Goodbye 2012

Well this will conclude my little posting spree...I think. I'm dressed up, wearing a sexy pink dress, black tights, tall black boots, and pink feather earrings. I look hot. And thin?

On this eve, I'm sipping on a glass of wine before I head to my friend's house for a get together. Then we are off to an outdoor concert where we will surely freeze on this 20 degree night. And I'm wearing a dress. I'm crazy.

I'm also 26 years old and I fear that my priorities are fucked. Someone once told me that, and it kinda stuck. My priority is getting high. My priority is looking good, and thin.

What about the less fortunate? Why don't I volunteer my time and service? Maybe if I took the focus off me for once my eyes and mind would truly open.

Lots of changes ahead...I want to be a better person.

***

J. and I had met for tea a little while ago. We wanted to check in and be sure that we're on the same page before we all hang out in a group tonight. I told him I really like him. He told me he thinks we are better off as friends because "no one wants us together". He is right. Even his sister doesn't like it...I do not fully understand why but I cannot fight it, or beg him to think about it, or anything...I just have to accept it. So that's what I'm doing. I am attempting to accept my broken heart. Again.

And that's where I'm at folks. Hunched over my laptop blasting music wanting to cry and skip out on all of this tonight, but I won't. I will go celebrate and ring in the new year with my friends, because that's what people do: we keep moving forward. There's no other option.

I wish you all the best, and peace, and joy...in the year to come, and every year. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for joining me on my journey. This blog is a good outlet for me.

Stay strong.
Lots of love.
Much peace/mucho paz.

XO
Sarah


Talk to you next year!!!!!! =)

May flowers?

Sometimes I forget how to breathe.
Sometimes I forget how to walk.
Sometimes I forget who I am.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've neglected blogging because I stopped caring about sharing myself with others. I stopped wanting to express my innermost self through the written word.
It used to be treat. Or maybe just a ruse. I feel like fraud, coming back to Blogger, hoping that maybe you're still out there. I suppose I could pretend that you are.

An update of sorts:

I'm enjoying the single life. I'm talking to C. again, and still crushing on D. from work. Ah, to be young and boy-crazy.

I've been smoking pot every single day sometimes all day. It's too much, and I reassure my therapist I will try to quit, but can I?

My dad is still in the hospital. He had major open surgery almost 2 weeks ago. It took the surgeons 12 hours to remove the tumor. He will be ok. Our relationship is improving. I feel that we dodged a bullet.

I'm slipping. I'm eating. I hate myself every other day. This year has gotten off to such a rough start. First the breakup with J. and then my dad getting seriously sick so suddenly. I'm trying to stay positive despite the stress but it's fucking impossible.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Currently listening to Regina Spektor. Smoking a bowl. Drinking water. My neck aches from headbanging to some rock music the other night. My body is supremely exhausted and begging for sleep. My car's gas tank is thirsty for gas, all the driving to visit my dad in the hospital is taking a toll on my wallet.

Complaining, is that what this is? Who the fuck am I? Some jaded working class citizen with a need to be thinner and the willingness to starve. I am sofucked up.

Whatever. I'll change when I want to.

Peace.

-s

Margarita.

Today, I stupidly ate four slices of bread and one bagel. (Also a salad, cherries, and strawberries). (And 3 cookies). What a bread binge. Do you ever do that? What the fuck is up with me and bread? Tonight around midnight it was time to binge, and you know what time that is...it's the time when you and I lose control and stop focusing on what's important (being thin). It happens to me when I stay under 1000 calories for a couple days. I really hate that, I mean, life would be easier if binging and food didn't exist. I'd prefer to swallow a pill and be nourished, without all the extra fat, calories, sugar, and sodium. Ah, what a life that'd be. Free and easy, easier than pie.

Did I say pie? Oh I did, yes, because tonight when I opened the freezer there was an apple pie just chillen. Literally. What. The. Fuck.

Get this- there's also brownies, cookies, candy, cashews, 8 bags of chips, peanut butter, the disgusting list of fattening food goes on. I am thankful my family is not struggling to eat but good God...does it have to be all junk? 
It's sort of great though, because I don't dare touch it.

Today I got a pedicure for the first time. My toe nails are a gorgeous red with a tiny white flower on each big toe. They look nice :) I want them to last forever like this! But they won't, how sad. I just know the tiniest chip is going to piss me off.

I am sipping a very girly drink, a Margarita in a glass bottle...haha it's not too strong, and I know the extra calories are bad, but I need to relax a little. I am taking this online course and I wrote a very personal post tonight, full of emotion. Full of questions and a little bit of bullshit. What is wrong with me? I just crave the outlet. This blog is not enough for me. I feel somewhat limited at times, which is strange; I'm also petrified that someone I know is reading this, like a boy or love interest. FuCk. Hope not!

I'd like to NOT be anonymous, I'd like to display a picture of my face and send this link to family and friends. But I won't, I can't. My eating issues are mine alone. I like to keep them private. Yes, I encourage people to eat healthy. Yes, I still think I'm fat. Therefore...my blog stays lowkey.

I don't know if you've even read this far down the page; I imagine you have, I'm quite the writer! (Just kidding). 


So here's the deal. I want to know how long you've been reading. Please. Just take one minute and let me know, whether it's been two days or two months or two years. Please, again, I'm begging you. I need to know if I have any chance of making a career out of writing. It would be so helpful to know if I have any longterm loyal readers.

It's sad, but I am not sure when I began to get followers. Six months ago? A year ago? I just always signed on and starting typing furiously until I changed my focus as an attempt to get readers, which apparently worked.

Pleaseeeee comment sometime telling me how long you've been reading. I'll love you forever :)

In other news,

Think thin.

Nice long skinny legs. Nice space between. You know what I mean.

*************

((but you wouldn't catch me squeezing into those pink pants...))

xo~Sar

<3 Please comment!!! <3

Fat girls.

It is so evil to Facebook-stalk girls from my college that I know. They ARE getting FAT and IT makes ME happy!

Dumb bitches...stop eating so much, and really, if you are going to stuff your face every day, please don't post pictures of your fat self. It makes me sick. Actually, continue doing it...I've lost my appetite. I could puke a little.

Oh man I am so happy I am not *fat like them* ... I am skinnier. I am succeeding at starving this summer. I will return for my last semester of college looking MODEL THIN!!!!!!!!!1

Oh, joy.
I wish I could be happy.
What is it like to smile?
What is it like to cry?

I am numb.

and thin.

and I wouldn't have it any other way...


Think thin**