May flowers?

Sometimes I forget how to breathe.
Sometimes I forget how to walk.
Sometimes I forget who I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've neglected blogging because I stopped caring about sharing myself with others. I stopped wanting to express my innermost self through the written word.
It used to be treat. Or maybe just a ruse. I feel like fraud, coming back to Blogger, hoping that maybe you're still out there. I suppose I could pretend that you are.

An update of sorts:

I'm enjoying the single life. I'm talking to C. again, and still crushing on D. from work. Ah, to be young and boy-crazy.

I've been smoking pot every single day sometimes all day. It's too much, and I reassure my therapist I will try to quit, but can I?

My dad is still in the hospital. He had major open surgery almost 2 weeks ago. It took the surgeons 12 hours to remove the tumor. He will be ok. Our relationship is improving. I feel that we dodged a bullet.

I'm slipping. I'm eating. I hate myself every other day. This year has gotten off to such a rough start. First the breakup with J. and then my dad getting seriously sick so suddenly. I'm trying to stay positive despite the stress but it's fucking impossible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Currently listening to Regina Spektor. Smoking a bowl. Drinking water. My neck aches from headbanging to some rock music the other night. My body is supremely exhausted and begging for sleep. My car's gas tank is thirsty for gas, all the driving to visit my dad in the hospital is taking a toll on my wallet.

Complaining, is that what this is? Who the fuck am I? Some jaded working class citizen with a need to be thinner and the willingness to starve. I am sofucked up.

Whatever. I'll change when I want to.

Peace.

-s

Bones...

I don't get it.

How can my life and feelings and attitude change so much?

T. and I talked at the bar last night, and on the phone for an hour after, and today when we met for coffee.

Surprise, surprise.

No seriously. I don't know why. You guys know where I was last time I wrote; I had deleted him from my life.
But when I was at work last night, he texted me. We exchanged back and forth for a few hours, then I mentioned the bar I was going to with my neighbor. Then he showed up there.
At first I ignored him and talked to others. He eventually said, "You can't just pretend I'm not here." What? You noticed?? So then we started talking and smiling and joking and quasi-bickering, while others looked on and attempted to interrupt. T. and I ignored them though. We continued until I left with my friend so she could get food (nothing for me, thanks). My phone beeps a few minutes later, it was T, texting:

"I wanted to kiss you."

I said, "Same, come smoke with us."
So he came over and it was a group of us at my neighbors place. Including Tom, T, and me. Ha. First time for that awkward situation.

Needless to say, the group dispersed and went their separate ways. I went upstairs and called T. That was when we talked and it was helpful I think, except we were both drunk. He a lot more wasted than I.

Today we got coffee. He is at work now. He invited me to come over after (midnight). I am going to go there.
Sigh.

Deep breath.

Should I do this?? Should I risk it??

My feelings are so jagged and rocky and mixed and messed up. I just want to be happy. I don't want to be played with. Oh you guys, my heart. It tends to show up on my sleeve and my face when I look at T. He's fucking gorgeous. It's not fair.

I need to take a break.

I can't. I just need to finish this post, find a conclusion. In all honesty my stomach is in nervous knots and I am apprehensive and worried about T. flirting with female coworkers. I am just always worrying about everything. What I will do is the dishes. I will also put away some clothes. I will also clean the cat litter. Ok. A plan. A purpose.

I feel sick.

What is love? Will I ever know?

Think thin.
I love feeling my bones.
Don't you?

Am I psychotic?

My eyes my eyes.

I have nothing to say but I feel like I should write. I took a pen and drew a circle around my wrist, like an ana bracelet. Except blue and very thin. It is fading but after I shower I will redraw it. It is a focus, a way of forgetting about stupid food.
So far I have had 673 calories today.

That means nothing to me. Calories are not the problem. I judge myself by how I look. I look fat still. Last night T. stayed over, we did it then went to sleep. Naked. I couldn't stop feeling for bones. My hip bones felt great! I ran my hands all over his body, feeling for his bones too. He is thin, I would say. Really sexy and thinspirational for sure. Yeah so we got freaky. I am usually extremely self-conscious while nude but with T. all I can focus on is making him feel good...and I forget I even have a body. No, that's not true...I think about how he is pleasuring me. And may I just say he is quite amazing in bed!

I freaked out a little last night, it was bad. Before all that ^ .. something happened: I grew noticably quieter and stiffer, I wouldn't look at T. I just felt extremely paranoid about the situation, which was us and his friends drinking and smoking. This dude J. mentioned to T. something like, "blah that chick, the redhead?" with a goofy ass smile. And I grew irrepairably jealous. I did not even mention it to him. I just made up some lame shit (when he asked me what was up) about being lonely on Christmas and how I wished we could be together on New Years. Ding ding is the bell I ring for I am a stupid girl.

After consuming large quantities of liquor I started getting all teary on our walk out of the bar b/c earlier I had asked him if he wanted to stay together and he was all for it. But once my little "episode" started I began to have second thoughts.
So anyways we are walking and he kept asking whether or not I wanted him to come home with me or not, and I kept not answering, or saying I wasn't sure. He basically just walked me to my apartment, up the stairs, into the door, onto the couch; I lost it. I have shattered my pride, I have admitted too many faults to him. No, I mentioned nothing about this obsession with food and losing. I just kinda changed the subject to me doing terrible in school, I'm a failure, blah blah. Looking back I am now wondering if I was putting on a show.

I am fucking manipulative.

Getting back to last night, this is kinda hot, but we went from laying on the couch (he was holding me) and talking/me freaking out to us going upstairs, getting naked super fast, and having passionate sex. It was hot, I'm really not holding back, sorry if this is too much information...but you know you like it : )

Wow, guess I needed to get that out. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep then had to get up and drive T. home and go to work. I am beat. I have an entire paper to write tomorrow that I am turning in late, monday. Slacker...gawd. Yet tonight I plan to be with T. again.

Tell me, am I obsessed?

I am unfocused and uncomfortable, high and tired, excited and sick.

I am done with this eating shizz. Fuck food. I would rather be skinny and have electrifying bedroom behavior than eat and be pudgy and shy.

Oh, the self-loathing. It comes and it comes. Just now I typed "bitch" than backspaced. I was calling myself a bitch because my self is no angel and certainly not smart.

Gotta shower. I need to relax.

Think thin. Always.

xo

Shadow covers me.

I am so thankful that nothing serious happened to my brother and mother in the car accident they were in today : (

I feel sick (again). I cleaned out my kitten's litter box and felt the need to vomit. I didn't, but could have easily and speaking of my kitten he is thinspiring. I feel his bony back and neck bones. So small, fragile. I feel some of my bones, not nearly enough of them stick out. Soon, though. Merlin (my new kitty) walks away from his food. I love it. I pour it in his dish, he eats 'til he is satisfied, then walks away.

I shall practice that. Smart kitty.

The scale is holding steady at 131-132 ish. At all times of the day : ) I am 5'8, so how bad/fat is this???

Think thin/ Stay strong.