My story.

Yesterday, I went rafting. It was SO FUN and a GREAT arm workout. My arms look better and I managed to get by on only a power bar the entire day.Oh, and beer. Until I got home, away from eyes. I called a pizza place and ordered a vegetable calzone.
*sighs*

I went to pick it up. I drove myself to a parking lot. I stuffed my face without breathing. But then I saw some people...so I stopped for ten minutes. I was almost done. I kept looking down, during my little break, thinking, "just stop now, it's for the best", but no, I couldn't do that. I drove to another parking lot and devoured more. I did not finish it, I just ate all of the veggies and most of the cheese and left a little crust behind.

I jogged over to a garbage can and disposed of my evidence, dirty napkins and all. I jogged back to my car, feeling the glass shards scratch my insides. I drove home, guilt pounding my skull. I sneaked quietly back in my house, feeling like a fat cow, but did not walk into the bathroom. Instead, I lay in my head, on my side, and digested. The End.

It's not really the end. I'm still here. I woke up and my bones caught my eye. Hi Bones. I love thee. My tiny wrists look so sexy, hovering above the keyboard. For now. I just don't get me. Ten dollars for that stupid calzone last night and I am sitting here, trying like hell not to regret it. I wanted food, I really did. I'd been starving since Friday. It did have some veggies in it, but the cheese, oh the cheese, the gooey, melty, stringy,bad, bad, BAD, HORRIBLE, cheese. It's clogging my arteries; it's making me fatter as we speak.

No food today. Friday and Saturday were decent days for restricting. Really decent. Today will not fuck up my weekend. I've just been soo bummed this whole weekend. I was supposed to take this trip with a friend but she got sick. Story of my fucking life. Thing is, she's always sick. I should have known to NOT get my hopes up.

Oh, and Friday night...I made out with my best friend's brother. Lovely.
As for dude I had a date with earlier in the week? Total dud...erased his number. The concert was great though and my dress was super cute. Oh, I'm sick of boys. I really just want T. Is that true? Is he really it? Or do I crave the unattainable?

Well peepz, my neck hurts. Sorry I've been sucking on posting lately, I'm just uninspired. My mom and I got in a HUGE fight this weekend and we're still avoiding each other. It's super lame. I've been neglecting my poor cat. I'm a terrible person, really. Pray for me.

Think thin!

Sovay. AB.

So much going on. I have ZERO energy to function. I can't seem to find the time for the simple things. Here are numbered updates, the only way my tired brain can work right now.

1. Brought my kitty to the vet, he has conjunctivitis. Basically pinkeye for cats. Can be caused by them scratching their eye (best case scenario) or the herpes virus (worst case..no cure).

I have to squeeze this gunk in his eye from a tube twice a day. HE HATES IT. I struggle and cry with him. Sometimes he rules me- him, and every other male in my life.

I can't even imagine having a child if having a pet is anything like having a child. Lol. Ok. Most likely not. But damn, it is hard to guess what they want and why they do what they do and how much to feed them and how loud to yell, etc.

2. I've figured out that I suffer from "abandonment" issues. I was emotionally abandoned by my father. It has been affecting me for awhile, but now at the age of 23 I have a name for it.

3. I can't sleep anymore. The past 7 or so nights have been me waking up every 3 hours, like clockwork. I pick up my cell phone, see that there are no texts, and get up to use the bathroom. I have been chugging a ton of water. It makes me pee during the night. I hate it. But I crave the hydration. I just want to lay down and be comfortable and sleep for 8 straight hours. Preferably cuddled up to T.

4. Oh T. Oh T. Oh T. Oh T.

I miss him. I keep crying. I'm way down in the depths of depression, I feel it. I have to ride it out. I can't go under. I have to keep going, I need to stay alive. I need to breathe. I need to be ok.

But it hurts. I keep fighting with myself: "mourn" him, give him some space, don't see anyone, try and get him back. Or. Push him out of my head, give him some space, don't see anyone, DON'T try and get him back, let fate intervene.

I guess I will do a combination of both.

so!

5. Where does this leave Tom? fuckshitdamn- I don't even know. He is now morphing into this person I can text and get an instantaneous response. He is now almost a trusted confidante. I went there two nights ago. He asked me to chill awhile. We smoked a lot of weed and talked. That's it. When it was time to leave, I was bundling up (scarf, hat, gloves, boots .. lol stupid snow) and he stood up.

How gentleman-like.

But I was so afraid he would try to kiss me I ran out of there. "Take care!" and I book it.

Him and I have already been texting today. He asked me to come over friday, he'll get some wine, we can drink and smoke and "tell stories". omgomgomgomgomgomg I can't do this again, though. Doesn't he see that? I mean, yeah, that sounds like fun! My kind of fun!!

A date though??? No, it's not a date.

Well, here's the thing: after he texted me that, I texted him back this:

"Are we hanging just as friends? Can you promise to not make a move/kiss me?"

and he said, "Well I can promise I won't try to have sex with you or anything..now my lips have a mind of their own, so I can't speak for them at the end of the night."

what. the. fuck. tom.

That was almost a half hour ago. I have not responded. I don't need this. I don't want this pressure. I don't even know if him and T. are cool with each other. I am afraid to ask either of them.

I am a mess. (Obv)

I think I need help. I might make an appointment at my school's counseling center. I need to talk to someone, get this all out in the air.

I hate myself.

Here's yet another reason why:

I binged last night : /

I ordered a veggie calzone from the local pizzeria.

Ugh. and ate the whole thing. I am such a fat cow. I was so alone, and craving cheesy-bread like I do when I'm sad and about to start my period. (Which better fucking come, if it doesn't...well I won't go there. Let's just say T. and I never used a condom)..

So all together yesterday I consumed like 2800 calories. Holy fuck I'm in hell. It was mostly from granola. I love that stuff, why is it so caloric?? All I know is from midnight to midnight I ate 2800 fucking calories. This is why I can't be alone. I need someone in my life. I have no one. When I like a guy it makes me feel better about myself, like I have a reason to take care of myself because somebody is seeing me and my body.

I am pathetic. I am all over the place. This is all just stuff going on in my life. It's lame. I'm lame. I am fasting today. 3 in the afternoon and nothing yet. Just water. I need to flush out those fucking calories. Oh, and I took 1 laxative and 1 midol. Just to reduce bloat.

I hate pills yet I love them. I hate food yet I live to binge, these days anyways. I hate men yet I crave their company and touch. I hate myself yet I won't do anything to change me.

I have no idea what to say to Tom. So nothing, I guess. All I want to do is call T. I won't though. So plan B? Going to walmart for cat litter. and I think I'll get some wine. Oh wait, shit, no money.

I am scared of myself.

What an awful feeling.

Alice.

Spinning upside down through dark madness I carelessly let go and free fall to my fate.

My words are not processing into coherent sentences. So I will start this again, my world is small and I am solipsistic by nature. Ugh. I try and say, "Sar, you're the best" as if I could convince this Sar to be fucking normal and not so down in the dumps all the time.
Thank you Amy Winehouse- loving this first album. Her voice is soul and I love singing along. I have not ate since 11 pm last night and right now it is almost 8 pm. Ha I slept ALL day to not eat. I have not broken this unexpected fast yet. I am about to, but maybe if I forget about it I will be in the clear..
The bad news? Last night was a disgusting mess of a binge, and I had been doing well this week. What is it about the weekends that makes me freak out on food?? Well, I guess I already know...it is the opportunity to hole up in my apartment and hibernate and avoid phone calls and food if need be. The night before this is when I go a little crazy with junk food.
Ok, ready? This is unbelievable but I'm going to share:
I ate 5 pepperedge farm milk chocolate macadamia soft baked cookies. 5 fucking cookies are you kidding me?? Nope! It's a sad, sad truth. They are (I just got up to check and felt SO light headed) 160 calories each. [160 x 5 = 800] oh. em. gee.

It doesn't end there, oh no. Since I only ate sweets (those cookies & some apple cider) yesterday I was craving "real" food/ sustenance.. I wanted bread. I'm not going to lie I crave carbs like the freakin' dickens... (ha old school metaphor). Needless to say I ordered a veggie calzone. [Please slap my wrists via the internet..I'm going to do it quickly..there. Punishment for a fat idiot] It was good but I LUCKILY didn't finish it. At least there was a considerable amount of veggies but way to fucking much cheese. Never again is all I have to say about that.

The really, truly sad thing here is that when I looked in the mirror this evening I felt skinny. [It helps that I successfully released toxins through a healthy bm. No more laxies for me...def don't help.] I don't want to be fat. I am so fucking fat right now; it is disgusting how my clothes fit. I don't even know what I weigh because I am convinced my scale is broken.

Enough about me. How are you? How are you guys and gals dealing with everything? Instead of hiding from the world I would like to face it. <3

Peace & think thin.

Imagine a soft green sweater and my warm contentment.

Reading the title of the blog reminds me of sitting next to a blazing fireplace, ash and sparks crisscross and crackle. A blanket, hot from the fire, is almost as crucial as a good novel and/or a cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream and cinnamon. I am procrastinating. Time to do two simple errands and you'd think I had to cross a blustery tundra. Chewing on Australian Style licorice makes my just brushed teeth happy, and my disposition sweeter. Joy Harjo tonight in McEwen, that should be amazing. To be accomplished is to know true bliss, I bet, I would not know. I can accomplish menial tasks such as a shower. Whoop de do. Zippity Doo Dah. Zippity Day! Hakuna Matata. Hannah Montana. What the fuck is being typed right now, my slender hands have minds of their own!!! Time to see.


Peace on Earth.