Within you

Good morning and my throat is killing me. That's what I get for [not gently] shoving my fingers down my throat in a moment of panic and rage last night. My voice is raspy and quite honestly I feel the beginnings of sickness. Perfect. So damn much going on this week and the last thing I fucking need is to be anything less than in the perfect health.

Even now, I'm screwing shit up. I woke up at 5:55 AM so I could shower and properly prepare [ie: memorize the notes for my quiz at 8] but all I could do was blast the heat to warm up and prepare some hot tea in hopes of soothing my ragged throat. It is now twenty five minutes past six and I'll be late unless I start getting ready now. So no shower. Change of plans for the day. Luckily it's raining, so that'll be my excuse for looking like swamp thing.

Today:

Finish this blog post, get ready, drink copious amounts of tea [no food].
Class at eight.
Cancel counseling appointment [sucks but what can you do?], come straight home after class, and nap for an hour or so.
Wake up, take a quick, energizing shower, and study for test at two.
Take test at two. See how I'm feeling. Skip last class if necessary.

Come home, get in bed, READ, SLEEP.

If everything goes as planned [which it probably won't - but it's nice to be hopeful in the innocent morning] then I will have fasted the day away.

No more screw ups like last night.

I just want to get back in bed, pull the covers up high, and sleep past this stressful day. Although that's not an even close to an option.

I just got up and looked in the mirror. *shudders*

Ugh, when will I not hate what I see?

[the answer is: GET THIN]

Take care.

xo~ Sar

Loathe, my pretty

All of a sudden I'm talking to three guys. Pimpin' ain't easy. My head gets all hot and I sense my face flush when I admit to myself how badass I feel. It's awkward. And all week I've been walking around with a bright red pimple on my (normally clear) face, so go figure that. I've saw all of them this week. Jeez. Now it's just about the weekend, and I'm freaking out. This guy J. I haven't blogged about yet. There are two J.'s and a C.

Lmao. Anyway.
J. is super sexy and tall. We unfortunately work together. What is with me? I need to NOT pick up guys at work. It's not my fault though, I'm just my self at work and they are drawn to it, sometimes, not always. I swear I'm not a conceited bitch.

But J... damn. He is the sexiest guy I've ever seen, no lie. He is built like a god and he's really nice! There's a catch, of course ... he's a year and two months younger than me. That's a problem. I don't like younger guys. I like older guys. I've dated younger guys before, but I vowed to stop.

And the other J. is also a tall hottie. We met extremely randomly but get along.
C. is a sweetie who writes me long emails. He is attractive but not mind blowingly so.

I am sick of it though. I really am. I don't want to be so distracted by boys every minute but if they're not there I'm not happy. I like it and I hate it. Same with this e.d. I like it and don't wish to give it up, at the same time I despise myself for being so idiotic around food, and for making up food rules, and for purging expensive food; I despise having two sides to this story. I despise being a victim to circumstance and human nature. I wish I was invincible. I wish I was completely independent and glorious. I feel like I am out of control. I am smoking more and more and more and more and more oh and I'm smoking right now. I have missed a few classes but school has been going on for a month so I don't feel too bad I suppose.

I worry that I'm leading all of these boys on. I fear that I'll never let go of this e.d. because there is no love when I love punishing myself. No man should have to deal with that, deal with me..

So I won't allow it. I can't dedicate myself to this and that. I do not wish to become fatter, and that's what will happen when I stop caring. I care about getting thin. It's something that matters to me. That's significant, because lately nothing matters.


I've ate today. I'm at about 1300 calories, but it's night, and I'm going to bed. I hate myself sometimes. I feel like I started this post off happily and slowly fell down the slope. I let my brain chill for a minute, I let it take a step back and point accusingly in my direction and say, "See, you freak? It's too much, slow it up before you crash."

Do I listen? Hahahaha

Nope.

I am so out of it.

In one of my classes this semester there are maybe 7 girls in the class. Every girl is thin. There are three that are thinner than me for certain. Two of them are short and thin, so they are just tiny people which I cannot relate to. The other is tall, like me. She's thinner. It's on, bitch.

Think thin ...

x0~SaR

They hate each other.

Forbidden.

I am on a break in between classes. I spent 45 minutes talking with my professor in his office. Oh damn he is cute, but his cuteness is mostly just intelligence. He is amazingly smart. I wish it would rub off on me, yes that was slightly sexual on purpose. I would do him. Too bad he has a wife!! Not going there again. (Long ass story). Just smoked a quick bowl.(I have at least cut way back on cigs). Weed is a need though. I got a 72/C on that Metaphysics test. Fuck my life, that is horrible. I was hoping to at least get an 80/B.

Ah well. At least I only ate one apple so far. It was tasty and juicy. I also drank a black coffee...mmm. Now I am going to class, then work. Then have to chill and do some homework and maybe pick up. Not sure. That idea just crossed my mind.

I am so behind on school work, but I refuse to give up!
I have binged so much, all weekend I indulged. Whole wheat bread is my worst enemy; I love it and it is "good" for me so I justify EATING it!!! I ate almost a whole loaf this weekend. No butter, but peanut butter or Laughing Cow light cheese wedges spread on it. Fuck fuck fuck. The memory is making me full. And fat. And bread-bloated. Never. Again.

Never. Ever. Again. (with the horror of horrors...bread!!?!) Dang Carbs and their evil temptations.

I am sticking to fruit and coffee FOR SURE.
I have weighed myself every day. My weight fluxuates incredibly. I don't like it. I don't trust the scale. I don't trust people that won't look me in the eye.

Time to try and read for class. Then a lovely walk! Think thin!!!

*Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels*

*One moment on the Lips means a Lifetime on the Hips!!*

^Scare tactic, seriously.

<3 My adorable kitten says MEOW!