Is there a reason for anything?

It's late Friday night. I worked until 1AM and there is nothing to eat here. I'm smoking and drinking water. I feel the emptiness within. I've been starving myself all week. I need to be thinner. I let it go for a brief bit, but that's done.

We texted a few days but conversation with Z. faded quicker than I thought. I never got the plan B. I could give a damn right now.

I drank so much at work tonight. Everyone was. It's getting bad there.

It's late and I'm supposed to be back in a few hours for a meeting. I've made the decision to skip it. I'll get there when I get there to work a freaking double. Screw them. So much drama. Everyone is fake. It's stressful and I'm getting ready for a change..

C. has been really volatile, accusing, and defensive towards me. He sent me some dramatic texts and even called me when I was at work tonight. Of course he doesn't answer when I call him back. Men! So confusing and fickle.

I need to sleep. Good night.
xo

Softcore

I feel like such an ass. You know how M. and I have been talking again? Well he came over last night. My area has been getting rocked by the blizzard so everyone has basically been staying in and drinking. Anyway - I was drunk. We were hanging out, smoking, talking, listening to music and just enjoying each other's company in a mellow setting.

The next moment we're kissing and getting naked. He's hard as a rock. I put my hand on him and he says in a soft voice, "you've made my dick hard". I knew what to do. The choice had to be made. I say back, "maybe I should do something about it" or something sexual like that. He sits down on my couch, I get on my knees and suck him off quickly and expertly. His cock is huge.

It was awkward afterward. We're half dressed and he just came. Normally a guy would be like, "my turn". Well my life isn't fucking normal. He didn't say anything, just put his clothes and coat on and started for the goddamn door. No pleasure for me. No offer to go down on me. No "that was the best blow job I've ever had". No text when he got home. And haven't heard from him yet today.

I feel like such a fucking ass. Did he use me?? We were having a good time and this was like the fifth or sixth time we've hung out. I was just "in the moment" you know?? Am I a slut?? For what it's worth, he does seem like a decent guy. I just don't know him well enough.

Feeling so confused today. Trying like hell not to regret. Trying not to send him a text. Thank god I go to work soon. That will get my mind off this mess. Maybe it's not really a mess and I'm totally overreacting. Maybe he feels ashamed. Maybe he feels nothing. Maybe he is done with me. Maybe he is a total player...

...which reminds me. Him and I are facebook friends and he's been on fb all day (per the newsfeed scroll thing on the side). Becoming friends with people. Liking people's stuff. Some fake looking blonde wrote on his wall today, "hello old friend" or some crap like that and HE WROTE HI HOW R YA? BACK.

Fuck! I'm an idiot.

Deep breath. No regrets.

Chalk it up as experience.

This is not the end of the world.

Stop freaking out and get on with your day.

Any comments/ideas/advice GREATLY WELCOMED at this point.

xx

Friday

I'm 24 years old but last night I bought a night light. Pathetic, but necessary. I have developed a strange fear of the dark. I've been waking up with a scream, terrified of the blackness of the night. It's just a little bronze star. I feel like a fucking loser admitting that to the world, but it's not like I plan to tell anyone else about it.

To get ready for tonight (my best friend is visiting!):
Take a shower, shave legs, look pretty. Wash dishes. Clean (litterbox, vaccuum, bathroom, empty garbages & recycling). Buy booze. Buy a cute top (maybe). Class at one. Do homework for class. Damn I want to do pretty much all of that before class, and it's already after nine. I also want to blaze but that might have to wait. Maybe not. It's not like I volunteer much in class, anyway. If I'm stoned I'll be peaceful.

Tea. Water. Tea. Water. Gummy Vitamins. Water. Water. Water.

We're going to check out T.'s band tonight. Ohgod. Not because I want to support him, but because I want to distract him. From his gf. I don't exactly envision this happening/going smoothly, so I plan to be quite drunk. The plan is for us to get really fucked up (high & drunk) and "crash" this house party/ house show. I will get as close to the stage as I can when he's performing. Everyone will become enlightened off endorphins as the night proceeds. I will give him a hug and say what a great job he did.
And that's it.

There's tons of other guys around and if T. wants to be chained to his emo girlfriend ... well ... sucks to be him. I'll just be out there getting my game on. With my best friend. SO excited to see her and show her my new apartment. I remember when she came and stayed in my old place (the one that burnt down). We had a really good time :) But there is a better place for her to sleep here. For me too, I love my bed. It's freaking comfortable.

I'm newly obsessed with checking out the "stats" tab on here.

I'm bloated from my friend mother nature. Midols will be popped shortly.

I bought some se7en for all mankind jeans. Yes, I know. I'm not a label freak but they are damn comfy. And a little baggy, which I like.

My hair is a rat's nest right now, lol. A shower will surely help.

My face has been breaking out like WHOA! For the past week of two! What the hell???

I still don't know what I weigh. I kinda wish I did, but I'm kinda glad I don't.

Eats yesterday included a decent amount of veggies and fruit.

Time to do a bunch of stuff, have a great weekend!

Thinspo:

She's gorgeous. I love her dress and arms.

I love her dress too, damn. Maybe today I'll buy a dress.

Nice back. Every other day I twist so I can see my back; I look for bones. Rib bones.

 

I dig the vintage look.

Hey skinny goddess in the flowers.

I'm going to mimic the models. I'd like to be thinner. I am working on it everyday.

Today I don't look half bad :) 

That knowledge propels me forward.

Think thin.

<3~Sar

Drunken haze.

I'm so incredibly hungover. When will I learn not to drink on an empty stomach? It's funny, actually, because I knew I was going out last night, so I purposely ate 2 scrambled eggs and 3 slices of whole wheat toast. Apparently that is not enough, haha, because after 5 beers I puked in a bar bathroom. My friend that I was with thought that eating would help me, because "I'm so tiny" (LOL) so she bought me a veggie burger and fries. I ate most of it, and then threw it allllll up in the parking lot. Right in front of her, and she's saying, "Sar, don't force it out", but little does she know, I've got experience forcing food out. In my defense, it wasn't bulimia at all, I just drank far too much. On a hot day. With a small-ish amount of food in my stomach. And nothing would stay down.
So I passed out at her house and now I'm home, and I've got all this homework for my online class, and no drive or energy to do it. I've been taking my birth control pill so sporadically, and now my hormones are fucked, but whatever, it's not like I'm having sex.

I meet a guy, get to know him, he gets to know "my issues" and then...runs.
If I haven't already ran.

Yesterday, I walked on the treadmill until I burned 150 calories. It's not much, but it was a start, and a decent way to start my day. It definitely had me smiling. Ugh, I just made such a drunk ass of myself last night, I'm mortified.

I had a reason for posting, what was it? Oh yes. S.T. : I am moving out halfway through August, to return to my college town for one final semester of undergrad. Can't Wait!!!!!!!!!!

Things with my parents are the same: bad.

I have a killer headache and feel today like there is something seriously wrong with me. I fell asleep last night with my hand on my hipbone, feeling so happy that I puked, even though I was way too drunk. I am out of control. Where has my purpose gone? I think I am depressed. I think I am crazy. I know that I need counseling, it's just so expensive and I'm going to wait until I get back to school, because it's free there. Well not free, technically, but included with tuition.

God, I feel sick. I'm such a downer, such an idiot, such a drunken mess I was last night, such a hopeless failure today. Guys are repelled by me, my friends are shady (except the girl I was with last night, my best friend), my parents don't trust me, and I trust no one.
And my stomach hurts.
And I am alone, oh God, I'm so alone.

Think thin. Because on days like this, nothing else is a comfort.

xo~Sar

Think thin before every bite.

Oops, I threw up again. This morning. With a concerned mom making me tea and waiting on me, I lounged on the couch, secretly thrilled that I puked up the disgusting food that I ate last night when I got home from a bar. I hate eating. I hate food. I hate being full. Well, it's a love/hate kind of thing.
Anyway.

My esophagus burns and my stomach is tangled up in knots, but I'm alright. Last night was fun, despite the fact that I've felt sick all weekend. I like how I've been restricting and throwing up. It's a bad combination, you're probably inclined to think...but I REFUSE to be anything less than stick thin. My body can't handle when I eat, clearly, so I must GET RID OF IT!

And since I have yet to hop back on the treadmill (*blush*), I might as well keep doing what I'm doing.

I compare my body to others constantly. In magazines, on tv, in real life. Every woman has a different shaped body, which is wonderful, beautiful, blah blah. I don't care about them. As long as I'm thinner than EVERYONE I meet than I'm good!

I have been so busy as of late. Reading for my summer class, hanging with old friends, bonding with my mom occasionally, smoking (!), NOT working...Ok, so I'm a bum. But a busy bum.

Love ya'll. Please comment telling me to WORK OUT!!!!!!!!

I NEED your encouragement...it's refuels me, in place of food.

fuck food.

think thin :)

THINK THIN : )

THINK FUCKING THIN!!!


OH, yeah...THINK THIN!!!


because thinking thin puts you on the path to skinny. think thin before every bite. think thin when there is temptation in the form of cookies. think thin everyday. think thin for life.

it's healthy, after all, to be thin.
so there.

*xo*

-Sar-

((feeling a little crazy today, eh?))