Today was another fail. Not necessarily because of food, but because of me and how I act. I act like a punk who hates authority and doesn't give a shit. I don't seem to care that I am paying thousands of dollars for college...I don't seem to care about much.
Let's see. I care about my cat. I care that he doesn't die/starve.
God, I can't even go on with this. I feel sick inside. I just looked down at my sleeping cat next to me and felt so alone. Isn't that weird? At least I have some company now. I lived ALL alone from January to the end of August. Now this cat is my friend.
But I want a lover.
I stopped at T.'s randomly tonight. We text all the time, it is almost weird; we have been doing it since we met. Every day, all day, text, text, chit-chat, shoot the shit, whatever. We do it. I like it. I don't want to count on it. I don't want to need it. I don't want to need him. But him wanting/needing me might be okay. Wow listen to me, pathetic, to be needed by someone.
I don't. I just want a hug. I want a kiss. I want to hold a hand. A Connection. Electric. Chemistry. Touch/feel. Love/hate.
dream, Sar. don't give up.
I already have. I am trying to push him away by acting weird. I do this when I am scared.
he might like it.
He might not. He might hate it.
Why do I want to be saved?
What is the limit of my self-destruction?
I want answers. I am too afraid to get them. I am too afraid to be vulnerable.
Think thin./. Stay strong.