well hello

well hello

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Help yourself to some drugs

I'm officially medicated. Two days in. Who knows if it will help. I was scaring the hell out of myself last night reading some of the comments about side effects. Needless to say, nothing else has worked. My unraveling has become such that people are starting to notice. The nurse was so concerned as I described my depression over the phone they scheduled me for an office visit and the doctor practically begged me to help myself with drugs. I've been receiving messages from worried people. My energy is "off" and ice cold and do I want a free Reiki session? I might take advantage.

A week ago, I bought myself some internet for this apartment. Basic as it gets but it helps. I am typing this in my underwear, in the coolness of my basement level home on a high 80 degree day. I am taking a break from cleaning. There is always something to clean. I am going canoeing with D. in a little while. Going to finish my tea and rearrange the bedroom.

More later.

xo

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Still

A couple days later and I think I'm doing better. It's Saturday afternoon, how can you not be grand? Granted, I'm in my pajamas. There is a packed bowl next to my coffee mug. I have been VERY lazy so far this weekend. I've been drinking a lot. But I think I'm doing better.

Not hearing from him at all helps. This has been the longest break up in the history of break ups. We broke up so many times and it never lasted but the past few months it's been lasting longer and longer and now we're separated for real.

I've been slowly changing my mindset to that of a single gal. I am single. 29 and fucking single. But it's ok. There are other men out there, men that will appreciate my quirks and respect my experiences and love me for me.

D. has hated me for awhile. I did a lot of bad stuff. I'm not going to say I deserve to be hated though. It takes two in order for a relationship to be successful, two people making an effort. I feel like a lot of my bs was reactions to his bs. We bounced our darkest parts off each other. We fell into a sick sad pattern and were unable to free ourselves so we had to split. There was never any other fate for us.

I gotta stop thinking about him.

I gotta start rediscovering myself, to find Sar again. Whoever she is.

Love, XO

Thanks for reading Bella
 * hugs*<3 p="">

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Been awake for a little over an hour, on cigarette number four, plus coffee, no food.
Wish I could feel happy.
I don't. Just lost. Completely lost myself.

Fucked D. last weekend for the first time in months. Didn't hear from him after. Fucker totally used me.

I hate myself.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Divided Sky

Hey everyone, I'm still here, lurking, truckin' along. Currently having some coffee and a cigarette. Listening to Phish. Anyone else like them? My ex (D.) got me into them. Seeing them this summer with Matt (remember him?). Can't wait!! Just got the good news yesterday that his cousin scored us tickets. No, we're not dating or hooking up, my break up with D. is still too fresh, but we're friends, and I'm pumped!

D...well, REALLY long story short some insane shit went down a few weeks ago. He actually got physical with me. Scared the fuck outta me. Haven't seen him since. Told him I kissed another guy and he went apeshit, calling me a cheating whore, etc. We broke up a million times, I was loyal for fucking ever and he needs to understand that when your answer is to always dump someone after a fight eventually they're going to slip away. Disgusted with him and myself. Needless to say we are done for real and not speaking.

I'm trying my best to stay afloat. It's been a struggle. Just taking it a day at a time. 

Today I'm off. It's 2:30 in the afternoon and I haven't done anything other than eat some chocolate chips and half a grapefruit and make coffee. Big plans to shower and go to the bank and store. 

I want to join a class. Like yoga or dance. I am missing hobbies in my life. I have (for a year and a half) been perfectly obsessed with D. and his life and his friends and what he is doing and where he is going. I forgot about me. It's time to get Sar back. It's time to live my fucking life.

The concert with Matt is part of that. We haven't even talked or chilled in a year but a few weeks ago randomly met up and made these plans to see a show. It's something to look forward to.

Ugh, I can't focus. Haven't blogged or wrote in so long. It's hard to express myself right now. Got the coffee shakes and should probably mention that I'm stoned. Like always :-/

Love and Peace, xo

Thursday, December 31, 2015

On the eve of the new year

New Year's Eve.

Guess who ended up black out drunk and making out with my friend's brother at the party last weekend? I'm a fucking mess sometimes, man. Just didn't eat enough and was mixing liquors. Definitely regret it. Apparently I called D. when I was blacked out and was rambling on about how guys were hitting on me...and who knows what else.

Needless to say I feel like a cheater. I am technically not but this is a big secret I'm keeping from him. I feel like I betrayed him. Which I did. The first couple days after "the incident" I was extra sweet, because I felt bad, and then we fought and it was like a flip switched, like I had to be as nasty and terrible as possible, because I'm so fucking guilty and my only option is to make him leave me for good. Or so it feels.

I've been drinking a lot, too much. Bought champagne and vodka for tonight (I'm staying in, alone) and look forward to forgetting the madness. Hoping to pick up some pot which is why I haven't poured a drink yet. We'll see. If I don't hear from him by 8 it's booze time.

A little good news..I found out today that I'm traveling for work again in January. We are going to Florida! I'm from the cold northeast so this will be great. Hoping against hope there will be an hour or two for me to sneak away and be by the ocean. I crave the ocean so much, I dream of it. We'll see though. It's just gonna be me and my boss.

I feel like I'm gaining weight in my stomach. It's bothering me and I don't think it's all in my head. Drinking
+
Zero exercise
=
Fatty

Therefore, I pledge to GET MY ASS IN SHAPE. Hello 2016! Yes I still wear XS but that doesn't mean I don't have a gut. I need to look great especially since I'm single and turning 30 this year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVES!

Thanks for listening and being a decent part of my life. Be safe tonight! Think thin! Also, think positive! It really does help..

LOVE, PEACE, XO
~Sar~

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Headed to a party

It's Saturday night and I'm drinking a glass of wine listening to music getting ready and about to leave for a Christmas party! Gonna stop at the store and grab some chocolate covered popcorn first as a party gift. And some alcohol too obviously. I'm excited but tired, I could easily skip it but it's important for me to get off my butt and go socialize every once in awhile. I need to get out of my head.

I had a decent Christmas, didn't overeat but my pants feel tight today. Could all be in my head. I got some cool gifts including a kitchen food processer/blender. I'm going to make protein shakes with veggies and fruits etc. Trying to start getting more nutrients. I'm so damn tired all the time, and it's not just from the anemia. Still taking iron and my color is better but the fatigue is a burden.

Saw D. xmas eve we fucked as per tradition. 5 times last year 4 times this year. I have decided that whatever this is is working for me. I can't do super serious and responsible right now. I just need to get laid once in awhile and have someone to talk to. So I'm cool, for now.

Gotta go, will update again soon.

Peace, XO
Sar




Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity..

or don't, because as good as my intentions are I am one lazy motherfucker and would totally get it if you read that and said nice idea but fuck it.

Quarter to nine at night and I'm getting high. Went shopping with my mom after work. I picked out two sweaters for Christmas. She also got me a hat, scarf, and slippers.

I am trying to be in the spirit of things, but it is an effort. The weather has been unseasonably mild, which has been great, but usually around this time of year there is snow. It is a cue that the holidays are here.

Ah, 2015. I am glad you are coming to an end. My grandmother died last month. Two months ago my brother moved to California. I am officially the last sibling left in our area. The most intense complex and difficult relationship I've ever experienced recently ended. It has been a troubling year.

No New Years Eve plans...yet. We'll see what happens.

Yes, of course I have talked to D. since I last posted. We ended things but the conversation hasn't stopped. I should despise him, but I don't. I can't. He has said some cruel shit to me. And here I am, still hooked in a way. I am not being Sally Girlfriend to him but I am loyal to our non existent relationship and him. I haven't touched anyone else and have no plans to. I'm telling myself to keep an open mind. It's been stressful, needless to say. Some days are tearful, others destructive.

I haven't been taking the best care of myself. Eating like shit kind of and drinking wayy too much. Smoking both cigs and pot constantly. Spending money recklessly. Not exercising. Always exhausted. Abusing coffee.

My period was right on time this month. For a solid two weeks prior I was convinced that he knocked me up again. My boobs were killing me. Took a test, it was negative, I burst into tears.

I hoped it would be positive. The smallest tiniest voice in my soul wanted it and I could barely admit it to myself but I knew. I know me. I've wanted for months to redo my mistake. I want another chance.

THERE ARE NO SECOND CHANCES. You fucking idiot.

I did what I did and now I pay.

I can't hate myself forever but holy shit am I punishing myself and grieving like fucking crazy.
It was this time last year. I found out the day after Christmas.

So maybe that's why I don't feel too festive. It's just everything lately.

xx




Saturday, November 28, 2015

Hysterics and Thanksgiving part two

I finally bought myself a laptop. Brand new. On black friday for $150!!! Not bad, not bad. I am connected to my neighbor's wifi and getting used to the keys. It is working well so far.

It is one on saturday afternoon and I woke an hour ago. I have called D. approx 40 times and texted him like 28 times in the past hour. He sent me one text waking me up calling me names and that all was my response. Nothing back. His usual cruel games. We broke up so why do I keep falling for this shit???

I am supposed to be en route to my mom and dad's house but I haven't even showered. Like I said, been making a lot of hysteric calls, crying, smoking a cig outside in the chilly air, and drinking coffee. And now, blogging.

My parent's are having ANOTHER thanksgiving dinner for her side of the family today (we went to my dad's side on the actual holiday) so this basically means TWICE the family madness, TWICE the wine, TWICE the calories. Blah. I have been constantly full with all this family togetherness because my sister is also in town. We had spaghetti the other night, pizza last night, etc. I just gotta be strong and smart.

Maybe I gained a pound, maybe not. I'll hop on the scale when I get there today. I am still thin. I am not too worried. Just want some alone time with my new computer.

I gotta just breathe. And go get ready. Fuck I love when my sis is in town but it's 25 min to and from their house so a lot of driving and GOD KNOWS I am not sleeping there on the couch, even though it would be easier. Fuck it! I need to come back to my chill apt and blaze, man. Be back tonight. Have a good day, all!

I'm back bitches!!!!!


XO
Sar


Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Hello, old friend

I didn't bother to read my last post here. It was probably more of the same woe is me crap. Depression, anxiety, addiction, and heart break - same as it ever was. For the last time I am writing these words: me and D. are done. It is finally official. How am I feeling? Pretty alone, but pretty fucking fed up. Our relationship was shitty from the start, with good points scattered here and there. Those good times kept me going for 14 months, and now, to quote girls everywhere, "I can't even.".Of course I am hurting. I feel a raw dull ache deep inside. I feel alone. But I know I am not, really. I have friends, family, and coworkers who care. Hell, the patients that come to our office even care. Is it enough? We'll see.

Just smoked my first cigarette of the day. Sipping coffee, feeling my pulse quicken, my fingers are hesitant over the keys, as if I've never typed before. It's been far too long since I've blogged here, though I have been writing, in a notebook of all places.

Man it just sucks. All of it sometimes, being alive, being a woman, being single now. It is hard to believe that we will not work, that he is just a part of my past, a crappy chapter in the book of Sar. Hurting so much, fuck.

I wanted us to work. For awhile, after the abortion, I needed us to work. I could not let go of the fact that it was with him, that he was there for me during the months of complications, the months of me bitching and crying, the hell I put him through. My heart breaks thinking about it. THIS FUCKING BLOWS.

I have heard nothing from him since Monday night. This isn't new, he loves ignoring me. But this time there will be no billionth chance. I don't know how he is, and it's hard to stop myself from worrying and caring. The thing is, he doesn't care. He doesn't worry. He is not concerned if I am alive or dead. In fact, the last time we talked on the phone, he said he hopes I die.

Are there good men out there? Will I ever move on? Time will only tell.

I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry my blog sucks now. I feel like I'm a downer.

Good things, good things, happy thoughts, positive energy...um, let's see. I am still very thin. My thinnest since early high school. I am wearing juniors jeans, extra small tops. My boobs still look great. My face has aged but...HAPPY THOUGHTS ONLY SARAH. My hair is growing longer. I have made new friends this year, one GREAT friend, my neighbor Eva. She is AWESOME. We chill and talk and blaze so much. We play board games and watch movies with her son, who is adorable and gives me hugs every time he sees me.

I had a fire dream last night, my first in awhile. I got out though. I got my cat and I got out. My ptsd is a struggle but I am fighting it.

I need to end this, eat lunch, and go to the bank before work. I am just getting over being sick and my period, despite the heartache this is the best I've felt in a week.

My laptop died back in August so my dad gave me his ancient one to use. It's SLOW AS FUCK but hey, I'm blogging. I'm online. It's something, for now.

Hope all is well with you. I miss you. Take care, and stay strong. I'd love a comment, if you get the chance. Update me, send advice, anything. Please :-/

XO
Sar

Monday, August 31, 2015

Last day of the month

My cat knocked a full glass of ice water on my laptop and it's been dead ever since. Typing this at work.

I miss blogging. I have had such a busy summer and my coping skills still suck. I feel that I've put on five or six pounds and look disgusting. Things with D. are still off and on. Our one year "anniversary" was last week. He choked me lightly during sex the other day. I sometimes long to die. I keep waiting for him to save me.

I need a new laptop, to renew my license (my birthday is this week), to go clothes shopping, to clean and organize my life, to stop smoking cigarettes and weed. I need everything good for me right now but I'm treating myself like shit.

I hate myself too much. I am starting to hate my job. I don't know what to do. I am about to be 29 years old and it almost feels like I'm regressing back into a child. I can't handle any criticism. I have lost touch with important friends. I have lost my spirituality.

Help me Sarah, you're the only one who can.

Until next time...

xo

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Sirens of Your Toxic Spirit

I AM A FUCKING MESS!!!

Now that that is out of the way: ok. I am home from work and the weekend is here and mine. I'm drinking a beer. SO MANY PEOPLE are commenting on my weight loss, including, most recently today..my boss. He is a doctor and asked if I am losing weight in a "healthy way". I blamed it on the abortion, stress, being poor. Everything but the cigarettes and weed and desire to be thin that I've battled for over a decade.

Truth: I am the thinnest I've been since early high school. Not gonna lie, I look great. I am thin. I have what we want. I didn't have to puke, or starve for days. I just stopped binging and kept up the "I want to be thin" mindset so much that it became a lifestyle. Truth: I eat whatever the fuck I want. Pizza. Chocolate. Sandwiches. Chocolate. Whatever the fuck I want. Just not a lot. I get full super easy.

My relationship with D. has been so fucked. On, off, on, off, on, off. Fuck. Fight. Love. Etc. It is mentally and emotionally exhausting but I am completely dependent on his love and validation. I have stopped recognizing myself. I do not know how to be without him. Whenever I think I can, he squirms back into my good graces and I fall, helplessly, back into his strong arms. I fucking love him. I want us so bad. I keep screwing up though, and showing my crazy. Looking back over the year, I have fucked up more times than not. I have been jealous, insecure, horrible, accusatory, and cryptic; I've lied, held back, told half truths and done whatever the hell I want while always making sure he did what I want. Essentially I tried to make him my bitch. It did not work. All I've done is rub my depression off on him. And I do feel guilt.

Work is ok. I am bored by my job and resentful of my boss's success. He makes a lot of money and pays me low, offering no benefits. If I'm honest with myself there are perks though. We've traveled (once). He has given me different projects which have definitely enhanced my experience. He has bought me lunch and brought me breakfast soo many times. It's been a year now. I will try to stay for at least six more months. I feel that familiar restless itch, which makes me switch jobs and move so much, but perhaps the itch is me. In me. My inward battle of the self.

I'm on beer number two and about to blaze. Talk later. Love and Peace.

xx,
Sar

Friday, June 19, 2015

Friday daze

The weekend is here! I have had a decent day. Took a walk with my friend and her dog. Went to the bank and grocery store. Had some delicious ice cream and a toke. The evening hour is nigh. I'm back in pjs. No plans but if someone comes at me with something I'd consider getting dressed and going out.

I'm surprisingly calm even though me and D. did another get together - break up this past week. At this point I am numb. I barely cried this time. We were texting a little today. He is weird. He says he wants a breakup but he comes back constantly. I don't get it.

Work had been going ok but I screwed up the other day. Long story, costly mistake. Still not entirely sure how it all happened, just apologized and took the blame. Luckily my boss is super cool.

I've been eating a lot.I still look thin though.

I do miss D. but we've reached the point of no return. There is no way in hell we will be able to repair us without considerable time apart, maturity and reflection. I don't know. It's not up to me I guess. We are either meant to be or not. Trying to worry about me. Fix me.

Too high to write. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

xo
Sar

Saturday, June 6, 2015

My laptop is my friend

Saturday morning and I'm blazing and drinking coffee, making ambitious plans for the day in my head, sitting all curled up so my legs cramp. I had reached a total and complete new low level of loathing for my self. I have been trying mantras...I am loved, I am healthy, I am wealthy. I start saying it when the negative self talk becomes too unbearable. It is a weight pressing down on my chest, sometimes it's hard to breathe.

I have no food here. My cat does not have food. I need to go to the store. I am going shortly. Just wanted to write a bit.

Saw some old friends last night. I felt so lonely in their presence. Like I didn't fit in, or belong. I am different now, I realize that. I am noticeably thin and withdrawn. Forced smiles and laughs. I was not present, I was either buried in the past or floating in the future or tied to my worries and imagination. I suck sometimes.

I am so fucking addicted to weed it is taking over my life.

Found a new therapist and went for my initial visit. Don't go back for two weeks since he's going on vacation. Looking forward to continuing weekly sessions if my insurance allows. Speaking of insurance they sent a "wellness card" that I can use for massage therapy, supplements, etc. Looking forward to getting my first ever massage. 

It's crazy getting older, seeing the changes in my skin and the grays in my hair.

I have seen D. a couple times. My period came which means my body is FINALLY back to normal working order. This was my first period since November, before I was pregnant. Jesus. It's so wild saying that.

I am going to try and stop smoking weed, just as soon as this bag runs out.
I have to try. I have to do it. I live in a perpetual haze and I'm sick of it, I need to see who I am underneath this shit. I miss me and am curious about her, how she's doing without the drugs.

I ate a lot last night at my friend's house. We ordered out, and I've been kind of regretting it even though I'm basically starving again and still look thin. I got a whole eggplant parmesan sub. I ate half at a time but finished it except for a small bite at the end. It was a large sub roll, battered eggplant, mozzarella, marinara sauce, spices. It was good but SO UNHEALTHY. I don't know what I was thinking. Ugh. 

Then after a blunt we all had a small ice cream cone.  Then I had a handful of popcorn! Plus wine!!!

But it's ok. Because I can really eat whatever the fuck I want. The truth of the matter is I just don't eat enough and it keeps me small. All of my friends are fatter than me. Which is bitchy to say but the truth.. 

Well that was weird, my phone just rang. It was a friend I haven't talked to in awhile and I'm feeling relaxed and open so I answered. Said "hello hello?". Nothing, I could hear that I was in a pocket or a purse. Butt - dialed. All of a sudden she picks up saying "I'm so sorry didn't mean to call you! Great to hear you but I didn't mean to call.".

Of course not. Ugh I'm just feeling sensitive. We talked for a second and got off the phone, she was out of breath, about to drive to another city. I can't take it personal. It's not like I call her. I isolate myself so pointing fingers is pretty fucking weak.

Ttyl, blogger.
Peace and love,
Sar*


Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Thoughts

Weighed in twice now at 120. Guess that's my new weight. I am thin. I am not particularly happy or any which way about it. I am turned off by how baggy all of my clothes are. It makes me look bigger than I am to wear baggy clothes. I need to go shopping so bad for work clothes but I can't seem to make myself. It is a mix between sheer exhaustion and nervous about spending money. Silly reasons huh. I'm a girl, I should love to shop.

D. and I are still off. Shit got better, briefly...then very bad. The cops were involved. It sucked but no charges or anything, just warnings. I have been on tinder, a dating app for your phone. I chat with a couple dudes, one more than most. Nothing serious and half of my heart (honestly) still belongs to D.

I am playing with fire is how it feels. D. and I had unprotected sex several times in the last few weeks and now I am waiting again for my period to come. It is supposedly coming next week-ish. There is no way in fuck I am pregnant again. If it happens...well. No. I refuse to think about it right now. No need to stress myself out. Fingers fucking crossed though. It's funny how, after everything, the months of bleeding, etc..how I could be hoping for the blood. Life is weird. Hope so bad I'm just being paranoid.

Still smoking bundles of weed and cigs. Insurance again soon and I'm ready to get back in therapy. I need it.

Work is going well. I've had some fun times with friends. Bridal showers and weddings to go to this summer. My hair is growing out a bit. I've lost thirty freaking pounds. Needless to say, this may be the best I've looked in quite awhile. I was looking at some older pics of myself. From like two to five years ago. I was definitely heavier and very clearly needed to lose weight. I think that is partly why it shed off so fast too. I have always been thin, tall and thin. Skinny as a kid. Stick girl they called me in middle school. This may just be my natural body type.

Let's be real here too, I have had a pro ana and mia mindset for EVER. At some point that shit sticks. It changed the way I look at food, how I think about it, my portions, my restaurant ordering, eating with a significant other or friends, what I buy, what I "don't eat", what I "crave"...it goes on and on. It's everything and for me I have just accepted that I will never "binge" (like I was doing) again. I will CERTAINLY never throw up again. That was too awful.

I'm at my happy weight. 120. Not bad.

xx

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Fuck this

Well, Me and D. are done again. WEIRD RIGHT? That relationship is so fucking toxic. I need to be strong enough to walk away for real. Every time this has happened I've pathetically contacted him over and over begging him to see my worth, saying I miss and love you, blah blah blah. Well not this time. Fuck him. I need some fucking space.