New plan

I ate like shit this weekend. Today I woke up hungry, which angered me. How dare I feel hungry when just last night I ate so many goldfish crackers and 2 reese cups and cookies and licorice? Thankfully I did not give in, I did not eat. I am bloated now, due to last night and the fact that I'm retaining water because of my oncoming period. These are fun times, my friends.

However! There is a bright side. I have designed a new plan for myself. My student loan debt is out of control so I've been brainstorming ideas like crazy. I could die or try to pretend I lost a spouse in 9/11 or I could go back to school. I'm obviously choosing the school option because I like to learn and I don't feel like doing anything rash or illegal.

So here's what I am going to do: take 2 classes this Fall (part time status), 2 classes in the Spring, and (hopefully) get into the Fall 2012 Nursing program!! All at my local community college! The classes will be reasonably priced so I will pay for them with cash and my credit card, no more loans until next year when I enter the new degree program. I won't be adding to my debt just yet, but I won't be paying on it either. Sounds like a win-win situation!

I can quit my terrible full time soul sucking job and waitress part time somewhere, ALSO, I can defer all of my student loans! Ahh, my breaths are coming easier now.

So that's my plan, and I'm sticking to it. Tomorrow I will get up early and head over to the college to talk to someone from admissions.

I need this, you guys. I need to better myself. Also, RN's make decent money. Assuming I get into the program and can find a good job after, I will have no problem eventually making large payments on the $70K I owe to the government. I have been considering the nursing thing for a few weeks now, and it just hit me today that I could jump back into school part time this Fall and defer my loan payments. I've never gone part time so I think it will be good for me. I will have less classes and more time to prepare for them. I just know I will succeed.

I plan to take a (desperately needed) math class and some sort of english class. I will be able to use the gym and pool. I will (hopefully) meet some new friends, I'm getting so sick of my old ones.

Time to shower and head to work. The knowledge of my decision will propel me through this day. I can do this, I can stick this out. I can get through this day with a smile on my face and an excited butterfly in my stomach, a secret desire in my heart.

Think thin! I'm (obviously) restricting hardcore today due to yesterday's madness. So far I've had a few fresh cherries and 2 cups of black coffee, also some water. I probably won't eat before work and I'll have a small salad and some more fruit on my lunch break. Love to you all.

XO
Sar

***

***

Thin is in.

Hydro Ponics

Good Morning. This is my last full day of classes. Forever. I feel surprisingly excited, like, let's get this over with. Yesterday I finally managed to get my ass to campus (I couldn't on Monday or Tuesday because of all the snow) and met with all my teachers, boy was I teary. My eyes were welling up every five seconds and I am sure they are all a little sick of me at this point.

And I am sick of them.

I'm sitting here, watching the news, sipping on green tea, and smoking a bowl. The weather guy is calling for more fucking snow. UGH please stop Mother Nature, please end this madness, please, please.

Yeah, I'm high.
So I am supposed to turn in this paper today at two. I am not, I decided to turn it in tomorrow. I have not even started it. I have not read any of the required materials and I have not made an outline. I have three classes today so I am going to make a strong attempt to squeeze in some paper time. I don't give a fuck anymore wait yes I do. I need to. I am not done yet.

I lay awake last night, thinking: two papers, two exams, and one project. Five things. I can do this.

I feel greasy and gross. Time to get ready. I've got to leave so early because of the snow. It's almost comical.

Be smart about food today...no binging. I want to fast but sometimes I worry that fasting when I'm expected to *perform* (when I'm writing papers and such) won't help anything. I need all the brain cells I can get, since I'm killing them daily with my undesirable vices. I will write this paper today and I will restrict. Yesterday was a decent day but it's over and now it's time to focus on what is important. Restriction is actually good for you. I've got my plan; I've got my purpose.

Think thin :)

Natalie P. is amazing! Anyone see "Black Swan" yet?

XO~Sar

Mellow Monday

I wish I had a fucking scale. I go back and forth: should I weigh? Should I not weigh? Today I want to weigh. I care to know the damage. This weekend was varied, with eating one day, starving the next, eating on Sunday, Monday will be a fast.

I just want to starve today. I'm so hungry right now. It's 10:18 on this start of the week, and I've already made my bed, done the dishes, cleaned the cat area, and smoked. I was supposed to tackle some more stuff yesterday and today, but one thing at a time, right?

I've got class and work today. So I'm going to write this blog post, maybe surf the 'net a little, shower, pack all my stuff for the day (school stuff, work clothes and shoes, a lil smoke), head to campus, group planning for project proposal, work (with J.), and finallyyy....head home to hit the sheetz early because tomorrow starts at 5:30 AM.

Ok.

How are you all doing? 85 followers and I wish I knew for sure that every single one of you was doing okay. I try to be inspirational amidst the lists I make on here. It's in my nature; I want to make you feel good.

Speaking of, J. and I did not exchange one text or phonecall or anything yesterday. Nada. I did not delete him from my phone, but I changed his name to: "Not Interested Neither Am I" ... LOL, yup.

It's the little things. They add up and help me get through the day. Today will be a long one and I'm a little nervous about working with J. I have been preparing all weekend for this, really. I just want to be cool. There are so many reasons why I don't need him in my life. I'll leave it at that.

Last night I drove to the store and bought a frozen Snickers.

Pretty random, I know. But I craved sweets and didn't listen to my own advice about the fruit but here's something horrible: I have no fruit here. None. I need to go grocery shopping but I'm afraid to go to the store because what if I go nuts and buy lots of food? And I live in the middle of nowhere, honestly there's no grocery store with decent fruit, and nothing organic nearby. Looking forward already to moving. That'll be in December.

Where am I going to move?

It's a mystery. Even I don't know.

I have some ideas, I'm just so uncertain, and due to my academic probation it is imperative to get good grades which will boost my GPA enough to graduate. It's a stress. It's not that I don't think I can do it, I just...must have stress in my life, I guess. I kind of enjoy having lots of things to think about. And ruminate. And stew over. Etc.

Do I make sense?

Anyone out there getting ready to graduate with their Bachelors?? Grad school is out, but I'd like to utilize my major. The problem is the limited job situation. Especially in fields such as English and Philosophy. What's your plan?

Stay strong, lovely readers. Thanks for listening.

Think thin*


xo~Sar

Exhausted and oh-so hyper!

I'm in the library at quarter to midnight. I just finished the religion paper that was due this morning, haha, and hopefully my instructor will not take off points for my lateness. It's only a day, and I talked to him, and emailed him. So he knows what's up. And my paper kicks serious ass.

However I must write another. This one is due tomorrow at 11 AM. The chances of me turning it in then are slim to none. I am hyped up but exhausted. This next paper is for Philosophy, which is fucking hard all around. Sigh. I wish I didn't have to, but you know how I feel about wishes. They don't mean shit!

I am just here taking a little break. I can't believe all of this, I really can't. School stresses me out. Once this next paper is done, I have to write ANOTHER paper for Yoga, of all things. My God. And then three exams over three consecutive days. AND THEN FREEDOM!!!!!!!
aka Summer...for about two weeks....

and then....SUMMER SCHOOL. I am taking an online literature class. and then, once that is successfully completed, I will enjoy about a month of Summer/Freedom. and then, I must find an apartment for my LAST semester of college. Yep, that's right. Graduation looms on the horizon. So, everything I just listed, and then, the Fall semester, and then I am officially an adult in the *real world*.

Yeah I'm fucking scared.

So. Much. Work.

Sigh.

It is exhausting to think about it all, so I will now focus on the task at hand: my next 8 page paper. What the fuck. Whatthefuckwhatthefuck, fuckshitasscunt. hguehgjkesdfkls hfkj

Ok. So, I am feeling thin today, yay!

I love standing in front of the mirror, turning sideways, and feeling good about myself. Sometimes, on a particularly good day, I actually stick my stomach out! Just to see how far it doesn't go. Haha I bet you do it too....


Well, I'll leave you with that lovely image. Sorry I haven't posted any thinspo lately. The fire took away my computer with my thinspo folder, and I literally have had no time to browse the web for more. Post some for me!!!

I love you allllllllll!

And if you're in college, good luck with finals! I know they might just kill us, but let's not let them do that. Let's CONQUER college and VANQUISH the stress!!!!!!


Think thin!!!

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels............


SO true.. I live by that ^

It's early.

Second day of class. I already saved some homework to do before it starts at 9:30. Typical of me, I go on and on about how I want to prepare and follow my routine. Well I am not off to a great start. Yesterday I didn't eat until lunch, then has salad and half of a veggie panini at school. Then nothing until about five hours later, when I ate 3/4 of a Luna bar. Yum. Then I went shopping with my friend and got high before and after. Needless to say that is where I fucked up. I got the munchies and ate a bag of apple chips (not terrible), a Cliff Kids bar, SHELLS AND CHEESE, tiny bag of sunchips...what the hell happened there?? It just goes to show..when I don't eat breakfast I get super hungry and weak towards the end of the night.

Then I threw up. : /

It was easy, but I really feel like I stopped it sort of early. It is exhausting and terrifying, this power I have over my body. Mind over matter. I am so tired today. My stomach feels incredibly full still. No food today. I WILL get to school early enough (I walk!!!) to grab a black coffee before Philosophy. That is my morning plan. I will be out of class at 11, so here's hoping I don't cave and get lunch again :( Maybe if I keep it tiny, low cal, and low fat...like an apple, or another salad. We will see..I have a 3 hour break between classes, so how about I try to NOT fuck up today?

Oh one good thing, last night I passed on dinner at the buffet style dining hall on campus with some friends. I knew that it would be hard to resist the deliciousness that awaits me there. Ok, got to go unfortunately. I need to shower and do this homework; I love reading your blogs, and my own, day and night, first thing in the morning (to check for comments). It is thinspiring. I will do good today. I do not want to b/p..it is so not worth it. Ok STAY STRONG & THINK THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN THIN.

p.s. my kitten is totally hyper this early in the morning, I wish I had his energy..

Binary Behavior?

Too often I sit here and try to come up with a random topic to feed my frenzy, when the truth is I should just write creatively about my daily crazy experiences-I may just get more feedback. Last night I went to "A talk on bisexuality", sponsored by the Pride Alliance. I dragged a friend along. The talk was given by a woman, "Wendy," who happens to be married to another woman; those two are from Massachusetts. She was interesting, but incredibly long winded with dull pauses in between her similar statements and reading out loud printed facts that we all (all 30!) had a copy of. There was a questionnaire on the back of each that we ended up using for the "interactive" portion of the chat/tutorial. Good to know that people are not lumped into two sexual orientations: Straight or Gay. There is apparently a six digit scale, with the numbers spread across the map. It was so awkward at first, at least for me; my face was red and my pulse burst; a simple game of naming your name and hometown eased the clog and students laughed again. I learned something though, I am not concerned with labels - I am who I am.

Munching on candy corn.

That I am. Note to self, head down to laundry room at 7:20 pm to make the switch. This night, usually one for celebration, is filled to the brim with questions. I considered heading home. I thought about taking a nap. I pondered going downtown. I wondered if clothes shopping would make me happy. In the end, I am sitting here, blogging, doing laundry; doing nothing really. My roommate was asleep which is always fun. I try to be quiet while still making annoying noises, just because. Because of how many times I have been rudely woken up by her. Payback is a fucking bitch. So are you! But yeah, so when the room is dark and silent I am so confused! I do not know what to do with myself. Darkness tends to do that. Now she is awake and there is a small amount of light coming from her vanity mirror. Oh, I know why. She has exactly an hour and a half until she has to be somewhere. That is an hour and a half of getting ready! And spraying hair shit and 20 squirts of perfume!! I need to stop. Breathe. Ahhhhh!!!!!! Get me out of here!!!!!!

Well hello.

Here I am again, the same chair, facing the same direction, my feet are propped up and my back has grown stiff. I love the internet. That post last night cracks me up. I was hammered. I literally passed out cold maybe a half hour after. Two bottles of wine and two beers plus a nice empty stomach equals a wild time ending with unconsciousness. I paid for it today of course. Restless, I kept running to the bathroom and throwing up even though it was 1:30 pm before I actually "got out of bed". My head hurts. I finished my entire bottle of water without using any of it to take pills. I have been binging on everything lately. Food especially. I get these intense cravings for sugar. First it was fast food, I got myself Arby's one night, donuts the next, McDonalds fries after that, milkshakes from Burger King. Yeah this was in the span of maybe 3 days. What a pig. Then it was candy, I would go to the school store and fill up on sweets, or get ice cream (only once thank God) from Cranston, oh and I devoured a whole bag of candy corn - my kryptonite. I fucking love it. Thank you thank you thank you stores for only selling it around October. I literally cannot find it anywhere. My throat hurts and I am trying to figure out why. I smoked a cigerette last night and several in days before that. I even bought a pack, this is a classic example of me binging. I "quit", or so I told myself, but it clearly didn't last because I have zero self control. That is, when it comes to sex. I can control myself quite well when it comes to s-e-x. Maybe because I have not had the greatest sex experiences; how disappointing and true.


No more binge talks. It's time for food porn. I am deranged. Oh and no homework done yet. Ahhh get on track, girl!

I see the first tinge of afternoon through the slightly opened blinds.

I just woke up, 12 pm eastern standard time. I am sleepy and a little hungover. Last night was pretty fun. I definitely met an interesting man. A 20 year old, no less. I mean he is extremely attractive and tall, which is God-like to me, but he has been through some shit and is not afraid to talk about it. He speaks about jail time and running from the law. He tells me about catching his dad cheating on his mom in his bed with a hooker. (Then beating his dad hardcore with a baseball bat). I have never experienced that kind of thing. I mean I have seen cheating take place. But my dad? Hell no. I don't even know how I would feel.

Enough about the boy. My face is frightfully pale and my hair is greasy, time to clean up and go eat breakfast at the dining hall. Yay!

Peace.