Prisoner

March is almost over. April 5th will be one year since the fire. What has changed in my life? How is my body looking today compared to one year ago?

The answers lie within. Hidden and blocked. My body is a testament to my strength and discipline. It will be a lifelong endeavor, keeping this up.

It's my mission and I won't fail.

And yet. I feel strongly that my capabilities are limited. I rarely believe I can do it. Oddly enough, I fear failure so I fear success. Because what comes after riches and many monetary accompaniments? Emptiness. Withdrawal. Non-committal perspective.

I long to be fulfilled but sometimes I confuse myself with the desire to eat, as if food will do anything other than make me sick. 

I wish I had more confidence. I can fake it, but it's not real and true.

It's a falsity! It's a lie! It's a mirror mask, and you are me! We all die inside, knowing that we're all the same. Striving for identity has become this all-consuming task. 

I'm done. 

I refuse to feel sorry for poor little me. I am privileged. I feel like a prisoner.

A job does not equal a person. I am not my (proverbial) job. I am not my lack thereof. I am SAR, dammit, and I need to not care what you think.

I feel this crazy pressure from my parents to work. I tell people I'm unemployed with a heavy shame to my voice. I think of myself as less. I question my tactics...I bought "What color is your parachute?" and read one chapter. I fail at failing.

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Deep breath. 

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I met a man. He is K.

K. is nice, tall, works, and has a car. This is what I know after two (kind of long) phone conversations. He actually called, like an old-fashioned gentleman (gasp!), and we chatted. It was nice.

We will get coffee this week. I don't know how I feel about breaking my no-dating-until-a-job rule. Actually, I break rules every day so why would I even concern myself with such nonsense?

Hope everyone is staying strong. I was given the Versatile Blogger Award. For now, I'll refer you back to 10 Things About Me. You know I prefer a little anonymity.

Think thin. Always.

I want this body.

I can have it.

So can you.

So we will.

Xo Sar

Right on

Tonight is the night, everything's gonna be alright! Just shaking in my shoes over here. Partly from lack of food, mostly because me and J. are going to watch that movie tonight! At his place haha thank the good lord. I wasn't ready for him to come here, although I did clean. He is apparently dog-sitting whatever the fuck that means who cares I'm going there. Yay! What should I wear? I'm sorry, I'm treating you like a real close friend because (1) you are and (2) I need to talk/type to someone!

But oops! I was going to have dinner with my friend K. but sorryyy I don't eat dinner today so we'll have to catch up another time :) She (understandably) is ignoring my texts now but oh well K. don't you see I'm on a mission to thin? 

My head is splitting, I'm quite hungry. Today: apple. yogurt. 

:) :)

That be it, yo.

It's five at night! So I'll maybe have a little oatmeal or another apple or something before I go there so my stomach doesn't growl when we're sitting close. But I'd declare today a good day, intake wise. 

I had a counseling session today. *sighs*

It's draining. I never talk about my e.d. There's too much other ground to cover.

Subject change*

J. J. J.

Omg. Ohhh Emmmm Geeeee!

Nah, it's cool. I'm feeling ghetto today. I'm losing it, I am doing laundry and smoking a little right now. I want to lie down and just chill but I'll wait until I'm laying in J.'s arms. If I lay in his arms. Maybe it'll be awkward. Maybe it'll feel all wrong. Oh, I could drive myself crazy with every little worry and what-if. 

I bought a sweet tapestry for my wall. It. Looks. Sick!

Gotta love turquoise.

Gotta live this flying high feeling of thinness.

Stay strong*

xo~Sar

Procrastinating...

I fasted yesterday. It was quite unexpected ... and it really made me proud. Today? It's been good. I freaked out a little around some chips, but my stomach is empty now and it was empty before the chips so whatever.

I am experiencing hardcore writer's block right now. The other day I mentioned that ONE little project that is standing in my way. As soon as it's done, which it will be, tonight, AS SOON AS IT'S DONE, I'm done, muthafuckers!
With my summer class, that is. I just need to do it. Omg. I am slacking but I think my brain just wants food because it's all I can think of. Well hell no, brain! I was at 135 today, which is an improvement over the beginning of the week, but I won't feel better until I hit 130. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I need to stay strong.

I didn't even shower today. HOURS have been dedicated to this stupid project and yet I'm still staring at a blank page. Oh man. So here's the plan. I'm going to take a little drive to the video store, to return this video. Should I puff a little on the road? Yes, I think I might. Maybe it'll help.
I mean, this project isn't *technically* due until tomorrow, but I reallllllyyy hoped to get it done by tonight, just to get this fucking stress off my back.

Sigh.

I bought some clothes yesterday. A new bikini (that was fun, NOT), some jeans, some shorts, a tank top, an awesome dress, and some purple tights :)

The essentials, ya know. I do love shopping. It makes me feel good! Dang, there's that feeling in my stomach again, I guess that laxie tea really helps out.

Peace !

Think thin !!

Eat, run, puke...

Enough said.

I'm in a danger zone. I hate puking but I hate the way food sits in my stomach. Today I woke up and had breakfast/lunch (you decide, it was 2 pm) (some veggie lasagna [290 cal], watermelon [50], some organic blue corn chips with melted cheese [350] - gross, fat pig, disgusting trainwreck, obese tub of lard), walked and ran on my parent's treadmill for about twenty minutes [burnt exactly 200 calories then quit-I'm out of shape], and lastly, calmly walked to the bathroom and stuck my fingers down my throat and threw up red watermelon and maybe some lasagna. God damn I'm fucking losing it.

And so that's it. I like puking because it hurts my throat and my stomach and now I won't dare eat anything else. What I think I'll do is shower and go shopping. This should keep me occupied to approximately nine tonight, when I'll come back home and read.

I liked hitting up the treadmill today, now that I know how easy it is to use I will be accessing it daily. I just watched music videos and the time flew by, but I have smoker's lungs and I was practically dying...I kept it up as long as possible but luckily the commotion just made my stomach ready for purging.

Sorry this is so graphic. I'm a mess.

T. is officially "In a relationship with J." on Facebook. Remember T.? I'm sure you do...he's a bastard and I hope their sex life is SHIT and that SHE dumps HIM !!!

I'm so cold, such a cold-hearted bitch.

But not everyone thinks so. I even have an *admirer*...this dude J. who has been sending me sweet emails. Well whatever, it's flattering, even though I barely know him. He has good grammar and a nice way with words, which I obviously appreciate (English major/geeky me)...so we'll see...maybe I'll give him a chance, maybe I won't. Either way I clearly still want T.

Even more so now that he's taken.

I'm sure you can relate to that.

Think thin.

Here's another pic of me, taken at the same time as the other one I posted:

Stay skinny, lovelies...

xo~Sar

My tortured eyes.

I've been depressed for weeks, months, years. After awhile I got used to it: faking smiles, isolation, pain. After awhile I forgot what I used to be like. I forgot how to feel joy. "Happiness" became associated with physical closeness (sex & relationships), altered states (drugs, drinking, cigarettes, caffeine), and of course, food (eating, reading about, talking about, looking at recipe books...another kind of high).
Those things don't bring happiness though, not real and true contentment.
I have this strange urge to be in a serious relationship.
It scares and sickens me. Mostly because deep down I know that I am not ready. I am afraid of commitment and have deeply rooted fears of abandonment.

Enough about that sad stuff. I really couldn't stay on topic if my life depended on it.
I have a paper due tomorrow morning at eleven. It is 7:45 pm. I have not started. Shit. Why do I always put myself in this position? I procrastinate hardcore, it's a terrible habit, among many.
As I type I am eating sour gummy candy. Oh, have I hit rock bottom? Definitely yes. Things with T. are over, I know it. It's getting bad. It's honestly just a terrible shame that we hooked up, because I left part of my heart in his hands.

I know he sounds like a total flake but the weird thing is I feel all butterfly-ish when I'm near him or face to face. I need to get past that though. It is a total crock of shit. There are no fairy tales. He just texted me this: "idk about us".

Fuck. Well like I said, that's over. The hardest part is pushing him out of my mind. He tends to linger in my thoughts like my hand in the proverbial cookie jar.

I went to see my teacher earlier and the entire time there were tears in my eyes. I was shaky and my voice was husky. I was a mess; I tried real hard to keep my cool. He now obviously thinks I am a nutso basketcase. I need to write this freakin' paper and turn it in. What the fuck is my problem?????


Think thin, because it's everything.