well hello

well hello

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

It's October

It's late and I'm up smoking, thinking. Not drinking. It's been a ride, my friends. I am on probation now, hopefully for just a few months more. I was in another car wreck, totaling my new car. :-( Luckily I was not injured, and no substances were involved. I am now driving my 3rd car this year. This has all weighed very heavily on me. I feel extremely depressed, still.

Work is going ok. Still seeing Jeff. He has been my rock actually. He is honestly a very helpful influence. My weight is I have no idea haven't weighed myself. But I feel thin. Not thin enough obviously but in a way thin enough for now.. I've been eating kinda crappy but making a much better effort this week.

I feel so dang lost you guys. I've been through so much this year. Death in the family, walking out of my old shitty job, starting a new full time job, 2 car accidents, dwi, probation..... the list goes on and on and I am sick of feeling sorry for myself. Whenever I go through that list of events I get antsy to feel over it. Maybe I can get over it.

I want to succeed, absolutely. I want a good life, filled with love. Earlier today I heard myself say in my mind voice "I hate you". I heard the bad thoughts I know they will continue to come but it's got to be possible to silence them. Or is the trick to hear them.. feel them.. and release them?
They need to change.
Positive thoughts ~ Positive life

I am tired and high, but low.
There is so much to be said but I don't have the energy.
Goodnight blogger.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

Locked up

No clue what I wrote about last time I posted but a bunch of stuff went down. I am alive, but drinking and smoking so much. I have a problem. I was in a bad accident while intoxicated. Guys, I fucked up. Almost two months ago now and I am still in a state of despair. Not able to eat or breathe right. Sleeping too much but always tired. In therapy weekly and about to start group. At a new, full time job, trying to learn and get used to being around so many people, and office politics.

I am drowning. My depression has been a consistent tag along. I am low. But I have not given up. I have NOT given up. I will get up and go to work tomorrow. Driving my new car because my last was totalled in the car accident. I will work and then go to therapy. I will come home and eat something and get good sleep. I can do this, one day at a time.

Until I get through with court, and get my life back.

In the meantime, I have this present moment. Second by minute by hour I am existing. This day has lasted forever. I have to take deep breaths and stay strong. *Inhale*exhale*

I miss posting. Need to do this more.

Thursday, March 23, 2017


There's too much to type and I don't have the time or patience to get it all out.

In a nutshell:

Hi! I am still alive.

My ex D. is still controlling and hurting me, according to everyone and their fucking brother I am "allowing" it to happen. Well, fuck that, that simplifies everything. The situation is complex. We were together for awhile, our relationship was a horrific shit show, we aborted our fetus, the police were involved in our fights, we destroyed each other in every possible way. And maybe it was wishful thinking on my part that we could ever be civil. Maybe I went too far, hooking up with two of his friends. Well the one just died. And my ex blames me. Going as far as calling me a "murderer".

I am hurting, friends. I am hurting deeply. I am not a murderer. I made some bad decisions, yes. I am paying for them.

I admitted to using him to hurt D. That was my first mistake. Never ever admit how vengeful you are. Lesson learned.

This brings me to today, out of the blue I hear from D. via text. He's flipping out, calling me names, same as it ever was. I should have fucking blocked him but I didn't and he got to me. He ruined my mood, pushed me into a cave of depression, and talked so much shit about my guy Jeff I've been seeing that I was insecurely compelled to screenshot it and ask him about it. Which in turn hurt the fuck out of him. God is that all I do? Hurt people???

Needless to say Jeff didn't handle it well, do I blame him? If I had to read that much trash talk about me from his ex I would fucking die or lose my mind. He got mad, at me. And D. I am sick to my stomach over this.

I'm sure none of this makes sense. Too much time has gone by, I have distanced myself from you all and blogger. I have distanced myself from everyone. I didn't even tell my parents I went to Florida. I am a secretive bitch, currently drinking whiskey on the rocks, listening to Phish, and feeling this ache deep inside.

I can't fucking do this anymore.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Happy fuckin Valentine's day

I'm drinking. Jeff is just a fuck buddy so obviously we're not together tonight. Listening to Al Green. Texting this dude in the FBI who I went on one date with and he's about to be moving but he's so damn hott. I haven't wrote a word in months. My hands hurt too much for that. Everything hurts as you get older, I always heard that, and it's interesting to experience it.

To be honest I am hurting. Like usual when I dust off this ancient blog and vent a bit. I am changing everyday but also very much the same bitter bitch. My ex D. still lives in my head and it is a challenge to not listen to his menacing voice. In real life we haven't spoken in months. Kinda hard to grasp still.

Last month was the 2 year anniversary of my abortion. It was a tough month all around. This month is the 1 year anniversary of the first time D. violently attacked me. Superbowl weekend.

Predictably, me and Jeff fought that weekend. Guess I have a little ptsd. Which is not to say we fight often, we just are not on the same page regarding us. Well, we weren't but we are now. It is nothing it means nothing to him. It meant a lot to me but I was wrong.

Shocker! I am wrong a lot but hate to admit it.

I've been applying to jobs and interviewing. Nothing yet, but someday.

I booked myself a mini vacay. Leaving town in 3 weeks for Florida.
Beaches baby.