It's 4/19 - got a minute?

I'm so fucking angry, all the time. Every day is a new adventure.. will I be ok? Or will I wake up in a shit mood, thinking shit thoughts, treating people and myself like shit? Today it's the latter. I didn't want to get out of bed (I never do). I didn't clean up at all last night so my kitchen is a mess. I didn't go grocery shopping last night so I have no coffee or yogurt. I did smoke tons of weed, and now I'm out. I did lay around staring at the internet, and now my eyes feel strained. But I rose, and got up, and wiped down the counter, and drove my ass to the coffee shop for a large coffee and a croissant, and came home to start work. 

I'm fed the fuck up with work to be honest. I want to be happy at my job, but I am feeling ignored by my manager. I had attempted to negotiate my raise again, like I successfully did last year, but so far have been ghosted. It has been almost three weeks. I followed up once. My motivation has tanked. I am doing the bare minimum at a slower pace. I have so much to do and I know I'm slipping up. Even now, it's 1:30PM and I should be at my work desk, but I'm here on the couch on blogger. Cat sleeping next to me. He looks so comfy and cute.

I wish I could be happy. I started a fight with K. We are not speaking. My neck hurts - I have chronic neck pain. My period started this morning. It was two days late. Every time it has been late, ever since I got knocked up in 2014, I always wonder if I'm preggers again. But nope. Never again. Period always comes. It's probably for the best. It's not like we're trying to get pregnant. But I do want kids someday. Except, that window is shutting fast. I'll be 37 this year.

It hurts, to say that out loud and internalize the very real repercussions. I likely won't have children of my own. It's weird, because as far back as I can remember, way back to when I was a little girl playing "house", I always wanted to be a mom. I was always the mom. I have a innate nurturing ability. I care about stuff.

Just not, apparently, my self. I have neglected chores and work and a shower. I have been in a major depressive episode for what feels like months. I'm taking care of my cat, barely. Just dialing it in for the rest.

Do you ever check your ex's socials? We broke up in late 2021. He came crawling back in Summer 2022. Haven't seen or spoken since. But yesterday I checked his twitter. Dude has become one of those thirsty "reply guys" and liking girl's selfies. It's gross! He looks so pathetic! Why do I care? Why did I check? Why does it bother me?

Well, probably because I didn't take the time to really get over him and the relationship, as I met K. very quickly after we split. Yes, me and K. took things VERY slow and really built our relationship from the ground up, and yes he knew I was fresh out of a relationship. But I still feel this slight tug within, that tells me I probably should've waited longer before going on dating apps. Can't take it back, and I was very transparent with K. about not wanting him to be a rebound. I don't think he was. But I do think that we probably met too soon. But that's how life goes sometimes. And last summer, when D. came back, telling me he loved me and wanted us to give it another shot, I was open with K. I was open with myself. I took space from K. and realized that he was the one I wanted to be with. I tried my best to be authentic and honest with both of them, and also myself. I made my choice.

I'm only human and it's exhausting to be. I want to be better. I want to be the best. But I am so fucking far from it, it's disgusting. I really unleashed on K. today. We have terrible fights sometimes. We both struggle with past demons. Sometimes it brings us closer, sometimes it pushes us apart. It's hard. My gut is hinting to me that I should suck it up and call him. But I literally told him not to call or text me today, I told him I hated him, I hung up on him. Why, you might ask? Because I was punishing him. I felt that he was acting distant last night. Truth is, we talked all day yesterday, he's having a rough go with work too, and he's stressing about his doctor's appointment tomorrow. He shut down a little last night and I was hurt, because I tried to be there for him. Encourage and support him through it all. And it felt like he didn't acknowledge or appreciate it. That triggers me.

I'm tired. I gotta work but all I want to do is get in bed and shut my eyes and wake up in a different life or in a different place or just wake happy and rested. *huge sigh*

Just had to vent. 

-S.

Freaky scratched out faces

I know it's risky to show myself, but whatever - life's short. Scroll down to see me in my Halloween costume :)

Jeez Lousie, a LOT can happen in a week! Remember coworker J. who I was crushing on? Turns out he is a drug-addicted dud; I'm hoping he gets canned. Mean, I know. Never said I was nice.

On the happier hand, another J. (good guy friend) dropped the bomb and admitted that he "likes" me. He's older and just bought a house, so I'd be foolish to ignore this. Even though I told him straight up I wasn't looking for a relationship. He took it well and we're playing things by ear and seeing how it goes.

Enough about men, there will ALWAYS be men.

I need to get out of this depressed state. You are surely familiar with the "waves" of depression...I am riding low, real low lately. Smoking weed in the morning and at night, declining invites with people left and right, sabotaging myself by going to chill with an ex-boyfriend, ignoring my desire to organize. I have paperwork piled up on my desk. I have a floor that needs vacuuming. I have at least 2 loads of laundry that need to be done. 

I have plans to make and execute. I have a life that needs to be lived. So where the fuck is my head? There has been a noticeable difference in me since I stopped therapy and I'm ashamed of that. I'm mad that I can't beat this. But really...I'm not even trying. I'm floating. 

Nothing seems right. My life feels like a joke. I feel lost all the time, like seriously confused about who I am and where I'm supposed to be. I'm 25 and beyond unsettled, but I'm watching close friends get married. Have babies. Buy houses and brand new cars and large grills.

What the fuck am I doing?

Drinking coffee and smoking a bowl before work. Yesterday I ate many "fun-size" candy bars...fuck you Halloween!! Wish I was wearing a costume to work, but we're "not allowed".

Think thin - I haven't ate yet today and maybe I won't because I need to punish myself for yesterday's fantastic failure. 

Stay strong.

xo~Sar

P.s. Here's me (on the left) and my bff last weekend in our Halloween costumes:

Sorry for the freaky scratched out faces. 

If you happen to recognize me...hello and thanks for reading! 

*Happy Halloween*

Drama-Queen.

I'm so fucking tense right now, I can't even breathe right. My shaky hands won't work correctly. I can't type, comb my hair, plug my phone charger in without dropping combs and chargers and just being a huge klutz.

I hate life right now.
My fucking cat, omg, does this all the time. I have a cup of water (always) and he jumps up and knocks it over. It has happened countless times. I never seem to learn. So this morning I was sitting in front of my laptop in a groggy state, and he did it AGAIN and spilled water all the fuck over my lap top, cell phone, desk, notebooks and folders...omg. omg. omg. I screamed, "god dammit" and "fuck you cat" but those curse words mean nothing to him. He doesn't know what he did wrong. I'm the big dummy who hasn't learned.

To make matters worse :SIGH: I just sent the nastiest message to T. Here's why...we talked all weekend, I thought things were gravy. He asked me to hang out last night once he got back in town. Never called. Apparently his car ran out of gas. He always has an excuse or reason as to why he hasn't come though.

A few hours later:

I went to class. I saw T. twice (of fucking course, I never see him on campus, today I would, of course). I am home now. We are exchanging angry texts. I am sick over this. Sick and tired.

Last night I binged hardcore. I ordered a white pizza (with broccoli, tomato, onion)...I ate 5 slices last night and 1 today. 6 slices in less than 24 hours...that is not normal/healthy.
I hate myself right now.

I can't type this. There is so much to save but I just want to hit "publish post" and move the fuck on. Next up for me? Going to campus to tell my teacher that I don't have the paper due today from last semesters incomplete in his class. Shit. Dreading this. Wish me luck. (That will make 2 F's for last semester). Yikes.

Stay strong. I'm not though. So I shouldn't be a hypocrite. Alright, just, have a good one. Peace.

Memory motel.

"I'm so fucking depressed- I just can't seem to get out of this slump" -Eminem

This day that was supposed to be good and purposeful has fallen to shit. I am a pathetic waste of life and I hate myself. I was going to go home, and I told my mom, but I kept changing when. Well I woke up today and realized it was all out of the question. I couldn't make myself go out in the rain, couldn't make myself go answer the doctor's cheesy questions, couldn't make my life easier by depositing check in the bank..I am a fuck up, a failure, I hate hate hate hate hate myself. I should have just went. Why didn't I just fucking go? Oh because I wanted to take a nap. Because I got high. Because I am delusional, I thought I would shop today. Gawd// kill me now. PLease.
Sad memory time:
I remember the time him and I got in horrible, terrible, drunk, screaming fight. I remember him driving drunk, getting us lost; my voice was hoarse from crying and screeching but I was so scared he was going to break up with me/leave me that I finally shut up and helped him get us back to my parents house. That night turned even nastier. I remember banging my head against the car window, smashing my palms into the dash, into the side, into him...I wanted pain, NO, I wanted to be dead. My fists clenched, my legs moving in spasms, tears streaming down my fucked up face... I was crazy. He was crazy. I yelled, "kill me, just kill me, please, please just murder me, I want to be dead, I need to be killed, just do it, just do it, pleaseee..." Like I had something to prove, like I was tough, and not just the fucking psycho that I am.

End of memory..it fades to black..it hurts to go back. I am still alive and that is what hurts.

Make it all go away, make this stop. I don't want these heavy, blurry feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, repression. I am choking on my own lies now. I want this. I guess I just want to go fucking nuts and get locked up.

Sorry you guys, I just needed to vent. I really, truly need some fucking valium..or help..or something. I don't know what, but I need it soon before I jump.

A warm gun...

Depression fucking hurts. Like the commercials imply/hypnotize me into believing..must be going crazy tonight, every night, every day. Where can I throw it all away? I skipped all classes today. I don't care but I do care. I am fucking stupid for not going to my last class..I had to turn in something, and I justified not going by saying, "I'll email her" (my prof) to myself..I didn't convince myself. I didn't email her. I ignored the situation, which is easier and more comfortable for me. Selfish slob...I went to natural foods store and bought raw granola, almond breeze "milk", lara bar, and organic apples. I saw R. in the street. I could just die. Why do I like him? Why do I want him? He has a girlfriend!!!!! I am soo DISGUSTED with myself. I seriously am obsessed with this dude, it comes and goes. Some days I forget about him, like today, then I see him, then he TEXTS me, an hour later I text him back and still no fucking response. TheSe gAmEs will kill me!
I am pissed right now. I am pressing so hard on these keys that I might just break the whole thing. My friends are ignoring me, not including me in plans, not calling me, making plans with each other (I introduced them)...I am unlikable. I am unlovable. Wow my Dad doesn't even call me, or my brothers. Or my sister for that matter all though she occasionally facebooks me..I called my bro but it wasn't a good time so he'll call me tomorrow. My family has a hard time talking to me. No one likes me, not even me.

Can I just disappear? Can I just die? No - no I don't want to die yet...but can I just go away for awhile? I am so damn lonely I hate it. I like it because it gives me an excuse to be sad.

Friday's food: 2 apples, larabar, granola and almond breeze (like 3 or 4 servings..gag). iced soy latte. I feel like a behemoth. That is a lot of calories today, I don't even want to bother counting it. So fuck it. At least it was all organic. except for the latte.

Starve on.
~~~~~~~
Think Thin

<3

Carbs and self-hatred before noon.

Ridiculous.

Woke up at 7:15 to shower, study, and prepare myself for the day. Woke up feeling kinda skinny. Woke up exhausted though. I failed. I failed at life.
I lounged on the couch for too long, then around 8 got in the shower, stayed in there too long, and then decided to smoke. /my downfall is this.
I sat on the toilet for like 20 minutes, staring into space, hoping (sorry) for a bm. Felt like it should happen, but it didn't. I realized that time was wasting so I got up, frustrated, and got dressed. Left on my glasses, didn't brush my hair. Felt stoned off my ass but ready to go have fun and take this test, even if I didn't do so hot.
However, I missed the bus. Should have just walked, but I was running soo late, the bus I missed was one that would get me to campus right before class, with no time to spare. Walking to campus takes about 20 minutes. I said fuck it, and walked to my car.
Driving along, high, only a few minutes to get there and find a spot to park. All of a sudden I made a left turn and just came home. I walked upstairs, and started eating. At least 6 slices of pumperknickel bread, some with peanut butter and jelly. Almost an entire box of Kashi crackers (I started them last night) with laughing cow cheese as "dip" for the crackers. 3 biscotti. 100 cal bag of popcorn. apple. cut up fruit. UGH I feel stuffed and disgusting and honestly I really just hate myself.

Wtf am I going to do about this test? I just missed it! Didn't even BOTHER going, or studying. I hate life. I am having suicidal thoughts (but I won't do it).. I need help. I need to get away. I don't know what the hell I am doing in college, in life!

Now, it is almost noon. That was like a two-hour long binge. And still no bm. Ha, why would there be? That would actually make me feel better! My life is a joke. This day sucks. I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I have one more class today, am I going? Haven't decided. I guess I am going to go lay down for a bit, and see if I can wake up later for class (in two hours actually, fuck). But if I can walk to campus I won't feel as bad about this awful morning carb fest.

Wish me luck : /

ps. flushed & stick thin...thank you for your kind comments yesterday <3


EDIT**

Didn't go to class. Slept for 3 hours. Just woke. I can ruin a day so easily. What now?