Ever been to Oslo?

I'm feeling quite thin today. It had to be noted. See Sar, you are not a fat failure all the time! The only good thing about stress is lack of appetite. I literally cannot binge when I'm stressed. It's just not fun.

Yesterday: bagel (breakfast), salad (lunch), wine (dinner).
Today: tortilla (90 cal) and carrots w/hummus (90 cal). This was brunch.

Plus coffee, obviously.

I don't feel hunger, just hipbones.

OH! I tried on my bikini yesterday for the hell of it. It's an old one, I've had it for about three years, but it's still cute and not faded or anything. Anywho it looked pretty damn good on me. I must say, for a 27 year old. I will not be embarrassed on the beach or by the pool, I will be confident. Righteous!

I'm going to finish a couple of chores. get ready, gas up the vehicle, and hit the road for my day drive. It's a nice sunny day and I'm feeling alright with the world. Later!

-Sar

Dog days

5:30 at night and it's dark out. I'm sitting here drinking cup after cup of hot tea in hopes of soothing my sore throat. I am also smoking. I've had about 700 calories today. I am light headed from the smoke and restriction. In about an hour, I have to drive through the snow back to campus, because tomorrow morning is my big debate, and my partner and I are just getting together tonight due to our busy schedules. Less than 2 weeks of classes in my undergrad and I'm freaking out, but trucking on.

I am so easily distracted, switching from tab to tab, settling on blogger, noticing I've gained a follower, feeling guilt for not posting in awhile, but not really...I mean, who cares? Certainly not I. I give myself credit for getting out of the bed in the morning, it's not easy dealing with depression while tackling school work and a job and so I give myself plenty of leeway when it comes to extracurriculars, like blogging.

I am completely nervous about standing in front of my (mostly male) class tomorrow at 8 in the morning. I have been feeling sick all week and am stressed to the max. Especially because I am still EXTREMELY unfamiliar with the law, and my teacher is all about the law, and I'm sure to stand there awkwardly if my classmates start flinging questions our way left and right. *Sigh*

I just got to have faith in my partner and I. We are meeting tonight and that's that. Hopefully we'll come up with a strong argument and tomorrow won't be horrifying. Hopefully.

Well she just texted me, asking me to get there early. So I'll end this here. Oh goodness, the fear. Wish me luck, darlings. Stay strong tonight and tomorrow. I've started adding notes to my phone after a binge, and it's working. The last time I binged was yesterday morning at 10, I know this because I noted it in my phone. It was a controlled binge but still. Fuck binging.

Think thin, please. Be someone's thinspiration tomorrow. I always dress to emphasize my thin parts, specifically my arms and neck/collar area. I keep it baggy around my tummy. I hate having a stomach, I'd like to just wish it away. But instead I''ll just starve for a bit. Concave stomach = MY NEXT GOAL!
Peace!

Xo~ Sar

I'm the other woman

Why is being thin the only thing that matters?

My hip bones are poking out and my stomach is empty and my head is spinning and I am falling falling falling down the rabbit hole, like Marya warned, and I'm scared.

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.
So so true that is.

I have been *successfully* restricting the past few days. On thanksgiving I piled little spoonfuls of all the side dishes on my plate and sampled them. I was so "full" I couldn't finish. I left all the food on my plate, I looked around our table of nine, and saw clear dishes. I had no dessert; I took a nap. I was the odd one out, the strong one, the vegetarian, the disciplined little brat who made everyone uncomfortable with her jutting collarbones and sallow complexion.

The best part of the week was Wednesday, the night before thanksgiving. I went out with my best friend and we got smashed. We ended up getting a ride back to her house with these guys (we knew them) and getting crazy in her living room, while her mom slept upstairs. No sex, just lots of making out..

I was hooking up with J. but he APPARENTLY has a girlfriend, who's going to school in Vermont. I stalked her on facebook and of course she's gorgeous, thin, and there were tons of pictures of the two of them. APPARENTLY they are not in love, though. Whatever, not my problem. Him and I have just been texting non stop and he's called me twice. I might see him tonight.

Oh god and I'm getting sick. My whole head hurts. My throat feels sore. My stomach feels funny. But I WILL BE THIN!

Because being thin is all that matters....



Think thin*

xo Sar

I crave cheese sometimes.

Period week = binge and bitchiness. Yup, that's about where I'm at, with a side of confusion. I swear that I never thought this summer would be so full of boys. Good God where did they all come from? I'm not even nice, or hot. I'm *ok*. I'm fat though. Ew. Skinnier than my friends, yeah, but still FAT!

Especially today, after: 1/2 bagel with melted mozzarella. huge bowl of cereal with almond milk. 2 cookies. ice cream sandwich. big salad (with more mozzarella). slice of cheese pizza (no crust). larabar. veggie chips.

NO LIES. I HAVE STUFFED MY FACE THIS DAY.

I am so disgusting when I eat, I shovel it in my mouth, barely tasting it, just wanting to fill that burning need inside me. It worked today, I'm full as fuck. It's 3 pm. Jeez. I'll admit that most of that food was ate last night, but it's technically Tuesday, damnit. And I hate myself for indulging. I n D u Lg E r <-- that's me.

Ahem. Back to the boys. A. is a dreamboat. He's got those blue eyes that make me weak. He's a southern sweetheart and a gentleman. He's short, but I must resign to the fact that most guys are in fact short compared to me, the tall tree.
A. and I have exchanged rapid fire text messages. So fast, so much. I keep having to delete them from my phone so it doesn't spontaneously combust from all of the excitement.

I left "The Admirer" aka J. in the cold. I'm just not into him. He's ok, but nothing I'm sweating. By that I mean that I am just not attracted to him, or his personality, or something. It's weird. Hearts are strange. He is probably feeling rejected but it happens, I've certainly felt rejected many many times this past year.

I made out with N. (my best friend's brother) last week. That was fun. There's really nothing there, though. He is actually more of a partier than I am. Makes sense, he was in the military. He is super sexy though, and drives a hot fucking car. Ohgod. I melt. But again, I'm looking to feel comfortable around a guy, and I don't necessarily feel that I can be myself around N. or J.

A. on the other hand? : )

Ok, enough of the name abbreviations and snippets of my sordid affairs. I need to focus on me, which I have NOT been doing. I've been drinking until I puke, stuffing my face late at night, smoking a shit load of cigarettes...I am a hot mess.

It happens...

But I'm still thinking thin every day and restricting whenever possible. I enjoy restricting, and I did it all weekend, but like always, it caught up to me. My hunger yesterday and today was insatiable. However! If I stop now (which I did) I just know that by tonight/tomorrow I'll be feeling a lot better about life.

Love ya'll.

Ps I can't believe I'm already excited for Fall fashion. Wtf? What's the must-have item this Fall for you??

xo~Sar

Moods of a March day.

I am here, you are there.

I got my test grade, 68. Out of 100.

I took the test last friday after T. and I's wild, sexy night. I am letting every part of my life slip to the ground. I only care about him. And when he will text me. Or call me. I can't concentrate in class because I am constantly hoping to spot him on campus.

I've become a little obsessed.

I have done nothing exciting today except go to class. I did not pay attention. I came home and facebook stalked T. until I felt slightly mortified at the extent of my actions.
I hate myself.
Earlier, I went to bed to lay down for awhile. Barely slept. Just thought, and wished for the stupid sound of my phone.

Once I realized I wasn't accomplishing anything and sleep wasn't happening, I got up. And ate a bag of microwave "butter light" popcorn. What. The. Fuck!

I hate myself. Did I say that already?
Sorry guys, I was feeling so much more positive yesterday. But today I am pathetic. And bloated...period time, yay.

I am smoking a quick bowl. I am tempted to go to campus for this women's history month presentation. It is in twenty minutes. I know there will be food there, though.

A dilemma.

What to do?

I am interested in hearing the speech, but the idea of eating more is making me sick. I ate lunch already. (Huge salad and mashed potatoes (no gravy obviously) and a few tator tots (no ketchup) and a cookie. Yikes. PLus the popcorn?? I am so gross.

HAte.Hate.HAte.

T. is driving me crazy. His blonde, white-teethed, world-traveling ex-girlfriend is back in the picture. I am fucking pissed and let him have it, because he emailed her! And apparently "misses her" cuz it's "been so long" (she's in a country on the other side of the world) (bitch).

Think what you want. My intuition tells me two things: (1) he is trying to make me feel like shit/how I made him feel (reverse psychology? doubt he's smart enough for that but I digress) because he is jealous of my ex-boyfriend, who came to see me a month ago...or (2) this was his first love and he wants to reconnect in hopes of possibly getting back together someday.

I have no idea if either of these is true. I want to know. But I don't. And can't ask.
We did talk about it. He insists there is not nor will be anything going on. At least not "romantically". Ugh.

I can't even think straight. Oh yeah, I just blazed.

I need to talk about this crazy stuff that is going on in my head. I need to. I have been thinking about suicide. I think about it far too much, it can't be normal. I have no plans. Just thoughts. I feel sick.


I am so completely adhd.

I just got up, looked for my kitten's squeaky ball (it was under a dresser), and began playing with him. I was down on my hands and knees. Then I walked to the kitchen and looked at the dishes. Thought about doing them. Remembered I was typing a blog post. Sat back down. Here I am. Am I crazy? This is my life.

I have another test tomorrow. At eight in the freakin' morning. I'm getting up super early so I am "properly caffeinated," as quoted by my teacher. He's a funny one.

It looks like I'm skipping the talk. Better to be safe than sorry. I can't be around all that food. Not after I just ate. Fuck it. It's only been 5 hours since lunch and I just had to have the popc-- I won't even finish typing that evil, disgusting word.

The sun came out briefly, while I was in bed, I looked at it out the window a few times. I did not go outside. Thinking back, I could have taken a walk in the sunshine. What was I thinking? I ask myself this too much.
I am freaking T. out.

I am freaking me out.

Think thin, people. Let's not aid to the obesity epidemic.

Keep losing weight- it's good for you.

I'm happy it's March...spring is on the way.

Spring clothes; shorts, skirts, dresses, tank tops, bathing suits.
Will I be looking good? Will I be NOT feeling self-conscious in my skin?

I will be 120.
Short term goal: 125 by the end of March. Holding steady there for a couple weeks.
Then it's gonna be 120. Maybe by 4/20/2010 ...

... ha.

I'm serious though. Please, take me seriously. Hold me to this. I'm not fucking around anymore. If I fail at everything else (school, relationships, keeping house) than I might as well succeed at being skinny. It's my only choice. It's the only choice I want, actually. Because I'm scared of change. Hell, sometimes I think I'm scared of success.

Ok, a list before I go. I need to:
1. Do the dishes.
2. Clean the cat's litter area
3. STUDY!!!!! YOU HAVE A TEST IN THE MORNING, STUDY SAR!!
4. Pay a bill or two
5. FIND AN APARTMENT FOR THE SUMMER/FALL
6. Vaccuum
7. Sort laundry, but don't do it : ) Bring it home this weekend! : )
8. Send C's card!!
9. Omg. START PAPER TOMORROW...it is due friday. I can't start it tonight because I need to STUDY!
10. Exercise..do some lunges, you lazy slob. Or some situps, jumping jacks, wall pushups, stretching, or jogging in place.


There. My list feels complete. I can do all of this in the next two days, leaving the rest of the week to focus on my paper. I need to make school a priority instead of T. He cannot be my only reason for life. I do not want to be envisioning my right hand dragging a knife down my left arm. I don't want to go there. I need to do things for me. I need to get this shit done and restrict like crazy until it's a habit.

So this turned long and slightly therapeutic, although I still have this sick knot in my stomach and this pain and heavy ache in my chest, my heart.

I need a hug so badly. I need human contact. I am so alone. I hugged my cat,  he let me for a few seconds, but did not hug back. I need someone to love me.

I guess this is a good place to stop.

Oh World, do you deny me?

Oh you guys.

Ever feel such inner turmoil with no way to express it? Ever feel like your soul is trying to leap out of your body? Ever feel like jumping out your window, or pouring boiling water on your hands, or slicing a thick line across your stomach? I do. Right now. I. am. so. frustrated.

My student loan stuff is apparently ALL FUCKED UP. School starts monday. What the fuck. I am screwed. Today is my last day off, I work all weekend then start school, and I have already been crying, hitting the wall, swearing at God and whoever can hear, wasting my precious phone minutes ON HOLD. UGH!!!!!

Today was supposed to be a good day!!!!!

I was going to get a haircut, and chill/clean.

Now I am stressing hardcore. Pacing around. Tearing at my hair. Lookin' blotchy-faced and miserable.

OH SCHOOL HOW YOU ARE KILLING ME SLOWLY.

Alright. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. It will be okay.

How can I even convince myself? I know deep down that I just want to say FUCK IT!

I HATE college. I LOATHE this country's education system. I hate schoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschoolihateschool.

Too bad hating school won't make it go away.

Goddammit.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need a change of focus. I will smoke and get back to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A long time ago I was different. I cared. I wanted to do well. I wanted a better life.

Something clicked, or changed. I have become bitter and feel entitled and when bad things happen I freak out (usually). That is not even my biggest problem. I don't know what is. It could be this whole food thing. It's really getting to me. My parents are starting to notice. I went home for the day yesterday and our conversation centered around food a majority of the time. My hate for preservatives and my dad talking about grass-fed vs. grain-fed cows. He hates that I don't eat meat and chooses to bring it up every time he sees me. Like if I reach for something that obviously is meat-free, he'll be like "oh don't eat that, there's hamburger in that". I used to be like, "ew!" but now I just roll my eyes and either ignore him (which is hard) or say "no, there's not. (do I look like an idiot to you?)".

My mood has shifted entirely. I am denying myself food. Ha.

Yesterday's calorie intake was great: 740. Yeah!

So around one this morning I had some food...a (100 cal) veggie burger w/ mustard and spinach {no bun}, 2 rice cakes w/ some natural pb (only one ingredient: peanuts) and a 1/2 teaspoon of grape jelly, a 50 cal fiber one yogurt, mandarin oranges, and this walnut/almond nut mix.

So that was technically "last night" right? But OH WELL. I counted it all and so far TODAY I've had 634 calories.

I have been up four hours now.

 Time to get moving.

  No food.

    I just had some tea.

     Before I go get my haircut I'll have a little orange juice.

I'll stay under 900 today. Watch me.

think thin.

<3 Sar

and no, I'm not okay. but I am going to make the best of this day.

Jolly good then? Jolly green giant actually.

It's Christmas. I am sitting here at quarter to nine in the morning, high, doing leg lifts under my desk, and chugging water. I absolutely, positively must fast until Christmas dinner. It really sucks that I am expected to partake in this meal. I have to eat, not just in front of mom & dad, but the extended family as well. I am dreading it. I truly am. Because I clearly cannot control myself. I want to. I just seem to have difficulty convincing myself that food is bad when it is heaped on a plate in front of my eyes, looking all pleasing. It should also be noted that T. is away this week. I have been binging every night since I know he will not be seeing/touching my body\fat. Stupid, because I will be seeing him before I know it, and I will be wishing that I restricted like crazy in this time. But I totally restricted all last week. It's a toss up. This weekly binge/restrict cycle is getting old. I need a new plan.

Here it is. T. will be back either Saturday or Sunday, which is when (if all goes according to plan and he doesn't change his mind & stay home) I will see him next. [I can't wait] Ahem. Ok. So today is Friday. Shit. Not much time.. unless I make an active attempt to eat nothing. gawdammit whywhywhy is this holiday based around food and dinner and dessert and bread and sweets and fuck it all- being thin means more than giving in to some stupid craving for warmth and fullness in my tummy.

Back to the plan. Today I am just going to do my best. Tomorrow though, absolutely nothing. Therefore: I will sleep in and deny food if my mom offers it and get on the road back to my place fast.

The minutes are ticking by. Why on earth am I not more excited to get home and open gifts? Well, it's all just material objects. Plus the sizes, oh the sizes. Medium tops and big bottoms. Ugh. WhatEVER.

I got myself here. It's up to me to find a way out. I need to lose. Now. Every minute of every day needs to be dedicated to staying in this mindset.

Have a great day, all. I will be thinking of you and trying to stay strong. It has been tough lately but I have to keep trying! Peace~

& remember to

• think thin
• stay strong
• keep in mind that nothing tastes as good as thin feels