Faceless.

It's after midnight and I'm contemplative and restless. I want to shower, have a smoke, clean a little, go somewhere; I want to do everything but only half-heartedly. I lack the gusto, I suppose, to really make the move tonight.

Must be all that dancing. I happily danced my ass off last night. I did eat though. I was trapped; I arrived at my friend's place and first we smoked a blunt, which was fine...but then everyone started talking excitedly about dinner and grilling and I felt sick inside. I knew I had to eat at least one thing. I told myself that would be okay, because all I had up to that point was the other half of the cinnamon roll (nasty-sugary-fatty) and 1 1/2 slices of toast. 

So I ate a grilled "tofurkey" "sausage", whatever the fuck that is. Actually it was okay, I did NOT see the nutritional facts unfortunately but I'm sure a quick net browse will solve that. I ate it on a (white) hot dog bun, with mustard and some grilled onions and peppers. *Sighs*

I was the skinniest girl there, but definitely one of the tallest. I always feel big. Am I though? Fuck if I know, my distortion is extremely skewed. Not just my perception of myself but my perception of others is off-kilter. I at least know, though. I am not in denial.

Anyway. Later last night once we were home from the concert, which was awesome, by the way, I SPLURGED and ate 2 slices of oven-cooked cheese pizza (guessing 700 calories) and some gummy rings. 

Yes I'm a pig. I know this. I hate myself for reaching for the second slice. K. urged me to...I am so fucking fed up with people trying to get me to eat. 

I guess I'll comfort myself with the fact that if I was overweight, no one would be offering me food. Well maybe someone, some perverted fuck like me who likes to watch fat people eat. It always succeeds in making me eat a little less...ha.  And last night I watched a couple of the girls I was hanging with shovel down pints of Ben and Jerry's (not that I haven't done it, but after all that drinking? no thanks) PLUS the pizza..

Disgust. I really need a shower.

It's time to get honest about today:

Breakfast - Tim Horton's black coffee and donut.

Lunch - Baked potato with salsa/cheese, salad, some fruit/trail mix.

Snack- More gummy candy. More licorice.

Dinner - Pan-fried potatoes and onions (sauteed in olive oil, at least - my bro made it)

And luckily that day is officially over and I am full. I ate too much, way too much today. In my (tiny) defense, my body craved nutrients after a night of drinking (beer and wine, more calories there- wonderful).

But still, candy, a donut, and something fried ALL in ONE day??

That is ridiculous. Positively mad. I am an alien.

I am out of control, or maybe not. Maybe I am really IN control but I just don't know it.

I got my tarot cards read last night.

Interesting...they basically "said" (according to the girl that read them) that I "withhold" a lot (yes) and that I struggle with being "fair". I don't know. Maybe it's a crock.

I could relate to it though. The whole thing about being fair could have to do with my eating habits. I try to be fair to my body, by not eliminating nutrients completely, by resting it, by keeping clean and somewhat healthy, etc...but I also need to be fair to the skinny goddess inside.

It's a constant conflict and I'm stuck in the middle.

I need to rest my eyes (see, there's me being fair again).

Think thin.

Do NOT add to the obesity epidemic. It is seriously out of control here. I hate it. It's not exactly rocket science (staying in shape) so why can't people NOT weigh over 200 pounds? What. The. Fuck.

I'm sorry but that's just gross. I've said it before and I'll say it again: don't be fat. Be thin. Be the skinniest in the room. Be thinspirational. Be lovely. Be you, just the best you.

I'll be me, only the skinniest me possible. Because it's fun to be thin. I saw some super skinny girls at the bar last night (it's weird how there is skinny, skinnier, the skinniest) and I stared with envy, unashamed, because they were gorgeous. Guys want to hug and touch them. Scratch that, everyone wants to touch them, because skinny is cute and hot and small and touchable. It is ideal to be thin in our faceless world.

Don't Eat Yet.

Good day. It is almost two o'clock in the afternoon and all I've eaten is cottage cheese with strawberries and blueberries. It is a small portion. I barely have an appetite. It's different, all of a sudden I just lost the hunger. I am okay with it, actually, because I am clearly losing weight. Bones, bones, and a nicer face because some of the fat has melted away. Seeing myself on Tv really showed me that I have a fat face. I have always thought it, but was never absolutely sure. Until now. So maybe that contributes.

I am sort of a mess. I have been so damn busy. I cannot believe everything that has been and still has to be done. Ugh. I am ready for a break, but that is simply not an option. My moods are unstable. I haven't slept properly in over a week. Sleep, who needs it anyway?

I have less than a month of school left. Then comes summer and moving to my parent's house. I wonder what the hell I'm going to do next.

I am hoping inspiration comes to me all of a sudden. I smoked just now. Still kinda am actually, but it doesn't take much anymore.

My entire life is changed and I hope for the better.

You wouldn't believe how petrified I feel. My security, the only sense of safety I've ever known, is gone. Simply vanished and I must move on!

First things first. Activate cell phone. Go to store. Shower. T. Meeting. Study. Sleep.

Ok.

*Breathes*

I can do this.



[on an empty stomach]


bring on the cigs

xo

think thin.


b/c

everything is better as long as I am getting thinner..

Rilke.

My obsession with food has caught on; my brother is "eating healthy" and making smoothies. My aunt brought over brownies made with pumpkin, exclaiming, "they're fat and calorie free!" (which they are not) and I ate two helpings of salad at dinner. I do love salad.

I also love looking at my bones. Just now I glanced at my right wrist. I see bones and shapely fingers. I am so hot for bones. Bones, bones, please show show.

I'm quite baked after two joints with my brother. Ah, to be home and high. I raided the jelly beans like a bad girl. Gosh darn jelly beans and their red #40 and sulfuric acid and fattening tendencies!! DAMN THEE!!!!

I am doing laundry as we speak. Ha, as I sit here, neck strained because my laptop is perched on my bed with me crossed-legged in front of it; slow typing and slow reaction time, classical music afloat thanks to my friend Ipod.

Stupid T. He texts me things still. hgsihged

I get so arous--I mean I hate him still.
I am overly sensitive concerning him. A coworker mentioned him yesterday and I snapped at her. I hate myself for explaining to her my position. I hate myself for getting excited that some song "makes him think of me". Of course I myspaced the song. It's an amazing, seemingly flattering, song about a girl.. Godamn.
Check it out, Joshua Panda "Taiger Lilly Pt.1"

It's a great fucking song and I don't know why he is torturing me. I told him I was leaving town. Why? Because I wanted him to ask me to hang out. Why? I guess it's because I still...well nothing. But I wouldn't mind getting laid.

On that note, my hunched back is asking me for relief, and I must oblige.

Love to you, and Peace to you.

Think thin!!!!!

She is incredible! ^ Totally thinspiring to me, I'll be checking back here. Is it weird that I reread my own writing? (whatta freakin' narcissist)..

Remember

Stay skinny and sweet.
Be true to skinniness and skinny will be you.
Skinny always comes first.

Say no to fattening food. (Obviously but it's a good reminder)

and

Dance, run in place, do jumping jacks, daily stretching, yoga, sit ups. push ups, leg lifts.

Clean the whole kitchen before you dare eat. Experiencing the illusion that is hunger? Clean out every garbage can at your place. Wash the floors. Clean your fridge, or microwave, or toaster. Aren't all of those food stains and crumbs gross??
Makes me not want to eat...

Those aren't tips, btw, just life skills.

Be thin.

Medium.

I saw a psychic today. Ha. $20 down the drain, I should be smacked. She was interesting; she had intense eyes and rapid neck movements and blinked a lot. I sat there, hunched, neck crooked, nervous, obvious...I am sure she could pick up on my uneasiness without power or struggle.

Just wanted to note that, I guess. It was a weird experience that I just sort of fell into. I am happy I went though. I just wish I had some sort of truth to believe in. To really believe..a safeguard? I can't think. She mentioned God a few times, maybe it's time for me to check out some churches. I feel like a poser. I want to believe that I am here for a reason, I need to. If I don't then I don't see a point in living.

I just want to be happy. I don't want to need people. I want to pick and choose when I let someone in. That is fine for now...but the future? Marriage? The idea seems foreign and unrealistic. The day I meet a man that can tolerate/keep up with me is the day I consider commitment. For now I commit to me.

For now I take things one day at a time, one minute, one second...and I appreciate the present, because I am scared of the day it all stops. The day that fades away; my dreams, where time slows, music and voices fade, I fall backward, preparing myself to die. I am not ready for this day.

I am not ready for any day, I just walk through them. I just somehow barely keep going. What I need to find is my guiding light, my inner energy for seeking out life's pleasures.

Goal #1 : Find something I like to do that brings me peace *other than smoking pot*.
Goal #2 : Focus on this ^^^


Once I can focus on something other than my impending doom, I think I will be stronger and happier.
My mind will be off food. How inspiring..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No I have not heard from R. - I fucking wish though. I dream about him. I am not as creepy as I probably sound. I really do keep to myself. But I do think he knows I am into him. I think he likes it. I think he doesn't know what to do about it. That is okay with me, liking him from afar is "safe" -- according to the psychic. I can deal with this for now.
- I sure hope he calls/texts/shows up at my work .. haha.. it's fun like a game..

Peace peepz...time for work..fun.

Oh yeah, think thin !!!
*I sure will be, at work I move around as much as possible! Burning those calories!!*

Hottie with a body.

I found this pic of Jessica Simpson, looking hot, back when she used to be thin. I would love to look this toned and skinny and amazing:


Look at her thighs! There is space there, they do not rub!

30 hours in ...

Since Wednesday night all I have ate is one low fat pudding cup and about ten blueberries. I am proud of myself, and not going to stop now. Oddly enough I feel no hunger pains. I am smoking right now, so some will more than likely creep up. I know this may occur, therefore I am prepared. No eating. I work until 7:15, so depending on how I feel by then, I may eat. That is a big if I feel like it.

Loving Amy Winehouse's cd "Back to Black"...amazing songs, her voice is haunting. I can't stop listening to these slow, sad songs. Last night was really fun by the way. I definitely got hit on by a handsome 30 year old. Wow 8 year difference..crazyness. He was very tall and skinny, with narrow features and a deep voice. He gave me his number on a piece of paper offered from the bar tender..old fashioned or what...ha.

Think thin people! It is soo inspiring to discover how many blogs there are concerning this type of behavior, whatever that means. I am afraid to say "pro ana"..it sounds so...hmmm. Don't know exactly. But I couldn't imagine being "for" starving. I wish I was normal is what I am trying to say. And at the SAME TIME all I want is to be extremely thin. Whatta hyprocrite.

Time to get ready for work, fun. Just wanted to post a quick one to get some random thoughts out of the way, including my fast! Which, in the time it took to write this, I forgot all about. Muahahaha I am going to lose pounds! Can't wait : )

Relapse.

Today started horribly, I was hungover after 3 and 1/2 hours of sleep, drove blindly to Tim Horton's before work at 7, and bought a "whole wheat" & honey bagel with lite creme cheese. Whole wheat my ass, I am so disgusted with myself. I was seriously craving carbs after all that drinking ("Dragon Joose", gin& tonic, tequila) and also needed energy FAST.

After a long morning I was done. I bought a bag of plain Bugles, 2 apples, 2 airhead candys, and canned pineapple. Not too bad. At home I ate an apple, it was delicious. Then I cleaned out the entire bag of bugles, fast, they too, were amazing. It does not end here, unfortunately, it really should have. I was beyond stupid. I was blind, reaching outwards for food, food, anything, food. I went to Taco Bell. I ordered a "fresco" bean burrito and "3 layer" nachos + tomatos (extra $0.25). I pulled into a spot in the bright sun, picked up my burrito, tore a tiny piece of the burrito away, a part that wasn't touching the bean deliciousness that lay waiting for me encased in white flour wonder. Oh, so good. I devoured it fast, using mild sauce for dripping. Then the nachos. On first glance I was not impressed. Then I opened the lid, was greeted by a lovely smell, and DUG IN. They were great, horrible for me, and I definitely exceeded my sodium and fat content by m i l e s.

I finish my food. I sip some ice water. I am still hungry. I wanted potatoes, fries, tator tots. Something fried up, buttery, potatoey, wonderful, greasy, whatever. I drove to Burger King, realizing as I was pulling in that a vegetarian looking for food at a place with "burger" in its name was going to be shit out of luck. I was right, I pulled through and out, then back the other way towards an Arby's I passed. I ordered curly fries with ketchup. They were soo good, sooo greasy, and spiced to perfection. Worth $2 for a small...eh, if you've got two bucks.

Disgusted yet? I am. and it does not end there. After hitting the bottom of the carton of fries, I thought quick and decided my hunger was insatiable at that point. I went BACK to Mighty Taco, ordered ANOTHER fresco bean burrito, and devoured it, spilling sauce on my shirt and looking and feeling like a fucking slobby fat ass fuck.

The first urge to vomit hits in the parking lot. If I were smarter I would have just done it there, when the urge came. But I drove home, with bags of garbage in my car that were not there 20 minutes prior to my bunge excursion. I peed; I stuck my fingers down my throat, and hurled.

[blank]

What am I doing? I can't even do this right, wow, Marya could do it when she was 9 years old, I can't even make myself throw up, idiot.

I want it out I want it out I want it out/ breathe/ chug water/ tickle my throat, massage the coarse back of my tongue/ fail.

I hate this and I need it, I ate way too much, I need to get this out, try Try tRY harder. Jump up and down to make my stomach nauseous. Push my stomach in, puke, cringe at chunks in my teeth, do it again automatically, over and over, until it's over. I can't go on. I tell myself there is some out. Some is out. Not all, but maybe half a burrito. It's a small victory. My tummy looks smaller. I suck in, pretend my hips bones feel sharper, I am training myself to like the effects of this, what the hell is wrong with me?

I passed out, woke up, bought a blunt and smoked up with a friend. Now I am hunched over. I ate the two airheads. Still have the pineapple here but that would make a decent breakfast. I can't eat tonight. I could barely swallow that candy, it got stuck in my throat. I need sleep. I need water. I need to not feel this way. I keep burping and it smells like stomach acid and food, a gag worthy mixture..

This is a long one, please comment if you read this. I feel so terribly alone. I live alone. I am alone now, no one to hug. I may just head home for a few days. Either way, my lap top comes with. I can blog. It is interesting to recall this day. I need to learn from this. No food tonight, none, nothing. If I can wait until tomorrow I will feel better. I went on that crazy fast food binge around 2:30 p.m. It is 11:45. No food until tomorrow. Who's with me?