well hello

well hello

April 12, 2015

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More time spent with D. We were texting early and made plans for a walk, as it was beautiful today! Finally..! We got pounded this past winter and the nice weather is much deserved and highly anticipated. I did a load of laundry and took a shower before putting on a cute outfit: flowered leggings, jean shorts, a black Beatles tee, and a black bandana (with black boots). I looked and felt very thin. I drove to his place and we walked to the river. It was so nice, we talked and joked and took pics and had two beers each.

We held hands on the walk back, he made dinner while I did dishes, we watched an episode of "The X Files" while cuddling. I blew him. Then I left. 

Nothing mentioned about our relationship "status". Are we together or not? I do not know and I don't need to know bad enough where I'll bring it up (again). Last time I said something he said he loves me but "can't take me" (can't take being with me). I do not know what to think about that. His actions are contradictory. He acts very loving towards me, both in person and over text. We laugh a lot. We are affectionate.

I am confused about what we are and feeling a little vulnerable. Why do I need a label? Society and social media. The "single" on his facebook stings and bugs the crap out of me. It's on mine too. I cannot be the first to take it down, as he was the one who ended it. So I'm single, but dating my ex. That's my relationship status for now. Everything is temporary, right?

I had a really nice time with him today. We do get along quite well and enjoy similar things like being by the water and pizza. I love him and I wish we were together for real. We'll see though. Life is unpredictable and with each new day arises an opportunity for changes to occur. I want what I want and I'll either get it or I won't but I'm starting to accept that there are certain serious things that are completely out of my hands.

I'm blazing alone in my new place, incense burning. Back to work tomorrow and I'm actually going in early.

Am I being naive when it comes to D.?

He knows that I love him. I am leaving the question of us up to him. There were a lot of reasons for our break up. I lied to him and it ended our relationship. Therefore, if things ever do rekindle ideally it will be because we BOTH want it. I believe he should initiate it.

The situation is neutral, I choose how to feel about it. I feel ok. I feel love for D. and acceptance of the ways of the universe.

That is all, good night!
~S



April 9, 2015

Life update

It's been awhile. I have been purposely ignoring this blog and not writing because writing means deal with it, face it, look into myself and try to come back to the surface without tripping over my troubles. The thing is, I edited this four page letter to the attorney general from my boss today at work and it made me remember that I like writing. So I'm here because I want to be.

A lot has changed, of course. My guilt and regret about the abortion remain current. Yes, regret, as unbelievable as that sounds. Me, with a baby? I am hardly coping with myself. That is, I smoke weed every day and have been chain smoking cigarettes. Barely eating. TRYING to eat more but just...can't. Don't want to.

D. and I broke up a few weeks ago but have spoken via text or phone every day since. Spoken for the most part meaning fight. We've met up a couple times for food and sex. What the hell kind of break up is this?

It hurts. I love him still, I carried his child that we chose not to keep. We shared a life-changing experience. How can I walk away? The truth is that I'm terrified of being without him. I don't want to be with anyone else having had an abortion. I'm not in therapy anymore but last time I was there I mentioned this and she said you can choose to tell the next guy or not, up to you. So either way I'm fucked! Keep it a secret, a lie...or tell them and potentially damage their view of me. With D. I don't have to worry about that.

With D. I don't have secrets. But, the fact remains that we are not together. I am single. And so not ready to mingle.

I moved about a month ago and it went well, really enjoying my new, nicer spot but feeling incredibly isolated. My two closest friends are in the city I just moved away from. I have friends around here but not across the street like how it was before. I've been having fun though. I went to a concert, had drinks, dinner, brunch, etc with friends in the past few weeks.

The drama with D. and dealing with the after effects of the abortion have been my main focus. Still bleeding off and on, cramps off and on, emotional as fuck. Intense and insane feelings for him. Last week in person we both admitted that we still love each other. We just fight so fucking much. We don't work, which sucks to think.

It's a complicated and confusing situation right now. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to function. There are things, serious things, that need to be done (still): my taxes and student loan stuff. I have been literally been putting them off for months! I am my own worst enemy sometimes.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch in my pjs at 8pm like an old lady. Off for the next 3 days. Happy hour tomorrow, headed back to the city to grab some mail, and the bank. Saturday and Sunday are up in the air but hopefully I'll make the best of them. Tonight is me time. Me myself and I, single lady with her cat. Fml.

xo, thanks so much for reading, love to you all.
~S

ETA:
I realized today that I really like helping people by making them feel better, even if it's brief. A patient came in who lost his wife two months ago. He is an elderly man, at first gruff but with kindness. To watch him and his wife was so sweet, he would lead her by arm everywhere, they were an adorable old twosome. Anyway she passed and we just found out when he started coming back (he hadn't been in for a few months). Today I took extra time to talk with him and when I led him to a treatment room I pointed out the large and exquisite painting on the wall. He looked at it, noticed it's beauty and walked to it, touched it and said "I don't think I've ever noticed this before. It IS nice." It was such a cool moment, and I felt very present. I also felt like I had helped him in my own way, by pointing out a little beauty to allow him to become present too, and maybe for an instant not feel intense grief.


February 26, 2015

Ultimate goal weight, and beyond

Holy shit you guys. I've surpassed my UGW of 130.

People keep commenting on my weight. My boyfriend is like, "you've lost so much weight". A patient at work today asked what I eat and said "you look great, keep doing what you're doing". I keep hearing it. Do I see it?

Honestly I haven't even been trying. I just can't eat. I won't binge ever again. Starving myself has become a way of living, ingrained into my routine.

Cigarettes, lots of sex, rarely eating, lots of stress, and the weight falls off. Yes, I am tired, and cold, dizzy, and forgetful, and just generally out of it.

I am 127 pounds and 5 foot 8 inches tall. My BMI is 19.3 and the underweight cutoff is 18.5 and how the hell am I borderline underweight?? I was soo thin growing up and it's starting to feel like this is just my natural body type.

Which brings me to my next thought...what should my new ultimate goal weight be? It was always 130, so now I'll say 120 which will make my BMI 18.2. Not bad.

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I'm moving this weekend. I just had a shower beer. Sleep soon.
Take care, loves.

xx
~Sar

February 4, 2015

Cold turkey

Hey, so, I haven't smoked weed since Friday. Just got home from therapy. Drinking my coffee, feeling anxious. I have a lot to do and a lot on my mind. D. will be home next Thursday.

Why have I stopped smoking? Because I have smoked half my life away and I'm sick of hating myself for it. I have been discussing this with my therapist for months, me stopping. She was proud to hear it's been a few days. Truthfully I cannot afford it because I am moving out at the end of this month. Yup. Out of the city and closer to work, closer to home, closer to D. Big changes ahead.

I am stressed. It's not that I want to pack everything up and move in the winter. It's not that I hate the city or my current apartment. I just am sick of hating myself. I am sick of being broke. The new rent will be $50 cheaper and I'll save on gas money. I don't want to be afraid to walk alone. I don't want to be surrounded by ghetto trashy city dwellers.

As for the weed, *sighs*, I love it. I want to buy some and smoke it. I just don't want to be addicted anymore. The blazing everyday in a constant haze and procrastination is killing me slowly. So are the cigarettes I've been chain smoking as a replacement. My choices are immature lately and I want to change. I want to be better.

I have so many things on my to do list it is driving me crazy! My boyfriend has been gone for five weeks and I told myself I'd accomplish so much! Have I though? Meh. Not really.

Still bleeding from the abortion, yes a straight month of bleeding. Tell your friends, kids. It's not for the faint of heart..I went in for a follow up appointment and tested positive for pregnancy still. I'm chock full of preggers hormones! Fun!!!

God, I am so scattered right now. My therapist encouraged me to blog but the coffee has me fucking hyped. I am sitting with my phone in lap waiting to hear from my boyfriend, pathetically dependent.

I have to pack. I have to renew my health insurance. I have SO MUCH student loan bullshit to deal with. I have to talk to my landlord to see if I can use my security deposit as the last month's rent. (Anyone ever do that?). I have to activate my new phone and mail my old one to them like yesterday to avoid a $500 charge. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I want to do is fly away to the ocean and curl up on the beach and stare at the waves and drink a fruity cocktail and then go running and leaping into the water. I want to smoke, dammit! I want my hair to be beautiful again (it's time for a cut/color). I want my boyfriend home. I want to be strong against my cravings.

At least I continue to lose weight. So many people have said, "hey, have you lost weight?". I haven't weighed in awhile but I'm soo down. 15lbs last time I checked a few weeks ago. I mean, it obviously needed to be lost. All my pants are SO FUCKING baggy. I look like a bag lady. I look like hell. My face sometimes hurts from frowning. My face itches! Damn dry skin. Damn winter. Damn snow.

I am sexually frustrated, stressed, annoyed with life and myself and my boyfriend. I hate food, can't fucking eat anything anymore. I need to vacuum and change my sheets and dust and clean and organize and file my taxes. I have so much on my plate and my inclination is to run run RUN AWAY.

Writing sort of helps. I got stuck in my driveway today, lol. The snow is insane where I live. Why do I live here? Ask myself that every day.

Thanks for listening. I gotta get up and smoke a cigarette or something. Losing my fucking mind. Quitting a lifelong habit cold turkey ain't for the birds. God please give me strength.

Have a good one, loves. Thanks for all of your kindness lately. Means so much.
xo
Sar

January 26, 2015

The feels

He's been gone for 21 days and we've had a terrible fight. I just blocked him so we have no contact. I am listening to the Rain Song by Led Zeppelin. I barely ate today. Or yesterday. Fuck food.

I have maintained my new low of 134 pounds. I am 5'8 so I'd say that's pretty fucking good.

Too bad my heart is alone and the pain is striking. We love each other and yet fight so desperately, so madly. We pull out the guns. It's sad. And it lowers my self esteem, which already has been affected by the abortion.

I have drank 4 beers, smoked 2 bowls and about 5 cigarettes since I've been home from work. I am trying to numb the pain. The weird thing is how the pain doesn't get numbed, it lingers. I miss D. terribly. This trip of his, the timing of it, the love/hate we've been experiencing...is just...incredible. Incredibly hard.

Peace to all,
Sar


January 19, 2015

Love

He loves me, he said it and I believe it.

D. has been gone exactly two weeks and there are three and a half more to go. Tonight, he recorded his voice saying, "I love you baby" and sent it to me. I fucking melted.

What we have gone through has been so huge, so life-changing. It is bringing us closer together and I am thankful for that.

Thanks for the comments on my last post. I was extremely depressed that evening. Tonight? Not so much. Work is an excellent distraction. My therapist is amazing. My boyfriend loves me. I have sweet and open-minded readers. Feeling good about life.

Coincidentally, I am out of weed. I am energized without it yet the craving is tremendous. I will most likely be re-upping tonight. I don't dare try to sleep without it. I need to get restful sleep or I'm a bear. My friend will probably deliver some in an hour or so.

I have no food in the house, nothing. I desperately need to grocery shop. I actually stopped at Wegmans today but only bought cat food. #win.

Have a great night babes.
xx ~s

January 12, 2015

After

It's been a week and three days since I aborted my baby. I thought I was coping decently. Today, stupidly, I watched a video explaining the life stages from conception to birth with accurate and fascinating pictures. I stared at the seven week picture out of curiosity and the need to feel reconnected. I watched this in the last hour of my workday.

On the way home, driving 60 mph on the thruway, I could feel that tight hot ball of grief-guilt-anger-sadness forming in the pit of my stomach. A tear slid out, my face hardened, enough crying, dammit just drive. Another tear. An escaped sob to assuage the poisonous emotions wrestling to release. I made it home through blurred vision. My cheeks hurt from frowning and holding back tears. My arms, my heart hurts.

My baby is gone. I killed it. No Sarah, you didn't kill anyone. You made a choice to end a life. Ok that sounds a lot like killing.

I need D. Well sorry, he's out of the country. There's no one else you can really talk to. Not family. Friends don't understand.

I killed my baby. Stop. Just fucking stop goddammit.

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It's been a week and three days since I aborted my baby. Life has gone on. I recovered, physically, quick. I took my antibiotics and ibuprofen. I hung out with my boyfriend, the only person who has any inkling of knowledge of what I'm going through. He's gone now, away for another month. I've survived a week without him. We've chatted over facebook every day, thank god. I need him so bad right now.

Work has been a decent distraction but it's been too slow with all the snow and the time to think is getting to me. Time is crawling by.

Last week I drank. This week? Hell, maybe I'll write.

Thanks for listening.
xx
~S


January 1, 2015

Scarlett letter A

Tomorrow is the big day. I have done a lot of reading and research this week, a lot of talking and crying and over thinking...but I am not in denial. I understand that I was supremely irresponsible, and for that I must pay the consequence which is making an impossible choice.

I know that I am not ready for a baby. I do not want to have a baby this year. Yes, I am 28 years old and plenty old enough to have one, but it is not what I want right now. As you all know, I like doing what I want. Isn't life just a series of decisions regarding what you want next? Hell, they even say if you want happiness you've got to choose it.

As for me, I choose life. MY life.

Of course it is heartbreaking to feel me and D.'s unborn embryo in my tummy. I can definitely feel it, I am a changed woman. I have been able to say aloud "I am pregnant" and know that it is as true as you and me.

It sucks to know that I am choosing not to let our unborn embryo live. It sucks that this had to happen now. It sucks that I was so foolish regarding birth control. It sucks that I will have to live with this choice for the rest of my life.

But maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I will be ok.

I believe this is happening for a reason. What is the life lesson here Sar?

Tomorrow is the big day and I am nervous as can be but also excited for it all to be over. I don't want to be pregnant right now. I don't like feeling nauseous (all day sickness - not just morning). My boobs KILL. I have no sex drive. I have no appetite and then I'm ravenous but nothing sounds appealing. I haven't been able to touch coffee and sushi sounds like the worst thing in the world, two of my previous faves. My mood has been all over the place. My emotions are...insane.

Tomorrow it ends. Tomorrow I walk out of there a free woman. Tomorrow I have to face reality and face myself and forgive myself and love myself and forgive the universe for dealing me this hand.

D. is going with me. It was luckily never a question. He has fluctuated between handling it great and totally freaking out. He is scared of course, and the timing could not be worse as he is leaving the country for a 5 week backpacking trip through central america on monday. We will miss each other and he will do his best to support me over the phone but for the most part I will be leaning on myself.

My parents do not know, nor my siblings. They may never. I have told three close friends and my boss. I am being called on to be strong right now and it will be a real test for D. and I's relationship. I can do this. I will be ok.

I am not in shock anymore. I am borderline accepting of the entire thing. Therapy this week helped a ton. D. is helping a lot. Music and maryjane help.

Thanks for the love and for reading about my life. Tomorrow is the big day and I am asking for your prayers/good vibes that everything goes smoothly. I never wanted to make this decision, you guys. I never wanted any of this but it's here and all I can do is what's best for me and hope to eventually forgive myself.

I'm sorry baby. Mommy is not ready for you yet. I hope and believe that your beautiful and innocent soul will be sent to someone loving, mature, present, financially stable, and ready to devote her life to you. I'm sorry it is not me, not yet.

xo
Sar


December 27, 2014

BIG news

I'm pregnant.(it's D.'s).
I have an abortion scheduled next friday.

PLEASE, if you have any tips or advice, let me know.

*petrified*

Happy New Year to me.

December 20, 2014

Holiday greetings

Happy Saturday! It's 11:30AM and I'm awake, drinking coffee. Tomorrow is the winter solstice. I am happy about this because I NEED more daylight hours. Been taking Vitamin D every day to attack the seasonal blues.

Less than a week to christmas and I haven't shopped, but I will, today. I was sick with a cold for like 9 days and still not 100%. The sickness coincided nicely with D. and I's latest breakup. My period is late. Only two days and it's probably stress.

I cut my hair again, a few inches and trimmed up the layers. It looks alright. Don't see myself going back to a hairdresser any time soon. Cutting it is too fun. Something about taking scissors to your self and trimming away excess.

Speaking of, at my last weighing (last sunday) I was 133. I've lost 17 pounds since Spring.

Without really trying. I guess the years of ednos thoughts became my reality and food is just nothing to me anymore. I just don't really care about food.

The only reason I eat is because I know I'm supposed to, and I should fuel my body.

Hence, the weight loss. All of my clothes are big. I feel good about it but as I've been saying since the beginning, I do not look sexy in baggy clothes.

Ugh. I am still in shock over the breakup. Like, is it really going to stick this time? Maybe.

In about two weeks he is leaving on a month long vacation through central America. It will be an ideal time for me to move on. Right now I still don't fully believe it. I'm trying to accept it though.

I changed my facebook to single, deleted his pics (most of them), and am telling everyone and myself that it's over.

The truth is that I never wanted it to be over. I cared for him very much. Our relationship had a  lot of struggles but sometimes it was truly perfect and we were so cute. The fights were out of control though. I take most of the blame for that, though he has many issues to be worked through in his life.

He made me happy, he made me sad, he made me mad. The sex was incredible and very satisfying. The rest, meh.

I have to be strong. It's time to be Sar again.

Love and peace.
xo

November 20, 2014

Snowvember

What is going on with reality? My life has stopped making sense. I am listening to Phish. My boyfriend is verbally abusive, immature, fragile, and doesn't trust me at all. In his words, he "trusts me not to give a fuck". Ouch.

My hands are cold. My stomach is nauseous. I've smoked half a pack of cigarettes after over a month without. I can't eat.

I can sleep but I keep getting interrupted by my downstairs neighbor who works until close at a bar (4am) then comes home loud, drunk, and usually with a dude. So I've been waking at dawn and being unable to fall back asleep some nights because of her ignorance.

It makes me want to move. Everything makes me want to move.

I have stopped writing, stopped practicing guitar, stopped caring about anything but the drama with my boyfriend. It's weird because I realize it but I do nothing to change. I'm comfortable using him as a distraction. It takes the focus off me and my loser life.

Alright, I'm not a loser but I am making $12/hour, socially awkward, and barely hang out with anyone anymore. I am for the most part ok with this. However I do see that in comparison to others I am lacking: cool hobbies, defined talents, money, material items, marriage, babies...the list goes on.

My hobby is reading. Nerd hobby.
My defined talent? Meh, hard worker? Good at giving head? Keeping plants and a cat (and myself) alive? God I am lame.

When I take a closer look at myself I see that I am shallow, self righteous, judgmental, temperamental. I see the bad.

I need to remember how to be the light, see the light, be at peace.
I need to start praying again. Or something.
I have become stuck. I want to be released.

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I am looking quite thin. 5 foot 8 and 135 pounds. This is a good weight for me. My arms and legs look smaller. My ribs and hipbones stick out and I have a bony clavicle and defined cheekbones. I am unstable - smoking - eating a spoonful of crunchy peanut butter (just one, cannot swallow - thanks anxiety!). I need to end this post.

Peace,
Sarah

November 11, 2014

Tex

Where do I even start?

I just got back from San Antonio, Texas for a sweet business trip. Had my own hotel room and the opportunity to learn a lot, it was great. What I've always wanted.

D. and I ended up making it a "break". If break means talking every day all day. We haven't seen each other in over a week, since before my trip. He is making it pretty clear that he would like to see me. I am undecided. I am indifferent.

Things were messed up between us but the space hasn't exactly helped. I am open to seeing him but nervous that I'll mess up hardcore and hurt him.

I am doing ok. As ok as could be. Work is going well. Had fun in another state. I've kept the weight off, give or take a pound. Haven't weighed. Going to wait a couple weeks to weigh again, to make sure I'm maintaining.

I gave in and bought some pot. Blazing and being lazy tonight. Have a good one.

~Sar

November 3, 2014

Distraught

I'm down 14 pounds. Just broke up with D. Fuck my fucking life.