Baggy clothes are a mixed blessing

Hope you all had a great holiday! I celebrated Christmas in a big way: NFL game on the Eve, lots of food and drink all weekend, and good times with family and friends. I gave and received nice gifts. I haven't stepped on the scale since last week. That all changes tomorrow. I allowed myself some indulgences but for no longer. It's time to get serious.

Although, some days I feel too thin. Can you believe that? My clothes are just too baggy! I'm not exactly complaining but I like to look good, and no one looks good when their clothes are hanging off. I'm not rich so I can't keep shopping for new stuff...I'm just not buying jeans for awhile and the dryer is my new best friend.

Oh, and last week I bought a shirt from bebe, size XS. That's extra small. Because I'm apparently shrinking back to my high school body. It looks super cute on me and I wore it to J.'s when we exchanged gifts. We are still dating. He gave me a Vera Wang necklace and a purse. I gave him a hat and a lava lamp. We're too fucking adorable.

Be strong. Peace.

XO

~Sar~

December blues

Currently listening to the Nutcracker. Drinking black coffee. Smokin' up. Down another pound.

Work has been awful. I'm "not where I should be at 6 months" according to my boss. Cue huge blow to my self esteem. HUGE because I take everything personally. I have to. That's how I roll. And the worst part is that he's right. But I am not the only one to blame. My trainer has been such a slacker. Everyone in my department is, really. I feel like I have no friends there. I feel like a stupid idiot. I feel like escaping, quitting, bouncing out, leaving them high and dry.

I can't remember a worse work week. I have no choices here unfortunately. I can't quit. I can't take a sick day. I need the money so I need this job. I'm going to get serious about looking for another in the new year. Until then I must stick it out.

This time of year is complex. The kid part of me is excited to get presents.  I enjoy the holiday lights and our festive Christmas tree. The adult part of me is bummed because the magic is gone. Expectations are diminished. I'm broke, working a shitty job and driving a shitty car.

For God's sake! Why can't I just look on the bright side?

***

Time to get ready for work. 2 more shifts until the weekend. Hoping today goes a little better.

\Think thin and Stay strong/

XO
Sar

Peter Cottontail

I survived Easter. My family treats any holiday as a chance to binge on various fattening foods. I gazed around the table after we ate; I viewed their bloated discomfort, full but overly-satisfied grimaces, how they'd lean back in the chair to put as much space between tummy and pant waistband as possible... Gross. Thankfully no one unbuttoned their pants.

Here's what I ate: mashed potatoes, corn, asparagus, coleslaw, a roll (with butter!), some black olives, this pineapple cottage cheese salad and a spoonful of applesauce. Water to drink. Dessert was a slice of vanilla frosted "bunny cake"... AKA gross fat buttery shortening, white flour, sugar, empty calorie deliciousness. My dinner portions were small-ish. I could have done worse.

I had a cup of black coffee and felt my digestive system speed the fuck up. Hey, every little bit helps.

After our dysfunctional dinner, I left to go get high with my bff. It was relaxing.

I just got home and ate chocolate. I'm freaking out, but I did my sideways mirror check thing and feel almost satisfied. My ribs waved to me, my hip bones stood at attention. I'm still hungry...

Phew.

I really overdid it today, but tomorrow will be a fresh start. I'm already planning to take a walk down to the library to return some books and magazines I checked out the other week. A walk at a brisk pace will be refreshing and aerobic. Can't wait.

Ugh. So much has been going on and I've been a bad blogger. It's funny because I'm so quick to tell people that I'm a writer.

God, what a fraud I am.

Think thin.

XO
~Sar~

Unforgiving

I'm supposed to be packing, because it's a few days before Christmas and I am expected at home, but I'm not. I'm sitting here, smoking and listening to good music. I'm sipping some tea and making a list. No food yet, it's already after noon.

Looks like I won't be seeing J. until after Christmas. I'm not upset. OK, yes I am. Of course I am. This feels all too familiar though. I read some old posts from right around this time last year, and I was pining for T. like I am currently obsessing over J. However with J., it's like a detached attachment. Does that make sense? Maybe I am just using him as a distraction for my ever-changing thoughts. I am focusing on him instead of focusing on my future. It's like I'm willing to sit back, contentedly, while my (future) husband brings in the bacon mucho dinero.

Really Sar? A housewife? That's your ambitious plan? HA! What a joke I am.

To be perfectly honest I've been feeling pretty down on myself lately. You wouldn't think so, what with college coming to a close and whatnot, but I really just have experienced so much self-loathing as of late.

Today, my neck is killing me. I slept on it wrong, that's what happens. It's a reminder that my body is in fact aging. Sick.

ENOUGH NEGATIVITY, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!

This post sucks. I don't suck. Nope! Haven't sucked anything in almost a freakin' year. What is WRONG with me? The only action I get is in my dreams. I guess I just push every possibility away.

The farthest J. and I have gone is kiss. A little tiny bit of dirty texting, but nothing more. It just PROVES that he is not as attracted to me as I am to him. Disappointing! I must remember that I can't change people. I must also get thinner! Because who doesn't like a skinny girl?

I must say I was looking great over the weekend, nice and thin. Bony even. However I've been eating a little more the past day (yesterday only) because I am about to leave this place for almost a week & I didn't want the produce to go to waste. I can see where it shows is my point.

The only way to be as skinny as I want to be is to not eat. It's so fucked up but eating anything causes me bloat! Even veggies! It's soo weird.

I'll leave you on that note. Think thin. I'll probably be updating regularly once I'm home because there will be constant food temptation there. I just need to be smart.

Peace

&thinness

are my

ReligiOn.

Xo ~ Sar

I'm the other woman

Why is being thin the only thing that matters?

My hip bones are poking out and my stomach is empty and my head is spinning and I am falling falling falling down the rabbit hole, like Marya warned, and I'm scared.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
So so true that is.

I have been *successfully* restricting the past few days. On thanksgiving I piled little spoonfuls of all the side dishes on my plate and sampled them. I was so "full" I couldn't finish. I left all the food on my plate, I looked around our table of nine, and saw clear dishes. I had no dessert; I took a nap. I was the odd one out, the strong one, the vegetarian, the disciplined little brat who made everyone uncomfortable with her jutting collarbones and sallow complexion.

The best part of the week was Wednesday, the night before thanksgiving. I went out with my best friend and we got smashed. We ended up getting a ride back to her house with these guys (we knew them) and getting crazy in her living room, while her mom slept upstairs. No sex, just lots of making out..

I was hooking up with J. but he APPARENTLY has a girlfriend, who's going to school in Vermont. I stalked her on facebook and of course she's gorgeous, thin, and there were tons of pictures of the two of them. APPARENTLY they are not in love, though. Whatever, not my problem. Him and I have just been texting non stop and he's called me twice. I might see him tonight.

Oh god and I'm getting sick. My whole head hurts. My throat feels sore. My stomach feels funny. But I WILL BE THIN!

Because being thin is all that matters....



Think thin*

xo Sar