Fog

I'm so torn. I feel like I don't even own my life. I'm just in a fog. Day in, day out. Same stupid brain. Tried for over a week to cut back on weed. Didn't buy any. Downloaded an app. Sucked the shit out of my vape. Struggled with insomnia and moodiness. Legit felt the void in my routine. Last night, after a hellish work experience, with the weekend beckoning, I walked to the dispensary. I bought: another vap, an eight of nug, and a 1 gram joint to share with the girls. My friend is making dinner and we're all getting together later, so figured I'd bring some herbal refreshment.

Did I mention I was intending to do "Sober October"? Of course not, I rarely blog. I started with the best of intentions. Tried to rally my friends. Told K. all about it. But then, as hinted in my previous post, shit hit the fan with us. Two incidents, days apart. And right now there is such tension. I "broke up" with  him and blocked him on everything the other day. He started emailing me. At first it was harsh then evolved into him begging me to talk to him and promising we could try couples therapy. I had my yearly physical and described the depression I've been feeling. They added a THIRD medication. I haven't filled it yet. I ended up unblocking him from the doctor's office just to tell him.

The next day he sent me flowers. Then we got on the phone and he said the wrong thing and I went nuclear and blocked him again. He apparently reached out to his sister basically in tears begging her to talk to me. She messaged and called me, asking me to talk to him. I unblocked him AGAIN just so he would stop involving her.

He's been unblocked ever since but we have not gotten back on the phone. I'm not going to bother going into details about our fight(s) because what I truly want to blog about is how I feel going forward. "Confused" is not a feeling but it's where I'm at. So I figured I would try to figure this out.

Why I want to make it work:

I love him

We can talk through anything

He's in individual therapy and willing to do couples therapy

Shared values

Common interests

He makes me laugh

He is fighting for our relationship

Why I want to end it:

He's an asshole 

His mental health has weaknesses

We fight too much

I feel like I've changed his lifestyle and have lingering guilt

I don't feel good enough for a loving relationship

I wonder if I deserve better

Long term commitment scares me

Having children someday scares me

Fears of being betrayed or lied to

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There is a chance I'll add to both lists, but just throwing these together real quick is eye opening. There are more "reasons" to end it, but they are fear-based reasons and insecurity.

FUCK.

I really hate myself sometimes. I constantly have dreams of us breaking up. My neck fucking hurts from being hunched over like this and it's 11:22AM on a Saturday. NOW WHAT?

I'm so fucking lost. I'm so torn. I'm so depressed and anxious and weak and fickle and pathetic. I'm a pothead. I hate my job. I don't know what other job to even get. This year has been SO HARD on me. I'm tired. My nose is runny. My apartment is a mess. I need serious help.

Cold turkey

Hey, so, I haven't smoked weed since Friday. Just got home from therapy. Drinking my coffee, feeling anxious. I have a lot to do and a lot on my mind. D. will be home next Thursday.

Why have I stopped smoking? Because I have smoked half my life away and I'm sick of hating myself for it. I have been discussing this with my therapist for months, me stopping. She was proud to hear it's been a few days. Truthfully I cannot afford it because I am moving out at the end of this month. Yup. Out of the city and closer to work, closer to home, closer to D. Big changes ahead.

I am stressed. It's not that I want to pack everything up and move in the winter. It's not that I hate the city or my current apartment. I just am sick of hating myself. I am sick of being broke. The new rent will be $50 cheaper and I'll save on gas money. I don't want to be afraid to walk alone. I don't want to be surrounded by ghetto trashy city dwellers.

As for the weed, *sighs*, I love it. I want to buy some and smoke it. I just don't want to be addicted anymore. The blazing everyday in a constant haze and procrastination is killing me slowly. So are the cigarettes I've been chain smoking as a replacement. My choices are immature lately and I want to change. I want to be better.

I have so many things on my to do list it is driving me crazy! My boyfriend has been gone for five weeks and I told myself I'd accomplish so much! Have I though? Meh. Not really.

Still bleeding from the abortion, yes a straight month of bleeding. Tell your friends, kids. It's not for the faint of heart..I went in for a follow up appointment and tested positive for pregnancy still. I'm chock full of preggers hormones! Fun!!!

God, I am so scattered right now. My therapist encouraged me to blog but the coffee has me fucking hyped. I am sitting with my phone in lap waiting to hear from my boyfriend, pathetically dependent.

I have to pack. I have to renew my health insurance. I have SO MUCH student loan bullshit to deal with. I have to talk to my landlord to see if I can use my security deposit as the last month's rent. (Anyone ever do that?). I have to activate my new phone and mail my old one to them like yesterday to avoid a $500 charge. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I want to do is fly away to the ocean and curl up on the beach and stare at the waves and drink a fruity cocktail and then go running and leaping into the water. I want to smoke, dammit! I want my hair to be beautiful again (it's time for a cut/color). I want my boyfriend home. I want to be strong against my cravings.

At least I continue to lose weight. So many people have said, "hey, have you lost weight?". I haven't weighed in awhile but I'm soo down. 15lbs last time I checked a few weeks ago. I mean, it obviously needed to be lost. All my pants are SO FUCKING baggy. I look like a bag lady. I look like hell. My face sometimes hurts from frowning. My face itches! Damn dry skin. Damn winter. Damn snow.

I am sexually frustrated, stressed, annoyed with life and myself and my boyfriend. I hate food, can't fucking eat anything anymore. I need to vacuum and change my sheets and dust and clean and organize and file my taxes. I have so much on my plate and my inclination is to run run RUN AWAY.

Writing sort of helps. I got stuck in my driveway today, lol. The snow is insane where I live. Why do I live here? Ask myself that every day.

Thanks for listening. I gotta get up and smoke a cigarette or something. Losing my fucking mind. Quitting a lifelong habit cold turkey ain't for the birds. God please give me strength.

Have a good one, loves. Thanks for all of your kindness lately. Means so much.
xo
Sar

Tex

Where do I even start?

I just got back from San Antonio, Texas for a sweet business trip. Had my own hotel room and the opportunity to learn a lot, it was great. What I've always wanted.

D. and I ended up making it a "break". If break means talking every day all day. We haven't seen each other in over a week, since before my trip. He is making it pretty clear that he would like to see me. I am undecided. I am indifferent.

Things were messed up between us but the space hasn't exactly helped. I am open to seeing him but nervous that I'll mess up hardcore and hurt him.

I am doing ok. As ok as could be. Work is going well. Had fun in another state. I've kept the weight off, give or take a pound. Haven't weighed. Going to wait a couple weeks to weigh again, to make sure I'm maintaining.

I gave in and bought some pot. Blazing and being lazy tonight. Have a good one.

~Sar

Unspeakably depressed

I'm not sure how everything got so messed up. Things with tinder guy have boiled over. We fight way too much. Can you believe that? We've been talking for a month, chilled twice, yet we...fight? Too much, too soon, and it's sad. I was really feeling it for him but we clearly bring out each other's nasty sides. Needless to say, we did not get together thursday as planned. It's a long ass story. Blame it on me.

I had a tough week. That is, I had a good week on the surface, but mentally I was a mess. The other day I woke from a flashback nightmare about the fire. I jumped up out of bed, literally gasping for air, clutching my chest. My heart was FLYING. I could not calm down. It was terrifying. It started my weekend off on an incredibly unstable note. I smoked to dull the pain. I ate a bunch of shit. I grew depressed as the hours passed.

I am pathetic still. I see and feel myself pushing everyone away, just everyone. Door shutting over my face and locking. Guard up, intact, impenetrable. I can't seem to change this. Maybe I don't really want to.

I hate this.

-s

Walcott

Last night was awesome. Here's a rundown: Earlier in the week I had convinced my coworker to accompany me to a bar where three bands were playing including M's. We came to my place after work to blaze and I changed my outfit. We took a quick walk to the store so I could buy ciggies (bad Sar). Then we drove separate cars to a bar on the freaking east side. M's band was playing on the patio when we walked in. I love making eye contact with him while he sings.

The set finished. We drank overpriced Blue Moons with dirty oranges. We chatted then she wanted to leave. She has recently lost 30 pounds and is seeing a personal trainer Saturday mornings. We talk about weight loss a lot. We went out to her car for a quick "session" and then she drove off and I was alone. I went back inside since I paid a cover to get in, there were two bands left, and M. was floating around somewhere.

I grabbed a beer and stood by myself in the crowd of unfamiliar faces, swaying to the beat. At some point M. came over to me to shoot the shit but I found myself feeling aloof and wandering off outside. I made a few friends with some dudes smoking a bowl on the patio. The third band started so I went back in. They killed it! I was having a lot of fun dancing by myself but becoming more aware of the fact that I was alone and there were a couple randoms from college (also there for M's band) making me feel a little awkward but I kept my confidence and switched to drinking water.

The best part of the night is when M. and I made our way over to each other again for a quick private convo. We kept asking how each other was and how each other's night was going. Then the third band called him onstage to jam. Our eyes linked while the photographer was snapping his picture. It was a moment. They finished up and I left, having sobered up besides the pot, and I drove safely home.

I immediately stripped off my clothes, laid naked on my bed (still spending a lot of time naked), and texted M. and Jake (since I had seen his light on). Jake and I ended up having this hour long flirty and open text conversation. He told me that he thought I didn't want to see him again. I told him that I wanted to crawl into bed with him. So now, we're hanging out tonight after I get out of work.

Well, supposedly, Do plans made at 3AM still count? Hope so. I have to be at work in a hour and I haven't even showered but I'm about to. I just had to get this down. I loved last night. I loved doing something new with someone new. I loved that she left and I stayed, alone, at the bar. I love that M. and I are so cool. I love that I am the type of person who likes to make friends with strangers. I love freedom.

I love life, sometimes.

Today - baby carrots/hummus. whole grain melba crackers. spinach salad with parm cheese and italian dressing. 1 slice whole wheat bread with 1 slice pepper jack cheese. banana. 2 slices watermelon. coffee.

Pretty fucking healthy and that will be it for the day. Maybe drinks later.
Peace, loves.

LIVE FREE
xo

~Sar~

Am I wrong?

Today was the last day of school. I am officially working one part time job at 12 hours a week. I'm done being scared. Bring on the uncertainty.

Men, they come and go. Life is a series of people leaving. You know what this means...after a great date last week things with Jake have officially fizzled. Like I knew they would. Sucks being right.

Am I wrong? Could be. He could still care. I don't know, we held hands last week. We kissed rather passionately. We talked. Now it's me initiating text convos and him asking me to hang at midnight. I'm not your midnight booty call!!!! Today I asked him to take a walk around one in the afternoon. His answer was no, maybe later. I responded with "forget it!".

Over it. Trying anyway.

There's always music thank god. I'm obsessed with music.

Feeling thin today. The stress of being poor and heartbroken kill my appetite every time. Sadness is my muse. I've been writing more poetry.

The day looms ahead, long and frightening in it's unpredictability. So I'm going home. I will bring laundry. I will chat with my dad and mom and brother. I will hopefully get some money from them.

My body hurts. I'm hungry, haven't ate a thing today. Can't though. Why fucking bother.

Have a great day loves.
Listen to this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQHbmCeSGW8

xo
Sarah

Concert date tonight

Hello all. I'm in a decent mood - going to see the Arctic Monkeys with Jake this evening! He is driving! It's a date! I'm not sweating it though, just being cool. calm. collected. Until we start drinking, anyway.

Currently sipping some hot tea and sitting here typing naked. I've been spending a lot of time in the nude. Not sexy time unfortunately, it's just because the weather has been hot. The more time I spend naked the more I am able to focus on not overeating. Try it?

I am getting my "allergic to the sun" rash on my arms and forehead again, which blows, but deep breathing and cool showers seem to help.

Still no full time job, still working two part times and have two temp agencies looking for me. I'm trying. Maybe next time I write some shit will have changed.

Got to get ready, I want to be looking my best! He is so cute, he went to the store for ice, beer, and snacks and asked if I wanted anything. What he doesn't realize is that I don't plan to eat a thing. I told him "lemon warheads" (sour candy for those not in the states).

Today I ate: coffee (black). leaf lettuce and spinach salad with a bit of chopped up avocado, grated parm cheese, and light italian dressing. two slice of whole wheat bread with mustard, more chopped up avocado, and one slice of cheese. Filling and satisfying. Calories for the day are below 500. The beer tonight will bring me up into the thousands I'm assuming. I'll be strong though.

Think thin!
Love, Sar

Stubborn Love

"It's better to feel pain,
than nothing at all...
the opposite of love
is indifference."
--The Lumineers

***

You know what this means, right? Things with J. are back to being completely precarious. So. Predictable. Of. Us.

I'm annoyed because all I want to do is push back the feelings for him that I have, but I'm equally annoyed of my desire to detach.

I am a barrel of fun these past two days, contemplative and easily angered. My temper coexists within my mind, not always peacefully.

***

Either way, I'm going to see him tonight, for the third new years eve in a row. We are not back together. We (probably) won't kiss at the strike of midnight. We will (hopefully) make it through the evening with no drama. We have to. I am through with 2012's troubles and moving on with life, even though this particular guy is clearly sticking around for awhile. There's just no fighting it. *sighs*

I'm procrastinating hardcore (gee Sar, I couldn't tell...six posts in two days?). I want to start 2013 off nice and organized. My paper pile/bills/boring shit like that is taking over a corner of my bedroom and I will attack it after I press Publish. I promise!

Cheers!
~S

2012 is ending on a decent note

I got a full time job!!!!!! Starting January 2, woo! New year, new job!!!

Last night I went to J.'s work holiday party with him. We had a blast and ended the night with karaoke and lots of making out. I can't believe this you guys....and yet I can, it's like I knew all along.

I am feeling very BLOATED today from all the wine last night plus I ate cheese puffs when I got home. Ugh. Salt sucks.

I have to work today and then off for three days! My friends are having a sweet ugly sweater Christmas party on Saturday so I am looking forward to that! More drunken fun with J. and all of our friends? Yes please!

Life is good. If the world ends tomorrow I will at least die happy. If the world doesn't end tomorrow then I'm buying myself some new shoes, to celebrate.

Think thin.
XO
Sar

Settle down

I'm in a funk, trying to snap out. It's 2012 but I forgot it's a new year, forgot to change something about myself. I woke up in a bad mood, exhausted, cold, with a headache. My thoughts are negative.

I'm trying to turn my mind around. Figured I'd try blogging. I'm totally uninspired.

Lately I've been sliding into Self Pity Mode. It's a rotten place to be and yet it's my go to.

Also, I've been so fucking hungry this week, it's literally affecting my mood. Every day I've ate only veggies and hummus for lunch and I've come home from work positively starving, bitchy, and ready to eat anything. It's not good. The madness starts about two hours before work is done for the night. My coworkers are avoiding me and my bitchy self. At least I think so, the paranoia is encompassing. I think everyone is looking at me funny.

Where was I going with all this? Nowhere, really.

There's got to be some good. Ok, J. We like each other. Our time together is fun. He just doesn't text/call me enough! He has said before that he "doesn't want to bother me". I'm not sure what I said, but it doesn't bother me! I miss him! Or am I just getting attached? We text at least once a day and talk on the phone maybe twice a week. But I want more. Do I? Am I so confused that I don't even know if I want more or I'm just programmed to want more or maybe society is telling me to want more? Maybe I want less? No. That can't be it.

I've just always been a sucker for instant gratification.

I cannot not not not turn to J. as an answer to my sadness. I will not use him as a shrink. I know deep down that our pace is fine, albeit a little slow. But slow is better than fast, at least for me, at least right now.

I went to get the mail and my train of thought has slowed.

Think Thin Today. Tomorrow. Always.


Sar

Slightly stupid

Stoned. At home. Sipping a glass of wine. I agree, I need to get this coworker sex fantasy out of my head. The problem is that I'm shy. The other problem is J.- I care for him. I have a feeling that I'm subconsciously self-sabotaging.

Work is done for the week. It's officially Saturday morning and today is the last day of the year. I'm going to get a hair cut. I need to do (everything) right.

Today D. (guy at work) and I didn't really talk. But there was this weird eye contact on break. He is a mystery, and I'm up to my old tricks. What will it take for this wandering eye to die?

And here I am, texting my ex-boyfriend. What the fuck is wrong with me?

-Sar

The drama I create to entertain myself in this riot called Life

Somehow I made it through this ridiculous weekend. First of all, nothing went as planned. LOL. My life is such a joke at times...do I make it that way? Perhaps I do create drama for personal amusement. Not a great idea. Especially when people's feelings are involved.

Let me back up to Friday...I was leaving work early. I chose not to take a lunch and instead went outside to smoke with J. We had a nice talk, he shared some serious things with me about his marriage to his ex-wife and how he's doing now. I talked to him about C. It felt right to share such things, the moment was real.

I decided to get bold. As I was walking out past his desk, I slipped him my phone number on a scrap of paper.  We said bye and I headed out to my car.

I wanted to call C., because he had texted me saying he invited his cousin to the party we were going to. We had exchanged a few vague and sort of off-putting texts throughout my shift, and I figured I'd just call to clear stuff up. I was calm, cool, and collected.

It didn't last...he didn't answer the first time I called so I hit redial. He answered the second time and I could immediately decipher his tone as cold and angry. I was instantly thrown back and nervous. I tried to talk and he was quiet. Finally, he exploded...telling me how I am "argumentative" with a "short fuse" that "frightened him" and he felt "too scared to get involved with someone like me".

I was obviously defensive, but my heart knew what to do. I sat back, took a deep breath, and let him rail into me. He stopped for a split second and I spoke up. I basically said that he gets "scared easily" and not to worry about getting involved, because I didn't want to see or hear from him. Ever again.

I hung up the phone, walked into the store I had been sitting in front of, and bought a six-pack of beer. I was shaking and upset. I went to my friend's house and chugged two of those cold ones before driving us to see the band. It was a good show. The singer that I briefly mentioned last time was looking cute, and after their set, we had a tiny little chat. I feel like I can safely put him behind me, knowing that he's living in another state and what we had was just a one (or three) time thing. It was lust and that's it. Lust won't sustain a distance.

Remember how I gave J. my phone number? He had called me right after work so I figured I'd call him back and ask him to meet us for a drink elsewhere. He immediately agreed, and we decided to meet up.

I was drunk (and driving, yes I know) and bummed about C. I am not sure why I thought it was a good idea to meet up with J. under those conditions. But, when you're drinking you're doing silly stuff. We got there before him and I went to the ladies room to freshen up. Of course he came when I was in there, and I could hear him talking to my friend.

The night was weird. I was quiet. J. was flirting with my friend. I lost two games of pool, and a little respect for myself. I barely talked to J., and my friend is really bubbly, so he naturally was drawn to her.

We said goodbye in an uneventful way. I texted him when I got home, and also the next day, and never heard back from him. 

In two hours I will be at work and seeing him. I am nervous.

***

So the next day was Saturday, the big Halloween party that C. was supposed to come with. He obviously didn't, and I got real dressed up. Maybe I'll post a pic if you want to see one.

The party was awesome, but I ended up flirting with the host, a good friend; Jeff. The problem was that his newish girlfriend from another city was there. She's a LOT younger. It was my first time meeting her and her boyfriend was all over me. Awkward embarrassment and a lot of drunk conversations commenced.

I ended up getting a ride home from my brother, and Jeff texted me saying he needed to talk to me and could we meet up for a drink this week? I said yes.

Facebook says they're still together, so I definitely didn't ruin anything. But I feel bad. About the entire weekend, honestly. I was a hot mess both days, I pushed two guys away, and I quite possibly caused another couple some problems. I need to not hate myself but I really can't stop.

I'm sitting here alone - doing laundry, drinking coffee, feeling stoned. I have no idea what to expect from J. today at work, and I'm feeling fat because I ate and drank a lot this weekend. My nails are magenta and my stomach is in knots.

I'm just going to play it cool. I'm trying like hell to just stop caring. Wish me luck.

Stay Strong

~Sar

XO

Let the madness begin

My coffee's gone cold and I'm paralyzed in my chair. 

It's Friday, and I've got an event-packed weekend at my fingertips.

Tonight: Leave work three hours early. Get all dolled up. Go to see band at bar. Lead singer of band is J., a guy I messed around with six months ago. We haven't seen each other since and this is the first time in awhile that his band is playing here again. He is the one who got rough with me...my fantasy. I have a scar on my arm from our last night together. A literal scar. From being pushed into the wall or washing machine, who can remember?

Tomorrow: Big Halloween Party. C. is coming, even though I blew him off last weekend. I am wearing a slutty/sexy costume. It's tight and revealing, so I've been eating less the past few days. As for C.,  well, I don't know. I wish I didn't invite him but maybe we'll have a good time.

Boys boys boys! My days and nights are filled with them!

At work, J. and I have been talking more and more. We exchange fleeting longing stares. He is beyond sexy. It makes work kind of fun and reckless. This could go on for awhile.

***

Time to get ready. I only have to work for five hours today! The sooner I get there, the sooner I leave :) 

Think super-thin today. Say NO to dessert and second helpings. Not worth it.

Being thin and gorgeous will get you places, and as much as I'd like to deny that in favor of equal rights, I can't. 

It's a fact. Be thin. Think thin. Stay strong.

Be amazing.

***

XO

~Sar

Remorse

"I cheated myself, like I knew I would."

I relate to those words right now because I canceled on C....just texted him with some excuse.
His reaction surprised me. He said, Sarah... We'll have fun! Who knows, maybe you'll even be happy. C'mon, please?

I explained that I had of stuff to do and that I must get to it, hinting that I'm extremely busy working full time which is something he does NOT do. Which, honestly, if I'm being real, is unacceptable. If I'm going to work then any guy I date will have to work just as much. It's how I was raised, it's what I deem manly, it's the American way.

When asked about it last time we hung out, he said he did "landscaping", and he was very vague about it regarding hours, winter options, etc. Plus, he said that thing about us "hanging out for the sake of seeing each other" which I truly don't get.

I'm just falling and flailing for excuses for my behavior. I'm just a big fat scaredy cat who got her period today. It's a cold, blustery day and I don't want to drive 45 minutes to see someone who seemingly only wants to be friends. Fuck that.

Plus, after last night...I'm positive that my single heart is where it belongs. Here's why!

At work last night, J. and I had a few short talks and the chemistry was a-sizzlin! On break it was determined that we were both going out for drinks after work.

At the end of our shift standing by the time clock, in the 30 seconds we were waiting before punching out, he asked where I was going (like what bar). I told him and he said where's that and I tried to explain. Then I said (as we were walking out the door) that he should suggest it later to his friends and come by, because I'll be there and wouldn't that be cool? He said see you later and I said maybe.

I got in my car, and he got in his. I sped out of the parking lot, and he followed. I drove to the bar and parked, he pulled up next to me and got out; glasses off, big grin. It was weird, because I was planning to reapply my deodorant but couldn't exactly do that with him standing there.

So we went in and a bunch of my friends were there, I was expecting 2 or 3 but there were 8 or 9 people and I had to use the ATM! So J. stood at the bar and ordered a beer. After withdrawing funds, I squeezed in between 2 girlfriends and took a shot with them, and then ordered a beer. J. disappeared. Then I went to the bathroom. We lost each other but met outside for a cigarette.

I started talking to this guy, well, I was coerced into the conversation. J. was talking to my friend, who also works with us. Then we made a circle and talked about Halloween costumes. J. remembered my costume and we shared a smile. He answered his phone, put down his beer, and announced that he was leaving to pick up his drunk friends. We made eye contact, said bye, and that was it. He was gone.
'
Pretty weird, huh? It's definitely got me wondering, that's for sure! Why would he literally follow me from work and then only stay for one beer? And bounce? I guess I just assumed that he was staying for at least a half hour! That's why I took my time...getting money, having an (unelaborate) shot with 2 girlfriends, using the bathroom to freshen up. I suppose he was looking for me to start talking right away. Well, I'm not really like that. I like to enjoy the chase, tease a little. He was going straight in for the kill?

Men are confusing! So here I am, it's a wide-open Saturday all of a sudden. I have a list of stuff to do, yes...but it's not exactly pressing. I'd like to put together my costume for next week's Halloween party. I'd like to get a pair of boots!

And just like that, I feel extremely guilty and sick. C. just texted me and said he's still going and that he hopes I change my mind and come too. WTF. There's nothing I hate more than a guilt trip. I hate all of this actually...my fears, my betrayal towards C., my aloof self last night with J.

I'm pushing people away but I'm semi-ok with it because I truly cherish my free time. Though the cravings for love are strong, they do not overpower my mind's voice that tells me to be selfish.

Have a better day than me.

Think thin.

***

Amy Winehouse:

XO

~Sar~

Dream Lover

This week is flying by. Literally. Look, there it goes.

Like all the pink around here? I'm always considered myself a "girly-girl". I enjoy wearing dresses and skirts in the summer. I always wear jewelry and carry a purse. My style is "librarian chic" aka "trendsetting traditionalist". I love clothes, fashion, and makeup. It's all fun to me! Here's some pics of fit women in pretty outfits, to inspire you:

***

To work, I mostly wear cardigans in cheerful colors with tank tops and fitted jeans or when I'm feeling blue, black sweaters and dangly earrings three days in a row. I am the girl who sways her hips when she walks through the cafeteria, who smiles coolly and looks mad sometimes. I avoid eye contact with the office hotties...screw them, they can squirm. I do what I want, whenever I want, is what I said today, outside, smoking cigarettes with coworkers. With pride and a sense of superiority I haven't felt in awhile.

Things are ok. It's after one in the morning and I'm exhausted with a backache. I ate, unfortunately. At least I was hungry and not just stuffing my face because I'm sad. Which has certainly happened before and will probably happen again. Such is life with a fucked up mind.

Work is ok now that I've decided to start playing lovegames to pass the time. This dude J. is super hot and (5 years) older, but he has an "ex-wife" and a child. We haven't talked too much or really had a chance to sit down and get to know each other (how could we, at work?) and I feel something. I enjoy the thrilling eye chase. I look at him and then look away. He looks and I look back and past, at the clock or a person walking by. I feel his hot gaze on my cheek. I blush...and feel horny. A mid-work tryst is on my bucket list.

I'm also talking to C. still. We are hanging out again on Saturday...on a date type thing. We're going to the Botanical Gardens. I'm excited, this has been an ongoing flirtation for awhile with him. We actually met in College Town. He's interesting and good looking...we'll see how it goes though. We're just trying to hang out as friends with no romantic undertones. Apparently. Which works for me.

I've also been texting back and forth about random serious shit with P. My ex from forever ago/Prom Date. We literally didn't talk for 7 years and then met at the bar, friends again instantly.
I ain't a player I just crush a lot!

***

I'm. so fucking. full. Why did I eat tonight?
Hope you're all staying strong.
Think thin!

XO,
Sar

Strawberry Fields Forever

It's 11:33 in the morning and I've ate some candy corn and a toaster strudel (with no icing). I've drank a small glass (about 3 oz.) of orange juice. We'll say I'm at 550 calories. What's with the sugar cravings? Well, I could blame shame. I was supposed to go to class at eight. I lay in bed, after I snoozed my alarm, and didn't bother to reset it again after it went off for the second time. I slept until my friend from class texted me at quarter to eight saying she wouldn't be there. I knew there was no way I was going, so I texted her back, and we both felt smug with our badassness. Except I no longer feel happy about my decision. For thing, I completely threw off my routine.

But the cable guy came and I was able to flirt with him in my pjs and get a free cable box (to replace the one the cat knocked over). I thought for sure I'd have to pay for it. I guess I was wrong. So that's a good thing, except after he left I was feeling blue because we started talking about house fires and I had maybe a handful and a half of candy corn. Damn you, Halloween and your tasty confections. I mean FATTY shyt-sweetz!  Why bother eating them if it makes me feel like shit? Why buy them if I just hate myself every time?

I am gnawing on my finger tips. The skin all around the nail. Mostly my thumbs and index fingers, but I feel like a freaking cannibal.

I saw J. yesterday. We went all of Sunday without talking and then Monday morning he texted me, asking how my ankle was. I promptly texted him back, inviting him to meet me for coffee that afternoon. He was down. We met up at two in the afternoon. It was great. We had a really interesting conversation and his body language was telling me the right things. His eyes are so, so, beautiful. I'm not sure if they're green or brown, or maybe hazel, like my eyes. They just lock onto mine. It's sensuous and very compelling.

He had to work, so we went our separate ways.

A few minutes later****

Typing about J. sent me into a tailspin. I just started cleaning and putting things away in a rush of madness. I need to smoke, calm down.
puFF.
PUff.

Ok. Back to where I was. J. and I had a nice time and now tomorrow we're going to "smoke and watch a movie". We've never smoked together. I'm nervous because when I smoke around "new" people I get quiet and self-conscious. And, the best part? We're doing it here. My place. I haven't had a guy here yet. I'm so, so scared. I am going to buy a tapestry specifically because this guy is coming over. I have been meaning to, but J. seeing the interior of my apartment is a big step, and I want it to look cool, with a groovy vibe, so that's reason enough :)
The wall is a little plain by the television so after my classes later I'll stop at this hippie store and buy it, come home and hang it, and of course I'll be thinking thin.

Silly, yes. Understandable, yes.

I think this dude is pretty awesome. It's not that I want to impress him, but if he's going to come check out my "crib" then I want it to look like I have it together.

Idk. I'm all over the place with this. It's just marijuana and a movie. I have all of today to primp if I think it'll make me feel better. I could paint my nails or something. I'll also clean the kitty's litter area impeccably. I've always been really paranoid about my place reeking of cat. I smoke so much in here though, I bet that covers anything funky. Ahhhhh must. chill.

I need to clean and take a shower and finish this laundry and brush the cat and attend two classes. I need to buy a tapestry today. I can do all this. I can do all of this with NO MORE FUCKING FOOD.

I'm just smoking and listening to music, no reason to get upset or anxious, really. Tomorrow will be here when it comes. I had a good time with him. If I just prepare myself today then tomorrow I can relax and maybe score a kiss from this sexy man.

Dang.

Be thin*

Beautiful, skinny, women with curves. 

My dream body is rail thin with a tiny curve to my hips and breasts.

I am getting there.

It's hard but I know what to do:

1. Restrict calorie intake

2. Move around as much as possible

3. Sleep well

4. Take vitamins and drink lots of water, black coffee, and green tea

5. Never eat seconds.

6. Never admit to being hungry, people expect more when they hear that

6. Vegan diet as much as possible

Sexy 6 rules for a sick bod.

think thin*

xo~Sar

Loathe, my pretty

All of a sudden I'm talking to three guys. Pimpin' ain't easy. My head gets all hot and I sense my face flush when I admit to myself how badass I feel. It's awkward. And all week I've been walking around with a bright red pimple on my (normally clear) face, so go figure that. I've saw all of them this week. Jeez. Now it's just about the weekend, and I'm freaking out. This guy J. I haven't blogged about yet. There are two J.'s and a C.

Lmao. Anyway.
J. is super sexy and tall. We unfortunately work together. What is with me? I need to NOT pick up guys at work. It's not my fault though, I'm just my self at work and they are drawn to it, sometimes, not always. I swear I'm not a conceited bitch.

But J... damn. He is the sexiest guy I've ever seen, no lie. He is built like a god and he's really nice! There's a catch, of course ... he's a year and two months younger than me. That's a problem. I don't like younger guys. I like older guys. I've dated younger guys before, but I vowed to stop.

And the other J. is also a tall hottie. We met extremely randomly but get along.
C. is a sweetie who writes me long emails. He is attractive but not mind blowingly so.

I am sick of it though. I really am. I don't want to be so distracted by boys every minute but if they're not there I'm not happy. I like it and I hate it. Same with this e.d. I like it and don't wish to give it up, at the same time I despise myself for being so idiotic around food, and for making up food rules, and for purging expensive food; I despise having two sides to this story. I despise being a victim to circumstance and human nature. I wish I was invincible. I wish I was completely independent and glorious. I feel like I am out of control. I am smoking more and more and more and more and more oh and I'm smoking right now. I have missed a few classes but school has been going on for a month so I don't feel too bad I suppose.

I worry that I'm leading all of these boys on. I fear that I'll never let go of this e.d. because there is no love when I love punishing myself. No man should have to deal with that, deal with me..

So I won't allow it. I can't dedicate myself to this and that. I do not wish to become fatter, and that's what will happen when I stop caring. I care about getting thin. It's something that matters to me. That's significant, because lately nothing matters.


I've ate today. I'm at about 1300 calories, but it's night, and I'm going to bed. I hate myself sometimes. I feel like I started this post off happily and slowly fell down the slope. I let my brain chill for a minute, I let it take a step back and point accusingly in my direction and say, "See, you freak? It's too much, slow it up before you crash."

Do I listen? Hahahaha

Nope.

I am so out of it.

In one of my classes this semester there are maybe 7 girls in the class. Every girl is thin. There are three that are thinner than me for certain. Two of them are short and thin, so they are just tiny people which I cannot relate to. The other is tall, like me. She's thinner. It's on, bitch.

Think thin ...

x0~SaR

They hate each other.

Hungry (yes I said it)

Hey,
 I was hoping for some helpful comments on that last post. Didn't get any, LOL. I guess no one can solve my problems ... only me, myself, and I. Fasted today. Until now. I'm fucking starving and just ordered a mini 4-slice veggie pizza from my local deli. Isn't that just wonderful? I didn't pick it up yet, but I'm about to.

 I know that even if I eat the whole thing I won't breach my calorie limit for the day. That is a good thing. It's terrible that I'm giving in, and eating. But I'm beyond stressed and if I don't eat something resembling a meal I will likely snack the night away on fattening shit. It's honestly better in today's situation for me to eat some oven-baked veggie pizza and be filled up so I don't snack.

 Snacking is bad. Eating is bad. Why am I giving in, really? Too many reasons to count. I am a sick fool.

*30 minutes later*

I'm back. I ate two slices and put it in the fridge. The good news is that I'm still so hungry. The other good news is that I am officially done eating. I am exacting control over the situation. I am taking charge.

I am also smoking [surprise, surprise]. I enjoy getting high. I've smoked for years. I am not saying this is a positive thing. Just saying.

So tonight I have two choices regarding plans: (1) Take a walk with J. this new guy I met. OR (2) Get a drink with C. to talk, because I blew him off last week.

HmMm.

I'll decide shortly. It's already nine at night, though. Maybe I'll say fuck off to both of them and go to sleep.

Oh, my pounding head.

Shaky hands.

Dizziness.

Am I sick?

 ---in the head, maybe.

Can't think straight.
Peace..

xo~Sar

Boy-Crazy

I've really changed this summer. Starting, obviously, on April 5th (the night the fire happened). I sit here pondering my recklessness, and find that I really can't even look myself in the eye. I detest my actions at times, and yet I feel this growing appreciation for my unique character.

I've been busy, which is why blogging has fallen to the wayside. I'm popular, honestly. And somewhat of a guy magnet. I am also selfish, foolish, and shy. I am a tease. I've kissed three boys in three days. Isn't that funny? One of them was my ex-bf John. We went swimming with his son and just had a simple, innocent kiss when he dropped me off at home. The next was my *first kiss* with A. It was pretty great, actually. Electric, if you will! He is the shorty with the killer blue eyes. We might be dating, but I'm not sure, because.... last night I made out hardcore with N. (my best friend's brother). We were drunk. We could have had sex (I slept in his bed) but I said no (because I really care for A.) and it was fairly fun, but there really are no sparks between us. With N. ... it's just, easy. To come on to him. To make him think I want him. To tease him. We probably won't speak for awhile.

Well, now that you think I'm a slut I suppose I'll change the topic. I love restricting. I love puking up alcohol every hour or so when I'm drinking with friends, it keeps the bloat down and I can handle myself way better. Puking is so calming, yet so, so, fucking gross. The other night I was at my friend's house and I kept excusing myself to use the bathroom; I would jam a few fingers down my throat and puke up wine. It burned (obviously) and I was pale, but I just ... love it. I love the control. I love thinking that maybe they are wondering about me. I love being able to do something that others might think about but never dare to do.

I am in over my head.

Date night.

We're sitting around a table, playing a drinking game with cards. The game is 'Kings'. If you pick the King card than you have to drink from the main cup, which everyone pours some booze in. I pull the King card, of course, so I eye the drink. It is filled with whiskey and coke and beer. Calorie bomb. I was feeling tipsy and wanting to be drunk so I said to myself, the hell with it, just drink. And as I lift the cup to my lips, this guy across the table said, "Chug it, you could use the calories".

Oh??

Thanks for commenting on my size in front of ten people and turning all eyes on me and making me feel uncomfortable, because don't you see how fat I am? I can't win though. And I can't let him win. So I smiled smugly and downed the drink in a couple of seconds. It wasn't awful.

That was Sunday night. Today is Tuesday and I feel huge. Today I had watermelon and some (gasp!) white pasta with this disgusting garlic butter sauce that was left over from a party we had for the fourth. It was the only thing in our fridge full of food that looked appetizing. I would guess that I ate maybe 1 1/2 - 2 cups. It' so fucking hard to know, I can guess all I want, but I'll never know the truth.

My love life has gotten interesting. I enjoy being a 'pimp'. By that I mean, I love talking to several guys at once...


Well, I've done some laundry and now I'm smoking a little bowl. I am going shopping, because this guy "D." is picking me up to go to a concert :) It's the first time we actually have plans to chill. He is gorgeous and incredibly tall. I want to look bangin' so I'm looking to buy a dress. I am nervous as fuck which is why I am done eating for the day. Pasta and fruit: all I need for this beautiful Tuesday.

I refuse to have a bloated stomach. I have a few hours, 4 to be exact, before he comes. Ugh, a real date!?

Am I ready?

OH, and THANK YOU for the lovely comments. I felt sort of foolish asking such things of you! But you surprised me, darling!! <3

Peace on Earth,

and,

wish me luck, haha. Should be a good time but you know...only time will tell.

I'm thinking thin, are you??
ThinK ThiN

<3 Sar


*NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels...*