Going back to work after a long holiday weekend is never easy, but today I am content knowing that instead of eating like a fat pig (like my family members), I was strong, disciplined and my hard work payed the fuck off...because I'm down another pound.
I have officially lost an inch around my waist. 29 inches baby. Is that too big for someone who is 5 foot 8? Inquiring minds would like to know..
I'll admit: I'm thin. I look alright. Right now I'm shaking from hunger and too much coffee. I guess I'll just continue to starve myself because it gets me high. I (obviously) enjoy escaping from reality.
It's Monday and a short work week, thankfully. It's going to be crazy. We have out of town relatives coming in and drama galore! I'm already mentally preparing for the sheer amount of food that will be available. I refuse to let Thanksgiving wreck my body. I'm disciplined. For the most part :)
Somehow my life has slid out of control. I don't recognize myself. I have become the worst part of me.
I am so unbelievably addicted to smoking weed. Just weed, most say...it's all good. But it's not good at all actually. I smoke when I wake up, before work. I smoke when I get out of work. I am subdued and moody in between these two daily sessions. I'm scared.
And I'm smoking right now. My habit is not cute and I'm scared that I'm always going to choose to be alone with my weed and eating disorder. When did it get this bad?
It's been building up for years. I woke up today with anxiety. I remembered that at one time I wanted to be a model. 6-7 years ago. I even went to casting calls. With my mom. I had the clearest image in my mind this morning of my mom and I sitting in a waiting room in some fancy corporate setting, watching the movie they played, not knowing what to expect. What I didn't realize is that I was at a crossroads.
Around the same time, I met my ex and fell in "love". We moved in together and brought each other down...the experience completely depleted any plans of mine to do something great while I was still young and hot.
I'm recalling this and thinking about the choice I made and feeling...not regret, just a deep sadness and sorrow for what could have been. I could have been better, done better...but I chose to pursue a chance at love.
It didn't work though! Moving in with him was most likely the biggest mistake I've made to date. And I'll always know why I did it. The real reason...I needed to get out.
It's something I'm still dealing with, because I'm back here, living.
Living at home is making me crazy. "Home". "Family". It all makes me sick and angry. I'm using drugs to cope. It's a vicious fucking cycle. And I'm scared to death that I'm trapped.
Unfortunately, the pot has kicked in and things don't seem so bad.
Hold the phone while I grab a cup of coffee.
Yum. So hot.
I've been restricting all week as much as possible, but last night I did eat a fast food bean and cheese burrito. I added vegetables, obviously, but according to their website, one of those babies is 420 calories. Fitting.
Needless to say, I feel bloated. I'll pop some midol and skip breakfast. We're ordering Chinese food at work today. I haven't had it in months and have a craving for my mixed vegetables and white rice. It's not too crazy calorie-wise. At lunch I will only have a few bites, then put it in the fridge to take home later. It's bad, I'm aware. But so good.
My period was about 2 days long this month, and very light. I know this to be a sign of not enough food intake and calorie stores. My body hates me. I hate my body.
I wasn't going to blog about it, but I think I need to. Let me back up. Happy Hump Day! Ugh that expression creeps me out every time I hear, say, or type it.
I am so incredibly emotional today. I've already starting crying twice - once after talking to my father and once after trying to talk to my brother - they both just completely brushed me aside with the abrupt rudeness they've been cultivating for years. The men in this house make me sick. All men do, actually. It's enough to go lesbian. Not really though. Instead, I'll continue to rely on myself.
So I'll get to the nitty gritty. Last night was not good. I restricted during the day, but after work I went to the store. I pathetically bought a bag of organic cheese puffs and a box of Velveeta mac and cheese. I came home and desperately ate the entire bag of cheese puffs. I didn't stop to breathe and barely chewed. I was starving and needed something. My tongue actually started burning towards the end. I finished the bag and felt so full...so gross...but I wanted more. After all, what I had really been craving was the mac and cheese. I decided to make it, even though I had just ingested 750 calories.
I turned the water on to boil, and quickly ate a small apple (for the "nutrients"). I made it, filled my bowl, and went to my room to scarf it down. Well I couldn't finish it. My stomach was hurting so bad and I was so unbelievably full. I lay down in the fetal position on my bed; my stomach gurgling; my thoughts racing. I decided to purge.
This was about one in the morning and I didn't want to wake anyone up. I grabbed my glass of water and headed to the bathroom. I turned on the fan and the shower, took a sip of water, bent over, and scratched my throat with one finger. My nails are long. I instantly puked, it came out so fast. All of it. I barely splashed the wall. It was all so quick, so easy. Too easy.
I wiped the toilet off, flushed twice, turned off the shower. Walked calmly back to my room, packed up a bowl of weed, and smoked. I was up later than usual but did not eat anymore. I still haven't ate. I had one cup of tea and currently drinking my first cup of black coffee.
And now it's time to get ready for work. The idea of eating is grossing me out, so I probably won't. Fuck food. Seriously. I hate it. I hate how I feel about it. I hate what it does to me. I hate how I have no control. I hate hate hate it all.
I should be asking myself, why?. Why binge and purge? What emotion was I feeling? The sad thing is that I know the answer. I was in a good mood! I was feeling positive! But my desire to self-sabotage is just too strong.
Oh, and I weighed myself this morning when I woke, and I'm down. Again. Am I smiling? No.
Hi all. It's Friday! "A day like any other". I'm feeling good, mostly because yesterday I called in sick and declared it a "mental health day". Phuck yeah! I hung out, and drank tea, and took a nap. Then I wandered the mall. Didn't have much luck. My one and only purchase? Cute pink and black pajama pants that were on sale at Old Navy. Clothes just don't fit me right, I'm pretty sure I'm between sizes. Totally annoying place to be.
After the mall I was feeling considerably bad about myself, so I drove to a local grocery store. This was the turning point, the climax. Because I had been so good all week, so restrictive. I was seeing the pounds go down on the scale. I looked thin in clothing store mirrors, which barely happens. I needed a treat.
Would it turn into a binge?
I found a "Boston cream parfait" in the bakery. It was big, and filled with creamy deliciousness, cake pieces, chocolate ganache, whipped cream, even one maraschino cherry. I grabbed a plastic spoon from the cafe, used the self-checkout, and high-tailed it to my car, where I struggled to open the thing. Finally spoon hit dessert and then mouth and then happy joy time took over, a pink glow around me, my aura lit with pleasure, the back of my eyes seeing fireworks, the public parking lot around me was gone - I was alone, free, and easy.
For about 10 seconds.
And then guilt crept over me. Followed by panic, shame, and disgust.
But I kept eating. Eating eating until it was almost gone. I left about 10% in the container and put it in a bag to toss in my back seat, to be thrown away later. Just realized it's still in my car. Gone bad for sure. Probably smelly and stinky. My car needs to be cleaned out.
I'm feeling bad just remembering this, but I forgot that there is a happy ending! I am down a pound today. So I'll chalk last night's binge up as a metabolism boost and get on with my life.
hot tea, water, vitamin
3/4 of a banana
spoonful of peanut butter
whole wheat english muffin
some earth balance butter
I'm going to get ready for work. Have a good day!
By the way, I went on a date last night with J. (friend that confessed his feelings last week). It went really well :) We shall see where this goes. If it goes anywhere.
Think thin, lovelies!
Thanks for your comments on my Halloween costume picture. No one mentioned how fat I am though...