Divided Sky

Hey everyone, I'm still here, lurking, truckin' along. Currently having some coffee and a cigarette. Listening to Phish. Anyone else like them? My ex (D.) got me into them. Seeing them this summer with Matt (remember him?). Can't wait!! Just got the good news yesterday that his cousin scored us tickets. No, we're not dating or hooking up, my break up with D. is still too fresh, but we're friends, and I'm pumped!

D...well, REALLY long story short some insane shit went down a few weeks ago. He actually got physical with me. Scared the fuck outta me. Haven't seen him since. Told him I kissed another guy and he went apeshit, calling me a cheating whore, etc. We broke up a million times, I was loyal for fucking ever and he needs to understand that when your answer is to always dump someone after a fight eventually they're going to slip away. Disgusted with him and myself. Needless to say we are done for real and not speaking.

I'm trying my best to stay afloat. It's been a struggle. Just taking it a day at a time. 

Today I'm off. It's 2:30 in the afternoon and I haven't done anything other than eat some chocolate chips and half a grapefruit and make coffee. Big plans to shower and go to the bank and store. 

I want to join a class. Like yoga or dance. I am missing hobbies in my life. I have (for a year and a half) been perfectly obsessed with D. and his life and his friends and what he is doing and where he is going. I forgot about me. It's time to get Sar back. It's time to live my fucking life.

The concert with Matt is part of that. We haven't even talked or chilled in a year but a few weeks ago randomly met up and made these plans to see a show. It's something to look forward to.

Ugh, I can't focus. Haven't blogged or wrote in so long. It's hard to express myself right now. Got the coffee shakes and should probably mention that I'm stoned. Like always :-/

Love and Peace, xo

Let the madness begin

My coffee's gone cold and I'm paralyzed in my chair. 

It's Friday, and I've got an event-packed weekend at my fingertips.

Tonight: Leave work three hours early. Get all dolled up. Go to see band at bar. Lead singer of band is J., a guy I messed around with six months ago. We haven't seen each other since and this is the first time in awhile that his band is playing here again. He is the one who got rough with me...my fantasy. I have a scar on my arm from our last night together. A literal scar. From being pushed into the wall or washing machine, who can remember?

Tomorrow: Big Halloween Party. C. is coming, even though I blew him off last weekend. I am wearing a slutty/sexy costume. It's tight and revealing, so I've been eating less the past few days. As for C.,  well, I don't know. I wish I didn't invite him but maybe we'll have a good time.

Boys boys boys! My days and nights are filled with them!

At work, J. and I have been talking more and more. We exchange fleeting longing stares. He is beyond sexy. It makes work kind of fun and reckless. This could go on for awhile.

***

Time to get ready. I only have to work for five hours today! The sooner I get there, the sooner I leave :) 

Think super-thin today. Say NO to dessert and second helpings. Not worth it.

Being thin and gorgeous will get you places, and as much as I'd like to deny that in favor of equal rights, I can't. 

It's a fact. Be thin. Think thin. Stay strong.

Be amazing.

***

XO

~Sar

Solo drinking

I'm drinking some White Zinfandel out of the bottle. It's after midnight and today was like yesterday. Kind of lame. I was going to start a hook up situation with my ex but changed my mind today when we talked on the phone for the tenth time in two days. I was just sick of all the talking. If we were going to do it we should not make small talk every day because the more you talk the more you know and the more I know the more I like. I don't want to like anyone.

I'm been feeling pretty down on myself lately. Not having a job, the pressure I put on myself but choose not to act on, the pressure from my family, just everything lately has been pulling me down to the ground. I'm sinking in the dirt and not eating and then eating and tonight I'm hating myself for eating some food earlier today, WAY earlier.

I never eat on a regular schedule. I'm calling it "intuitive eating": eating when I feel hungry. Sometimes. Other times, well...you know how it goes.

Everyday I stare in the mirror like a freak. I stare and turn around and suck in and turn back around and clench my buttocks and sometimes I ever take my thigh fat and pull it back, so I can see how I'll look when I starve the fat away.

Eventually.

I watched "Glee" on television tonight...it's a cute show. It makes me smile and I genuinely enjoy the music. Tv is a good source of thinspiration. I can turn on any commercial, any show, or any infomercial and see a thin woman or man speaking back at me, selling me something. Ha. Oh America.

I've been a grump the past few days. Now that I think of it, I was just feeling incredible body anxiety at the idea of getting naked with my ex. The past couple of days (we talked about it for the first time on Saturday) I have been pissed off and eating erratically and just acting foolishly bitchy. Because I feel bad about my body. Because I hate the way I look. Because I'm scared to show anyone my nakedness. How sad.

And so I called it off and now that worry is fading.

I hate myself too much to get naked with a boy who doesn't love me because I fear his judgment and seek his approval. What a nasty, terrible combination of thoughts; I'm out of sorts. I honestly have no idea if I'm fat or thin. I feel so goddamn fat but sometimes I look down at my thighs and think they're shrinking and everyday I see my ribs and hips and collar bones but it doesn't feel satisfying. I feel gross. I feel fat. Since I feel fat, I look fat. I just know it.

Ok, I need to chug this wine and pass out or something before I start describing the way my whole body tenses up when I write about my fatness and self loathing or the way my mouth is chewing itself, side before side, until my jaw aches, forcing me to stop, and I take a drink of water only to feel my teeth get even more sensitive and translucent and painful. The pain doesn't just live in my head and body, it cuts to my bones and through my soul. I hope my soul isn't corroded, I hope my bones aren't turning to dust.

...

Love and Peace to you all <3

Think thin*


*xo

Friday

I'm 24 years old but last night I bought a night light. Pathetic, but necessary. I have developed a strange fear of the dark. I've been waking up with a scream, terrified of the blackness of the night. It's just a little bronze star. I feel like a fucking loser admitting that to the world, but it's not like I plan to tell anyone else about it.

To get ready for tonight (my best friend is visiting!):
Take a shower, shave legs, look pretty. Wash dishes. Clean (litterbox, vaccuum, bathroom, empty garbages & recycling). Buy booze. Buy a cute top (maybe). Class at one. Do homework for class. Damn I want to do pretty much all of that before class, and it's already after nine. I also want to blaze but that might have to wait. Maybe not. It's not like I volunteer much in class, anyway. If I'm stoned I'll be peaceful.

Tea. Water. Tea. Water. Gummy Vitamins. Water. Water. Water.

We're going to check out T.'s band tonight. Ohgod. Not because I want to support him, but because I want to distract him. From his gf. I don't exactly envision this happening/going smoothly, so I plan to be quite drunk. The plan is for us to get really fucked up (high & drunk) and "crash" this house party/ house show. I will get as close to the stage as I can when he's performing. Everyone will become enlightened off endorphins as the night proceeds. I will give him a hug and say what a great job he did.
And that's it.

There's tons of other guys around and if T. wants to be chained to his emo girlfriend ... well ... sucks to be him. I'll just be out there getting my game on. With my best friend. SO excited to see her and show her my new apartment. I remember when she came and stayed in my old place (the one that burnt down). We had a really good time :) But there is a better place for her to sleep here. For me too, I love my bed. It's freaking comfortable.

I'm newly obsessed with checking out the "stats" tab on here.

I'm bloated from my friend mother nature. Midols will be popped shortly.

I bought some se7en for all mankind jeans. Yes, I know. I'm not a label freak but they are damn comfy. And a little baggy, which I like.

My hair is a rat's nest right now, lol. A shower will surely help.

My face has been breaking out like WHOA! For the past week of two! What the hell???

I still don't know what I weigh. I kinda wish I did, but I'm kinda glad I don't.

Eats yesterday included a decent amount of veggies and fruit.

Time to do a bunch of stuff, have a great weekend!

Thinspo:

She's gorgeous. I love her dress and arms.

I love her dress too, damn. Maybe today I'll buy a dress.

Nice back. Every other day I twist so I can see my back; I look for bones. Rib bones.

 

I dig the vintage look.

Hey skinny goddess in the flowers.

I'm going to mimic the models. I'd like to be thinner. I am working on it everyday.

Today I don't look half bad :) 

That knowledge propels me forward.

Think thin.

<3~Sar

Strange Magic

I sit here smoking at ten in the morning and I'm thinking about what I'd like to type. I went to class this morning and before heading home, I stopped at Starbucks and bought a spinach feta egg white wrap. I ate most of it, I tossed the last bit of it. I don't know how I feel about all this. Why did I buy that and WHY did I eat that? Was I hungry? I'll be honest with myself and say, yes, I was a little hungry. I skipped breakfast and sat through class drinking black coffee on an empty stomach. That could be the culprit, second only to my gluttony. Coffee on an empty stomach does not always feel good. Especially really early in the morning. I couldn't concentrate and was falling asleep. I think I should always eat a little something before. What a terrible conclusion to arrive at. I don't want to eat.

I am so tired of comparing my body to others all day. Sometimes I think I look ok, sometimes I look in the mirror, horrified, at my stomach. I can't believe I do stomach checks in the college bathrooms, but it's getting bad. I am possessed by this urge to reach true thinness. I need to do it so I can be proud of myself. Pride feels better than guilt.

I have been slacking hardcore on homework and reading since school started. I think I might need some meds to focus. Maybe I should cut back on the grass. Nah.

I am now listening to Jimi Hendrix, "Hey Joe" ... what a groove.

Alright well have a good day. I'm going to try. I'm also going to attempt a fast for the rest of the school day. I am hanging out with C. tomorrow, so I'd like to be my thinnest. I am so sick of this all. I just want to be done.

Drink water, tea, and black coffee if you want a drink. They are all zero cal, taste good, and won't contribute to your fatness. I never drink soda, iced teas, juice, cold coffee drinks, or milk. It's a very strict rule of mine. All that stuff makes you fat, even diet soda so stay away from that shit too. Artificial sugars are still sugars, calorie free or not. And sugar is bad.
I've been cutting out sweets as much as possible lately. My "reason" is so that I don't get diabetes. Another reason is obviously to be thinner.
I am about to cut out dairy completely. It does not agree with me. My stomach is not right when I indulge in dairy. That means no cheese, ice cream, pizza :) None of that crap will I eat. Or if I do, a very SMALL amount so my stomach remains ok. I know ditching the dairy will be good for me in the long run and great for me right now. I don't fucking need it so I'm avoiding it.

And yes, there was feta in my wrap. I guess I'm just a fat hypocrite, but I know it's not going to be easy. That's fine, because no one ever said it was easy. This country caters to the fatties, so there is dairy in everything. I'll start slow but will probably just end up pretending I'm lactose intolerant.

Nap time maybe. Take care, skinnies. Be thin.

"I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul" - Radiohead

Sexy Skinny Model

Thinspo for Men and Women!

Think thin*
<3 Sar

Philosophy reading for today.

I made an attempt to complete it, a small attempt, but two paragraphs in and my mind was swimming. It probably does not help that I am listening to John Lennon wail about his Mother on Youtube. Somewhat distracting, but such a beautiful song that I cannot bring myself to turn it down or off. So here I am, 30 minutes before class, blogging instead of studying. Typical! I just switched to "Give Peace A Chance", so inspirational and moving. John is incredibly dedicated here, he makes me blush, I want to follow him, do what he did, change the world. He is amazing, such a hippie though, haha. Long hair, a huge smile, glazed eyes, a positive, befuddled message. I am smiling. Nothing better.

Allison Hedge Coke, a visiting poet, is reading tonight; I need to see this because I missed Joy Harjo. I love poetry and poets and poetic images.

Guess I don't have too much to say, my mind is everywhere right now. Very hard to focus. See you later, blog! Peace!