I blame the American Dream.

Oh it's been bad.
I have been religiously entering every calorie into my I-touch app, "Lose it". It is and it isn't helping. It has helped by making me more aware of how food adds up. I am scared to fucking death of getting to 2000/cal a day (I am allowed 1,061). It seems like every day I go over, but not by much, and there is a bright red bar that shows my naughty progress. I can't describe it, just get it! I want to lose weight, oh my god, I need to. I will keep up with this!!! If I lost two pounds a week I could be on my way to /a c t u a l l y/ achieving something.

It is hard though. Today my parents came and of course the first thing they wanted to do was get lunch. The very first thing! So we went and got chinese food, and now I am freaking out. I ate mixed vegetables (mostly broccoli & all cooked in some greasy sauce), mushrooms in "brown sauce", small amounts of lo mein & fried rice, a piece of fried eggplant, half a sugar cookie, 2 cling peach slices, 2 pieces of cut up melon, umm....that's it. And that is a shitload. I am sickened MOSTLY because i am a vegetarian!!!! Hello Sar!?!? I knew NONE of the ingredients. I am sure now that I ingested beef or chicken juice or whatever the fuck they cook it with. A salad wasn't even an OPTION there, I am fucking disgusted. I should have known better, what kills me is that I had the choice! I could have picked somewhere else to go! But I was exhausted and NOT HUNGRY IN THE SLIGHTEST when they got here, and so what happens? I let them choose.
The crack-like smells and colors wafting from the damn buffets called to me, they tugged at my shirt and whispered shyly in my ear, "eat me". So I did. To please my parents.

It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't binge Friday night. I went to McDonalds at two in the morning for a order of french fries (small, thankfully). Omfg. So salty, and yet, not satisfying. I (like a real winner) drove to the only other fast food place in this town to still be open, Tim Hortons. I got an egg salad wrap and a boston creme donut. I ate them. They were both bland, tasteless, not worth it, etc. I didn't purge. I went to sleep. (And then woke up to a buffet)...fml.

Sorry for all the caps locks I am just incredibly frustrated with myself. I got my period a week early; I have been acting grumpy and isolating myself from everyone, including T.
I hate myself for making T think that I am nutso. I am doing it on purpose, it scares me because it is also slightly automatic. I tried to explain it to him. I didn't try hard enough though. He misunderstood. Or maybe he understood, but focused on other things. I am acting like a jealous freak. I accused him of wanting to be with his ex-girlfriend. I don't blame myself for acting so foolish, I blame my experiences.

I hurt. I finally went to the counseling center on Thursday; I broke down. I was supposed to go back the next day, in order to start an immediate chain of visits, but I called ten minutes before and rescheduled. I am putting it off, once again.

Listen to "High and Dry" by Radiohead sometime. It is a wonderful song.

I feel so bloated from the sodium of the past two days. I have been chugging water. I have peed like ten times. Sorry Tmi...

I miss blogging. This blog has changed from the very first entry to now. I started it almost two years ago and I was in a totally different place. I have changed so damn much; I am a shell of a person, a work-in-progress, a mind's eye & an inner voice.

I just want to be thinner. I am really tempted to post some pics. I am just really self-conscious.

I am high and I lost my direction. School...no words really, well failure comes to mind. Ha! I am in college and I am not smart enough to be here. There, I said it. It sucks but the truth hurts. I have no ideas in mind, no plan for the future, no escape route, nothing. I want a plan, I want a purpose. What can it be? Ideas anyone?

I have nothing else. I am lost. I am alone. I am cold and fat. I have to stop myself from wishing that I could go back to my youth. I am 23 and can't quite believe it. I remember being in elementary school...I remember it and long to relive it. I long for its simplicity. I long for an innocent, cloud-free mind.
I am falling down, I need my reflexes to kick in and save me. I hope I make it.


LOve tO yOu.

~Sar~

Stay Strong Today,
& Tomorrow Will Be Better!!!!!!!!

Think thin : )

Smoke sesh & ruminations.

A lot has been going on! Days have been flying by and my weight has been fluctuating, as usual.
First, I met someone last Saturday at work! T. is tall *a plus*, dark, and handsome. AND over a year older than me!!! This is ideal, and he is nice. We have texted every single day since then. We chilled outside of work as well. The downside? We work together. He just broke up with his girl...ex-girl now. And I don't know when, exactly. And I don't want to be a rebound fling!!
Sigh. It's not like I am ready for a relationship. I am scared to death of commitment and maintaining close relationships. I have no self esteem, ha. The idea of a stranger touching me in a sexual, naked kind of way just makes me shiver and blush. I am too nervous now. I have been off my meds for over a week (zoloft); I think I might be crazy as fuck, or close to it. Also, my body is not perfection. Not even close.

So last night he texted me telling me he thought I was beautiful, "in terms of looks and personality". I am not sure what to think. I know that guys are generally more straight forward, so maybe there is no extra meaning. Maybe he is attracted to me? The me inside? Scary. I feel like a badass next to him. I have done countless drugs and encountered some extremely adult experiences. Shit. He is older but younger. I don't know, I don't even know him. How can I judge him? We only "talk" through texts. What is that? What was this world of dating like without text messages??

So we went to the bar last night. I had previously pregamed with some friends; drinking, smoking, blowing lines, etc.- the norm with K. So I was out of mind, then I met up with T. and took a shot and drank a beer. After everything else? I don't know how I walked. I don't know how I talked. All I remember doing is flirting with every guy there, well not every guy...but G. (who I previously hooked up with, aka huge d!c&) and A. Muahaha I was all over A. But I was there with T. and I left with T.

This is starting to sound like a math problem. Fuck it.

Bottom line? I drank so much I puked this day away. Down to the acid. Oh it hurt, and it still hurts. But I couldn't eat or keep water down. Finalllllly I ate some brown rice and green beans. LoL..that just sounds ridiculous. But it is what I had in the house. When hungover, I crave the good stuff, like blueberry pancakes, ice cold orange juice, anything with carbs really. My body was depleted of nutrients and when I finally started to feel hungry again I just didn't want to stop at the healthy stuff.. So I left in search of dinner.

This. Gets. BAD.
I drove to DD's and got a wonderful egg white veggie flatbread and a skim latte.
(I was craving breakfast food)

I shoulda coulda woulda stopped there. But you know me.
I drove to Taco Bell and ordered a fresco bean burrito and a water. I sat in my car and devoured it. Oh my God. At this point I was on autopilot; at this point I was fucking blind. I justified my actions, "Egg whites and beans are important and good for me". Ha! It doesn't even end now.
Nope, no happy ending here, folks.
I am literally laughing out loud: I drove to McDonalds...WTF? I got a MEDIUM french fry with ketchup!!!!! WTFwtfWtF?
I drove home, kicking myself, feeling like a gluttonous elephant, feeling no control over my world, just feeling like shit.
But somehow, I brightened. Probably because my stomach was at least empty when I started. I could have gotten more, drove somewhere else, but I stopped myself. I mean, please don't get me wrong: stopping at three (3) fast food places is absolutely terrible and useless, not to mention the money spent on junk food could have been spent on a new belt. Or cute knee socks. Or even earrings. I am just happy I didn't go for a donut, which I definitely thought about. Small victory.

Since I am being so open, I am going to go in for the kill. At work, on my break, I got an egg salad sandwich. Do you hate me yet? How could I fail like this?? All the time... I know that none of us are pathetic and desperate. And yet we all succomb to tempation with little to no regard of the consequences! I can really only speak for myself. I just know that I read your blogs! And I feel like we are all riding this wave, sometimes hitting the peak and floating weightlessly across the world, and sometimes rough, choppy bottom waters bounce us around unpredicatably. All I know is that my cravings get intense and sometimes I really just need to satisfy them. I wanted eggs today, apparently. Note to self: get egg beaters.

I cannot believe how much I ate today. Let's review the list:
1 cup of brown rice (170)
green beans (85)
egg white flatbread (300)
fresco bean burrito (350)
french fries (450)
egg salad sandwich (325)
latte (150)
*approximate calorie counts* Total for today: 1830 calories holyshit. But not too bad...considering.....I purposely got the advertised "healthier" option at DD's & TB. The fries were just a comfort thing.

Well I have rambled on enough. I worked late tonight, I haven't ate since that sandwich, and now it is time to sit back and relax with my bowl and my cat.

Stay strong, all. I will too.
**Peace**

Think thin.

Granola..it is so good!! But so fattening : ( Why are the good things in life usually terrible for you? I mean, it could be worse, and it is: I am a candy freak, it's true. I love candy/chocolate. There, I admit it. So where do I go from here? I think about it constantly, especially at work. Ugh, I am thinking about all of this because I am headed to work in an hour. Last time I was there I bought a donut, and Good-n-Plenty. Omg! Why is everyday a binge? Can I please work today without craving sweets hardcore?? Can I please leave that place without making a PURCHASE?!

So here I am, smoking, many things clogging my head; I can't make up my mind and I don't know what my next move should be. I feel like showering, I would like to rearrange furniture, the dishes need to be done, I need to prepare for work, the cat litter needs to be changed...all of this springs to mind when I am trying to make a decision!

I guess I should get off the damn computer and think of a solution here, lol, I am ridiculous... I can see it in these words. I gotta keep on the move or I am so fucking detached.

I sprung on a really cute fall jacket last night! I love it : ) My next purchase will be a hat. I am not really a hat person (I truly think I look funny) but I need to buy a cute fall hat. It just seems like the right thing to do.

^Proof that I have ADD. Where did that even come from? I was going one way and now I'm back and I really should just mention that I haven't purged in over a week. I keep wanting to though, it's the strangest thing. Last night the vomit literally rose up in my throat. But I kept it down. I don't want to puke. It hurts too much. That one headache it gave me kind of...changed my approach.

Lots of love to you readers:*

Think thin.