Thoughts

Weighed in twice now at 120. Guess that's my new weight. I am thin. I am not particularly happy or any which way about it. I am turned off by how baggy all of my clothes are. It makes me look bigger than I am to wear baggy clothes. I need to go shopping so bad for work clothes but I can't seem to make myself. It is a mix between sheer exhaustion and nervous about spending money. Silly reasons huh. I'm a girl, I should love to shop.

D. and I are still off. Shit got better, briefly...then very bad. The cops were involved. It sucked but no charges or anything, just warnings. I have been on tinder, a dating app for your phone. I chat with a couple dudes, one more than most. Nothing serious and half of my heart (honestly) still belongs to D.

I am playing with fire is how it feels. D. and I had unprotected sex several times in the last few weeks and now I am waiting again for my period to come. It is supposedly coming next week-ish. There is no way in fuck I am pregnant again. If it happens...well. No. I refuse to think about it right now. No need to stress myself out. Fingers fucking crossed though. It's funny how, after everything, the months of bleeding, etc..how I could be hoping for the blood. Life is weird. Hope so bad I'm just being paranoid.

Still smoking bundles of weed and cigs. Insurance again soon and I'm ready to get back in therapy. I need it.

Work is going well. I've had some fun times with friends. Bridal showers and weddings to go to this summer. My hair is growing out a bit. I've lost thirty freaking pounds. Needless to say, this may be the best I've looked in quite awhile. I was looking at some older pics of myself. From like two to five years ago. I was definitely heavier and very clearly needed to lose weight. I think that is partly why it shed off so fast too. I have always been thin, tall and thin. Skinny as a kid. Stick girl they called me in middle school. This may just be my natural body type.

Let's be real here too, I have had a pro ana and mia mindset for EVER. At some point that shit sticks. It changed the way I look at food, how I think about it, my portions, my restaurant ordering, eating with a significant other or friends, what I buy, what I "don't eat", what I "crave"...it goes on and on. It's everything and for me I have just accepted that I will never "binge" (like I was doing) again. I will CERTAINLY never throw up again. That was too awful.

I'm at my happy weight. 120. Not bad.

xx

What means the world to you?

Sunday nights are chill around these parts. I'm on the couch, on the computer, on weed...I've been watching "Six Feet Under". Thank you Bella for your considerate and kind comments lately. I feel a deep appreciation for life tonight. I'm alive and that's really all that matters to me right now. Maybe decisions don't have to carry such a weight. Maybe I am letting myself get a little too stressed.

D. and I are back on. I feel good about it. We have managed to rack up quite the history in our nine months "together". I put it in quotes because we did have a break up, but nothing ended. It was amazing to spend more time with him. We have a rhythm. We can finally have sex again, the bleeding was just getting too bad so we had to stop. It was amazing to get laid this weekend after so long without and all the other crap.

But are we being *safe*???

For god's sake no we are not. We used a condom 1/3 times this weekend. I am not on the pill (yet). We talked about it tonight though, because we do communicate sometimes, and all condoms all the time from now on!

I got a decent amount done this weekend. Paid some bills, cleaned my apartment, organized some shit. Cleaned my car a little. Had a good time at the baby shower yesterday, it was a beautiful day for it and the country club was right on the water!

I guess I'm talked out. Almost bed time and I'm going in to work early. New Mad Men tonight! (I'll watch it tomorrow though) Anyone else like that show?

This is going to be a GREAT week!!!!!!!!! Love and Peace to my wonderful readers!!

xo
Sar

Rock me baby

Think I'm in love and the sex is out of this world amazing.
Feeling thinner than ever.
Life is good.
xo

Am I psychotic?

My eyes my eyes.

I have nothing to say but I feel like I should write. I took a pen and drew a circle around my wrist, like an ana bracelet. Except blue and very thin. It is fading but after I shower I will redraw it. It is a focus, a way of forgetting about stupid food.
So far I have had 673 calories today.

That means nothing to me. Calories are not the problem. I judge myself by how I look. I look fat still. Last night T. stayed over, we did it then went to sleep. Naked. I couldn't stop feeling for bones. My hip bones felt great! I ran my hands all over his body, feeling for his bones too. He is thin, I would say. Really sexy and thinspirational for sure. Yeah so we got freaky. I am usually extremely self-conscious while nude but with T. all I can focus on is making him feel good...and I forget I even have a body. No, that's not true...I think about how he is pleasuring me. And may I just say he is quite amazing in bed!

I freaked out a little last night, it was bad. Before all that ^ .. something happened: I grew noticably quieter and stiffer, I wouldn't look at T. I just felt extremely paranoid about the situation, which was us and his friends drinking and smoking. This dude J. mentioned to T. something like, "blah that chick, the redhead?" with a goofy ass smile. And I grew irrepairably jealous. I did not even mention it to him. I just made up some lame shit (when he asked me what was up) about being lonely on Christmas and how I wished we could be together on New Years. Ding ding is the bell I ring for I am a stupid girl.

After consuming large quantities of liquor I started getting all teary on our walk out of the bar b/c earlier I had asked him if he wanted to stay together and he was all for it. But once my little "episode" started I began to have second thoughts.
So anyways we are walking and he kept asking whether or not I wanted him to come home with me or not, and I kept not answering, or saying I wasn't sure. He basically just walked me to my apartment, up the stairs, into the door, onto the couch; I lost it. I have shattered my pride, I have admitted too many faults to him. No, I mentioned nothing about this obsession with food and losing. I just kinda changed the subject to me doing terrible in school, I'm a failure, blah blah. Looking back I am now wondering if I was putting on a show.

I am fucking manipulative.

Getting back to last night, this is kinda hot, but we went from laying on the couch (he was holding me) and talking/me freaking out to us going upstairs, getting naked super fast, and having passionate sex. It was hot, I'm really not holding back, sorry if this is too much information...but you know you like it : )

Wow, guess I needed to get that out. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep then had to get up and drive T. home and go to work. I am beat. I have an entire paper to write tomorrow that I am turning in late, monday. Slacker...gawd. Yet tonight I plan to be with T. again.

Tell me, am I obsessed?

I am unfocused and uncomfortable, high and tired, excited and sick.

I am done with this eating shizz. Fuck food. I would rather be skinny and have electrifying bedroom behavior than eat and be pudgy and shy.

Oh, the self-loathing. It comes and it comes. Just now I typed "bitch" than backspaced. I was calling myself a bitch because my self is no angel and certainly not smart.

Gotta shower. I need to relax.

Think thin. Always.

xo

Sexy-time.

I am awake, T. is upstairs in my loft, sleeping. Ah, pure contentment. I woke before he did, because I still have my freakin' period and I was worried while I was sleeping that I was, well...leaking. So I got up and he is snoring and this is a perfect time to express myself.
My God I am crazy about this guy.
I had this ridiculous dream though, that is partly what woke me. It was in three parts (my dream): the first was T. and I, traveling. Things seemed "normal" but then we stopped to meet up with some of his family and things turned strange. He ended up telling me that he was still talking to his ex and basically I was out of the picture. The dream literally ends with me about to fuck Amy Winehouse. It was hardcore.
What the fuck? What a dream. I mean parts of it simply coincide with what is really going on. He asked me to come meet his mom, which we are not doing yet, we are waiting until after finals. We fell asleep naked (so that explains the me and Amy getting naked and freaky thing). Idk. I am weird. Not a lesbian, more like "unlabeled" .. but I haven't dreamt of a woman in that way in quite awhile. I guess last night's amazing sex with T. propelled that.

Oh man!

I am freezing.
Yesterday's intake: 1 oatmeal packet. 1/2 Subway veggie patty sub with a little too much sweet onion sauce (evil Subway worker). 1 mini bag of sun chips. 1 mandarin orange cup. tons of (fat free) cappuccino at work. 1 cookie. wine. a shot. a BEER!!! (wtf i hate that fattening shit).

I went to bed hungry, daydreaming of breakfast food. I am now up, sipping water. No food today. Fuck it.

I want to be skiiinnnnyyyy!!!

I want to never have the fear that T. is leaving me for a skinnier, prettier chick. I am that chick. I seriously wanna marry this dude. and no he does not know it! I refuse to let him feel that much in charge of my emotions.

Speaking of. It is not too often there is a gorgeous guy in my bed. I am going back : )

Think thin, lovelies.

Like the Wind.

430-something "facebook friends" but no best and none to talk to, ever. Today has been weird. This last week has been just insane. Next week should follow suit. I keep getting ripped off on good weed, which is pissing me off. I have a pimple, my period, and NO refill to Zoloft. Sigh. So I am kind of a hot mess. Speaking of which, I need to pop some Midol to continue to reduce this annual bloat.

Ugh I have no motivation to do anything today. I peaked mid-week, I got shit done. Now I am gross and lazy and I have to go to work in an hour. I don't even know what to do with myself. I sit in front of the computer out of PURE HABIT. It's like I traded smoking cigs for scanning a screen of useless information.

Sometimes I just hate myself.

I went home this week, that was interesting. I paid over $300 to get my car fixed last friday and it still sounds like shit. Where is the good? I need to find some silver linings, ok, I finished a book I started over the summer, called, (appropriately) The Summer I Dared. It was great, kind of slow at first, which is why it took me so long to read it. But upon finishing it last night and reflecting a tad, I really enjoyed it and probably could have learned a lesson from it had I finished it in a normal time.

Well I like stretching things out, making them last. Just not food, unfortunately.

I haven't ate yet, just a banana. It is 6 in the evening, so much time for failure still. But that is what sleeping all day does for you. I like to sleep uninterrupted. Since getting this cat a couple months ago I have learned that sleep is a precious thing. I can't sleep unless he is sleeping. LITERALLY...

I need to take/post measurements soon, I know I had them on here over the summer, so expect that (I care more than you haha).

Still no action, no sex, no kissing. A little flirting. There is one guy that is fuckable to me. He is 5 years older than me. He is superhot. But an Aries, and I am a Virgo. And I don't think he has a home, a paying job, or a cell phone. Maybe he does, I don't know anything about him other than some random emails. Well he has computer access haha a plus. I love the internet! Amazing what it is, compared to when I was much younger. Our first family computer was sloowww, and ancient. And I hated dial up!

Well strolling down memory lane just know got my mood lifted from where it was before. Thanks Blogger. Peace Out, Think Thin.

I'm going to work high. YeS/wish me LuCk. I do still need to prioritze. But I know what gets me through the day. ;)

Binary Behavior?

Too often I sit here and try to come up with a random topic to feed my frenzy, when the truth is I should just write creatively about my daily crazy experiences-I may just get more feedback. Last night I went to "A talk on bisexuality", sponsored by the Pride Alliance. I dragged a friend along. The talk was given by a woman, "Wendy," who happens to be married to another woman; those two are from Massachusetts. She was interesting, but incredibly long winded with dull pauses in between her similar statements and reading out loud printed facts that we all (all 30!) had a copy of. There was a questionnaire on the back of each that we ended up using for the "interactive" portion of the chat/tutorial. Good to know that people are not lumped into two sexual orientations: Straight or Gay. There is apparently a six digit scale, with the numbers spread across the map. It was so awkward at first, at least for me; my face was red and my pulse burst; a simple game of naming your name and hometown eased the clog and students laughed again. I learned something though, I am not concerned with labels - I am who I am.

Oh what a night.

I kissed a boy last night, and I liked it. Paul, very sexy and tall. That rhymes actually, nice. At the bar for Claire's 21st, I was somewhat innocently sipping on Malibu Coconut & Diets and browsing my options. My eyes fell on a familiar face, a face I have known for years: Tim. A pal from High School. We chatted and laughed, then I set my sights on his friend and the rest is a blur. We (my girl and I) ended up at their place, smoking and joking and toking. Out of nowhere I was being kissed by a god. Or an angel. Definitely a Greek god, complete with chiseled arms and a broad smile. OH man. It was brief, but miraculous. There are times when you meet and are attracted to someone, and then there are times when you meet someone intense and feel something powerful and passionate inside. This time was truly the latter.

Will I see him again? I want to say no, but fate is mysterious, and coincidences are all too common. He does have my phone number, my girl Yvonne made sure of that. Am I looking for anything serious? Of course not. But who could turn down sex with him? And therein lies the problem! He may have stds or worse: baby mama drama. I don't know. I don't have a clue about him.

All I know is our lips touched and it was magic.