Complications

Good morning. I woke to my cat meowing at 8:30AM and never fell back asleep. At one this afternoon I am going to a baby shower. There is a tiny part of me that feels jealous and sad but mostly I'm excited to do something fun, predictable, kitschy, and chill. I bought two adorable onesies and a cute shirt for when she's a toddler and some fuzzy socks. They need to be wrapped and I have to grab a card.

I had a tough week. I had been bleeding *non stop* for almost four months before I finally found a new doctor and got in for another (my fourth) sonogram. Paying out of pocket because I lost my insurance a few months back. They determined I still had "tissue" in my uterus. Of course, right. I WOULD have a real complication that needs to be fixed. Thankfully, luckily, it wasn't too bad. The other night after work I placed four pills in my vagina. A few hours and some bad cramps later, I passed what I am guessing was part of the placenta.

It is incredible to me that I even just wrote that paragraph. Is this real life? Holy fuck.

Needless to say, the bleeding has FINALLY stopped. I am spotting a teensy bit but I have to believe the worst is over. This ordeal has been terrible, beyond anything I could have imagined. I never thought it would be this bad. But I survived.

There were two days that were particularly disgusting that I want to document here - this will be graphic. At work I bled through my last pad and could feel clots quickly coming out. It started dripping down my leg but I was wearing black pants so you couldn't see it. My clothes are soo loose on me, even my panties are riding low and there just wasn't tight enough fabric to contain the flow. I ended up leaving work early. The other time was at the end of the work day I could feel the same thing happening. I sped home, bled through my pants onto the seat of my car, felt the clots push out as I ran for the door. I got in my apartment, sat on the toilet, and it was a blood bath. Did laundry that night.

This is the result of an incomplete abortion. I am a statistic (again).

Take it from me, never have one if you can avoid it. Mine was done in a busy clinic and it's just not surprising the doctor didn't take extra time to NOT fuck me up. I am pissed but glad it's over. As over it will ever be.

D. and I are not speaking. We had a few great weeks but have been fighting daily since last sunday. I am attempting to move on. We both have insane tempers and just clash. That's all I want to say about that right now.

My weight is low. I am 127 last time I checked. I feel good about it but bad about my baggy clothes. I have zero interest in shopping for myself lately. SO MANY PEOPLE have commented on my weight, expressing concern, blah blah. Idc.

I'm out of steam. Have a good day everyone.
xo - S

ETA: Since posting about a certain controversial hot button topic I've lost a few followers. I don't mean to offend anyone. For my safety I will be removing my picture from the blog.

Look out the window, see how the sun is shining? Get offline and go outside!

How are you guys? I'm dandy, quit my serving job at the restaurant last weekend! How irresponsible of me!

According to my mom, the depression is to blame. I am not a lost cause, however, and have scheduled my first appointment with a mental health counselor next week. Here we go again... I am exhausted at the possibility of starting from scratch with my story but it has to be done. I do need help.

I think I know what else I need, just lack the motivation to make a change. So for now I have one part-time job (facing down a week of unpaid vacation - spring break) at the school. I will not be able to survive financially for long. It is time to update my resume and find one full-time job.*

*that I can handle.

I am weak, my friends. Weak and impulsive as fuck lately. The sex. The quitting. The drinking til I puke. Bad decisions coming from a dark place. I don't know if I'm doing this all for the story, to be dramatic...or if I literally cannot help myself.

I have this crazy (but perfectly logical) fear of stds/pregnancy (from my one night stand) and have not even called my gyno yet. Speaking of "him" (let's just call him Z), we've texted a tad but it's faded away. It seems that keeping in touch will not be an everyday thing. At this point I'm just trying to keep it real, not sure where he's at.

Life is varied and without reason! I'm confident and petrified but restless. I crave change but seemingly do better with routine. I want to move so bad. By the ocean. I've been saying it for years!!!! but it hasn't happened. Why do I prefer solitude, my own company over others? I say, "there's no one close to me" and believe it until the reality of it hurts somewhere deep and untouchable.

I need touch and physical proximity but when it's in front of me sometimes I shy away, not being able to handle what comes next - the feelings, the comfortability, the mundane? I know parts of myself and yet there's a never before discovered infinite reservoir within.

I still haven't touched the meds my doc gave me. I self-medicate, look it up.

My heart is racing. I drank two cups of strong coffee and smoked a little herb. I vacuumed and called my mother. I'm actually going home for the afternoon - laundry and dinner with the family. Pizza. Which is why I'm not eating lunch. Yes, I'm trying to restrict.

I need to be out in the sunshine. It's beckoning me!
xo
-S

The mind of a sociopath

What's that saying, it take 21 days to form a routine, or something similar. I've been singing the same self-destructive sermon for a decade. It doesn't feel like there's hope for me.

Saturday (today): Sleep in. Struggle to physically leave my bed. My body aches. My stomach sticks out, the product of a late night numbing binge. My face itches. My hair feels gross. My thoughts instantly turn dark. I put on my glasses and gaze around my room - it's a mess. Clothes everywhere. A dusty floor. Chaos leaking out of my closet. Ghetto posters left over from college taped to my cracking walls. 

Walk into the living room and it's the same story. Messy and unorganized. It stinks. I need to clean the cat's litter but oops, forgot to buy cat litter when I was at the store last night (buying frozen pizza). Walk into my tiny kitchen and put the coffee on. Wash dishes. Leave on the counter to dry. Check facebook and feel depressed all over again. Pour cup of coffee. Repeat. Now I'm here.

I have reached a new level of depression. This wave has brought me down below the ocean floor. This entire week was AWFUL. My mood was TERRIBLE. I binged EVERY DAY. I spent money on fast food nearly every day. I got a parking ticket. My hair looks like shit (I cut it). My attitude has just been straight up poor and I've done NOTHING to help myself.

On top of everything, I was "called off" work at the restaurant TWICE this week. I just paid rent. I am BROKE and PISSED about it.

Looking back to Monday...my good friend came over. We had a nice talk. Her life is going great. Full time job, new boyfriend she met online who adores her. She's pretty, with money. And...she told me that I lost weight. I denied it immediately. There's no way, right? But apparently my stupid subconscious was like SCORE now you can EAT!. And eat, I did.

And now I sit here, with the understanding that I spent at least $40 on binge food this week, with the stomach of a fat person, with the mind of a sociopath, and I just...hate myself. So inexplicably much.

I'm supposed to go home today. To do laundry and file my taxes. Haven't seen my parents in about a month. It's already 1PM and I haven't showered. Must. Get. Moving.

Oh, and last time I wrote about M. I was fine, dealing with it alright...until he pulled the disappearing act again. I emailed him, kept it cool and casual and he wrote me back right away. Basically saying that he was sexually attracted to me but didn't appreciate my attitude (remember I told you I was swearing at him via text before he came over?). He said, "it's not a good idea for me to be around people who lose their cool so much."

Ah, hell, he's right. I do lose it. I lose my mind. I am unable to stop myself. I am so lost.

How do I turn it around, you guys? How can I help myself?? 

Illusive

I get tired of being so cold. I was laying in my bed late last night, alone, thinking how isolated I've felt. It occurred to me that I've made it this way. I've kept people out, refused to let them in.

Remember all the guys I mentioned in my last post? Well I've somewhat successfully pushed them away, squashed their budding interest, painted a bleak picture of me...and for what? To preserve the self? To maintain icy composure? To allude myself into thinking that I've got control? BECAUSE I DON'T.

Here's what I have: a jaded and bitter personality, a frown, a headache, heartache, and a sense of loss that is encompassing. I am worried about me. I am concerned that it is too late for me. What's next? How do I fix this?

I've been so concerned with appearing aloof, cool, nonchalant, serious, smart, and better than everyone. I fear that I have lost my goofy giddiness. I used to be the girl who smiled all the time. People would say, "you sure smile a lot!". People would smile back.

The bottomline is that I hate myself. Still. After everything - quitting so many jobs for "better" ones, writing until my hands hurt, talking it out with friends, hours and hours in therapy, the beginning of a repaired relationship with my parents, the birth of my nephew and the love that I feel for him, moving out and away from my hometown, ending toxic friendships, getting a cat...I could go on but NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING helps. Seemingly.

Perhaps I am making strides, albeit slow ones. I'm talking SLOW. And this is a huge perhaps.

The one guy I *was* talking to (we hung out four times) told me that I "love to play games" and that I am "too illusive for him to keep up with". That hurt. Is he right? What the hell am I doing??

It's the end of the year and I'm feeling contemplative as usual. What's sad is that if you go back and reread my last posts from Dec. 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, and 2008 (I've been blogging a long time), you'll see no change. Or if there is change it's BRIEF AS FUCK. I've been ending the year on a sad note forever.

Will I be ok? Will I improve? Will I find love? I am 27 years old. This is my golden age! What scares me the most is what if I meet the man of my dreams (and it's possible that I already have) but push him away? I don't want to die alone. I want love. I'm just so scared. Of everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I keep dreaming about schools. I'm considering teaching as a life path. It would be a big decision but I need to keep trying. Never give up. On love or life.

2014 will be a better year.
Maybe it will be *my* year.
And your year.

Thx for reading all this.

Love ya,
XO
~S

My heart beats rapidly the second I open my eyes from sleep

I'm in a mood. I'm hungry. I hate love this feeling. Will I eat? Probably, a little something. Only because I just worked 8 hours, I'm getting over being sick, and my body needs some fuel. Just a bit.

I'm definitely losing weight again, my ribs are pretty defined. I enjoy looking at them. My skin is unfortunately freaking out. At first I thought it was heat rash, but now I'm thinking it's anxiety. My racing heart and inability to breathe normally and paranoid thoughts speeding through my brain are driving me crazy. It's enough to make me nauseous. I've swallowed down puke several times. I don't deserve that easy release. Plus it fucks with my teeth. And we all know how vain I am.

I don't know how long it's been since I posted, but I can assure you that much has happened. For starters, I went camping for that music festival last weekend. It was fun! And I hooked up with J. (my most recent ex-boyfriend). Lovely, right? No sex, thank the Lord, but pretty damn close. And then the next day we held hands and acted all cuddly for the fireworks.

So yeah, I'm confused. I was just FINALLY getting over him, and all the breakup drama, and now we are meeting Friday night for a drink and a talk about what happened?!

It's not that I want to get back together, as of right now I am pretty certain that I'm not ready for a relationship. I just would like to know how he feels about what happened. I would like to discuss why that shit went down, and try to make it clear that we can't just "hook up" whenevs. It does play with my heart and that sucks. We will hopefully set some boundaries and hey, I'm open to what the future brings should he desire to rekindle. Not that my hopes are up or I have any sort of expectations..

Somewhere in my mind or soul or heart or wherever subconscious thoughts lay, I feel like I love him. But that's ridiculous, right? It can't be love. I always think it's love. We're not even DATING for crying out loud. We are nothing, barely friends. And yet, last weekend there was still something there.

*Sighs*

I'm going to pack a bowl and call it a night. Thanks for listening.
Think thin =)

XO
~Sar

The proof is in the pudding

Just binged for the 5th straight day. I am disgusting and feeling very fat. There's always a reason, right?

But nothing huge has even happened! I've just been stressed, anxious, and lovesick. NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON!...LIKE THERE EVER REALLY IS.

I am struggling struggling struggling .

I am trying like heck to not hate myself.

I need to STOP THIS and GET OVER IT and STOP FUCKING EATING!

(warning! food ahead)

~

Tuesday, June 12:
chunks of watermelon, strawberries, bowl of 2 kinds of cereal with almond milk.
salad with small amount of mozzarella and italian dressing. banana. cereal bar.
macaroni and cheese with broccoli "stouffers" tv dinner. entire can of fat free refried beans mixed with shredded lettuce and spinach, mozzarella and cheddar cheese, salsa, hot sauce. served with tortilla chips.

~

Isn't that a TON and WAY TOO MUCH for today? Thank God the day is done and I am so full my stomach hurts. I WILL NOT puke, not going there.

I need discipline and will power and strength to overcome these past few days.
I will do anything to lose this stomach fat.
I've probably put on 5 pounds since Friday and I WILL lose it! And then some!

Like a prayer

I'm down a few more pounds. I didn't feel anything, happy or sad, when I saw the number. I just felt numb.

Today I will find out more about my Dad. Right now he is at the hospital with my Mom. I'm hoping for the best but so stressed. I am not hungry at all, my stomach feels sick. I'm coping by smoking, listening to music, and surfing the web for an hour before work, my go-to daily dose of distraction.

My brother and I just had an awkward encounter in the kitchen. We're both petrified. We can't even talk about it.

I'm a little annoyed J. hasn't called me yet today. Doesn't he know I need him? I mean, I'm not exactly calling or texting him, haven't since last night. But still. This is serious and I'd appreciate a nice phone call. From anyone. When was the last time one of my girl friends just called me to chat?

He's going to be ok he's going to be ok he's going to be ok he's going to be ok he's going to be ok.

I had a decent weekend considering the doom and gloom residing over my house. J. and I had dinner then met up with some friends for drinks. I'm such a light eater around him. I've figured out how to impress men (when it comes to dining styles): order whatever the hell you want (within reason-make sure you get some veggies) and then eat half of what's on the plate. It fills you up (briefly) and he thinks you don't diet, you just "get full fast".

And people who don't "clean their plate" don't get fat.

***

Stay strong for you, me, the world.

Think thin because thin people are sexier and easier on the eyes.

And it feels good to be thin...the envious stares, the roaming eyes, the concerned looks when you say "no thanks" to whatever food they offer. Actually I make it a point to eat in front of my friends.

***

J. just called me. I was freaking out for nothing, as per usual.

Gotta jet. I'll keep you updated if you keep my family in your prayers.

XO
-Sar-

Falling in obsession

Hey there, sorry about the gaps in posting. I've been experiencing inner turmoil, as per usual. But I don't want to talk about any of that. I'm sitting here, before work, drinking coffee and smoking. Like I've done hundreds of times. I do the same thing, day after day, hardly any changes.

I'm seeing a new therapist. Went for the first time yesterday morning. I need to deal with the fire and my emotions surrounding the whole experience and after effects. The sadness and fear slip out of my tightly controlled guard in inappropriate places. Like work. Or when I'm talking to J.

I can't think straight lately. If you're a long time reader, you know that I tend to be obsessive with the men in my life. Things with J. are going good, we stayed overnight in a nearby ski town this past weekend (what a workout!!) with another couple. We have fun together and I feel that I can talk to him about most things.

I just think about him all.the.time. It can't be healthy. Like right now for instance. It's one in the afternoon. I haven't heard from him yet. The last time we texted was around one in the morning. I'm freaking out, worried, feeling rejected. My heart aches, I am vulnerable.

I won't text him, or call him, or email him. I'll get ready for work and go to work and push him out of my mind. Because I'm scared that I'm falling in love with him. I'm scared that I need him. This relationship terrifies me but thrills me.

Any advice?

****

Got to shower. Think thin, Stay strong. Every day I look at my self in the mirror, naked and with a critical eye. I notice my imperfections. The good thing about fat is that you can make it go away. It's as simple as eating less.

XO
~S


[EDIT]

He called about 15 minutes later. I was high so it wasn't a great conversation. Relationships are fucking complex.

Settle down

I'm in a funk, trying to snap out. It's 2012 but I forgot it's a new year, forgot to change something about myself. I woke up in a bad mood, exhausted, cold, with a headache. My thoughts are negative.

I'm trying to turn my mind around. Figured I'd try blogging. I'm totally uninspired.

Lately I've been sliding into Self Pity Mode. It's a rotten place to be and yet it's my go to.

Also, I've been so fucking hungry this week, it's literally affecting my mood. Every day I've ate only veggies and hummus for lunch and I've come home from work positively starving, bitchy, and ready to eat anything. It's not good. The madness starts about two hours before work is done for the night. My coworkers are avoiding me and my bitchy self. At least I think so, the paranoia is encompassing. I think everyone is looking at me funny.

Where was I going with all this? Nowhere, really.

There's got to be some good. Ok, J. We like each other. Our time together is fun. He just doesn't text/call me enough! He has said before that he "doesn't want to bother me". I'm not sure what I said, but it doesn't bother me! I miss him! Or am I just getting attached? We text at least once a day and talk on the phone maybe twice a week. But I want more. Do I? Am I so confused that I don't even know if I want more or I'm just programmed to want more or maybe society is telling me to want more? Maybe I want less? No. That can't be it.

I've just always been a sucker for instant gratification.

I cannot not not not turn to J. as an answer to my sadness. I will not use him as a shrink. I know deep down that our pace is fine, albeit a little slow. But slow is better than fast, at least for me, at least right now.

I went to get the mail and my train of thought has slowed.

Think Thin Today. Tomorrow. Always.


Sar

2011 is old news

Doll-thin, non-reality, fucked priorities.

New year's eve eve. I'm listening to music, schmoking some schmoke, and haven't even made the coffee yet, even though it's 12:30 in the afternoon. Fuck.

Ok, the situation has been remedied! It's a-brewing. I really need to clean. My room is messy. It's driving me crazy. I just want a few hours to do it! So tonight or tomorrow, I'm buckling down. I'd like to start the new year with an organized space. And a organized mind.

I watched "Melancholia" two nights ago. What a movie! The music is gorgeous and appropriate, the visuals are haunting and Kirsten Dunst plays a very convincing depressed woman. She will probably win some sort of award. Her sister (actress Charlotte Gainsbourg) is Ana-thin. Her bones stick out in every scene. Oh, movie thinspo, how I enjoy thee.

Mmm coffee. I've been cheating and drinking it with creamer. Every guilty sip is an inch around my waist.

***

New year's eve last year was a shit show. Same with the year before, actually. Wow. Ok. So this year is going to be normal. I hope, I pray. I am going to a free concert in my area. I have no clue who's joining me or who's driving. I might go have dinner at a friend's first. Might. Any occasion involving food makes me nervous. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

J. has to work tomorrow and Sunday, unfortunately. He will be getting out at quarter to midnight tomorrow. We want to see each other and kiss at twelve so it will be a race against time, trying to get together for a lip lock...how romantic. Then we'll get wasted. How not romantic.

Today is going to be one of those days, I can feel it. Too much on my mind and I've been fighting off a sickness. I am nervous about tomorrow and hope everything goes well. The rest of the year depends on it!

Do you believe in karma?

***

On one last, final, note. There is a guy at work. *Sighs* I am really into J. and pleased with what's happening with us, but this guy!

I don't know if I invent this shit to keep myself entertained at never-ending work, or what. But I'm thinking there is some chemistry between us.

For some reason, I can hardly look at him. My eyes give me away and I blush so I avoid him. This was innocently going on for months, but he recently (2-3 weeks ago) switched to my department! So I see him every day, alll day.

I guess maybe I'm just super horny. I haven't had sex in awhile. And my sex-with-a-coworker fantasy is always present. I mean, I'm not technically tied down or with a ring on my finger. I can do what I want.

What do I want? Does anyone ever know?

***

Think thin today. Be strong. Be thin.

X
O

S
A
R

Addiction / Restriction

Somehow my life has slid out of control. I don't recognize myself. I have become the worst part of me.

I am so unbelievably addicted to smoking weed. Just weed, most say...it's all good. But it's not good at all actually. I smoke when I wake up, before work. I smoke when I get out of work. I am subdued and moody in between these two daily sessions. I'm scared.

And I'm smoking right now. My habit is not cute and I'm scared that I'm always going to choose to be alone with my weed and eating disorder. When did it get this bad?

It's been building up for years. I woke up today with anxiety. I remembered that at one time I wanted to be a model. 6-7 years ago.  I even went to casting calls. With my mom. I had the clearest image in my mind this morning of my mom and I sitting in a waiting room in some fancy corporate setting, watching the movie they played, not knowing what to expect. What I didn't realize is that I was at a crossroads.

Around the same time, I met my ex and fell in "love". We moved in together and brought each other down...the experience completely depleted any plans of mine to do something great while I was still young and hot.

I'm recalling this and thinking about the choice I made and feeling...not regret, just a deep sadness and sorrow for what could have been. I could have been better, done better...but I chose to pursue a chance at love.

It didn't work though!  Moving in with him was most likely the biggest mistake I've made to date. And I'll always know why I did it. The real reason...I needed to get out.

It's something I'm still dealing with, because I'm back here, living.

Living at home is making me crazy. "Home". "Family". It all makes me sick and angry. I'm using drugs to cope. It's a vicious fucking cycle. And I'm scared to death that I'm trapped.

***

Unfortunately, the pot has kicked in and things don't seem so bad.

Hold the phone while I grab a cup of coffee.

Yum. So hot.

***

I've been restricting all week as much as possible, but last night I did eat a fast food bean and cheese burrito. I added vegetables, obviously, but according to their website, one of those babies is 420 calories. Fitting.

Needless to say, I feel bloated. I'll pop some midol and skip breakfast. We're ordering Chinese food at work today. I haven't had it in months and have a craving for my mixed vegetables and white rice.  It's not too crazy calorie-wise. At lunch I will only have a few bites, then put it in the fridge to take home later. It's bad, I'm aware. But so good.

My period was about 2 days long this month, and very light. I know this to be a sign of not enough food intake and calorie stores. My body hates me. I hate my body.

***

Think thin.

XO
Sar

***

<3

Peace

<3

Memory motel.

"I'm so fucking depressed- I just can't seem to get out of this slump" -Eminem

This day that was supposed to be good and purposeful has fallen to shit. I am a pathetic waste of life and I hate myself. I was going to go home, and I told my mom, but I kept changing when. Well I woke up today and realized it was all out of the question. I couldn't make myself go out in the rain, couldn't make myself go answer the doctor's cheesy questions, couldn't make my life easier by depositing check in the bank..I am a fuck up, a failure, I hate hate hate hate hate myself. I should have just went. Why didn't I just fucking go? Oh because I wanted to take a nap. Because I got high. Because I am delusional, I thought I would shop today. Gawd// kill me now. PLease.
Sad memory time:
I remember the time him and I got in horrible, terrible, drunk, screaming fight. I remember him driving drunk, getting us lost; my voice was hoarse from crying and screeching but I was so scared he was going to break up with me/leave me that I finally shut up and helped him get us back to my parents house. That night turned even nastier. I remember banging my head against the car window, smashing my palms into the dash, into the side, into him...I wanted pain, NO, I wanted to be dead. My fists clenched, my legs moving in spasms, tears streaming down my fucked up face... I was crazy. He was crazy. I yelled, "kill me, just kill me, please, please just murder me, I want to be dead, I need to be killed, just do it, just do it, pleaseee..." Like I had something to prove, like I was tough, and not just the fucking psycho that I am.

End of memory..it fades to black..it hurts to go back. I am still alive and that is what hurts.

Make it all go away, make this stop. I don't want these heavy, blurry feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, repression. I am choking on my own lies now. I want this. I guess I just want to go fucking nuts and get locked up.

Sorry you guys, I just needed to vent. I really, truly need some fucking valium..or help..or something. I don't know what, but I need it soon before I jump.