Another day, another death to find out about. The more people you know, the more loss you'll feel, the more sorrow. Another wake on Thursday and I need to be there, and my brother, and my friends...to celebrate the life of someone who commit suicide.
I say on here a lot of things. I say I hate life. I say I wish I was dead. I am reckless with drinking and drugs and driving. Sometimes I want to hurt myself or someone else.
But when it comes down to it...when shit really hits the fan, I know that I could never do it. I wouldn't want to. I fear death.
Rest in Peace Marty. What the fuck (as my eyes tear up again). WHY? A gunshot to the face at a party in front of people? I am mad and sad and horrified. I ache, especially for those closest to him.
~~~~~~
I binged on Sunday. I ate 2500 calories, haven't done that in ages. I've been averaging like 800 a day. But I woke yesterday in self destruct mode. I felt like crap, physically and mentally about it. Today was a fresh start though. I've ate healthily. No ice cream. No pizza. Yes, on Sunday I had both.
Don't get it twisted, I am determined to finish what I started here. I am going to continue to lose weight. I am going to continue working out, burning those calories at the gym and in the bedroom. ;-)
Tomorrow I am going to look at an apartment in the city (!). J. is coming with. Hope I like it. Because I want out.
Think thin loves.
Live life!
XO
Sar
well hello
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label death. Show all posts
Monday, February 4, 2013
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Family Dynamics
Today was Grandma's "service". RIP. Since I've made it a habit to study those around me with the scrutinizing gaze I use on myself, I started contemplating my "role" in the family. What do I bring forth? After the church service, we gathered at my Aunt's to eat. That was our purpose. Also to talk. Which you know I'm just thrilled about, the questions about school, is it over? about my job, where are you working? oh you're not employed? take the civil service exam!
Gag~
Where was I? Ok so long story short, I walk into the room and everyone takes notice. I am the "young" single attractive college grad. And as much as I detest being at the center of attention, I also adore it. The spotlight shows my good side and my thinness is obviously contributing. It's a bittersweet feeling. I can take all eyes on me on a good day. Today, I fasted until the meeting-up-to-eat situation, so showing off my body in the clingy navy blue shirt and black sexy trousers felt alright. My clothes were loose on me the entire time, so that's just awesome.
It feels great to cheerfully eat in front of everyone when you know you're the thinnest in the room. Envious sidelong glances aplenty. I was too busy chanting in my head, it's ok! it's ok! eating is ok right here and now! to notice. Talking to myself helped me plow through: some fruit; some celery with the smallest amount of ranch dip; 1 roll with a slice of provolone, a slice of lettuce, a slice of tomato, and 2 pickle circles; 2 small cookies; 1 "cheesecake mini cookie" type deal. Also, some black coffee and a water bottle.
No soda for me. No fatty lunchmeat or macaroni salad. No cake, for God's sake. Boo please. Who eats that shit? It's 2011. Get real.
So my mood seems to have taken a turn for the worse while I was describing what I ate today. No wonder, I pigged the fuck out.
Alright. Be easy, yo's! Think thin =)
Gag~
Where was I? Ok so long story short, I walk into the room and everyone takes notice. I am the "young" single attractive college grad. And as much as I detest being at the center of attention, I also adore it. The spotlight shows my good side and my thinness is obviously contributing. It's a bittersweet feeling. I can take all eyes on me on a good day. Today, I fasted until the meeting-up-to-eat situation, so showing off my body in the clingy navy blue shirt and black sexy trousers felt alright. My clothes were loose on me the entire time, so that's just awesome.
It feels great to cheerfully eat in front of everyone when you know you're the thinnest in the room. Envious sidelong glances aplenty. I was too busy chanting in my head, it's ok! it's ok! eating is ok right here and now! to notice. Talking to myself helped me plow through: some fruit; some celery with the smallest amount of ranch dip; 1 roll with a slice of provolone, a slice of lettuce, a slice of tomato, and 2 pickle circles; 2 small cookies; 1 "cheesecake mini cookie" type deal. Also, some black coffee and a water bottle.
No soda for me. No fatty lunchmeat or macaroni salad. No cake, for God's sake. Boo please. Who eats that shit? It's 2011. Get real.
So my mood seems to have taken a turn for the worse while I was describing what I ate today. No wonder, I pigged the fuck out.
Alright. Be easy, yo's! Think thin =)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
A reminder
5:57 p.m.
My mom just called. My grandma is dead. I didn't expect to feel such pain inside. I'm sort of still in shock but there is a jagged edge tearing apart my lungs. My face is scrunched up with a sob; I sigh. I am sad. It wasn't a sudden shock, luckily. We knew it was coming. It just sucks to have to wait for someone to die. The waiting is now over. It's over, she's gone.
I just took a minute to let some toxic tears out of my eyes.
Death is a slap in the face. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE. Everyone, everywhere. Today, tonight, tomorrow, the next day, and so on for eternity. Death is inevitable.
Remembering that assuages my senses. I took a cleansing breath. I'm home alone. My parents are "taking care of the arrangements", my brother is at work. I am here, the unemployed. I have my bowl in front of me, it's packed and I'm smoking. I have a box of tissues at my side and a garbage can on the floor near my desk. I am alone, no one will be here for awhile. Alone and reflective.
I just wanted to share.
My mom just called. My grandma is dead. I didn't expect to feel such pain inside. I'm sort of still in shock but there is a jagged edge tearing apart my lungs. My face is scrunched up with a sob; I sigh. I am sad. It wasn't a sudden shock, luckily. We knew it was coming. It just sucks to have to wait for someone to die. The waiting is now over. It's over, she's gone.
I just took a minute to let some toxic tears out of my eyes.
Death is a slap in the face. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE. Everyone, everywhere. Today, tonight, tomorrow, the next day, and so on for eternity. Death is inevitable.
Remembering that assuages my senses. I took a cleansing breath. I'm home alone. My parents are "taking care of the arrangements", my brother is at work. I am here, the unemployed. I have my bowl in front of me, it's packed and I'm smoking. I have a box of tissues at my side and a garbage can on the floor near my desk. I am alone, no one will be here for awhile. Alone and reflective.
I just wanted to share.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Is there anybody out there?
Hello.
I am sitting in the same place I sat last week when I first told you lovely readers the devastation that has become my life. It has been one week, barely. I have new "things" and a new perspective. I am alive. My cat is fine. I saved his life, and my own. Here is a scary thought: I was depressed. What if I would have used the fire as my opportunity to die "accidentally"? What if I would have laid in my bed and let the flames engulf me, slowly suffocating me, so painfully, so tragically?
Ah, the what-ifs will kill me if this overwhelming, pressing urge to live on doesn't. I will make the most of my life. Ana readers, listen up. Tragedy kills your appetite. I have not binged. Food is not a reward anymore. Food is nothing but something that will prolong my life. I don't need much.
Just wanted to update, I guess. I can't read. I can't write. I am not very inspired. I am getting sick. I have a place to stay until the end of the semester, and then I am moving home (can't wait). I am ok. I am not ok. A stupid girl who lived two floors down from me started the fire because she was drunk and careless. Let that be a lesson to you. Fire kills.
I was on the news. My cat is thriving, he has much more space here, plus a friend (my roommate has a kitty). I have got some new clothes, but clothes don't mean much anymore. What does? I am still trying to figure it out. My path to salvation is not clear. I wonder if it ever will be?
I missed classes today, but emailed my professors. I am listening to music and I do really love music. I miss my i-pod and Lose it app. I miss lots of things, mostly my sense of security. I am terrified of candles now: do not ever light one around me. I mean it, I'll punch you.
T. saved me last week. The fire was last Monday. He came to my rescue; he brought us (cat and I) to his apartment, gave me clothes (because I was wearing shorts and a tee, having just woke from nap), he slipped me a twenty dollar bill and a pack of cigs; he is a kind soul.
We also spent Saturday night together. I need him, or anyone, maybe. I have myself now. I was saved for a reason.
I love you all, I wish I could want to type more now. But I don't. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted and my mind is a blank slate. Please count your blessings. Please remember that nothing is permanent.
Oh, and think thin.
I am sitting in the same place I sat last week when I first told you lovely readers the devastation that has become my life. It has been one week, barely. I have new "things" and a new perspective. I am alive. My cat is fine. I saved his life, and my own. Here is a scary thought: I was depressed. What if I would have used the fire as my opportunity to die "accidentally"? What if I would have laid in my bed and let the flames engulf me, slowly suffocating me, so painfully, so tragically?
Ah, the what-ifs will kill me if this overwhelming, pressing urge to live on doesn't. I will make the most of my life. Ana readers, listen up. Tragedy kills your appetite. I have not binged. Food is not a reward anymore. Food is nothing but something that will prolong my life. I don't need much.
Just wanted to update, I guess. I can't read. I can't write. I am not very inspired. I am getting sick. I have a place to stay until the end of the semester, and then I am moving home (can't wait). I am ok. I am not ok. A stupid girl who lived two floors down from me started the fire because she was drunk and careless. Let that be a lesson to you. Fire kills.
I was on the news. My cat is thriving, he has much more space here, plus a friend (my roommate has a kitty). I have got some new clothes, but clothes don't mean much anymore. What does? I am still trying to figure it out. My path to salvation is not clear. I wonder if it ever will be?
I missed classes today, but emailed my professors. I am listening to music and I do really love music. I miss my i-pod and Lose it app. I miss lots of things, mostly my sense of security. I am terrified of candles now: do not ever light one around me. I mean it, I'll punch you.
T. saved me last week. The fire was last Monday. He came to my rescue; he brought us (cat and I) to his apartment, gave me clothes (because I was wearing shorts and a tee, having just woke from nap), he slipped me a twenty dollar bill and a pack of cigs; he is a kind soul.
We also spent Saturday night together. I need him, or anyone, maybe. I have myself now. I was saved for a reason.
I love you all, I wish I could want to type more now. But I don't. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted and my mind is a blank slate. Please count your blessings. Please remember that nothing is permanent.
Oh, and think thin.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Murder.
I think this is going to be short. I don't exactly know where to start.
Last night was weird. Today has been tumultuous...
Again, my expectations with T. were far too high, and so they of course came crashing down hard. Now my insides hurt. I have been walking through a haze, slightly blinded, a little deaf. I have not showered since Wednesday night.
I feel like a disgusting fool.
T. is such a flirt. Last night was ridiculous. We walked to the bar together but did NOT stay together in there. He has this weird clique of friends, these two chicks and one dude. I don't know if I've mentioned them before but they really seem to embrace a group mentality. It's odd and annoying. So T. basically kept hugging and talking to them as I pounded my drinks down and talked to whoever, flirted with some randoms, and felt like leaving every other minute.
I got smashed, and it was this other girl's birthday, our friend I suppose, and T. kept talking to her, exclaiming her name, "M! It's your birthday!" oh why do the little things like that hurt like a paper cut?
So the three of us stood outside after the bar closed, smoking a cigarette. They were talking, I was leaning against the wall wishing I was invisible, wishing I could fall into the ground or evaporate.
She offered him a ride home.
He, of course! said sure!!!!
He was so happy! A ride! Yay!
Fuck you dude you could have slept at my place. If you had even asked, or looked at me, or just smiled, I would have invited you, she just got to it first, damn her on her stupid birthday, i hate the world right now, fuck fuck fuck.
We started walking, me to my place, them to her car, same general direction until: an intersection. Left or Straight, T? He stopped. I stopped. She walked. I glared at him. He, obliviously, said "what?" Oh you know, I can't stand you, you're such a flirt.
I don't even know what I was talking about, but one thing stands out, clear as crystal. I said, "I like you and you don't like me, it's as simple as that." I was so blunt. He had really nothing to say to that, just oh that's not true.
I don't even know what I expect. My point is, last night is a blur. I have been an emotional wreck all day.
So last night after we parted ways, I came home and cried. I got a text from him, "what did I do?". I tried to call him, because my text messaging didn't seem to be working. I called four times, and got no response. I started crying and assumed he was hooking up with her.
I took a knife and slashed my left arm. I thought that I could die and it would be ok. I felt anguish over T. I felt nothing for myself.
I called B. (ex boyfriend who recently became a "friend"). I apologized because it was late. He made me a laugh, a little. He is able to calm me down. If he tries. Which he does, now. Not always when we dated.
I passed out. Dragged myself out of my bed. Went to my first class. I was standing in the hallway before class, and told myself to leave. I felt too sick and like giving up and just going home. I didn't. I stayed. And I'm glad I did. My teacher is a good one.
I skipped my second class (again) (shit).
I went to the dining center. First thing I ate today was 1/2 veggie panini, which came with a handful of potato chips and a pickle. A water. I ate most, just left behind some chips. It gets worse. I went back and got a slice of pizza, a salad, and a banana. The pizza I just craved, so I ate it but it was gross. I threw out the crust. I took the salad and banana home and ate those later, for dinner.
Then I got bored and went to the store. Bought a dvd and some snack foods. Came home and ate cheese and crackers. Lots. Then a 100 calorie Twix bar.
So you can imagine that my calorie count for the day is incredibly high. Well now I'm going to tell you (which you may have already guessed) but today was a stress binge. There was a murder in my little town. I am so freaked out. I've met and talked to the killer. He was a customer at my work. I feel sick when I think of this fact. I met a killer. He had the ability to kill which means that he could have stabbed me at any time on the job and not thought a word of it. Oh you guys....this came as a weird, eye-opening shock.
Plus T. and I got into a weird little texting fight. He loves accusing me of crazy shit, like giving out my number "three" times in the past few weeks. Like he cares. Like he notices.
All in all, strange day. And a binge day, making it worse. In my defense, I am starting my period. Shit always hits the fan around this time.
My apartment is a mess.
My friend is coming to visit tomorrow, we should have fun! Haven't seen her in awhile. Who knows what the night will bring...
I thought this was going to be short. There is just so much going on in my head. I need to try and get it out.
B. said it right, he said that when I drink I go to a bad/dark place in my head. It's true. I need to get some help.
Think thin.
Last night was weird. Today has been tumultuous...
Again, my expectations with T. were far too high, and so they of course came crashing down hard. Now my insides hurt. I have been walking through a haze, slightly blinded, a little deaf. I have not showered since Wednesday night.
I feel like a disgusting fool.
T. is such a flirt. Last night was ridiculous. We walked to the bar together but did NOT stay together in there. He has this weird clique of friends, these two chicks and one dude. I don't know if I've mentioned them before but they really seem to embrace a group mentality. It's odd and annoying. So T. basically kept hugging and talking to them as I pounded my drinks down and talked to whoever, flirted with some randoms, and felt like leaving every other minute.
I got smashed, and it was this other girl's birthday, our friend I suppose, and T. kept talking to her, exclaiming her name, "M! It's your birthday!" oh why do the little things like that hurt like a paper cut?
So the three of us stood outside after the bar closed, smoking a cigarette. They were talking, I was leaning against the wall wishing I was invisible, wishing I could fall into the ground or evaporate.
She offered him a ride home.
He, of course! said sure!!!!
He was so happy! A ride! Yay!
Fuck you dude you could have slept at my place. If you had even asked, or looked at me, or just smiled, I would have invited you, she just got to it first, damn her on her stupid birthday, i hate the world right now, fuck fuck fuck.
We started walking, me to my place, them to her car, same general direction until: an intersection. Left or Straight, T? He stopped. I stopped. She walked. I glared at him. He, obliviously, said "what?" Oh you know, I can't stand you, you're such a flirt.
I don't even know what I was talking about, but one thing stands out, clear as crystal. I said, "I like you and you don't like me, it's as simple as that." I was so blunt. He had really nothing to say to that, just oh that's not true.
I don't even know what I expect. My point is, last night is a blur. I have been an emotional wreck all day.
So last night after we parted ways, I came home and cried. I got a text from him, "what did I do?". I tried to call him, because my text messaging didn't seem to be working. I called four times, and got no response. I started crying and assumed he was hooking up with her.
I took a knife and slashed my left arm. I thought that I could die and it would be ok. I felt anguish over T. I felt nothing for myself.
I called B. (ex boyfriend who recently became a "friend"). I apologized because it was late. He made me a laugh, a little. He is able to calm me down. If he tries. Which he does, now. Not always when we dated.
I passed out. Dragged myself out of my bed. Went to my first class. I was standing in the hallway before class, and told myself to leave. I felt too sick and like giving up and just going home. I didn't. I stayed. And I'm glad I did. My teacher is a good one.
I skipped my second class (again) (shit).
I went to the dining center. First thing I ate today was 1/2 veggie panini, which came with a handful of potato chips and a pickle. A water. I ate most, just left behind some chips. It gets worse. I went back and got a slice of pizza, a salad, and a banana. The pizza I just craved, so I ate it but it was gross. I threw out the crust. I took the salad and banana home and ate those later, for dinner.
Then I got bored and went to the store. Bought a dvd and some snack foods. Came home and ate cheese and crackers. Lots. Then a 100 calorie Twix bar.
So you can imagine that my calorie count for the day is incredibly high. Well now I'm going to tell you (which you may have already guessed) but today was a stress binge. There was a murder in my little town. I am so freaked out. I've met and talked to the killer. He was a customer at my work. I feel sick when I think of this fact. I met a killer. He had the ability to kill which means that he could have stabbed me at any time on the job and not thought a word of it. Oh you guys....this came as a weird, eye-opening shock.
Plus T. and I got into a weird little texting fight. He loves accusing me of crazy shit, like giving out my number "three" times in the past few weeks. Like he cares. Like he notices.
All in all, strange day. And a binge day, making it worse. In my defense, I am starting my period. Shit always hits the fan around this time.
My apartment is a mess.
My friend is coming to visit tomorrow, we should have fun! Haven't seen her in awhile. Who knows what the night will bring...
I thought this was going to be short. There is just so much going on in my head. I need to try and get it out.
B. said it right, he said that when I drink I go to a bad/dark place in my head. It's true. I need to get some help.
Think thin.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Pain Pulsing Through My Veins.
It's over. T. & I are done. It's official.
I'm not going to lie, I am heartbroken. I sobbed on the phone & off. Mostly I am just so ashamed of my behavior. I don't even recognize myself. I haven't for awhile. I just live, like a sinner. I need to find a new focus. I may try religion. I may try...what? I don't know. But I keep pushing people away and it's not healthy. I am so alone.
My temples throb. I am hungry but I don't want to eat. It is a freakin' blizzard outside, luckily. So no temptation whatsoever to go brush the snow off of my car and travel somewhere fast food-ish to binge. One good thing, I suppose.
T. wouldn't even see me -- we just spoke for about 30 minutes on the phone. He seemed apologetic, to his credit, but I can't think clearly about what I want right now.
This has been coming for awhile, but ohmygod it hurts and it sucks.
One thing I said to him was how I just could not believe that I had only met him a few months ago and liked him so much and so fast and now it's over on account of me fucking up. (Something along those lines)
And it's true. I can't believe it.
He ran through my life like a marathon sprinter.
In and out.
All I can do is sigh, "god" .. I don't know what to do with myself. I smoked and am now contemplating the beer in my fridge. It's a 22 oz, so lots of calories...probably not worth it, considering I don't even like beer, but a little buzz may do me some good. I have a headache from my screaming and tears once I clicked end on my cell. He does not and will not ever know the extent of my pain right now.
I was crying for myself, it's like I am dead. Walking zombie. No shadow, no smile.
Think thin, you guys. Sometimes it's all you have left. Might as well look good. Might as be pleasing to other's eyes, then they might give ya some polite chitchat while staring at your rack, but hey, any attention is good right?
I feel sick. I have been having reallyy strange stomach pains. I am already thinking the worst. Sorry this is all so depressing. I guess it's just me.
I'm not going to lie, I am heartbroken. I sobbed on the phone & off. Mostly I am just so ashamed of my behavior. I don't even recognize myself. I haven't for awhile. I just live, like a sinner. I need to find a new focus. I may try religion. I may try...what? I don't know. But I keep pushing people away and it's not healthy. I am so alone.
My temples throb. I am hungry but I don't want to eat. It is a freakin' blizzard outside, luckily. So no temptation whatsoever to go brush the snow off of my car and travel somewhere fast food-ish to binge. One good thing, I suppose.
T. wouldn't even see me -- we just spoke for about 30 minutes on the phone. He seemed apologetic, to his credit, but I can't think clearly about what I want right now.
This has been coming for awhile, but ohmygod it hurts and it sucks.
One thing I said to him was how I just could not believe that I had only met him a few months ago and liked him so much and so fast and now it's over on account of me fucking up. (Something along those lines)
And it's true. I can't believe it.
He ran through my life like a marathon sprinter.
In and out.
All I can do is sigh, "god" .. I don't know what to do with myself. I smoked and am now contemplating the beer in my fridge. It's a 22 oz, so lots of calories...probably not worth it, considering I don't even like beer, but a little buzz may do me some good. I have a headache from my screaming and tears once I clicked end on my cell. He does not and will not ever know the extent of my pain right now.
I was crying for myself, it's like I am dead. Walking zombie. No shadow, no smile.
Think thin, you guys. Sometimes it's all you have left. Might as well look good. Might as be pleasing to other's eyes, then they might give ya some polite chitchat while staring at your rack, but hey, any attention is good right?
I feel sick. I have been having reallyy strange stomach pains. I am already thinking the worst. Sorry this is all so depressing. I guess it's just me.
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