And what a time to be alive, during this global pandemic. Life is one big question mark. I was laid off over a month ago. I've been quarantined at my place in the city, just me and the cat. I don't work. I don't leave. I shower every other day. Twice a week I see my man.
Yes, that's right. I'm in a relationship. We met before Christmas and made it official in February. He has been a good support and we've been getting along (for the most part) through this madness. We chill at each other's places.. cooking/eating, fucking, smoking weed, playing cards. He's been a godsend actually.
I miss work so much. There is a chance I can get my gig back. I really want that opportunity. Not working every day has caused my sleep schedule and overall routine to shift. I've become a night owl, staying up past 2 each night.
My weight is down. I had set my goal weight at 135 and last time I weighed (yesterday or the day before) I was 136.
I'm getting older, you guys. I am aging. I see it in my face, and in my hair, and in my body. But it really beats the alternative.
Time is ticking by. My life, like so many, is on pause. And yet.. is it really? I am here, living my days out, quarantine style. Time hasn't stopped, but modern life and society sure has. I miss concerts and going to bars and restaurants and traveling on airplanes. Summer is coming, and what will I do? Work? Not work? Leave the house/attend outdoor events? Or no?
Nobody knows. It's so bizarre.
I'm struggling with anxiety and depression throughout this. Each day is different, some are good, some are bad. The good ones have me up and moving about, with energy, and a sense of purpose. The bad ones have me in my pjs all day, exhausted, barely eating or eating too much, smoking or being too tired to smoke, drinking or being too depressed to drink. Today was closer to the latter.
But I'm trying. I am getting shit done, paying bills, keeping this place in ok shape. Keeping food in the fridge and changing my sheets. Taking care of the cat and my plants.
Sometimes the darkness weighs down on me so profoundly. What s the point? Where's my money? (At the time of the post I have not received unemployment or the federal stimulus payment yet). Sometimes I look back and blame myself endlessly for mistakes I made previously. Sometimes I look forward and see a bleak outlook. Sometimes I look to the present moment and I'm so tightly wound that I can't stay mindful for longer than one second.
Navigating a relationship throughout all this, too, is a challenge. As longtime readers may recall, my relationship history isn't good. They've all been dysfunctional, damaging relationships, with no trust, too much fighting, and deep scars on both sides.
This man in my life.. we'll call him D. I like him. Our relationship so far has gone pretty well. We started off obviously going out a lot more than we currently are, due to the pandemic and everything shutting down. But we've had fun together! Both before and after everything changed.
Time will tell what happens next. For the record, I am happy with him and dutifully working through my insecurities. We talk pretty openly. I have lingering fears that stem from my ever-present anxiety and sometimes I'm so very worried and scared that I'll slip and fuck everything up. I have to evolve and grow past this otherwise I will never have what I want most.. real love.
Needless to say, he is good enough to make me want to be better. I am self soothing and learning to cope. It's not easy by any means, and the state of affairs including being laid off certainly presents an interesting chapter in my life.
This is longer than I thought. Hope you all stay safe.
Love,
Sar
