well hello

well hello

August 24, 2014

Could this be love?

Sooo in an awesomely unexpected turn of events, me and tinder guy are "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend. We had the "talk" last night, after an amazing, day-long date. He brought it up.

I know, I know. You're like..but Sar, weren't you guys fighting? Well yeah, but I have ptsd and fight with everyone. He is the first guy in FOREVER I've trusted enough to talk about it with.

Last weekend was a game changer for us. After the fight I believe I blogged about (which wasn't so much a fight, but a texted miscommunication) I took matters into my own hands. I went over there and we talked and just held each other. It was such a nice closeness.

Bringing it back to the present, yesterday he came here and we went to the art festival, then an hour long walk down this long ass pier in my city, then back to my place for cuddles and talking, then dinner, then a drink, then back to my place. *swoons* We were making out and it was getting hot and of course I'm on my period so no sex. I did see his dick and. it's. HUGE.

Oh my god. Is this real?????

He said, are you my girlfriend? I went mute haha. But yeah, so that's what's up.
We just click. We have great chemistry. We laugh. We hold hands. We have fun. This is a breath of fresh fucking air.


Today is Sunday. I just woke up. We are hanging out again!!! :-) I am having some coffee and then getting ready and going there for some canoeing and then a free show by his place!!

I couldn't even sleep last night. I couldn't eat yesterday. I starved all day. On purpose, duh. I have been keeping my weight in check and losing a little. He thinks my body is perfect. He literally said that.

For blog purposes I must give him a name. I can't keep calling him tinder guy. OK. From here on out, he is D.


I'm on cloud 9.

Welcome, new follower!! And thanks for the comment.


August 17, 2014

Unspeakably depressed

I'm not sure how everything got so messed up. Things with tinder guy have boiled over. We fight way too much. Can you believe that? We've been talking for a month, chilled twice, yet we...fight? Too much, too soon, and it's sad. I was really feeling it for him but we clearly bring out each other's nasty sides. Needless to say, we did not get together thursday as planned. It's a long ass story. Blame it on me.

I had a tough week. That is, I had a good week on the surface, but mentally I was a mess. The other day I woke from a flashback nightmare about the fire. I jumped up out of bed, literally gasping for air, clutching my chest. My heart was FLYING. I could not calm down. It was terrifying. It started my weekend off on an incredibly unstable note. I smoked to dull the pain. I ate a bunch of shit. I grew depressed as the hours passed.

I am pathetic still. I see and feel myself pushing everyone away, just everyone. Door shutting over my face and locking. Guard up, intact, impenetrable. I can't seem to change this. Maybe I don't really want to.

I hate this.


August 11, 2014

Compared to the morbidly obese, you are thin

Why did I just binge the weekend away? Oh right, I'm unnaturally obsessed with stalking tinder guy. I added him to a 'close friends' list on facebook. Now I can see his every (public) move. My day hinges on that. Did he become "friends" with girls? Check yes and binge on burrito. Did he add pictures of girls? Check yes and binge on devil's food cookies.

I am DISGUSTING and PATHETIC and I HATE myself for allowing my self worth to depend upon his social media moves/amount of communication with me.

He's not a terrible person, guys. He's one of those people who constantly adds stuff/updates his page. I am not like this. He is my opposite astrologically as well.

We have chilled twice. He gave me flowers. We have plans this week. I think he's just very popular, with both sexes. Again, this is the opposite of me. I do not have many friends.

He's 33 but I don't know if he's looking for a relationship. I do know he has a five week trip to South America coming up this winter. So wherever our relationship is at that point...well I'll cross that road when I get there. Needless to say...I am confused.

But yes, sadly, it was a binge weekend. I can't blame tinder guy completely. I blame myself for being weak, addicted, insecure. I am so addicted to weed. I told my therapist I wouldn't smoke every day. I told her I wouldn't smoke on the nights before work. I'm a big fat liar. Ever since I bought the bag (ended up getting eighth off J for $40 not $60 haha) I've been on a blazing bender.

Deep breaths. All is not lost. I took a 90 minute sweaty walk yesterday morning, which was much needed. Didn't clear the old head, though. The only thing that will clear my head at this point is abstaining from drugs for days. Not sure if I'm up for that challenge.

I need to be STRONGER. Where has my discipline gone?? I went to the dollar store, of all places, for cat litter last night and of course I bought a bag of candy. SO SAD.

I woke up this morning feeling restless, uncomfortable in my skin, and in a bad mood. It is the start of a new week and I cannot feel like this a moment longer. A plan, Sar, you need a plan/purpose/refocus.

Without further ado:

I am going to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Tinder guy and I are still talking. He hasn't given me a direct reason not to trust him. My thoughts are coming only from my interpretation of his facebook. I believe he is a good person who is not trying to fuck with me.

I am going to RESTRICT today and eat HEALTHY for the rest of the week. I have food here so NO store visits.

I am going to continue getting to sleep at a decent hour because it really helps me on these early mornings.


I actually got a lot done this weekend, despite the binges. I made some important calls, deposited checks in bank, payed some bills, did some organizing/cleaning.

You are not a perfect person Sarah. That is ok though. You are human, finite, and beautiful. Compared to the morbidly obese, you are thin. You have plans this week. You have a life. You will be ok.


July 26, 2014

What would Lana do?

I need to get this down. I met a guy on tinder, of all places. We have a similar circle of friends. I like him already but we have never met. We were going to tonight but there was some miscommunication and plans shifted and it got really late. So I'm sitting here drinking alone.

The new job is going well. I "called in" to my other part time job this evening (actually emailed) because I was so keyed up and nervous about meeting him. I don't think it was a good idea to not work because I need the money desperately and my landlord called tonight for rent. He sounded angry. Shit.

My thoughts are scattered. I'm going to chug this beer. Guess I can't write after all.

July 21, 2014

Mind time traveling

Sitting here close to midnight alone and contemplative. Tomorrow is the first day of my new job. Why do I feel scared to wake up so early? It's like I don't think I can handle waking at the crack of dawn, just because it's been awhile and I'm up late. My fears befuddle me.

I will get up and go, start this new chapter with a smile and ambition. I can do this. I can stick this out. I can commit.

I have changed jobs so many times. I have had a million first days.

Keeping my part time job for as long as I can to catch up financially. I plan to save some money and take a weekend trip as soon as possible. I have Fridays off at my new job, plus the weekend obviously. Sucks for money purposes (hence why I'm keeping second job) but it's AWESOME. Who am I kidding?

I don't mind working two jobs for a bit longer. Staying busy keeps me less dependent upon the attention of boys. Not talking really to anyone at the moment. You know how it changes fast though...

I feel like I ate a lot today. I am too grossed out to list it all. I didn't binge, just ate a little too much and I want to walk for ten miles but it's night and I am not walking alone in this city after dark. Excuses?

I'll make up for it tomorrow, I promise. I will restrict during the day (at work) and at night I'll stay strong. Let my eyes linger on the prize.

I did some cleaning today and took myself shopping. I haven't been clothes shopping in months. I bought four shirts on a store charge card. The total was about $60. No, I should not have spent the money but they were on sale and are all work-wearable and guess what chicken butt - it was needed. I'm working in a ritzier suburban area and need to dress the part want to fit in. I'll pay it off next month.

Rewinding time to Saturday night...I went to my neighbor's and partied it up. Wine, weed, blow. Just a little bit. I know, I'm bad. Needless to say I was up until about 6:30AM and could not sleep in. I forgot how it effects me. I was tired all day and today as well.

Smoking gave me a jolt and my nerves are back for tomorrow. Deep breath. I can do this. I know I can. I love a challenge! I long for work and a paycheck. I have accomplished my goal! I have successfully bounced out of underemployment. I saved myself! I will no longer be broke. I will have a routine. I will discover new parts of myself. I will not gain weight. I will maintain or lose...there's really no other acceptable option.

Everything I tried on today fit. I did not have to exchange sizes. It felt good to feel sort of thin. Must stay strong.

Gotta finish this pipe and hit the hay. Going to take on tomorrow with confidence. Have a great day!!


July 20, 2014


Drunk. Still not high, never bought that eighth. It's two AM. I might be going to my neighbors to smoke, I hope!!

It's crazy how long it's been since I've bought pot. I just haven't had the cash. Well no more, bitches. This girl got a job. And soon I will reap the harvest.

Listening to Lana Del Ray. Was watching "Flight" starring the AMAZING Denzel Washington. That movie got me alllll shook up so I am taking a break from it.

Life is pretty damn good, folks. No love interests, but had a nice time with family lately. Also, woohoo, the job. Starting this week. And you know what...I feel pretty sometimes. Not really today, I feel greasy and bloated because I ate today (kind of alot) and my period is coming in a few days.

Drinking wine. Smoking my ciggies in my apartment.

I guess I don't have too much more to say. Lol. I hope you're all having a cool weekend.


July 19, 2014

Great news...

I got the job!!

July 15, 2014

Trying not to lose it

Good god, I hate waiting!!!!!!!!!!!

I had an interview for this receptionist position last thursday. They called me for a second interview, which I went to yesterday. I thought it went well! They called me to say I'm "at the top of the list but they have a couple more interviews to get through". They said they would call me today! I have been hugging my phone all damn day. I am trying not to lose faith! They're going to call, they're going to call, they're going to call, they're going to call and offer me the job.

I need this job so fucking bad. And I want it! It seems like a great fit for me!


In other news, I've been chatting with J. again. Not ex-bf J. Don't get THAT twisted. This J. is a friend of friends and we've met twice but messaged a lot. Last wednesday we all went to a sweet jazz concert and him and I (and his buddy from out of town) went to a club afterward and danced our asses off. I totally hit on him. Nothing happened, but we had a great time. He is my newest "challenge". I want to sleep with him and maybe more because why not? Jake is history. M. is spacey as hell albeit a tad consistent, which is cute. C. is just a friend. I activated Tinder on my phone too. This girl is looking for love, fun, and frolicking.

Currently 1PM, sipping my coffee, listening to Whitney Houston. Waiting for my phone to ring with a job offer. IT WILL HAPPEN!

Therapy at 3. Work at 5. God I can't even think.

I haven't bought pot in ages. Just been smoking resin or having someone smoke me up. J. is trying to sell me an eighth tonight for $60, an outlandish price! I might pay it just to have a chance to see him. Or, fuck it, I won't bother and let him be challenged.

I really can't deal with this shit right now. I need to take a walk.


July 11, 2014

And now I just sit in silence

It's amazing how stable I feel this week. Just writing that scares the hell out of me because we all know that things change fast. I had my usual therapy tuesday which is really going swimmingly. I'm kind of in love with her actually. Not love just an incredible dependence and appreciation. She is so smart. What we are currently working on is me learning to differentiate between thoughts and emotions. Impossible. But I'm going to keep trying.

July 5, 2014

Positive conclusions despite the darkness

Well, that didn't last long. I deleted the link off my Twitter bio. I'm not ready for that yet, apparently. I'm feeling guarded. Which I'm sure is a direct result of Jake completely blowing me off last night. Yep. Here's what happened:

As you know we had made tentative plans to watch the fireworks together. I say tentative because no actual physical plans were made, he just said he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant that we would be seeing each other.

Yesterday I was trying my best to be cool and carefree. Not knowing what time or any other details was definitely driving me crazy. I like to plan things a little. I was going out of my way to stay relaxed, to trust that it would all work. I took a long ass walk, a couple miles, all the while talking to myself, telling myself it's fine.

While I was out walking he texted me that he "should be home around 8:30". That's it, no other information. My blood immediately boiled. Apparently he was out of town at his roommate's parent's house. After considering the best way to cover my ass I sent him a text asking if he was thinking of staying out there and if so let me know so I can make other plans. Because 8:30 ish is kind of late for the fourth.

He responded with a vague "I'm not missing the fireworks but logistically it might be better for you to make other plans and we could meet later". Logistically my ass.

At this point I had a feeling of doom in my stomach so I bought a pack of cigarettes at the gas station with my credit card (bad!). Thankfully I did have somewhere else to go, my new friend/coworker Denise had invited me over.

I texted Jake back "I see" for him to interpret however the fuck he wanted. Then I showered, had a glass of wine, put on a beautifully patriotic outfit, looked myself in the eye in the mirror and felt pretty, said to myself, "he's a fool", hopped in the car and drove 25 minutes to her townhouse in the suburbs.

There were four of us: two guys and two girls. Always a good mix. Her boyfriend shot off a bunch of fireworks in the street and we enjoyed the show their neighbor put on! There were fireworks in every direction it was actually really nice. The other dude was def hot.

But in my heart and maybe in my head I was feeling vulnerable and defensive. I talked more to Denise and her boyfriend then the other guy. We were drinking and smoking weed and cigarettes a lot, me on a completely empty stomach. The drunker I got (we were drinking whiskey with full fat cola) (I cringe when I consider the calories), the more I wanted him to hit on me and for us to hook up. Nothing at all happened and I passed out on the couch, alone.

I woke up at 6AM cold and alone. I drove my fat ass to mcdonalds and bought a egg and cheese biscuit and a hashbrown. I ate in my car while exhausted and still drunk. It sobered me just barely enough to drive down the center of the highway with tunnel vision. I stumbled up the steps of my apartment, put on pjs and thought I would get sick. I didn't, and fell back asleep.

I feel shame about buying fast food. I should've known better than to drink whiskey on an empty stomach. I hate doing that. I just needed not to feel.

At some point in the middle of the night last night I texted Jake asking where he ended up. He responded that he fell asleep and missed the fireworks. I have no idea absolutely no clue if this is the truth. He has no reason to lie. But seriously, if you didn't plan to see me why the hell would you ask to? Or if your plans changed why couldn't you just tell me? I'm so confused by him. Why can't he be real with me!?

So of course this afternoon when I woke up wide awake and remembering the events of the past twenty four hours I had to text him. I sent him one of my famous mean texts. I held back, a little, because I'm trying to be more aware of what I say in anger. I tend to regret it later.

I said: Thank god I didn't stick around waiting for you. Don't say you want to see me and then blow me off..especially on a holiday? You're not even a friend, you're untrustworthy."

Harsh. Reading it again to copy it verbatim from my phone, I can feel the frustration. It has been an hour and a half and he has not responded.

It's fine. Probably for the best. We are both pushing each other away, that's how it feels. We have a great time together and then one or both freaks out and reclaims mad distance until the other is forced to form fucked up conclusions. And of course it all happens over text, the shittiest form of communication there ever was.

It's sad. On the bright side, I did have fun last night. I like having a new friend. It was cool to be out in the 'burbs because I'm a city girl now. There was a lot of air, a lot of wide open space. Trees, nicely paved roads. It was a good time and I'm glad I went. I made the best of a bad situation and sometimes that's all you can do.

As for Jake...well sucks to be him. He missed out. I have no clue if he'll respond to my message and he really doesn't even need to. Unless it's an apology. Or he could just...pick up the phone and call.

I'm trying so hard not to feel bitter.

This turned into a really long post. I wonder if you're still reading? Loneliness is a terrible thing. Good thing I like myself lately. Sometimes I'm ok. Therapy is helping.

Have a groovy weekend.


July 4, 2014

An experiment

Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans! I slept for twelve hours last night...LIKE A BOSS. Haha, kidding - I'm lazy as hell. Why get up out of bed when you have no place to be, no one to talk to, and no low ambition?

It's almost three in the afternoon and I'm sitting here in my pajamas playing around online and sipping some hot coffee. I decided to go for it, by the way. I am putting myself out there with no way to ever reclaim anonymity. I have placed a link to THIS BLOG on my Twitter. Bold, right?

I'm definitely not a coward. You want to read about my life, lust, and substance abuse? Go right ahead. Judge me. Just comment and click on the ads and we're golden.

It's been a chill week. I've been off work. I've been toking and talking to people. I decided not to keep my ball in one court regarding Jake. He is great but he sometimes gets a little quiet on me. Triggers my suspicions. Therefore, I'm branching out. Currently chatting with this dude J. I mentioned back in May. We never hooked up but he's hot so I would.

Jake and I are supposed to watch fireworks tonight. He said, and I quote, that he "doesn't care where he just wants to watch them with me". Soo...we shall see how this goes! Of course I said yes, but he's been aloof the past two days. I guess I should be glad that he thought to lock down plans with me in advance. I'm actually a tad annoyed. He got his answer and then bam, no more work to do...or so he thinks!

Men! What is it about them?

I've made it my goal to apply for at least one job per day. This holiday weekend is screwing with my success. People are out of the office when I need them there reviewing my resume, calling, interviewing, and hiring me! Needless to say no luck...yet. I promise I'll have good news soon.

Patience is a virtue.

You know what.

I'm not in the writing mood.


Ps: A helpful infographic for tonight:

June 30, 2014

Shades of cool

The last day of June, oh man oh my! I'll start by saying that I had an incredible weekend. Truly good. I love when that happens. Good things both nights.

Jake and I had a great time Saturday night. We took a cab down to this art installation/festival by the water. It was soo hot out and he made us both a cold icy mixed drink for the ride down. He is friends with the cab driver.

We pretty much immediately "cleared the air". I mentioned to you guys that it was most likely over with him because of thoughts I'd been having. He told me that he thought I never wanted to see him again and the day I texted him to take a walk he was en route to his parent's house a couple hours away. He seemed sincere.

Of course it was difficult for me to open up and be honest but I really needed to try. I told him the best version of the truth that I could come up with on the spot. What is the truth, you ask? Well...I assumed in my head that he wasn't interested because he wasn't meeting my stretched out expectations. There was a few awkward text exchanges that contributed to my assumption.

How do you tell a guy that you have expectations he can never meet?

You don't, and you can't, so you lie.

I blamed myself. I told him I was just confused and sometimes I get mad easily but I don't hold a grudge. There is absolutely truth to that but I believe at this point it's best for me to hold back a little.

So the night continued. We explored, danced, talked. He kept trying to touch me lightly on my arm or lower back but I stayed a little aloof, never letting him linger. Afterward we walked to a bar and had a beer. It was still so hot so we drank it fast out on the patio we had to ourselves. When people came out we left. We walked in the general direction of our houses even though they were miles away. We made it downtown and all the while everything had an adventurous feel to it.

We hit up another bar (we agreed that we felt sober from all the walking lol) and grabbed a cab a few blocks more. He bought us slices of pizza (plain cheese for me) and we walked about a half mile to his porch where we sat on rocking chairs and ate and talked some more.

He walked me to my door and we started kissing. It felt different then before but I would still describe it as passionate. It felt more intimate, with our foreheads grazing each other. Of course it turned super hot and I could've fucked him then and there. But I didn't. It was nearly 5AM and I went inside.

A fantastic night with the added bonus of exercise.

I do like him, you guys. It's scary to even admit it. Because when you admit it, it's there, it's not hidden anymore. The pursuit of love is a risk.

Seriously though, he's a great guy. He's interesting to talk to, generous, funny, attractive, patient, and so easygoing. I feel that we complement each other. I feel that we have been talking for over a month and I want this to keep going. This is where I remind myself not to freak out.

*deep breath*

I will focus on finding a job and not giving into the enticingly evil and eventual expectations that may creep up.

It's the last day of the month and I still haven't paid rent. I have a check that I will deposit and then there will be just enough. Work tonight. Must find another job. Keep your fingers crossed.


June 28, 2014


Last night was awesome. Here's a rundown: Earlier in the week I had convinced my coworker to accompany me to a bar where three bands were playing including M's. We came to my place after work to blaze and I changed my outfit. We took a quick walk to the store so I could buy ciggies (bad Sar). Then we drove separate cars to a bar on the freaking east side. M's band was playing on the patio when we walked in. I love making eye contact with him while he sings.

The set finished. We drank overpriced Blue Moons with dirty oranges. We chatted then she wanted to leave. She has recently lost 30 pounds and is seeing a personal trainer Saturday mornings. We talk about weight loss a lot. We went out to her car for a quick "session" and then she drove off and I was alone. I went back inside since I paid a cover to get in, there were two bands left, and M. was floating around somewhere.

I grabbed a beer and stood by myself in the crowd of unfamiliar faces, swaying to the beat. At some point M. came over to me to shoot the shit but I found myself feeling aloof and wandering off outside. I made a few friends with some dudes smoking a bowl on the patio. The third band started so I went back in. They killed it! I was having a lot of fun dancing by myself but becoming more aware of the fact that I was alone and there were a couple randoms from college (also there for M's band) making me feel a little awkward but I kept my confidence and switched to drinking water.

The best part of the night is when M. and I made our way over to each other again for a quick private convo. We kept asking how each other was and how each other's night was going. Then the third band called him onstage to jam. Our eyes linked while the photographer was snapping his picture. It was a moment. They finished up and I left, having sobered up besides the pot, and I drove safely home.

I immediately stripped off my clothes, laid naked on my bed (still spending a lot of time naked), and texted M. and Jake (since I had seen his light on). Jake and I ended up having this hour long flirty and open text conversation. He told me that he thought I didn't want to see him again. I told him that I wanted to crawl into bed with him. So now, we're hanging out tonight after I get out of work.

Well, supposedly, Do plans made at 3AM still count? Hope so. I have to be at work in a hour and I haven't even showered but I'm about to. I just had to get this down. I loved last night. I loved doing something new with someone new. I loved that she left and I stayed, alone, at the bar. I love that M. and I are so cool. I love that I am the type of person who likes to make friends with strangers. I love freedom.

I love life, sometimes.

Today - baby carrots/hummus. whole grain melba crackers. spinach salad with parm cheese and italian dressing. 1 slice whole wheat bread with 1 slice pepper jack cheese. banana. 2 slices watermelon. coffee.

Pretty fucking healthy and that will be it for the day. Maybe drinks later.
Peace, loves.