well hello

well hello

November 20, 2014

Snowvember

What is going on with reality? My life has stopped making sense. I am listening to Phish. My boyfriend is verbally abusive, immature, fragile, and doesn't trust me at all. In his words, he "trusts me not to give a fuck". Ouch.

My hands are cold. My stomach is nauseous. I've smoked half a pack of cigarettes after over a month without. I can't eat.

I can sleep but I keep getting interrupted by my downstairs neighbor who works until close at a bar (4am) then comes home loud, drunk, and usually with a dude. So I've been waking at dawn and being unable to fall back asleep some nights because of her ignorance.

It makes me want to move. Everything makes me want to move.

I have stopped writing, stopped practicing guitar, stopped caring about anything but the drama with my boyfriend. It's weird because I realize it but I do nothing to change. I'm comfortable using him as a distraction. It takes the focus off me and my loser life.

Alright, I'm not a loser but I am making $12/hour, socially awkward, and barely hang out with anyone anymore. I am for the most part ok with this. However I do see that in comparison to others I am lacking: cool hobbies, defined talents, money, material items, marriage, babies...the list goes on.

My hobby is reading. Nerd hobby.
My defined talent? Meh, hard worker? Good at giving head? Keeping plants and a cat (and myself) alive? God I am lame.

When I take a closer look at myself I see that I am shallow, self righteous, judgmental, temperamental. I see the bad.

I need to remember how to be the light, see the light, be at peace.
I need to start praying again. Or something.
I have become stuck. I want to be released.

_____________________________________________________

I am looking quite thin. 5 foot 8 and 135 pounds. This is a good weight for me. My arms and legs look smaller. My ribs and hipbones stick out and I have a bony clavicle and defined cheekbones. I am unstable - smoking - eating a spoonful of crunchy peanut butter (just one, cannot swallow - thanks anxiety!). I need to end this post.

Peace,
Sarah

November 11, 2014

Tex

Where do I even start?

I just got back from San Antonio, Texas for a sweet business trip. Had my own hotel room and the opportunity to learn a lot, it was great. What I've always wanted.

D. and I ended up making it a "break". If break means talking every day all day. We haven't seen each other in over a week, since before my trip. He is making it pretty clear that he would like to see me. I am undecided. I am indifferent.

Things were messed up between us but the space hasn't exactly helped. I am open to seeing him but nervous that I'll mess up hardcore and hurt him.

I am doing ok. As ok as could be. Work is going well. Had fun in another state. I've kept the weight off, give or take a pound. Haven't weighed. Going to wait a couple weeks to weigh again, to make sure I'm maintaining.

I gave in and bought some pot. Blazing and being lazy tonight. Have a good one.

~Sar

November 3, 2014

Distraught

I'm down 14 pounds. Just broke up with D. Fuck my fucking life.

October 8, 2014

Needy

Oh you guys, why am I so lost and confused? After work (it was already dark) I grabbed my pepper spray and walked a couple blocks to a bar. I chugged two beers. Now I'm sitting here stressing and obsessing. The alcohol was supposed to help. I'm smoking, which is also supposed to help. Nothing helps.

I can't even break "the dealio" down into a nutshell, as much as I want to. Things with D. are as varied as ever. We have a solid week of goodness, and then a few awkward ass days and nights. He is going through a tough time. His cat ran away over a week ago and he took a nail to the head at work. I am needy as fuck and losing my shit over the space and distance he has placed between us. I try to understand that this is how he deals. Except...it doesn't quite work. I am not able to understand why he doesn't need me.

My hair is fucked. I hate my fucking hair.

I have largely ignored this blog because I've been obsessed with D. I fancied myself falling in love. The harsh reality is that it's too soon for that.

Music helps though. I do love music. Currently listening to Guster - Satellite.

Work is fine just not enough hours or money it seems. I am consistently broke and barely managing to pay all of my bills. I need work clothes and new glasses yesterday. I need to go to the dentist. I need to take my cat for a check up (it's been a couple years).

*heavy sigh*

It will all work out. Que sera sera.

Xo
-s

September 26, 2014

I analyze

I was alone in the office yesterday so I weighed myself on the digital scale. I am officially down ten pounds since April (last time I was weighed for a physical). Unbelievably happy about that. I knew I had lost but I didn't know how much. *smiles*

My appetite has just been...gone. I know why too. Part of it is being so poor. I don't/can't spend a lot of money on food. When your shelves are stocked with canned goods and your fridge holds american cheese and bread and your freezer has frozen vegetables it's like what the fuck, I don't want any of this.

So I just...don't.

On the other hand is my roller coaster relationship. Yes, the fights have continued to the point of us almost ending it. Did I mention to you guys that I had been skipping therapy? Well, it affected me big time and I have spent the past couple weeks dumping so much shit on my man. Anger, jealousy, insecurity, etc.

Thankfully I realized I needed to see my therapist asap and went twice in the past week. I was able to analyze my *fucked up* behavior for two helpful hours. Can I apply what I learned? Time will tell.

Gotta believe in myself. This isn't my first rodeo. It feels like it though. I am all butterfingers and awkwardness. I am holding back and being inauthentic as a weak attempt to avoid vulnerability. The problem is, relationships require it. I am desperately afraid of putting my heart on the line. Afraid of what, you ask? Getting hurt. Lame, huh?

To break it down further, it seems that I avoid pain/discomfort. Hence, the heavy marijuana use and isolation from people who could potentially harm me.

The solution? Stay. In. Therapy. Do some thinking, walking, and drinking. Love myself. Trust D. with my heart. It'll either work out or it won't but if I don't get a handle on the fights I start then I will be alone for real.

PTSD is a motherfucker.

Think thin, loves.

xx
Sar

September 17, 2014

The seventeenth

I'm the thinnest I've been in awhile. I don't know if it's the love, sex, or all the fighting. My appetite has changed. I no longer feel the need to binge, ever. Even on those rare occasions (period, bad feelings, drunk, etc) I've been able to hold back. It's a good thing.

I haven't weighed myself in ages. I have no clue how much I've lost but I'll say almost ten pounds.

Today: three peanut butter crackers. coffee. water.

My face is starting to look thinner and more defined. My boyfriend plays with my bones. Last night at the concert he was tap tap tapping on my hipbones while standing behind me and swaying to the music.

I have not confided in him about my ednos. If the opportunity comes up I may. However, as I mentioned briefly, we have been fighting. It's mostly me and the fucking ptsd/depression, pushing him away, saying stupid shit and regretting it instantly, etc. But he definitely throws it back.

I hope we can work it out.

Winter is coming, normally a time of eating and being lazy and gaining weight. Not this year. Not ever.

Peace, loves.

September 7, 2014

Rock me baby

Think I'm in love and the sex is out of this world amazing.
Feeling thinner than ever.
Life is good.
xo

September 3, 2014

September

Tomorrow is my birthday. Not surprisingly, I am depressed.

Things with D. have been going so well. I am currently telling him I don't want to see him tomorrow and he is understandably confused.

It's times like this, when I've sunk down so low, that I really and truly despise myself. I give in to this shit and feel unable to shove my way out.

I was scheduled for therapy this morning, my usual Wednesday. Guess what I did...completely blew it off. Didn't call, didn't show. I've been kicking myself all day. I feel so guilty. In my mind is a major red flag. I wouldn't go discuss some of the feelings I've had lately. I refused. This is not good.

The truth is that she's getting too close. I am amazed by my subconscious and how it works. I am trying to push her away. It is hurting me to do this. My therapist didn't do anything wrong but I punished her.

I feel psychotic.


August 24, 2014

Could this be love?

Sooo in an awesomely unexpected turn of events, me and tinder guy are "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend. We had the "talk" last night, after an amazing, day-long date. He brought it up.

I know, I know. You're like..but Sar, weren't you guys fighting? Well yeah, but I have ptsd and fight with everyone. He is the first guy in FOREVER I've trusted enough to talk about it with.

Last weekend was a game changer for us. After the fight I believe I blogged about (which wasn't so much a fight, but a texted miscommunication) I took matters into my own hands. I went over there and we talked and just held each other. It was such a nice closeness.

Bringing it back to the present, yesterday he came here and we went to the art festival, then an hour long walk down this long ass pier in my city, then back to my place for cuddles and talking, then dinner, then a drink, then back to my place. *swoons* We were making out and it was getting hot and of course I'm on my period so no sex. I did see his dick and. it's. HUGE.

Oh my god. Is this real?????

He said, are you my girlfriend? I went mute haha. But yeah, so that's what's up.
We just click. We have great chemistry. We laugh. We hold hands. We have fun. This is a breath of fresh fucking air.

___________

Today is Sunday. I just woke up. We are hanging out again!!! :-) I am having some coffee and then getting ready and going there for some canoeing and then a free show by his place!!

I couldn't even sleep last night. I couldn't eat yesterday. I starved all day. On purpose, duh. I have been keeping my weight in check and losing a little. He thinks my body is perfect. He literally said that.

For blog purposes I must give him a name. I can't keep calling him tinder guy. OK. From here on out, he is D.

*sigh*

I'm on cloud 9.

Welcome, new follower!! And thanks for the comment.

xxooo
Sar

August 17, 2014

Unspeakably depressed

I'm not sure how everything got so messed up. Things with tinder guy have boiled over. We fight way too much. Can you believe that? We've been talking for a month, chilled twice, yet we...fight? Too much, too soon, and it's sad. I was really feeling it for him but we clearly bring out each other's nasty sides. Needless to say, we did not get together thursday as planned. It's a long ass story. Blame it on me.

I had a tough week. That is, I had a good week on the surface, but mentally I was a mess. The other day I woke from a flashback nightmare about the fire. I jumped up out of bed, literally gasping for air, clutching my chest. My heart was FLYING. I could not calm down. It was terrifying. It started my weekend off on an incredibly unstable note. I smoked to dull the pain. I ate a bunch of shit. I grew depressed as the hours passed.

I am pathetic still. I see and feel myself pushing everyone away, just everyone. Door shutting over my face and locking. Guard up, intact, impenetrable. I can't seem to change this. Maybe I don't really want to.

I hate this.

-s

August 11, 2014

Compared to the morbidly obese, you are thin

Why did I just binge the weekend away? Oh right, I'm unnaturally obsessed with stalking tinder guy. I added him to a 'close friends' list on facebook. Now I can see his every (public) move. My day hinges on that. Did he become "friends" with girls? Check yes and binge on burrito. Did he add pictures of girls? Check yes and binge on devil's food cookies.

I am DISGUSTING and PATHETIC and I HATE myself for allowing my self worth to depend upon his social media moves/amount of communication with me.

He's not a terrible person, guys. He's one of those people who constantly adds stuff/updates his page. I am not like this. He is my opposite astrologically as well.

We have chilled twice. He gave me flowers. We have plans this week. I think he's just very popular, with both sexes. Again, this is the opposite of me. I do not have many friends.

He's 33 but I don't know if he's looking for a relationship. I do know he has a five week trip to South America coming up this winter. So wherever our relationship is at that point...well I'll cross that road when I get there. Needless to say...I am confused.

But yes, sadly, it was a binge weekend. I can't blame tinder guy completely. I blame myself for being weak, addicted, insecure. I am so addicted to weed. I told my therapist I wouldn't smoke every day. I told her I wouldn't smoke on the nights before work. I'm a big fat liar. Ever since I bought the bag (ended up getting eighth off J for $40 not $60 haha) I've been on a blazing bender.

Deep breaths. All is not lost. I took a 90 minute sweaty walk yesterday morning, which was much needed. Didn't clear the old head, though. The only thing that will clear my head at this point is abstaining from drugs for days. Not sure if I'm up for that challenge.

I need to be STRONGER. Where has my discipline gone?? I went to the dollar store, of all places, for cat litter last night and of course I bought a bag of candy. SO SAD.

I woke up this morning feeling restless, uncomfortable in my skin, and in a bad mood. It is the start of a new week and I cannot feel like this a moment longer. A plan, Sar, you need a plan/purpose/refocus.

Without further ado:

I am going to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Tinder guy and I are still talking. He hasn't given me a direct reason not to trust him. My thoughts are coming only from my interpretation of his facebook. I believe he is a good person who is not trying to fuck with me.

I am going to RESTRICT today and eat HEALTHY for the rest of the week. I have food here so NO store visits.

I am going to continue getting to sleep at a decent hour because it really helps me on these early mornings.

________________

I actually got a lot done this weekend, despite the binges. I made some important calls, deposited checks in bank, payed some bills, did some organizing/cleaning.

You are not a perfect person Sarah. That is ok though. You are human, finite, and beautiful. Compared to the morbidly obese, you are thin. You have plans this week. You have a life. You will be ok.

xo

July 26, 2014

What would Lana do?

I need to get this down. I met a guy on tinder, of all places. We have a similar circle of friends. I like him already but we have never met. We were going to tonight but there was some miscommunication and plans shifted and it got really late. So I'm sitting here drinking alone.

The new job is going well. I "called in" to my other part time job this evening (actually emailed) because I was so keyed up and nervous about meeting him. I don't think it was a good idea to not work because I need the money desperately and my landlord called tonight for rent. He sounded angry. Shit.

My thoughts are scattered. I'm going to chug this beer. Guess I can't write after all.

July 21, 2014

Mind time traveling

Sitting here close to midnight alone and contemplative. Tomorrow is the first day of my new job. Why do I feel scared to wake up so early? It's like I don't think I can handle waking at the crack of dawn, just because it's been awhile and I'm up late. My fears befuddle me.

I will get up and go, start this new chapter with a smile and ambition. I can do this. I can stick this out. I can commit.

I have changed jobs so many times. I have had a million first days.

Keeping my part time job for as long as I can to catch up financially. I plan to save some money and take a weekend trip as soon as possible. I have Fridays off at my new job, plus the weekend obviously. Sucks for money purposes (hence why I'm keeping second job) but it's AWESOME. Who am I kidding?

I don't mind working two jobs for a bit longer. Staying busy keeps me less dependent upon the attention of boys. Not talking really to anyone at the moment. You know how it changes fast though...

I feel like I ate a lot today. I am too grossed out to list it all. I didn't binge, just ate a little too much and I want to walk for ten miles but it's night and I am not walking alone in this city after dark. Excuses?

I'll make up for it tomorrow, I promise. I will restrict during the day (at work) and at night I'll stay strong. Let my eyes linger on the prize.

I did some cleaning today and took myself shopping. I haven't been clothes shopping in months. I bought four shirts on a store charge card. The total was about $60. No, I should not have spent the money but they were on sale and are all work-wearable and guess what chicken butt - it was needed. I'm working in a ritzier suburban area and need to dress the part want to fit in. I'll pay it off next month.

Rewinding time to Saturday night...I went to my neighbor's and partied it up. Wine, weed, blow. Just a little bit. I know, I'm bad. Needless to say I was up until about 6:30AM and could not sleep in. I forgot how it effects me. I was tired all day and today as well.

Smoking gave me a jolt and my nerves are back for tomorrow. Deep breath. I can do this. I know I can. I love a challenge! I long for work and a paycheck. I have accomplished my goal! I have successfully bounced out of underemployment. I saved myself! I will no longer be broke. I will have a routine. I will discover new parts of myself. I will not gain weight. I will maintain or lose...there's really no other acceptable option.

Everything I tried on today fit. I did not have to exchange sizes. It felt good to feel sort of thin. Must stay strong.

Gotta finish this pipe and hit the hay. Going to take on tomorrow with confidence. Have a great day!!

xo
Sar