Binge City

Ugh, how can I talk so much shit and yet stuff my face when the house is quiet and I'm all alone? I hate the fact that my head has two conflicting forces...one says, "Don't eat, fatass...food sucks. You're not even hungry, duh!" and the other says, "No one is watching, I have money, I want french fries; I want ice cream. I'm a pig!". And you know who won last night? THE FAT ASS PIG THAT LIVES IN MY BODY!

God help me. I went to the store last night and bought a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream, a box of Raisinets, and a box of Kashi "whole grain" crackers. I wasn't. even. hungry.

I ripped open the Raisinets in the car and poured them into my mouth as I drove, barely tasting the chocolate, reasoning with myself that they would make me shit. I ate about half the box (200 cal) and then came home and secretly snagged a spoon from the kitchen and tore into the ice cream. I devoured about three quarters of the pint (750 calories) and then threw it away. Then I busted out the crackers. I didn't stop to breathe as I shoved them into my mouth, while mindlessly staring at the computer screen. I stopped when I hit the bottom. I didn't want to finish the box but I was damn close (600 cal). I finally looked up, stood up, looked in the mirror, hated what I saw, and proceeded to beat myself up internally for a few hours.

And then I made french fries in the oven, and dipped those motherfuckers in lots of ketchup (600 cal). I passed out with a straining stomach and no will to live. I tossed and turned and had nightmares. I woke today, prepared to starve. But did I?
No. For lunch I had a Tofurkey beer brat with lettuce and mustard on one slice of whole wheat bread.

That was it until...ten minutes ago, when I ate the rest of the crackers and Raisinets. I am a fatass failure and want to die.

Binges suck. This was a loneliness binge and IT SUCKS AND I SUCK AND I AM SO FAT!! You saw my stomach, you're obviously not commenting because you now know that I AM A FRAUD! How dare I preach "think thin" to people WHEN I FUCKING CAN'T?????

I hate ME!

I am chewing gum now, like a madwoman. I don't know what to do...actually I do. I need to exercise my ASS OFF!

I am pushing away friends and declining invitations to chill/party so I can stay home and eat?? What The Fuck Is That??

I need help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh World, do you deny me?

Oh you guys.

Ever feel such inner turmoil with no way to express it? Ever feel like your soul is trying to leap out of your body? Ever feel like jumping out your window, or pouring boiling water on your hands, or slicing a thick line across your stomach? I do. Right now. I. am. so. frustrated.

My student loan stuff is apparently ALL FUCKED UP. School starts monday. What the fuck. I am screwed. Today is my last day off, I work all weekend then start school, and I have already been crying, hitting the wall, swearing at God and whoever can hear, wasting my precious phone minutes ON HOLD. UGH!!!!!

Today was supposed to be a good day!!!!!

I was going to get a haircut, and chill/clean.

Now I am stressing hardcore. Pacing around. Tearing at my hair. Lookin' blotchy-faced and miserable.

OH SCHOOL HOW YOU ARE KILLING ME SLOWLY.

Alright. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It will be okay.

How can I even convince myself? I know deep down that I just want to say FUCK IT!

I HATE college. I LOATHE this country's education system. I hate schoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschool.

Too bad hating school won't make it go away.

Goddammit.

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I need a change of focus. I will smoke and get back to you.

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A long time ago I was different. I cared. I wanted to do well. I wanted a better life.

Something clicked, or changed. I have become bitter and feel entitled and when bad things happen I freak out (usually). That is not even my biggest problem. I don't know what is. It could be this whole food thing. It's really getting to me. My parents are starting to notice. I went home for the day yesterday and our conversation centered around food a majority of the time. My hate for preservatives and my dad talking about grass-fed vs. grain-fed cows. He hates that I don't eat meat and chooses to bring it up every time he sees me. Like if I reach for something that obviously is meat-free, he'll be like "oh don't eat that, there's hamburger in that". I used to be like, "ew!" but now I just roll my eyes and either ignore him (which is hard) or say "no, there's not. (do I look like an idiot to you?)".

My mood has shifted entirely. I am denying myself food. Ha.

Yesterday's calorie intake was great: 740. Yeah!

So around one this morning I had some food...a (100 cal) veggie burger w/ mustard and spinach {no bun}, 2 rice cakes w/ some natural pb (only one ingredient: peanuts) and a 1/2 teaspoon of grape jelly, a 50 cal fiber one yogurt, mandarin oranges, and this walnut/almond nut mix.

So that was technically "last night" right? But OH WELL. I counted it all and so far TODAY I've had 634 calories.

I have been up four hours now.

 Time to get moving.

  No food.

    I just had some tea.

     Before I go get my haircut I'll have a little orange juice.

I'll stay under 900 today. Watch me.

think thin.

<3 Sar

and no, I'm not okay. but I am going to make the best of this day.