well hello

well hello

September 17, 2014

The seventeenth

I'm the thinnest I've been in awhile. I don't know if it's the love, sex, or all the fighting. My appetite has changed. I no longer feel the need to binge, ever. Even on those rare occasions (period, bad feelings, drunk, etc) I've been able to hold back. It's a good thing.

I haven't weighed myself in ages. I have no clue how much I've lost but I'll say almost ten pounds.

Today: three peanut butter crackers. coffee. water.

My face is starting to look thinner and more defined. My boyfriend plays with my bones. Last night at the concert he was tap tap tapping on my hipbones while standing behind me and swaying to the music.

I have not confided in him about my ednos. If the opportunity comes up I may. However, as I mentioned briefly, we have been fighting. It's mostly me and the fucking ptsd/depression, pushing him away, saying stupid shit and regretting it instantly, etc. But he definitely throws it back.

I hope we can work it out.

Winter is coming, normally a time of eating and being lazy and gaining weight. Not this year. Not ever.

Peace, loves.

September 7, 2014

Rock me baby

Think I'm in love and the sex is out of this world amazing.
Feeling thinner than ever.
Life is good.
xo

September 3, 2014

September

Tomorrow is my birthday. Not surprisingly, I am depressed.

Things with D. have been going so well. I am currently telling him I don't want to see him tomorrow and he is understandably confused.

It's times like this, when I've sunk down so low, that I really and truly despise myself. I give in to this shit and feel unable to shove my way out.

I was scheduled for therapy this morning, my usual Wednesday. Guess what I did...completely blew it off. Didn't call, didn't show. I've been kicking myself all day. I feel so guilty. In my mind is a major red flag. I wouldn't go discuss some of the feelings I've had lately. I refused. This is not good.

The truth is that she's getting too close. I am amazed by my subconscious and how it works. I am trying to push her away. It is hurting me to do this. My therapist didn't do anything wrong but I punished her.

I feel psychotic.


August 24, 2014

Could this be love?

Sooo in an awesomely unexpected turn of events, me and tinder guy are "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend. We had the "talk" last night, after an amazing, day-long date. He brought it up.

I know, I know. You're like..but Sar, weren't you guys fighting? Well yeah, but I have ptsd and fight with everyone. He is the first guy in FOREVER I've trusted enough to talk about it with.

Last weekend was a game changer for us. After the fight I believe I blogged about (which wasn't so much a fight, but a texted miscommunication) I took matters into my own hands. I went over there and we talked and just held each other. It was such a nice closeness.

Bringing it back to the present, yesterday he came here and we went to the art festival, then an hour long walk down this long ass pier in my city, then back to my place for cuddles and talking, then dinner, then a drink, then back to my place. *swoons* We were making out and it was getting hot and of course I'm on my period so no sex. I did see his dick and. it's. HUGE.

Oh my god. Is this real?????

He said, are you my girlfriend? I went mute haha. But yeah, so that's what's up.
We just click. We have great chemistry. We laugh. We hold hands. We have fun. This is a breath of fresh fucking air.

___________

Today is Sunday. I just woke up. We are hanging out again!!! :-) I am having some coffee and then getting ready and going there for some canoeing and then a free show by his place!!

I couldn't even sleep last night. I couldn't eat yesterday. I starved all day. On purpose, duh. I have been keeping my weight in check and losing a little. He thinks my body is perfect. He literally said that.

For blog purposes I must give him a name. I can't keep calling him tinder guy. OK. From here on out, he is D.

*sigh*

I'm on cloud 9.

Welcome, new follower!! And thanks for the comment.

xxooo
Sar

August 17, 2014

Unspeakably depressed

I'm not sure how everything got so messed up. Things with tinder guy have boiled over. We fight way too much. Can you believe that? We've been talking for a month, chilled twice, yet we...fight? Too much, too soon, and it's sad. I was really feeling it for him but we clearly bring out each other's nasty sides. Needless to say, we did not get together thursday as planned. It's a long ass story. Blame it on me.

I had a tough week. That is, I had a good week on the surface, but mentally I was a mess. The other day I woke from a flashback nightmare about the fire. I jumped up out of bed, literally gasping for air, clutching my chest. My heart was FLYING. I could not calm down. It was terrifying. It started my weekend off on an incredibly unstable note. I smoked to dull the pain. I ate a bunch of shit. I grew depressed as the hours passed.

I am pathetic still. I see and feel myself pushing everyone away, just everyone. Door shutting over my face and locking. Guard up, intact, impenetrable. I can't seem to change this. Maybe I don't really want to.

I hate this.

-s

August 11, 2014

Compared to the morbidly obese, you are thin

Why did I just binge the weekend away? Oh right, I'm unnaturally obsessed with stalking tinder guy. I added him to a 'close friends' list on facebook. Now I can see his every (public) move. My day hinges on that. Did he become "friends" with girls? Check yes and binge on burrito. Did he add pictures of girls? Check yes and binge on devil's food cookies.

I am DISGUSTING and PATHETIC and I HATE myself for allowing my self worth to depend upon his social media moves/amount of communication with me.

He's not a terrible person, guys. He's one of those people who constantly adds stuff/updates his page. I am not like this. He is my opposite astrologically as well.

We have chilled twice. He gave me flowers. We have plans this week. I think he's just very popular, with both sexes. Again, this is the opposite of me. I do not have many friends.

He's 33 but I don't know if he's looking for a relationship. I do know he has a five week trip to South America coming up this winter. So wherever our relationship is at that point...well I'll cross that road when I get there. Needless to say...I am confused.

But yes, sadly, it was a binge weekend. I can't blame tinder guy completely. I blame myself for being weak, addicted, insecure. I am so addicted to weed. I told my therapist I wouldn't smoke every day. I told her I wouldn't smoke on the nights before work. I'm a big fat liar. Ever since I bought the bag (ended up getting eighth off J for $40 not $60 haha) I've been on a blazing bender.

Deep breaths. All is not lost. I took a 90 minute sweaty walk yesterday morning, which was much needed. Didn't clear the old head, though. The only thing that will clear my head at this point is abstaining from drugs for days. Not sure if I'm up for that challenge.

I need to be STRONGER. Where has my discipline gone?? I went to the dollar store, of all places, for cat litter last night and of course I bought a bag of candy. SO SAD.

I woke up this morning feeling restless, uncomfortable in my skin, and in a bad mood. It is the start of a new week and I cannot feel like this a moment longer. A plan, Sar, you need a plan/purpose/refocus.

Without further ado:

I am going to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Tinder guy and I are still talking. He hasn't given me a direct reason not to trust him. My thoughts are coming only from my interpretation of his facebook. I believe he is a good person who is not trying to fuck with me.

I am going to RESTRICT today and eat HEALTHY for the rest of the week. I have food here so NO store visits.

I am going to continue getting to sleep at a decent hour because it really helps me on these early mornings.

________________

I actually got a lot done this weekend, despite the binges. I made some important calls, deposited checks in bank, payed some bills, did some organizing/cleaning.

You are not a perfect person Sarah. That is ok though. You are human, finite, and beautiful. Compared to the morbidly obese, you are thin. You have plans this week. You have a life. You will be ok.

xo

July 26, 2014

What would Lana do?

I need to get this down. I met a guy on tinder, of all places. We have a similar circle of friends. I like him already but we have never met. We were going to tonight but there was some miscommunication and plans shifted and it got really late. So I'm sitting here drinking alone.

The new job is going well. I "called in" to my other part time job this evening (actually emailed) because I was so keyed up and nervous about meeting him. I don't think it was a good idea to not work because I need the money desperately and my landlord called tonight for rent. He sounded angry. Shit.

My thoughts are scattered. I'm going to chug this beer. Guess I can't write after all.

July 21, 2014

Mind time traveling

Sitting here close to midnight alone and contemplative. Tomorrow is the first day of my new job. Why do I feel scared to wake up so early? It's like I don't think I can handle waking at the crack of dawn, just because it's been awhile and I'm up late. My fears befuddle me.

I will get up and go, start this new chapter with a smile and ambition. I can do this. I can stick this out. I can commit.

I have changed jobs so many times. I have had a million first days.

Keeping my part time job for as long as I can to catch up financially. I plan to save some money and take a weekend trip as soon as possible. I have Fridays off at my new job, plus the weekend obviously. Sucks for money purposes (hence why I'm keeping second job) but it's AWESOME. Who am I kidding?

I don't mind working two jobs for a bit longer. Staying busy keeps me less dependent upon the attention of boys. Not talking really to anyone at the moment. You know how it changes fast though...

I feel like I ate a lot today. I am too grossed out to list it all. I didn't binge, just ate a little too much and I want to walk for ten miles but it's night and I am not walking alone in this city after dark. Excuses?

I'll make up for it tomorrow, I promise. I will restrict during the day (at work) and at night I'll stay strong. Let my eyes linger on the prize.

I did some cleaning today and took myself shopping. I haven't been clothes shopping in months. I bought four shirts on a store charge card. The total was about $60. No, I should not have spent the money but they were on sale and are all work-wearable and guess what chicken butt - it was needed. I'm working in a ritzier suburban area and need to dress the part want to fit in. I'll pay it off next month.

Rewinding time to Saturday night...I went to my neighbor's and partied it up. Wine, weed, blow. Just a little bit. I know, I'm bad. Needless to say I was up until about 6:30AM and could not sleep in. I forgot how it effects me. I was tired all day and today as well.

Smoking gave me a jolt and my nerves are back for tomorrow. Deep breath. I can do this. I know I can. I love a challenge! I long for work and a paycheck. I have accomplished my goal! I have successfully bounced out of underemployment. I saved myself! I will no longer be broke. I will have a routine. I will discover new parts of myself. I will not gain weight. I will maintain or lose...there's really no other acceptable option.

Everything I tried on today fit. I did not have to exchange sizes. It felt good to feel sort of thin. Must stay strong.

Gotta finish this pipe and hit the hay. Going to take on tomorrow with confidence. Have a great day!!

xo
Sar


July 20, 2014

Gravitas

Drunk. Still not high, never bought that eighth. It's two AM. I might be going to my neighbors to smoke, I hope!!

It's crazy how long it's been since I've bought pot. I just haven't had the cash. Well no more, bitches. This girl got a job. And soon I will reap the harvest.

Listening to Lana Del Ray. Was watching "Flight" starring the AMAZING Denzel Washington. That movie got me alllll shook up so I am taking a break from it.

Life is pretty damn good, folks. No love interests, but had a nice time with family lately. Also, woohoo, the job. Starting this week. And you know what...I feel pretty sometimes. Not really today, I feel greasy and bloated because I ate today (kind of alot) and my period is coming in a few days.

Drinking wine. Smoking my ciggies in my apartment.

I guess I don't have too much more to say. Lol. I hope you're all having a cool weekend.

LOVE,
PEACE,
xo,
Sarah

July 19, 2014

Great news...

I got the job!!

July 15, 2014

Trying not to lose it

Good god, I hate waiting!!!!!!!!!!!

I had an interview for this receptionist position last thursday. They called me for a second interview, which I went to yesterday. I thought it went well! They called me to say I'm "at the top of the list but they have a couple more interviews to get through". They said they would call me today! I have been hugging my phone all damn day. I am trying not to lose faith! They're going to call, they're going to call, they're going to call, they're going to call and offer me the job.

I need this job so fucking bad. And I want it! It seems like a great fit for me!

----------

In other news, I've been chatting with J. again. Not ex-bf J. Don't get THAT twisted. This J. is a friend of friends and we've met twice but messaged a lot. Last wednesday we all went to a sweet jazz concert and him and I (and his buddy from out of town) went to a club afterward and danced our asses off. I totally hit on him. Nothing happened, but we had a great time. He is my newest "challenge". I want to sleep with him and maybe more because why not? Jake is history. M. is spacey as hell albeit a tad consistent, which is cute. C. is just a friend. I activated Tinder on my phone too. This girl is looking for love, fun, and frolicking.

Currently 1PM, sipping my coffee, listening to Whitney Houston. Waiting for my phone to ring with a job offer. IT WILL HAPPEN!

Therapy at 3. Work at 5. God I can't even think.

I haven't bought pot in ages. Just been smoking resin or having someone smoke me up. J. is trying to sell me an eighth tonight for $60, an outlandish price! I might pay it just to have a chance to see him. Or, fuck it, I won't bother and let him be challenged.

I really can't deal with this shit right now. I need to take a walk.

Peace.
-Sar

July 11, 2014

And now I just sit in silence

It's amazing how stable I feel this week. Just writing that scares the hell out of me because we all know that things change fast. I had my usual therapy tuesday which is really going swimmingly. I'm kind of in love with her actually. Not love just an incredible dependence and appreciation. She is so smart. What we are currently working on is me learning to differentiate between thoughts and emotions. Impossible. But I'm going to keep trying.

July 5, 2014

Positive conclusions despite the darkness

Well, that didn't last long. I deleted the link off my Twitter bio. I'm not ready for that yet, apparently. I'm feeling guarded. Which I'm sure is a direct result of Jake completely blowing me off last night. Yep. Here's what happened:

As you know we had made tentative plans to watch the fireworks together. I say tentative because no actual physical plans were made, he just said he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant that we would be seeing each other.

Yesterday I was trying my best to be cool and carefree. Not knowing what time or any other details was definitely driving me crazy. I like to plan things a little. I was going out of my way to stay relaxed, to trust that it would all work. I took a long ass walk, a couple miles, all the while talking to myself, telling myself it's fine.

While I was out walking he texted me that he "should be home around 8:30". That's it, no other information. My blood immediately boiled. Apparently he was out of town at his roommate's parent's house. After considering the best way to cover my ass I sent him a text asking if he was thinking of staying out there and if so let me know so I can make other plans. Because 8:30 ish is kind of late for the fourth.

He responded with a vague "I'm not missing the fireworks but logistically it might be better for you to make other plans and we could meet later". Logistically my ass.

At this point I had a feeling of doom in my stomach so I bought a pack of cigarettes at the gas station with my credit card (bad!). Thankfully I did have somewhere else to go, my new friend/coworker Denise had invited me over.

I texted Jake back "I see" for him to interpret however the fuck he wanted. Then I showered, had a glass of wine, put on a beautifully patriotic outfit, looked myself in the eye in the mirror and felt pretty, said to myself, "he's a fool", hopped in the car and drove 25 minutes to her townhouse in the suburbs.

There were four of us: two guys and two girls. Always a good mix. Her boyfriend shot off a bunch of fireworks in the street and we enjoyed the show their neighbor put on! There were fireworks in every direction it was actually really nice. The other dude was def hot.

But in my heart and maybe in my head I was feeling vulnerable and defensive. I talked more to Denise and her boyfriend then the other guy. We were drinking and smoking weed and cigarettes a lot, me on a completely empty stomach. The drunker I got (we were drinking whiskey with full fat cola) (I cringe when I consider the calories), the more I wanted him to hit on me and for us to hook up. Nothing at all happened and I passed out on the couch, alone.

I woke up at 6AM cold and alone. I drove my fat ass to mcdonalds and bought a egg and cheese biscuit and a hashbrown. I ate in my car while exhausted and still drunk. It sobered me just barely enough to drive down the center of the highway with tunnel vision. I stumbled up the steps of my apartment, put on pjs and thought I would get sick. I didn't, and fell back asleep.

I feel shame about buying fast food. I should've known better than to drink whiskey on an empty stomach. I hate doing that. I just needed not to feel.

At some point in the middle of the night last night I texted Jake asking where he ended up. He responded that he fell asleep and missed the fireworks. I have no idea absolutely no clue if this is the truth. He has no reason to lie. But seriously, if you didn't plan to see me why the hell would you ask to? Or if your plans changed why couldn't you just tell me? I'm so confused by him. Why can't he be real with me!?

So of course this afternoon when I woke up wide awake and remembering the events of the past twenty four hours I had to text him. I sent him one of my famous mean texts. I held back, a little, because I'm trying to be more aware of what I say in anger. I tend to regret it later.

I said: Thank god I didn't stick around waiting for you. Don't say you want to see me and then blow me off..especially on a holiday? You're not even a friend, you're untrustworthy."

Harsh. Reading it again to copy it verbatim from my phone, I can feel the frustration. It has been an hour and a half and he has not responded.

It's fine. Probably for the best. We are both pushing each other away, that's how it feels. We have a great time together and then one or both freaks out and reclaims mad distance until the other is forced to form fucked up conclusions. And of course it all happens over text, the shittiest form of communication there ever was.

It's sad. On the bright side, I did have fun last night. I like having a new friend. It was cool to be out in the 'burbs because I'm a city girl now. There was a lot of air, a lot of wide open space. Trees, nicely paved roads. It was a good time and I'm glad I went. I made the best of a bad situation and sometimes that's all you can do.

As for Jake...well sucks to be him. He missed out. I have no clue if he'll respond to my message and he really doesn't even need to. Unless it's an apology. Or he could just...pick up the phone and call.

I'm trying so hard not to feel bitter.

This turned into a really long post. I wonder if you're still reading? Loneliness is a terrible thing. Good thing I like myself lately. Sometimes I'm ok. Therapy is helping.



Have a groovy weekend.

Sar