I screwed up + Bikini thinspo

I just ate soo many chips. I feel sick. What is wrong with me? Oh yeah...disordered eater REPRESENT! It's not funny, it's serious, Sar. God, you're sick. When I say "so many" I mean about 1000 calories worth. I want to puke but I won't. Puking is weak. I'M the one that binged, therefore I SUFFER!!!!!!!!

I was feeling so pretty and thin last weekend, I even had sex, finally. I broke my year-long dry spell. I fucked my best friend's brother. I used to have the biggest crush on him when we were all younger and so much more innocent. He is THIN but SO BUILT. He's in the army. He's super hot and was able to pleasure me. We were going strong for about an hour. I woke up in his bed, naked. My hands cupped my hip bones. I got up when he went to the bathroom and stared at my reflection in his mirror. I liked what I saw.

That was then, this is now. And I'm FAT!!!!!

I just don't understand/I just don't get it/why does food have power over me/why am I so dumb?


I still am not working (surprised?). I read last night that the average time spent unemployed in America is now 21 weeks...aka over 5 months...


I'm not going to go crazy

I'm not going to lose it

I'm not going to go crazy

I'm not going to lose it

I'm not

I'm not

I'm not crazy...

Yes I am.

Crazy for thin bodies.

I need to get my GAME FACE on. I need to hop on the treadmill and work the fuck out to BURN THESE STUPID FUCKING CALORIES! Problem is, I'm too shy to work out when people are in the house, so I'm waiting for my younger brother to go to work. I feel like everyone is on to me. I'm so fucking paranoid.

Think thin*



Please let me not be fat like her:

Yes, she's pretty and everything. Cute shoes.

I'm just saying that I don't look like that (yet).

I'd PREFER this: 

Xo ~ Sar

P.S. Stay strong today and everyday, think thin ALWAYS, and please remember: nothing tastes as good as *thin* feels :)

Screwed up

If you want the truth, if you can handle it, then here it is: today I binged. Horribly. It was a  bad, big, binge.

I counted my calories, obviously. It is midnight and this day from hell (tuesday) is over. I'm wasting space so you can't see this on the reader page. OK. Deep breath. I just figured it out using a calculator, and today, from midnight last night to midnight tonight, I ate 4,025 calories.

An even number. An ungodly amount for sure. I am a fat ass failure. I refuse to purge it up. Puking hurts and I don't deserve to let any of those calories I stuffed in come out. I am going to sit here and think about what I did and why I ate so much today and what the fuck happened here.

I feel physically sick. My stomach is pressing out and my head hurts and I'm thirsty so I'm sipping water and everything is wrong wrong wrong today.

I hate myself right now. HATRED. I can't believe I screwed up so badly today. Never again...

I swear that tomorrow will be better. I swear that I will not mess this all up.

I'm going to listen to some music and smoke a little in my bedroom because I just don't give a fuck. Maybe I'll fast tomorrow, either way, I need a job first and foremost. What if I promised myself not to eat until I've gained employment? That'd really be something. Too bad I'm such a little pussy.

I hate myself right now and there's nothing or no one that will adjust that. I haven't talked to either of my parents. I need the weekend to be here so I can go do something like hook up with a random in hopes of increasing my worth.

Ostracize me. Hate on me. Give me all you've got. I deserve your hell hand-in-hand with my self-inflicted wounds.

Be better than stupid ass me. Be thin. Think thin.

--Sar--

Ache.

I'm feeling really depressed. If one more thing goes wrong I may just pop. I binged tonight and I hate myself for allowing binge foods in my apartment. I bought things like cookie dough and microwavable pizzas. I ate so much, and then I ate one laxative. I really should just puke but I don't have the energy.

I deserve to suffer with this fat stomach of mine. I deserve to hate myself all day tomorrow for tonight's recklessness. I am so behind in school. I am losing it.

Get me the fuck out of here, will you? I need change, I need help, I need guidance. I'm falling.

I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me I hate me.

Yell at me please. Hurt me with your words.

Halloweener

Were you good? I avoided candy all weekend until I got home last night. I binged on a few "mini" candies (mini snickers, mini skittles, mini starburst, mini whoppers). Yes, I know. Disgusting. Thank the good Lord it's over but ladies this is just the start of the Holidays. Goody.

My stomach is full and I am sure I will be using the bathroom shortly. I will be fasting today to make up for last night's candy binge. It's getting easier to go long periods of time without eating. I did it Friday. Friday I was so hungry I was shaking. I ended up going home for the weekend.We partied! Both nights! So I suppose my booze intake counts but I am mostly concerning myself with limiting "solid food stuffs".

It's a little before eleven in the morning and I am having a hard time waking up/putting together a clear thought. I took some Advil PM last night so I could sleep soundly. I slept ok, but with vivid dreams and I did wake up a few times, only to roll over and pass back out. But whatever. I don't exactly feel rested but I don't feel UNrested either. Ugh. This is a boring post.

Time for some smoke then.

I'm not going to push myself super hard today. I lost a lot of sleep over the weekend so today's goals are thus: Attend one and only class.
Unpack from the weekend/get organized.
Avoid food.
Clean up a little.

There, that's not bad. It's nice knowing the craziness won't start until tomorrow. Today is J.'s birthday. Maybe  I'll see him, maybe I won't. We hung out twice last week. That's enough about him. I am trying like hell to "forget him".

***************************************************

I think the reason I like blogger so much is because I feel literally connected to others (you). It gets lonely living alone. I like hearing from you. I miss having close friends. It was great seeing my girls this weekend but the distance really does wedge a hole between us. We're not as tight as we have been. But I understand my situation is temporary. Soon I will be back in the area. Soon. Six weeks and I'm a graduate. Sexy.

Of course there were pictures. My friend put some up on facebook from Friday. Haha I was a "school girl" and my legs look slim in the pictures. My arms and stomach need toning.

I am a work in progress. I have not been happy with my body in a long time. I was thinner a year and a half ago, before I started purging. Isn't that odd? I see the pictures and feel sure that I was thinner then. I am done comparing. It was me, I'm me today. I hate my body but doesn't everyone? I just want to be better/look better/feel better so I'm going to keep on keeping on.

I'm going to try to be thinner like really really TRY. I just need and want to stop hating myself. Once I look better I know that I'll end the sabotage I pound into my head through words. Once I am thinner everything will be better.

How cliche I am. What's happened to me?

Welcome to November.

Let's make this a good month.

Let's make this a good day.

Fasting is easy if you tell yourself how strong you are for staying in control.

Think thin*

xo~Sar

Help : /

I've been bad. I've been binging. The scale is evil and the number gets higher every day. Is it me? Am I really fucking shit up this bad? Yes, I think so.

I feel horrible. I don't know how to get back in control. Ready for today's food list? Here it is, starting last night around midnight:
Tortilla chips with salsa and guacamole. [600]
Bagel with cream cheese. [350]
2 cookies. [200]
Bite of a nut covered brownie. [75]
1 slice of bread with egg salad, cheese, lettuce, folded over to make a sandwich. [200]
I slice of bread with peanut butter. [190]
Doritos (lots). [375]
Salad with tomato, onion, mushrooms, small amount of mozzarella and dressing. [150]

Total calories for Monday, up until 4 PM... 2140

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is WAY worse than I thought, and it's only going to get shittier...why, you ask? BECAUSE I AM BEING FORCED TO GO OUT TO DINNER WITH MY FAMILY. FUCKFUCKFUCKSHITASSCUNTDAMNDAMNDDAMNITALLLLLLLL!

Oh my god. And we're going for Mexican.

You know what guys? I have been eating way more than 2000 calories every day. I calorie count on a post it note on my lap top. I am a big fat failure. I am SO disappointed in myself. I eat so much lately. I eat until I feel like I'm going to puke, but then I don't puke. I just... go to sleep and hope to feel thinner in the morning. Isn't that fucked up? I feel so sick right now, I am so sick and sad and ashamed and I haven't even been blogging for crying out loud.

I have no motivation. I am depressed. I feel like an outsider wherever I go and I keep thinking about T. (fucking still!) and all I really want to do is go purge but I just don't WANNA!

I am SO SICK of all this.

I am SO SICK of worrying about this STUPID FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

I am FAT AND I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you want to know what the scale fucking told me when I weighed myself today?

138


I think that is my highest weight. EVER.

There are no words to describe the self-loathing.
I want to die.
No I don't.
I want to be thin.

And I won't give up on this.

I juSt nEEd to GeT baCk on TRAck!!!!!!!!!!!

Starting now.
I'm going to make a cup of laxative tea.
Then, I'll shower.
Unfortunately after that I must go get my mom from work so we can meet my dad and brother for a family dinner. Yay. Here's hoping more chaos does not ensue.

God save me.

Fail before Four.

I'm sick of Sar. Self-hatred doesn't get me far but good Lord I am fucking disgusting today. I ate a frozen pizza, 3 servings, total calories 690. It was a store-brand veggie frozen one. I left the crusts. Then I wanted something sweet, because fatties like me crave dessert after every meal, even breakfast. I grabbed the bag of chocolate Oreos, the jar of organic peanut butter, and a napkin. I filled a cup with some water and sat down in front of my lap top. I scarfed down at least eight oreos dipped in pb. I drank some water. It is 2:45 PM and I am done eating for the day, absolutely, positively FINISHED.

My eating habits are so *f u c k e d.

I don't know how to be normal, what is normal? Would a normal person eat half of the pizza and save the rest for later? I don't know, for I am crazy. Clearly.

I don't know what to do with myself, I wish I could make a move. I contemplate walks, naps, movies, books, homework for my summer class. Nothing sounds good. Eating doesn't even sound good at all, which makes sense, considering the MASSIVE MEAL I just ate. Pizza and cookies...lovely, Sar.

I just stepped on the scale, that evil demon. 138. Isn't that just.perfect.?!? God damn it all. What the hell. I should really just go puke. But I won't because I don't want to. I hate throwing up, honestly. I don't deserve that relief. I picked out the food. I cooked it and ate it and enjoyed the tastes while I was experiencing them. I am a fat cow now. I am such a fat lazy fuck.
I understand that weight fluctuates but seriously that's a lot of pounds.

Oh, I am so full. My stomach is pressing out and I am just feeling so full and I want to feel empty and I really just hate hate hate myself I hate Sar I hate me I hate hate hate it all.

I miss P.D. Alice & 1:10. Come back ya'll.

I am such a failure today. Goodbye for now.

I'm sick.

I just binged on a can of refried beans (ate with tortilla chips, salsa, cheese, tomatoes, and lettuce). Then I made a taco. Then I purged. This is after I also binged on some licorice and half a cinnamon roll. There is no way I got it all. I know because I stopped myself. I was in there for like 40 minutes but it just takes me so damn long. Because it's two in the morning and I was trying to be quiet and my parent's house is silent and I could just picture my mom waking to me retching and knocking on the door to see if I'm ok. I'm not. Obviously. I am fucked in the head.

I hate binging but I hate purging even more. I feel bloated and disgusting still. I am sure I got maybe a quarter of it out, but that's nothing. Not a thing.

What a fuck-up, whatta failure.

I want to puke my brains out. It's all still there, I know it. I just want to puke and puke until there is nothing left. Only air. Why did I eat? I was doing so damn good today.

I guess it's because I went to the store tonight, and there were so many overweight people. I mean seriously. To see someone skinny is to see a miracle. So maybe I wanted to feel "normal" - whatever that is. Maybe I wanted to see how much food I could choke down tonight, because I know I won't be eating tomorrow before, during, or after the concert I am going to. Maybe I am just selfish and ridiculous.

What a day. I had been starving and daydreaming about food for hours, and then broke down. I blame my parents. They are both overweight and I feel so damn skinny next to them, like that makes it ok to eat. It fucking doesn't. I need to grow up.

I need to think thinner.

I don't dare check the scale until tomorrow.

Lots of water tonight, and maybe a little sleep.
At least I know I won't be able to stomach anything tomorrow.
God, I'm so pathetic right now.
I just want to be thinner. I just want to be strong.


Peace : /

xo-Sar

think thin!!!
*everything is fine as long as I'm getting thinner*

I love her arms.

And thighs.

Mine will be smaller though.

I am not okay.

Things are far from wonderful. I am sick now. Little food and sleep will eventually do that. I have a headache from crying endless tears.

T. is driving me crazy (surprise, surprise).

I don't even know what to say right now. Everything is a mess. School might just kill me. I have a paper due on Friday that I have not started. All my teachers just expect me to be fine, well I am not. I am alive, sure. But not fine.

Today I ate: cottage cheese with mixed berries. vegetable soup. 2 slices of wheat bread (80 cal each) dipped in the soup. an apple. an orange.
Total cals? About 750?? That's a guess..

That's it, and I feel huge. I hate food. I did some walking today, some yoga yesterday. Ha, yesterday was 4/20 and I smoked lots.

Then I started feeling sick, and here I am. Feeling sick, feeling tired. Feeling unloved. Feeling unlucky.

I can only express myself in certain ways. The rage inside is too much, at times, and I do believe it scares people.

Ughhh I just want to die, or melt away, or disappear, or SOMETHING.
PLEASE MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!!

All I am doing is complaining, you probably hate me.

I hate me.

I hate everything right now. The only thing that sounds even remotely good is smoking some weed and going to fucking bed. I am hopeless. My life is hopeless.

Where did my enthusiasm go? Where is my ambition and will to live?

Gone. It's all fucking gone, because I got myself too hooked on T. again and he is aware and pushing me the fuck away. This happens a lot. I hate me, did I already say that?

I look so ugly right now: puffy, red eyes from crying and napping with my contacts in. fat face. bloated but hungry belly.

Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.

Please.

Maybe Ana will.


because, as always, I am thinkin' thin. So should you!

I am really disappointed in myself for eating today.

Sugar makes me FAT.

Ugh, I'm in a weird mood. I ran out of weed last night, and today has been dragging. I rearranged shit so I could work tonight, instead of this afternoon like I usually do. I did this because (1) I was really tired this morning and thought a nap would help and (2) I am almost positive that T. closes tonight, enabling us to work together : )
I am so manipulative. For all I know he switched out and I'm going to feel like an ass. The lies just roll of my tongue, it's scary, "I have a test friday (true) so I'm meeting with a study group" (way false)...Like, I said, I just hope all this plotting and planning doesn't backfire on my ass.

So anyway, it's 5:40 and I don't have to be there until seven. I want to smoke soo bad. Isn't that silly? I am very addicted to marijuana. I even texted my neighbor, desperately, in hopes that she'd smoke me up. I can hear that she has company though, so that may not happen.

It's alright. I can do this. Sigh. Who am I kidding? I just took a resin hit. So this day is no longer technically smoke-free. It's a start though.

Why oh why am I rearranging my life to see T? He certainly isn't doing it for me. He left last weekend, he's leaving this weekend. I work all weekend, but still. Doesn't he want to see me? We met for coffee and talked last night. I hate myself. At first I wasn't feeling it at all, than I was slowly sucked in by his words and the quasi-truth I was hearing with my ears.

He is uncertain about me.
I am uncertain about him.

I am fat today. So fat. I hate it. I didn't have breakfast, went to one class, skipped the next, than went and got a slice of cheese pizza (??!!??) from the dining hall, and ate it with bleu cheese. See what not smoking does to me!? I lose it!
Then I came home and had some pretzels dipped in salsa, string cheese, and dried cherries. Holyfuckingshit. All would be just fine if I didn't binge yesterday and earrrllllyyyy this morning (like 12:30-1 am). I had licorice and a granola bar and frozen veggies with cheese : ( Also, yesterday afternoon I had a donut)

Isn't that all so disgusting? What the hell is wrong with me? I know...I am miserable and confused and stressed and worried about school and constantly scared that T. is liking other chicks. I am distressed and binge when I want to and have the money and time. I hate myself right now, for not exercising at all today or yesterday.

The best I can do is smoke cigarettes in a pathetic attempt to boost my metabolism. Fuck.

Idk, Idk.

What to do? I wanna blaze. I want to be all pretty for work though, so I guess it's time to face the mirror. Ugh. Hate that.

Ever feel so confused that you put off making any kind of decision, and before you know it you're sitting in a classroom staring down at a blank test with no clue of any semblance of an answer? That's gonna be me, friday, if I don't get my ASS in GEAR.

Stop making a fool of yourself, Sar. Lose weight you fat fucking pig. You really need to. Don't you just hate how tight all your clothes are? This morning nothing looked good on you because you're FAT FAT FAT.

I gotta end this. I need to do something. I am freaking out. I am blasting Amy Winehouse. I miss you and your comments. I miss feeling needed. I miss T. Am I going to see him tonight? Will it be ok? Ahhh!!!!

Think thin. Please offer any advice on ignoring sugar or carb cravings, I'm dying here!

Eating on Autopilot to Fill the Hole Where My Heart Should Be.

I binged uncontrollably today. Let me recap:
Woke up in T.'s arms : ) but he was leaving! : (
He dropped me off at home early, around 9 am. I was hungry & slightly hungover, bad combo. I decided to get some fast food breakfast. BIG mistake. I went to Dunkin' Donuts & ordered an egg/cheese on english muffin (320 cal) & some hashbrowns. I brought my ipod with me to calculate the calories and they were enormous! 200 for the hashbrowns...fuck. They were greasy and tasty...a dangerous mix.
So anyways, I scarfed down my breakfast and was thinking of getting more food before I was even finished eating it. I couldn't decide. I wanted a bagel so bad. But I just couldn't...I couldn't eat that white bread & cream cheese however much I desired it. I couldn't justify it in my head. Here is where I don't make any sense. I wouldn't eat a freakin' bagel, but I WOULD drive across the street to Taco Bell and order a fresco bean burrito (330)?? That's what I did, and it took forever, and I thought about just throwing it out by the time it was given to me. But NO. I was a machine. I tore off half the burrito and left a bite or two, but that barely cancels out the calories. I felt full, but not full enough. THANK THE GOOD LORD I lit up a cig & drove home, for sleep.

So T. is gone and I had the day to do whatever and of course after I woke from my nap I decided to go shopping! Oh joy. I had a gift card (for a local grocery store). Coulda used it on beer or something, but NO I decided to indulge my eating disorder and buy some food ::sigh::
I'll just break it down...veggie chips & sour cream dip, sugar free york chocolates, veggie burger with tomato & mustard, cauliflower & cheese frozen thingie, rice cakes & gummy candies.

O.M.G.

Yes I ate all of that today/tonight. I wasn't going to blog about it, but I am glad now that I did. Seeing all of that right in front of me is making me sick to my fucking stomach. I am a pig. I am bloated so much right now, my stomach literally hurts. What is wrong here? Who does such things? Where is the button in my brain that STOPS me from eating so much? or so fast? I feel like such a failure. I woke up today feeling thin, T. left. I am depressed when I am not around him. So I eat. I still have no clue what is going on this week/new years with us. My life is so fucked up right now.
I hope he calls tonight like he said he would.
I am leaning on him far too much.
I need help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just helped myself to some thinspo. Gorgeous bodies! I think it totally helps to look, I am about to start a thinspo notebook..I have tons of magazines..should be easy to rip out pages of thin models/celebrities. Think thin!

Self restraint is key!

~* .I need to practice the Art of Self Restraint. *~

-Going to walk for an hour or so. I just ate some laxies, which is rare around here. I don't like swallowing pills. I take 2 pills every single day. Isn't that weird? 2 prescribed pills: Yaz & Zoloft. The sad thing is that I can't just stop taking them, my body will go nuts and I will be moody as hell as my hormones shift and my seratonin levels bottom out. I hate taking these pills. I am not even having sex! I am not depressed, I am just, I don't know, but Zoloft is not doing it's job. If it was then why am I so numb? Why so indifferent? Why so detached? I rarely even talk to anyone anymore, and when I do it's awkward!!

Walking. Now. Sar. Stop. Smoking. Stand. Up. Walk. Walk. Walk.

I'm scared of what I might do..

What is wrong with me??

I just ordered a large veggie pizza. It will be here in twenty minutes. I am telling myself right now to stop eating after two slices. If I do this right, it will last me for the next few days, and then I won't have to buy junky campus food. In all honesty, I know that an emotional binge is coming on. I guess it's because one my (kinda close) friends S. is choosing to NOT spend my birthday with me; she is going to a concert instead, that she "can't miss". It bothers me, I'm not going to lie. I think she is being selfish. Or am I selfish for assuming one of my friends would want to see me/ take me out for my birthday? Probably, it's just me. I just don't get people. R. has basically ignored/avoided me since last week when he came over and got smoked up. wtf. My family is um... should I say depressing? I love them, but the tension is all consumming. Sometimes I think I feel more than others. I feel like I take on other's pains sometimes, maybe I am just super empathatic. Or maybe I am just distracted.

Either way a pizza is coming. With a side of bleu cheese. At this point I will never have to discipline to become vegan. Fuck my life.

On a positive note, I went to both classes today. No skipping this week.

Today I ate: salad, veggie stirfry and rice, cookie - lunch. organic z bar, dairy queen mocha "moo latte" (minus whipped cream)- dinner. Now pizza. What the FuCk!!!??

What a pig. Way to pig out on junk food you OINKER!!! Oh my, this blog is slowly turning very self-deprecating. Poor me. / not. I need to grow the fuck up. I am about to turn 23 yet I have the smarts and wits as a 16 year old.

[pray I don't eat half of this pizza]

[love]

[peace]

[think][thin]

Fail.

Today has been the worst day. I started out right, by sleeping very late and then eating two bananas and some weight control oatmeal. I should have stopped there. I wanted to stop there. Except, in the apartment above mine a new carpet was being nailed down. This means all day long I was listening to banging and stomping and loud noises. My head still hurts... I wanted to escape and go spend money I don't have. So I drove to the grocery store. My credit card was burning a hole in my wallet. I have been using it sooo much haha, and here is why I am a pathetic waste of life: I buy food, stuff my face, then purge. What. the. fuck. Here is what I ate : bulk candy, a "guiltless gourmet" microwavable wrap, watermelon, and 3/4 of a whole grain baguette (dipped in butter). I am such a fat ass. I did everything wrong. I should have ate the watermelon first. But I ate it last. So of course throwing up any of that disgusting, carb-filled bread was an IMPOSSIBILITY. I am so mad at myself. I am so weak. I am terribly lazy. I have packed nothing for the big move tomorrow. God, I hate myself right now. I couldn't even purge right. The only thing that came out was the watermelon, figures..the healthiest thing comes out. The bread stays in. AHHHHH.

I need to be thinner. I need to stop this "omg I need to eat" thought process. Honestly I WASN'T EVEN HUNGRY this afternoon when I got back from the store. I hate you, bulimia. I truly do. I am now finally figuring out the fact that throwing up is not going to make me thinner. It is just making me feel SICK. So here I am, sitting here feeling awful; I tried purging for a good 30 minutes and FAILED.

I hate me.
I hate food.
I hate me.
I hate food.

I especially hate FAILING AT LIFE. I can't even fucking puke, for god's sake. I need to FAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now I have all this food here! Because I spent another $30 today that I DON"T HAVE. My credit card bill is going to be through the roof....if only half of the food I bought actually stayed in my body.

No food for the rest of the night. None. No excuses.

Remember Sar, how you feel right now. Worthless, FAT, full, FAT, disgusting, FAT, weak, broke, and FUCKING FAT.

Eating did this. Damn food. I hate you I hate you I hate you Ihateyou.

I am gritting my teeth, my muscles are tense. I need to scream.

Eric Clapton Unplugged.

Hey, today is the day, I have a hair appointment at 2 pm..yay! No I cannot afford it, but I desperately want to liven up my look, so highlights should do the trick. I have so much shit I should be doing, it is terrible. I am lazyyy. Oh to be internally motivated. I rely on devices such as pipes. I went grocery shopping last night and spent $40. I got a lot..but not a ton, I just like the healthier, pricier food. Amy's organic tv dinner, weight watchers 90 cal cookies (ha), bananas, body lotion, tp, whatev. It's all just stuff, isn't it? Stuff to eat or use. If I never ate I would save so much money.

I need to clean this place so bad, I am living a sloppy life. Right now I am sitting here wearing only a thong and tee. I need to be reminded of these thighs though..fuck, they are flabby. Gross. If that is not motivation right there, then what is? I haven't touched my guitar. I haven't worn ANY of the clothes that I've bought recently. The two skirts I bought honestly don't fit right. They are tight. I feel like I keep rhyming, but I ain't no rapper, word.

If you were wondering yes I am high right now. My writing is scatter-brained. I am nervous about taking the blonde plunge. I like my brown hair, it is comfortable. I suppose stepping outside of my boundaries is potentially scary. Seriously, Sar. Get a grip, it's just hair. I just have these worries, I don't want to damage my hair by the bleach; it is a genuwine concern and I have to ask, what the fuck? I am lost. I don't know what I am saying. I am just moving these fingers in short directions, quickly and tediously. I should remove my half off toenail polish, perhaps that will jumpstart my morning.

What I ate yesterday:
1 Amy's vegan dinner (290 cal)
1 ww oatmeal raisin cookie (90 cal)
couple handfuls of candy corn (300 cal?)
2 sargento light string cheeses (50 cal each)
1 bag light popcorn (275 cal)

Ugh... Right now I am eating a banana. Hopefully today will be a real good day.