well hello

well hello

Monday, June 27, 2011


Today is my first day at my new job. Just got to get through 8 hours. I can do this.

For breakfast I had a toasted whole wheat english muffin, with a slice of pepper jack cheese, one cooked (microwaved) egg, and one veggie breakfast "sausage". It was a damn good breakfast sandwich and not too bad calorie-wise (about 320 calories), which is alright because I don't plan to eat all day. Fuck food.

Oh, and fuck men. N. turned out to be a real douchebag. He admitted that he only liked me for my looks. So it's done. It was short-lived and a fucking waste of my time. Same story as the rest. When will I meet someone who is truly turned on by my personality?

Think thin today, lovelies! I'm excited to just MOVE ON with my life.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

So I passed my drug test and the job is MINE! I will not mess this up.

I've been seeing N.

He is friends with my ex and he lives about 35 minutes away, but he's cuddly and kind and he thinks I'm amazingly sexy. I am unsure how I feel, I am taking things day by day, minute by minute. I am attracted to him, a little. I am much more attracted to the mental stimulation he provides. He is incredibly smart.

My weight is still a constant source of terrified hysteria. I am never comfortable with myself. I'm always too big, too much. Too tall, too fat, too soft, too everything but too thin. I have a feeling I will never be too thin. I am ridiculously lazy and embarrassingly content with staying how I am, which is thin with a bit of curve.


I'm hungry, it's 1:30 and I want to eat.
Instead I'll sip this ice water and continue to procrastinate the inevitable.

I can't wait to get on a routine with work. I'll be working second shift...any advice on getting through that time of day on barely any food?

Think thin, lovelies :-)


Friday, June 17, 2011

It's over...I took my drug test. I won't know if I passed or failed for a few days. I took your advice and didn't smoke this week and drank water and took aspirin so...*fingers crossed*.

Last night I had an incredible date with sexy N. We went to a free concert and then back to his apartment for a bonfire with some friends. I didn't freak out by the fire...baby steps.

We made out, very very briefly. I (obviously) pulled away, stopped it, hit pause, because I'm a scaredy-cat.

After about 7 hours of good times, I drove home. I ate some (a lot) of food. I passed out and dreamed about sharks.

Right now I'm sipping hot black coffee and about to go read the newspaper.

Life is ok.

I'll let you know how the drug test results are. I hope hope hope! I passed. Pray for me.

Think thin!!!!!!

<3 Sar

Monday, June 13, 2011

Well I got a job, full time, with benefits.

The only caveat?

I must pass a drug test on Thursday. FUCK. I was hoping to smoke tonight :(

Any advice?

Friday, June 10, 2011

I'm fucking weird.

That is all.

Good night.

Thursday, June 9, 2011


My Dad woke me up at 10 this morning by screaming through my door, which led to a huge fight, which led to me crying bitterly by myself and thinking evil thoughts like, "I should have pushed him down the stairs."

It's been over an hour. I've calmed down. I'm so fucking hungry but I don't want to eat. I want to hurt myself for being such a little bitch. I fucking hate my life sometimes, today is one of those times.

My friend and I were supposed to meet up for a walk before she goes into work. Well the time we were supposed to meet has come and passed, and she's not answering her phone. Dumb cunt. Just joking, kinda, I do love her. This kind of stuff drives me mad though. I want to WALK dammit. I want to EXERCISE and all she wants to do is sleep? No wonder she wears a bigger size than me.

Ok, she just texted me, "I have stuff to do maybe today isn't a good day for a walk." Umm whatever. Should have said that last night when we planned this.

God, this day is already ruined. I'm so fucking pissed I want to shred my skin with a cheese grater. I want to leap off my roof and fall face-first, breaking my skull. I want to scream so loud and so hard that someone calls the police because they think I'm being murdered.


Yesterday's date went...ok. We had a nice talk but it was short and sweet. We were together maybe 40 minutes. I really haven't heard from him since. So I'm guessing I screwed that up somehow too.

I mess everything up.

Think thin.

Being thin is all I have right now, and I'm barely thin, so I guess I don't have much.


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Far Out

It's the witching hour and I can't sleep. I am going on a date in the morning with a guy I met my first semester of college. We have always got along well and kept in touch. He (very) recently admitted that he's interested and so tomorrow we are meeting up, and I'm nervous. Cue a smoke session.

Still unemployed, but I've got a lead at my friend's work. It would be full time work. *Fingers Crossed* I've already applied, just waiting for a call.

This guy I'm seeing in the morning is N. He is my ex's friend. I remember fucking my ex on N.'s front porch one drunken night a couple years ago. I remember going to a concert with N. and a friend of mine; I ditched them to mess around with one of the band members. I am thinking of these things and wondering what N. thinks about it all. He clearly doesn't care too much if he wants to take me out. But who knows. I shouldn't worry what he's thinking, what anyone's thinking. But I do.

I've been in therapy for a few weeks. It's not helping much. Yesterday I just cried and fidgeted my fingers and blew my nose like crazy because I've been fighting off a cold. My therapist is kind and smart, but a different ethnicity, and sometimes she is hard to understand. Sometimes I am not sure of her point. I don't say anything, I just nod my head. I have said nothing about my disturbed eating. I am trying to just rid myself of the depression.

I'm sort of freaking out right now. I hope tomorrow goes well but if it doesn't, that's ok too. I can do this. Wish me luck.

I wouldn't mind having a guy friend that could lead to something more. It'd be a nice distraction. Maybe it's the last thing I need. Whatever, I'm doing it.

Think thin!