well hello

well hello

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Classic Sar

Hey everyone, happy holidays!

It's been months, but I've been on blogger lurking a bit. Life has been crazy lately. D. and I FINALLY ended things for real and for good back in August. Since then I've dated a couple guys namely this newest one who I've now slept with 4 times :-D unprotected. I'm a smart cookie! Actually though I'm pretty sure I already fucked things up. We've been talking just over a month so right on time.

Needless to say I am not happy currently. I slept like shit. First had this insane dream about my new dude and his baby momma and daughter and I woke in a cold sweat. Then I had this other insane dream about fucking my ex J.

New dude just stopped by to pick up a coat I am donating to his buddy's winter coat collection for poors and it was so awkward. He gave me the cold shoulder and a peck on the lips.

Here's why:

Last night I went to his house for dinner. He bought us Thai take out (which was awesome) and we just chilled after and watched some dumb movie. Things were great until during/after the movie because I started thinking about D. and how what we were doing reminded me so much of him (we ALWAYS ate dinner and watched a movie on the couch).

Now keep in mind this was the first time new dude and I had done that. Fuck he needs a name for this blog ok he's Jeff. (For long time readers yes this is the second Jeff I've dated, who I always referred to as J.)

Jeff and I are laying there cuddling the movie ends and we're talking and he pulls out his phone and starts flipping through instagram. I casually glance over and see him looking at some chick's pic! WTF? I said nothing. After a couple seconds of mindless scrolling he sets it down and we start talking about one of our favorite bands, Phish. He has seen them a million times I've seen them once. And he's asking if I'm going to NYE and mentioning that he's going to Mexico (for shows).

So me being me starts tearing up and acting emo. My period is due today but whatever. The moment last night got tense and he backed down and apologized to me because I accused him of rubbing it in my face that he was seeing my favorite band. I could sense his uneasiness with my change of tone. It was kinda ridiculous but this is my life. I managed to calm down and the convo was neutral and after a few more minutes this dude pulls out his phone AGAIN.

I do NOT have my cell phone out when I'm chillen with friends, family, boyfriends. I think it is rude as fuck. Sometimes of course I have to, I'll need to answer, but for the most part I am polite about it. It rubs me the wrong way when people are not. D. did it a lot and it became a real issue for us. I hated it, we got in terrible fights about it, it was bad.

There I go again comparing Jeff's actions to D.'s.

Since we've been talking, about 5-6 weeks, he has been chill about his phone. Def on it a little but not overly much and I was cool with it and obviously he could tell I had mine put away. Out of respect for his presence.

But maybe now that we fucked he no longer respects my presence.

My insecurity is showing :-(

This is why writing is therapeutic and a crutch and also a curse. Seeing it all out like this, re-thinking about it all...I am coming to sickening revelations that make my heart cry and my stomach squeeze with bile rising up my throat.

What happened next last night was 100% my dark side. I jumped up, said I better go, and bounced. Went straight to 7/11 and bought cigarettes (my first in weeks) and a 25 oz beer. Smoked a cig with the cashier then drove home in a daze, shaking so hard my leg couldn't stay on the gas pedal, it took real effort to keep it pushed. I smoked another cig and walked in my house and dropped the beer and got on the toilet, feeling like I would be sick. I didn't get sick or drink the beer I took off my clothes got in bed and had the aforementioned dreams.

Back to the present.
I feel nauseous. I can't type anymore. I don't know what's going to happen. I like this guy but I'm scared. More later.

Later babes

Wednesday, July 13, 2016


It's late but I'm up still, a lot on my mind and not quite ready for sleep. I've been taking an antidepressant, zoloft, for 7 weeks. I go back to the doctor on friday to evaluate how I'm doing on it.

How am I doing on it? For starters I cry a hell of a lot less. I was crying pretty much daily, hysteric wracking sobs weekly, and wanting to die just as often prior to the meds. For the past few years (perhaps my whole life) I've been a gigantic cry baby. No longer.

I am happier. I have confidence. I have been seeing my friends regularly. I am seeing D. still and things are as intense as always but slightly smoother. It will be two years next month.

I have been having bizarre, sexual dreams. Hitting on women and sleeping with other men.

Work is going alright.

I have lost 27 pounds since the spring of 2014.


Keep in mind I was NEVER overweight. I am 5 foot 8. I have always been tall and thin. 150 was my highest and now I am 123, weighed this afternoon at work. I am skinny, yay! But my personality still needs work. I need to be more mature. I will be 30 in September.

I am high as shit right now. Not sure what this post was supposed to be about. Just checking in. I'm alive. Much love and peace to you all.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Help yourself to some drugs

I'm officially medicated. Two days in. Who knows if it will help. I was scaring the hell out of myself last night reading some of the comments about side effects. Needless to say, nothing else has worked. My unraveling has become such that people are starting to notice. The nurse was so concerned as I described my depression over the phone they scheduled me for an office visit and the doctor practically begged me to help myself with drugs. I've been receiving messages from worried people. My energy is "off" and ice cold and do I want a free Reiki session? I might take advantage.

A week ago, I bought myself some internet for this apartment. Basic as it gets but it helps. I am typing this in my underwear, in the coolness of my basement level home on a high 80 degree day. I am taking a break from cleaning. There is always something to clean. I am going canoeing with D. in a little while. Going to finish my tea and rearrange the bedroom.

More later.


Saturday, March 26, 2016


A couple days later and I think I'm doing better. It's Saturday afternoon, how can you not be grand? Granted, I'm in my pajamas. There is a packed bowl next to my coffee mug. I have been VERY lazy so far this weekend. I've been drinking a lot. But I think I'm doing better.

Not hearing from him at all helps. This has been the longest break up in the history of break ups. We broke up so many times and it never lasted but the past few months it's been lasting longer and longer and now we're separated for real.

I've been slowly changing my mindset to that of a single gal. I am single. 29 and fucking single. But it's ok. There are other men out there, men that will appreciate my quirks and respect my experiences and love me for me.

D. has hated me for awhile. I did a lot of bad stuff. I'm not going to say I deserve to be hated though. It takes two in order for a relationship to be successful, two people making an effort. I feel like a lot of my bs was reactions to his bs. We bounced our darkest parts off each other. We fell into a sick sad pattern and were unable to free ourselves so we had to split. There was never any other fate for us.

I gotta stop thinking about him.

I gotta start rediscovering myself, to find Sar again. Whoever she is.

Love, XO

Thanks for reading Bella
 * hugs*<3 p="">

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Been awake for a little over an hour, on cigarette number four, plus coffee, no food.
Wish I could feel happy.
I don't. Just lost. Completely lost myself.

Fucked D. last weekend for the first time in months. Didn't hear from him after. Fucker totally used me.

I hate myself.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Divided Sky

Hey everyone, I'm still here, lurking, truckin' along. Currently having some coffee and a cigarette. Listening to Phish. Anyone else like them? My ex (D.) got me into them. Seeing them this summer with Matt (remember him?). Can't wait!! Just got the good news yesterday that his cousin scored us tickets. No, we're not dating or hooking up, my break up with D. is still too fresh, but we're friends, and I'm pumped!

D...well, REALLY long story short some insane shit went down a few weeks ago. He actually got physical with me. Scared the fuck outta me. Haven't seen him since. Told him I kissed another guy and he went apeshit, calling me a cheating whore, etc. We broke up a million times, I was loyal for fucking ever and he needs to understand that when your answer is to always dump someone after a fight eventually they're going to slip away. Disgusted with him and myself. Needless to say we are done for real and not speaking.

I'm trying my best to stay afloat. It's been a struggle. Just taking it a day at a time. 

Today I'm off. It's 2:30 in the afternoon and I haven't done anything other than eat some chocolate chips and half a grapefruit and make coffee. Big plans to shower and go to the bank and store. 

I want to join a class. Like yoga or dance. I am missing hobbies in my life. I have (for a year and a half) been perfectly obsessed with D. and his life and his friends and what he is doing and where he is going. I forgot about me. It's time to get Sar back. It's time to live my fucking life.

The concert with Matt is part of that. We haven't even talked or chilled in a year but a few weeks ago randomly met up and made these plans to see a show. It's something to look forward to.

Ugh, I can't focus. Haven't blogged or wrote in so long. It's hard to express myself right now. Got the coffee shakes and should probably mention that I'm stoned. Like always :-/

Love and Peace, xo