Hey strangers.
It's been two weeks. I am still hurting but it has lessened. We haven't spoke in a few days, thank God, because the talking and texting after the fact was delaying me moving the hell on. This morning I woke and he wasn't my first thought. That sounds like progress.
Speaking of progress, my weight is down again. Yay! Actually not yay because my clothes are too loose! I want to look good, not like a bag lady, and yet I have no patience to shop. Also no extra money.
So saggy bottoms it is, for now.
I just wanted to update. More later.
-S.
April 30, 2013
April 14, 2013
April 9, 2013
RX
Today is my third day off work, I am sick as a dog. I have no health insurance, but I went to the Doctor and received a prescription for an antibiotic. It's time to take care of myself.
My bank account is dwindling but I won't give up. I just spent a ton of money on medicine, orange juice, kleenex, etc. And some new work shoes. I spend what I want when I want but realistically I need to save. Rent is not cheap. I can get through these tough times. A raise would help.
I love living on my own. My apartment is cute, but my forehead breakout is not. The stress of being sick lately has been a huge burden to bear and the physical effects (breaking out and not getting better after weeks) are enough to make me dream about death.
Things with J. go from being awesome to being so darn precarious. We both fight dirty. We are both still trying. I do love him, even if we haven't "said" it. I want to be with him forever but it will take work from us both. He helps me in so many ways, like bringing me a couch on Sunday. Or when he says "anything for you" and I think he means it.
~~~~~
I stopped at my parent's house (no one is home) to do some online bill paying. Figured I'd check in with you pretty people. Having the internet at my place is not out of reach, but it may not happen for another month (or two).
My weight is ok, perhaps not as low as last time. But still low. And clothes are baggy. I like being thin and will always strive to stay skinny. I just look better bony.
How are you? Anyone watch Mad Men? Is it warming up where you are? The weather has been COLD but we are slowly getting some Spring relief. Until next time...
XO
~Sar
My bank account is dwindling but I won't give up. I just spent a ton of money on medicine, orange juice, kleenex, etc. And some new work shoes. I spend what I want when I want but realistically I need to save. Rent is not cheap. I can get through these tough times. A raise would help.
I love living on my own. My apartment is cute, but my forehead breakout is not. The stress of being sick lately has been a huge burden to bear and the physical effects (breaking out and not getting better after weeks) are enough to make me dream about death.
Things with J. go from being awesome to being so darn precarious. We both fight dirty. We are both still trying. I do love him, even if we haven't "said" it. I want to be with him forever but it will take work from us both. He helps me in so many ways, like bringing me a couch on Sunday. Or when he says "anything for you" and I think he means it.
~~~~~
I stopped at my parent's house (no one is home) to do some online bill paying. Figured I'd check in with you pretty people. Having the internet at my place is not out of reach, but it may not happen for another month (or two).
My weight is ok, perhaps not as low as last time. But still low. And clothes are baggy. I like being thin and will always strive to stay skinny. I just look better bony.
How are you? Anyone watch Mad Men? Is it warming up where you are? The weather has been COLD but we are slowly getting some Spring relief. Until next time...
XO
~Sar
April 2, 2013
March 24, 2013
I woke up and lit a cigarette
I've missed Blogger!!! I have my neighbor's internet for two seconds at a time so let's see if this post will save!
HOW ARE YOU?
I am doing good, I've lost so much weight in the past few weeks. All of my clothes are baggy. I'm wearing jeans that I bought after the fire - jeans so small because I lost a bunch of weight then. They look damn good on me too. I went shopping and a size four was way too big, so I'm a two. That's one size from zero and it's a little thrilling!
Besides the weight, I am liking my new place! It is super cute but small and sparsely furnished! It is great being back on my own and I can honestly say I don't even miss my family. Sometimes I feel lonely though, like right now.
Things with J. haven't been the best. The distance is a great deal of our problem (I am about 30 minutes away now) but I have been so damn insecure lately. So. Damn. Insecure. about our relationship. Last night he chose to go out with friends instead of come see me, granted I was drinking with my friend prior to the conversation..but STILL. I asked him to call me when he got home, did he call? Nope.
Needless to say I woke up with that stupid feeling in my stomach, that feeling of impending doom and super insecurity and the NEED for reassurance, but I just don't have it. We are texting a little and all he can say is "sorry, you should've came with us".
The problem is that I was stoned. My friend and I smoked so much on top of the wine, and I wasn't up for it. Stupid, huh? I want to call him, or text him back, but I just...can't.
I will wait for him to reach out again. He works this afternoon so we shall see. I should probably note that we almost broke up this week. Over my shit, I accused him of flirting with a friend and he hated it. I know rationally that he wasn't, but again, the combo of alcohol and weed makes me crazy.
Seeing a pattern here? I am hooked on substances and freaking the fuck out on him. I had therapy yesterday (thankfully) and discussed this. Not so much the substances part, but the fight. My therapist says I am immature. Interesting, right? Well I guess I am.
I'm only 26! And yet there is this huge part of me that wants to grow UP and get married and have kids but I suppose I won't be ready for that for awhile...
Work is going good, very busy. I miss internet access so much. I miss tv. But I have my freedom.
XO
~Sar
HOW ARE YOU?
I am doing good, I've lost so much weight in the past few weeks. All of my clothes are baggy. I'm wearing jeans that I bought after the fire - jeans so small because I lost a bunch of weight then. They look damn good on me too. I went shopping and a size four was way too big, so I'm a two. That's one size from zero and it's a little thrilling!
Besides the weight, I am liking my new place! It is super cute but small and sparsely furnished! It is great being back on my own and I can honestly say I don't even miss my family. Sometimes I feel lonely though, like right now.
Things with J. haven't been the best. The distance is a great deal of our problem (I am about 30 minutes away now) but I have been so damn insecure lately. So. Damn. Insecure. about our relationship. Last night he chose to go out with friends instead of come see me, granted I was drinking with my friend prior to the conversation..but STILL. I asked him to call me when he got home, did he call? Nope.
Needless to say I woke up with that stupid feeling in my stomach, that feeling of impending doom and super insecurity and the NEED for reassurance, but I just don't have it. We are texting a little and all he can say is "sorry, you should've came with us".
The problem is that I was stoned. My friend and I smoked so much on top of the wine, and I wasn't up for it. Stupid, huh? I want to call him, or text him back, but I just...can't.
I will wait for him to reach out again. He works this afternoon so we shall see. I should probably note that we almost broke up this week. Over my shit, I accused him of flirting with a friend and he hated it. I know rationally that he wasn't, but again, the combo of alcohol and weed makes me crazy.
Seeing a pattern here? I am hooked on substances and freaking the fuck out on him. I had therapy yesterday (thankfully) and discussed this. Not so much the substances part, but the fight. My therapist says I am immature. Interesting, right? Well I guess I am.
I'm only 26! And yet there is this huge part of me that wants to grow UP and get married and have kids but I suppose I won't be ready for that for awhile...
Work is going good, very busy. I miss internet access so much. I miss tv. But I have my freedom.
XO
~Sar
March 2, 2013
On the move
MOVING DAY is here. I'm running on no sleep and caffeine, and feeling mighty thin! Hope this goes smooth today! I will update as soon as possible! Thanks for the internet service advice loves! PEACE!
February 25, 2013
Let the Sunshine in
That glorious moment in the dressing room with a couple pairs of pants, sizes two and four. They both fit. I go with the four because the size twos remind me of leggings, they cling to my leg fat. Leg fat? Girl you fit in a size two. That's one size away from zero.
I weigh less and look thinner. I'm in my high school weight range. Interesting. The correlation between starting my job and losing the weight is somewhat clear, though I've been on this journey for awhile.
There are two women at my work. They are so unbelievably thin. They are thinspiration, so close, five days a week. I wonder if they notice me.
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I weigh less and look thinner. I'm in my high school weight range. Interesting. The correlation between starting my job and losing the weight is somewhat clear, though I've been on this journey for awhile.
There are two women at my work. They are so unbelievably thin. They are thinspiration, so close, five days a week. I wonder if they notice me.
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I'm moving in four days. I am about a quarter of the way packed. I'm SO excited!
I won't have internet for awhile, which seriously sucks. I have no idea how to get it, it's always been included with my rent in apartments prior. Any advice on this?
J. and I continue to see each other. Things are going good and I have hope that this could last. He visited me at work on my lunch break today and brought a single red rose. He asked me if I knew what it meant. I said no. It means true love. To me, it is just a flower. If you love me, J., tell me.
Thank you, Miranda, for the sweet comment about my big move. You and I could be kindred spirits.
It's almost midnight, and I have to wake at six. Good night.
XO
Sar
February 20, 2013
Trippy Music miX + Some Good News
Hello, I haven't properly updated this blog lately.
Edit - 10 min. later:
I'm sitting at my desk, high as a k i t e . . .
I had therapy to attend tonight after work (thankfully, I do depend on it once a month to keep my "sanity").
I left my house at 7:30AM, had a 45 minute commute, worked for 8 busy hours, drove about 50 minutes to my therapist's office, vented and cried a bit, drove 25 minutes home in the snow and watched my gas tank slowly empty. More money. Long day. Too much damn time in the car.
Work was stressful, with two meetings and some drama. We're a bunch of women, what could I expect? You can tell when one of us is on the rag, that's for damn sure.
I don't mean that in a negative way, it's just scientifically interesting to me.
And annoying, of course.
Especially when bitches be stunting!
...and they are such thin bitches. I absolutely aspire to have the one girl's body. She is my same age but taller and thinner. Her body is amazing. So. beautifully. thin. She looks fragile but strong, accomplished...
I'm thirsty for more water. But I don't want to leave this bedroom.
Wow, almost forgot to tell you. I'm moving out next weekend!! Say whattt?!? I'm thrilled!
Told ya I'd make it happen! Thank the good Lord for tax$ money!
I'm moving to the city! In an up and coming "city village" area, with shops and restaurants and sweet parks! But there is crime in the surrounding areas so I'm going to get a bat!
I'm going to wear my brave face, don't want to be messed with in the streets!
Anyway, it's a little one bedroom, all wood floors and upstairs with some windows! Hellz yeah, stair climbing! Working those calves! INDEPENDENCE IS MINE!!
It's a little costly, approximately half of my monthly income, but I'm hoping for the best! I am decent with money and have made a budget! Everything should work out fine, I've done this before - I CAN do it again!
OMG I cannot wait to be out of my parent's house!
I haven't weighed myself in a week, if you can believe that! So I am not sure if I have continued to lose, but I'm going to say that yes I have! Feeling and thinking thin everyday!
PeAcE oUt*~
xo
Sar
Edit - 10 min. later:
I'm sitting at my desk, high as a k i t e . . .
I had therapy to attend tonight after work (thankfully, I do depend on it once a month to keep my "sanity").
I left my house at 7:30AM, had a 45 minute commute, worked for 8 busy hours, drove about 50 minutes to my therapist's office, vented and cried a bit, drove 25 minutes home in the snow and watched my gas tank slowly empty. More money. Long day. Too much damn time in the car.
Work was stressful, with two meetings and some drama. We're a bunch of women, what could I expect? You can tell when one of us is on the rag, that's for damn sure.
I don't mean that in a negative way, it's just scientifically interesting to me.
And annoying, of course.
Especially when bitches be stunting!
...and they are such thin bitches. I absolutely aspire to have the one girl's body. She is my same age but taller and thinner. Her body is amazing. So. beautifully. thin. She looks fragile but strong, accomplished...
I'm thirsty for more water. But I don't want to leave this bedroom.
Wow, almost forgot to tell you. I'm moving out next weekend!! Say whattt?!? I'm thrilled!
Told ya I'd make it happen! Thank the good Lord for tax$ money!
I'm moving to the city! In an up and coming "city village" area, with shops and restaurants and sweet parks! But there is crime in the surrounding areas so I'm going to get a bat!
I'm going to wear my brave face, don't want to be messed with in the streets!
Anyway, it's a little one bedroom, all wood floors and upstairs with some windows! Hellz yeah, stair climbing! Working those calves! INDEPENDENCE IS MINE!!
It's a little costly, approximately half of my monthly income, but I'm hoping for the best! I am decent with money and have made a budget! Everything should work out fine, I've done this before - I CAN do it again!
OMG I cannot wait to be out of my parent's house!
I haven't weighed myself in a week, if you can believe that! So I am not sure if I have continued to lose, but I'm going to say that yes I have! Feeling and thinking thin everyday!
PeAcE oUt*~
xo
Sar
Stay strong always for the health of it.
Oh, who am I kidding?
_
Do it for thin.
Control in the kitchen.
Control in the car.
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February 14, 2013
February 4, 2013
Don't kill yourself
Another day, another death to find out about. The more people you know, the more loss you'll feel, the more sorrow. Another wake on Thursday and I need to be there, and my brother, and my friends...to celebrate the life of someone who commit suicide.
I say on here a lot of things. I say I hate life. I say I wish I was dead. I am reckless with drinking and drugs and driving. Sometimes I want to hurt myself or someone else.
But when it comes down to it...when shit really hits the fan, I know that I could never do it. I wouldn't want to. I fear death.
Rest in Peace Marty. What the fuck (as my eyes tear up again). WHY? A gunshot to the face at a party in front of people? I am mad and sad and horrified. I ache, especially for those closest to him.
~~~~~~
I binged on Sunday. I ate 2500 calories, haven't done that in ages. I've been averaging like 800 a day. But I woke yesterday in self destruct mode. I felt like crap, physically and mentally about it. Today was a fresh start though. I've ate healthily. No ice cream. No pizza. Yes, on Sunday I had both.
Don't get it twisted, I am determined to finish what I started here. I am going to continue to lose weight. I am going to continue working out, burning those calories at the gym and in the bedroom. ;-)
Tomorrow I am going to look at an apartment in the city (!). J. is coming with. Hope I like it. Because I want out.
Think thin loves.
Live life!
XO
Sar
I say on here a lot of things. I say I hate life. I say I wish I was dead. I am reckless with drinking and drugs and driving. Sometimes I want to hurt myself or someone else.
But when it comes down to it...when shit really hits the fan, I know that I could never do it. I wouldn't want to. I fear death.
Rest in Peace Marty. What the fuck (as my eyes tear up again). WHY? A gunshot to the face at a party in front of people? I am mad and sad and horrified. I ache, especially for those closest to him.
~~~~~~
I binged on Sunday. I ate 2500 calories, haven't done that in ages. I've been averaging like 800 a day. But I woke yesterday in self destruct mode. I felt like crap, physically and mentally about it. Today was a fresh start though. I've ate healthily. No ice cream. No pizza. Yes, on Sunday I had both.
Don't get it twisted, I am determined to finish what I started here. I am going to continue to lose weight. I am going to continue working out, burning those calories at the gym and in the bedroom. ;-)
Tomorrow I am going to look at an apartment in the city (!). J. is coming with. Hope I like it. Because I want out.
Think thin loves.
Live life!
XO
Sar
January 26, 2013
Working with others like me
Happy Saturday!
I went to the gym the other night with J. and had a pretty great workout...basketball and the elliptical. I'm really enjoying this working out thing. It makes me feel damn good. I suppose there is some truth to what my mom has been telling me over the years...exercise DOES help...keep you thin.
All of my pants are so baggy. I need to find a good, reasonably priced tailor, I actually have soo much to get done today, but procrastinating for now. Not 100% surprising. I'm sitting here with my coffee and my list, and it's almost 1PM. Time to get moving Sar! But first, a little blogging...
Work is going well, I am finally "done" training and on my own at my desk! There is a lot to remember and I am really trying to do it right. I want my efforts to be noticed. I want to make more money and get ahead and the only way to do that is to step it up!!
My coworkers are cool, as I've mentioned before it is eating disorder central up in there. Two of the women are so beautifully thin, definitely thinner than me. They wear their tiny, fitted clothes. In comparison, with my height and baggy pants and sweaters, I feel like a giant fat ass. Almost every woman there talks about diets, food, and exercise on a daily basis.
'I contribute to the conversations now and have begun eating lunch at my desk, like everyone else, with a mini snack: a hemp seed granola bar and an apple. Water (duh) and coffee.
Needless to say I go to sleep hungry a lot more, and have been losing weight. To keep up with them, also to fulfill my personal agenda, which leads to a shrinking Sar.
J. and I are officially back together. Things are going very well. He is having a little party tonight, I'm pretty excited! Working out and spending time together has been awesome.
All in all, I cannot really complain. I do hate living at home with my crazy parents but I know in my gut that I will be out soon. PATIENCE SAR!!!
It won't kill me to save money for a few more weeks. Moving out weekend will be here before I know it. I can do it, I can make it happen...I just know it! First things first, FIND an apartment. Guess I'll add it to the list...
;)
Peace!
XO
~S
I went to the gym the other night with J. and had a pretty great workout...basketball and the elliptical. I'm really enjoying this working out thing. It makes me feel damn good. I suppose there is some truth to what my mom has been telling me over the years...exercise DOES help...keep you thin.
All of my pants are so baggy. I need to find a good, reasonably priced tailor, I actually have soo much to get done today, but procrastinating for now. Not 100% surprising. I'm sitting here with my coffee and my list, and it's almost 1PM. Time to get moving Sar! But first, a little blogging...
Work is going well, I am finally "done" training and on my own at my desk! There is a lot to remember and I am really trying to do it right. I want my efforts to be noticed. I want to make more money and get ahead and the only way to do that is to step it up!!
My coworkers are cool, as I've mentioned before it is eating disorder central up in there. Two of the women are so beautifully thin, definitely thinner than me. They wear their tiny, fitted clothes. In comparison, with my height and baggy pants and sweaters, I feel like a giant fat ass. Almost every woman there talks about diets, food, and exercise on a daily basis.
'I contribute to the conversations now and have begun eating lunch at my desk, like everyone else, with a mini snack: a hemp seed granola bar and an apple. Water (duh) and coffee.
Needless to say I go to sleep hungry a lot more, and have been losing weight. To keep up with them, also to fulfill my personal agenda, which leads to a shrinking Sar.
J. and I are officially back together. Things are going very well. He is having a little party tonight, I'm pretty excited! Working out and spending time together has been awesome.
All in all, I cannot really complain. I do hate living at home with my crazy parents but I know in my gut that I will be out soon. PATIENCE SAR!!!
It won't kill me to save money for a few more weeks. Moving out weekend will be here before I know it. I can do it, I can make it happen...I just know it! First things first, FIND an apartment. Guess I'll add it to the list...
;)
Peace!
XO
~S
January 20, 2013
Energy
I've been on a weight loss kick! It feels great to lift my shirt everyday and see all of my rib bones and hips and my (surprisingly) flat belly. It feels empowering to wear loose clothes...ok that is a lie. I prefer fitted things so I must invest in a tailor! But you know what I mean!
Work is going well and keeping me VERY busy. The people I work with are very nice which helps a lot! I've been hanging with my friends every weekend and seeing J. several times a week. I'm getting used to waking up early. It is currently Sunday at 8AM and I have no reason to be up but I am! Wide awake!
I have to get up at 6AM m-f for work which means I need to get to sleep at a decent time...which means NO MORE NIGHT TIME BINGING! wOo!
That is exactly why I'm dropping the pounds, combined with restriction and all of the hours at the gym I've been clocking in recent weeks. It's J. and I's new thing...we work out together! Endorphins, baby!
The only dark cloud on the horizon is, of course, living at home with my crazy family. I am getting veryyy serious about moving out on my own and am striving for patience. I need to be smart about this. I know exactly what I'm looking for but just have to find it! I am thinking March 1 is a good day to move, let's see if I can make it happen!
Peace, happy Sunday.
XO
Sar
January 17, 2013
Dinner
J. cooked me dinner last night, lasagna. With bread and salad. It was delicious but it was the most I have ate in one sitting in quite awhile. I haven't binged at all lately, which is great, but eating that much last night is making me feel tubby this morning.
Wasn't that sweet of him?
Maybe I'll stop punishing myself for now and just go to work. Peace people!
Wasn't that sweet of him?
Maybe I'll stop punishing myself for now and just go to work. Peace people!
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