The F Word

Father's Day. I sit here alone at 1:00 in the afternoon. Got out of bed past noon. Shit is bleak. 

Here's why:

About two weeks ago my mom said they were having an afternoon cookout on father's day. I felt good about this since we have not had a family get together in the past year and we've lost my aunt and uncle. She said K. was welcome too.  

A week or so later she told me it was postponed due to my aunt being sick with covid-19. And then this past Wednesday evening she said to "be at" their house by 9:00AM for breakfast. Family only. Their house (my childhood home) is a 35 minute drive away. I was immediately put off by this plan for a couple reasons:

1. We always meet somewhere halfway at a restaurant for mother's day and father's day. This is literally what we always do and is a convenient courtesy and compromise that I am on board with. My car has over 100k miles and is very old. Since we weren't doing the cookout it seemed logical that plans would change to this.

2. I work full time, only get the weekends off. They are retired and sleep in until at least 8:00 AM each day. This difference in schedules means that both sides should be taken into consideration.

3. Since it's breakfast at their house, I wouldn't be eating until I was already up, dressed, and on the road for awhile. This would involve waking up around 7:30AM to shower and get ready and drive over on an empty stomach. This is not my idea of fun, if I'm being honest.

4. I earnestly believed that if I expressed myself directly, without making a demand, she would be willing to bend a bit. Perhaps push the time back, or do lunch instead.

So I sent her a text. I started out by saying that I would like to see dad for father's day. I then said a bit about reason #3 above. I asked what else is going on that day?

I was nervous about sending it. In fact, I had felt a prolonged state of tension since I received her message the night before. She has a way of really getting to me. 

Her response to my text? 

"Nothing"

I waited. I showed K. We both agreed that was closed off and cold.

She texted once more: "Your father will be disappointed. Not sure what I'm supposed to tell him."

I said nothing to that. Four days later, she never said anything more. I never said anything more. But I wanted to say:

Are you purposely trying to be inflexible?

Does how I feel matter at all?

Why would you guilt trip me?

You're doing nothing that day? Just waking up, eating breakfast at 9, and then going back to bed?

What's the plan for lunch? What's the plan for dinner? Can we do either of those instead? 

Can we move breakfast to 10:00AM? An extra hour makes a big difference on the weekend and when it's a long drive.

But I said none of that!! Because why should I? Why should I have to pull this out of her? Why can't she communicate with me? She maintains seemingly strong relationships with her good friend and my aunts. Why do I get the bare minimum emotionally? Why did she assume I was trying to fuck up the day? Why did she have to put guilt on me "you're going to disappoint dad" WTF? I literally said, I want to see him! I wasn't making a demand, I wasn't trying to be entitled. Am I lazy? Am I selfish? Why no compromise?

And the answer to much of this is that I've usually obeyed. They call the shots and I fall in line if I want to be in their lives. And I talk a big talk about boundaries. But actually putting them into play is HARD. And it HURTS. 

I don't know why shit went down like this. But I do think it's been a long time coming. There has been progress made on our relationships, but with every step forward there is also a step back. And sometimes the step back is more of a leap. I wish I knew why. I wish it was different. But I also wish I didn't have to be the only one to want different. Why do I have to be the bigger person with my elders?

Hours ago I texted my dad a happy father's day message with hearts. 

He didn't respond.

Last time I saw him, all he did was talk about how much he wishes he was back in their snowbird retirement community. He didn't even get off the couch when I arrived at their house.

I didn't even get him a card. I would've, if I knew for sure I was seeing him. But my mom's silence hurt me deeply. In the past I would have sent a follow up text trying to work with her. This time, I chose to see if she would take further action. She didn't.

Am I the asshole?

I have no idea.

My brain is warped these last few days. This test, show of strength, pushback, I don't even know what you'd call it. This THING with us has had me numb and in deep pain, detached but anxiously attached, fearing the worst, obsessively talking about it with K., feeling that I've done irreparable damage. It's heavy. It weighs a lot. I feel bad but somewhere deep deep down I feel the bittersweet validation that upholding strong boundaries brings. It's a "I told you so" kinda feeling. It had been gnawing at me for years, this thought that they don't care as much about me. But how can that be? They're my parents. Digging deeper, I can see that the validation is actually regarding their mental states: wounded and traumatized. 

But you know what mom and dad? So is mine. I have been through some FUCKED UP SHIT. I'm 36. I'm an adult. And yeah my past sucks. So does yours, I get it. But your life is pretty good right now! You have two houses! You get to leave the cold for the winter! You have adult children that are doing well! You have freedom! My life is pretty good right now too! Let's enjoy this time in our lives!

But you know what? For the most part, people have the choice to either deal with their lot in life, or give up. Stay bitter. Stay broken. Did they give up on healing? I don't know. I sure as fuck haven't. But I do know that I don't have to sign up for mistreatment. Whether it's intentional or not.

I don't want to assume it's intentional. I don't want to dogmatically state that I can be certain of anything regarding them. But I do know their patterns. And I do now know that I was misunderstood, not given the benefit of the doubt, not valued enough to find a compromise with. If that was a friend acting this way, I'd distance myself. It's not easy, natural, or comfortable. But I can distance myself from my parents to protect myself from them. Because I need protection from such negativity. 

I am not a bad person. I did not want to or intend to upset them in any way. If they feel upset, then they can choose to communicate that. But I've only received passive aggression so far. I would hope that any one who is in my life would see that I am trying pretty hard. I mess up a lot, to be fair. I make mistakes. But I am not convinced I made a mistake with all this. I am doing my best not to beat myself up. But it's not working.

Gonna end this here. Thanks for letting me vent, b.

xo

Mi madre

It's 7:15PM on my mom's birthday and I couldn't give a damn. I worked today, it was busy as fuck. I had to leave early to get my dental crown fitting. (Had a root canal a few weeks ago). It took forever! It sucked! I hate the dentist! It took nearly 45 minutes to get home and then I had to finish a few things for work. I called her around 5:30PM. Her and my dad moved to AZ, not sure if I mentioned that. She didn't answer my call but texted me that they were getting food. Ok then. I was hoping to get the call out of the way so I could continue on with my night. But no, they're eating dinner at 2:30PM. *rolls eyes*

I said "Enjoy!" and prepared some dinner for myself. Roasted cauliflower, BBQ tofu. With water to drink. I haven't felt right today, minor cold symptoms and tired of the rat race. I bust my ass at work to a point of overwhelming stress. I neglect duties around the house so that I can sit around after work and surf the web. With lots of weed obv. 

To be fair, I've cut back a lot. I used to smoke way more. I still smoke daily, or have a gummy, but the quantity is less. I've also pretty much stopped drinking.

Where was I even going with this? I'm in a low mood, due to feeling a sense of dread about getting on the phone with my mom. I have documented quite a big in this blog about the emotional damage they've done. I just want to relax but feel on the edge that she'll be calling back any moment. My head is pounding again.

More later.

***

Update - 11:00PM. She never called back. Ignored by my mom on her birthday. I guess I wasn't the only one who didn't want to talk but it doesn't feel great. 

Guess I'm going to go to bed. Getting closer to the weekend and Spring.

xo

Hysterics and Thanksgiving part two

I finally bought myself a laptop. Brand new. On black friday for $150!!! Not bad, not bad. I am connected to my neighbor's wifi and getting used to the keys. It is working well so far.

It is one on saturday afternoon and I woke an hour ago. I have called D. approx 40 times and texted him like 28 times in the past hour. He sent me one text waking me up calling me names and that all was my response. Nothing back. His usual cruel games. We broke up so why do I keep falling for this shit???

I am supposed to be en route to my mom and dad's house but I haven't even showered. Like I said, been making a lot of hysteric calls, crying, smoking a cig outside in the chilly air, and drinking coffee. And now, blogging.

My parent's are having ANOTHER thanksgiving dinner for her side of the family today (we went to my dad's side on the actual holiday) so this basically means TWICE the family madness, TWICE the wine, TWICE the calories. Blah. I have been constantly full with all this family togetherness because my sister is also in town. We had spaghetti the other night, pizza last night, etc. I just gotta be strong and smart.

Maybe I gained a pound, maybe not. I'll hop on the scale when I get there today. I am still thin. I am not too worried. Just want some alone time with my new computer.

I gotta just breathe. And go get ready. Fuck I love when my sis is in town but it's 25 min to and from their house so a lot of driving and GOD KNOWS I am not sleeping there on the couch, even though it would be easier. Fuck it! I need to come back to my chill apt and blaze, man. Be back tonight. Have a good day, all!

I'm back bitches!!!!!


XO
Sar

Life update

It's been awhile. I have been purposely ignoring this blog and not writing because writing means deal with it, face it, look into myself and try to come back to the surface without tripping over my troubles. The thing is, I edited this four page letter to the attorney general from my boss today at work and it made me remember that I like writing. So I'm here because I want to be.

A lot has changed, of course. My guilt and regret about the abortion remain current. Yes, regret, as unbelievable as that sounds. Me, with a baby? I am hardly coping with myself. That is, I smoke weed every day and have been chain smoking cigarettes. Barely eating. TRYING to eat more but just...can't. Don't want to.

D. and I broke up a few weeks ago but have spoken via text or phone every day since. Spoken for the most part meaning fight. We've met up a couple times for food and sex. What the hell kind of break up is this?

It hurts. I love him still, I carried his child that we chose not to keep. We shared a life-changing experience. How can I walk away? The truth is that I'm terrified of being without him. I don't want to be with anyone else having had an abortion. I'm not in therapy anymore but last time I was there I mentioned this and she said you can choose to tell the next guy or not, up to you. So either way I'm fucked! Keep it a secret, a lie...or tell them and potentially damage their view of me. With D. I don't have to worry about that.

With D. I don't have secrets. But, the fact remains that we are not together. I am single. And so not ready to mingle.

I moved about a month ago and it went well, really enjoying my new, nicer spot but feeling incredibly isolated. My two closest friends are in the city I just moved away from. I have friends around here but not across the street like how it was before. I've been having fun though. I went to a concert, had drinks, dinner, brunch, etc with friends in the past few weeks.

The drama with D. and dealing with the after effects of the abortion have been my main focus. Still bleeding off and on, cramps off and on, emotional as fuck. Intense and insane feelings for him. Last week in person we both admitted that we still love each other. We just fight so fucking much. We don't work, which sucks to think.

It's a complicated and confusing situation right now. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to function. There are things, serious things, that need to be done (still): my taxes and student loan stuff. I have been literally been putting them off for months! I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch in my pjs at 8pm like an old lady. Off for the next 3 days. Happy hour tomorrow, headed back to the city to grab some mail, and the bank. Saturday and Sunday are up in the air but hopefully I'll make the best of them. Tonight is me time. Me myself and I, single lady with her cat. Fml.

xo, thanks so much for reading, love to you all.
~S

ETA:
I realized today that I really like helping people by making them feel better, even if it's brief. A patient came in who lost his wife two months ago. He is an elderly man, at first gruff but with kindness. To watch him and his wife was so sweet, he would lead her by arm everywhere, they were an adorable old twosome. Anyway she passed and we just found out when he started coming back (he hadn't been in for a few months). Today I took extra time to talk with him and when I led him to a treatment room I pointed out the large and exquisite painting on the wall. He looked at it, noticed it's beauty and walked to it, touched it and said "I don't think I've ever noticed this before. It IS nice." It was such a cool moment, and I felt very present. I also felt like I had helped him in my own way, by pointing out a little beauty to allow him to become present too, and maybe for an instant not feel intense grief.

Live despite the madness imprisoning you

This lovely message was apparently taped to our family fridge sometime between last night and this morning.

I woke up and went to the fridge to refill my water and ice, saw this, and gagged.

Actually I didn't, I smiled inside while keeping a horrified expression on my face; I texted my mom, "this sign on the fridge is borderline offensive", and she responded with, "don't look at it, it's only for me".

No wonder I have so many issues.

***

So now I'm sitting here, sipping on iced coffee with no added sugar or cream, taking a couple small hits off my bowl, and blogging my little heart out. I haven't ate anything, so my stomach is churning in a odd way. Life is so fucking busy since I started this job. Tomorrow will be the end of my fifth week there. Where am I going? What the hell am I even doing?

I spend my days working, listening to music on my headphones, and daydreaming about the future and what I want and where I can possibly go. How do I figure it all out? 

I need to remember, I've accomplished step one. I've got a job. It's full time hours with tons of benefits offered. If I stay. Which I probably will, at least for now.

I enjoy getting a paycheck every week, I like seeing friends on the job, I relish the 3 breaks I get per day. I tell myself, inside my crazy head, "you're not stuck here". I seek a better, more fulfilling life. I try to remember, "wherever you go, there you are". If I can find peace within, I can do anything.

I've been losing weight. I'm down to 140 and I'm getting back into the 130's dammit, if it's the last thing I do. Eating less is key. I am not very physically active at the moment, but I can envision that changing. 

My bony wrists keep me motivated. I work with my hands and I try to incorporate as much movement into what I'm doing as possible. I sometimes just stare at my skinny arms. I often look down at the awesome space between my thighs. I am the thinnest out of my "work friends group". I imagine that they stare with envy at my jutting collarbones (showing more and more lately) during lunch (I always pull my hair back when I eat; the rest of the time it's down, my long hair usually hides my bones...I kind of like it that way. My collarbones are just such an obvious sign that I restrict. Or perhaps it's just obvious to me? What do you think?).

Listen to "The Only Living Boy In New York" by Simon and Garfunkel if you want to pretend we are chillen in the same room, burning one, being pals.

Dancing is my favorite "work out". Over the weekend at my friend's wedding, I danced so much. I heard 2 compliments, one that I am "light on my feet" (!) and one that I'm "very graceful". Go me!

I need to end this post, but I don't want to. It's nice just sitting here, pouring out pent up feelings to the anonymous world. 

The placebo effect of vitamins amazes me.

Think thin today. Be the thinnest at your work. Stay strong against temptation! The other day a woman was walking around with cupcakes from somebody's birthday and stopped my friend and I in the hallway at work. Did we want a blue frosted cupcake? My friend took one. I stayed strong and kept my mind focused on the end result. I refused the damn cupcake. Just like the three cakes in the break room over the past few weeks. I did not bother taking a slice or three. I didn't need it, but more importantly, I did not want it. I don't want all that extra sugar. I don't even like cake, honestly.

If I'm going to have sugar it's going to be on my terms. I'll eat if I buy it, if I make that choice. I'm trying not to make that choice though. Either way, I will not allow for an unplanned sweet sugar bomb. Because that stuff makes you fat.

And I won't be fat. Not ever. Fuck, I'd avoid having kids and just adopt if my situation ever came to that. Not that I have a romantic prospect. I was talking to this guy I met recently, but I haven't really heard from him. So I'm assuming he met someone else and I should probably do the same.

***

Peace, lovers.

Xo

Sar

Peter Cottontail

I survived Easter. My family treats any holiday as a chance to binge on various fattening foods. I gazed around the table after we ate; I viewed their bloated discomfort, full but overly-satisfied grimaces, how they'd lean back in the chair to put as much space between tummy and pant waistband as possible... Gross. Thankfully no one unbuttoned their pants.

Here's what I ate: mashed potatoes, corn, asparagus, coleslaw, a roll (with butter!), some black olives, this pineapple cottage cheese salad and a spoonful of applesauce. Water to drink. Dessert was a slice of vanilla frosted "bunny cake"... AKA gross fat buttery shortening, white flour, sugar, empty calorie deliciousness. My dinner portions were small-ish. I could have done worse.

I had a cup of black coffee and felt my digestive system speed the fuck up. Hey, every little bit helps.

After our dysfunctional dinner, I left to go get high with my bff. It was relaxing.

I just got home and ate chocolate. I'm freaking out, but I did my sideways mirror check thing and feel almost satisfied. My ribs waved to me, my hip bones stood at attention. I'm still hungry...

Phew.

I really overdid it today, but tomorrow will be a fresh start. I'm already planning to take a walk down to the library to return some books and magazines I checked out the other week. A walk at a brisk pace will be refreshing and aerobic. Can't wait.

Ugh. So much has been going on and I've been a bad blogger. It's funny because I'm so quick to tell people that I'm a writer.

God, what a fraud I am.

Think thin.

XO
~Sar~

Family Dynamics

Today was Grandma's "service". RIP. Since I've made it a habit to study those around me with the scrutinizing gaze I use on myself, I started contemplating my "role" in the family. What do I bring forth? After the church service, we gathered at my Aunt's to eat. That was our purpose. Also to talk. Which you know I'm just thrilled about, the questions about school, is it over? about my job, where are you working? oh you're not employed? take the civil service exam!

Gag~

Where was I? Ok so long story short, I walk into the room and everyone takes notice. I am the "young" single attractive college grad. And as much as I detest being at the center of attention, I also adore it. The spotlight shows my good side and my thinness is obviously contributing. It's a bittersweet feeling. I can take all eyes on me on a good day. Today, I fasted until the meeting-up-to-eat situation, so showing off my body in the clingy navy blue shirt and black sexy trousers felt alright. My clothes were loose on me the entire time, so that's just awesome.

It feels great to cheerfully eat in front of everyone when you know you're the thinnest in the room. Envious sidelong glances aplenty. I was too busy chanting in my head, it's ok! it's ok! eating is ok right here and now! to notice. Talking to myself helped me plow through: some fruit; some celery with the smallest amount of ranch dip; 1 roll with a slice of provolone, a slice of lettuce, a slice of tomato, and 2 pickle circles; 2 small cookies; 1 "cheesecake mini cookie" type deal. Also, some black coffee and a water bottle.

No soda for me. No fatty lunchmeat or macaroni salad. No cake, for God's sake. Boo please. Who eats that shit? It's 2011. Get real.

So my mood seems to have taken a turn for the worse while I was describing what I ate today. No wonder, I pigged the fuck out.

Alright. Be easy, yo's! Think thin =)

A reminder

5:57 p.m.

My mom just called. My grandma is dead. I didn't expect to feel such pain inside. I'm sort of still in shock but there is a jagged edge tearing apart my lungs. My face is scrunched up with a sob; I sigh. I am sad. It wasn't a sudden shock, luckily. We knew it was coming. It just sucks to have to wait for someone to die. The waiting is now over. It's over, she's gone.

I just took a minute to let some toxic tears out of my eyes.

Death is a slap in the face. YOU'RE GOING TO DIE. Everyone, everywhere. Today, tonight, tomorrow, the next day, and so on for eternity. Death is inevitable.

Remembering that assuages my senses. I took a cleansing breath. I'm home alone. My parents are "taking care of the arrangements", my brother is at work. I am here, the unemployed. I have my bowl in front of me, it's packed and I'm smoking. I have a box of tissues at my side and a garbage can on the floor near my desk. I am alone, no one will be here for awhile. Alone and reflective.

I just wanted to share.

Rage is relative, so is thinness

It's one in the morning and I'm high after a long day. As expected, things at home are...tense. My dad and I got in a fight today. He was off because of a dentist appointment and was not around when I woke, freezing, to a 60 F house. It was probably 20 F outside. So, like I've done many times, I turned the heat up to 66 or 67.

He came home, I went to the kitchen (a mistake in more ways than one) and he turned to me, angrily; he said, "did you turn the heat up?". His eyes conveyed such rage; my defenses rose instantly and I responded, "I did, I woke up and it was 60 in here." (A lie, it was maybe 62). Long story short, we started yelling at each other, he turned his back on me, putting a barrier and physical distance between us, and walked away. It was the first time I saw him this day and he didn't say hey or hello or good afternoon; he found a reason to pick a fight and victimize me, leaving me empty and longing for a different upbringing.

I started crying softly, and walked to my room and shut the door. I'd come out only twice while my parents were up. I read for awhile and then went to sleep around 8 pm and woke back up to seven texts from this one dude E. I've been talking to. That was around 11 pm.

I then left the house with the intention of getting food. All I ate today was a amy's light in sodium vegetable lasagna tv dinner [290 calories], homemade vegetable soup [150 cal] and 1 slice of bread [70]. I was craving something, but it wasn't food. I got in my car with a bowl and drove. I (luckily) got high and started thinking clearly about what I was doing. I didn't get food. At the last minute I turned into a 24 hour coffee place and got a small french vanilla cappucino [240] and came home. It's obviously after midnight and into tuesday so I'd say monday food-wise, was decent.

I am hurt by my dad and researching "daddy issues" and feeling a sense of deja vu when I read the descriptions. I am sick of this. I've been home almost 2 weeks and it's just so awkward and lifeless and straining and I'm just ready to leave all over again. I need a job though. I don't have one yet and I can't move until I have a source of income. I can tell my dad resents me for this. He just worked 7 days in a row so I can understand being tired, but is it really necessary to talk to me so roughly and condescendingly and with eyes of contempt? It's not. He doesn't really do it to my brother or my mom; he despises my presence here and it's sucking the life out of me.

And because of all that I am vowing to continue this restriction. I am vowing to keep shedding pounds because I am not thin enough.

I'm doing it again, I'm anxiously chewing on the insides of my lips as I write this.

I've got some stuff to take care of and I need to stay positive. I've been having some good times with my friends here. There are a few male prospects. I am not as fat as I was last month. Or the month before. I am losing weight slowly but surely. I will not binge. I will not wreck this.

I'm listening to the grateful dead and I'm high and I made a good choice tonight. I can get a job. I am flying south to see my sister and baby nephew at the end of the month! I have something to look forward to and that's that.

No offense on the fb delete, *Flushed* - I got paranoid.

Think thin, all. Stay strong every minute. Let the decision to over-indulge weigh heavily on your minds. It's not worth it.

Thinspiration -~-~-~~->

Xo Sar

That little whipper snapper

So Friday wasn't so good. Me and my bestie had a great time catching up and partying, but my night turned sour after I saw T. play guitar in his band. He was majestic. (Did I really just say that?) He is emotionally UNavailable and currently living with his girlfriend. I found this out at the bar when I asked his buddy if they were serious.

I was really drunk at this point. I started crying. Not extremely or obvious, but I was shedding real tears over that asshat.

Ha.

I'm pretty sure I acted a fool. All night. We even took a taxi home because I was such a drunken mess. I scarfed down half of an eggplant parmesan sub in my "glory". I passed out cold with all my jewelry on. I woke, feeling indifferent to the situation, and very very out of it. Drinking mass quantities sucks, and kills so many brain cells.
(In case you're wondering the sub was NOT good, it was greasy and gross and very very bad for me) (and you ... stay away)

Saturday was a day of recovery. I chilled out and smoked and ate some microwaved frozen foods. 

The next day was Sunday - my parents came to visit.

I'd like to just end it there but that's pointless. Their visit was just depressing. But hey I should be happy, right? I got a free dinner out of it, yay, that's what they're probably thinking though. Fuck that. I was hoping for some decent conversation or something. What I got was two very depressed people stuffed into my small studio apartment. My Dad turned on the tv before I could take off my shoes and watched football. My Mom sauntered around, looking through things and opening my fridge (wtf?) while making small talk and complimenting my mediocre interior decorating skills.

I feel sick just remembering it.

My Dad was in another world. He was there at dinner, eating, but not really there in the sense that I'd like. We could have chatted. I tried. I gave him a book for his belated birthday (which was a few days after mine, I just didn't see him) but he seemed less than thrilled about it. He gave it to my Mom to put in her purse.
He did not give me a birthday gift this year. Actually, as far back as I can remember my Dad has never specifically given me a gift from him. It was always this "joint endeavor" ... forever in my Mom's handwriting. Just like Christmas.

My relationship with my Dad reflects my relationships with most guys, most recently being T. I crave the attention of someone who does not need me. My Dad started this, by not giving me enough love and attention. I, in return, desperately did anything for his attention. It didn't work for my best interests; his response to my attempts was to get mad and ignore. Both then and now. So Little Miss Daddy Issues aka ME will do just about anything to get a guy, but it's always the guy who's so hard to reach.

Getting back to our evening...

My Aunt and her husband come out of nowhere. They were out on a drive along this route that goes for miles, from town to town and remembered that my parents were visiting me. We were in the middle of dinner and my Mom's phone rang. She answered, of course. Why wouldn't she answer her cell phone in the middle of dinner? They came to visit me in my freaking college town and neither of them wanted to be there and it sucks and it hurts but getting back to my POINT.

My Aunt, Mom, and I ended up talking a walk through this Spiritualist town located nearby. It was decent. I was aware of myself through new eyes, if that makes sense. They were acting so  ... girlish and naive. And there I was, Ms. Adventurous. Ms. Fearless. Ms. Tour Guide.

What the hell? What's with the switching up of the roles? Not that I believe in "roles" but you know? They are the saddest creatures I've seen, sadder than me, even. 

They are both (Mom & Aunt) in unhappy marriages. They're sisters. They never ever lived for themselves. It was straight into a Man's home after leaving the nest. Their nest was a dysfunctional, drunken one. But I don't have the fingers to go there. Mine are already aching from all this heavy handed typing. Heavy-hearted heated heathen, my grandfather was.

I must be feeling poetic today.

Oh. Now I remember why I began this post in the first place. My cat ~that muthafucka~ JUMPED on top of the Tv and knocked the cable box to the floor. It broke.

I rent. Do I contact my landlord or the cable company? Obviously I'll offer to pay for it but holy shit this reallllly sucks and I am not going to do a damn thing about it until later in the week. Shit. Maybe I should email my landlord tonight. 

I'm screwed.

I'm sick of it all.

I need to go take another walk. That was relaxing yesterday. I walked a couple miles yesterday and it really felt good. I am getting high again. I can't blog now. I can't live.

Think thin

Eyes off me.

I woke up in a nasty mood. I'm just pissed off. It might be because the attention is NOT on me, it's on my sister and her new baby. They're all coming here tomorrow, for a long weekend visit. I am really excited, truly...it's been awhile since I've seen my sister and her husband and I've NEVER seen the new baby...but today I'm mad.

So what do I do? Blog. And I just put on "Shakedown Street" by the Grateful Dead. I'm still coughing my lungs out, and that really sucks. How ladylike, how classy of me, to be hacking up a lung every ten minutes in the morning. Maybe I should drink something, maybe I should eat....HAHA JOKE.

Like eating would help a goddamn thing. I hate fucking food. I ate last night, it's becoming a tradition. I wait until everyone goes to bed, because no one can know I eat, and then I go binge, essentially.
Last night it was a veggie burger with lettuce and mustard on a sandwich thin. I'm sorry, but those Arnold Sandwich Thins that everyone keeps raving about just taste like chalk to me.
Chalky chalk.
But I ate it anyway, and then got some cereal and scarfed that down, quickly, so no one knows or hears.
Then I ate an apple and a banana.
Full yet? Nope, not hardly. This was at two in the morning.

So then I got creative; I cut an ice cream sandwich in half and put both halves in a bowl. Then I topped it with a spoonful of creamy peanut butter. Finally, I added some chocolate syrup and smashed it all together, and my goodness, it was good. But so fattening. But then I was done. Full. Satiated.

Well not really, I started chewing gum like crazy until I was tired enough to contemplate sleeping. And so I slept, tossing and turning, with sexual dreams. That's right. In my dream I was getting freaky with a sexy, BUILT black man. It was hot, I'm not going to lie. I woke to my brother calling me from work, freaking out because he didn't have his cell phone.
I guess that put me in a bad mood.

Also, I've gained. (Obviously, you're saying, because one cannot binge without gaining). I stepped on the scale when I woke and it said 133.

Kill

Me

Now


!!!!!



What the fuck happened to my will power??

What the fuck is wrong with me? I was blaming the weight gain on my period, but now that's done so there's no excuse for me.
I hate me.

I will do my best to RESTRICT LIKE MAD this weekend. All eyes should be OFF me, so hopefully it'll be easy. I just can't fucking wait to move. I want to be alone.

It hurts...and it kills.

It sucks to realize that I am not what my parents wanted.
My mom freely admitted to me that my Dad did not want any more kids. She did. My whole life has been her defending me to him, her helping my case, her loving me more, her spending bonding time with me. Dad just handed over the money. I just got in a nasty fight with her. Money is SUCH a fucking issue in my family and I hate it!! In fact, my main goal in life is to get by with less money than the norm. Of course I am nowhere near it, just the mindset.

I can't even talk about this. It is all so internal, so unexplainable, so hard to find the words to portray the hurt. There are no words for it. Family is a four letter word. I have so many memories of my mom defending my Dad to me, or me to my Dad. He used to pick on me so much. He was always "joking". I "never got it". I was "too sensitive". I was a "drama queen". I was never enough. My sense of "me" is tainted by black tar.

In other news, it is 7 at night and I am eating fruit snacks. First thing I ate all day. And doing laundry, which involves lots of stair climbing. Might do 4 loads : )

Besides wanting to slit my wrists right now, I am okay. I have pot. I have somewhat healthy snacks. I have breath in my lungs and a new cd!!! from T.
He is cute. We hung out last night and laughed and laughed. He is fun. He is kissable but it has not happened. Yet.

You will be the first to know.

Starve On.
Think Thin.

My sister got married in Las Vegas tonight. I miss her, and what it was like to live in the same house when we were younger.