Life update

It's been awhile. I have been purposely ignoring this blog and not writing because writing means deal with it, face it, look into myself and try to come back to the surface without tripping over my troubles. The thing is, I edited this four page letter to the attorney general from my boss today at work and it made me remember that I like writing. So I'm here because I want to be.

A lot has changed, of course. My guilt and regret about the abortion remain current. Yes, regret, as unbelievable as that sounds. Me, with a baby? I am hardly coping with myself. That is, I smoke weed every day and have been chain smoking cigarettes. Barely eating. TRYING to eat more but just...can't. Don't want to.

D. and I broke up a few weeks ago but have spoken via text or phone every day since. Spoken for the most part meaning fight. We've met up a couple times for food and sex. What the hell kind of break up is this?

It hurts. I love him still, I carried his child that we chose not to keep. We shared a life-changing experience. How can I walk away? The truth is that I'm terrified of being without him. I don't want to be with anyone else having had an abortion. I'm not in therapy anymore but last time I was there I mentioned this and she said you can choose to tell the next guy or not, up to you. So either way I'm fucked! Keep it a secret, a lie...or tell them and potentially damage their view of me. With D. I don't have to worry about that.

With D. I don't have secrets. But, the fact remains that we are not together. I am single. And so not ready to mingle.

I moved about a month ago and it went well, really enjoying my new, nicer spot but feeling incredibly isolated. My two closest friends are in the city I just moved away from. I have friends around here but not across the street like how it was before. I've been having fun though. I went to a concert, had drinks, dinner, brunch, etc with friends in the past few weeks.

The drama with D. and dealing with the after effects of the abortion have been my main focus. Still bleeding off and on, cramps off and on, emotional as fuck. Intense and insane feelings for him. Last week in person we both admitted that we still love each other. We just fight so fucking much. We don't work, which sucks to think.

It's a complicated and confusing situation right now. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to function. There are things, serious things, that need to be done (still): my taxes and student loan stuff. I have been literally been putting them off for months! I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch in my pjs at 8pm like an old lady. Off for the next 3 days. Happy hour tomorrow, headed back to the city to grab some mail, and the bank. Saturday and Sunday are up in the air but hopefully I'll make the best of them. Tonight is me time. Me myself and I, single lady with her cat. Fml.

xo, thanks so much for reading, love to you all.
~S

ETA:
I realized today that I really like helping people by making them feel better, even if it's brief. A patient came in who lost his wife two months ago. He is an elderly man, at first gruff but with kindness. To watch him and his wife was so sweet, he would lead her by arm everywhere, they were an adorable old twosome. Anyway she passed and we just found out when he started coming back (he hadn't been in for a few months). Today I took extra time to talk with him and when I led him to a treatment room I pointed out the large and exquisite painting on the wall. He looked at it, noticed it's beauty and walked to it, touched it and said "I don't think I've ever noticed this before. It IS nice." It was such a cool moment, and I felt very present. I also felt like I had helped him in my own way, by pointing out a little beauty to allow him to become present too, and maybe for an instant not feel intense grief.

If you wonder where the self resides...

I binge but purging scares the hell outta me. I've done it and it's creepy how it becomes this daily occurrence, this need, and before long it becomes automatic. I've managed to overcome it, but it's nuts how I think about it still. Like last night's Ben and Jerry's disaster. It must have been in the air, I read in another blog about it. I ate an entire pint (except for the very melted bottom) of Phish Food. Shiit. For real though, it was too sweet. And luckily I had barely ate before that, so the damage was minimal, but I really wanted to throw it up.
And I knew it would be easy. Ice cream comes up fast. My stomach was ready to barf, my throat was watering...but I refused. I hate the feeling, it is so...unnatural. I hate standing there, focusing only on puke, feeling like a fucked up failure, feeling like death.

Regardless, I am glad it didn't happen but seriously wish I didn't ingest those evil calories. Who thought of selling ice cream by the pint anyways???/ JEez, it's obesity in a carton.

Today, I ate a salad. No dressing, just a spoonful of hummus (which I mixed in). It was delicious and filling. I have been eating wayyy too much sugar this past week, but it is my time of the month. I look back on Lose It and see the pattern. When my emotions get all wacked out so does my control and eating.
Lame. Thanks, Mother Nature.

So I never wrote that paper. Didn't go to class at all yesterday. In my head I gave up. But my heart knows it needs to be done by Monday. Too bad I have not even started it. Too bad I just invited B. (ex-bf) down to my college town for a night of partying. Lol. Typical Sar.
We're going to get drunk. And high. I can't wait...I just want company. I am so freakin' alone and if I'm going to keep procrastinating than I need someone around to distract me.

T. and I are over.

I broke down and called a counselor yesterday (yesterday was a bad, emotional day) and they couldn't get me an appointment for three fucking weeks...so I said screw it. Actually I said, "Ok..." with tears in my voice and the lady asked if I was having a crisis. Fuck yes I'm having a crisis, I bit the bullet and called did I not? And yet I found myself saying no and meaning it. I would just have to get through the day on my own. And I did, somehow.
This is what I did: Smoked, Rented A Movie, Got Ben & Jerry's (evil bastards), ate it, watched half of "Julia & Julie", went to bed, slept like shit, had a nightmare about T. and me beating some chick up, woke up to my cat running all ape shit, put him in the bathroom, went back to bed and woke up alone, like I always do.
Self-medicate.
It works, briefly. Today has been better. I took 2 boxes of recycling back and picked up a presription (b.c.) (no sex though wtf). Doing little things like that seems to help my mind out.

It is 5:22 pm and I am high. I need to vaccuum. And shower. And clean up/put clothes away/do dishes/hide scale/clean bathroom. He will be here at 9. I have time. I did want to watch the rest of the movie. I think I might.

I like blogging. Is there anything you want me to write about?

Stay skinny. Think thin.

xo~Sar

Old flames reappear once in awhile.

I am so incredibly touched, thank you so much for the sweet and supportive comments. Coming home from work to see not one but five! comments was truly a good feeling.

Then I talked to ex-bf B. on the phone for about an hour. That was unexpected. We were together on and off in 2008 and the first 2 months of 2009. When we parted ways we cut off communication entirely. We are just now (after almost one year) able to be friendly and not resentful. He lives about an hour away.

I think I'm going to go there. In an hour. Haha.

I am all over the place. I am totally into T. still but kind of want to have some fun. I am not saying we will mess around. No, it's not like that. We will just smoke, and talk, and maybe watch some sports (his pick) or a movie/American Idol (my pick). Lame? Maybe, but I feel at ease when I talk to him. He makes me laugh and feel slightly better about life. It is a quality I've always liked in him, I just never truly appreciated it. We are a little older now. A tad (?) wiser. And maybe now we can be friends.

Anyways. Last night was a disaster, I ate and ate. I am feeling quite bloated. I always think, "it's healthy stuff," but that is bullshit. It is stuff ... it is disgusting stuff.

At work I had a few coffees (black, obviously *0* cal) and was moving around a lot, training. It went well. The girl was short and average-sized I guess. Slightly bigger waist than mine. But I'm a bad judge, so don't take my word for it.
Who am I kidding? I felt quite large; I am about a foot taller than her. Oh well. Whatever. Just have to do it again tomorrow.
I am fasting.
No food yet.
No food at all.
I hate food.
Eating makes me feel worse than not eating.

I've got about $100 US in my bank. I am a broke ass. Wanting to buy more pot. What the fuck is wrong with me. I just smoked and now I feel like my spine is dripping down into my ass and I am slowly sinking with it.

empty is strong [<==I love this]

I am now unsure about going to B.'s. What if it's weird? Well I never got anywhere by not going...anywhere. Ok. I will go. Only because being gone for this span of time will be good for the fast. Being around people is a food deterrent, at least for me.

Thanks again for the support. Reading those comments was like a breath of fresh air!

think thin.

xoSar