Illusive

I get tired of being so cold. I was laying in my bed late last night, alone, thinking how isolated I've felt. It occurred to me that I've made it this way. I've kept people out, refused to let them in.

Remember all the guys I mentioned in my last post? Well I've somewhat successfully pushed them away, squashed their budding interest, painted a bleak picture of me...and for what? To preserve the self? To maintain icy composure? To allude myself into thinking that I've got control? BECAUSE I DON'T.

Here's what I have: a jaded and bitter personality, a frown, a headache, heartache, and a sense of loss that is encompassing. I am worried about me. I am concerned that it is too late for me. What's next? How do I fix this?

I've been so concerned with appearing aloof, cool, nonchalant, serious, smart, and better than everyone. I fear that I have lost my goofy giddiness. I used to be the girl who smiled all the time. People would say, "you sure smile a lot!". People would smile back.

The bottomline is that I hate myself. Still. After everything - quitting so many jobs for "better" ones, writing until my hands hurt, talking it out with friends, hours and hours in therapy, the beginning of a repaired relationship with my parents, the birth of my nephew and the love that I feel for him, moving out and away from my hometown, ending toxic friendships, getting a cat...I could go on but NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING helps. Seemingly.

Perhaps I am making strides, albeit slow ones. I'm talking SLOW. And this is a huge perhaps.

The one guy I *was* talking to (we hung out four times) told me that I "love to play games" and that I am "too illusive for him to keep up with". That hurt. Is he right? What the hell am I doing??

It's the end of the year and I'm feeling contemplative as usual. What's sad is that if you go back and reread my last posts from Dec. 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, and 2008 (I've been blogging a long time), you'll see no change. Or if there is change it's BRIEF AS FUCK. I've been ending the year on a sad note forever.

Will I be ok? Will I improve? Will I find love? I am 27 years old. This is my golden age! What scares me the most is what if I meet the man of my dreams (and it's possible that I already have) but push him away? I don't want to die alone. I want love. I'm just so scared. Of everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I keep dreaming about schools. I'm considering teaching as a life path. It would be a big decision but I need to keep trying. Never give up. On love or life.

2014 will be a better year.
Maybe it will be *my* year.
And your year.

Thx for reading all this.

Love ya,
XO
~S

Expressing of the Self

I'm so mad. I went on two interviews last week for this job I applied for. I was supposed to have the final one today (damn 3-step interview process) but decided last night that I didn't want to (wahhh) and so when my alarm went off at 8:41 AM, I shut it off, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

Only to wake to my Mom yelling, "Sarah! Aren't you going?". In a sleepy daze I said "yup", got up, called, and canceled. It's called Self-Destruction, Mom. Don't care what you think so shut the phuck up.

I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate my body. I hate my family. I hate this weather. I hate this state. I hate myself and all of my choices and my experiences and I hate my addictions and my flaws and my weaknesses and my dependencies. I hate me. I hate Sar.

Also, my Dad does something that DRIVES. ME. CRAZY!!!!! We are lucky enough to have a recycling truck come through once a week, and I try to collect recyclables. I try to convince my Mom and brother to do it too. And so we do. And it sits in the blue box until Monday morning when my lazy, ignorant father takes the fucking box and dumps it in the garbage. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT!?

God, I'm in a terrible fucking mood. I want to cut myself. I want to punch myself in the head. I want to jump out of a high window. I want to jump out of a speeding car. I want to feel pain. I can't even pluck my eyebrows (my go-to method for eliminating internal anguish) because I am growing my brows out a little.
 DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So yup. I'm still jobless and this bad economy has sucked the life out of my town and the surrounding areas. I've been blowing through my savings like whoa. I got black-out drunk all weekend. I puked both days. I binged last week. Today I've ate some homemade sour cream dip with unsalted pretzels and I've been chugging coffee.

I still hate myself, but it feels a little better to vent this fucking rage on to these keys for your reading pleasure. Anyone have an job ideas?? Where are the jobs at?? Help, please!?

THINK THIN TODAY!!!!!!!

xO

-Sar-

((the coldest witch you "know"))

be thin

Unforgiving

I'm supposed to be packing, because it's a few days before Christmas and I am expected at home, but I'm not. I'm sitting here, smoking and listening to good music. I'm sipping some tea and making a list. No food yet, it's already after noon.

Looks like I won't be seeing J. until after Christmas. I'm not upset. OK, yes I am. Of course I am. This feels all too familiar though. I read some old posts from right around this time last year, and I was pining for T. like I am currently obsessing over J. However with J., it's like a detached attachment. Does that make sense? Maybe I am just using him as a distraction for my ever-changing thoughts. I am focusing on him instead of focusing on my future. It's like I'm willing to sit back, contentedly, while my (future) husband brings in the bacon mucho dinero.

Really Sar? A housewife? That's your ambitious plan? HA! What a joke I am.

To be perfectly honest I've been feeling pretty down on myself lately. You wouldn't think so, what with college coming to a close and whatnot, but I really just have experienced so much self-loathing as of late.

Today, my neck is killing me. I slept on it wrong, that's what happens. It's a reminder that my body is in fact aging. Sick.

ENOUGH NEGATIVITY, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!

This post sucks. I don't suck. Nope! Haven't sucked anything in almost a freakin' year. What is WRONG with me? The only action I get is in my dreams. I guess I just push every possibility away.

The farthest J. and I have gone is kiss. A little tiny bit of dirty texting, but nothing more. It just PROVES that he is not as attracted to me as I am to him. Disappointing! I must remember that I can't change people. I must also get thinner! Because who doesn't like a skinny girl?

I must say I was looking great over the weekend, nice and thin. Bony even. However I've been eating a little more the past day (yesterday only) because I am about to leave this place for almost a week & I didn't want the produce to go to waste. I can see where it shows is my point.

The only way to be as skinny as I want to be is to not eat. It's so fucked up but eating anything causes me bloat! Even veggies! It's soo weird.

I'll leave you on that note. Think thin. I'll probably be updating regularly once I'm home because there will be constant food temptation there. I just need to be smart.

Peace

&thinness

are my

ReligiOn.

Xo ~ Sar

:Title

Where were you this week? I DID fast the day of that last post, but no support, no comments, and I am pretty sure I eventually caved and ate something because I thought to myself, no one cares. Rightly so.

This has been the week from hell. On Monday, while I was working (with J.) a car fucking CRASHED into the building, leaving us all in shock. J. came over after work and we smoked a blunt and talked about the madness. On Tuesday, I bought a frozen pizza and ATE THE ENTIRE THING. On Thursday, I did the same thing...that is, bought ANOTHER frozen pizza, cooked it, and ATE THE ENTIRE THING IN ONE SITTING. Followed by laxatives, like a champ. Do you care to know the calories in one whole Freschetta Spinach and Mushroom pizza? 1230 calories. Times 2. (Yes I bought the same pizza twice). Plus all the other shit I ate this week? Luckily it was stretched over the days but bottom line, I NEEDED YOU and you were not here.

Story of my life.

Edit:
It's been three hours.
I did three loads of laundry. I ate one slice of toast with some peanut butter & banana slices [220] and drank some green tea. I have not showered but I have smoked. I was mad earlier, at myself, at "you", whoever that is; I am still angry, only just not so much. I spoke with my mom about various worries and anxieties (never food though, definitely don't talk about that with anyone) and it helped a little. We're all getting ready for a HUGE family get together.

Edit:
I just need to finish this post. It is now a *day* later. I am sitting here again, smoking, and about to take a shower before I go to work. I have not smoked a cigarette since Thursday. That's a good thing. I am craving one, but I really can't afford them and should not buy them.

Just now I stood up and walked around for a minute. I'm losing it. I have no attention span, and something is going on with my keyboard, or maybe it's my fingers, or maybe it's my computer. I don't know, either way something is wrong and it freaking blows.

You know what else blows? I have not been laid in MONTHS! Oh mygosh soooo long. The last person was T. I just took a second, looked away, and thought back to when we had sex. I am unsure exactly what month it was, but it was at the beginning of the year. It was so private and sensual. Sex really is huge. It is as close as two people can be. It is an invasion, and I am realizing that I really equate sex with love, because there needs to be some sort of trust. I feel sickened, dirty.

I need a shower. I hate myself for wanting sex but I am horny, damnit! It's been a long time, but there really isn't anyone I could do it with. C.? No. J.? No.

I'd obviously do it with T., but he's still with his girl. Living with her. Having emo pictures of him and his girl being taken and put on facebook. I hate him but I'd be with him again in a second.

Perhaps this is holding me back.

I hate admitting reality, I'd much rather live in Sar Land.. Too bad so sad. I have to PARTICIPATE IN LIFE but I don't, I just have not been. I've blown off every counseling session for at least a month now. I *was* rescheduling but the last time I just didn't bother. I don't want to sit there and talk. I want to be better by myself.

Some friends of mine from back home were supposed to come visit me here in College Town this weekend, but I canceled it. I just want to be alone with my e.d. It's so fucked....

And home alone, I've been. I am always alone. The cat's here but he's not a person. I talk to him sometimes but he doesn't talk back.

I skipped a bunch of classes last week, and every week. I didn't turn in a paper that was due on Friday, I just skipped and didn't email my professor and didn't bother writing it. I keep telling myself I will, but it's already Sunday and I'm going to work and I just don't feel like using my brain.

That's what this all comes down to. I am lazy as hell and it's killing me and making me fat. So fat. Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

I just stared at the screen as I was typing those three evil letters over and over with a space in between. It's like barring my soul, I guess.

I had so many dreams last night, all of them blurry. I can't remember them. I take it as a sign that I've been smoking far too much weed. Well what the fuck else can I do without my cigarettes? Oh Lord I crave them. Should I buy some?

I am going nuts.

Think thin. I am fasting today. I have been using this weekend to "repair" the damage of the pizzas. I have been restricting but I need to just fast today. It'll be easy because I'm going to work, and I never want to eat there. I'll be back later.

Oh yeah I lost two followers. I was surprisingly hurt. Fuck it. I don't need "followers" -- or do I?

Guess I'm not "pro-ana" enough. Well you know what. I am pro-nothing. I am a fucking lunatic and would not wish my current state of affairs on anyone. I wish I could eat normally. I know that I never will. I wish I didn't obsessively count fucking calories in my head, after everything. I wish I could keep food in the house, like a normal person. Ha! If it's there I want it. I hate it and I love it and it's so fucked fucked fucked and sometimes I just don't want to write about it! E.d. is already taking up enough space in my head, can't I use this place to clear my fucking thoughts?

I realize I have sounded somewhat harsh throughout this post, but it's okay because this is my little page on the web and I can say whatever I want, dammit. Thank you to the U.S. Constitution! Free speech babes!

Except this isn't speech is it? It's a fucking figment of your imagination. I don't exist.

Bust your windows

Sunday's have this strange gloom cast over them. I feel ready and apprehensive at the same time. Today I am hanging out with C. We are meeting up after the football game. I am fearing this, I am scared of looking fat. We talked on the phone last night and he asked if I wanted to meet for a late breakfast today. Um, are you crazy? I don't eat in front of people. I just said, no I don't want to meet for breakfast, how about something else? Haha I was vague and I doubt he'll ask me about it, he's too polite.

Remember C.? Idk if I've wrote about him, probably have because about 50% of the blog is devoted to my boy-crazyness. We've been talking and emailing. I had been talking to some guys on the side the whole time (obviously because I'm pimpin') but it's been pretty consistent with him for awhile. I don't know what I think of him. I enjoy talking to him but to tell you the truth I am absolutely terrified to be alone with him. Isn't that weird?? 

I'm supposed to go to his house (the home his mother died in) and play a game and have a drink maybe. I just am sitting here, worrying. The worry engulfs my body if I let it. I guess that I'm just so self conscious I can't even be comfortable in front of men.

I guess I'll see if he'd be willing to meet me downtown for coffee. That's a neutral place, right?

I am petrified of getting to know him because I secretly know that we'd probably be a great couple. Why would I deny myself? Because I'm not ready. I don't wish to be tied down, and literally can't. I've got too much stuff to do for school.

I've also got thin objectives to look after. I need to stop eating so much. I hate myself when I binge, so I try to buy healthy foods. I eat celery and carrots dipped in hummus. That's a pretty healthy freakin' snack.

Wish me luck. I hope I suck it up and just go there and enjoy myself. I don't want to be nervous but this dude is intense. Take care, lovelies.

Today - Kashi bar [180] some O.J. [80]

Think thin.

Xo Sar

Don't rain on my parade

I've been up since five-forty five and have only had 360 calories. Not too bad. It's almost three in the afternoon and I'm going to campus soon, then to a friends house, then to work to get my paycheck (and visit J.). Then I'll be home. A home with no junk food is a home I'm happy in. But I'm starving, and feeling bitchy.

My teeth hurt. I've got an appointment with the big D. on Saturday. That's right, the Dentist. Goody for me. I only hope he says nothing about their enamel. I really hope no embarrassing E.D talks come up. Fuck you, Mr. Just clean them and fill them and we'll be good. It sucks that I have to do this when I'm home visiting with my sister and baby nephew, but whatevs. That's my luck.

I skipped two classes today. I am doing horrible in school. I took a test this week that I surely failed. I've got 5/10 on two quizzes. I'm supposed to graduate in December but I'll tell you all my big secret: I forgot to register for graduation. Greattttt. How was I supposed to know that had to be done the first week of school? My advisor did not tell me! I've never graduated from a university, how the fuck was I supposed to take care of this? 

Initiative. You're right. I should have taken some initiative and found out for myself. I'm a failure.

I don't feel necessarily fat today, just a little bloated. The good news is that my jeans are too baggy, so I actually put them in the hot dryer for a while to shrink them. The bad news is that I'm still not happy with my body.

I can't seem to do anything but sit around and smoke weed. I spent $90 on my hair yesterday (wash, cut, highlights) and I'm feeling some buyer's remorse today. I had no business spending that money. I've been spending spending spending like crazy. I do not live within my means. I spend like I'm rich. I buy things like I don't care or need to worry about money. It's bad.

Because I still don't have enough. I am still not satisfied with my wardrobe. I do not have a winter coat, which is horrible because of where I live. I do not have winter boots. I resent my parents, siblings, friends... hell, I resent myself.

I need a fix because I'm going down. (J.L. always knows).

Oh, how I despise myself today! I thought I'd be feeling so happy because of my hair and because this week is nearing an end. But I don't. I feel morose, moody, mentally unstable... 

Tonight my friend and I are going out to a bar where T.'s band is playing. They're actually good, but why the fuck do I want to support him? He won't even be my friend. I don't give a rat's ass about him. But I like music. I especially like listening to live music.

Being in between a rock and a hard place sucks.

Well I should probably stop blogging, get off my ass, put some pants on, drive to school, and freaking learn.

This pic was on zette's blog but I love it so I'm resposting it:

I want to be her. 

Think thin.

*

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

*

Food

*

xo~Sar

Diamonds in the sand.

I'm inspired by you all. Your comments highlight my day neon yellow against the usual bleak black and white disordered thinking. I know that my words make a difference. I know that my posts spark a light in you sometimes, compelling you to click "Add Comment", and I love that about you and me. So thanks for that.

Today has been weird. I slept until almost 4 pm. That will happen when I stay up until 6:30 in the morning. My sleep schedule is BEYOND fucked. Last night I went to my best friend's house. We watched a corny movie called "Adventureland" and drank a bottle of wine between the two of us. It was refreshing, just me and my girl, chit-chatting. I needed that and I'm going to really miss it when I return to CollegeTown. I do not look forward to the isolation but I will bury myself in my classes because hell, it's my last semester. I might as well do good and finish with a bang. I mean, my GPA sucks, like completely blows, but whatever. I'll do what I can to raise it a point or two. Hopefully. It's real fucking easy to say that now, sitting in the safety of my parent's house, away from the madness. Ah well, I'll get there when I get there. I'm not making sense: I'm going to hit 'Enter' and start over.

Oh hey, yup I'm still here, blogging. My fingers are flying fast over these damn keys and all I really want to do is tell ya what I ate today, because it's gross. Don't you want to be grossed out? Think thin! Ok, here we go: Starting with this morning: an egg and cheese on english muffin. a peanut butter and jelly on 2 slices of whole wheat bread. After I woke, I had an apple. At dinner I ate a large chopped salad and a baked potato with salsa and cheese.

Good Lord that's a lot of carbs. What the fuck? I am the carb queen most days. *My stomach nods in agreement*.

I'm sitting here, wanting to text T. SO BAD!!!!!! But what would I say? Great advice Flushed, I really do need to CHOOSE to let him go. I just haven't reached that point yet. I don't necessarily want to let him go. I even changed his name in my phone to 'No Texting' LOL I am so sad about this. I know myself, I am only holding on for the hell of it. It's a little rush of excitement, it's the idea of maybe seeing him at work or school once I'm back, it's his eyes, it's everything. It's me being the girl who wants what she cannot easily have. It's the fact that he has a girlfriend and I would like nothing more than to break them up. It's the fact that I hate his girlfriend for being short and skinny and straight-haired (compared to my tall, "curvy", curly-haired self). It's the fact that this October I'll have known him for a whole year, and my stupid ass actually thinks that MATTERS.

Is this borderline obsessive? Am I getting scary? Jeez, lock me up!

Alright, decision made. I just texted him. SIGH!!!!!!! The things I do, but I am a firm believer in Love. I believe that if at first I don't succeed, I should try again. And really, I do want this guy's friendship. My last semester at school will be a lot easier if I'm not fearing running into him. It will be great if we can be like, "Hey, how are you?" in passing.

Oh, who am I kidding??

I want him back, goddamnit damnit damnit damnit!
It's NOT happening right now, Sar! Get a fucking grip, girl!!!!!!!

I need to do what ST suggested, and FOCUS ON ME! What does Sar need? Sar DOES need a pedicure. Sar also needs to organize her stuff. Sar also would reallllly like to kiss a boy. So you know what? I'm going to make that stuff happen.

My head is fuzzy. I am high on living life. I hope it's all going to be ok, I really do.

Think thin, please. I am TRYING TO! Thin is in. Thin = Discipline.

But remember, there IS such thing as "Too Thin". I've seen it. I just want to feel sexy and comfortable with myself, I will never be a walking skeleton, and that's ok! I know what my limits are! Do you?

3 AM

Christmas Day = Utter Fail.

Enough said.

Time to fast.

I have no clue what is going on with T. and I. We are hot and cold. I miss him. I wish I knew exactly what was going on. I am that type, I need specifics. It is frustrating because for all the thinking about him I am doing I have to play it cool...you know, attempt to NOT act completely infatuated. If he only knew. Maybe he does. I just want these nasty scenes to quit playing in my head, him & his ex gf, him with random chicks, being attracted to and flirty with them...ugh it drives me nuts...if i let it. I can normally push it aside, think of something else, but I am here. At my parent's house. I am feeling insecure and out of my element and UGLY AND FAT AS FUCK.

I am so fat I hate it. I hate the fact that this house is filled to the brim with food and drink and options for eating and cheese and bread and all of my favorite binge foods, even doritos. And I can't touch ANY of it. And it is literally giving me a headache. I want to be back in my apartment where the cupboards are bare until I fill them with what I CHOOSE.
I just can't win.
I just can't stop being this insecure mess.

I am jealous.immature.annoying.obnoxious.hateful.fat.blahblah & did I mention fat? with no personality and I am so tall I fucking hover? I took a nap after dinner; I fell asleep to inner chanting, "you're horrible, you freak, you fat ugly idiot, you're so stupid" etc. ETC. I entered a dreamless sleep and woke up and what did I do?
LOL. Of course! I ate more. Wow...
triscuits &cheese & some cut up bread & dip.
holy fuck, on top of dinner! I didn't even have dessert! I might as well have, it probably would have killed some of these KILLER CRAVINGS.

I am frustrated and (of course) stoned. Met up with Y. and we smoked a blunt. You'd think I would be peaceful. Nope, just pissed and full of rage and food.

I don't even deserve sleep. I just want to...

I was going to type "hang myself from the rafters" but incidently there are no rafters here and I would not want to hang myself, those words just leapt from my brain to my fingers to my laptop to your eyes.

Think thin.
Let's fast~ starting...now

Smoke sesh & ruminations.

A lot has been going on! Days have been flying by and my weight has been fluctuating, as usual.
First, I met someone last Saturday at work! T. is tall *a plus*, dark, and handsome. AND over a year older than me!!! This is ideal, and he is nice. We have texted every single day since then. We chilled outside of work as well. The downside? We work together. He just broke up with his girl...ex-girl now. And I don't know when, exactly. And I don't want to be a rebound fling!!
Sigh. It's not like I am ready for a relationship. I am scared to death of commitment and maintaining close relationships. I have no self esteem, ha. The idea of a stranger touching me in a sexual, naked kind of way just makes me shiver and blush. I am too nervous now. I have been off my meds for over a week (zoloft); I think I might be crazy as fuck, or close to it. Also, my body is not perfection. Not even close.

So last night he texted me telling me he thought I was beautiful, "in terms of looks and personality". I am not sure what to think. I know that guys are generally more straight forward, so maybe there is no extra meaning. Maybe he is attracted to me? The me inside? Scary. I feel like a badass next to him. I have done countless drugs and encountered some extremely adult experiences. Shit. He is older but younger. I don't know, I don't even know him. How can I judge him? We only "talk" through texts. What is that? What was this world of dating like without text messages??

So we went to the bar last night. I had previously pregamed with some friends; drinking, smoking, blowing lines, etc.- the norm with K. So I was out of mind, then I met up with T. and took a shot and drank a beer. After everything else? I don't know how I walked. I don't know how I talked. All I remember doing is flirting with every guy there, well not every guy...but G. (who I previously hooked up with, aka huge d!c&) and A. Muahaha I was all over A. But I was there with T. and I left with T.

This is starting to sound like a math problem. Fuck it.

Bottom line? I drank so much I puked this day away. Down to the acid. Oh it hurt, and it still hurts. But I couldn't eat or keep water down. Finalllllly I ate some brown rice and green beans. LoL..that just sounds ridiculous. But it is what I had in the house. When hungover, I crave the good stuff, like blueberry pancakes, ice cold orange juice, anything with carbs really. My body was depleted of nutrients and when I finally started to feel hungry again I just didn't want to stop at the healthy stuff.. So I left in search of dinner.

This. Gets. BAD.
I drove to DD's and got a wonderful egg white veggie flatbread and a skim latte.
(I was craving breakfast food)

I shoulda coulda woulda stopped there. But you know me.
I drove to Taco Bell and ordered a fresco bean burrito and a water. I sat in my car and devoured it. Oh my God. At this point I was on autopilot; at this point I was fucking blind. I justified my actions, "Egg whites and beans are important and good for me". Ha! It doesn't even end now.
Nope, no happy ending here, folks.
I am literally laughing out loud: I drove to McDonalds...WTF? I got a MEDIUM french fry with ketchup!!!!! WTFwtfWtF?
I drove home, kicking myself, feeling like a gluttonous elephant, feeling no control over my world, just feeling like shit.
But somehow, I brightened. Probably because my stomach was at least empty when I started. I could have gotten more, drove somewhere else, but I stopped myself. I mean, please don't get me wrong: stopping at three (3) fast food places is absolutely terrible and useless, not to mention the money spent on junk food could have been spent on a new belt. Or cute knee socks. Or even earrings. I am just happy I didn't go for a donut, which I definitely thought about. Small victory.

Since I am being so open, I am going to go in for the kill. At work, on my break, I got an egg salad sandwich. Do you hate me yet? How could I fail like this?? All the time... I know that none of us are pathetic and desperate. And yet we all succomb to tempation with little to no regard of the consequences! I can really only speak for myself. I just know that I read your blogs! And I feel like we are all riding this wave, sometimes hitting the peak and floating weightlessly across the world, and sometimes rough, choppy bottom waters bounce us around unpredicatably. All I know is that my cravings get intense and sometimes I really just need to satisfy them. I wanted eggs today, apparently. Note to self: get egg beaters.

I cannot believe how much I ate today. Let's review the list:
1 cup of brown rice (170)
green beans (85)
egg white flatbread (300)
fresco bean burrito (350)
french fries (450)
egg salad sandwich (325)
latte (150)
*approximate calorie counts* Total for today: 1830 calories holyshit. But not too bad...considering.....I purposely got the advertised "healthier" option at DD's & TB. The fries were just a comfort thing.

Well I have rambled on enough. I worked late tonight, I haven't ate since that sandwich, and now it is time to sit back and relax with my bowl and my cat.

Stay strong, all. I will too.
**Peace**

Freewrite.

Here I am sitting at my desk in my dorm, looking at the keys on my laptop keyboard, feeling the hot flow of rich expresso in the form of a starbucks americano. i am here. Here I am. lol. the sun shines during the day, then leaves real early these days. it is all gone by 5 pm and i miss it. i miss the sun and light and warmth. that is all a human really needs, just love and lust in the midday sparkle and glittery sun shining down on the sidewalk, maybe drying up some lingering rain, maybe baking a worm into a tough little turd or changing the chemicals in mayonaisse to something poisoness and not so tasty on your tiny little ladyfingers made with chicken salad, mayo, lettuce, celery, chopped cranberries, and this glorious combination (which i would never eat) is resting atop a tiny piece of sourdough or even toasted italian bread. today is sunday. tommorow is monday. i am sarah. you are you. i like this. i hate this. i like to type hard and let loose my anger on this stupid keyboard which taunts me and tease me throughtout this fucking day! i just want to be able. i just need to do it. why cant i do it. why.why.why. why. tell me why! or at least DO SOMETHING make something happen, even a page, A PAGE, afucking single solitary page of writing for one of my HUGE PAPERS due tomorrow that i havent even started but managed to kill myself with stress this past week just thinking about it, and building this huge mountain in my mind, and not doing one damn thing to relieve this STRESS. JUST STRESSING ABOUT IT. THAT IS ALL I DO. I AM A FUCK UP A FAILURE I AM TIRED OF ME I AM TIRED OF SCHOOL. LAST WEEK AT THIS TIME I HAD OVER A FUCKING WEEK AND WHAT DID I DO? OH THATS RIGHT. NOTHING! NOTHING! GOT HIGH! DRANK! HAD SEX WITH A MAN WHO CONFUSES ME AND FRUSTRATES ME YET GIVES ME JOY! enough is enough my neck is strained and tense my breathing is jagged. my heart is irregular i feel nothing only pain and sickness and sadness. this depression is eating me alive. omg.oh my god. why. why? and yet i am still able to look at the other hand that stupid other hand which saves my sanity. at least i am not a a crack addicted bum sitting on the side of the boulevard begging for handouts and feeling regret when someone hands me an apple because all i really want is money for more crack! at least that is not me but who knows what my future holds because i swear it, i swear, i do not know where i am headed: down the drain or up the path of righteousness. who the fuck even knows any more. seriously. freaking the fuck out. here, now. i am here. it is now. it is time. i am doing this. I HAVE TO DO THIs. i need a reprieve oh wait bad idea because if i get a few hours to myself all i do is surf the internet, eat, do drugs, distract myself. i am so fucking DISTRACTABLE i swear if my head was not attached it would float away and i would worry about getting it back for one second until, i dont know, a giant panda leaps across my view and im like, "oh joy!" and forget the real world and what is REally going on with me.

I have gourds on my desk.

Is this appropriate? I think so. It being November and all. I realize that decorative gourds being on my desk is very irrelevant, but I have never been good at introductions, so it is a good place to start! I find it hard to introduce people to each other. At times it is simply because I forget someone's name. Most of the time I am more concerned with my next adventure. That is me in a nutshell I guess: adventurous. I like doing things. I like going places. I like seeing sights. I contradict myself here, because above all, I need to feel warm, safe, and secure. Everywhere. If not, I am uncomfortable. Call this a fact finding mission.

Facts about me! I am discovering the land of the free! My mind is a sponge, I want to squeeze it. I want to understand what it consists of. I need to know what is there, what I have bothered to include in me. Random things, most likely. Like song lyrics, quotes, away messages, nutrition facts. A constant stream of blah blah blah in my ear. My multifaceted mind keeps me guessing! I never know which way my mood will go. When I wake up, I am either ready to start the day (rarely), or I refuse to get out of bed or think at all (most of the time). I like sleeping. I guess it coincides with the whole "me wanting to feel safe and warm" thing. But who gets places by staying in a bed all day? Not anyone that matters. Like it is up to me to decide what and who matters. I matter! Haha! I MATTER. I care. I matter to me. I matter to my mom. I matter to my dad. My brothers. My sister. I fucking matter, damnit. So start believing it!!!!!

If I matter so much, then there is a reason for my existence. I have a purpose. I am here for the long haul, hopefully. And that's true.. I can only hope. I want to be here, on this earth, alive, for a decent life span! I do, I truly do. I am so scared however, that I am going to stupidly cut my time short. I need to care about myself. I need to love myself. I love me! I love me!

And I am so sorry if anyone reading this is disgusted with my so called superficiality and this conceited sounding post I am typing, but if you knew me.... If you could see me, if you understood; there would be no judgment. I don't want to be disliked or judged, obviously it is going to happen. I am insecure a lot of the time. I am really nobody special and I know this. TRUST ME. I feel a sparkle of light down very deep, I don't see it, I feel it sometimes, but I know it is there. It is always there with me. This glimmer of shining serenity gets me through the hardest times. I allow this faith to creep slowly up around me, because I revel in the quiet joy while hesitating to believe it is even there.

I do not know if this makes any sense. I am hyped up on caffeine. McDonalds iced coffee is truly crack for someone as addicted to caffeine as me. (Probably 4 cups of black coffee per day). Back to my insecurities. I am trying to break free! I am somebody. I am a daughter. I am loved. I don't always feel it. It is there. I gotta have faith! Like the Limp Bizcut cover. Enough of this talking up, down, sideways. Time to do some homework. I will leave anyone that bothers to read this with three simple words:



PEACE ON EARTH!



*And to Bonnie* Thank you; you are an angel. I was drowning in self doubt, wallowing in depression, weighed down by a thousand boulders. Your comment meant the world to me. To know that someone randomly found my blog and felt a need to comment. Wow. I really can't show you my smile through words, I can't explain why I needed it, I can just say thank you. Thank you. God bless you.

I am a slacker.

To blog or not to blog, that is a question I haven't bothered to ask myself in months. I have been too "busy" getting high, experimenting with psychedelics, NOT working, NOT studying. When did my life lose meaning? When did my ambition drain like boiling water through a colander? Who the hell knows. At least I am wearing a cute outfit today. Sad but true. I dyed my hair black two days ago. The box said "natural dark brown" ha what a joke. It's black as night. It looks hot though. I definitely stand out a little more. I am obsessed with it. With looking good, presentable, hot, sexy, mature, pulled together, sane, skinny. The list goes on. My looks, up to this point, have defined me. How freaking sad. What will I do when I age and it all goes away? Or some nasty car wreck morphs my facial features to make me look unrecognizable? Back to my clothes. Dark denim skirt. Purple lacy tank top. Green and dark blue plaid short sleeved shirt over top. The color combination here is beautiful. I love it. How fun to know that nobody is even seeing it. I am totally skipping class right now. I don't have the 5 page paper that was due today. Oh well. I will get it handed in eventually, right? Or maybe I won't. Maybe I will just die. Or go to rehab. Give up on life like I seemingly already have. My good moods and good days are short lived. I am serious always. I don't remember laughing this week. I do remember having a melt down last Friday, Halloween, because of a bad trip on mushrooms. I need to grow up seriously. But it is hard in this college town!!! Everyone around me is 20 and just starting out, and has not really gone through shit. I have been around the block and back, been pushed around and stomped on, lived through poverty, cleaned others TOILETS, and so forth. I have paid for a child that was not mine. I have graduated from a community college. Blah Blah. My favorite two words lately, because they don't mean A THING. I just want something. something. something. To travel, to learn, to love, to be happy, to be free, to fly, to sail, to stare, to ponder, to just BE.