Goodbye 2013

Last post of the year. I'm feeling slightly better than yesterday. Still reflective as hell though. I have to be at work in two hours. Yes, I am stuck working New Year's Eve until 2AM. That's the biz, kid. It's interesting that I'll be making money instead of being out spending it. I have fears, of course. You know me. Always scared. My fear is that I will "mess up". Ohh boy. That'll be the end of the world, huh?

I kind of binged last night on m&ms. Feeling bad about it but refuse to give in. It happened, it's over. I'll be running around like crazy tonight so I won't be eating. Just had a salad and chugging coffee. I debated buying a mini bottle and keeping it in my apron but pretty sure that's a terrible idea. It's the idea of an alcoholic! I can wait to drink until I'm out. Unless my boss offers me champagne of something (VERY doubtful) which I would def take.

Well. I slept in today. Forgot I was out of creamer so I ran to the store. The countdown to the craziness is officially on. I haven't even showered yet. I honestly do not know what to expect tonight but if I can be truthful, it's kinda nice not to have to make plans and get people together and wonder about a kiss.

Although...one of the guys I've been talking to just texted me saying, "you should stop by for a pre new years kiss before work". But I told him no. No time. It's flying by.

Alright guys.....thanks so much for following my blog and reading and commenting. I really appreciate it! I know I can be a huge downer but I've got faith and hope in the future! I'm going to be just fine. So are you.

And yes I know I blog about Ednos. Staying thin. Weight. Binges. Purging. Drugs. I know these topics are not comfortable or polite, but they are such a part of my life, and maybe yours. I will defend staying thin until I die because I truly believe it's important to be in shape. It's more healthy.

I realize the boundaries are blurred and the tactics are impure at times. Society is struggling, women and girls everywhere identify with this plight. So it's hard, as a "writer", to know how much to confess, because I don't want to hurt anyone. But sometimes I do want to hurt myself.

It's mental. This is not so much an apology - more like a foot note. I think you understand, though. I love you for it.

Much peace. Have a great and safe New Year. I'll be downtown slinging drinks...but who knows how this night will end up. If you've been reading for awhile you know that my NYE normally tends towards the dramatic. Fingers crossed for much money and good moods all around.

LOVE/PEACE
xo
Sarah

Chasing falls.

I am fucked in the head and scared and sad. Yesterday was good. Yesterday I did some volunteer work, and my pay was a tshirt, water bottle, and free entry to a concert. Today I've already cried and screamed and fought with B. (ex-bf). We were friends. Now we are not. It's too bad that we piss each other off every minute. We kissed on Friday and have been fighting every day since then. We just push each other's buttons and can hurt one another really easily. It's fucked up.

Yesterday was good. I pushed myself. I challenged myself. It paid off. I was feeling SO good. Today I am miserable and want purpose. I had purpose yesterday; today there is none. I want to feel good everyday. This bipolar shit is killing me. I do not know for sure if I am bipolar, or just super moody, but either way my brain is fucking with my emotions.

Right now I am smoking in my bedroom at my parent's house. I am disgusted by their mere presence at times. Today is one of those times. I don't bother hiding the contempt in my voice. I don't bother smiling. I am not working, just living off them, and I am acting like a brat. Or I AM a brat. I don't know.

I want to think I am good. I'd like to think that I don't suck ALL the time. I try to be nice to strangers, children, and animals. For some reason though, when it comes to those I care for, I act like a fool.

All this acting... I should be an actress.

Maybe today I'll spend some money on something material.

I am so scared sometimes.
Last night I dreamed of a dead relative..a younger cousin. I miss her. My dreams scare the fuck out of me. She is there, with her family (who are all still living), and I am there, and I KNOW she's dead, I am aware of this and yet it's happening, we are all there and I am waiting. Waiting for the noise and visual affects that announce her departure. She always leaves, and I'm sad, and then I wake. Reflective. Melancholic.

I have craved pancakes the past few mornings. Ha. Who am I kidding, I don't wake until after noon. Ahem. My point is that I haven't made them. Screw pancakes with their carbs and sugar. Screw syrup in all of its cornstarch and artificial flavor "glory". I can't believe it, really, I even pulled the box out. I was mentally preparing myself to cook (lol) and decided, "fuck it, I don't need these."

Oh, and I have gained weight since moving home, I AM POSITIVE! I was around 127 when I moved home. Now?? 130.

What the fuck??

There is a digital scale here so of course I weigh myself several times a day. It's sad.

I need to keep restricting - how appropriate. My phone alarm just went off, haha, for what you ask?
It says "Don't eat." to me everyday :) I love it. Just started that and I do believe it's working. At least for yesterday and today. Food intake hasn't been terrible.

Nothing today and it's just about three in the afternoon. Help me stay strong, please.

Think thin. All day. All night.

I took this picture.

Take care of yourself.

Peace.

xo.

Your song.

I am home at my parent's house finally. I am basically done with school. Only one yoga take-home exam stands in my way of delicious summer freedom. It's bullshit really, but tomorrow I plan to make the drive back to college town to return a text to my professor and also to sit in the library and pound that shit out.

I am sipping wine, some tasty merlot. I have plans to smoke a bowl (by myself) shortly, after I throw my laundry in the dryer. Yes, I still smoke pot everyday, there's really no giving that up at this point. I do need to find a part-time summer job but it'll preferably be one where I am not drug-tested.

I am feeling lonely, surprise, surprise. I miss T. (in a weird, vague way- we just sorta got to know each other and there was a decent spark-that is what I miss, not him so much). I miss my ex-boyfriend B. He is boning some chick probably as we speak. I miss myself, my youth, my innocence.

Being a "fire victim" sucks because I never want anyone to forget. Isn't that immature? Do I want special treatment? I suppose that yes, I really do. I want to be taken care of and loved and liked. I want people to know for sure that I have lived through some shit. I want my experiences to show in my face; I want my newfound wisdom to sparkle in my eyes.

I met another guy, I'll call this one C.

C. and I hiked (lol) in the woods yesterday, until we came to a beautiful waterfall. We stood knee-deep in the water. We gazed into each other's eyes for a minute, he asked me what color I thought mine were. I said, "green? yellow? hazel?" He said they were pretty :)

He should talk, his gorgeous blue eyes (the BLUE EYES WILL KILL ME! I AM SUCH A SUCKER FOR BABY BLUES) were locked on mine and he tried to kiss me. He put his hand on my back and tried to draw me in. I turned away and changed the subject to meditation. Anything to take the focus off me.

Then we basically scaled the freakin' mountain (keep in mind, I smoke, I was dying) until we reached the spot he wanted us to be at. It was gorgeous but terrifying...we were so high up, and the cliff's edge was so close, and then we smoked a joint (that he rolled! my kind of guy!). And then he went in for the kiss AGAIN. and readers, guess what I did? I turned away from him...like a little baby.

I am so scared. I am scared to get to know someone new. I am scared of the future, present, past. I am scared of food and what it makes my body look like. I am scared of driving and snakes and fish and worms and flying and tons of other things.

I like C. He is cute and nice and funny and in good shape. He runs. His mom is dead and I am assuming he has major issues with that. I do not want to take on someone else's issues, I have plenty of my own.

I just realized how revealing I really am with my writing. I tell you everything that comes to mind. I tell you things that I don't tell others. I like it like this, you are my personal confidant, my trusted counselor who never preaches but sometimes comments. I am not alone because I have you.

Today:
Breakfast- orange
Lunch- some chips and salsa, two pieces of whole wheat toast (one with butter/garlic salt/basil, the other with a slice of cheese)
Dinner- salad, 3 stuffed shells, 1 slice garlic toast
Dessert- 3 cookies, spoonful of cherry pie

and now, wine.

I disgust myself. That is just too many carbs today but LUCKILY some of them were AT LEAST made with whole wheat. I despise white bread/pasta/etc. The shells were a mistake, but it made my mom happy.

The things I freakin' do.

Wow, looking back on my list of today's food really makes me sick. I hate how gluttonous I become at home. I hate how this weekend has had lots of binging, but thankfully some exercise to counteract it all. The hiking yesterday, the moving of my belongings from college town to home, laundry. I will do anything to burn calories.

I gotta watch it though, I am always preaching to my parents about food and health and what they (we) should and should not eat. I feel bad, but they are getting older and they are both out of shape and they really need to know these things. They need to know what I know.

I must breathe. I can only be responsible for myself. I am me, no more, no less.

Think thin, lovelies. Thanks for reading, if you've never commented, YOU SHOULD! lolz no really, it would be great. I am very curious about who reads this blog. I am curious about your (general) whereabouts, age, sex, etc.  So let me know (if ya want).

In the meantime, let's all work on making this world a more peaceful place.

Stay strong. Resist fatty foods always. Think thin. Be thin. Live thin.

To write Love on her arms.

This is my arm. I wrote "love" on it in pen to show support to anyone who has ever cut. I have cut. Not a lot, not recently: I did it when I was in high school because I was so damn depressed (wow this has been going on for awhile). What a feeling, to look down at scratches and scars and feel .. pride? shame? .. devotion?

Devotion to the self.

We could all try to NOT say hateful things about ourselves. I just learned of this kind idea, ten minutes ago, through a blog!
I'm lovin' how much can be learned today. I had a great day. No sleep last night, got up severely early and had a shitload of nervous energy, which I still have. T. & I spent the day in a city 30 min. away. We walked (bonus workout!!) up and down streets, going nowhere, just having fucking adventures. I spray painted a fucking peace sign. Holy fuck I'm going to jail./hell. hopefully not but... anyways. Yeah. We also just entered this old, abandoned building, and crept around. (And kissed). I got scared, I kept expecting to see a ghost or a corpse or something freaky. We were trespassing completely lol. We are badasses together.

It was a weird/awesome/crazy day. It ended with dinner. I did so good; I avoided the bread & butter completely. I ate half of my (surprisingly small) portion of pesto cheese ravioli and covered the rest with my napkin. I also ordered a salad (no cheese) and ate a little more than half. Maybe a table spoon of balsamic vinagrette on top. Water to drink.

[[ and you know what? it was easy to resist that nasty food. ]]

More later. Him and I are meeting back up in an hour to drink/party at this house where bands will be playing.. I am excited. I am wearing purple lace tights and a black & white dress, with tall black boots..oh yeah, feeling flyy. He said I have sexy legs ; )

He is a good kisser. Oh and it feels so good to kiss. It has been so long since I had a real, romantic kiss. So, so long.

It is so good that it hurts. That chest pain is coming back. My heart is getting a workout. I am trying to not be so detached today. I am trying to live in the moment. I looked at T. earlier and tried to see him. I tried to see myself through his eyes. I couldn't. At this point I am only relying on my emotional clues and intuition.

A quick point: besides the food at the restaurant all I ate today was about 50 calories of microwaved egg beaters. Gotta love www.Hungrygirl.com

Love you all!
-Peace-

Think thin.