What is going on with reality? My life has stopped making sense. I am listening to Phish. My boyfriend is verbally abusive, immature, fragile, and doesn't trust me at all. In his words, he "trusts me not to give a fuck". Ouch.
My hands are cold. My stomach is nauseous. I've smoked half a pack of cigarettes after over a month without. I can't eat.
I can sleep but I keep getting interrupted by my downstairs neighbor who works until close at a bar (4am) then comes home loud, drunk, and usually with a dude. So I've been waking at dawn and being unable to fall back asleep some nights because of her ignorance.
It makes me want to move. Everything makes me want to move.
I have stopped writing, stopped practicing guitar, stopped caring about anything but the drama with my boyfriend. It's weird because I realize it but I do nothing to change. I'm comfortable using him as a distraction. It takes the focus off me and my loser life.
Alright, I'm not a loser but I am making $12/hour, socially awkward, and barely hang out with anyone anymore. I am for the most part ok with this. However I do see that in comparison to others I am lacking: cool hobbies, defined talents, money, material items, marriage, babies...the list goes on.
My hobby is reading. Nerd hobby.
My defined talent? Meh, hard worker? Good at giving head? Keeping plants and a cat (and myself) alive? God I am lame.
When I take a closer look at myself I see that I am shallow, self righteous, judgmental, temperamental. I see the bad.
I need to remember how to be the light, see the light, be at peace.
I need to start praying again. Or something.
I have become stuck. I want to be released.
I am looking quite thin. 5 foot 8 and 135 pounds. This is a good weight for me. My arms and legs look smaller. My ribs and hipbones stick out and I have a bony clavicle and defined cheekbones. I am unstable - smoking - eating a spoonful of crunchy peanut butter (just one, cannot swallow - thanks anxiety!). I need to end this post.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Where do I even start?
I just got back from San Antonio, Texas for a sweet business trip. Had my own hotel room and the opportunity to learn a lot, it was great. What I've always wanted.
D. and I ended up making it a "break". If break means talking every day all day. We haven't seen each other in over a week, since before my trip. He is making it pretty clear that he would like to see me. I am undecided. I am indifferent.
Things were messed up between us but the space hasn't exactly helped. I am open to seeing him but nervous that I'll mess up hardcore and hurt him.
I am doing ok. As ok as could be. Work is going well. Had fun in another state. I've kept the weight off, give or take a pound. Haven't weighed. Going to wait a couple weeks to weigh again, to make sure I'm maintaining.
I gave in and bought some pot. Blazing and being lazy tonight. Have a good one.