The space between our wicked lies

Look away, look away

As April comes to an end I can look back and say with certainty that I've changed. Maybe not a lot but enough. When this month started I was coming off a high. I was hooked on Z. That faded fairly fast, and now I've almost forgotten him. I've realized the truth; I remain logical.

Instead of regret or remorse I am numb.

Today is Tuesday and it's raining. They are calling for rain all week. I got drunk on Sunday. I didn't even mean to. The funny thing with me and drinking is that I never can tell when I'm drunk until it's way, way too late. And the realization doesn't happen half the time. Usually I just do my best to keep the spins at bay and keep my voice under control. No one can tell I'm drunk. Not even me.

I live in a constant altered state. The waves and blips of levels of inebriation do not resonate.

I am running out of money and it's brought aboard my old friend panic. A familiar feeling of stress and anxiety and worry; I am almost comforted by the drama of it all. It's sick. I need to find a job. I will find a job.

God, sometimes I just hate myself! And everyone! I am so concerned always with what everyone else is doing or thinking. I want to know and control it all. But I can't and it eats away at me. I have therapy tonight, good thing. Weekly is working. Tonight will be my third visit and I hope so sincerely that she will see past my facade of wellness.

Time for work. Love love love you.
XO
sarah

Moving

Howdy. I've been holing up in my apartment in College town for the past two days, alternately binging and starving, smoking mucho verde, and just being lazy. Tomorrow is moving day. Today I started packing. Packing sucks, but like Mom says, "it's a good way to get organized." Organized, my ass. I'm perfectly organized. Losing all my possessions ensured that I'd never be weighed down by thousands of meaningless material items. I have what I need and what I want and I like it that way.

My tongue tastes gross and metallic-like. My stomach is in knots combined with super strong urges to go. Ahem. I'll admit I like that, I always feel thinner after a few minutes in the bathroom.

I know that I'm stressed about moving but something else is going on. J. has been completely ignoring me for a week now. Absolutely and completely. I've sent him a few messages over the days and gotten no response, whatsoever. Fuck him.

Good riddance, J. We're leaving this town but not together. I hope the memory of my face or a funny thing I said gives you hell.

I just stood up and smoked a cigarette. It did not help my stress at all. I stood there, smoking, panicking. It just took me so many tries to type that, my fingers are shaking like mad. Maybe I should eat something. LOL. Nah.

Oh you guys, can you just come pack my shit and move for me tomorrow? 

In other news, I've got 100 followers. Thanks. That's a nice even number for me to contemplate. You all are so sexy.

I'll get back to my shaking and packing and downloading music and smoking and pacing. Wish someone was here to give me a hug or a slap across the face.

Think thin.

Xo 

Sar

She's got chubby thighs and arms. Don't be like her. Be like her:

Skinny arms and legs win. Always.

At least moving burns calories.

Peace.

Crash

I binged this entire weekend. I'm a mess. C. and I are fighting because he asked me to hang out again and I said I don't know. I am so full from so much food. Help help help help help. I haven't showered since Friday. The presentation went okay but I was visibly shaking the whole time. I am stressed about the past, present, and future. C. was too easy to push away.

I won't give you today's calorie count, it's enough to make anyone vomit uncontrollably. Definitely over 2000. I hate myself, sitting here in my pajamas at 11:11 pm, my phone hasn't rang all day, I'm a loser, baby. So why don't you kill me?

I just watched a few movies today, actually just parts of movies. I am so easily distracted that I turn the channel with every commercial and inevitably end up missing parts.

I hate me, I hate this fat ass and this fat stomach and these tree trunk thighs. I am grotesque and undeserving of anything good. C. is a good guy who WAS genuinely into me, and I pushed him so far away I bet I'll never get him back. All because he asked me out to go get food. I'm so FUCKING AFRAID of eating in front of people I said no and he thinks it has something to do with him! Ha!

What a joke I am, what a joke my life has turned into. I am a sad sad soul, going nowhere, alone.

Think thin, please.

I am fasting tomorrow, obviously, to make up for my disgusting binging this weekend. I need to NOT hate myself so much, it just seems impossible.

That little whipper snapper

So Friday wasn't so good. Me and my bestie had a great time catching up and partying, but my night turned sour after I saw T. play guitar in his band. He was majestic. (Did I really just say that?) He is emotionally UNavailable and currently living with his girlfriend. I found this out at the bar when I asked his buddy if they were serious.

I was really drunk at this point. I started crying. Not extremely or obvious, but I was shedding real tears over that asshat.

Ha.

I'm pretty sure I acted a fool. All night. We even took a taxi home because I was such a drunken mess. I scarfed down half of an eggplant parmesan sub in my "glory". I passed out cold with all my jewelry on. I woke, feeling indifferent to the situation, and very very out of it. Drinking mass quantities sucks, and kills so many brain cells.
(In case you're wondering the sub was NOT good, it was greasy and gross and very very bad for me) (and you ... stay away)

Saturday was a day of recovery. I chilled out and smoked and ate some microwaved frozen foods. 

The next day was Sunday - my parents came to visit.

I'd like to just end it there but that's pointless. Their visit was just depressing. But hey I should be happy, right? I got a free dinner out of it, yay, that's what they're probably thinking though. Fuck that. I was hoping for some decent conversation or something. What I got was two very depressed people stuffed into my small studio apartment. My Dad turned on the tv before I could take off my shoes and watched football. My Mom sauntered around, looking through things and opening my fridge (wtf?) while making small talk and complimenting my mediocre interior decorating skills.

I feel sick just remembering it.

My Dad was in another world. He was there at dinner, eating, but not really there in the sense that I'd like. We could have chatted. I tried. I gave him a book for his belated birthday (which was a few days after mine, I just didn't see him) but he seemed less than thrilled about it. He gave it to my Mom to put in her purse.
He did not give me a birthday gift this year. Actually, as far back as I can remember my Dad has never specifically given me a gift from him. It was always this "joint endeavor" ... forever in my Mom's handwriting. Just like Christmas.

My relationship with my Dad reflects my relationships with most guys, most recently being T. I crave the attention of someone who does not need me. My Dad started this, by not giving me enough love and attention. I, in return, desperately did anything for his attention. It didn't work for my best interests; his response to my attempts was to get mad and ignore. Both then and now. So Little Miss Daddy Issues aka ME will do just about anything to get a guy, but it's always the guy who's so hard to reach.

Getting back to our evening...

My Aunt and her husband come out of nowhere. They were out on a drive along this route that goes for miles, from town to town and remembered that my parents were visiting me. We were in the middle of dinner and my Mom's phone rang. She answered, of course. Why wouldn't she answer her cell phone in the middle of dinner? They came to visit me in my freaking college town and neither of them wanted to be there and it sucks and it hurts but getting back to my POINT.

My Aunt, Mom, and I ended up talking a walk through this Spiritualist town located nearby. It was decent. I was aware of myself through new eyes, if that makes sense. They were acting so  ... girlish and naive. And there I was, Ms. Adventurous. Ms. Fearless. Ms. Tour Guide.

What the hell? What's with the switching up of the roles? Not that I believe in "roles" but you know? They are the saddest creatures I've seen, sadder than me, even. 

They are both (Mom & Aunt) in unhappy marriages. They're sisters. They never ever lived for themselves. It was straight into a Man's home after leaving the nest. Their nest was a dysfunctional, drunken one. But I don't have the fingers to go there. Mine are already aching from all this heavy handed typing. Heavy-hearted heated heathen, my grandfather was.

I must be feeling poetic today.

Oh. Now I remember why I began this post in the first place. My cat ~that muthafucka~ JUMPED on top of the Tv and knocked the cable box to the floor. It broke.

I rent. Do I contact my landlord or the cable company? Obviously I'll offer to pay for it but holy shit this reallllly sucks and I am not going to do a damn thing about it until later in the week. Shit. Maybe I should email my landlord tonight. 

I'm screwed.

I'm sick of it all.

I need to go take another walk. That was relaxing yesterday. I walked a couple miles yesterday and it really felt good. I am getting high again. I can't blog now. I can't live.

Think thin

I am not okay.

Things are far from wonderful. I am sick now. Little food and sleep will eventually do that. I have a headache from crying endless tears.

T. is driving me crazy (surprise, surprise).

I don't even know what to say right now. Everything is a mess. School might just kill me. I have a paper due on Friday that I have not started. All my teachers just expect me to be fine, well I am not. I am alive, sure. But not fine.

Today I ate: cottage cheese with mixed berries. vegetable soup. 2 slices of wheat bread (80 cal each) dipped in the soup. an apple. an orange.
Total cals? About 750?? That's a guess..

That's it, and I feel huge. I hate food. I did some walking today, some yoga yesterday. Ha, yesterday was 4/20 and I smoked lots.

Then I started feeling sick, and here I am. Feeling sick, feeling tired. Feeling unloved. Feeling unlucky.

I can only express myself in certain ways. The rage inside is too much, at times, and I do believe it scares people.

Ughhh I just want to die, or melt away, or disappear, or SOMETHING.
PLEASE MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!

All I am doing is complaining, you probably hate me.

I hate me.

I hate everything right now. The only thing that sounds even remotely good is smoking some weed and going to fucking bed. I am hopeless. My life is hopeless.

Where did my enthusiasm go? Where is my ambition and will to live?

Gone. It's all fucking gone, because I got myself too hooked on T. again and he is aware and pushing me the fuck away. This happens a lot. I hate me, did I already say that?

I look so ugly right now: puffy, red eyes from crying and napping with my contacts in. fat face. bloated but hungry belly.

Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

Please.

Maybe Ana will.


because, as always, I am thinkin' thin. So should you!

I am really disappointed in myself for eating today.

I got my mind set on this.

I can't stop listening to George Harrison. I am living for and longing for my memories and my old self. I had it all, seemingly. But we never appreciate things when we have them, do we? We (I) wait until they're GONE, and then it's like, oh man, wish I still had that.

My eyes are tearing up. I have been talking daily to B, my ex boyfriend. Him and I went through it all. He is the only guy I ever tried to hit/beat the shit out of. It is a horrible memory, the thing is I was so drunk the memory is in pieces, but he remembers, and therefore, hesitates. And so do I.

I just never know with me. I know that I like to *like* someone. It is true, I enjoy crushing. Since T. is history it is quite typical of me to throw myself at someone else. But my ex?? The one person who can bring out my very best and my scary, dark, absolute worst?


Life makes zero sense.
I woke up three hours ago, from a mid-day nap, and now it is 11:15 pm. I had hopes of doing homework, since tomorrow is my first day back to college. But I am too keyed up to do anything but listen to music and type and text B. and think about smoking up and a million other things.
Oh procrastination, you haven't killed me yet. But maybe tonight.

I love music!!!!!!!!!

Wondering what I ate today? So am I. Why don't I refer to my Ipod's Lose it application, and tell ya!
(I'm about to hate myself)

Breakfast~ 2 packets of oatmeal, with honey & cinnamon.
Lunch~ nada
Dinner~microwaved "baked" potato, with shredded cheese and garlic powder, I couldn't finish it..it was so plain/dry without butter or salsa. bag of organic microwaved popcorn (gasp!). string cheese. apple.
Snacks~JELLY BEANS (I am so fucking addicted ugh DIE easter bunny and your tempting confections!!)

Well, could be worse.
Have I mentioned my severe candy addiction? IT IS OUT OF CONTROL. Time for jumping jacks! Ready? You do some too!! Put on a tune! Here I go : )

I did 50. Pathetic. I just can't fucking focus right now on what is important.
In case you wondered what is important...it is BEING THIN!!!!!!!!

You know what my problem is? I am too damn self-conscious. I am worried what my downstairs neighbor (the one I chill with, she lives directly underneath) will think.
Omg. So I just did 50 more, and sure enough, there goes my phone! She texted me saying "are you doing jumping jacks? lol"

hahaha Yes. Yes I am.

Last night I was in her apartment, smoking. Her sister was there and they had snacks (cookies and white cheddar popcorn); they kept offering!!!! I said no and stuck to my no. I sometimes wonder if she knows about my *ways*. Well whatever, it's not like I'm too thin. Lol.
My BMI is 20.1

Looonnggggg ways to go.

Think thin, people.

Still here.

I'm fucking losing it. I think I just had a nervous breakdown. This happens a lot. My body tenses up, I throw something across the room, I slam my hand down on a surface, as hard as possible. I cry. I scream, "God dammit all". I yell at my cat.
I look in the mirror, which fuels my hatred.

I removed T. from my facebook friends. I officially fucking hate that prick. I am miserable. I have been played with. Mentally, I am a mess. Physically, I am a slob. I have school and work today. My apartment is a mess. My banking system is ridiculously inconveniencing. My cat drives me INSANE. My lamp is broken. My heart is mangled. Everything about my life is wrong. Everything about me is flawed.

My neighbors probably think I am nuts. I am nuts. I am losing it.

Here is an interesting correlation: The week I met T. is the week I stopped taking my meds (in October!). It's been downhill from there.

Oh how I hate life. Oh how I hate myself. I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate ME AND MY STUPID LIFE.

Well I did a load of laundry last night. Yay for me. At least my lazy fucking ass did something good.

I am sure you are sick of reading about T. and maybe even thinking to yourself, "dumb sar, doesn't she see that he hates her?" ...well too bad. I need to talk about it, if only briefly.

HE FUCKED WITH MY HEAD SO FUCKING MUCH. OMG. OMG. OMG.
Like asking me to hang out then changing his mind, he's too busy, it's late, he's not sure.

Which of his friends should I fuck? I seriously hate him for making me feel this way and I want to HURT him. I want to HURT myself.

Oh god. Help me.

I am a horrible person. I lie, I steal, I cheat. I don't do simple homework assignments because I'd rather get high. I am going to hell. I think terrible thoughts. I am going to hell. God probably hates me.
Omg. Help me. helpmehelphelpme.

As I sit here typing, I am smoking more pot. I am feeling ugly inside and out.
At least I didn't binge last night.
At least ...what? How can I think happy thoughts when I can't find any? This week has been traumatizing. Last week was equally crazy. I thought 2010 was going to be a good year. Everything is wack.
Everything is unstable, including me.
I don't know what I'm about to do. I am out of control. When I drink I drink so much I black out. When I smoke I smoke all day to forget. To say, fuck it. Fuck the world.

I watched a sad movie about bulimia, "Sharing the Secret". I actually recommend it as thinspo. The main girl was beautifully thin. It's on youtube, in parts...check it out.

Ok today: class.class. lunch with K. (ugh, I might cancel). nap. (hopefully). work. sleep.
Yawn.

My heart hurts. It does. You can't make that up. It either hurts or feels normal. Just like with T, he either likes me or hates me, and he definitely doesn't like me. Maybe he likes men. I conclude that he hates me.

I'm sorry if you feel a little worse after reading these depressing words. I am dying here. I just want to reach out and touch you. I want my ears to stop ringing. I want to get a good night's sleep, without waking up a million times or hearing voices or feeling cold and lonely. I want to be loved. I want my dad to call me once in awhile. I want to have time to call my sister and brothers. Where did my time go? Where did I go? Sar? Helllooooo?????


Think thin. Always.
It is much better to feel satisfyingly skinny.
Thin is in forever.

Drama-Queen.

I'm so fucking tense right now, I can't even breathe right. My shaky hands won't work correctly. I can't type, comb my hair, plug my phone charger in without dropping combs and chargers and just being a huge klutz.

I hate life right now.
My fucking cat, omg, does this all the time. I have a cup of water (always) and he jumps up and knocks it over. It has happened countless times. I never seem to learn. So this morning I was sitting in front of my laptop in a groggy state, and he did it AGAIN and spilled water all the fuck over my lap top, cell phone, desk, notebooks and folders...omg. omg. omg. I screamed, "god dammit" and "fuck you cat" but those curse words mean nothing to him. He doesn't know what he did wrong. I'm the big dummy who hasn't learned.

To make matters worse :SIGH: I just sent the nastiest message to T. Here's why...we talked all weekend, I thought things were gravy. He asked me to hang out last night once he got back in town. Never called. Apparently his car ran out of gas. He always has an excuse or reason as to why he hasn't come though.

A few hours later:

I went to class. I saw T. twice (of fucking course, I never see him on campus, today I would, of course). I am home now. We are exchanging angry texts. I am sick over this. Sick and tired.

Last night I binged hardcore. I ordered a white pizza (with broccoli, tomato, onion)...I ate 5 slices last night and 1 today. 6 slices in less than 24 hours...that is not normal/healthy.
I hate myself right now.

I can't type this. There is so much to save but I just want to hit "publish post" and move the fuck on. Next up for me? Going to campus to tell my teacher that I don't have the paper due today from last semesters incomplete in his class. Shit. Dreading this. Wish me luck. (That will make 2 F's for last semester). Yikes.

Stay strong. I'm not though. So I shouldn't be a hypocrite. Alright, just, have a good one. Peace.

Poof & disappear.

It's all so complex now.
I am at my parent's house and just binged on: (2)pieces of toast with I can't believe it's not butter spread. 2 nature valley crunchy granola bars (1 package). a couple pieces of chocolate. Earlier? doritos. Whatta pig. Kill me. Please.
I can't do anything right. I am at battle with the queen bee, that bitch, fuck you mia.

I am so fucking fat and not fit and a failure and a freak and fuck you Sar die die die.

T. is out of reach, I feel.
I am having weird pains throughout my body.
I am a bad influence on everyone around me.
I can't control anything, let alone myself.
I can't even be around food without wanting it when I feel like this.

((Like.This.))

hatehatehatehatehatehatefatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat

I went shopping with my mom today, for clothes. OH GOD. Size 9 fucking skinny jeans KILL ME NOW. They fit comfortably. 7 was tight and I was feeling full and not prepared to buy them. I fucking should have. Talk about a reason to lose. B/c obvious my current reasons AREN'T FUCKING WORKING!!!!!!

It is 2:10 am. I am leaving my parent's house to go smoke pot with a friend. I need a cigarette so bad. Can't wait to light one up.

Peace, everyone. Hope you're doing better than me.

Think thin.

SaD.

I lied. Lie lying liar. Lying lies/lying eyes/fat thighs/no fries/hateHATEhate.

I don't know where I am. I am in a freakin' bubble. I hate this life so much right now, rage is ravenous in me, my heart is aching, like I can actually feel pain real pain in my heart. Poor, beating, blood-thirsty zombie of a heart. Die.

Or don't. I could try facing life. I could try being fucking proactive for once. Oh wait, that's right, when I have no marijuana I am proactive about obtaining some, what an ambitious winner I am, what a jolly holiday. What a world. What a life. What the fuck.

This person. Me. . . <-- who?? no! never!

This person is a big, fat, faker.

I don't even know who I like. Half of me thinks that I am using T. to fill some sort of void. God, I hope I am not doing that..how could I not know? I should know what is going on inside of me...I should know what to fucking do.

Problem/scary thing? I smoke up and forget.

I hate myself right now, outside and inside. I wish for nothing. I deserve nothing.

Memory motel.

"I'm so fucking depressed- I just can't seem to get out of this slump" -Eminem

This day that was supposed to be good and purposeful has fallen to shit. I am a pathetic waste of life and I hate myself. I was going to go home, and I told my mom, but I kept changing when. Well I woke up today and realized it was all out of the question. I couldn't make myself go out in the rain, couldn't make myself go answer the doctor's cheesy questions, couldn't make my life easier by depositing check in the bank..I am a fuck up, a failure, I hate hate hate hate hate myself. I should have just went. Why didn't I just fucking go? Oh because I wanted to take a nap. Because I got high. Because I am delusional, I thought I would shop today. Gawd// kill me now. PLease.
Sad memory time:
I remember the time him and I got in horrible, terrible, drunk, screaming fight. I remember him driving drunk, getting us lost; my voice was hoarse from crying and screeching but I was so scared he was going to break up with me/leave me that I finally shut up and helped him get us back to my parents house. That night turned even nastier. I remember banging my head against the car window, smashing my palms into the dash, into the side, into him...I wanted pain, NO, I wanted to be dead. My fists clenched, my legs moving in spasms, tears streaming down my fucked up face... I was crazy. He was crazy. I yelled, "kill me, just kill me, please, please just murder me, I want to be dead, I need to be killed, just do it, just do it, pleaseee..." Like I had something to prove, like I was tough, and not just the fucking psycho that I am.

End of memory..it fades to black..it hurts to go back. I am still alive and that is what hurts.

Make it all go away, make this stop. I don't want these heavy, blurry feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, repression. I am choking on my own lies now. I want this. I guess I just want to go fucking nuts and get locked up.

Sorry you guys, I just needed to vent. I really, truly need some fucking valium..or help..or something. I don't know what, but I need it soon before I jump.