Existential crisis

Good morning, earthlings. I'm currently freaking the fuck out. I got about 12 hours of sleep last night because I slammed 2 beers at like 8pm and then passed the fuck out. I am officially bored and the self-loathing is leaking back in. Where will my new job be? I have applied so many places. I've been on 4 interviews. The temp agency is sending my resume out. NOTHING yet. Also, I finally went home to see my parents and got to hear from my dad how he really feels about the whole situation. Read: pissed.

And he's right. I'm reckless. I have financial responsibilities that will not take care of themselves. I can't fuck around in some part time position like I wish I could. I need full time, with benefits. End of story. Talk about pressure from the family. It could've led to a fight but I'm slowly learning to not give in to him. I did cry though.

Also, last time I blogged was on Halloween and I mentioned a fight with C. and how we're not going to be friends anymore. Well sure enough, we hooked up that night. I slept there. The next morning we kissed and hugged and cuddled in his bed until I hightailed it out of there, petrified and confused.

I am still confused. We even hung out briefly on monday, just had a cup of tea at his place and took a walk. I haven't heard from him since. So it's like...ok. Who the FUCK KNOWS. I need to JUST FOCUS on me.

So that's what I'm doing. I am groggy from sleeping so much so I chugged 2 cups of coffee. I have no clue what to do with this day. I think I'll take another walk. I walked a little over 3 miles last night. It felt good and I need to keep it up because I am FAT as FUCK.

I am disgusting. I hate my fat stomach. I need to RESTRICT my intake, and EXERCISE every day so I can stop being so goddamn FAT.

Lord help me!

xo
Sar

Crazy.

I'm sweating and oh-so-full. We have had two or three super warm days and I love it but I have been stress-binging due to this chaotic week. But I fasted today until 7:30 pm- it felt great and I was shaking and out of it. (Unfortunately) then I feasted on sour gummies, Healthy Choice tv dinner, bowl of cheerios, and entire bag of Goldfish. Holyfuck. I was feeling thinnish, now I feel like a fat lard ass.

In other news. I made my decision, I am taking next semester off. Me and the cat are moving home to live at Mom and Dads. Big changes up ahead. All I really want is to gain control over this binge eating, it is stress-related, I know it. When I feel lonely or scared or bored or unsure I eat. When I am procrastinating I eat. When I am tired I eat. Ughhh . . .

I am looking forward to not feeling so lonely. I think it will help a lot. I need people, as much as I'd love to deny that, and I know having my family under the same roof will improve my quality of life. There will be people to talk to. There will be a porch to sit on. There will be my bike in the garage, just waiting for a spin. There will be a tv, a big couch, a backyard, a library, etc. I am excited. I feel apprehensive about delaying graduation and leaving my college town. But I know it's somewhat necessary at this point. I am on a downward slope, going fast fast fast! until I hit rock bottom. I don't want to hit rock bottom. Or maybe I already have. Idk.

I just want to say thank you to those that commented. You could obviously tell what a huge, life-changing decision I was facing and I just really appreciate you taking the time to throw me a word of encouragement and support. Love and peace to you : )

I must continue with my restriction. As the weather gets hotter I want to eat less. Not exactly sure what happened tonight, actually I am. Those Goldfish crackers are damn addicting and triggering.

I wore a really cute outfit today! Skirt and tank top! It felt so good to bare some skin, even though I was self-conscious of my body (like always!). There are some beautifully skinny girls around here, it is so annoying comparing myself to them, but I really can't help it. It is thinspiring! I will look just as good if not better s o o n.

I walked a decent amount today. I like walking. I want my thighs to GET THINNER. I was staring at them today in class (because I was wearing a skirt I could view them perfectly) and they looked okay but certainly nowhere near divine.

Gawd I just looked in the mirror and am now SO BLOATED from the damn food I scarfed down tonight. Why didn't I keep trying? Why didn't I test myself? Why didn't I go for the freakin' win?

I'll tell you why. I got food in the house and I wanted to eat. Simple. I wanted food. I wanted to stop shaking. I am so weak, it's pathetic.

I bombed a test today. Sucks.

My cat bit my arm last night and it broke the skin and left this glorious red streak; I look at it and feel proud, as if I scraped up my own flesh on purpose. I didn't, but I didn't pull away either. I want to feel pain to make this inner hurt dull in comparison.

I guess that's why I'm moving home, I've gone slightly crazy..

No!!

I was doing great - [yoga and jumping jacks, restriction] until I went to the store and bought food. What the fuck, I'm a fatass.

chips. pretzels. dip.

whole wheat bread. [laughing cow] cheese.

candy.

Oh my god, I've ate a lot, why? Where did this binge come from?? More importantly, why did I let it happen? What happened to my control?

Sorry guys, how can I provide thinspiration to you and myself if I eat like an obese person with the munchies?

So much water now, no purge, just a laxative or two.

Any other ideas on how to get my thin back??


**Edit**

I took a shower after typing this, thought about my actions, got out, and purged.
I feel fat as fuck and disgusted with myself and sick to death of my fucked up relationship with food. I hate you, food. I really fucking do.

Think thin.

Dreams vs. Reality

I bought "Wintergirls"..I started reading it and can't put it down. But now I am online and about to do some homework (it's 1 AM). I just want to read more. I am convinced I will buckle down in the days to come, just while I am reading this. It is thin-spiring.

So T. asked me to watch a movie and then go out for drinks. I told him I had plans with friends but that I would like to see him out. I saw him briefly today and I know I blushed like crayz.
I am into him. But I need to stay away. I feel that I will corrupt him. If I keep this whole thing at arms length I should be okay.
I broke down into tears to my school advisor. :Sigh: . I was seriously depressed. I have been, it hasn't stopped. I am honestly just trying to get by without doing anything too drastic. My life is kind of a mess. I have definitely gained weight over these passed few days. I have been eating carelessly. I hate myself sometimes.

I like T. but I am too shy and too damn scared to do anything about it.
I don't want him to know the real me. He will hate me. Maybe he won't. But I do.

I just want to .... what???
I don't even know anymore.

My brain is so clogged from daily pot smoking and anxiety. I can't think. I can't spell. I can't put together a coherent sentence while speaking. I am a mess. Not a hot one, anymore.
Though I did go shopping today : )
I bought black corduroy pants, 2 long sleeved tops, 1 short sleeved top.
Good deals, too. I tried on some jeans, and wow did I feel fat. I neeeeed to start working out. I am getting older and I don't want to be flabby, I want to be fit and hot!

My body hurts. I have been staying up until at least 5 Am every day. Then getting up for a short while, then napping, then staying up super late, then getting up early, and then passing out, then getting up once again, chugging coffee and getting drunk and high.

What have I become? Who is this person typing these words? Why can't I gain some control?

I want it, damnit.
I want to own my body. I don't want my body to own me.
I want to be weightless. When T. someday touches my body I would like him to feel bone. I need to do this.

It's fucking time.

I leave you with a quote:
"I measure myself; I can't act or play soccer, and most of them have better grades than me. But I am the thinnest girl in the room, hands down."

Forbidden.

I am on a break in between classes. I spent 45 minutes talking with my professor in his office. Oh damn he is cute, but his cuteness is mostly just intelligence. He is amazingly smart. I wish it would rub off on me, yes that was slightly sexual on purpose. I would do him. Too bad he has a wife!! Not going there again. (Long ass story). Just smoked a quick bowl.(I have at least cut way back on cigs). Weed is a need though. I got a 72/C on that Metaphysics test. Fuck my life, that is horrible. I was hoping to at least get an 80/B.

Ah well. At least I only ate one apple so far. It was tasty and juicy. I also drank a black coffee...mmm. Now I am going to class, then work. Then have to chill and do some homework and maybe pick up. Not sure. That idea just crossed my mind.

I am so behind on school work, but I refuse to give up!
I have binged so much, all weekend I indulged. Whole wheat bread is my worst enemy; I love it and it is "good" for me so I justify EATING it!!! I ate almost a whole loaf this weekend. No butter, but peanut butter or Laughing Cow light cheese wedges spread on it. Fuck fuck fuck. The memory is making me full. And fat. And bread-bloated. Never. Again.

Never. Ever. Again. (with the horror of horrors...bread!!?!) Dang Carbs and their evil temptations.

I am sticking to fruit and coffee FOR SURE.
I have weighed myself every day. My weight fluxuates incredibly. I don't like it. I don't trust the scale. I don't trust people that won't look me in the eye.

Time to try and read for class. Then a lovely walk! Think thin!!!

*Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels*

*One moment on the Lips means a Lifetime on the Hips!!*

^Scare tactic, seriously.

<3 My adorable kitten says MEOW!

Mia on my mind.

I've been getting these terrible headaches. Like the beginning of a migraine headache (my worst nightmare) there are jabs of pain/pressure on the back of my head. Near the top of my spine.

I keep getting random itches all over my body. Like bugs crawling on me. A side effect of the drugs? or bulimia?

I am a mess and it shows. It shows in my verbal and non-verbal communication, my messy apartment, and my down-hill sliding grades in college. Can everyone tell? Am I so transparent? I fear that my social life is a complete joke. I don't think people actually "like" me. I think they deal with me because (1) I always have weed, and (2) I look good (if around men) (ha I don't actually believe that with my full heart but men are easily distracted with a little cleavage and makeup and lip-licking and leg-crossing).

Amazing but writing in this blog is somewhat therapeutic. Here is a cold hard fact: I have been binging and purging every day. I think this is getting out of control. I can't stop my stomach from feeling the way it does after I eat, all bloated and noisy and pushing up, but I can make the decision not to puke, which is damn near impossible these days.

Help.

Please.

Think thin.
[i need to lose 20 more pounds]
[] check this box when goal is reached***
can't wait to check that ^.

soon. so soon.

I can be there. So can you. We can do it together and it will be easier. Let's try it, dare each other to push on, push forward; dare each other to meet our goals, our serious goals, more than our goals: our deepest desire. I desire to be as thin as I want to be. So I will. I will make it happen. I am on my way there. I need to keep this up but I seriously need to be thinspired because I can't do this on my own! Ok...maybe I can. But a little motivation never hurt anyone.

I just want this damn headache to go away.

And to be thin. (obviously) thinner. the thinnest in any room.
xo.

peace.

Can I be tiny?

I don't need friends. Just family. I am so glad I introduced my two friends..and that they spent the whole day together, and are now going to the bar. I was invited, yes. But being anti-social comes a little more naturally. I would rather just be alone. Is it hard to tell if I am being sarcastic? It is to me, I don't know how I feel. Kind of numb. I just cried my eyes out to my mom. It felt good, draining but helpful. I needed to get some stuff out, my buyer's remorse, my issues, blah blah. This past weekend was insane. Busy and chock-full of drama. I suppose I prefer it this way. Gives me something to focus on other than myself. Eating has become foreign and impossible. I feel as if I never ate normally, or thought of food without thinking of calories/how fat it would make me. Today: chocolate covered macadamia nuts (prob 600 cal worth). sugar free licorice (100 cal). one minute brown rice cup (230 cal). I am so disgusted with myself. THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A FASTING DAY. wtf??

I was doing well. No food at work this morning, none after. Then I remembered I needed to fill my prescription (for ocd/depression/anxiety). Definitely don't want to miss one of those babies, it messes with me. So I drove to the drug store in the scorching heat and started craving candy while waiting for the refill. This is when I purchased the chocolate and licorice. I also got gummy vitamins!! One of those a day will hopefully keep hunger pains at ease!!

I ate two laxatives a few hours ago. They have already taken affect, but not with the results I hoped for. I am bloated, partly because I got my period early since I missed a pill, partly because I filled up hardcore on those chocolate covered macadamias. They were expensive, but goooood.

Fast tomorrow for real. Today would have been good if I didn't get those macadamias. At least I am hungry now. This means my stomach is empty :) This puts a slow, sly smile on my face.

I love MGMT!

t hi n k th i n

starve tomorrow, your body needs it, to detox, to purify, to feel freedom.

Nothing Tastes As Good As Thin Feels.

Nasty chemicals in all processed food make you fat and lazy. They make you crave that shit. And then it kills you. It's called 'population control'.

TO DO: Lots of stair climbing to melt the fat and cellulite on my tHiGhs!!!!!
Finish laundry!
Move!
Blog!

<3

peace peeps, just so you know it feels great to type out all of this, thanks for reading :)

Summer blues.

I am listening to Simon & Garfunkel. I am stoned out of my mind. I took a late afternoon nap and have not ate anything since. It is almost midnight and I feel like a fat whale in my new black yoga pants. They are so comfortable, but not as comfortable as being completely naked. All morning I lay around nude. It is like reverse-thinspo every time I look down or in the mirror, which is quite often. I lose myself in the mirror. Who is this person staring back, right in the eyes? Then she scans her gaze down my body; judging; critiquing. It is a painful process, but it must be done. I need to be aware of my looks every minute. I need to know if my shirt is riding up, or if my thong is hanging out of my jeans, or if I look fat in this, fat from the front, fat from behind, fat from the side, fat face today, arm chunk slipping out of my tank top.

Lord help me. My employer preached the good word to me the other day at work. Ha. He can talk, I will listen, but I do think it is not appropriate at the workplace. I don't need to hear his opinions on this and that; I want to hear, "You're getting a raise". Dreams, without them I would be scarce, invisible. They provide me amusement, seriously something I crave during the day, a little flashback. "Oh yeah, I dreamt this". I wish it were true. I wish I got laid by two different men in two days, nah, only in my dreams.

So here is what I ate today, from the hours of 12 pm to 12 am. I measure my intake by calories:
Banana (60 cal), 2 pudding cups (120 cal), weight watchers yogurt cup (80 cal), veggie chips (300 cal), 3 rice cakes (180 cal),a veggie burger dipped in mustard (200 cal), Reeses snack bites (100 cal), 2 string cheeses (160 cal), oatmeal (100 cal), 2 more string cheeses (160 cal).

Total: 1135 cal for the day. Not horrible, but no good. I am obsessed with dairy lately, this is probably why I am gaining so much. I have been devouring string cheese and yogurt. I crave ice cream. Why am I craving dairy, I wonder?? Another question, what is the lowest fat and best tasting yogurt? [From Walmart or Tops]

I lost my train of thought, I guess seeing that huge number of calories I injested today makes me nauseaus. At least I know I won't be stuffing my face any time soon, I already did that for the day. But hey! It's Thursday now, a new day, a day to fast? I want to try!! I always get hungry after several hours and tell myself that eating a bit is "what's best for me". Well fuck that! I want to get skinny.

When I go shopping I obsess over labels. I should be more specific, food shopping, I always have to buy low fat, fat free, sugar free. Mostly I look for fat free, low sodium, LOW CALORIES. I do not always worry about the sugar content on the nutritional facts, however. Is sugar ultimately fattening? I fear fat, carbs, and sodium the most for sure. How about you guys out there, fellow bloggers??

I can't type, can't concentrate, all I can think about is tomorrow and what I may or may not eat. I work, and at work are so many food options, it's TERRIBLE.

I have been looking at some incredible thinspo today, and let me tell you, I need to be that. I am sick of this. . .

Relapse.

Today started horribly, I was hungover after 3 and 1/2 hours of sleep, drove blindly to Tim Horton's before work at 7, and bought a "whole wheat" & honey bagel with lite creme cheese. Whole wheat my ass, I am so disgusted with myself. I was seriously craving carbs after all that drinking ("Dragon Joose", gin& tonic, tequila) and also needed energy FAST.

After a long morning I was done. I bought a bag of plain Bugles, 2 apples, 2 airhead candys, and canned pineapple. Not too bad. At home I ate an apple, it was delicious. Then I cleaned out the entire bag of bugles, fast, they too, were amazing. It does not end here, unfortunately, it really should have. I was beyond stupid. I was blind, reaching outwards for food, food, anything, food. I went to Taco Bell. I ordered a "fresco" bean burrito and "3 layer" nachos + tomatos (extra $0.25). I pulled into a spot in the bright sun, picked up my burrito, tore a tiny piece of the burrito away, a part that wasn't touching the bean deliciousness that lay waiting for me encased in white flour wonder. Oh, so good. I devoured it fast, using mild sauce for dripping. Then the nachos. On first glance I was not impressed. Then I opened the lid, was greeted by a lovely smell, and DUG IN. They were great, horrible for me, and I definitely exceeded my sodium and fat content by m i l e s.

I finish my food. I sip some ice water. I am still hungry. I wanted potatoes, fries, tator tots. Something fried up, buttery, potatoey, wonderful, greasy, whatever. I drove to Burger King, realizing as I was pulling in that a vegetarian looking for food at a place with "burger" in its name was going to be shit out of luck. I was right, I pulled through and out, then back the other way towards an Arby's I passed. I ordered curly fries with ketchup. They were soo good, sooo greasy, and spiced to perfection. Worth $2 for a small...eh, if you've got two bucks.

Disgusted yet? I am. and it does not end there. After hitting the bottom of the carton of fries, I thought quick and decided my hunger was insatiable at that point. I went BACK to Mighty Taco, ordered ANOTHER fresco bean burrito, and devoured it, spilling sauce on my shirt and looking and feeling like a fucking slobby fat ass fuck.

The first urge to vomit hits in the parking lot. If I were smarter I would have just done it there, when the urge came. But I drove home, with bags of garbage in my car that were not there 20 minutes prior to my bunge excursion. I peed; I stuck my fingers down my throat, and hurled.

[blank]

What am I doing? I can't even do this right, wow, Marya could do it when she was 9 years old, I can't even make myself throw up, idiot.

I want it out I want it out I want it out/ breathe/ chug water/ tickle my throat, massage the coarse back of my tongue/ fail.

I hate this and I need it, I ate way too much, I need to get this out, try Try tRY harder. Jump up and down to make my stomach nauseous. Push my stomach in, puke, cringe at chunks in my teeth, do it again automatically, over and over, until it's over. I can't go on. I tell myself there is some out. Some is out. Not all, but maybe half a burrito. It's a small victory. My tummy looks smaller. I suck in, pretend my hips bones feel sharper, I am training myself to like the effects of this, what the hell is wrong with me?

I passed out, woke up, bought a blunt and smoked up with a friend. Now I am hunched over. I ate the two airheads. Still have the pineapple here but that would make a decent breakfast. I can't eat tonight. I could barely swallow that candy, it got stuck in my throat. I need sleep. I need water. I need to not feel this way. I keep burping and it smells like stomach acid and food, a gag worthy mixture..

This is a long one, please comment if you read this. I feel so terribly alone. I live alone. I am alone now, no one to hug. I may just head home for a few days. Either way, my lap top comes with. I can blog. It is interesting to recall this day. I need to learn from this. No food tonight, none, nothing. If I can wait until tomorrow I will feel better. I went on that crazy fast food binge around 2:30 p.m. It is 11:45. No food until tomorrow. Who's with me?