Tex

Where do I even start?

I just got back from San Antonio, Texas for a sweet business trip. Had my own hotel room and the opportunity to learn a lot, it was great. What I've always wanted.

D. and I ended up making it a "break". If break means talking every day all day. We haven't seen each other in over a week, since before my trip. He is making it pretty clear that he would like to see me. I am undecided. I am indifferent.

Things were messed up between us but the space hasn't exactly helped. I am open to seeing him but nervous that I'll mess up hardcore and hurt him.

I am doing ok. As ok as could be. Work is going well. Had fun in another state. I've kept the weight off, give or take a pound. Haven't weighed. Going to wait a couple weeks to weigh again, to make sure I'm maintaining.

I gave in and bought some pot. Blazing and being lazy tonight. Have a good one.

~Sar

Hey, hey, what do you say?

I've been working my ASS off. Have never worked this much in my life. Also, I've been meeting a lot of men. This weekend alone I have had four guys ask me to hang out. I chose to hang with two of them, one on Friday, one last night. Needless to say, the extra attention makes this gal feel pretty damn good. No sex yet, but I could've easily got laid either night. I'm not willing to let anyone "in" just yet. Be sure to update if that happens, I know you guys like juicy details.

It must be true what they say about how keeping busy/doing "you"/not dwelling on men is the key to attracting several of them at once.

It is worth noting that last night I kissed this guy, we shall call him B. aaaand we work together. I will see him this afternoon. Hopefully it won't be awkward, but I was drinking rum on the rocks at his place and we smoked a blunt so I was feeling bold. I said, "if this continues being cool and you're not a total dick, maybe we can hook up at work, a fantasy of mine"...

Did I really say that last night? Yes, yes I did. Oh Sar.

I've got to hop in the shower and chug this coffee. Working a double today. Again tomorrow. And then it's Christmas. Still have to shop for my family. I will be a Christmas Eve shopper this year (again). Oh well, could be worse. #FirstWorldProblems.

Love ya'll.

XO
Sar

My life has more in store

It's been two years. A long time, really...since the fire. The fucking stupid fire that put me at a crossroads that I've resented ever since. Today is the "anniversary". It's also just another day. I'm getting ready for work.

It's funny how work becomes your life. Day in, day out with the same people, doing the same things. Sometimes on the weekend I panic due to lack of routine. I'm off tomorrow (for Easter) and while I'm happy about it, I'm also wondering WTF am I going to do? Oh yeah, my taxes. I've been putting them off and the due date grows ever closer.

My stomach has felt sick for days. We found out that my Dad is definitely having an 8 hour surgery that will keep him in the hospital for up to 2 weeks. I'm pretty worried about him. I'm sick of stress.

Haven't seen ex J. in awhile, which is good and helping me get over him. Remember back in like December when I confided in you that I have a tiny workplace crush on a cute boy? Well I still do, and checking him out during the day is a wonderful distraction.

I really don't think he's "interested", I just think there is a small slight attraction. Whatever, it's fun.

The 10 pounds I lost after my breakup have mostly stayed off, but I've allowed myself to gain one or two this week (coinciding coincidentally with period week). Isn't that strange? I actually felt "too thin"...all my jeans were hanging off me and it looked bad! So right now I'm at 135 and I feel ok with it...for now. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to lose the weight, but I also like having an ass and boobs.

Have a peaceful day.
XO
~Sar

In need of fresh air

Ever hear of Gotye? I can't get enough right now.

So. Another day, another dollar. Last time I blogged I mentioned apprehension about going to work...well guess what I did? Called in. Sick. Like the liar that I am.

I had a day of shopping with a little binge on Mcdonalds french fries. I went back to work the next day refreshed. Saturday was our party, and I had a great time! My new size 6 cocktail dress was just a little baggy on me! It felt great and I looked incredibly beautiful. Haha conceited much? Ah well, tis my blog, my curse.

Me and J. are dating for realz. It's scary. My response to fear is restricting food and sleep. My throat is feeling a little sore but not from purging. It could be from the constant bowl smoking. Or maybe lack of rest and nutrition is finally catching up. Dammit.

I've been maintaining a lower weight. I'm pleased but exhausted. I keep chewing the inside of my cheeks and lips like an obsessive. I'm filled to the brim with anxiety over everything.

Time to shower and get ready for work.
This coffee isn't waking me up.
This weed is making me wacky.
Maybe I'll pop an "airborne".


Stay Strong Against Temptation.

&

Think Thin Always.

XO

Sar

Dream Lover

This week is flying by. Literally. Look, there it goes.

Like all the pink around here? I'm always considered myself a "girly-girl". I enjoy wearing dresses and skirts in the summer. I always wear jewelry and carry a purse. My style is "librarian chic" aka "trendsetting traditionalist". I love clothes, fashion, and makeup. It's all fun to me! Here's some pics of fit women in pretty outfits, to inspire you:

***

To work, I mostly wear cardigans in cheerful colors with tank tops and fitted jeans or when I'm feeling blue, black sweaters and dangly earrings three days in a row. I am the girl who sways her hips when she walks through the cafeteria, who smiles coolly and looks mad sometimes. I avoid eye contact with the office hotties...screw them, they can squirm. I do what I want, whenever I want, is what I said today, outside, smoking cigarettes with coworkers. With pride and a sense of superiority I haven't felt in awhile.

Things are ok. It's after one in the morning and I'm exhausted with a backache. I ate, unfortunately. At least I was hungry and not just stuffing my face because I'm sad. Which has certainly happened before and will probably happen again. Such is life with a fucked up mind.

Work is ok now that I've decided to start playing lovegames to pass the time. This dude J. is super hot and (5 years) older, but he has an "ex-wife" and a child. We haven't talked too much or really had a chance to sit down and get to know each other (how could we, at work?) and I feel something. I enjoy the thrilling eye chase. I look at him and then look away. He looks and I look back and past, at the clock or a person walking by. I feel his hot gaze on my cheek. I blush...and feel horny. A mid-work tryst is on my bucket list.

I'm also talking to C. still. We are hanging out again on Saturday...on a date type thing. We're going to the Botanical Gardens. I'm excited, this has been an ongoing flirtation for awhile with him. We actually met in College Town. He's interesting and good looking...we'll see how it goes though. We're just trying to hang out as friends with no romantic undertones. Apparently. Which works for me.

I've also been texting back and forth about random serious shit with P. My ex from forever ago/Prom Date. We literally didn't talk for 7 years and then met at the bar, friends again instantly.
I ain't a player I just crush a lot!

***

I'm. so fucking. full. Why did I eat tonight?
Hope you're all staying strong.
Think thin!

XO,
Sar

Dancing in the moonlight

Hello sexies. Tgif! I'm smoking a little and drinking some coffee. Work later. This week wasn't bad; it flew by. I skipped therapy because I'm definitely done for awhile. It's great to realize that I will go back if I need to. I'm not completely against it; it's just not for me at this time.

I've been talking to "R."...the guy I met last week at the airport. Lol. We've known each other for exactly one week but it actually feels a little longer. Dare I say something positive about this? We are hanging out for the "first" time tomorrow. I am excited. We've exchanged a great number of text messages. Every dang day. Damn my heart for beating like this. Texting is fun but it only goes so far. We'll see if he's as talkative in "real life". We are getting coffee, probably at Starbucks.

I was down a pound when I woke this morning. I've been restricting all week, trying to lose some weight. Why do I feel fat, then skinny, then average, then huge in the span of an hour? It's a roller coaster, and I want to get off! Drop me off at thin. It's where I want to be forever.

I've decided that my thighs are my biggest "problem" area. They are too big and soft. It's gross. Any foolproof methods for slimming down fatty thighs?

***

Too much time has passed, I took a break from writing this and sent one of my student loan lenders an angry, tangent-filled email.

I'm weird, but cool. I try to be myself. I'm trying to make it in this world. I'm eyeing the American dream and it seems within reach...if people would just cooperate! I want and need things to start working out for me.

*
I'm
ready
to
be
thinner
and
thinner
and
thin.
*

All week I've been shaking with hunger at work, until lunch at seven in the evening. At lunch I eat a "fiber one" granola bar, a piece of fruit, and a pepper jack cheese stick. And water. Sometimes black coffee. People have stopped staring and pointing it out, they just accept it and move on.

It's great when size medium shirts are way too baggy. That means I'm small, SMALL, SMALL!


Think thin today. Be strong-willed. Look temptation in the face and shake your head "no". It get's easier. The payoff is being bony.

XO
Sar

***

Have a great day! Smile! Be at Peace!

Going on vacation! + Birthday anxiety

This new Blogger layout is...interesting. Still getting used to it. Hopefully none of my old posts were deleted in the process. I feel so grateful to have had this blog over the last 3-4 years. It has documented my life in this strange, fragmented way. It's fun to look back but it's more important to look forward. Keep your eyes on the prize!

I'm feeling thin today. I'm sure that will change as soon as I start putting on clothes. There's something about loose pajama pants and a cami that makes my body look so cute.

Did I really just type that? I'm apparently feeling positive today, even though I already spilled coffee all over the counter which launched me into an OCD-powered frantic cleaning of everything in the vicinity with a sponge. Keeping the fucking sponge hot, wrung out, and "clean" was another thing in itself. I put that in quotes because I think nothing is ever perfectly clean. There will always be hidden germs and nearly invisible viruses and bacterium. They will be there forever because no human is capable of vanquishing them. It's sick.

Anyway.

My vacation (!) starts tonight after work. I am going to ask to use even more vacay hours and leave early, just for the hell of it. I mean I want to pack. Tomorrow I am kissing my routine goodbye and flying away on a big silver bird. I'm getting out of dodge for the weekend. It's exciting!

My birthday is Sunday. I'll be back from my little trip that night to have dinner with my 'rents and get drunk with my bff, the only one (out of my "close friends") who is actually going to be around to celebrate. Love her. Kinda pissed at the others. Two are going camping, one is going to a concert with some peeps. We always hang out on each other's birthdays so I'm definitely feeling slighted.

Work is going well enough. I'm thinking of ending therapy. I got two inches chopped off my hair on Tuesday. No one noticed.

I had a dream last night that everyone at work knew it was my birthday but it was also another girl's, so they sang to the both of us. But I was upset, because someone stole my salad and my Dad was there, being mean to me and making me cry. So I missed out on the cake and and ran outside to sit on a stoop; I felt a little sad but mostly angry. It was so weird. I woke up and it was like emerging from a battle.

I get it - it's a pretty easy dream to analyze. I realize that I am literally at war with myself, my body. I've been worried/stressing out at the idea of someone at work recognizing that my birthday is this weekend and what they may or may not do about it. Why do I dread my birthday? I've had some bad birthdays in the past and it's just not a day that I feel particularly good about. I'm another year older and the attention is (sort of, briefly) on me. I don't want to be the center of attention for long periods of time. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. At the same time, I have this intense desire to be noticed, admired, envied, cared for, loved, liked, etc. I am The Conflicted.

I should probably get in the shower and get ready for work. The sooner I get there, the sooner I leave! I am also off Monday due to Labor Day. Long weekend!

Think thin. Stay strong against temptations. Sugar has been my enemy lately, it's so addicting that I'm starting to see and feel my body's response to it. Knowledge is power. I'm working on convincing myself that I don't need another addiction, I'm already loaded down with vices. So I'm staying away, though it's going to be tough. I have two cakes staring me down this weekend. GD it.

"A very small slice for me please, I'm so full from dinner."

That'll work.

Peace, loves :)

XO Sar

Let's pretend that you're listening

***

Hello Monday! I've had the house to myself because my parents went away for their anniversary. You know what I did, right? Binged my little face off. Because no one was around to watch. Because I'm sick in the head. Because my eye has been twitching since Thursday and has not stopped! God damn stress and emotional eating and period eating has resulted in me seeing an incredibly high number on the scale. It needs to go back down, where it belongs, and that's all up to me.

Last night was just ridiculous, plain and simple. I won't even share the horrid details. It's in the past but the memory of my overindulgence lingers. I actually had the nerve to wake up hungry today. My stomach was grumbling and my body craved more, more, more! Thankfully I've been on the move and only had a pear. I'm not going to fast but I am going to restrict hardcore.

I'm currently smoking a bowl and waiting for my second load of laundry to dry so I can put it away and check another item off my list. It feels good to accomplish. If only I could accomplish thin. 

I can, though. I just have this weird mental block stopping me sometimes. When no one is around I fall back into old habits. A modified version though, because I really don't want to purge. Ever again. Which means that all the food I eat stays in. I pay the price for my gluttony by gaining.

I'm getting sick of my therapist. I've been going regularly since May and she's starting to annoy me with questions like, "When are you going to stop smoking?" and "When are you going to stop punishing yourself?" and "Why are you focusing on your flirtations with a married man when you're supposed to be concentrating on job training?"...I have no answers. I don't want to stop smoking (at this point). I have no clue when I'll stop punishing myself, but at least recognize that I am doing so. (Progress?). I focus on the married man because I am attracted to him and my eyes appreciate having someone to gaze at and my mind likes to imagine the torrid affair and myriad opportunities to fuck at work (it's a bucket list thing for me). I can't stop mirror-checking, I can't stop torturing myself; I can stop paying money to feel sometimes worse coming out of that office than I do when I walk in.

I'm doing ok though, I think. I'm going to work, I'm making money, I'm taking care of my cat and sometimes myself. I am making friends at work, I am hanging with my old friends every once in awhile. I have a trip coming up: I'm going to see my sis and nephew down South. Think I told you about it. I'm excited for that, I'm happy to know that I paid for my own plane ticket. I bought a new book last night and started reading it. It's good!

I'm still smoking weed everyday, I'm still smoking cigarettes at work, I'm still battling the depression...but I'm afloat. I'm doing this, I'm living.

Her thighs aren't perfect, but she's confident enough to stand in a bikini for the cameras. 

Let confidence carry you through your days. Fake it until you make it.

Believe that you can be strong! 

Believe that you can resist temptation!

Believe that you can be as thin as a model!

After you believe it, take action.

Eat less, avoid junk food, move around more...the results are in, you're fucking hot and stick thin.

Everyone desires you.

***

Pretty girls eating, but their smiles look forced.

***

Think thin today! 

XO

Sar

Live despite the madness imprisoning you

This lovely message was apparently taped to our family fridge sometime between last night and this morning.

I woke up and went to the fridge to refill my water and ice, saw this, and gagged.

Actually I didn't, I smiled inside while keeping a horrified expression on my face; I texted my mom, "this sign on the fridge is borderline offensive", and she responded with, "don't look at it, it's only for me".

No wonder I have so many issues.

***

So now I'm sitting here, sipping on iced coffee with no added sugar or cream, taking a couple small hits off my bowl, and blogging my little heart out. I haven't ate anything, so my stomach is churning in a odd way. Life is so fucking busy since I started this job. Tomorrow will be the end of my fifth week there. Where am I going? What the hell am I even doing?

I spend my days working, listening to music on my headphones, and daydreaming about the future and what I want and where I can possibly go. How do I figure it all out? 

I need to remember, I've accomplished step one. I've got a job. It's full time hours with tons of benefits offered. If I stay. Which I probably will, at least for now.

I enjoy getting a paycheck every week, I like seeing friends on the job, I relish the 3 breaks I get per day. I tell myself, inside my crazy head, "you're not stuck here". I seek a better, more fulfilling life. I try to remember, "wherever you go, there you are". If I can find peace within, I can do anything.

I've been losing weight. I'm down to 140 and I'm getting back into the 130's dammit, if it's the last thing I do. Eating less is key. I am not very physically active at the moment, but I can envision that changing. 

My bony wrists keep me motivated. I work with my hands and I try to incorporate as much movement into what I'm doing as possible. I sometimes just stare at my skinny arms. I often look down at the awesome space between my thighs. I am the thinnest out of my "work friends group". I imagine that they stare with envy at my jutting collarbones (showing more and more lately) during lunch (I always pull my hair back when I eat; the rest of the time it's down, my long hair usually hides my bones...I kind of like it that way. My collarbones are just such an obvious sign that I restrict. Or perhaps it's just obvious to me? What do you think?).

Listen to "The Only Living Boy In New York" by Simon and Garfunkel if you want to pretend we are chillen in the same room, burning one, being pals.

Dancing is my favorite "work out". Over the weekend at my friend's wedding, I danced so much. I heard 2 compliments, one that I am "light on my feet" (!) and one that I'm "very graceful". Go me!

I need to end this post, but I don't want to. It's nice just sitting here, pouring out pent up feelings to the anonymous world. 

The placebo effect of vitamins amazes me.

Think thin today. Be the thinnest at your work. Stay strong against temptation! The other day a woman was walking around with cupcakes from somebody's birthday and stopped my friend and I in the hallway at work. Did we want a blue frosted cupcake? My friend took one. I stayed strong and kept my mind focused on the end result. I refused the damn cupcake. Just like the three cakes in the break room over the past few weeks. I did not bother taking a slice or three. I didn't need it, but more importantly, I did not want it. I don't want all that extra sugar. I don't even like cake, honestly.

If I'm going to have sugar it's going to be on my terms. I'll eat if I buy it, if I make that choice. I'm trying not to make that choice though. Either way, I will not allow for an unplanned sweet sugar bomb. Because that stuff makes you fat.

And I won't be fat. Not ever. Fuck, I'd avoid having kids and just adopt if my situation ever came to that. Not that I have a romantic prospect. I was talking to this guy I met recently, but I haven't really heard from him. So I'm assuming he met someone else and I should probably do the same.

***

Peace, lovers.

Xo

Sar

Crazy + Black Swan pics

Finally Friday. This week has been long and exhausting. Work is getting the best of me. My various disorders and mental health issues are thriving. Today I ate a (small) brownie for breakfast. I am sipping coffee now, doing laundry. I have to shower in the next 20 minutes. And then leave. I don't wanna.

Wow, can I be any more ridiculous? I went so long without work, why am I complaining? Why do I hate this so much? It's an awkward job, it really is. I work with a bunch of dudes and they all talk and throw balls around and get away with murder, basically. I work my butt off while thinking depressed thoughts and growing slightly more miserable by the minute.

Lunchtime in the cafeteria is weird. A lot of people "order out" from pizza places and the like, daily. As in every day, 5 days a week, 20 days a month. Ew. Not me. I have brought my lunch every day except for one day where I was feeling fat so I didn't eat anything, just drank some diet pepsi. I definitely got a lot of stares. 

I bring fruit (always) and a sandwich (usually). Or a string cheese and granola bar. I try and hit up a few food groups, for energy. Water to drink. I TRY to eat slowly and normally. I TRY not to stare at other people's pizza and pasta and subs. I TRY not to hate myself for wanting to ask for a bite.

OK, 8 hours, Sar. 8 hours until the weekend. You can do it, you can! You got this! You can go back there, just get though today.

Pep talk, over.

I want another job. So much. So I need to start looking. There is an Olive Garden opening up here, anyone ever serve there?? How is it?

My Dad and I haven't talked in about a week, maybe more. This happens a lot: we get in a fight and ignore each other's presence for a reallllly long time after. Weeks, months....until my mom intervenes or one of us forgets about it. It's fucking stupid and it's no fucking wonder I seek approval and attention from men all the time. Daddy issues up the wazoo.

How do I change my personality?? I hate been so socially awkward and shy at work. I HATE IT! Please help, what can I do to change the way I am and the ways in which I interact with (semi) strangers??

Listen to Adele "Crazy For You". Can her voice be any more beautiful? Don't think so. I love her!

Ok hotties, I must end this. I would give anything to not have to work today but there really is no option there. I need to keep in mind that I got paid today, direct deposit style. Money is a decent motivator, but I am seriously not getting paid enough to sit through the torture that is my job.

Think thin today and everyday. I'm supposedly going to the beach tomorrow, *looks down at stomach*, gasp! Hopefully I don't look like a hippo. Well at least I'm thinner than some of my friends. What a pathetic existence I live.

I am holding steady at 142. I need to get out of the 140s, what the fuck is WRONG with ME??? Just end this freaking post Sar no one cares about your pity party. This is how I talk to myself, so nastily. I hate me. I'm trying not to but I really really do.

XO

p.s. I watched "Black Swan" again last night...I love Natalie Portman in that film, she is so thin, so goddamn thin. I want to be that thin. I want to look like that. I will. I FUCKING WILL!!!

***

Love her thin arms, shoulders, and chest

Those ribs stick out wonderfully

Thin, perfect

Fragile neck looks amazing

Gorgeous bony beauty

Tiniest waist ever

Collarbones and fearful eyes





***





Think thin. Be thin. Stay thin.

What's up?

Hey sexies, how's it hanging?

I just had a nice healthy breakfast consisting of strawberries, orange slices, and watermelon chunks. Then I had one whole wheat english muffin with peanut butter and some banana slices. I am sipping black coffee. I am about to hop in the shower to get ready for work.

Yes, work. It's going alright. I am midway though my second week. The people are nice. It's air-conditioned. I get my first paycheck TOMORROW! =)

I am sort of tan from camping last weekend. I am sort of thin from eating healthier and on schedule. Last night I was literally too tired to eat...THIS IS GOOD!

I am on second shift so it's different, but doable.

I haven't been blogging as much and I think I know why: I have a life now, lol. Things on this blog really picked up when I was away at college living my isolated existence. But now that I'm so busy it's harder for me to sit down and write/vent out my frustrations. Because I'm literally talking shit out. With friends, family, and my therapist. It is what is is. Doesn't mean I'm disappearing! I think I'll always blog, I really like it and I like the community here.

I'm still thinking thin!!!!!!!!!

I wore just a bikini top and denim skirt this past weekend, and felt good! I felt like I looked hot! Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, either way it didn't matter much because internally I felt great! Of course, I was boozin'...so that probably helped.

Bones bones bones are beautiful!

Yesterday at work some random guy showed me a picture he drew of Angelina Jolie's face...this led to a discussion of how hot she is. Believe it or not, he claims she is TOO THIN and better still, HE DOESN'T LIKE IT!!????!!??

Um?

I'll admit, I felt vindicated. Not everyone (men) like the stick thin look. Ha! Just goes to show, we're (maybe) doing this to look good in front of other women! Maybe we're all a little bi...

My toes on my left foot tingle, wtf? On that note, I'll end my spiel!

Hope you hotties are doing GREAT and please comment to let me know you're alive and still reading!!?? Maybe include a tip or two on how to interact with strangers in the workplace. I'm still feeling a little shy and my social anxiety disorder kicks in whenever I step though that door...

Thanks loves.

THINK THIN! PUT DOWN THAT COOKIE! SAY NO TO SWEETS!

<3
Sar

XO

ps. Someone asked me about my stats! I've posted them on this blog before but I'll give ya a glimpse...I am 5'8 and 24 years old. My cup size is D. My weight fluctuates between 136-144. GROSS, I know. But I can promise you that I don't look fat! I look average to thin. I've even put pics on here...so readers if you'd like to see than you should peruse the posts!

***

Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels.

***

Hunger Hurts But Starving Works.

***

So I passed my drug test and the job is MINE! I will not mess this up.

I've been seeing N.

He is friends with my ex and he lives about 35 minutes away, but he's cuddly and kind and he thinks I'm amazingly sexy. I am unsure how I feel, I am taking things day by day, minute by minute. I am attracted to him, a little. I am much more attracted to the mental stimulation he provides. He is incredibly smart.

My weight is still a constant source of terrified hysteria. I am never comfortable with myself. I'm always too big, too much. Too tall, too fat, too soft, too everything but too thin. I have a feeling I will never be too thin. I am ridiculously lazy and embarrassingly content with staying how I am, which is thin with a bit of curve.

Shit.

I'm hungry, it's 1:30 and I want to eat.
Instead I'll sip this ice water and continue to procrastinate the inevitable.

I can't wait to get on a routine with work. I'll be working second shift...any advice on getting through that time of day on barely any food?

Think thin, lovelies :-)

Xo
Sar

Ch-ch-changes

Things change, my friends.

Tonight I worked. With J. He started grilling me about everything that has "happened" over the past couple days in front of a fellow employee who was coming to relieve me, and it turned into an eye-opening conversation in the back room before I left. He opened up to me. He said that he was trying to push me away, because in the past he has been pushed away. Yeah, yeah, everyone has their shitty past, but what was he really trying to tell me? I can only guess, and my guess is that we are mutual in our adoration.

Don't judge me, you didn't see his vulnerability. He is amazing and I feel like I'm rolling hard on excstasy, hours later. I wasn't lying before, this guy really has quite the effect on me. The whole time I was working I was tense and trying to be so nonchalant, and we had one decent conversation towards the beginning, about football of all things. He is so serious and deep. He thinks I am always joking, and says he can't tell what's straight with me. The truth is, I do kid around a ton. I need to. It's my shield. I like the attention off me, and if other people are laughing, everything's cool. This is just how I am, mostly towards the opposite sex. It's me flirting.

So yes, I'm on a cloud. He started texting me nonstop as soon as I left, telling me to come back and kiss him, saying "want to smoke later?", letting me know his phone was dying. I hate to say it, but I knew all along this would happen. Things were too good between us for it to be over so quick!

I'm happy :) He is leaving October 29th and we're going to chill as much as possible before then.

Calorie-wise, today has been excellent. I got a comment saying that keeping busy burns calories and let me say YES it does! Moving around is good!

I am just sitting here, blasting music, smoking a little, rehashing every thing we both said earlier, and feeling great with a fluttery stomach and a hot heart. I heart J. I know it's early, but it's true. We are so meant for each other. Sure, I say this about every guy, but I know for sure that we met for a reason. I remember the exact moment I saw him for the first time. I was at work, looking for a younger girl who I had to train that day. It was right when I came back to work, and there were new faces. J.'s was one of them. That day, he stood behind the deli counter and I came rushing by and then when I turned around our eyes met. I blushed, and said "Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm just looking for Kayla because I'm training her today." He said, "Hi, I'm J." *Sighs*

OhLord. Save me now. At least the prospect of us is a great reason to restrict calories. Take care ya'll. I hope I can sleep tonight.

xo~Sar

Think thin*

You promise spring and still my lover won't return to me

Saturday. Finally. This long ass week ended and I'm glad. I've even got something to look forward to: my sister and my nephew are coming to visit next weekend. So I took off work and I'll be heading home for a night. Or two. We'll see how much I can tolerate.

Last night I met up with J. (hot guy I work with) after I closed at work. He texted me, asking if I'd want to meet for a drink or something. I thought long and hard about it. I was sweating, but I had brought deodorant and body spray to work with me in my bag. I had nothing to wear, only what I had on, which was a gray tank top under my work polo shirt. I don't usually wear tank tops due to my paranoia over flabby arms. However it just so happens that I did three sets of twenty arm lifts. So I said yeah, sure, meet me here.

He was standing outside, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, looking god-like. The first thing he said was obviously hey and then, very sincerely, you look like you've just had a long day. He is seriously psychic. I totally did have a long fucking day. We remained in tune the rest of the night. We were together for only like two and a half hours but it was pretty sweet. He is a total gentleman. He didn't even try to make a move, which surprised me and impressed me.

He knows what it's like getting hit on all the time, just like I do. So I suppose he respects or reckons that I'd like something a tad more untraditional. Or maybe ........

Ahh, I could keep going on, but I won't. I'm so sick of wondering and worrying about the future, which is UNKNOWN.
No, I don't want a relationship, No I don't believe this guy will fall in love with me, No I am not sure, I am scared and full of excuses and justifications and mind and heart altering moral dilemmas.

He is great though. I had a great time. At the end of the night T. showed up, girlfriend glued to his side with his electric guitar strapped to his back. We locked eyes, briefly.

It means nothing. I refuse to make a damn thing out of it! He lives with her. He loves her. I am independent, and this is good.
But T. obviously saw J. We all work together. And honestly, it's pretty fucked up of me to ALWAYS go after the hottest guy at work. It was T. before, but every one fucking knows that J. is way hotter than T., and he's hanging with me. Therefore I'm the work ho.

Fuck it all. I ain't no ho, yo.

But you don't give a shit about this. You are wondering how I am doing on my journey to thin. Well my answer is that I don't know how much I weigh, so I can't give you a number. Weighing is stupid. I'd rather go by how my clothes fit. That scale and the number chilling on it freak me out and I must stay far, far away.

I love how people love talking to me about diets, bloating, and the such. It's like, oh, there's a thin[ish] girl, let's make her uncomfortable by talking about bodies and food and fat and thin. Eff you bitches I do it my way, you should just start by saying no to second helpings.

I keep talking to myself, I am so out of it. I want to go do something to my hair, like highlights. I want to do it today, but something is holding me back. Maybe I don't want to spend the money? No, that's not it. I just don't want to leave my hair in the hands of an amateur.

I gotta go, I'm rambling and babbling but hanging with J. last night really gave me the chills. He is adorable but he's almost too gorgeous. I must find a flaw. No, maybe I musn't. Lmao I need coffee..


Think thin, PLEASE JUST THINK THIN TODAY!

<3~S.

5 hours later..

It is 6:45 in the morning and I have to be at work in twenty minutes. I purged roughly five hours ago, and I hoped I'd feel thinner. I weighed myself [bad idea] and the scale glowered at me: 133. Really?? I know that I can be down by the end of this day, especially after being on my feet at work, but jeez, what a way to start the day. I'm scared. I'm scared to be fat and so I must be thinner.
Purging is a bad lifestyle choice, I will not succumb to these ridiculous temptations. The only reason it happened last night is because I just ate wayyy too much, and I felt terrible.
I can't feel that way again.

Why did I buy those cookies?? Sooo stupid of me. Not to mention a waste of money. Ugh. I have no self-control sometimes, I make myself so mad.

I eat out of loneliness and desperation, a pathetic combo that will lead to NOTHING GOOD!

I hope you are all doing better than I am.

I am disappointed in myself now, because I feel like if I was going to purge, I should have done it right and puked until there was nothing else. I didn't though, because I am weak. I stopped when the pressure was relieved from my stomach and I SHOULD NOT HAVE. Maybe the scale would have read something different, something better, if I could have at least done one thing right last night. Ugh...



Think thin and Have a good day!!!

BLoOdy right !

It's noon and I'm smoking. I work at one-fifteen. Tonight I will see T. for one hour at work, I'll be seeing him for the first time in two weeks.
We have been texting everyday. A decent amount, especially in recent days. We've been sending pictures to each other, as well. Every time he texts me my heart jumps and lights up with glee. It could be a one word text, which it rarely is, and I still am thrilled that he took 20 seconds out of his day to text me. To think of me. Every time he send me a pic of his gorgeous self I immediately save it, and zoom in on his eyes, lol.

I am giddy at some moments, but will remain extremely cautious. If he thinks were jumping back into bed than he's crazy. I say this because there is a lot of sexual innuendo. From both of us, to be fair.
I have no clue what it will be like to be around him at work, alone, just the two of us. Only one hour. Then I leave. He stays. I have no plans for this evening and am really just hoping he says something to me before I leave work later, like "hey Sar want to hang out tonight?". Yeah, I would be real happy.

I am allowing myself a few more minutes to smoke and finish my tea and blog.
Then I will start getting ready super early. I have to be looking good (as good as I can look at work) (which isn't that good ha) because I want T. to notice me. I mean, notice. I have hope. But hope dangles. And hope fades real quick when things go the opposite way you'd like/expect them too. Which I am praying doesn't happen. I like him. I want us to keep being friends and texting, I've had many laughs these days because of him. I want him to liiiike me. You know. We'll see.

Nothing to eat today, obviously. I binged a little late last night, I should have just went to bed. Jelly beans *blushes* I know, I know, candy, what the fuck. But they were cheap and I really just wanted them so badly.

Think thin today.
I will be!

xo

oh Monday.

Hello. First, thank you kindly for your amazing comments. It does more good than you know. It is a spark in the dark cave my spirit resides in, a spark of flame, a growing light. Maybe I can sleep tonight.

I was called into work today. I knew T. was working tonight so I went in (plus I need the cash). I saw him briefly at the end of my shift, he looked sad. He could barely look at me. He was polite. There are so many unsaid words. Work is not the place to express them. He looked sad, did I say that already? Did I cause this pain? How can I make him smile? I can't anymore.
No tears in my eyes when our bodies were only feet away, just this awful pain in my heart.

My chest is still aching. I have been smoking nonstop, trying to numb myself, my feelings. Trying to slow down my actions.

I figured out why Tom and I kissed: I was craving a connection. He was there, T. was not. It's as simple as that. There was nothing stopping me. So I closed my eyes and jumped.
I made my decision to fuck up what trust T. had for me and now all I can do is learn to trust myself. That is what my mom said. She advised me to learn how to trust myself.

I can't.

I don't know how.

I can't trust myself around:
food
weed
cigarettes
men (apparently)

I can't even trust myself to take care of schoolwork.

Hell, I forget to water my plants. I forget how many times a day I feed my cat. 3? 4?

I have a lot of work to do.

Keeping with the theme, I texted Tom & asked if I could stop by tonight. He said yes. I am going there in 45 minutes. This is for green, but I am so nervous. I don't know how to act. I guess I have 45 minutes to figure out myself and act like her so maybe I have the chance of at least being this dude's friend. I don't want to lose anymore. I know, I will think of some topics of conversation. One time we started talking about cells, and cancer, and other scientific things. My mind was obviously blown but I was stoned so oh well.

I am all over the place. I love you readers though! Blogging is great.

Time to stand up and figure out what to wear. I am thinking this is going to be a short visit. I am listening to the Grateful Dead right now. fuck yeah man.

Peace.
Think THIN!!!!!