My laptop is my friend

Saturday morning and I'm blazing and drinking coffee, making ambitious plans for the day in my head, sitting all curled up so my legs cramp. I had reached a total and complete new low level of loathing for my self. I have been trying mantras...I am loved, I am healthy, I am wealthy. I start saying it when the negative self talk becomes too unbearable. It is a weight pressing down on my chest, sometimes it's hard to breathe.

I have no food here. My cat does not have food. I need to go to the store. I am going shortly. Just wanted to write a bit.

Saw some old friends last night. I felt so lonely in their presence. Like I didn't fit in, or belong. I am different now, I realize that. I am noticeably thin and withdrawn. Forced smiles and laughs. I was not present, I was either buried in the past or floating in the future or tied to my worries and imagination. I suck sometimes.

I am so fucking addicted to weed it is taking over my life.

Found a new therapist and went for my initial visit. Don't go back for two weeks since he's going on vacation. Looking forward to continuing weekly sessions if my insurance allows. Speaking of insurance they sent a "wellness card" that I can use for massage therapy, supplements, etc. Looking forward to getting my first ever massage. 

It's crazy getting older, seeing the changes in my skin and the grays in my hair.

I have seen D. a couple times. My period came which means my body is FINALLY back to normal working order. This was my first period since November, before I was pregnant. Jesus. It's so wild saying that.

I am going to try and stop smoking weed, just as soon as this bag runs out.

I have to try. I have to do it. I live in a perpetual haze and I'm sick of it, I need to see who I am underneath this shit. I miss me and am curious about her, how she's doing without the drugs.

I ate a lot last night at my friend's house. We ordered out, and I've been kind of regretting it even though I'm basically starving again and still look thin. I got a whole eggplant parmesan sub. I ate half at a time but finished it except for a small bite at the end. It was a large sub roll, battered eggplant, mozzarella, marinara sauce, spices. It was good but SO UNHEALTHY. I don't know what I was thinking. Ugh. 

Then after a blunt we all had a small ice cream cone.  Then I had a handful of popcorn! Plus wine!!!

But it's ok. Because I can really eat whatever the fuck I want. The truth of the matter is I just don't eat enough and it keeps me small. All of my friends are fatter than me. Which is bitchy to say but the truth.. 

Well that was weird, my phone just rang. It was a friend I haven't talked to in awhile and I'm feeling relaxed and open so I answered. Said "hello hello?". Nothing, I could hear that I was in a pocket or a purse. Butt - dialed. All of a sudden she picks up saying "I'm so sorry didn't mean to call you! Great to hear you but I didn't mean to call.".

Of course not. Ugh I'm just feeling sensitive. We talked for a second and got off the phone, she was out of breath, about to drive to another city. I can't take it personal. It's not like I call her. I isolate myself so pointing fingers is pretty fucking weak.

Ttyl, blogger.

Peace and love,
Sar*

Boys

A familiar heartbreak I haven't felt in weeks. It's twofold this time. Here's why:

C. and I had been taking a break, not talking or hanging out, under the guise of "perspective". Last night after work I bought two beers and a pack of cigarettes. I decided I wanted to get messed up. The beers were 22oz. I drank one and then texted C. to see if he wanted to join me. I went over there and we were alone for the first time in awhile. He sat there in silence. I attempted intellectual conversation. He asked to smoke and I provided. He played music and I sang along while he sat in silence. Getting the pattern? He is boring. I was getting drunk so I made the executive decision to put the moves on him.

I slid closer to him on the couch, he didn't move. I faced him and began running my hands over his body and saying sultry things like, "wanna have some fun?". His reaction? A boner and "I don't want a commitment." Uh, me neither. I was trying to lighten the mood. I tried to kiss him he gave me the cheek. Mortified, I turned to leave. We texted after I was home. I was upset for awhile but seeing him last night was like the final act of our play.

I am no longer interested in the slightest. I RARELY make the first move. I tried because of our history, because the moment maybe called for it, and because I was drunk and felt like having an adventure. He essentially rejected me. So...if we're not friends, and we're not fuck buddies, then we're nothing. And I'm ok with it, finally. Last night I was bored by his company. Last night I was reminded of how toxic he is. The only thing he even talked about was tripping on mushrooms last weekend. He is a dead end.

I mentioned that my heartbreak is twofold. Partly because of C. And partly because of Jake. As I mentioned, him and I have been talking for the past few weeks. A lot. I thought things were progressing nicely. Until yesterday. He and I were texting about getting together. All of a sudden he was being really unclear, saying he wasn't sure what was going on because some friends were coming into town. So I said something back via text that he didn't like. I said, "I'll make it easy for you - forget it, I'll make other plans." It was a moment of defiance. I was getting ready for work and just wanted to know if we were hanging or not, like he said we were. And...I haven't heard anything back since. I even texted him again later last night apologizing if I offended him. Still nothing.

Which brings me to today. I'm hungover from drinking on an empty stomach. I have nothing here to eat except for some random canned goods. I had my last potato this morning, stir fried breakfast-style with a little olive oil and garlic powder. Served with hot sauce. Also coffee. Needless to say I'm so hungry it's making me tired. I will spend a few dollars tonight after work on something. I have to get something in this house. I'm just so damn broke. Maybe tortillas and frozen mixed vegetables. It shouldn't cost too much.

My bank account hasn't been this low in a long time. It's getting scary. I just paid $318 for a traffic ticket which realllyyy hurt me this month. I can't pay any bills at all for a few weeks and they're all coming up being due next week. FML. Probably asking my parents for some money again. *sigh*

I have to get ready for work. I'm not doing anything tonight. Peace.

xo
Sar

Better

Beautiful

Well you guys. I'm doing it. I've had this blog for about six years. I've read my poetry at open mic nights. Writing is my release. At the urging of my therapist, I've placed ads on this blog. Yes, I sold out.

So effing click on them why don't you? ;) Just playing, loves. Don't click. Screw the man!

In other news, it's Friday night and I'm home alone. I walked to the store to buy a can of cat food and grabbed a beer. I sat on my stoop and drank my bud lite and smoked mad cigarettes and texted so many people. And now I'm inside, upstairs. In an hour my friend Jessup is coming over to blaze. I'm out, so I'm excited.

Love life? What love life! Kidding again, there are a few dudes I could have sex with, if need be. The need hasn't quite been there but that's ok. It's all about having the option.

Things with C. are tumultuous as always. He is supposed to be my best (guy) friend but our (mostly my) emotions get the best of us. Every. Time. It's actually a mess right now. Our "friendship" hangs precariously on the line. I am attempting to smooth shit out but I have a temper, ya know?

Which reminds me!! Thanks for the nice words about my pic. I know it's not exactly close up but it's me! xo

I met with the temp agency today. I'll be starting a part time gig next wednesday. It's not much, but it'll help pay the bills right now while I finish my contract at the school. The temp lady loved me, she's going to be looking for full time work as well for me, which would be fantastic. As long as I like it!

And we all know...I'm picky!

Have a great weekend, peeps! Thanks for reading my humble little blog. Think thin ;)

I have no green which means no munchies which means me being thinner than I was yesterday. It's a decent feeling. Especially with summer coming up. Are you ready to bare it all in a bikini? Me neither, let's work it!!!!!!!!!!


LOVE,
Sar

PS. Happy May!!!!!!!! Can't wait for some warm weather holy crap.

Rainy Tuesday.

The movie "Dirty Dancing" never gets old. I think every girl wants her own sexy Patrick Swayze. I know I do. Damn he looks super fine in that movie.

So I'm sitting here watching the house while two men install a new garage door. Exciting. One of them looks real good, but I'm too shy to talk to him. I'm bored. It's 2:30 in the afternoon but I haven't ate yet. Only tea and water.
I am about to get my period so of course I'm nice and bloated. I'll flush it out with some Midol. I'm just currently sick (I know, right? Who get's sick in the summer? Moi) and already taking some decongestant. I don't like mixing pills so I'll wait on the Midol until later today or tomorrow. It always takes care of bloating around this time.
I stayed up until five in the morning, doing nothing, just online reading and checking blogger every ten minutes for comments, because I'm a loser like that. Lol.

Just smoked a cig with the hottie outside, ahh nicotine. Haven't had one since Saturday so that was nice...my body thanked me for the little kick it just gave me. Addiction is so bittersweet.

Well I don't have too much to say other than I am just bored and hungry. I need a life, man. Oh that's right, I have one, I AM living. So I suppose that's good.

Take care, readers, if you're there.

Love and peace to you.