New year, fresh chapter

It's a new year. My cousin had a baby today. My cousin is gorgeous and quite well off. We're the same age and I've always compared myself to her. Growing up together, she was more outgoing, kinda spoiled, and popular/athletic during school. I was shy and kinda rebellious, a troubled girl falling through the cracks in a big family. I got into drugs, she did not. She's always done well, had good steady jobs and nice apartments. I switched jobs countless times and lived in tiny lofts. She married someone with a very wealthy profession and they live in a gigantic house out in the suburbs. I'm unmarried, in a relationship where the man I love has a serious illness. I'm not even afraid to admit that I'm totally jealous of her. 

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't feel good to admit that and I don't believe I've ever indicated same to her. The funny thing is, despite everything above, it's possible I have strengths that she doesn't. I'm definitely more independent. I've traveled solo, she's always traveled in groups. I'm a tad unconventional and not concerned with staging my life on social media. She posts everything. Perhaps these are just differences and not strengths but for a moment there it felt like my self confidence was trying to have a word.

I'm happy about the baby and look forward to meeting it. I'm just in a mood - woke up feeling ok but it changed quickly. Cat was driving me nuts. Apartment needed cleaning. Bf caught covid and I had to test yesterday but it was negative, twice. Not sure if I should test again today. I don't feel sick, at least. 

I was told some disturbing details about my family member who is in hospice. Found myself morbidly reading about end of life stuff. I'm so sick of living with this all. How can I detach? I told my coworker yesterday I was numb. She and I were having a nice chat and she had mentioned a few times about her mom and started crying as she described a recent occurrence. She then get all embarrassed and was like  "sorry for crying, it's literally nothing compared to everything that's going on with you". It was validating but all I said was "It's ok to cry, I'm honestly numb at this point". 

Sometimes I am numb. But obviously I'm self medicating. I cry of course. I cry every day sometimes. I scream and yell and hurt myself and other with my hateful words. Last week I cried and screamed so much the capillaries around my eyes started to burst. Stuff has been bleak lately.

I skimmed some posts from 2023 last night. There is no question, even without looking back at old posts, that was 2023 was a rough year for me. I felt sad though, seeing how many of my posts describe feeling mad or sad or stressed. I need to live a different way if this is my mood the majority of the time.

But how?? 

--------------------

It's Saturday and my bf is sick so I have the day to myself. It's noon and I gotta shower. I've already cleaned up a bit. The plan is to put my Christmas decorations away. And just veg, I guess. It's supposed to snow today. I need to grocery shop. My appetite has been so wonky lately. I actually lost weight from the stress and not eating as much.

I bought a nice new scale a couple months ago. Holding steady around 131. This is a good weight for me. I feel and look thin. Not that I am super obsessed about my weight these days. I just kinda leave it alone. I don't like binging so that's never a worry. I never ever purge or feel tempted. I mean, it pops into my mind once in awhile as a memory, but it's not an actual desire. I don't try to skip meals or starve myself EVER because I have found that when my blood sugar crashes I get soo mean. I eat as regularly as possible just not a ton and I watch what I eat. Not too much sugar. Not too much carbs. Strive for protein and fiber. I'm still a vegetarian and I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. Plus my anti depressants have an appetite suppressing side effect. 

It's time to end this, thanks for reading. Felt good to vent.

xoxo Sar

Sirens of Your Toxic Spirit

I AM A FUCKING MESS!!!

Now that that is out of the way: ok. I am home from work and the weekend is here and mine. I'm drinking a beer. SO MANY PEOPLE are commenting on my weight loss, including, most recently today..my boss. He is a doctor and asked if I am losing weight in a "healthy way". I blamed it on the abortion, stress, being poor. Everything but the cigarettes and weed and desire to be thin that I've battled for over a decade.

Truth: I am the thinnest I've been since early high school. Not gonna lie, I look great. I am thin. I have what we want. I didn't have to puke, or starve for days. I just stopped binging and kept up the "I want to be thin" mindset so much that it became a lifestyle. Truth: I eat whatever the fuck I want. Pizza. Chocolate. Sandwiches. Chocolate. Whatever the fuck I want. Just not a lot. I get full super easy.

My relationship with D. has been so fucked. On, off, on, off, on, off. Fuck. Fight. Love. Etc. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting but I am completely dependent on his love and validation. I have stopped recognizing myself. I do not know how to be without him. Whenever I think I can, he squirms back into my good graces and I fall, helplessly, back into his strong arms. I fucking love him. I want us so bad. I keep screwing up though, and showing my crazy. Looking back over the year, I have fucked up more times than not. I have been jealous, insecure, horrible, accusatory, and cryptic; I've lied, held back, told half truths and done whatever the hell I want while always making sure he did what I want. Essentially I tried to make him my bitch. It did not work. All I've done is rub my depression off on him. And I do feel guilt.

Work is ok. I am bored by my job and resentful of my boss's success. He makes a lot of money and pays me low, offering no benefits. If I'm honest with myself there are perks though. We've traveled (once). He has given me different projects which have definitely enhanced my experience. He has bought me lunch and brought me breakfast soo many times. It's been a year now. I will try to stay for at least six more months. I feel that familiar restless itch, which makes me switch jobs and move so much, but perhaps the itch is me. In me. My inward battle of the self.

I'm on beer number two and about to blaze. Talk later. Love and Peace.

xx,
Sar

Life update

It's been awhile. I have been purposely ignoring this blog and not writing because writing means deal with it, face it, look into myself and try to come back to the surface without tripping over my troubles. The thing is, I edited this four page letter to the attorney general from my boss today at work and it made me remember that I like writing. So I'm here because I want to be.

A lot has changed, of course. My guilt and regret about the abortion remain current. Yes, regret, as unbelievable as that sounds. Me, with a baby? I am hardly coping with myself. That is, I smoke weed every day and have been chain smoking cigarettes. Barely eating. TRYING to eat more but just...can't. Don't want to.

D. and I broke up a few weeks ago but have spoken via text or phone every day since. Spoken for the most part meaning fight. We've met up a couple times for food and sex. What the hell kind of break up is this?

It hurts. I love him still, I carried his child that we chose not to keep. We shared a life-changing experience. How can I walk away? The truth is that I'm terrified of being without him. I don't want to be with anyone else having had an abortion. I'm not in therapy anymore but last time I was there I mentioned this and she said you can choose to tell the next guy or not, up to you. So either way I'm fucked! Keep it a secret, a lie...or tell them and potentially damage their view of me. With D. I don't have to worry about that.

With D. I don't have secrets. But, the fact remains that we are not together. I am single. And so not ready to mingle.

I moved about a month ago and it went well, really enjoying my new, nicer spot but feeling incredibly isolated. My two closest friends are in the city I just moved away from. I have friends around here but not across the street like how it was before. I've been having fun though. I went to a concert, had drinks, dinner, brunch, etc with friends in the past few weeks.

The drama with D. and dealing with the after effects of the abortion have been my main focus. Still bleeding off and on, cramps off and on, emotional as fuck. Intense and insane feelings for him. Last week in person we both admitted that we still love each other. We just fight so fucking much. We don't work, which sucks to think.

It's a complicated and confusing situation right now. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to function. There are things, serious things, that need to be done (still): my taxes and student loan stuff. I have been literally been putting them off for months! I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch in my pjs at 8pm like an old lady. Off for the next 3 days. Happy hour tomorrow, headed back to the city to grab some mail, and the bank. Saturday and Sunday are up in the air but hopefully I'll make the best of them. Tonight is me time. Me myself and I, single lady with her cat. Fml.

xo, thanks so much for reading, love to you all.
~S

ETA:
I realized today that I really like helping people by making them feel better, even if it's brief. A patient came in who lost his wife two months ago. He is an elderly man, at first gruff but with kindness. To watch him and his wife was so sweet, he would lead her by arm everywhere, they were an adorable old twosome. Anyway she passed and we just found out when he started coming back (he hadn't been in for a few months). Today I took extra time to talk with him and when I led him to a treatment room I pointed out the large and exquisite painting on the wall. He looked at it, noticed it's beauty and walked to it, touched it and said "I don't think I've ever noticed this before. It IS nice." It was such a cool moment, and I felt very present. I also felt like I had helped him in my own way, by pointing out a little beauty to allow him to become present too, and maybe for an instant not feel intense grief.

Scarlett letter A

Tomorrow is the big day. I have done a lot of reading and research this week, a lot of talking and crying and over thinking...but I am not in denial. I understand that I was supremely irresponsible, and for that I must pay the consequence which is making an impossible choice.

I know that I am not ready for a baby. I do not want to have a baby this year. Yes, I am 28 years old and plenty old enough to have one, but it is not what I want right now. As you all know, I like doing what I want. Isn't life just a series of decisions regarding what you want next? Hell, they even say if you want happiness you've got to choose it.

As for me, I choose life. MY life.

Of course it is heartbreaking to feel me and D.'s unborn embryo in my tummy. I can definitely feel it, I am a changed woman. I have been able to say aloud "I am pregnant" and know that it is as true as you and me.

It sucks to know that I am choosing not to let our unborn embryo live. It sucks that this had to happen now. It sucks that I was so foolish regarding birth control. It sucks that I will have to live with this choice for the rest of my life.

But maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I will be ok.

I believe this is happening for a reason. What is the life lesson here Sar?

Tomorrow is the big day and I am nervous as can be but also excited for it all to be over. I don't want to be pregnant right now. I don't like feeling nauseous (all day sickness - not just morning). My boobs KILL. I have no sex drive. I have no appetite and then I'm ravenous but nothing sounds appealing. I haven't been able to touch coffee and sushi sounds like the worst thing in the world, two of my previous faves. My mood has been all over the place. My emotions are...insane.

Tomorrow it ends. Tomorrow I walk out of there a free woman. Tomorrow I have to face reality and face myself and forgive myself and love myself and forgive the universe for dealing me this hand.

D. is going with me. It was luckily never a question. He has fluctuated between handling it great and totally freaking out. He is scared of course, and the timing could not be worse as he is leaving the country for a 5 week backpacking trip through central america on monday. We will miss each other and he will do his best to support me over the phone but for the most part I will be leaning on myself.

My parents do not know, nor my siblings. They may never. I have told three close friends and my boss. I am being called on to be strong right now and it will be a real test for D. and I's relationship. I can do this. I will be ok.

I am not in shock anymore. I am borderline accepting of the entire thing. Therapy this week helped a ton. D. is helping a lot. Music and maryjane help.

Thanks for the love and for reading about my life. Tomorrow is the big day and I am asking for your prayers/good vibes that everything goes smoothly. I never wanted to make this decision, you guys. I never wanted any of this but it's here and all I can do is what's best for me and hope to eventually forgive myself.

I'm sorry baby. Mommy is not ready for you yet. I hope and believe that your beautiful and innocent soul will be sent to someone loving, mature, present, financially stable, and ready to devote her life to you. I'm sorry it is not me, not yet.

xo
Sar

Needy

Oh you guys, why am I so lost and confused? After work (it was already dark) I grabbed my pepper spray and walked a couple blocks to a bar. I chugged two beers. Now I'm sitting here stressing and obsessing. The alcohol was supposed to help. I'm smoking, which is also supposed to help. Nothing helps.

I can't even break "the dealio" down into a nutshell, as much as I want to. Things with D. are as varied as ever. We have a solid week of goodness, and then a few awkward ass days and nights. He is going through a tough time. His cat ran away over a week ago and he took a nail to the head at work. I am needy as fuck and losing my shit over the space and distance he has placed between us. I try to understand that this is how he deals. Except...it doesn't quite work. I am not able to understand why he doesn't need me.

My hair is fucked. I hate my fucking hair.

I have largely ignored this blog because I've been obsessed with D. I fancied myself falling in love. The harsh reality is that it's too soon for that.

Music helps though. I do love music. Currently listening to Guster - Satellite.

Work is fine just not enough hours or money it seems. I am consistently broke and barely managing to pay all of my bills. I need work clothes and new glasses yesterday. I need to go to the dentist. I need to take my cat for a check up (it's been a couple years).

*heavy sigh*

It will all work out. Que sera sera.

Xo
-s

Mind time traveling

Sitting here close to midnight alone and contemplative. Tomorrow is the first day of my new job. Why do I feel scared to wake up so early? It's like I don't think I can handle waking at the crack of dawn, just because it's been awhile and I'm up late. My fears befuddle me.

I will get up and go, start this new chapter with a smile and ambition. I can do this. I can stick this out. I can commit.

I have changed jobs so many times. I have had a million first days.

Keeping my part time job for as long as I can to catch up financially. I plan to save some money and take a weekend trip as soon as possible. I have Fridays off at my new job, plus the weekend obviously. Sucks for money purposes (hence why I'm keeping second job) but it's AWESOME. Who am I kidding?

I don't mind working two jobs for a bit longer. Staying busy keeps me less dependent upon the attention of boys. Not talking really to anyone at the moment. You know how it changes fast though...

I feel like I ate a lot today. I am too grossed out to list it all. I didn't binge, just ate a little too much and I want to walk for ten miles but it's night and I am not walking alone in this city after dark. Excuses?

I'll make up for it tomorrow, I promise. I will restrict during the day (at work) and at night I'll stay strong. Let my eyes linger on the prize.

I did some cleaning today and took myself shopping. I haven't been clothes shopping in months. I bought four shirts on a store charge card. The total was about $60. No, I should not have spent the money but they were on sale and are all work-wearable and guess what chicken butt - it was needed. I'm working in a ritzier suburban area and need to dress the part want to fit in. I'll pay it off next month.

Rewinding time to Saturday night...I went to my neighbor's and partied it up. Wine, weed, blow. Just a little bit. I know, I'm bad. Needless to say I was up until about 6:30AM and could not sleep in. I forgot how it effects me. I was tired all day and today as well.

Smoking gave me a jolt and my nerves are back for tomorrow. Deep breath. I can do this. I know I can. I love a challenge! I long for work and a paycheck. I have accomplished my goal! I have successfully bounced out of underemployment. I saved myself! I will no longer be broke. I will have a routine. I will discover new parts of myself. I will not gain weight. I will maintain or lose...there's really no other acceptable option.

Everything I tried on today fit. I did not have to exchange sizes. It felt good to feel sort of thin. Must stay strong.

Gotta finish this pipe and hit the hay. Going to take on tomorrow with confidence. Have a great day!!

xo
Sar

Am I wrong?

Today was the last day of school. I am officially working one part time job at 12 hours a week. I'm done being scared. Bring on the uncertainty.

Men, they come and go. Life is a series of people leaving. You know what this means...after a great date last week things with Jake have officially fizzled. Like I knew they would. Sucks being right.

Am I wrong? Could be. He could still care. I don't know, we held hands last week. We kissed rather passionately. We talked. Now it's me initiating text convos and him asking me to hang at midnight. I'm not your midnight booty call!!!! Today I asked him to take a walk around one in the afternoon. His answer was no, maybe later. I responded with "forget it!".

Over it. Trying anyway.

There's always music thank god. I'm obsessed with music.

Feeling thin today. The stress of being poor and heartbroken kill my appetite every time. Sadness is my muse. I've been writing more poetry.

The day looms ahead, long and frightening in it's unpredictability. So I'm going home. I will bring laundry. I will chat with my dad and mom and brother. I will hopefully get some money from them.

My body hurts. I'm hungry, haven't ate a thing today. Can't though. Why fucking bother.

Have a great day loves.
Listen to this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQHbmCeSGW8

xo
Sarah

Don't kill yourself

Another day, another death to find out about. The more people you know, the more loss you'll feel, the more sorrow. Another wake on Thursday and I need to be there, and my brother, and my friends...to celebrate the life of someone who commit suicide.

I say on here a lot of things. I say I hate life. I say I wish I was dead. I am reckless with drinking and drugs and driving. Sometimes I want to hurt myself or someone else.

But when it comes down to it...when shit really hits the fan, I know that I could never do it. I wouldn't want to. I fear death.

Rest in Peace Marty. What the fuck (as my eyes tear up again). WHY? A gunshot to the face at a party in front of people? I am mad and sad and horrified. I ache, especially for those closest to him.

~~~~~~

I binged on Sunday. I ate 2500 calories, haven't done that in ages. I've been averaging like 800 a day. But I woke yesterday in self destruct mode. I felt like crap, physically and mentally about it. Today was a fresh start though. I've ate healthily. No ice cream. No pizza. Yes, on Sunday I had both.

Don't get it twisted, I am determined to finish what I started here. I am going to continue to lose weight. I am going to continue working out, burning those calories at the gym and in the bedroom. ;-)

Tomorrow I am going to look at an apartment in the city (!). J. is coming with. Hope I like it. Because I want out.

Think thin loves.
Live life!
XO
Sar

Goodbye 2012

Well this will conclude my little posting spree...I think. I'm dressed up, wearing a sexy pink dress, black tights, tall black boots, and pink feather earrings. I look hot. And thin?

On this eve, I'm sipping on a glass of wine before I head to my friend's house for a get together. Then we are off to an outdoor concert where we will surely freeze on this 20 degree night. And I'm wearing a dress. I'm crazy.

I'm also 26 years old and I fear that my priorities are fucked. Someone once told me that, and it kinda stuck. My priority is getting high. My priority is looking good, and thin.

What about the less fortunate? Why don't I volunteer my time and service? Maybe if I took the focus off me for once my eyes and mind would truly open.

Lots of changes ahead...I want to be a better person.

***

J. and I had met for tea a little while ago. We wanted to check in and be sure that we're on the same page before we all hang out in a group tonight. I told him I really like him. He told me he thinks we are better off as friends because "no one wants us together". He is right. Even his sister doesn't like it...I do not fully understand why but I cannot fight it, or beg him to think about it, or anything...I just have to accept it. So that's what I'm doing. I am attempting to accept my broken heart. Again.

And that's where I'm at folks. Hunched over my laptop blasting music wanting to cry and skip out on all of this tonight, but I won't. I will go celebrate and ring in the new year with my friends, because that's what people do: we keep moving forward. There's no other option.

I wish you all the best, and peace, and joy...in the year to come, and every year. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for joining me on my journey. This blog is a good outlet for me.

Stay strong.
Lots of love.
Much peace/mucho paz.

XO
Sarah


Talk to you next year!!!!!! =)

Let the madness begin

My coffee's gone cold and I'm paralyzed in my chair. 

It's Friday, and I've got an event-packed weekend at my fingertips.

Tonight: Leave work three hours early. Get all dolled up. Go to see band at bar. Lead singer of band is J., a guy I messed around with six months ago. We haven't seen each other since and this is the first time in awhile that his band is playing here again. He is the one who got rough with me...my fantasy. I have a scar on my arm from our last night together. A literal scar. From being pushed into the wall or washing machine, who can remember?

Tomorrow: Big Halloween Party. C. is coming, even though I blew him off last weekend. I am wearing a slutty/sexy costume. It's tight and revealing, so I've been eating less the past few days. As for C.,  well, I don't know. I wish I didn't invite him but maybe we'll have a good time.

Boys boys boys! My days and nights are filled with them!

At work, J. and I have been talking more and more. We exchange fleeting longing stares. He is beyond sexy. It makes work kind of fun and reckless. This could go on for awhile.

***

Time to get ready. I only have to work for five hours today! The sooner I get there, the sooner I leave :) 

Think super-thin today. Say NO to dessert and second helpings. Not worth it.

Being thin and gorgeous will get you places, and as much as I'd like to deny that in favor of equal rights, I can't. 

It's a fact. Be thin. Think thin. Stay strong.

Be amazing.

***

XO

~Sar

This is the Title

Happy October! (I know I'm a little late). This is probably my favorite month of the year because I love Halloween! Anyone already have their costume planned? I do! I plan to be "Mia" from Pulp Fiction (before the overdose)! I just love wigs!

A lot is going on in the world! You've all heard of the Wall Street Protests, I'm sure? I SUPPORT THEM! This country is fucked up...We could use a little change! Starting with the banishment of corporate monetary influence on politics! I will definitely be accompanying my "local Occupy Movement" and I suggest you do the same.

But I'm not here to preach to you. I'm doing my usual smoke and coffee before work. I'm also cleaning my room and washing my sheets because tonight my sister is flying in (and taking over my room)! Lucky me is vanquished to the tiny upstairs bedroom. Oh well, I'm looking at it like a little vacation. It's good for me to change up my routine a bit.

Just took a second to quickly pay a bill. I would complain about it, normally. However I'm actually making money. Not tons but enough to pay my bills. Unrelated but does anyone remember that Destiny's Child song: "Bills, bills, bills"? I think I still know all the words!

I am feeling somewhat positive today. Here's why: I am excited to see my sis. I am happy that I was able to save enough vacation time at work to take tomorrow completely off. And still get paid for it. Just eight hours to weekend freedom! I am getting used to my recently dyed hair...also some of the color faded a tiny bit, revealing auburn undertones. There is a new(ish) cute guy at work who I sometimes check out and it makes work more fun. Just slightly so but still.

As for my weight, well, it's definitely fluctuating. The other day I stepped on the scale and saw a very high number. I panicked, and proceeded to stuff my face. You'd think my reaction would be the opposite. Since then I've been eating less and smoking cigarettes again and the number is creeping back down. It's sad that smoking really does replace food and keep my weight on the decreasing side of the spectrum. Such is life, I suppose.

My brain and deep consciousness are constantly engaged,
I'm figuring shit out, and
reflecting, ruminating.
I'm thinking thinking thinking.
Planning not so much.
Baby steps, right?

I'm bummed to admit that moving out and living on my own means more to me than going back to school for my Master's degree.

This is huge.

But maybe...it's not that big.

Maybe it's just me, I'M ME.

Nobody else can make up my mind, nothing else can defer my dreams. And I long to feel like a responsible adult keeping up an apartment like a champ. I'm thinking January. A fresh start for a new year.

Time to finish cleaning and then get ready for work. I haven't ate yet, maybe I won't. Have I mentioned my fat thighs lately? It seems like fat collects there more than anywhere on my body. Why is this??

Think thin, lovely readers. Thanks for being here. Peace on Earth.

***

***

XO

Sar

A crutch to ease my pain

Heyy strangers. I haven't posted in weeks. Probably because I'm somewhat dead inside.

I've been back and forth on major life decisions, procrastinating like crazy, and eating my feelings. And I feel pretty blue, bloggers.

Remember last time when I was telling you about "R."? Haha I knew I shouldn't have bothered even mentioning him. He blew me off totally and completely. I'm so over men.

The days are rushing by and it's already Fall. The leaves are shriveling up and plunging to their deaths all over our lawn. How dare they litter the once green expanse of fresh cut grass? The sky is darkening at a rapid rate. The nights have that ping of coldness and I've been wearing sweaters.

I am behind on things and beating myself up. I have attempted to quit smoking cigarettes and the stress of this is turning me into such a bitch. I'm sick of myself and and my looks. You know what that means. Yep, I dyed my hair. I relish the feeling of gazing into a stranger's eyes in the mirror. I don't want to recognize me. I am the Unfamilar, the Unheimlich.

I'm pondering and reflecting. I'm fading out and away. As far as I know, I'm losing weight. I definitely still crave thin and will do what it takes to be as slim as possible.

I've been out of therapy for about a month and everyone can tell. Not really but it feels that way. I am acting different lately...I'm rude and uncaring and easily irritated and on the constant verge of tears. I get flashes of anger every other minute. Like, right now. The phone is ringing. It's been ringing all morning and I'm fucking annoyed. STOP CALLING OUR HOUSE, PEOPLE!

I want to move out. I want to go get my Master's degree. I want a new car. I want to spend more time with my cat. I want to eat a pizza to myself in my underwear on a Friday night with no one around to judge. I think I need to start planning something.

Because I'm hungry for change. I need something new and refreshing before I fucking off myself.

***

***

Think Thin

XO

Sar

New plan

I ate like shit this weekend. Today I woke up hungry, which angered me. How dare I feel hungry when just last night I ate so many goldfish crackers and 2 reese cups and cookies and licorice? Thankfully I did not give in, I did not eat. I am bloated now, due to last night and the fact that I'm retaining water because of my oncoming period. These are fun times, my friends.

However! There is a bright side. I have designed a new plan for myself. My student loan debt is out of control so I've been brainstorming ideas like crazy. I could die or try to pretend I lost a spouse in 9/11 or I could go back to school. I'm obviously choosing the school option because I like to learn and I don't feel like doing anything rash or illegal.

So here's what I am going to do: take 2 classes this Fall (part time status), 2 classes in the Spring, and (hopefully) get into the Fall 2012 Nursing program!! All at my local community college! The classes will be reasonably priced so I will pay for them with cash and my credit card, no more loans until next year when I enter the new degree program. I won't be adding to my debt just yet, but I won't be paying on it either. Sounds like a win-win situation!

I can quit my terrible full time soul sucking job and waitress part time somewhere, ALSO, I can defer all of my student loans! Ahh, my breaths are coming easier now.

So that's my plan, and I'm sticking to it. Tomorrow I will get up early and head over to the college to talk to someone from admissions.

I need this, you guys. I need to better myself. Also, RN's make decent money. Assuming I get into the program and can find a good job after, I will have no problem eventually making large payments on the $70K I owe to the government. I have been considering the nursing thing for a few weeks now, and it just hit me today that I could jump back into school part time this Fall and defer my loan payments. I've never gone part time so I think it will be good for me. I will have less classes and more time to prepare for them. I just know I will succeed.

I plan to take a (desperately needed) math class and some sort of english class. I will be able to use the gym and pool. I will (hopefully) meet some new friends, I'm getting so sick of my old ones.

Time to shower and head to work. The knowledge of my decision will propel me through this day. I can do this, I can stick this out. I can get through this day with a smile on my face and an excited butterfly in my stomach, a secret desire in my heart.

Think thin! I'm (obviously) restricting hardcore today due to yesterday's madness. So far I've had a few fresh cherries and 2 cups of black coffee, also some water. I probably won't eat before work and I'll have a small salad and some more fruit on my lunch break. Love to you all.

XO
Sar

***

***

Thin is in.

Crazy + Black Swan pics

Finally Friday. This week has been long and exhausting. Work is getting the best of me. My various disorders and mental health issues are thriving. Today I ate a (small) brownie for breakfast. I am sipping coffee now, doing laundry. I have to shower in the next 20 minutes. And then leave. I don't wanna.

Wow, can I be any more ridiculous? I went so long without work, why am I complaining? Why do I hate this so much? It's an awkward job, it really is. I work with a bunch of dudes and they all talk and throw balls around and get away with murder, basically. I work my butt off while thinking depressed thoughts and growing slightly more miserable by the minute.

Lunchtime in the cafeteria is weird. A lot of people "order out" from pizza places and the like, daily. As in every day, 5 days a week, 20 days a month. Ew. Not me. I have brought my lunch every day except for one day where I was feeling fat so I didn't eat anything, just drank some diet pepsi. I definitely got a lot of stares. 

I bring fruit (always) and a sandwich (usually). Or a string cheese and granola bar. I try and hit up a few food groups, for energy. Water to drink. I TRY to eat slowly and normally. I TRY not to stare at other people's pizza and pasta and subs. I TRY not to hate myself for wanting to ask for a bite.

OK, 8 hours, Sar. 8 hours until the weekend. You can do it, you can! You got this! You can go back there, just get though today.

Pep talk, over.

I want another job. So much. So I need to start looking. There is an Olive Garden opening up here, anyone ever serve there?? How is it?

My Dad and I haven't talked in about a week, maybe more. This happens a lot: we get in a fight and ignore each other's presence for a reallllly long time after. Weeks, months....until my mom intervenes or one of us forgets about it. It's fucking stupid and it's no fucking wonder I seek approval and attention from men all the time. Daddy issues up the wazoo.

How do I change my personality?? I hate been so socially awkward and shy at work. I HATE IT! Please help, what can I do to change the way I am and the ways in which I interact with (semi) strangers??

Listen to Adele "Crazy For You". Can her voice be any more beautiful? Don't think so. I love her!

Ok hotties, I must end this. I would give anything to not have to work today but there really is no option there. I need to keep in mind that I got paid today, direct deposit style. Money is a decent motivator, but I am seriously not getting paid enough to sit through the torture that is my job.

Think thin today and everyday. I'm supposedly going to the beach tomorrow, *looks down at stomach*, gasp! Hopefully I don't look like a hippo. Well at least I'm thinner than some of my friends. What a pathetic existence I live.

I am holding steady at 142. I need to get out of the 140s, what the fuck is WRONG with ME??? Just end this freaking post Sar no one cares about your pity party. This is how I talk to myself, so nastily. I hate me. I'm trying not to but I really really do.

XO

p.s. I watched "Black Swan" again last night...I love Natalie Portman in that film, she is so thin, so goddamn thin. I want to be that thin. I want to look like that. I will. I FUCKING WILL!!!

***

Love her thin arms, shoulders, and chest

Those ribs stick out wonderfully

Thin, perfect

Fragile neck looks amazing

Gorgeous bony beauty

Tiniest waist ever

Collarbones and fearful eyes





***





Think thin. Be thin. Stay thin.

I am not okay.

Things are far from wonderful. I am sick now. Little food and sleep will eventually do that. I have a headache from crying endless tears.

T. is driving me crazy (surprise, surprise).

I don't even know what to say right now. Everything is a mess. School might just kill me. I have a paper due on Friday that I have not started. All my teachers just expect me to be fine, well I am not. I am alive, sure. But not fine.

Today I ate: cottage cheese with mixed berries. vegetable soup. 2 slices of wheat bread (80 cal each) dipped in the soup. an apple. an orange.
Total cals? About 750?? That's a guess..

That's it, and I feel huge. I hate food. I did some walking today, some yoga yesterday. Ha, yesterday was 4/20 and I smoked lots.

Then I started feeling sick, and here I am. Feeling sick, feeling tired. Feeling unloved. Feeling unlucky.

I can only express myself in certain ways. The rage inside is too much, at times, and I do believe it scares people.

Ughhh I just want to die, or melt away, or disappear, or SOMETHING.
PLEASE MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!

All I am doing is complaining, you probably hate me.

I hate me.

I hate everything right now. The only thing that sounds even remotely good is smoking some weed and going to fucking bed. I am hopeless. My life is hopeless.

Where did my enthusiasm go? Where is my ambition and will to live?

Gone. It's all fucking gone, because I got myself too hooked on T. again and he is aware and pushing me the fuck away. This happens a lot. I hate me, did I already say that?

I look so ugly right now: puffy, red eyes from crying and napping with my contacts in. fat face. bloated but hungry belly.

Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

Please.

Maybe Ana will.


because, as always, I am thinkin' thin. So should you!

I am really disappointed in myself for eating today.

Don't Eat Yet.

Good day. It is almost two o'clock in the afternoon and all I've eaten is cottage cheese with strawberries and blueberries. It is a small portion. I barely have an appetite. It's different, all of a sudden I just lost the hunger. I am okay with it, actually, because I am clearly losing weight. Bones, bones, and a nicer face because some of the fat has melted away. Seeing myself on Tv really showed me that I have a fat face. I have always thought it, but was never absolutely sure. Until now. So maybe that contributes.

I am sort of a mess. I have been so damn busy. I cannot believe everything that has been and still has to be done. Ugh. I am ready for a break, but that is simply not an option. My moods are unstable. I haven't slept properly in over a week. Sleep, who needs it anyway?

I have less than a month of school left. Then comes summer and moving to my parent's house. I wonder what the hell I'm going to do next.

I am hoping inspiration comes to me all of a sudden. I smoked just now. Still kinda am actually, but it doesn't take much anymore.

My entire life is changed and I hope for the better.

You wouldn't believe how petrified I feel. My security, the only sense of safety I've ever known, is gone. Simply vanished and I must move on!

First things first. Activate cell phone. Go to store. Shower. T. Meeting. Study. Sleep.

Ok.

*Breathes*

I can do this.



[on an empty stomach]


bring on the cigs

xo

think thin.


b/c

everything is better as long as I am getting thinner..

Is there anybody out there?

Hello.
I am sitting in the same place I sat last week when I first told you lovely readers the devastation that has become my life. It has been one week, barely. I have new "things" and a new perspective. I am alive. My cat is fine. I saved his life, and my own. Here is a scary thought: I was depressed. What if I would have used the fire as my opportunity to die "accidentally"? What if I would have laid in my bed and let the flames engulf me, slowly suffocating me, so painfully, so tragically?

Ah, the what-ifs will kill me if this overwhelming, pressing urge to live on doesn't. I will make the most of my life. Ana readers, listen up. Tragedy kills your appetite. I have not binged. Food is not a reward anymore. Food is nothing but something that will prolong my life. I don't need much.

Just wanted to update, I guess. I can't read. I can't write. I am not very inspired. I am getting sick. I have a place to stay until the end of the semester, and then I am moving home (can't wait). I am ok. I am not ok. A stupid girl who lived two floors down from me started the fire because she was drunk and careless. Let that be a lesson to you. Fire kills.

I was on the news. My cat is thriving, he has much more space here, plus a friend (my roommate has a kitty). I have got some new clothes, but clothes don't mean much anymore. What does? I am still trying to figure it out. My path to salvation is not clear. I wonder if it ever will be?
I missed classes today, but emailed my professors. I am listening to music and I do really love music. I miss my i-pod and Lose it app. I miss lots of things, mostly my sense of security. I am terrified of candles now: do not ever light one around me. I mean it, I'll punch you.

T. saved me last week. The fire was last Monday. He came to my rescue; he brought us (cat and I) to his apartment, gave me clothes (because I was wearing shorts and a tee, having just woke from nap), he slipped me a twenty dollar bill and a pack of cigs; he is a kind soul.
We also spent Saturday night together. I need him, or anyone, maybe. I have myself now. I was saved for a reason.

I love you all, I wish I could want to type more now. But I don't. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted and my mind is a blank slate. Please count your blessings. Please remember that nothing is permanent.

Oh, and think thin.

Tangled words.

Forming words takes too much concentration. Incomplete thoughts and half-hearted proclamations rule my life. I feel weird. I feel dead. Sometimes I am a hermit. Not last night, no, last night I hung with my friend and then went to the bar and eventually met up and hung out with T. It was nice. We flirted and he was sort of touchy-feely. He texted me after we went our separate ways saying, "I miss you..you should know". I said "I already know and I've missed you too".

Then I went to sleep.

Then I woke up. Hungover. Ate some food, not too much. Smoked with my neighbor.Now I am sitting here. Dead. School is tomorrow. I am not mentally prepared. I am dependent on smoking weed. I have to work in an hour and a half. Until midnight. Then school in the morning. I'm scared.

My throat hurts from the cigarette I just inhaled. I am tired and caffeine-free. I am feelin' a little crazy, last night was pretty surreal. My life is one perpetual yesterday, last night, last minute. I confuse my dreams with realities. I am the walrus.

I have nothing to say but everything to say. I smell smoke. It lingers in the still air, even though my window is cracked. School tomorrow. Shit.shit.shit! I wish I knew what to do with myself.

I can't think. I can feel. I feel strange.

Ever listen to "Beast or burden" by the Rolling Stones? Good stuff.

I need to be undead.


I am so incredibly frustrated right now. Last night T. mentioned on 3 separate occasions us hanging out today before I went to work. I got super excited like a typical girl and envisioned good times. It didn't happen. He slept super late and was lazily texting me like I had all afternoon to chill. I like planning things. So we just got off the phone and he's like "I need to get food and cigarettes" so I'm like "I'll just chill here then, next time you say you want to hang out let's actually hang" (BIG mistake). He started to retort something (we've been here before) but then seemingly swallowed it said "ok, just ok".

So maybe tonight.

What should I wear to my first day of classes? It's supposed to rain so I'm thinking jeans and boots and a sweater, lol, how original. We'll freakin see. Have I mentioned I'm nervous about classes???

Ok, sorry for the boring entry. Just kinda sitting here thinking and not thinking, typing some shit, then erasing it, then I don't know. I'm just floating.

Pain Pulsing Through My Veins.

It's over. T. & I are done. It's official.
I'm not going to lie, I am heartbroken. I sobbed on the phone & off. Mostly I am just so ashamed of my behavior. I don't even recognize myself. I haven't for awhile. I just live, like a sinner. I need to find a new focus. I may try religion. I may try...what? I don't know. But I keep pushing people away and it's not healthy. I am so alone.

My temples throb. I am hungry but I don't want to eat. It is a freakin' blizzard outside, luckily. So no temptation whatsoever to go brush the snow off of my car and travel somewhere fast food-ish to binge. One good thing, I suppose.
T. wouldn't even see me -- we just spoke for about 30 minutes on the phone. He seemed apologetic, to his credit, but I can't think clearly about what I want right now.
This has been coming for awhile, but ohmygod it hurts and it sucks.

One thing I said to him was how I just could not believe that I had only met him a few months ago and liked him so much and so fast and now it's over on account of me fucking up. (Something along those lines)

And it's true. I can't believe it.
He ran through my life like a marathon sprinter.
In and out.

All I can do is sigh, "god" .. I don't know what to do with myself. I smoked and am now contemplating the beer in my fridge. It's a 22 oz, so lots of calories...probably not worth it, considering I don't even like beer, but a little buzz may do me some good. I have a headache from my screaming and tears once I clicked end on my cell. He does not and will not ever know the extent of my pain right now.
I was crying for myself, it's like I am dead. Walking zombie. No shadow, no smile.

Think thin, you guys. Sometimes it's all you have left. Might as well look good. Might as be pleasing to other's eyes, then they might give ya some polite chitchat while staring at your rack, but hey, any attention is good right?

I feel sick. I have been having reallyy strange stomach pains. I am already thinking the worst. Sorry this is all so depressing. I guess it's just me.

Scandalous!!

Twiggy: You're beautiful.


I am taking a few minutes now to blog because the events of 2010 are just plain juicy. It's barely started. I am already in a whirlwind. I am putting off some errands for a short time to jot this down, I can hardly believe it myself.

Sorry if this is confusing:

New Years Eve: went to work, made a decision to NOT drive to see my girlfriends in the next city, and texted T.'s friend, who's name also starts with T. So for my purposes I'll call him Tom. (Keep in mind that T. is in his hometown getting drunk with friends). So I texted Tom while at work, asking him to meet me for shots. I knew he had no plans because he told me the night prior. He agreed. I went home after work & changed into a skirt & leggings & boots..lookin'cute and swiggin' Captain Morgan. Then I met up with Tom. (T.'s friend.) (T = the guy I have been seeing)

We started with double mixed drinks and shots and dancing. It was the most random new years eve, but we met up with a mutual friend, J, and the 3 of us started "dancing" (more like swaying & bopping, but who's looking? we're alone on the dance floor; there is a ring of drunks around us). I kept meeting Tom's eyes, and I kinda had the intuition that he was into me. I suspected it before, sort of, but not really. I mean, I've only met him 3 times, the first time was because T. brought me there & introduced us.

The night grows blurry. The time is fun. Midnight came and the 3 of us new years singles met eyes. I squirmed under Tom's burning stare.

We danced more. Drank a LOT more. Then Tom and I started MAKING. OUT.
WhAt???!!!!???

Omg. Why.
Is he cute? Yes. But like no one I have ever been with. He is taller, older, wears glasses, HUNTS for godssake..I know him barely. But he is an amazing kisser.
And T.'s close friend. I feel bad. It gets better.
I told T. the next day. I said "Tom and I kissed" -just like that. His first question? "Did you make out?"
I
lied.
"no."

Yes we did. There were sparks, even. The problem is that I was just trashed. And we smoked pot afterward. I remember getting up from the table at which we were sitting & smoking at, and going to lie down on the floor in J.'s bathroom. I called T. at this time, got all teary, he was annihilated (quite drunk) and then his phone died.
The next time we talked is when I told him and that was the last time we talked. That was yesterday, a full 25 hours ago now. We exchanged a couple texts. But he is mad, I can tell. He really didn't show it on the phone. I guess I didn't let him, I kept blabbing on, trying to save my soul. It didn't work.

I feel like shit about it.
The truth is I don't know why it happened. But I liked it. And I have no clue what my feelings are for either guy at this moment. I don't know if they've even talked. I let Tom know last night that I had dropped the bomb to T....he was mad cool, even chill, about it. He said the reason it happened is because it felt right in the moment and that I'm a "really pretty girl who is nice with a good head on my shoulders and why not take a risk?"

Um? I don't want to ruin the mystery, but I clearly don't have a good head on my shoulders.
I like the taking a risk part though. I told him I liked his boldness. I do. I don't know about sexual attraction though. It's a big thing for me.
I mean, T. was amazing in bed. I was extremely attracted to his body..

LOok at me using the past tense.
It's because I know it's over.

But maybe something new is starting with Tom.
Maybe all of this is happening for a reason.

Just keeping NYE in mind..T. was NOT available to hang. He hasn't been at all. Wake up Sar. Smell the roses. You knew this. You just wanted to speed the hurting process along. Did it have to be his friend though??

I'm hopeless.

2010 is off to a great start.
I need to spend some time alone, thinking about all of this. 3 weeks until school starts again. That means yoga!! Woo! I'm only taking it once a week but hey, it's more exercise. And more of a chance to lose.

I like the idea of being with a bigger guy. T. was skinny. Tom is bigger. I don't know to what extent. But bigger makes me feel smaller.

I can't get ahead of myself. I am waiting on T. really. To see if I hear from him. He is in town tonight for work, maybe he will call after. Even if he does I won't see him at midnight. I don't think. I have slept all day, it's not like I'll be tired.
I want to see him and touch him and talk to him but there is a little part of me who just wants to ignore him and give him the space he so obviously needs, without a messy talk squeezed in the mix.

Help, anyone? Seriously if you have read this much, maybe you might have an opinion?

Oh & think thin!!!