After

It's been a week and three days since I aborted my baby. I thought I was coping decently. Today, stupidly, I watched a video explaining the life stages from conception to birth with accurate and fascinating pictures. I stared at the seven week picture out of curiosity and the need to feel reconnected. I watched this in the last hour of my workday.

On the way home, driving 60 mph on the thruway, I could feel that tight hot ball of grief-guilt-anger-sadness forming in the pit of my stomach. A tear slid out, my face hardened, enough crying, dammit just drive. Another tear. An escaped sob to assuage the poisonous emotions wrestling to release. I made it home through blurred vision. My cheeks hurt from frowning and holding back tears. My arms, my heart hurts.

My baby is gone. I killed it. No Sarah, you didn't kill anyone. You made a choice to end a life. Ok that sounds a lot like killing.

I need D. Well sorry, he's out of the country. There's no one else you can really talk to. Not family. Friends don't understand.

I killed my baby. Stop. Just fucking stop goddammit.

------------------------------------------------------------

It's been a week and three days since I aborted my baby. Life has gone on. I recovered, physically, quick. I took my antibiotics and ibuprofen. I hung out with my boyfriend, the only person who has any inkling of knowledge of what I'm going through. He's gone now, away for another month. I've survived a week without him. We've chatted over facebook every day, thank god. I need him so bad right now.

Work has been a decent distraction but it's been too slow with all the snow and the time to think is getting to me. Time is crawling by.

Last week I drank. This week? Hell, maybe I'll write.

Thanks for listening.
xx
~S

Covet

I am mourning an invisible person's death, I am lacking insight and clarity and I have questions!! THIS is why they warn against one night stands. Maybe it's better that he doesn't live here. If he did, I would feel even more compelled to hang out. This is a new feeling...or is it? Have I been here before, same fruit - different color? I'm not making any sense. I am caffeinated and pmsing and not happy. I hate feeling like this. Feelings are not my friend today.

I miss Z. Isn't that stupid? I miss him but I don't even know him. I don't have any clue what his life is like or if he's still fooling around on the road with others, and I can't even ask him. I can't do anything but be grateful for the experience.

We have "kept in touch". A smattering of texts. I don't know if it's helping or hurting me.

My period is due to start today. I have the signs and symptoms so FINGERS CROSSED it comes. Because if it doesn't...well, that's not something I can deal with right now.

How do I move on from this? What is the proper course of action? I can't forget him, I won't. But I can't just put my life on hold under the HOPE that MAYBE someday things could change. Too risky? Inherent wishful thinking?

I suppose the solution is to do nothing. Take it as it comes. As Ellie G. would say, "lovers hold on to everything".

Enough.

It's the weekend. I've been on spring break this whole week. The sun is shining out my window so I'm going to go for another walk today. I've been good about my walks, at least. Gotta tone up for summer.

I've been job searching like crazy! Also considering an out of state move.

I have no idea where to start with that though. According to my parents, you need lots of money (and a job) to move out of state. I do not have either. Have any of you ever moved out of state? How did you do it? Looking for any advice on this, please and thank you!

Well guys...have a happy easter weekend. Take care :-D
Xo
Sar

Amateur hour

Uninspired

It's five in the eve
I sit here alone
demotivated,
deconstructing my decision
to bleed my soul out
by way of prose or poem
tonight at the mic.

I don't even care anymore
what I do or where I'm going...
It's easy to lie to everyone.
It's tempting to display
a face of fearlessness,
a fake path lit up -by light-
in front of me!

Day after day
nothing changes,
what remains is
the constant hurt...
What doesn't change
is my mindset,
the black hole where
my thoughts go to die.

Was it a nightmare?

I wasn't going to blog about it, but I think I need to. Let me back up. Happy Hump Day! Ugh that expression creeps me out every time I hear, say, or type it.

I am so incredibly emotional today. I've already starting crying twice - once after talking to my father and once after trying to talk to my brother - they both just completely brushed me aside with the abrupt rudeness they've been cultivating for years. The men in this house make me sick. All men do, actually. It's enough to go lesbian. Not really though. Instead, I'll continue to rely on myself.

So I'll get to the nitty gritty. Last night was not good. I restricted during the day, but after work I went to the store. I pathetically bought a bag of organic cheese puffs and a box of Velveeta mac and cheese. I came home and desperately ate the entire bag of cheese puffs. I didn't stop to breathe and barely chewed. I was starving and needed something. My tongue actually started burning towards the end. I finished the bag and felt so full...so gross...but I wanted more. After all, what I had really been craving was the mac and cheese. I decided to make it, even though I had just ingested 750 calories.

I turned the water on to boil, and quickly ate a small apple (for the "nutrients"). I made it, filled my bowl, and went to my room to scarf it down. Well I couldn't finish it. My stomach was hurting so bad and I was so unbelievably full. I lay down in the fetal position on my bed; my stomach gurgling; my thoughts racing. I decided to purge.

This was about one in the morning and I didn't want to wake anyone up. I grabbed my glass of water and headed to the bathroom. I turned on the fan and the shower, took a sip of water, bent over, and scratched my throat with one finger. My nails are long. I instantly puked, it came out so fast. All of it. I barely splashed the wall. It was all so quick, so easy. Too easy.

I wiped the toilet off, flushed twice, turned off the shower. Walked calmly back to my room, packed up a bowl of weed, and smoked. I was up later than usual but did not eat anymore. I still haven't ate. I had one cup of tea and currently drinking my first cup of black coffee. 

And now it's time to get ready for work. The idea of eating is grossing me out, so I probably won't. Fuck food. Seriously. I hate it. I hate how I feel about it. I hate what it does to me. I hate how I have no control. I hate hate hate it all.

I should be asking myself, why?. Why binge and purge? What emotion was I feeling? The sad thing is that I know the answer. I was in a good mood! I was feeling positive! But my desire to self-sabotage is just too strong. 

Oh, and I weighed myself this morning when I woke, and I'm down. Again. Am I smiling? No.

Think thin . Stay strong .

XO 

Sar

Vent

If I had a dollar for every one of my issues I'd be a rich woman. I think the combination of my ednos, being without therapy, working a job that drives me so crazy the stress manifests physically, living at home with my dysfunctional family, my overactive mind, my drug use, the genes passed down from my mentally unhealthy parents, the way thing are going in this country, the amount of money I'm making (which is considerably less than the U.S. "poverty" line), etc., is really starting to get to me.

How can I come out on top? And more importantly, why am I such a bitch?

My mood swings and lack of sleep contributed to my snarky mouth and foul attitude this weekend. My sister was visiting from out of state and whenever she comes my mother gets all competitive for her attention, and it makes me feel like shit.

I get that my sis is my mom's precious firstborn and I try to be understanding, but when I feel burned or done wrong, it's almost impossible to keep my mouth shut. So my mom and I were mad at each other all weekend and my sister is just not the same. Is that what marriage and having a one year old child does to people? Makes them lose all sense of self? If so, then I'm happy as fuck to be single with no chance of getting knocked up any time soon.

This is my 400th post on Blogger. Damn. That makes me feel...well, nothing really. I'm numb and I'm really starting to forget how to live.

My mom just knocked on my bedroom door and told me I got a bill from my skipped sessions with my therapist. (How ironic, I was just thinking about that). I said, "ok" so she slipped it under my door, with no other words exchanged.

I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, laptop in front of me, and out of the corner of my eye I can see the white envelope. Maybe I'll just throw it away without looking at it. Maybe I'll look at it and pay it. What I really want is for my parents to pay for it, but how can I ask for favors now?

They probably hate me. I would hate me, if I was them. I am the Daughter From Hell. The one they most likely wish miscarried. What a terrible thought to think and yet I wouldn't be surprised.

I did 4 loads of laundry today. I vacuumed. <-- Every time I type that it looks wrong. What a weird word. Anyway. I ate a lot, and right now I have terrible heartburn. Fun fact, I never had heartburn until I started purging 2 years ago. I'm so sick of food. I'm tired of being responsible for what I eat. I'm done, just fucking done.

Think thin, people.

***

***

Also, any life advice? I'm a bitter, cynical 25 year old child. How can I be happy with myself? How can I stop pushing people away? How can I stop speaking my mind and letting the cold hard truth drip hatefully off my tongue without any sense of remorse or regret? How can I be ok with things as they are? How can I smile without any trace of fake? How can I laugh at jokes, instead of taking them seriously and ruining everything?

Thanks.

XO

~Sar~

A reminder

5:57 p.m.

My mom just called. My grandma is dead. I didn't expect to feel such pain inside. I'm sort of still in shock but there is a jagged edge tearing apart my lungs. My face is scrunched up with a sob; I sigh. I am sad. It wasn't a sudden shock, luckily. We knew it was coming. It just sucks to have to wait for someone to die. The waiting is now over. It's over, she's gone.

I just took a minute to let some toxic tears out of my eyes.

Death is a slap in the face. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE. Everyone, everywhere. Today, tonight, tomorrow, the next day, and so on for eternity. Death is inevitable.

Remembering that assuages my senses. I took a cleansing breath. I'm home alone. My parents are "taking care of the arrangements", my brother is at work. I am here, the unemployed. I have my bowl in front of me, it's packed and I'm smoking. I have a box of tissues at my side and a garbage can on the floor near my desk. I am alone, no one will be here for awhile. Alone and reflective.

I just wanted to share.

Mad Ana.

How many times a night am I going to check Blogger? I love your comments - they're my obsession. They make me tick.

I didn't speak with my parents at all after dinner, well actually there was a brief altercation with my mom. I told her it wasn't acceptable (what my dad was saying/how he was acting). I told her to be a role model.

I'm sort of regretting it now, 8 hours later. I am 23 years old. Can I really judge what is acceptable and what is not in a marriage? I feel like I can't, but I want to say that I can.
It's not that I am smarter than her. I just have intuition.

I use "just" a LOT in my writing.

Just realized : )

Look, my throat hurts. I am stressed. I am debating on whether or not to go to this outdoor reception tomorrow. I feel sick. My stomach feels sick and full because about an hour ago I cracked open a can of refried beans. I made a bean burrito and a bean taco. I also snacked on some crackers and hummus (2 or 3 servings). I feel gross. I was doing good but this thing with my parents has got me so sad. And mad. And aggravated.

I can't WAIT to move out. Did I tell you I found a place to live? I. Can. Not. Wait.

August.

Death becomes her.

think thin.

***edit.

[i just want to puke so bad so bad so bad]

Empty Eyes, Eat Less...

No I don't want to try the new template designer- I hate change.

Not true, tonight I straightened my hair and it is soo long! I like :)

My stomach feels sick right now. Today:
B- plain lowfat yogurt with blueberries- 100 cal
L- oven-baked french fries with ketchup- 500 cal
D- Amy's low sodium brown rice/veggie bowl- 340
And later, some chocolate- 330

Total? 1270 for the day.

Not terrible, but no good. And last night before bed I had a veggie burger and some cheese pizza pockets, so I'll add another 500 cal to the day, for my REAL fatass total. 1770.

At least it's under 2000, shit.

It is quarter before one in the morning, and pretty soon I'll be leaving for the bar, yet again. All I do these days is drink real late with my good friend. She works late, so it works out like that. It's fine though, not like I fall asleep before dawn anyway.

I blew some money tonight at Wally World, ahh, it feels good to spend on frivolous shit.
Whatevs, I needed the hair straightener (other was lost in the fire) and I grabbed my Dad a card for Father's Day which is coming up on Sunday. Well no shit, I just glanced at my calendar and saw that it is not this Sunday, but next. Way to be prepared, Sar.

Tomorrow I am going to the city with my other friend S. We are going to dance our booties off at a show. I look forward to the exercise. I will restrict all day, obviously, so I look my best. I am on the prowl. I want to kiss someone. Or fall in love <3

Who am I kidding?

I need to love myself before I can love another, blahblahblahblah. Tis true though. And I DO NOT love myself, not hardly. I can see it happening, maybe, in the future. But today? Nah.

I really can't write/type/blog now. I am keyed up and stressin'.

I just want to mellow out, maybe I'll grab a smoke before I go.

Think thin, people. You only get one body, make it a beautiful, sculpted one.

Nothing will ever taste as good as thin feels. [this one is SO true - live by it]

Empty is strong.

xo

She is so perfect, what a tiny belly.

This last one cracks me up. You guys hear about this? It was from Urban Outfitters, but some citizens were angered by the "anorexia-promoting" message, so it got pulled from the website. I think the color is bland and I would never personally wear it, but I am certainly NOT offended. It's fashion...I guess. I am more offended by men in super tight jeans.

What do you think?

Dagger through the heart.

It's late. It's three-thirty in the morning and tears are quietly and painfully falling down my cheek. Remember T.? Some innocent texts tonight were exchanged between us. Jokes about work. Then my stupid self decides to joke about sex, saying I haven't gotten any...has he? His response, "no, hanging though." My response, "with *someone*?" His response, "yes". 

A girl he "just happened to meet."

I swallowed my heartbreak and sent him well wishes. I mean them. He deserves happiness.

So do I.

I wasn't even thinking of him. We were just casually joking around and I ruined it because curiosity always kills the cat and now look at me, sitting here, slovenly and pathetic.

God, why. Why am I so alone?

Why am I crying?

Oh, T. I really thought I was moving on so successfully. I've been trying. I pushed him to the back of my mind. Like that helps. I need to deal with these emotions head on. Time to delete his number from my cell. No point having it in there. No point at all...

Hello darkness my old friend.

I think I need a glass of wine.

It's almost four and sleep is foreign. Sleep scares me. I won't sleep now. Maybe later, once the sun rises, I'll try.

I wish you could see me. Hell, I just wish you were here. Anyone.

I am sitting on this hard, uncomfortable chair, hugging my legs, crying into the silence, wishing for a loving embrace that I won't get. Wishing for a life that isn't mine. Wishing for love and passion. The unthinkable. The pain, this pain starts in my chest and spreads down my arms, so they feel heavy and alien. My legs, these giant carcasses of ham sprawl out now, their ghastly whiteness makes me sick to my stomach. My stomach, so gross and full of partially digested food, lies dormant underneath my tshirt just waiting for my evil fingers to grab it and pinch the living shit out of my fat, FAT, FAT!

Can you make it better? Can you comment and tell me something like a joke or trivia or good lyrics or just anything really. Just a reminder that the world doesn't stop two inches in front of my face. It extends out, it's ineffable really, and it includes all of you plus so much more. I am a part of more than me. I am more than me. T. is one part of my life that is done. Our happy times will pale in comparison to happy times to come.

Right???!!!

Who the fuck knows. Well, I'm just going to continue playing sad country songs on youtube while prolonging sleep. Maybe I'll stay up all night. Maybe I won't. All I know is that I'm sad right now. I am sick of being alone. Don't I deserve love? Aren't I ready for a relationship? Shit, I don't even have a job right now. I am a broke ass bitch. I hate me tonight.

Fire.

I am writing to you from a friends. Last night my apartment burned down to the ground. I lost everything, except my cat. I saved him and me. That's it, that's all.

I have a killer headache. I'm scared, you guys.
I wish I was making this up, I wish it was all a dream. But when did wishing ever help anyone?

I'll say it again, I lost everything. Isn't that fucking nuts?

How does this happen? Why?

I can't eat. One good thing, I suppose. I literally can't. I had some grapes this morning, and threw them up in Walmarts bathroom.

I don't need food, just sleep, maybe. Or booze. Or weed. I'm dying for a smoke.

Thank God for friends. These people I rarely talk to have come through for me in the most beautiful, unexpected way.

I'm trying to focus on the positives, I really am. It's just really fucking hard right now.

Try or Die.

I feel incredibly angry and delusional. I hate the decisions I make and the choices I choose. I am lazy, self-destructive, and cold. I am heartless at times and too emotional at others. I am me. I am a failure. I am a self-defeating freak.

I am a girl who has never known a healthy, happy relationship.

I have wasted so much time, and I am shortening my life everyday. I smoke, I binge-drink and eat. I am fat. I am stupid.

I hate me.
Where did I go?
I want to jump out the window.
I want someone to tell me I am ok, that I did not ruin everything. I want someone to love me for me, or even like me for me. I wanted T. to see my good side. He only got the bad side.Things are terrible. I have officially turned over to the dark side, concerning him. He will never see me as someone nice, sweet, innocent. Never. He now knows how fucked up I really am, and he hopes I "figure it out". Great. Now he pities me.

I don't pity me. I deserve what I get.
I messed around with a married man a few years ago, I cheated, I've stole and lied. Karma is coming to get me.

The weariness shows in my eyes and forehead.

The candy binges show in my gut.

The smoking shows in my teeth and skin.

At least I've stayed away from fried food lately.

I thought I could write, I can't.

I have nothing more to say. All I want to do is walk into a brick wall, or smash my fist into some glass, or lay down in some cold snow and stay until I freeze into a block of Sar-Ice.
All I want to do is be fucked up. Or just plain fucked. Is it time for emotionless sex? No, maybe not. Hell.

Just, hell.

It is one in the morning and I have class at eight.

Sleep is an impossibility.

If I do sleep I have nightmares.

If I do sleep I wake up alone.

My throat hurts. My heart, well, it feels invisible right now. It should be throbbing, it was...but I think it gave up on me. I gave up on me so I don't blame it. What can I do?

Think thin. Obviously, that's the answer. I want to be thinner. If I am thinner, maybe I will attract more men, and more attention. If I am thinner than maybe my past heartbreaks and disappointments will cease. If I am thinner than maybe I will be happier.

I hope so. I'm going to try. I guess, I mean at this point it's either try or die.

I'm gonna swallow some laxatives and maybe smoke a little more pot than attempt sleep. If sleep does not come than I deserve that, too. Why should I get rest? I can't sleep, fuck it. What to do, what to do.. idk.

T. hates me.

I have no one.

Not even myself, I am lost. I am lonely. I am a childish loser. That's what I called T. tonight, "a fucking loser". God. Why. Why. Why. must I take out my anger and fear on the one I didn't want to lose. Now he is gone. Gone with the fucking wind. And I am gone. And life is gone.

My posts have been unbelievably depressing the last few months, and I'm sorry. But I need help. I have no access to it. Therefore I live a terrible life and blog/complain about it once awhile. I don't know how to end this post. I don't know, you guys. I am just so...sad.

: /

Moods of a March day.

I am here, you are there.

I got my test grade, 68. Out of 100.

I took the test last friday after T. and I's wild, sexy night. I am letting every part of my life slip to the ground. I only care about him. And when he will text me. Or call me. I can't concentrate in class because I am constantly hoping to spot him on campus.

I've become a little obsessed.

I have done nothing exciting today except go to class. I did not pay attention. I came home and facebook stalked T. until I felt slightly mortified at the extent of my actions.
I hate myself.
Earlier, I went to bed to lay down for awhile. Barely slept. Just thought, and wished for the stupid sound of my phone.

Once I realized I wasn't accomplishing anything and sleep wasn't happening, I got up. And ate a bag of microwave "butter light" popcorn. What. The. Fuck!

I hate myself. Did I say that already?
Sorry guys, I was feeling so much more positive yesterday. But today I am pathetic. And bloated...period time, yay.

I am smoking a quick bowl. I am tempted to go to campus for this women's history month presentation. It is in twenty minutes. I know there will be food there, though.

A dilemma.

What to do?

I am interested in hearing the speech, but the idea of eating more is making me sick. I ate lunch already. (Huge salad and mashed potatoes (no gravy obviously) and a few tator tots (no ketchup) and a cookie. Yikes. PLus the popcorn?? I am so gross.

HAte.Hate.HAte.

T. is driving me crazy. His blonde, white-teethed, world-traveling ex-girlfriend is back in the picture. I am fucking pissed and let him have it, because he emailed her! And apparently "misses her" cuz it's "been so long" (she's in a country on the other side of the world) (bitch).

Think what you want. My intuition tells me two things: (1) he is trying to make me feel like shit/how I made him feel (reverse psychology? doubt he's smart enough for that but I digress) because he is jealous of my ex-boyfriend, who came to see me a month ago...or (2) this was his first love and he wants to reconnect in hopes of possibly getting back together someday.

I have no idea if either of these is true. I want to know. But I don't. And can't ask.
We did talk about it. He insists there is not nor will be anything going on. At least not "romantically". Ugh.

I can't even think straight. Oh yeah, I just blazed.

I need to talk about this crazy stuff that is going on in my head. I need to. I have been thinking about suicide. I think about it far too much, it can't be normal. I have no plans. Just thoughts. I feel sick.


I am so completely adhd.

I just got up, looked for my kitten's squeaky ball (it was under a dresser), and began playing with him. I was down on my hands and knees. Then I walked to the kitchen and looked at the dishes. Thought about doing them. Remembered I was typing a blog post. Sat back down. Here I am. Am I crazy? This is my life.

I have another test tomorrow. At eight in the freakin' morning. I'm getting up super early so I am "properly caffeinated," as quoted by my teacher. He's a funny one.

It looks like I'm skipping the talk. Better to be safe than sorry. I can't be around all that food. Not after I just ate. Fuck it. It's only been 5 hours since lunch and I just had to have the popc-- I won't even finish typing that evil, disgusting word.

The sun came out briefly, while I was in bed, I looked at it out the window a few times. I did not go outside. Thinking back, I could have taken a walk in the sunshine. What was I thinking? I ask myself this too much.
I am freaking T. out.

I am freaking me out.

Think thin, people. Let's not aid to the obesity epidemic.

Keep losing weight- it's good for you.

I'm happy it's March...spring is on the way.

Spring clothes; shorts, skirts, dresses, tank tops, bathing suits.
Will I be looking good? Will I be NOT feeling self-conscious in my skin?

I will be 120.
Short term goal: 125 by the end of March. Holding steady there for a couple weeks.
Then it's gonna be 120. Maybe by 4/20/2010 ...

... ha.

I'm serious though. Please, take me seriously. Hold me to this. I'm not fucking around anymore. If I fail at everything else (school, relationships, keeping house) than I might as well succeed at being skinny. It's my only choice. It's the only choice I want, actually. Because I'm scared of change. Hell, sometimes I think I'm scared of success.

Ok, a list before I go. I need to:
1. Do the dishes.
2. Clean the cat's litter area
3. STUDY!!!!! YOU HAVE A TEST IN THE MORNING, STUDY SAR!!
4. Pay a bill or two
5. FIND AN APARTMENT FOR THE SUMMER/FALL
6. Vaccuum
7. Sort laundry, but don't do it : ) Bring it home this weekend! : )
8. Send C's card!!
9. Omg. START PAPER TOMORROW...it is due friday. I can't start it tonight because I need to STUDY!
10. Exercise..do some lunges, you lazy slob. Or some situps, jumping jacks, wall pushups, stretching, or jogging in place.


There. My list feels complete. I can do all of this in the next two days, leaving the rest of the week to focus on my paper. I need to make school a priority instead of T. He cannot be my only reason for life. I do not want to be envisioning my right hand dragging a knife down my left arm. I don't want to go there. I need to do things for me. I need to get this shit done and restrict like crazy until it's a habit.

So this turned long and slightly therapeutic, although I still have this sick knot in my stomach and this pain and heavy ache in my chest, my heart.

I need a hug so badly. I need human contact. I am so alone. I hugged my cat,  he let me for a few seconds, but did not hug back. I need someone to love me.

I guess this is a good place to stop.

Trimming the fat.

Soundtrack: Abbey Road, The Beatles.

Smoking, yes. But of course. I am feeling not-so-skinny today. I started to type "I wish" but there is none of that to be said. I don't wish anything. Wishing is nothing. Wishing does nothing. I need to restrict and work out more, plain and simple. Hang on, I need to refill my water bottle (again). Back. I love cold water, and just read that drinking ice-cold water burns more calories than room temperature water. Makes sense, I guess. Too bad my freezer is too small and incapable of making ice cubes. I get really cold tap water!

I really do like my apartment. I live alone, just me and my cat. So I'm not alone I guess, plus I have neighbors rightnextdoor. The walls are thin. I have this place decorated kind of cute, I mean, you gotta work with what ya have. My place is tiny, with high ceilings luckily, and two tapestries on the walls, and the tiniest kitchen you'll ever see. Seriously I have no counter space. The bathroom is minuscule. There is only one window here...my view? A rooftop and some sky. I love the sky.

Ok, I'm baked. But here's my point. As little and old and yuck this place is, I still like it. Love, no. I am just grateful to have it. A place of my own. Sure, it's paid for by school loans, but I'm doing this. I am proud of myself. I don't ever take the time to admit that to myself. I mostly loathe myself. But I am here to say "Go Sar!". Maybe I'm going to be okay.

And yet, I am obsessed with my body and my looks and food. Oh how I think of these things...all the time.

I'll be trying to sit in class and pay attention and then glance down, it's "body-check" madness for a few seconds, where I suck in and pull down my shirt (discreetly, hopefully), and shift in my chair. I look around at others; girls, guys, I check out everyone to see who is skinnier than me and who I am skinnier than.
Even my teachers are thin. It drives me a little crazy and I lose my focus, which is completely short term anyways, but really this whole equation just equals disaster. For me, for my grades, for my self-esteem. It sucks to be always worrying about how fat you look, sitting in class, of all places. Or at work. Or walking. Or when someone is talking to you. Sometimes a simple, "hello" from a classmate embarrasses me because I feel like they are observing my fatness. It's maddening.

I have been faithfully entering my intake into my Lose it! app on I-pod.
It is helpful, it truly is, to see how easy it is for calories to add the fuck up and reach 1500 before you know it. I hate calorie counting but I have to.

I was forced to go out to dinner, to Applebees, when I went home this weekend. Did you guys know that there is NO nutritional information located ANYWHERE about ANY of Applebees food? It is just a freakin' fact about them. Dammit. I was DYING to know how much calories were in what I got.
Wanna know?
A veggie burger (yes, they have them, look at the bottom of the burger part of the menu and it say's "all burgers except blah blah can be substituted with a vegetarian burger") on a roll with "grilled" peppers, onions, mushrooms and a side salad INSTEAD of french fries (go me!). Ok I know this is terribleTERRIBLE! but I am just now realizing that I did not even get fresh lettuce and tomato...why wouldn't I ask for that?? I love fresh veggies on veggie burgers, and those negative calories help with the overall meal!! Silly, stupid, Sar. Damn!

See the mood shift? ^ All of a sudden I am filled with this crazy nervous tension and it's trying to shoot out my palms and fingers and forehead. Weird. But bottomline? Fuck applebees. They need to display nutritional information, especially because other places are required to do so! Why are they escaping this?? I am freakin' scared of how many calories I digested there. Oh and the side salad? Delish but it came with cheese AND croutons (dressing on side)...I picked off most of the cheese and left most of the croutons; my father stared at me like I had two heads.

We kept talking about food and disagreeing and so much of our damn time is spent eating or talking about food and it's just no wonder I'm this obsessive. *sighs*

I'm a little bummed now.

I hope you all are doing well, and as always, thanks for commenting.
You're beautiful, you really are.
Think thin.

I need to thinspire myself..

Can I just be thinner? 

Still here.

I'm fucking losing it. I think I just had a nervous breakdown. This happens a lot. My body tenses up, I throw something across the room, I slam my hand down on a surface, as hard as possible. I cry. I scream, "God dammit all". I yell at my cat.
I look in the mirror, which fuels my hatred.

I removed T. from my facebook friends. I officially fucking hate that prick. I am miserable. I have been played with. Mentally, I am a mess. Physically, I am a slob. I have school and work today. My apartment is a mess. My banking system is ridiculously inconveniencing. My cat drives me INSANE. My lamp is broken. My heart is mangled. Everything about my life is wrong. Everything about me is flawed.

My neighbors probably think I am nuts. I am nuts. I am losing it.

Here is an interesting correlation: The week I met T. is the week I stopped taking my meds (in October!). It's been downhill from there.

Oh how I hate life. Oh how I hate myself. I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate I hate ME AND MY STUPID LIFE.

Well I did a load of laundry last night. Yay for me. At least my lazy fucking ass did something good.

I am sure you are sick of reading about T. and maybe even thinking to yourself, "dumb sar, doesn't she see that he hates her?" ...well too bad. I need to talk about it, if only briefly.

HE FUCKED WITH MY HEAD SO FUCKING MUCH. OMG. OMG. OMG.
Like asking me to hang out then changing his mind, he's too busy, it's late, he's not sure.

Which of his friends should I fuck? I seriously hate him for making me feel this way and I want to HURT him. I want to HURT myself.

Oh god. Help me.

I am a horrible person. I lie, I steal, I cheat. I don't do simple homework assignments because I'd rather get high. I am going to hell. I think terrible thoughts. I am going to hell. God probably hates me.
Omg. Help me. helpmehelphelpme.

As I sit here typing, I am smoking more pot. I am feeling ugly inside and out.
At least I didn't binge last night.
At least ...what? How can I think happy thoughts when I can't find any? This week has been traumatizing. Last week was equally crazy. I thought 2010 was going to be a good year. Everything is wack.
Everything is unstable, including me.
I don't know what I'm about to do. I am out of control. When I drink I drink so much I black out. When I smoke I smoke all day to forget. To say, fuck it. Fuck the world.

I watched a sad movie about bulimia, "Sharing the Secret". I actually recommend it as thinspo. The main girl was beautifully thin. It's on youtube, in parts...check it out.

Ok today: class.class. lunch with K. (ugh, I might cancel). nap. (hopefully). work. sleep.
Yawn.

My heart hurts. It does. You can't make that up. It either hurts or feels normal. Just like with T, he either likes me or hates me, and he definitely doesn't like me. Maybe he likes men. I conclude that he hates me.

I'm sorry if you feel a little worse after reading these depressing words. I am dying here. I just want to reach out and touch you. I want my ears to stop ringing. I want to get a good night's sleep, without waking up a million times or hearing voices or feeling cold and lonely. I want to be loved. I want my dad to call me once in awhile. I want to have time to call my sister and brothers. Where did my time go? Where did I go? Sar? Helllooooo?????


Think thin. Always.
It is much better to feel satisfyingly skinny.
Thin is in forever.