside and focused on one thing. One little BIG thing. One scary, nasty, backwards thing.

I stuck my fingers down my throat and puked, people. For a good half hour I was patient and consistent with what I was doing. It felt good to focus, and it also felt good to get that sandwich out. Finally I tasted a sweetness, the cookie, (sorry, disgusting) and I knew it was over.

Help? Should I start seeing a counseler?

I can't really believe I did it in between classes, like it was normal, like I was painting my nails. Ha. Haven't done that in awhile; I don't like the taste of nail polish.

My apartment is starting to smell like cat. I need a vaccuum cleaner and some febreeze, pronto.