Walcott

Last night was awesome. Here's a rundown: Earlier in the week I had convinced my coworker to accompany me to a bar where three bands were playing including M's. We came to my place after work to blaze and I changed my outfit. We took a quick walk to the store so I could buy ciggies (bad Sar). Then we drove separate cars to a bar on the freaking east side. M's band was playing on the patio when we walked in. I love making eye contact with him while he sings.

The set finished. We drank overpriced Blue Moons with dirty oranges. We chatted then she wanted to leave. She has recently lost 30 pounds and is seeing a personal trainer Saturday mornings. We talk about weight loss a lot. We went out to her car for a quick "session" and then she drove off and I was alone. I went back inside since I paid a cover to get in, there were two bands left, and M. was floating around somewhere.

I grabbed a beer and stood by myself in the crowd of unfamiliar faces, swaying to the beat. At some point M. came over to me to shoot the shit but I found myself feeling aloof and wandering off outside. I made a few friends with some dudes smoking a bowl on the patio. The third band started so I went back in. They killed it! I was having a lot of fun dancing by myself but becoming more aware of the fact that I was alone and there were a couple randoms from college (also there for M's band) making me feel a little awkward but I kept my confidence and switched to drinking water.

The best part of the night is when M. and I made our way over to each other again for a quick private convo. We kept asking how each other was and how each other's night was going. Then the third band called him onstage to jam. Our eyes linked while the photographer was snapping his picture. It was a moment. They finished up and I left, having sobered up besides the pot, and I drove safely home.

I immediately stripped off my clothes, laid naked on my bed (still spending a lot of time naked), and texted M. and Jake (since I had seen his light on). Jake and I ended up having this hour long flirty and open text conversation. He told me that he thought I didn't want to see him again. I told him that I wanted to crawl into bed with him. So now, we're hanging out tonight after I get out of work.

Well, supposedly, Do plans made at 3AM still count? Hope so. I have to be at work in a hour and I haven't even showered but I'm about to. I just had to get this down. I loved last night. I loved doing something new with someone new. I loved that she left and I stayed, alone, at the bar. I love that M. and I are so cool. I love that I am the type of person who likes to make friends with strangers. I love freedom.

I love life, sometimes.

Today - baby carrots/hummus. whole grain melba crackers. spinach salad with parm cheese and italian dressing. 1 slice whole wheat bread with 1 slice pepper jack cheese. banana. 2 slices watermelon. coffee.

Pretty fucking healthy and that will be it for the day. Maybe drinks later.
Peace, loves.

LIVE FREE
xo

~Sar~

You promise spring and still my lover won't return to me

Saturday. Finally. This long ass week ended and I'm glad. I've even got something to look forward to: my sister and my nephew are coming to visit next weekend. So I took off work and I'll be heading home for a night. Or two. We'll see how much I can tolerate.

Last night I met up with J. (hot guy I work with) after I closed at work. He texted me, asking if I'd want to meet for a drink or something. I thought long and hard about it. I was sweating, but I had brought deodorant and body spray to work with me in my bag. I had nothing to wear, only what I had on, which was a gray tank top under my work polo shirt. I don't usually wear tank tops due to my paranoia over flabby arms. However it just so happens that I did three sets of twenty arm lifts. So I said yeah, sure, meet me here.

He was standing outside, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, looking god-like. The first thing he said was obviously hey and then, very sincerely, you look like you've just had a long day. He is seriously psychic. I totally did have a long fucking day. We remained in tune the rest of the night. We were together for only like two and a half hours but it was pretty sweet. He is a total gentleman. He didn't even try to make a move, which surprised me and impressed me.

He knows what it's like getting hit on all the time, just like I do. So I suppose he respects or reckons that I'd like something a tad more untraditional. Or maybe ........

Ahh, I could keep going on, but I won't. I'm so sick of wondering and worrying about the future, which is UNKNOWN.
No, I don't want a relationship, No I don't believe this guy will fall in love with me, No I am not sure, I am scared and full of excuses and justifications and mind and heart altering moral dilemmas.

He is great though. I had a great time. At the end of the night T. showed up, girlfriend glued to his side with his electric guitar strapped to his back. We locked eyes, briefly.

It means nothing. I refuse to make a damn thing out of it! He lives with her. He loves her. I am independent, and this is good.
But T. obviously saw J. We all work together. And honestly, it's pretty fucked up of me to ALWAYS go after the hottest guy at work. It was T. before, but every one fucking knows that J. is way hotter than T., and he's hanging with me. Therefore I'm the work ho.

Fuck it all. I ain't no ho, yo.

But you don't give a shit about this. You are wondering how I am doing on my journey to thin. Well my answer is that I don't know how much I weigh, so I can't give you a number. Weighing is stupid. I'd rather go by how my clothes fit. That scale and the number chilling on it freak me out and I must stay far, far away.

I love how people love talking to me about diets, bloating, and the such. It's like, oh, there's a thin[ish] girl, let's make her uncomfortable by talking about bodies and food and fat and thin. Eff you bitches I do it my way, you should just start by saying no to second helpings.

I keep talking to myself, I am so out of it. I want to go do something to my hair, like highlights. I want to do it today, but something is holding me back. Maybe I don't want to spend the money? No, that's not it. I just don't want to leave my hair in the hands of an amateur.

I gotta go, I'm rambling and babbling but hanging with J. last night really gave me the chills. He is adorable but he's almost too gorgeous. I must find a flaw. No, maybe I musn't. Lmao I need coffee..


Think thin, PLEASE JUST THINK THIN TODAY!

<3~S.

Faceless.

It's after midnight and I'm contemplative and restless. I want to shower, have a smoke, clean a little, go somewhere; I want to do everything but only half-heartedly. I lack the gusto, I suppose, to really make the move tonight.

Must be all that dancing. I happily danced my ass off last night. I did eat though. I was trapped; I arrived at my friend's place and first we smoked a blunt, which was fine...but then everyone started talking excitedly about dinner and grilling and I felt sick inside. I knew I had to eat at least one thing. I told myself that would be okay, because all I had up to that point was the other half of the cinnamon roll (nasty-sugary-fatty) and 1 1/2 slices of toast. 

So I ate a grilled "tofurkey" "sausage", whatever the fuck that is. Actually it was okay, I did NOT see the nutritional facts unfortunately but I'm sure a quick net browse will solve that. I ate it on a (white) hot dog bun, with mustard and some grilled onions and peppers. *Sighs*

I was the skinniest girl there, but definitely one of the tallest. I always feel big. Am I though? Fuck if I know, my distortion is extremely skewed. Not just my perception of myself but my perception of others is off-kilter. I at least know, though. I am not in denial.

Anyway. Later last night once we were home from the concert, which was awesome, by the way, I SPLURGED and ate 2 slices of oven-cooked cheese pizza (guessing 700 calories) and some gummy rings. 

Yes I'm a pig. I know this. I hate myself for reaching for the second slice. K. urged me to...I am so fucking fed up with people trying to get me to eat. 

I guess I'll comfort myself with the fact that if I was overweight, no one would be offering me food. Well maybe someone, some perverted fuck like me who likes to watch fat people eat. It always succeeds in making me eat a little less...ha.  And last night I watched a couple of the girls I was hanging with shovel down pints of Ben and Jerry's (not that I haven't done it, but after all that drinking? no thanks) PLUS the pizza..

Disgust. I really need a shower.

It's time to get honest about today:

Breakfast - Tim Horton's black coffee and donut.

Lunch - Baked potato with salsa/cheese, salad, some fruit/trail mix.

Snack- More gummy candy. More licorice.

Dinner - Pan-fried potatoes and onions (sauteed in olive oil, at least - my bro made it)

And luckily that day is officially over and I am full. I ate too much, way too much today. In my (tiny) defense, my body craved nutrients after a night of drinking (beer and wine, more calories there- wonderful).

But still, candy, a donut, and something fried ALL in ONE day??

That is ridiculous. Positively mad. I am an alien.

I am out of control, or maybe not. Maybe I am really IN control but I just don't know it.

I got my tarot cards read last night.

Interesting...they basically "said" (according to the girl that read them) that I "withhold" a lot (yes) and that I struggle with being "fair". I don't know. Maybe it's a crock.

I could relate to it though. The whole thing about being fair could have to do with my eating habits. I try to be fair to my body, by not eliminating nutrients completely, by resting it, by keeping clean and somewhat healthy, etc...but I also need to be fair to the skinny goddess inside.

It's a constant conflict and I'm stuck in the middle.

I need to rest my eyes (see, there's me being fair again).

Think thin.

Do NOT add to the obesity epidemic. It is seriously out of control here. I hate it. It's not exactly rocket science (staying in shape) so why can't people NOT weigh over 200 pounds? What. The. Fuck.

I'm sorry but that's just gross. I've said it before and I'll say it again: don't be fat. Be thin. Be the skinniest in the room. Be thinspirational. Be lovely. Be you, just the best you.

I'll be me, only the skinniest me possible. Because it's fun to be thin. I saw some super skinny girls at the bar last night (it's weird how there is skinny, skinnier, the skinniest) and I stared with envy, unashamed, because they were gorgeous. Guys want to hug and touch them. Scratch that, everyone wants to touch them, because skinny is cute and hot and small and touchable. It is ideal to be thin in our faceless world.

Bones...

I don't get it.

How can my life and feelings and attitude change so much?

T. and I talked at the bar last night, and on the phone for an hour after, and today when we met for coffee.

Surprise, surprise.

No seriously. I don't know why. You guys know where I was last time I wrote; I had deleted him from my life.
But when I was at work last night, he texted me. We exchanged back and forth for a few hours, then I mentioned the bar I was going to with my neighbor. Then he showed up there.
At first I ignored him and talked to others. He eventually said, "You can't just pretend I'm not here." What? You noticed?? So then we started talking and smiling and joking and quasi-bickering, while others looked on and attempted to interrupt. T. and I ignored them though. We continued until I left with my friend so she could get food (nothing for me, thanks). My phone beeps a few minutes later, it was T, texting:

"I wanted to kiss you."

I said, "Same, come smoke with us."
So he came over and it was a group of us at my neighbors place. Including Tom, T, and me. Ha. First time for that awkward situation.

Needless to say, the group dispersed and went their separate ways. I went upstairs and called T. That was when we talked and it was helpful I think, except we were both drunk. He a lot more wasted than I.

Today we got coffee. He is at work now. He invited me to come over after (midnight). I am going to go there.
Sigh.

Deep breath.

Should I do this?? Should I risk it??

My feelings are so jagged and rocky and mixed and messed up. I just want to be happy. I don't want to be played with. Oh you guys, my heart. It tends to show up on my sleeve and my face when I look at T. He's fucking gorgeous. It's not fair.

I need to take a break.

I can't. I just need to finish this post, find a conclusion. In all honesty my stomach is in nervous knots and I am apprehensive and worried about T. flirting with female coworkers. I am just always worrying about everything. What I will do is the dishes. I will also put away some clothes. I will also clean the cat litter. Ok. A plan. A purpose.

I feel sick.

What is love? Will I ever know?

Think thin.
I love feeling my bones.
Don't you?