well hello

well hello

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Missile proof.

I stayed up until the sun rose and then found sleep in my bright room, listening to my parents and brother getting ready for work. I read this blog, and the comments, starting with October and up until the fire. October was significant because it's when I removed myself from my depression/anxiety meds and also when I met T. I read those passages because I am on a path to self-awareness.

I honestly can't believe my readership has increased. My posts back then were so whiny, all about boys and drama, with a side of binge city. I would like to think I am better then that. I would like to think that all of the events, every little seemingly insignificant moment of the past six months, meant something to me therefore were worth writing about. My writing carries weight and importance. I write about what comes to my head, I am not sure if I get to decide what I write about, it just flows or it doesn't. It's genuine but rough; it's cracked because my brain writhes with split decision.

-24 hours later-

I went out last night. The plans were made in the middle of writing that ^ and I just bounced. I went to the city with B. (ex-bf) and got real drunk and we kissed.

Do I regret it? No. Am I turned on by him? No.

Therein lies the problem.

He is great. We dated for a reason before, he is smart and funny but talkative and uncouth. Last night he was charming and bought us drinks, late nights munchies, smoke, and a taxi ride home. And a bottle. We met up with a friend of his and it was a wild night. I was a hot mess. Wasted and awake and feeling no pain. Thanks vodka.

At the bar I was just reckless and accepted his kiss, a mouth-crushing, passionate make out for maybe a minute. Right in front of bar patrons and my friends...wonderful. I wonder about us. I think we are using each other for company. He knows all about T. With B. it's just..."comfortable" and I feel like my real self around him, like I can be as mellow as I want and it's fine. I like it, and he'll talk to fill the quiet. On the other hand I can be totally nuts and extreme or flirty and shameless, and again, it's cool, he'll go with it. Or pick a fight. That's the one thing. We can certainly argue though it hasn't happened lately.

My neck hurts from sitting so hunched over. I wish I wasn't such a computer geek- I could sit for hours on the internet, and I do! Do you? I love reading online and off. I just finished a novel about a girl from the east coast who leaves for California to start over. Los Angeles, to be exact.
I kind of want to do it.

In six months I will be graduating from college. I need to make a plan. It's just difficult because there is so much I have to do before then. I still need an apartment for my last semester. Fuckkk. Well, I'm working on that this week. For real. And then? Decision time.

I want to move and start over. I am scared of this but I kind of think I should go for it. More to come...

I have been popping Midol every day and my bloated stomach has decreased amazingly. I need to get some more exercise in. I'm too beat to blog, honestly.

Until next time,

Think thin(:

Think thin(:

Think thin(:

She is perfect, I love her body (and those shoes) 
I want 
to be on the beach!!

*Starve on to achieve her look^

The girl on the left is HOTter than the girl on the right.
But I think leftie's thighs are too big..


I love the gap between my thighs. I love my bones poking through my skin.
Thin is easy to get, you just have to be strong.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Dagger through the heart.

It's late. It's three-thirty in the morning and tears are quietly and painfully falling down my cheek. Remember T.? Some innocent texts tonight were exchanged between us. Jokes about work. Then my stupid self decides to joke about sex, saying I haven't gotten any...has he? His response, "no, hanging though." My response, "with *someone*?" His response, "yes". 
A girl he "just happened to meet."

I swallowed my heartbreak and sent him well wishes. I mean them. He deserves happiness.

So do I.

I wasn't even thinking of him. We were just casually joking around and I ruined it because curiosity always kills the cat and now look at me, sitting here, slovenly and pathetic.
God, why. Why am I so alone?

Why am I crying?

Oh, T. I really thought I was moving on so successfully. I've been trying. I pushed him to the back of my mind. Like that helps. I need to deal with these emotions head on. Time to delete his number from my cell. No point having it in there. No point at all...

Hello darkness my old friend.

I think I need a glass of wine.

It's almost four and sleep is foreign. Sleep scares me. I won't sleep now. Maybe later, once the sun rises, I'll try.

I wish you could see me. Hell, I just wish you were here. Anyone.
I am sitting on this hard, uncomfortable chair, hugging my legs, crying into the silence, wishing for a loving embrace that I won't get. Wishing for a life that isn't mine. Wishing for love and passion. The unthinkable. The pain, this pain starts in my chest and spreads down my arms, so they feel heavy and alien. My legs, these giant carcasses of ham sprawl out now, their ghastly whiteness makes me sick to my stomach. My stomach, so gross and full of partially digested food, lies dormant underneath my tshirt just waiting for my evil fingers to grab it and pinch the living shit out of my fat, FAT, FAT!

Can you make it better? Can you comment and tell me something like a joke or trivia or good lyrics or just anything really. Just a reminder that the world doesn't stop two inches in front of my face. It extends out, it's ineffable really, and it includes all of you plus so much more. I am a part of more than me. I am more than me. T. is one part of my life that is done. Our happy times will pale in comparison to happy times to come.


Who the fuck knows. Well, I'm just going to continue playing sad country songs on youtube while prolonging sleep. Maybe I'll stay up all night. Maybe I won't. All I know is that I'm sad right now. I am sick of being alone. Don't I deserve love? Aren't I ready for a relationship? Shit, I don't even have a job right now. I am a broke ass bitch. I hate me tonight.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The Waves.

I have some mad good cooking skillz. Just saying. I prepared tofu for the first time tonight, and I loved it. I pan-fried it with a littttle olive oil and water, with many veggies. Then I added teriyaki sauce and crushed ginger and black pepper. I could have used a little more spice, honestly, but my bowl was so hot and fresh and I didn't have the strength to walk away from it in search of more flavor. Because the flavor was damn good. Wow. I can cook.

Don't gag. Not all food will kill you. Or maybe it will, I'm no expert on mortality. I hate food yes, but when I take charge and prepare myself a vegan dinner I just feel better about life.
Or, I would be feeling better about life IF I didn't eat candy after my lovely dinner.
I've almost accepted the fact that this past week has been an epic fail for food. The week before my period always fucks with me.

I'm stuffed now, positively full and furious with myself, now, that I think of my mistakes over the week. It all started with last Friday. But it's over, Wednesday is over and today is now Thursday. A new day, a new chance to start fresh. I will do better today.

I mean, all I had aside from the nasty candy and good stirfry (dinner) was 1 slice of reheated pizza and a salad (lunch) and an apple (for breakfast).

Not terrible for *the day*.

Oops just remembered I got a (non-fat, not like that means much at this point) smoothie at the mall. I shopped a little. It is nice to buy some new clothes. The fire gave me a reason to recreate my style. I dress classy/sexy/comfy (not all at one time). I like clothes and accessories, but for some reason I hate shoe shopping. Maybe because you need a freakin' sock and a bench. I get paranoid about leaving my purse on the floor. I hate strangers watching me try on shoes. I hate finding my size amongst the boxes. I am annoyed by the tissue and plastic in every box. I just don't even know what shoes look good on me. Luckily it's summer so I'll just wear flip flops...for now.
And then I'll get some boots (2 or 3 pairs I hope) and sneakers.

But yeah, I'll wait awhile to do that...because shoe shopping bites.

I'm going to finish this pipe of maryjane and watch Glee.

Love to you, love to me.

Think thin!!!


I love her collarbone and chest area. So bony, so beautiful. 

Nice, summery dress too! Get any new, cute summer clothes?


                                                    Think thin**

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Need fiber.

There is one delicacy that I can very rarely pass up: pizza. I have deprived myself for months (none for me). Tonight my parents ordered pizza with mushrooms, peppers, and onions. I ate one piece. Then another. After a third slice my stomach was so full and bloated I just wanted to puke but I had to keep a smiling face for the 'rents because they were in and out of my room, installing an air conditioner. I am looking fat and the scale was at 131.5 last time I checked, which was a couple hours ago. Really, scale?!?

Really, Sar?!

Pizza was dinner. Lunch was 1 slice whole wheat bread with a 1/2 teaspoon of organic peanut butter and a 1/2 teaspoon of real fruit preserves. Breakfast was a bowl of cereal with almond milk. I am *guessing* my total calorie count is about 1300.

That is assuming highly.

I don't care at this point, Tuesday is officially over...I am just pissed I reached for that third slice. It didn't even taste as good because of the panic in my head. I was moving on autopilot and having a pleasant conversation (for once!) with my folks and I overstepped my limits by a mile.

My friend wants to go to the beach tomorrow. I am not interested/bikini ready. I'll just pull the flake act and ignore her, because I'm totally heartless right now.

My hair looks cute...it is getting long finally! I chopped 9 inches almost two years ago and it has not been the same since. It is much healthier but I just wanted the length back the second it was gone. I am too shy to have my face and neck exposed for the world to see. I like my hair, my cape and safety shield. Needless to say, I am pleased that it's getting long again. It is a nice color, too. Years of dyeing it stripped away any clue of mine as to what color it is naturally. Right now it is a mocha brunette with champagne highlights from and in the sun. I like it :)

Well I guess this is just a bingy freaking time AND I'm about to get my period. I just went to the kitchen and grabbed a large glass of chocolate soymilk and a yogurt and granola bar. I blame the damn white flour I ate today. I need whole grains and fiber. I need midol.
I'll get some tomorrow. It's my one trick. Midol to reduce bloat ONLY around period time.

Gotta go, sexy ;)

Thanks for the comments. Your support means the world to me. THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!

Keep the peace, and think thin.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Uneven breathing.

Today has been dull and I am sinking softly back to my depression. "Resting" in bed off and on all day doesn't make time go any faster. And why should I want to speed up time? I am petrified of my unknown future and too lazy to live fully in the present.
In the back of my mind there are things. Things I could do, would like to do...things like go shopping, or eat something dangerous (for the filling factor), or wash my car, or walk down the street, or blog. Those are just what I thought of today. Other days bring differences in taste. Lately though, I've been so lazy. I don't know if it's because I am back at my parent's house and my bed is comfortable, or because school completely burned me out and it will take weeks to recover, or maybe I am just stupid.

Yeah, that makes the most sense.
Because if I were smart I would get shit done.

I just figured it out. You know what I do? I text boys. I am so lonely and I just want to reach out to someone but not just anyone - he has to have *the connection* with me that I so crave.
N. C. B. G. T.

^ 5 boyz

None of them love me. Who loves me? No one, it feels like. I have been fighting with my mother and ignoring my father and siblings. I am closed off and cold. I am alone. I want to feel love. I want to be in LOVE.

And yet, here I sit, single and smoking a bowl. Like usual. When will I finally have the balls to change my habits? Right now I don't even have a job. I left my job in College Town and hopefully can get it back (when I go back for my final semester!).
I came home to a dysfunctional family and horrible flashbacks of the fire.

I don't even know what the fuck to write about. I am totally and completely uninspired and anxiety-ridden. I need to talk to my counselor but it's not possible and I'm going sorta crazy and I haven't exercised at all. I am a lazy fat fuck who will end up more alone than I am now if I don't get my act together.

It gives me a headache, thinking of such things. I hate it. I hate me.

The truth is that I've turned into a snob.

There, I said it. I'm a snobby girl. (You're probably like, duh, knew that)
I constantly have this need to be right. I voice my opinions when it is not necessary. I am crude and rude in public. I act like I am better than others (even though I DO know that I'm not, I just act as if). I THINK evil, criticizing thoughts about others. I tell myself that I am the prettiest and that others are intimidated.

I am a stuck-up fucking snob and this is sort of a revelation for me. But now that I know this, what do I do with it?

Try and change? Change is hard as hell and I suck at adapting to it.
Devote my life to God?

I don't have a clue, really, about anything these days. My non-committal approach is getting old and I'm sick of acting like a know-it-all when I have no fucking idea what's going on.

**A minute later...

I feel the heaviness in my chest; it hurts. It feels like a heart attack. I am way too lonely and I think I am the one making it this way. I push people away all the time. I am close when it is convenient for me. I am a conniving and selfish twenty-three year old typical type-A American. I hate myself.

I miss yoga. And reading for pleasure on a hammock. Where is our hammock? I miss it.
I miss smoking in K's old apartment, before it burned down. Ohmygosh I miss her. Lucky, she's headed to NYC with some dollars and dreams.

I miss laying in T.'s bed while he held me so close. I could feel his burning desire through his fingers and eyes. I miss letting him in a little. I miss trust. I miss youth.

I miss you.
and my dead relatives.

I miss life before death.

^ (do you know what I mean by that?) ^

Let me hit this pipe so I can change the subject again:
Time for thin thinkin' ...

... or it would be, but C. just texted me, and I am so over it. He's lame. (There goes me critically picking apart another) But really, our little story is not even worth mentioning. He wants to hang, I don't. Done.

Why are guys so confusing? Do I stand no chance of understanding?

This post needs to end, this is a little ridiculous and really I'm just mad. I am annoyed with myself and my world and pissed that I can't be more grateful and appreciative of all that I have.

No one is perfect, sure. I am so far from it though. It makes me sick right now. My fat stomach is sick.
Speaking of fat, I might as well embarrass myself a tad more.

Monday, May 24.
Breakfast: Fiber 1 yogurt (50 cal). slice of Mom's pumpkin bread (150). banana (50).
Lunch: Amy's veggie and brown rice bowl (260). 2 cookies (120).
Dinner: Bean & cheese burrito (420 cal) salad with balsamic vinegar (100). 1 cookie (60)

Total- 1210

Wayy less than I thought. No wonder I'm so moody. My body is starvinggg!!!

[why does this make me happy?]

I just a five minute break from this blog. I sat on the floor and made plans with my girl Y. About an hour from now, at quarter to two in the morning, we're going to meet up and blaze with Bob Marley.
And it's not like I need to be up early for any reason in particular.

I just need a breather. Being home is suffocating.

I have a headache, I want food, no I don't, I never want food.

~*Think thin*~

Sunday, May 23, 2010


It's after midnight and I'm contemplative and restless. I want to shower, have a smoke, clean a little, go somewhere; I want to do everything but only half-heartedly. I lack the gusto, I suppose, to really make the move tonight.
Must be all that dancing. I happily danced my ass off last night. I did eat though. I was trapped; I arrived at my friend's place and first we smoked a blunt, which was fine...but then everyone started talking excitedly about dinner and grilling and I felt sick inside. I knew I had to eat at least one thing. I told myself that would be okay, because all I had up to that point was the other half of the cinnamon roll (nasty-sugary-fatty) and 1 1/2 slices of toast. 
So I ate a grilled "tofurkey" "sausage", whatever the fuck that is. Actually it was okay, I did NOT see the nutritional facts unfortunately but I'm sure a quick net browse will solve that. I ate it on a (white) hot dog bun, with mustard and some grilled onions and peppers. *Sighs*
I was the skinniest girl there, but definitely one of the tallest. I always feel big. Am I though? Fuck if I know, my distortion is extremely skewed. Not just my perception of myself but my perception of others is off-kilter. I at least know, though. I am not in denial.

Anyway. Later last night once we were home from the concert, which was awesome, by the way, I SPLURGED and ate 2 slices of oven-cooked cheese pizza (guessing 700 calories) and some gummy rings. 
Yes I'm a pig. I know this. I hate myself for reaching for the second slice. K. urged me to...I am so fucking fed up with people trying to get me to eat. 

I guess I'll comfort myself with the fact that if I was overweight, no one would be offering me food. Well maybe someone, some perverted fuck like me who likes to watch fat people eat. It always succeeds in making me eat a little less...ha.  And last night I watched a couple of the girls I was hanging with shovel down pints of Ben and Jerry's (not that I haven't done it, but after all that drinking? no thanks) PLUS the pizza..

Disgust. I really need a shower.

It's time to get honest about today:
Breakfast - Tim Horton's black coffee and donut.
Lunch - Baked potato with salsa/cheese, salad, some fruit/trail mix.
Snack- More gummy candy. More licorice.
Dinner - Pan-fried potatoes and onions (sauteed in olive oil, at least - my bro made it)

And luckily that day is officially over and I am full. I ate too much, way too much today. In my (tiny) defense, my body craved nutrients after a night of drinking (beer and wine, more calories there- wonderful).

But still, candy, a donut, and something fried ALL in ONE day??
That is ridiculous. Positively mad. I am an alien.

I am out of control, or maybe not. Maybe I am really IN control but I just don't know it.
I got my tarot cards read last night.

Interesting...they basically "said" (according to the girl that read them) that I "withhold" a lot (yes) and that I struggle with being "fair". I don't know. Maybe it's a crock.

I could relate to it though. The whole thing about being fair could have to do with my eating habits. I try to be fair to my body, by not eliminating nutrients completely, by resting it, by keeping clean and somewhat healthy, etc...but I also need to be fair to the skinny goddess inside.

It's a constant conflict and I'm stuck in the middle.

I need to rest my eyes (see, there's me being fair again).

Think thin.

Do NOT add to the obesity epidemic. It is seriously out of control here. I hate it. It's not exactly rocket science (staying in shape) so why can't people NOT weigh over 200 pounds? What. The. Fuck.

I'm sorry but that's just gross. I've said it before and I'll say it again: don't be fat. Be thin. Be the skinniest in the room. Be thinspirational. Be lovely. Be you, just the best you.

I'll be me, only the skinniest me possible. Because it's fun to be thin. I saw some super skinny girls at the bar last night (it's weird how there is skinny, skinnier, the skinniest) and I stared with envy, unashamed, because they were gorgeous. Guys want to hug and touch them. Scratch that, everyone wants to touch them, because skinny is cute and hot and small and touchable. It is ideal to be thin in our faceless world.

Friday, May 21, 2010

I'm sick.

I just binged on a can of refried beans (ate with tortilla chips, salsa, cheese, tomatoes, and lettuce). Then I made a taco. Then I purged. This is after I also binged on some licorice and half a cinnamon roll. There is no way I got it all. I know because I stopped myself. I was in there for like 40 minutes but it just takes me so damn long. Because it's two in the morning and I was trying to be quiet and my parent's house is silent and I could just picture my mom waking to me retching and knocking on the door to see if I'm ok. I'm not. Obviously. I am fucked in the head.

I hate binging but I hate purging even more. I feel bloated and disgusting still. I am sure I got maybe a quarter of it out, but that's nothing. Not a thing.

What a fuck-up, whatta failure.

I want to puke my brains out. It's all still there, I know it. I just want to puke and puke until there is nothing left. Only air. Why did I eat? I was doing so damn good today.

I guess it's because I went to the store tonight, and there were so many overweight people. I mean seriously. To see someone skinny is to see a miracle. So maybe I wanted to feel "normal" - whatever that is. Maybe I wanted to see how much food I could choke down tonight, because I know I won't be eating tomorrow before, during, or after the concert I am going to. Maybe I am just selfish and ridiculous.

What a day. I had been starving and daydreaming about food for hours, and then broke down. I blame my parents. They are both overweight and I feel so damn skinny next to them, like that makes it ok to eat. It fucking doesn't. I need to grow up.

I need to think thinner.

I don't dare check the scale until tomorrow.

Lots of water tonight, and maybe a little sleep.
At least I know I won't be able to stomach anything tomorrow.
God, I'm so pathetic right now.
I just want to be thinner. I just want to be strong.

Peace : /


think thin!!!
*everything is fine as long as I'm getting thinner*

I love her arms.

And thighs.

Mine will be smaller though.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Fast as you can.

I'm sick of my Mom giving me dirty looks just because I'm skinny. I'm tired of her asking me to eat, or what I ate, or if I want pie, etc. I'll eat if and when I want to, damnit.
Sorry you're fat. Sorry you don't know how to eat healthy. Sorry I have more control than you. Thanks for the freaking hips and boobs, Mother darling. Thanks for the sweet tooth.

I defy it, though.

So far today I've had one Tim Hortons iced cappucinno.
No food.

Can I keep going?

I'm thinking yeah, I can.
Think thin**


I see two packed bowls and a glass of wine (my third) on the table in front of me where my computer sits. I am thinking of you and him. I am slightly buzzed and feeling especially pro-ana at the moment. I hate food. Food will not solve your problems, even if you are a starving child, because honestly, food does nothing but *sometimes* nourish. It mostly contributes to belly fat and other fats on and around your body; those evil fats squeeze the life out of your organs. Food will not guarantee happiness or wealth or health, or even shelter. I need water more than I need food.

I sometimes tilt my neck when I type. It is slow-go, and then I notice it because it feels like I'm falling. I'm so confused.

I read "Dear John" by Nicholas Sparks today...what an amazing story. It made me cry. It was beautiful. Blah blah blah like you give a shit about this book. Either way, it was a speed-read and I liked it. So read it.
I haven't seen the movie, is it good?

Ahhhhh boys make me drool. I mean I turn into a blustering blubbering idiot whenever I meet one. I mean I suck at life. I mean C. is cute but so out there, what the hell, I thought I was?

OK. New focus. P.D. if you're reading, I am worried about you, hun.



I need a life.


Restriction is necessary. Let your stomach grumble. When mine does I tell it to shut up. 
I hate food. Don't you? I live in America, and I must say, we can eat. There is food everywhere, in every little space. Because food is gold here in the states, but not to those who are super-strong. Like me. I don't touch that fried-shit. Ever.

Veggies and fruit and water, oh my!
Starve and restrict, they'll bring great joy!
No food no food no food no food
Thin brings peace and skinny is sexy.

Wow, I'm lame. My lameness exudes me. I need a cigarette. I also need friends (apparently, because I treat blogging as if it's a funny email to a friend-wow *rolls eyes*) because I have none. I am that girl who chills with her ex-boyfriends. Tomorrow B. and I are going to College Town to pick up some shit and also to spend some time together, even though we hung two nights in a row (monday and tuesday). Idk. 

I just want to be thinner. The scale here is awesome and inspiring; it's digital but I am unsure if it's accurate. Is there a way to check??

It says I am 127.5 :)
Maybe I am.

Or maybe it's off and since I'm paranoid anyway I'll assume that to be the case. Wow, what a mindfuck. I just want to know for sure how much I freaking weigh. Is that too much to ask? I think not.

I hate food. food is bad..

Last night I fell asleep chanting this:
food is bad. food is bad. food is bad. food is bad. food is bad.

And it is!

Think thin. Always.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Your song.

I am home at my parent's house finally. I am basically done with school. Only one yoga take-home exam stands in my way of delicious summer freedom. It's bullshit really, but tomorrow I plan to make the drive back to college town to return a text to my professor and also to sit in the library and pound that shit out.

I am sipping wine, some tasty merlot. I have plans to smoke a bowl (by myself) shortly, after I throw my laundry in the dryer. Yes, I still smoke pot everyday, there's really no giving that up at this point. I do need to find a part-time summer job but it'll preferably be one where I am not drug-tested.

I am feeling lonely, surprise, surprise. I miss T. (in a weird, vague way- we just sorta got to know each other and there was a decent spark-that is what I miss, not him so much). I miss my ex-boyfriend B. He is boning some chick probably as we speak. I miss myself, my youth, my innocence.

Being a "fire victim" sucks because I never want anyone to forget. Isn't that immature? Do I want special treatment? I suppose that yes, I really do. I want to be taken care of and loved and liked. I want people to know for sure that I have lived through some shit. I want my experiences to show in my face; I want my newfound wisdom to sparkle in my eyes.

I met another guy, I'll call this one C.

C. and I hiked (lol) in the woods yesterday, until we came to a beautiful waterfall. We stood knee-deep in the water. We gazed into each other's eyes for a minute, he asked me what color I thought mine were. I said, "green? yellow? hazel?" He said they were pretty :)

He should talk, his gorgeous blue eyes (the BLUE EYES WILL KILL ME! I AM SUCH A SUCKER FOR BABY BLUES) were locked on mine and he tried to kiss me. He put his hand on my back and tried to draw me in. I turned away and changed the subject to meditation. Anything to take the focus off me.

Then we basically scaled the freakin' mountain (keep in mind, I smoke, I was dying) until we reached the spot he wanted us to be at. It was gorgeous but terrifying...we were so high up, and the cliff's edge was so close, and then we smoked a joint (that he rolled! my kind of guy!). And then he went in for the kiss AGAIN. and readers, guess what I did? I turned away from him...like a little baby.

I am so scared. I am scared to get to know someone new. I am scared of the future, present, past. I am scared of food and what it makes my body look like. I am scared of driving and snakes and fish and worms and flying and tons of other things.

I like C. He is cute and nice and funny and in good shape. He runs. His mom is dead and I am assuming he has major issues with that. I do not want to take on someone else's issues, I have plenty of my own.

I just realized how revealing I really am with my writing. I tell you everything that comes to mind. I tell you things that I don't tell others. I like it like this, you are my personal confidant, my trusted counselor who never preaches but sometimes comments. I am not alone because I have you.

Breakfast- orange
Lunch- some chips and salsa, two pieces of whole wheat toast (one with butter/garlic salt/basil, the other with a slice of cheese)
Dinner- salad, 3 stuffed shells, 1 slice garlic toast
Dessert- 3 cookies, spoonful of cherry pie

and now, wine.

I disgust myself. That is just too many carbs today but LUCKILY some of them were AT LEAST made with whole wheat. I despise white bread/pasta/etc. The shells were a mistake, but it made my mom happy.

The things I freakin' do.

Wow, looking back on my list of today's food really makes me sick. I hate how gluttonous I become at home. I hate how this weekend has had lots of binging, but thankfully some exercise to counteract it all. The hiking yesterday, the moving of my belongings from college town to home, laundry. I will do anything to burn calories.

I gotta watch it though, I am always preaching to my parents about food and health and what they (we) should and should not eat. I feel bad, but they are getting older and they are both out of shape and they really need to know these things. They need to know what I know.

I must breathe. I can only be responsible for myself. I am me, no more, no less.

Think thin, lovelies. Thanks for reading, if you've never commented, YOU SHOULD! lolz no really, it would be great. I am very curious about who reads this blog. I am curious about your (general) whereabouts, age, sex, etc.  So let me know (if ya want).

In the meantime, let's all work on making this world a more peaceful place.

Stay strong. Resist fatty foods always. Think thin. Be thin. Live thin.

Saturday, May 15, 2010


Last night my skinny roommate passed out in my arms outside of our friend's apartment. Up on a balcony. It was the scariest thing that's happened to me in awhile, and it didn't even happen to me. She doesn't eat. She smokes a ton of cigarettes and takes prescribed pills everyday. I am so worried about her. I also think she purges. Not much of binger though, or seemingly not. Last night after she passed out, she was positively loopy, saying abstract things, like, "sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't". She knew that I knew what she was saying. Pro-ana and mia behaviors are not something to mess with, but once you're as far gone as she is...

I am scared and sad for her. She is such a sweetheart. She is 3 years younger than me and I feel so protective of her, and yet, it's not like I encouraged her to eat last night after all this shit went down. I just suggested sleep.

And then I went to McDonalds...and binged. I thought this would be okay because I weighed in at 125 yesterday. It is not okay.

I'm sorry :(

It was horrible and I didn't know what to do with myself and she was sleeping so I wanted to sneak food, because I hate eating in front of her because she's so damn skinny, god damnit, I give up...no, I don't, I won't.

2 McDonalds chocolate pies (they were 2/$1...wtf-the cheap-ass in me wanted my pie for fifty cents but should have thrown the other one out the window, oh I do regret not doing so).
McDonalds fruit and walnut (random, but they are good-and I wanted some fiber)

Wendy's small french fries with ketchup.

Tim Horton's donut.

Dunkin' Donuts bagel twist.

OHMYGOD. Fat. Fuck. Carb cravings were out of control last night.

Total amount of calories in my feast? I calculated last night...1570.
1570 in one sitting, what the hell is wrong with me?

I am fucked up, but not as fucked up as my roommate. I am supposed to move home today. I am scared to leave this girl.

Because of last night's disgusting binge I will starve today. I don't even like fast food...why did I spend all that money last night? Why? I thought I was past this binging shit. I thought I was better then that. I guess not. I'm just weak, like you. I hate myself.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I hate eating.

Good morning....I came to my parent's house last night and promptly proceeded to binge. My GOD they just ALWAYS have sweets here...I had brownies and some ice cream with chocolate syrup, fuck!fuck!fuck! I also snacked on tortilla chips and hummus, 2 apples, yogurt....and that's ON TOP of the salad and cauliflower I had for dinner. Why can't I starve when I'm here? Let's think about it....home reminds me of being young. When I was young I could eat this shit without puffing out like a pigeon. I am no longer young, THEREFORE, I should NEVER eat the INSANE amount of junk food that tempts me as soon as I step foot in this door.


In other news, I did eventually finish those papers....they are suckish, but complete. I had an exam yesterday, I have one today, and one tomorrow, and then a take home exam. Lorddd I just want to be done. All in good time.

So. It's early and I need to drive back to college town to do SOME sort of studying for this exam...it's at 1:30 and yes, I am scared shitless because it's for philosophy, and we all know I SUCK at philosophy. I'd like to tell ya'll about something. But there really is no dang time right now. I despise spending my time in ways in which I do not control.

Do I feel fat today? Yes and no. It could be worse, oh yes, it could always be worse. But luckily I've been sort of starving the past few days, so I think last night's catastrophe left minimal damage. Hell, maybe it'll help push shit along, if you catch my drift.

Wow. I'm tired. I don't want to take this stupid exam. I want summer. It's not even warm out!

I want to be thinner.
Yesterday when I got here I weighed myself on my parent's scale. It is digital and it said 128. I do not trust it. I do not believe it to be accurate. So I will pretend I weigh 130 still and keep ON PUSHING to be thinner!!!

Think thin, all!!

Love ya <3


Sunday, May 9, 2010


Sitting in a grocery store parking lot wolfing down a pint of ice cream is a new low for me.

I'm back at the library, but damn I just ate 3/4 of a pint of Dove chocolate cherry ice cream. 270 calories per serving. I ate 3 servings....resulting in me being a fat ass.


It is taking everything inside of  me to NOT go purge Right.Now.

No, but I won't. I'm real but not that real. I gotta write this paper. The half of adderall I just popped should hopefully help.

Wish me luck.

Sorry for binging, ya'll. I'm hopeless this weekend.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Doing the wrong thing.

I just smoked finally, but I haven't even left the house yet. It's nine at night. What a chillllllll Saturday. I showered, at least - feels good to be clean even though I'm fat.
I could rent a movie.

Hell no. I deserve no such pleasure. I have a paper to write, that was due Friday.

Slacker Sar.

I sent T. a "final" message, saying that I really cared and some other mumbo-jumbo, probably should have proof-read it a little, but it's sent, regardless. I do care about him, and hope he does well in life. If only he were right for me. If only I could be okay with being alone. If only I were strong enough.

I can't wait to move home. I miss having my own spot. It's tough sharing a room. Roomie is great (thinspo), but I like my space and solitude.

What a contradiction of thoughts: one second I hate being alone, the next I don't?

Freak. Of. Nature.

My posts have been so blah. College is sucking the life out of me. I'm letting it though, because I won't take responsibility for myself and my life. Ha, wow, whatever. I am sick of justifying shit. I'm going to let it all hang out.

I binged yesterday. On licorice bites, just about a whole BAG. What the fuck, 1500 calories for the entire bag, I left maybe 8 at the bottom. I saved 500 calories worth for this afternoon when I finished them and chowed down on 960 calories last night!!!
Seriously, plus crackers with cheap, full-fat peanut butter and microwaved popcorn. What the hell??!!
I do hate binges. I am pretty disgusted with myself. I'm just bummed about T. and college and want to eat away the emptiness that resides within.

It never works though, binges don't work at all because not only do the bad feelings stay but new, more negative ones are formed and they are worse! Because there is NOTHING WORSE than feeling fat, and that is how I've felt all day.
Damn you food, I despise thee.

I've a headache.

I don't even know what to do with myself. I slept a lot of this day. Other times, I snacked on the above mentioned evil items. Yet all I wish to do is eat and sleep or just disappear, really.

I hate it all right now.

Maybe this post has gotten progressively sadder, and maybe I really really care what you think.
Maybe I'm wondering if you've even gotten this far down.

Perhaps you'll only skimmed my sometimes carefully-chosen words for pro-ana tips, maybe not though. Who needs tips anyways, it's a fucking mindset.
One I currently am struggling with. My insatiable brain craves nourishment. My disgusting stomach is taunting me with it's jiggleness. I am sickened and my head pounds and I'm so cold, and T. has not responded, and even if he does I cannot respond back, and it sucks. Maybe I should not have sent him that, maybe you don't care at all about this drama, maybe I shouldn't either, but if not that then what?
What DO I care about?
Myself? Surely not, how about my body? Well there's an idea. I care about my weight and how I look naked and clothed. I care that I am able to feel my hips- that is imperative. I must be able to feel them sitting and standing and through clothes and laying down and naked.

I am lonely and scared. I don't want to do anything but hide under the covers. What the hell is going on? Seriously, I must really be having a down day. I don't like it. I refuse to feel so depressed. It's what could happen though, a real possibility.

I need some ideas. What can I do with my time?
Oh yeah, study/write paper that was due yesterday. Shit.

Well...besides that. I want to do the wrong thing, damnit.

What's with me?

**[think thin]**

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Exhausted and oh-so hyper!

I'm in the library at quarter to midnight. I just finished the religion paper that was due this morning, haha, and hopefully my instructor will not take off points for my lateness. It's only a day, and I talked to him, and emailed him. So he knows what's up. And my paper kicks serious ass.

However I must write another. This one is due tomorrow at 11 AM. The chances of me turning it in then are slim to none. I am hyped up but exhausted. This next paper is for Philosophy, which is fucking hard all around. Sigh. I wish I didn't have to, but you know how I feel about wishes. They don't mean shit!

I am just here taking a little break. I can't believe all of this, I really can't. School stresses me out. Once this next paper is done, I have to write ANOTHER paper for Yoga, of all things. My God. And then three exams over three consecutive days. AND THEN FREEDOM!!!!!!!
aka Summer...for about two weeks....

and then....SUMMER SCHOOL. I am taking an online literature class. and then, once that is successfully completed, I will enjoy about a month of Summer/Freedom. and then, I must find an apartment for my LAST semester of college. Yep, that's right. Graduation looms on the horizon. So, everything I just listed, and then, the Fall semester, and then I am officially an adult in the *real world*.

Yeah I'm fucking scared.

So. Much. Work.


It is exhausting to think about it all, so I will now focus on the task at hand: my next 8 page paper. What the fuck. Whatthefuckwhatthefuck, fuckshitasscunt. hguehgjkesdfkls hfkj

Ok. So, I am feeling thin today, yay!

I love standing in front of the mirror, turning sideways, and feeling good about myself. Sometimes, on a particularly good day, I actually stick my stomach out! Just to see how far it doesn't go. Haha I bet you do it too....

Well, I'll leave you with that lovely image. Sorry I haven't posted any thinspo lately. The fire took away my computer with my thinspo folder, and I literally have had no time to browse the web for more. Post some for me!!!

I love you allllllllll!

And if you're in college, good luck with finals! I know they might just kill us, but let's not let them do that. Let's CONQUER college and VANQUISH the stress!!!!!!

Think thin!!!

Nothing tastes as good as thin feels............

SO true.. I live by that ^

New weight and No sleep.

It's three fucking AM and I have class at eight. I am two and one half pages into an eight page paper. I have not slept. I am drinking diet pepsi. I hate school and my neck is strained and the library is closed and all I want is to be done!

Soon, so soon. I'm hungry, damnit. Stupid food. Thankfully, there is really nothing here. Maybe I'll have a snack in an hour or so, God knows I need to keep my energy up. I am writing about Zoroastrianism...ever hear of it? Probably not. I didn't until yesterday. And now here I sit, it's so late, wah. I don't wanna.

But I shall press on. Why? Why the fuck not? I just want to get this handed in, I don't want to worry about it tomorrow. I don't want to ask for an extension. I'll just stay up and finish it, shower, and go to class exhausted. I'll sleep when I get home and then it'll be time to do it again, because I have another paper due tomorrow. Fuck.

Oh T.

He just texted me something to make me laugh. SIGH. Why is he so awesome?/ <3

I mean, why does he suck so bad?

I mean, why aren't we together right this minute?

I mean, I mean....

Must. Finish. Paper.

Must. Finish. Paper.


Ok, enough distracting myself. It is now quarter after three. I'm going to pee and then step outside for a smoke and THEN I'm going to come back in and finish this damn paper (if it kills me!)

A plan. Deep Breath. A plan. I have a plan.

I love you guys.

I hope you're thinking thin....

I know I am.

I want to be thin and pretty. So I will. How about you?

Oh, P.S. I weighed myself at my parent's house over the weekend......127 : )

Nice. Verrrryyyyy nice.

Let's hope it keeps getting lower.........

Sunday, May 2, 2010


Hello world. Last night I tripped on LSD and oh what a joyride that was! It's been a good weekend, with eating as well, but now it is Sunday and I work tonight and tomorrow starts my last week of classes. My life is about to be hell but I can do it, right?? I certainly hope so, I am going a little crazy envisioning all of the work I have to do and all of the papers I have to write and all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and hide but I won't.

Oh, and I think I am over T. He really just pisses me off. Yes, he is hot and tall and funny blahblah. But his personal responsibility and maturity levels are way lower than mine, and I can't stand that about him. He is not the one for me and accepting that really blows.

I wonder if the distance between us over the summer will help us be friends, because I would not call him a friend now. We didn't hang at all this weekend, the BIG party weekend here in College Town...I am surprised. Maybe he thought if we got drunk together I would hit on him or something. Or maybe he didn't think of me at all...that is more likely the case. Anyway, he drives me nuts and I just like the distraction but I really need to NOT distract myself. I need to get shit done.

I need to starve. I want to know how much I weigh, damnit!!!!!

I ate some peanut butter on crackers this morning, with orange juice to wash it down. I am actually stuffed...so hopefully nothing else for the day/night. I am liking my legs again. I was surprised on Friday night, when I was sitting on a stoop, and my bare legs barely touched together, only at the knees. It was a good surprise. I kept staring down like, really?? Sweet!!! Now if only they were like that when I sat on a chair and stood up. But it's a start.

I spent a lot of money this weekend, on drugs and booze and cigarettes. I need to not do that. But it's a good reason to not buy food for the next two weeks, until I'm home. I mean, I'm sure I'll eat, maybe a lot, but maybe not. Because I don't want to. I want to shock people with my thinness. I love being the thinnest girl in the room, which I was, last night, at one point.

A minute or two later...

And yet, here I sit, wishing like crazy that T. loved me. God damn it all, why am I like this? I am trying to make up my mind, but my phone is sitting here like the evil demon that it is, and all I want to do is text him and call him and send him pic messages. I'm so fucking stupid sometimes. Why does he have this effect on me?? WHY GODDAMNIT WHY WHY WHY????

I want to be able to say that my head is clear. I desire a clear head.

It's just not though, it's muffled and crowded with choking thoughts.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I've been drinking and thinking!


Where are you? Why is your phone off? Why oh why am I so crazy about you?


I mean, I'm obsessed..

Come to me. Please.

Or, can I come to you??

Yes I am drunk.
Yes I am high.

Yes I love you
I mean I hate you

I mean where the fuck are you I want to see you I crave your presence I crave you I need you kinda I mean you are not my priority but please please just love me>

Godammit it alllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love "whipping post" by the allman brothers band.

I studied for that test and I think I did ok!

I am so sad and lonely and needy and I need you and I need you and I need you and I need T and I need T and I want T and T please, just come to me, call me, text me, comehere please just cometome I can't stand it anymore I need you.

God, I hate this. It is after two in the morning and I am drunk and I want him and his phone is off and I hate myself for being so crazy and now I just texted two friends of his looking for him/asking about him.

Ughhhh I hate me

and I hate food

and I want to be thinner,

so  I WILL

I WILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

think thin <3