Thoughts

Weighed in twice now at 120. Guess that's my new weight. I am thin. I am not particularly happy or any which way about it. I am turned off by how baggy all of my clothes are. It makes me look bigger than I am to wear baggy clothes. I need to go shopping so bad for work clothes but I can't seem to make myself. It is a mix between sheer exhaustion and nervous about spending money. Silly reasons huh. I'm a girl, I should love to shop.

D. and I are still off. Shit got better, briefly...then very bad. The cops were involved. It sucked but no charges or anything, just warnings. I have been on tinder, a dating app for your phone. I chat with a couple dudes, one more than most. Nothing serious and half of my heart (honestly) still belongs to D.

I am playing with fire is how it feels. D. and I had unprotected sex several times in the last few weeks and now I am waiting again for my period to come. It is supposedly coming next week-ish. There is no way in fuck I am pregnant again. If it happens...well. No. I refuse to think about it right now. No need to stress myself out. Fingers fucking crossed though. It's funny how, after everything, the months of bleeding, etc..how I could be hoping for the blood. Life is weird. Hope so bad I'm just being paranoid.

Still smoking bundles of weed and cigs. Insurance again soon and I'm ready to get back in therapy. I need it.

Work is going well. I've had some fun times with friends. Bridal showers and weddings to go to this summer. My hair is growing out a bit. I've lost thirty freaking pounds. Needless to say, this may be the best I've looked in quite awhile. I was looking at some older pics of myself. From like two to five years ago. I was definitely heavier and very clearly needed to lose weight. I think that is partly why it shed off so fast too. I have always been thin, tall and thin. Skinny as a kid. Stick girl they called me in middle school. This may just be my natural body type.

Let's be real here too, I have had a pro ana and mia mindset for EVER. At some point that shit sticks. It changed the way I look at food, how I think about it, my portions, my restaurant ordering, eating with a significant other or friends, what I buy, what I "don't eat", what I "crave"...it goes on and on. It's everything and for me I have just accepted that I will never "binge" (like I was doing) again. I will CERTAINLY never throw up again. That was too awful.

I'm at my happy weight. 120. Not bad.

xx

What it all means

Sunday night. It is getting late and I feel the hunger cues kick in. A pang in my stomach, almost a nausea. A headache. That weak feeling. I stand in the kitchen and stare at my microwave. I look over to my cupboard, the one that hold pantry items. I seriously consider making something to eat. But I don't. I don't eat anything. I have water.

I just took a walk (2.5 miles) with my neighbor/best friend/love interest C. I've mentioned him in this blog before, we met almost 4 years ago. We hang out a lot and started hooking up and then had a bunch of emotional conversations about what it all means. We walk a lot. Walking burns calories.

I'm still only drinking water because eating sucks and I don't need to do it tonight. I'm going to bed. I can't think straight.

S.

A bag full of thoughts

We made it to the weekend! Tonight I am going to an office xmas party, not just any...it's my last place of employment haha! I'm sure I mentioned that my friend still works there, well I am going along as her date! I am wearing a super cute and fitted black dress, black heels, and gold jewelry  My nails are a deep festive blue with sparkles.

I am currently drinking some delicious coffee called "Jamaican Me Crazy". I watched "The Five Year Engagement" last night and thought it was pretty good. Emily Blunt is so perfectly thin. And her last name rocks.

I'm also smoking and pushing back the guilt because I should really quit if I want to get a real job. Damn drug testing! Stopping college grads from getting big girl jobs since the 80's.

I feel funny about this (edited to say: which I shouldn't, it's my damn blog) but it must be expressed...I feel like my friends are slipping away from me. It's sucky but most likely true. Intuition is usually correct. Yes, I will see my three "closest" girlfriends tonight, and I am looking forward to it, but with a heavy head...

It seems like they haven't been including me as much in previous weekends and also like my texts go unanswered a lot lately. I feel scarily uncertain in my bonds with them in this vague way that maybe only another pot-smoking food-obsessed twenty-something weirdo could understand.

It just occurred to me that it could be me, pushing them away and choosing to surround myself with many men, coinciding with my retail work schedule which includes nights and weekends. So maybe I am overreacting, putting something where there is nothing.

I do that a lot.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

The job interview went really well the other day. I'm hoping for some good news next week. I just want to achieve my goals I WILL achieve my goals!
"I am lucky in career" ~ "I am lucky in love" ~ "I am lucky in life". . .remember this always.

Catch ya'll later.
-Sar

I painted my nails red and when I gesture I feel fancy

I miss you guys. I've been sadly too busy to post or even just to read your blogs and relax. Time is a-flying. I've got class in 45 minutes, it's so early it's still dark out, I'm smoking and listening to sad songs, because, you guessed it - J. was here last night. Then he went home and we exchanged texts. I want more, he doesn't. He doesn't act like it, he acts adorable, in a conniving sort of way. Whatever, I have such a busy day, I need to not worry about it.

Today. 3 classes. Annotated Bibliography. Group meeting for presentation. More research. No sleep. No contacting asshole I mean J.

It's just that I really don't think he's an asshole. He's managed to squeeze his way into my heart and I hate him for it, but we really get along in such a cute way. We just joke and laugh and stare at each other and contact each other and to be perfectly honest it feels like we're seeing each other/dating. But I guess we're not? He hasn't left town yet, I don't know when that is supposed to happen. He says, "next week". He basically defines shady but what's a girl with a heart as big as mine to do?

The answer is nothing.
The answer is she starves.

Yesterday I fasted. It was great actually, but I definitely felt myself get bitchier as the day and night progressed. I ate some food last night though, late, after J. left. Damn I just consulted my post it on my computer which lists my intake, and I ate about 1000 calories last night. After an entire day of fasting, so that's not terrible.

Had weird dreams all night, actually every night. Sipping on my tea right now, I will probably try to not eat all day again, although it's always harder when I have this early class. My stomach starts grumbling! Ugh, hate it. Lol I'm becoming so obvious about my hatred for food I think. I made a remark to my friend yesterday about how beautifully thin our teacher is. I don't "get lunch" on campus. I don't need to stuff my face for freedom.

I just need my pipe. And some music. And a little bit of time.
Life is better with those three things.

My heart ache from me and J.'s latest drama is fading with the darkness. I can see the trees outside now, that tells me I better get some clothes on and get to class.
I can do this.
So can you.

Be strong today.

Think thin.

xo~Sar

Must. Punish.

Well hello bloggers, here's some advice: when someone seems too good to be true...they probably are an illusion, a figment of your imagination, a person with powerful will, strong enough to shield your love without thinking twice. J. and I are no more. Not that there ever was a "J. and I" but we really had such a great time and the kissing was fabulous and our talks were so personal and imaginative, and, and, no more.


Here's why. Wednesday (when we chilled) went well. Seriously. I wouldn't have felt like that if things weren't so right. I did not hear from him after I left Wednesday night, though. Sometime late Thursday I texted him. He responded, saying he was golfing, and that was it.

Later that night I texted him again, asking if we were cool (because at that point I thought he was mad at me for driving a lil drunk) and he didn't respond. So I broke the "rules" and texted him again. He responded saying something incoherent, so I replied with "Screw you". That got his attention. [Long story short] He said, "It's been a long day and I'm in bed; Stop trying to bring me down for not texting you for one day, you're just going to push me away."

Oh? I'm going to push him away by texting him 3 times after a wonderful time together? Nah. I said nothing until yesterday. Something concise, "If you're going to deny that there is something between us then it's your loss." To which he replied, "I think you're complicating things but whatever you say"... and then he goes, "I'm leaving for NYC (true) and you should focus on school (also true) so let's just be friends."

Ouch. Hit me with all these true statements and then say we should be friends? But...I don't wanna. I want to make love. I want you to be my boyfriend. I want to be your girlfriend. Goddamn where are these voices coming from? Boyfriend? I can't even take care of myself/love myself/appreciate myself where the hell am I going to find the time or energy to put into reassuring a boy? And, *sigh*, that's what he is. A boy. A little, scared boy. And I'm a fat, scared girl.

And so getting back to the text drama, I said "I know, friends :)"

Today, I'm sad. Yesterday, I was in denial. Yesterday, I binged. At 8 in the evening I ordered an 8 inch thin crust veggie pizza with blue cheese on the side for dipping. I ate the entire thing, and then 2 blueberry waffles with real maple syrup. I am fucked in the head and feeling huge today. The best part? The very very best wonderful perfect part is that I see J. today at work.

This feels fucking familiar, it feels like T. No, that's a lie. I had the time to develop real, true feelings for T. as a person. With J... I am attracted to what I am initially seeing. It's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just a risk, because things happen, he might have met someone, blah blah, it was just too early.

And that blows. Because out of the 3 times we hung out alone I cannot remember a single dull moment. We had fun. We laughed. We stared into each other's eyes. We made jokes and sexual innuendos and really started to get to know each other.

I don't know what happened. Perhaps he saw a little bit of my psycho side and didn't like it. The offerings of food and me saying hell no! At the coffee shop when I told him I'd rather spend money on coffee than food. Me texting him 3 times in one day without a real response. IS THAT ANY REASON TO STOP THIS, J.?

I. Think. Not!

I can do nothing but speculate! I hate this! I have done nothing in two days besides eat and sleep and smoke. I have fallen into some sort of depression OVER THIS DUDE wtf??

Help, please. If you've even read this far! I am so boy crazy, I'm sorry, I can't help it. I need their attention and I usually want it! I liked J.! This just isn't fair what the fuck is going on??????

It's good that I can get this out here, I suppose. Better than flipping out a human.

_________________________________________________________________

Last night I had a dream that I was a ballerina, in a modeling studio, trying to do a dance move with my feet and not being able to. I interpret this as the acknowledgement of the fact that I am "disabled". My ankle still hurts and I've been limping all week. I also think dreaming of dancing and modeling ensures that I'm always thinking of appearances, which basically equates to eating less. I need to eat less so I can be capable. I need to eat less so I can do anything.

I am tired of binging. Yesterday was ridic. I am tired of me. I am tired of being tired. I smoke all day and don't get high. I am so out of it. I put everything into J. and now I'm left with nothing. I do have a lot to do for school in the coming weeks and months so he had a point there. Now I just need to concentrate. It's so hard to do that, though. I want pills. I want a blank mind. I want a perfect body. I crave thin.

With J. out of the way I can return to what really matters.

Right now I am sipping green tea and smoking (obviously). I will not eat one thing today, as punishment for yesterday. I am punishing myself for binging and also for fucking things up with J. I need your support more than ever. Help me correct my ways. Please, please.

Think thin*

xo~Sar

That little whipper snapper

So Friday wasn't so good. Me and my bestie had a great time catching up and partying, but my night turned sour after I saw T. play guitar in his band. He was majestic. (Did I really just say that?) He is emotionally UNavailable and currently living with his girlfriend. I found this out at the bar when I asked his buddy if they were serious.

I was really drunk at this point. I started crying. Not extremely or obvious, but I was shedding real tears over that asshat.

Ha.

I'm pretty sure I acted a fool. All night. We even took a taxi home because I was such a drunken mess. I scarfed down half of an eggplant parmesan sub in my "glory". I passed out cold with all my jewelry on. I woke, feeling indifferent to the situation, and very very out of it. Drinking mass quantities sucks, and kills so many brain cells.
(In case you're wondering the sub was NOT good, it was greasy and gross and very very bad for me) (and you ... stay away)

Saturday was a day of recovery. I chilled out and smoked and ate some microwaved frozen foods. 

The next day was Sunday - my parents came to visit.

I'd like to just end it there but that's pointless. Their visit was just depressing. But hey I should be happy, right? I got a free dinner out of it, yay, that's what they're probably thinking though. Fuck that. I was hoping for some decent conversation or something. What I got was two very depressed people stuffed into my small studio apartment. My Dad turned on the tv before I could take off my shoes and watched football. My Mom sauntered around, looking through things and opening my fridge (wtf?) while making small talk and complimenting my mediocre interior decorating skills.

I feel sick just remembering it.

My Dad was in another world. He was there at dinner, eating, but not really there in the sense that I'd like. We could have chatted. I tried. I gave him a book for his belated birthday (which was a few days after mine, I just didn't see him) but he seemed less than thrilled about it. He gave it to my Mom to put in her purse.
He did not give me a birthday gift this year. Actually, as far back as I can remember my Dad has never specifically given me a gift from him. It was always this "joint endeavor" ... forever in my Mom's handwriting. Just like Christmas.

My relationship with my Dad reflects my relationships with most guys, most recently being T. I crave the attention of someone who does not need me. My Dad started this, by not giving me enough love and attention. I, in return, desperately did anything for his attention. It didn't work for my best interests; his response to my attempts was to get mad and ignore. Both then and now. So Little Miss Daddy Issues aka ME will do just about anything to get a guy, but it's always the guy who's so hard to reach.

Getting back to our evening...

My Aunt and her husband come out of nowhere. They were out on a drive along this route that goes for miles, from town to town and remembered that my parents were visiting me. We were in the middle of dinner and my Mom's phone rang. She answered, of course. Why wouldn't she answer her cell phone in the middle of dinner? They came to visit me in my freaking college town and neither of them wanted to be there and it sucks and it hurts but getting back to my POINT.

My Aunt, Mom, and I ended up talking a walk through this Spiritualist town located nearby. It was decent. I was aware of myself through new eyes, if that makes sense. They were acting so  ... girlish and naive. And there I was, Ms. Adventurous. Ms. Fearless. Ms. Tour Guide.

What the hell? What's with the switching up of the roles? Not that I believe in "roles" but you know? They are the saddest creatures I've seen, sadder than me, even. 

They are both (Mom & Aunt) in unhappy marriages. They're sisters. They never ever lived for themselves. It was straight into a Man's home after leaving the nest. Their nest was a dysfunctional, drunken one. But I don't have the fingers to go there. Mine are already aching from all this heavy handed typing. Heavy-hearted heated heathen, my grandfather was.

I must be feeling poetic today.

Oh. Now I remember why I began this post in the first place. My cat ~that muthafucka~ JUMPED on top of the Tv and knocked the cable box to the floor. It broke.

I rent. Do I contact my landlord or the cable company? Obviously I'll offer to pay for it but holy shit this reallllly sucks and I am not going to do a damn thing about it until later in the week. Shit. Maybe I should email my landlord tonight. 

I'm screwed.

I'm sick of it all.

I need to go take another walk. That was relaxing yesterday. I walked a couple miles yesterday and it really felt good. I am getting high again. I can't blog now. I can't live.

Think thin

Skinny bitch.

Wow, my younger (but taller) brother just called me a "snotty little bitch" in front of my parents. We were sitting around the dinner table, having a decent family meal, for once.
Of course, it's all my fault. I should just shut up and let him talk because he's never home, or at least that's what my mom implied. But sorry, I'm not going to sit back and listen to him make racist statements. I put my two cents in and my mom gave me a nasty look. My dad ignored it all, sighing every once in awhile. They all fucking hate me and worship every ignorant piece of work that spews from his childish mouth.

I'm fucking pissed right now. But mostly sad. I feel sad that I ruined it. Isn't that fucked up? He is the youngest, and gets away with fucking murder. I'm the stupid, depressed middle child, ha, feels funny to think of myself as a child. You know what I mean though. Middle children get screwed in more ways than one. It's a fact...look it up.

Ok, so now that I want to die, I should really just change the subject. Ok. How do you guys get so many comments on your blogs? I wish I could. Even if I ask questions no one responds. Guess I'm just slipping through the cracks.

I was supposed to hang with A. tonight but I blew him off. I don't even know why. Actually I do. I am fucking scared to get to know him and too worried that I look fat to be comfortable around someone I am so attracted to. I hate myself. I should have done this day right, but no, I've fucked it alllll up. Like usual. Omg why am I thinking what happened at dinner is my fault? It really wasn't! I truly think my bro needs an attitude adjustment. I never learn though. He doesn't back down once he's on a roll, which he was. My biggest problem is that HE CALLED ME A BITCH! WTF!
My parent's didn't even defend me or say "Don't call your sister that!" or ANYTHING. WHAT THE  FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK OMG OMG OMG I WANT TO SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


But I won't. I'll get dressed, put in my contacts, grab my bowl, and leave this house for awhile. I don't know where I'll go but most likely Walmart to buy everything I need for my apartment because my mom clearly stated that she wouldn't be helping me buy anything. Oh god that's so fucked up. My shit burns down and she doesn't want to help me buy more? UGHHHH I am seriously freaking out and it really sucks because I was in a decent mood.

This sneaking suspicion that, he's right, I am a bitch, is sort of killing me right now. I'm not though!! I'm nice! I was defending black people for God's sake... he is just a little smart ass ignorant punk who thinks he knows a lot but really doesn't know SHIT.

Enough!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to stop fueling my own fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thinspo:

Think thin...

Murder.

I think this is going to be short. I don't exactly know where to start.

Last night was weird. Today has been tumultuous...
Again, my expectations with T. were far too high, and so they of course came crashing down hard. Now my insides hurt. I have been walking through a haze, slightly blinded, a little deaf. I have not showered since Wednesday night.
I feel like a disgusting fool.

T. is such a flirt. Last night was ridiculous. We walked to the bar together but did NOT stay together in there. He has this weird clique of friends, these two chicks and one dude. I don't know if I've mentioned them before but they really seem to embrace a group mentality. It's odd and annoying. So T. basically kept hugging and talking to them as I pounded my drinks down and talked to whoever, flirted with some randoms, and felt like leaving every other minute.

I got smashed, and it was this other girl's birthday, our friend I suppose, and T. kept talking to her, exclaiming her name, "M! It's your birthday!" oh why do the little things like that hurt like a paper cut?

So the three of us stood outside after the bar closed, smoking a cigarette. They were talking, I was leaning against the wall wishing I was invisible, wishing I could fall into the ground or evaporate.

She offered him a ride home.

He, of course! said sure!!!!
He was so happy! A ride! Yay!

Fuck you dude you could have slept at my place. If you had even asked, or looked at me, or just smiled, I would have invited you, she just got to it first, damn her on her stupid birthday, i hate the world right now, fuck fuck fuck.

We started walking, me to my place, them to her car, same general direction until: an intersection. Left or Straight, T? He stopped. I stopped. She walked. I glared at him. He, obliviously, said "what?" Oh you know, I can't stand you, you're such a flirt.
I don't even know what I was talking about, but one thing stands out, clear as crystal. I said, "I like you and you don't like me, it's as simple as that." I was so blunt. He had really nothing to say to that, just oh that's not true.

I don't even know what I expect. My point is, last night is a blur. I have been an emotional wreck all day.

So last night after we parted ways, I came home and cried. I got a text from him, "what did I do?". I tried to call him, because my text messaging didn't seem to be working. I called four times, and got no response. I started crying and assumed he was hooking up with her.
I took a knife and slashed my left arm. I thought that I could die and it would be ok. I felt anguish over T. I felt nothing for myself.

I called B. (ex boyfriend who recently became a "friend"). I apologized because it was late. He made me a laugh, a little. He is able to calm me down. If he tries. Which he does, now. Not always when we dated.

I passed out. Dragged myself out of my bed. Went to my first class. I was standing in the hallway before class, and told myself to leave. I felt too sick and like giving up and just going home. I didn't. I stayed. And I'm glad I did. My teacher is a good one.

I skipped my second class (again) (shit).

I went to the dining center. First thing I ate today was 1/2 veggie panini, which came with a handful of potato chips and a pickle. A water. I ate most, just left behind some chips. It gets worse. I went back and got a slice of pizza, a salad, and a banana. The pizza I just craved, so I ate it but it was gross. I threw out the crust. I took the salad and banana home and ate those later, for dinner.

Then I got bored and went to the store. Bought a dvd and some snack foods. Came home and ate cheese and crackers. Lots. Then a 100 calorie Twix bar.

So you can imagine that my calorie count for the day is incredibly high. Well now I'm going to tell you (which you may have already guessed) but today was a stress binge. There was a murder in my little town. I am so freaked out. I've met and talked to the killer. He was a customer at my work. I feel sick when I think of this fact. I met a killer. He had the ability to kill which means that he could have stabbed me at any time on the job and not thought a word of it. Oh you guys....this came as a weird, eye-opening shock.
Plus T. and I got into a weird little texting fight. He loves accusing me of crazy shit, like giving out my number "three" times in the past few weeks. Like he cares. Like he notices.

All in all, strange day. And a binge day, making it worse. In my defense, I am starting my period. Shit always hits the fan around this time.
My apartment is a mess.
My friend is coming to visit tomorrow, we should have fun! Haven't seen her in awhile. Who knows what the night will bring...

I thought this was going to be short. There is just so much going on in my head. I need to try and get it out.
B. said it right, he said that when I drink I go to a bad/dark place in my head. It's true. I need to get some help.

Think thin.

Scandalous!!

Twiggy: You're beautiful.


I am taking a few minutes now to blog because the events of 2010 are just plain juicy. It's barely started. I am already in a whirlwind. I am putting off some errands for a short time to jot this down, I can hardly believe it myself.

Sorry if this is confusing:

New Years Eve: went to work, made a decision to NOT drive to see my girlfriends in the next city, and texted T.'s friend, who's name also starts with T. So for my purposes I'll call him Tom. (Keep in mind that T. is in his hometown getting drunk with friends). So I texted Tom while at work, asking him to meet me for shots. I knew he had no plans because he told me the night prior. He agreed. I went home after work & changed into a skirt & leggings & boots..lookin'cute and swiggin' Captain Morgan. Then I met up with Tom. (T.'s friend.) (T = the guy I have been seeing)

We started with double mixed drinks and shots and dancing. It was the most random new years eve, but we met up with a mutual friend, J, and the 3 of us started "dancing" (more like swaying & bopping, but who's looking? we're alone on the dance floor; there is a ring of drunks around us). I kept meeting Tom's eyes, and I kinda had the intuition that he was into me. I suspected it before, sort of, but not really. I mean, I've only met him 3 times, the first time was because T. brought me there & introduced us.

The night grows blurry. The time is fun. Midnight came and the 3 of us new years singles met eyes. I squirmed under Tom's burning stare.

We danced more. Drank a LOT more. Then Tom and I started MAKING. OUT.
WhAt???!!!!???

Omg. Why.
Is he cute? Yes. But like no one I have ever been with. He is taller, older, wears glasses, HUNTS for godssake..I know him barely. But he is an amazing kisser.
And T.'s close friend. I feel bad. It gets better.
I told T. the next day. I said "Tom and I kissed" -just like that. His first question? "Did you make out?"
I
lied.
"no."

Yes we did. There were sparks, even. The problem is that I was just trashed. And we smoked pot afterward. I remember getting up from the table at which we were sitting & smoking at, and going to lie down on the floor in J.'s bathroom. I called T. at this time, got all teary, he was annihilated (quite drunk) and then his phone died.
The next time we talked is when I told him and that was the last time we talked. That was yesterday, a full 25 hours ago now. We exchanged a couple texts. But he is mad, I can tell. He really didn't show it on the phone. I guess I didn't let him, I kept blabbing on, trying to save my soul. It didn't work.

I feel like shit about it.
The truth is I don't know why it happened. But I liked it. And I have no clue what my feelings are for either guy at this moment. I don't know if they've even talked. I let Tom know last night that I had dropped the bomb to T....he was mad cool, even chill, about it. He said the reason it happened is because it felt right in the moment and that I'm a "really pretty girl who is nice with a good head on my shoulders and why not take a risk?"

Um? I don't want to ruin the mystery, but I clearly don't have a good head on my shoulders.
I like the taking a risk part though. I told him I liked his boldness. I do. I don't know about sexual attraction though. It's a big thing for me.
I mean, T. was amazing in bed. I was extremely attracted to his body..

LOok at me using the past tense.
It's because I know it's over.

But maybe something new is starting with Tom.
Maybe all of this is happening for a reason.

Just keeping NYE in mind..T. was NOT available to hang. He hasn't been at all. Wake up Sar. Smell the roses. You knew this. You just wanted to speed the hurting process along. Did it have to be his friend though??

I'm hopeless.

2010 is off to a great start.
I need to spend some time alone, thinking about all of this. 3 weeks until school starts again. That means yoga!! Woo! I'm only taking it once a week but hey, it's more exercise. And more of a chance to lose.

I like the idea of being with a bigger guy. T. was skinny. Tom is bigger. I don't know to what extent. But bigger makes me feel smaller.

I can't get ahead of myself. I am waiting on T. really. To see if I hear from him. He is in town tonight for work, maybe he will call after. Even if he does I won't see him at midnight. I don't think. I have slept all day, it's not like I'll be tired.
I want to see him and touch him and talk to him but there is a little part of me who just wants to ignore him and give him the space he so obviously needs, without a messy talk squeezed in the mix.

Help, anyone? Seriously if you have read this much, maybe you might have an opinion?

Oh & think thin!!!

Fast /\ Fast

My heart is breaking slowly. The jagged pieces had been working on forming a whole, fragile or not. I was hesitant anyway. My issue? T. Found out some bad news last night, concerning him moving back home to work. 2 + hours away. Ok, not terrible but I am not interested in a long distance relationship. He "doesn't know" what he's going to do. I have been asking him about new years, whether he would be here (in our college town where we both have apartments) or home (with his mom/stepdad @ a family party)...and again, he "doesn't know" what to do, where he'll be, if we will be together or not.

Am I bad person for wanting to know a few days ahead of time what plans for new years eve are??? I mean seriously, it is the biggest party night of the year, and it is amazing to be around someone you are seeing!! Kiss at midnight, anyone?

So now, due to his indecisiveness, it looks like I am going to the next city over to meet friends and drink at bars there. Without T. Unless he manages to make the RIGHT decision, which is to see ME, than I am giving up on him.

It's true. I deserve more than this. If a guy likes me and I sleep with him, share secrets, spend time, etc than I want my feelings either reciprocated or disregarded. I refuse to be strung along. He is either in it to win it or out. It fucking sucks. I mean, is this harsh? If we don't see each other on new years, and he moves back home to work for the rest of winter break, than I feel like I should give up on him. I want a guy to make strides for me. I want a guy to take a risk with me, and help me take one too.

God. This fucking blows. Just typing it out, I mean I can hear it in my head, but seeing these words and knowing that he is probably going to choose his hometown and family party over me just really fucking BLOWS.

I am depressed. I cried a couple times last night. Real tears. Agony, alone, automatic weed smoking. I hate me. I hate life.

As for food, well, I suck there too. I am trying to fast today. I have only had tea. There is nothing here I want and I am HOPING AGAINST HOPE that T. actually calls me to hang out today so I can be around him and not eat a thing.

The plan? Finish the rest of this bowl. Go down for a cig and take the garbage out. Shower. .... and then hopefully I am with T.
If we don't do anything or get together for the first time in a week than I am buying ice cream.

So yeah. Fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life.

On a positive note, my scale seems to be stuck at 132. I highly doubt it's right though. I weighed myself today for the first time since before christmas and 132 was what I got. I don't know what I was expecting, but not that, which is why I am convinced this scale is broke! Help! Where can I weigh myself to get an accurate answer??? Am I going crazy? It is not a digital scale though, just a regular one, so I am sure these things are bound to break.

I have nothing really I feel like delving into. Ta ta for now.

Think thin.