well hello

well hello

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Today was another fail. Not necessarily because of food, but because of me and how I act. I act like a punk who hates authority and doesn't give a shit. I don't seem to care that I am paying thousands of dollars for college...I don't seem to care about much.
Let's see. I care about my cat. I care that he doesn't die/starve.
God, I can't even go on with this. I feel sick inside. I just looked down at my sleeping cat next to me and felt so alone. Isn't that weird? At least I have some company now. I lived ALL alone from January to the end of August. Now this cat is my friend.
But I want a lover.
I do.

I stopped at T.'s randomly tonight. We text all the time, it is almost weird; we have been doing it since we met. Every day, all day, text, text, chit-chat, shoot the shit, whatever. We do it. I like it. I don't want to count on it. I don't want to need it. I don't want to need him. But him wanting/needing me might be okay. Wow listen to me, pathetic, to be needed by someone.
I don't. I just want a hug. I want a kiss. I want to hold a hand. A Connection. Electric. Chemistry. Touch/feel. Love/hate.

dream, Sar. don't give up.

I already have. I am trying to push him away by acting weird. I do this when I am scared.

he might like it.

He might not. He might hate it.





Why do I want to be saved?

What is the limit of my self-destruction?

I want answers. I am too afraid to get them. I am too afraid to be vulnerable.

Think thin./. Stay strong.



what if summer... said...

My general rule of thumb is not to sabotage a situation because of things that haven't even taken place yet. Also, it is bad to make new people in your life pay for the sins of those who have fucked you over in the past. Give T a chance if you are sincerely interested in him. If not, then at least you still have him as a friend.


Flushed said...

Just a little bit better is that much better Sar. Don't suck yourself into this negative spiral. Distract yourself with something, anything that makes you feel good and you won't regret when it's over.

Focus on what you want.
Don't let fear hinder you.


Stick Thin said...

Has he shown any intentions of being romantic? Are you guys good friends? I think you should let yourself be happy. Life is a journey and we have people around us to help us learn and gorw. Stay strong

Emi Jay said...

:( i have those same feeling though, I'm married... I just want him to want me, notice me, touch me.. something... my cat is the only one who sleeps with me at night sometimes while he is too busy being addicted to online video games until 3am...
I wish you well! :)