Love

He loves me, he said it and I believe it.

D. has been gone exactly two weeks and there are three and a half more to go. Tonight, he recorded his voice saying, "I love you baby" and sent it to me. I fucking melted.

What we have gone through has been so huge, so life-changing. It is bringing us closer together and I am thankful for that.

Thanks for the comments on my last post. I was extremely depressed that evening. Tonight? Not so much. Work is an excellent distraction. My therapist is amazing. My boyfriend loves me. I have sweet and open-minded readers. Feeling good about life.

Coincidentally, I am out of weed. I am energized without it yet the craving is tremendous. I will most likely be re-upping tonight. I don't dare try to sleep without it. I need to get restful sleep or I'm a bear. My friend will probably deliver some in an hour or so.

I have no food in the house, nothing. I desperately need to grocery shop. I actually stopped at Wegmans today but only bought cat food. #win.

Have a great night babes.
xx ~s

I have internet!

I'm back, bitches.

I coerced my landlord into letting me have wifi access for an extra $10 a month. WOOT!

Where to begin? As you've noticed my posts have been somewhat depressing in the past months, well that's because life has been all sorts of stressful. However, I've been making attempts to fix shit. My student loans are back under control. I'm in the process of settling the claim from the car accident which will equal me getting a check. Work is going well, we are extremely busy so the days basically fly by. I've been losing weight. Sometimes it surprises me how I look.

Don't get me wrong, my reflection in the mirror still taunts me and urges me to keep restricting. The heat helps kill my appetite, as do the cigarettes I've been smoking like they're going out of style. Also the thinspo at work helps curb my cravings.

It's almost sad, isn't it, just how many thin and thinner girls there are out there. We are all feeling the pressure. Society will not stop until we're all weak, invisible, and killing ourselves. I can only feel sorry to a certain extent, as I'm currently caught up in it all. I have been for years.

It just feels good to be thinner than people. You feel their jealous eyes on you. You eat in front of them (only to keep up appearances - and sometimes you don't bother and don't eat) and they watch with eagle vision how you eat, what you eat, if you throw half away, if you say, "damn that was good" with a confident smile. They watch.

I don't want them too, but it happens. Curiosity of the mentally insane is inevitable.

To switch topics blatantly and without warning, yes my dad is sick again and it's upsetting me. The stress and heartache make me not want to eat a damn thing. We are waiting on test results.

Ok now I gotta go. I'm headed homeward to chill with some old friends. Since moving to the city I have not seen them as much. I will be spending the night at my besties. It's going to be good night! (right?) (I hope).

There's always hope. Peace, loves.

XO
Sar

Energy

I've been on a weight loss kick! It feels great to lift my shirt everyday and see all of my rib bones and hips and my (surprisingly) flat belly. It feels empowering to wear loose clothes...ok that is a lie. I prefer fitted things so I must invest in a tailor! But you know what I mean!

Work is going well and keeping me VERY busy. The people I work with are very nice which helps a lot! I've been hanging with my friends every weekend and seeing J. several times a week. I'm getting used to waking up early. It is currently Sunday at 8AM and I have no reason to be up but I am! Wide awake!

I have to get up at 6AM m-f for work which means I need to get to sleep at a decent time...which means NO MORE NIGHT TIME BINGING! wOo!

That is exactly why I'm dropping the pounds, combined with restriction and all of the hours at the gym I've been clocking in recent weeks. It's J. and I's new thing...we work out together! Endorphins, baby!

The only dark cloud on the horizon is, of course, living at home with my crazy family. I am getting veryyy serious about moving out on my own and am striving for patience. I need to be smart about this. I know exactly what I'm looking for but just have to find it! I am thinking March 1 is a good day to move, let's see if I can make it happen!

Peace, happy Sunday.

XO
Sar

What's up?

Hey sexies, how's it hanging?

I just had a nice healthy breakfast consisting of strawberries, orange slices, and watermelon chunks. Then I had one whole wheat english muffin with peanut butter and some banana slices. I am sipping black coffee. I am about to hop in the shower to get ready for work.

Yes, work. It's going alright. I am midway though my second week. The people are nice. It's air-conditioned. I get my first paycheck TOMORROW! =)

I am sort of tan from camping last weekend. I am sort of thin from eating healthier and on schedule. Last night I was literally too tired to eat...THIS IS GOOD!

I am on second shift so it's different, but doable.

I haven't been blogging as much and I think I know why: I have a life now, lol. Things on this blog really picked up when I was away at college living my isolated existence. But now that I'm so busy it's harder for me to sit down and write/vent out my frustrations. Because I'm literally talking shit out. With friends, family, and my therapist. It is what is is. Doesn't mean I'm disappearing! I think I'll always blog, I really like it and I like the community here.

I'm still thinking thin!!!!!!!!!

I wore just a bikini top and denim skirt this past weekend, and felt good! I felt like I looked hot! Maybe I did, maybe I didn't, either way it didn't matter much because internally I felt great! Of course, I was boozin'...so that probably helped.

Bones bones bones are beautiful!

Yesterday at work some random guy showed me a picture he drew of Angelina Jolie's face...this led to a discussion of how hot she is. Believe it or not, he claims she is TOO THIN and better still, HE DOESN'T LIKE IT!!????!!??

Um?

I'll admit, I felt vindicated. Not everyone (men) like the stick thin look. Ha! Just goes to show, we're (maybe) doing this to look good in front of other women! Maybe we're all a little bi...

My toes on my left foot tingle, wtf? On that note, I'll end my spiel!

Hope you hotties are doing GREAT and please comment to let me know you're alive and still reading!!?? Maybe include a tip or two on how to interact with strangers in the workplace. I'm still feeling a little shy and my social anxiety disorder kicks in whenever I step though that door...

Thanks loves.

THINK THIN! PUT DOWN THAT COOKIE! SAY NO TO SWEETS!

<3
Sar

XO

ps. Someone asked me about my stats! I've posted them on this blog before but I'll give ya a glimpse...I am 5'8 and 24 years old. My cup size is D. My weight fluctuates between 136-144. GROSS, I know. But I can promise you that I don't look fat! I look average to thin. I've even put pics on here...so readers if you'd like to see than you should peruse the posts!

***

Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels.

***

Hunger Hurts But Starving Works.

***

It's over...I took my drug test. I won't know if I passed or failed for a few days. I took your advice and didn't smoke this week and drank water and took aspirin so...*fingers crossed*.

Last night I had an incredible date with sexy N. We went to a free concert and then back to his apartment for a bonfire with some friends. I didn't freak out by the fire...baby steps.

We made out, very very briefly. I (obviously) pulled away, stopped it, hit pause, because I'm a scaredy-cat.

After about 7 hours of good times, I drove home. I ate some (a lot) of food. I passed out and dreamed about sharks.

Right now I'm sipping hot black coffee and about to go read the newspaper.

Life is ok.

I'll let you know how the drug test results are. I hope hope hope! I passed. Pray for me.

Think thin!!!!!!

<3 Sar

Never is a promise

A lot can change in a few days. I'm sitting here, full, because I ate a half of vegetable sub with mozzarella but no dressing. It was good. Just very filling. I also ate an apple. It's almost five in the evening.

Here's some good news: on Thursday I went to an interview at a more respectable, professional company. They liked me, and I go back on Monday for a day of "shadowing" a junior consultant. The dress is "business professional". For those unfamiliar, it means I wear a suit. A fucking suit. Can you imagine? Me? A suit?

So today I went shopping and bought a dress suit, heels, hose, and 2 nice dress shirts for underneath. My Lord is this real?? I am nervous and excited. Wish me luck. This could be my big break into the career world. This could be me turning into a money-making, company car driving, grown up. Watch out, Oprah.

Yesterday, my ex-bf "B" called. He's getting married. I cried when he told me. You remember him, last year around this time we started talking again, and made out one drunken night. But now things are different, and he has a fiancée, so you know what? That's great. Good for him. I don't know if it'll work out for them but who the fuck am I to judge? I am certainly not a relationship expert. Lord knows my relationships have all failed, possibly due to my neurotic eccentricities, but maybe not. Maybe it's all just fate. That's comforting.

Tonight is a big night. 11 friends and I will be jam-packed into a limo for a night out on the town! Were getting drunk, yup! I just need to NOT overdue it, I need to be in tiptop shape for Monday.

I hope you all are well, and staying strong. Don't give up on thin, it's honestly within your grasp.

The suit I bought is a size 6. I don't know if that's good or bad but I feel ok with it. I feel like I've been working harder on getting thinner and now I need to sit back and revel a little bit in my effort. That DOES NOT mean get lazy. Oh hell no. I need to obviously KEEP IT UP, but it's not a mad dash at this point. It's a freaking lifestyle that I have embraced, and it's just going to always be this way. It has to be, because I'd never be happy any fatter than this. Never.

Thin wins :]

Xo


[Sar]

Oh hi

I'M ALIVE!

And I'm flying down south this week! I'm going by myself to see my sister and baby nephew and I can't wait to get away from this bitter, bone-chilling cold.

I took some pics of me today, I plan to write a longer post later with them included so you can see my "progress".

I've been counting calories obsessively. I list everything I eat and then add up each day's totals and keep those separate so I have two lists. It feels good to see it in front of me.

Hope everyone is doing well and keeping warm! Can spring be here soon??

Stay Strong!

<3 Sar

I strive to be better

I'm sipping on a bud light and trying to relax: today has been hellish. Let it be clear that next winter I will NOT be where I am, I will be SOUTH. Ok, anyway.

Today: car was completely and utterly buried by thick white snow, the driveway had snow drifts up to my waist, J. came over and shoveled me out & I smoked him up as payment. He ended up driving me to work because we could not get my freaking car out of all the snow. For those of you who have never seen snow (if there's any?) YOU'RE LUCKY! 

Back to J. and his hottness (remember him? dude from work that was supposed to leave town weeks ago? musical guy?). Well I was just SO TOUCHED by his beautiful heart and then we worked together for four glorious hours (yes all that madness and shoveling was only for a short shift) and I must admit that I care deeply for this man, he is truly special to me. I understand the timing is not right but I'd love to marry him someday. It's not just about his looks, oh no. Today showed me that not only was he raised right but he was raised Christian, and that is becoming more and more important to me. He is a good person.

Anywho I'm home now (ended up getting a ride home from another dude, but he's engaged with a kid on the way; we used to work together, it's totally platonic between us) and smoking a bowl. I've been restricting but my period is coming up so I am bloating. I'm sure this beer I'm drinking will not help but hey, it's practically a diuretic.

One of my professors is SO THIN.. I've stared at her, up and down, not creepily I hope, during every class. Her collarbones, arms, legs, stomach, face, neck, everything is so so thin and I'm jealous. She's even had two kids!
But I think on the teacher evaluation form they always have us fill out at the end of the semester I will note that she is so thin it distracts from the lesson and makes me feel inadequate in comparison. It really does though. One week of classes left I can do it I can do it...

Oh and the debate went great! We got a 90 (out of 100)! So yes I am quite pleased about all that. I was quite sick last week but took the weekend to VEG the fuck out. I needed rest and relaxation so I just watched movies and took naps and smoked and ate soup and drank tea and I feel pretty much better. I gotta watch that I don't relapse but I should be ok.

Also! I scored some adderall thank goodness. 7 of them, to be exact. I haven't touched them; I'll use them to keep awake and write 8-10 page papers in 1 night. Oh what fun.

I can't wait to NOT be a college student. I am 24, time to grow up. I am quite proud that I'll receive my Bachelor's degree in a couple weeks. 

Well just thought I'd update a bit. I am hanging in here. I am trying. I could be doing better (always) but I am not killing myself over anything right now. I'm just trying to live.

I'm also trying to lose weight! Wahooo !

Think thin :) :) :)

Be strong :) :) :)

I love this picture!!!! I love Natalie Portman!! 

I want to see "Black Swan" soo bad! Looks like amazing thinspo:)

Hopefully these pretty ladies inspired you to ignore those "cravings" for junk food -- it's just your brain playing tricks on you. It's amazing how our brains try to take over, I say, fight it! I am more than a brain, I am better than a craving, I am a unique soul trying to better myself in every way possible. That obviously includes striving for a better body. Don't be fat. 

Be thin.

xo~Sar

Sleep doesn't come so easy

I gotta be quick. It's quarter after six in the morning and I'm leaving for class in twenty minutes. I am halfway ready, from the waist up. Pjs pants are too comfy to take off right away.

So. I'm bloated today and yesterday and the reason is that it's "that time". Great. Feelin' sexy.

I hung out with J. last night. We went to the beach and smoked a blunt. He is a fast walker. I found myself wanting to leave after we were high. Maybe because we were in close proximity to a factory (isn't that ghetto?) or maybe because he is too young for me. I want so badly to believe that age is just a number, but it's undeniable that with age comes experience. I am experienced and expect/want my guy to be at my level. I guess it'd be ideal for our intelligence to match and for our brains to work similarly but don't I really just want everything to be easy?

1200 calories yesterday.

I wish it were less, but today is a brand new day. I met with my film class teacher yesterday and she told me I was doing fine. That's good to hear, but what about my other classes is what I want to really know. Midterm grades will be up in approximately a week.

Here come the stomach cramps. Good thing I'm smoking a bowl. I popped my midol (of course) for the bloating, hope it helps. Water will ease the process.

Have a great Thursday :) Or, if it's over already, good night :)

I'll be hanging with J. again tonight I think. I'll give this another chance. Yes there is a connection but I don't know. It's weird now. I'm weird.

No food yet this morning.

I'll make it a low calorie day.

* Think thin *

xo~Sar

In a gadda da vida

Thanks for the support, lovely people. I went to the registrar's office and filled out two forms: one for English, and one for Philosophy. Everything should be fine. They were (luckily) understanding and helpful. Now all I need to do is pass my classes. It'll be fine.

Guess who got amazingly drunk on Friday night, fell down some stairs, and sprained her ankle? Yeah. Me.

That's honestly what I get for drinking massive quantities of liquor on a (beautifully) empty stomach. I was trashed after the first drink. I made it down most of the stairs that I can usually navigate just fine but tripped on the last or second from last. The whole night is a blur, but basically I landed on my ass and starting tearing up and saying, "Ow". Two random dudes tried to pull me up, one at each arm; at first I resisted because I was scared I'd be embarrassingly heavy but in a split-second they had me on my feet. I ran into N.'s arms and the rest is fucking gone. I blacked out. I stuck my fingers down my throat in the middle of everything and puked up liquid. I drove fucking wasted home. I didn't munch on anything (thank the good lord) but it's really because I was too drunk to eat.

I slept like shit and woke up in killer pain. At ten in the morning, so I could go to my Dentist appointment. Hungover, I sat in the chair, reeking of booze I'm sure, and blearily chatted with my Dentist while he poked and prodded in my mouth with instruments used for torture. I limped around all day, worried about the pain but not wanting to make a big deal of it because family was in town, and the focus was on them. Luckily my Grandma came over (she used to work for a foot doc), looked at the tennisball-sized swelling that had developed on the side of my ankle, screamed at my Mom for something to wrap it with, and wrapped it. Extremely tight. I woke up with skin abrasions.

Needless to say, I'm in pain. I was fucking stupid drunk on Friday night and this is my reward. More pain, suffering, and inconvenience. What the fuck.

I have class everyday and I work this week. I don't want to be slowed down by this annoying GIMP.

J. and I got in some weird, long texting conversation about us both wanting to hang out but it never happening because I'm too busy. Or something like that. It was cool to have him dedicate some time and thought to a message but really, I'd like a phone call dude. We're just friends, obviously, so it's not necessary. But if anything was to develop I'd like that. I'd call him. Idk. But we haven't really talked since then. I'm not texting him, he's not texting me. He said that he wants it to be mutual. Specifically, he thinks "the girl waiting for the guy to do everything is bs". I don't know what to think of what's going on and I've clearly got a million other things to worry about. For realz.

I'm sure you're wondering how I did with food this weekend at my parent's house. I'll gladly tell you. I did ok. Friday, I had 2 pudding cups, 2 slices of thin crust cheese & mushroom pizza, & an apple before I left College town. I then headed to parent's house and grabbed a black coffee for the road. That night I came in when there was a few relatives over and a couple trays of pizza. I refused pizza for the entire night and ate one cookie [150 cal]. That was the night I went out drinking.

Saturday I was really hungover and craving carbs, so throughout the day I had 1 cinnamon raisin bagel with "I can't believe it's not butter". 1 apple. 1 soft pretzel from the mall (gave some away).. Salad with a small amount of Italian dressing. 3 slices of thin crust cheese & pepper pizza. Steamed broccoli. Some Doritos (I know). Slice of cake (no ice cream).

It seems like a shit ton but for twenty-fours that's really not terrible. I felt incredibly skinny when I woke Saturday, which relieved some of the agony of my bum ankle. I felt bloated from the salt when I went to bed but today I woke up feeling okay.

Today: Black coffee. Soy latte. Cookie. Veggie burger with lettuce, tomato, onion, ketchup, mustard. On a bun. Banana.

It's after eight at night. So Friday and today were decent. I'm so beat. I took a nap when I got back and am sitting here in a fog. I missed class on Friday so I keep checking my email to see if my teacher ever got back to me (I sent her some long email) - she hasn't. Plus I have no idea if we have an assignment due tomorrow ... WHATEVER.

I am smoking a little bowl and chilling for now. I loved the looks I got when I refused the pizza and said "no ice cream with my cake". You see, in my family Eating is Everything. That's how it has always been. Our dinner table was always a battlefield of picky eaters, eating disorders (my parents binge-eat) (my brother and I under-eat), and food allergies. It's dysfunctional. Each.And.Every.Time. we eat together. I guess it's only natural that I'm so fucked up about food.

I need to be thinner.
I need to be as thin as her:

She's actually the background on my laptop. I also have a pic of me looking bony on the background of my cell phone. What can I say? I'm weak. These little reminders keep me on track. 

*

I'll be saying strong, and I really hope you will too.

*

Think thin.

*

xo~Sar

Your song.

I am home at my parent's house finally. I am basically done with school. Only one yoga take-home exam stands in my way of delicious summer freedom. It's bullshit really, but tomorrow I plan to make the drive back to college town to return a text to my professor and also to sit in the library and pound that shit out.

I am sipping wine, some tasty merlot. I have plans to smoke a bowl (by myself) shortly, after I throw my laundry in the dryer. Yes, I still smoke pot everyday, there's really no giving that up at this point. I do need to find a part-time summer job but it'll preferably be one where I am not drug-tested.

I am feeling lonely, surprise, surprise. I miss T. (in a weird, vague way- we just sorta got to know each other and there was a decent spark-that is what I miss, not him so much). I miss my ex-boyfriend B. He is boning some chick probably as we speak. I miss myself, my youth, my innocence.

Being a "fire victim" sucks because I never want anyone to forget. Isn't that immature? Do I want special treatment? I suppose that yes, I really do. I want to be taken care of and loved and liked. I want people to know for sure that I have lived through some shit. I want my experiences to show in my face; I want my newfound wisdom to sparkle in my eyes.

I met another guy, I'll call this one C.

C. and I hiked (lol) in the woods yesterday, until we came to a beautiful waterfall. We stood knee-deep in the water. We gazed into each other's eyes for a minute, he asked me what color I thought mine were. I said, "green? yellow? hazel?" He said they were pretty :)

He should talk, his gorgeous blue eyes (the BLUE EYES WILL KILL ME! I AM SUCH A SUCKER FOR BABY BLUES) were locked on mine and he tried to kiss me. He put his hand on my back and tried to draw me in. I turned away and changed the subject to meditation. Anything to take the focus off me.

Then we basically scaled the freakin' mountain (keep in mind, I smoke, I was dying) until we reached the spot he wanted us to be at. It was gorgeous but terrifying...we were so high up, and the cliff's edge was so close, and then we smoked a joint (that he rolled! my kind of guy!). And then he went in for the kiss AGAIN. and readers, guess what I did? I turned away from him...like a little baby.

I am so scared. I am scared to get to know someone new. I am scared of the future, present, past. I am scared of food and what it makes my body look like. I am scared of driving and snakes and fish and worms and flying and tons of other things.

I like C. He is cute and nice and funny and in good shape. He runs. His mom is dead and I am assuming he has major issues with that. I do not want to take on someone else's issues, I have plenty of my own.

I just realized how revealing I really am with my writing. I tell you everything that comes to mind. I tell you things that I don't tell others. I like it like this, you are my personal confidant, my trusted counselor who never preaches but sometimes comments. I am not alone because I have you.

Today:
Breakfast- orange
Lunch- some chips and salsa, two pieces of whole wheat toast (one with butter/garlic salt/basil, the other with a slice of cheese)
Dinner- salad, 3 stuffed shells, 1 slice garlic toast
Dessert- 3 cookies, spoonful of cherry pie

and now, wine.

I disgust myself. That is just too many carbs today but LUCKILY some of them were AT LEAST made with whole wheat. I despise white bread/pasta/etc. The shells were a mistake, but it made my mom happy.

The things I freakin' do.

Wow, looking back on my list of today's food really makes me sick. I hate how gluttonous I become at home. I hate how this weekend has had lots of binging, but thankfully some exercise to counteract it all. The hiking yesterday, the moving of my belongings from college town to home, laundry. I will do anything to burn calories.

I gotta watch it though, I am always preaching to my parents about food and health and what they (we) should and should not eat. I feel bad, but they are getting older and they are both out of shape and they really need to know these things. They need to know what I know.

I must breathe. I can only be responsible for myself. I am me, no more, no less.

Think thin, lovelies. Thanks for reading, if you've never commented, YOU SHOULD! lolz no really, it would be great. I am very curious about who reads this blog. I am curious about your (general) whereabouts, age, sex, etc.  So let me know (if ya want).

In the meantime, let's all work on making this world a more peaceful place.

Stay strong. Resist fatty foods always. Think thin. Be thin. Live thin.