well hello

well hello

Friday, March 15, 2024

Old phones & the memories they contain

Friday morning at the crack of dawn. My cat woke me up about 20 minutes before my alarm. My boyfriend has forgiven me. I don't know why he's so forgiving towards me. I don't know why I deserve his love. My job and attitude towards it have gone from poor to fair. Today is my review. I'm nervous.

I feel like I have definitely gained weight and it's freaking me out. Just another reason to quit weed. The munchies are so real. My aging adult body cannot just write it all off, the way it used to. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I've read that quitting weed zaps hunger for awhile. If only I could be strong enough to really give it a try. 

Weeks ago, I had the realization that I struggle to feel safe in my skin. Last night, I looked through two old cell phones, to see if there were any old text messages from my brother who passed. There was not. But there was a few "locked" messages from my ex. The abusive D. I don't know why I saved them. I guess to never forget. Did I really think that I would?

One of them, in the context of him defending his abuse to me, was him saying that I got hit with a pillow but deserved a cinderblock.

Another said that he wished we kept the baby.

Another said that I was the ONLY beautiful girl in the entire world. And that he loved me so much, "it was hell".

I wish I didn't read them again. I'm glad that 99% of our communications have been deleted. All social media conversations are gone. But those few messages, plus old journals, plus this blog obviously - exist. It's hard sometimes to remember him, and how he was. I don't NEED to remember him. I don't WANT to remember him.

But he was someone I dated for so long. I thought I loved him. We experienced my pregnancy and chose to go through the horrors of abortion together. I'm not going to say it brought us closer because hell no. But it was a MAJOR event in both of our lives. It affected us both and I would never say that it didn't.

I'm just glad I got out. Ugh. Why did I give him so much of me? 

More importantly, why, in the aftermath of his abuse, did I BECOME so abusive? Why did I learn from him? Why do I find myself SAYING similar things, and doing similar things? "The abused become abusive" is something true in my experience. And I completely admit that I have become abusive. It's not ok. I just don't know how to stop.

I gotta get ready for work. Had nightmares last night, as usual.

Hopefully today doesn't suck.

Wednesday, March 13, 2024

It's tomorrow but still tonight

I'm burning bridges left and right. Skipped my best friend's birthday get together. Ghosted my parents after my brother's death. Earlier tonight, said something unforgiveable to my boyfriend. Not sure how much longer I'll be able to call him that. 

Today was a day of self loathing. I have never hated myself more. My body radiates hate with every move I make. I ache with it.

I tried to go without weed today and failed. Work has gone to total shit. I am in a major depressive "episode' and my thoughts get so dark it scares me.

I can't even call myself thin. As I age, my body softens. You never think it will happen to you... I feel fat as hell and look like shit.

Put on what I thought was a cute outfit and was having a good hair day for the concert we went to tonight. My boyfriend said nothing. We had been tense and in disagreement mode all afternoon. Made the mistake of getting together for a concert we planned to go to. Fought there. Fought afterwards.

It sucks. I long to feel loved and desired. And he usually does. But the problem is that I don't love myself. I lie to myself and say that I do. But I'm admitting here: it's bullshit. I'm fake. I lie to others and put on a show as naturally as breathing. 

I wish I didn't rely so deeply on other's approval. I wish a lot of things. Maybe if I was a different person, life would be better. But the only person I know how to be is me, a gigantic fuck up.

It's late. Good night.

Wednesday, February 7, 2024

Dazed

My brother passed away. It's been five days. I've drank every night I believe. Puffing away at my smoke. Dissociating. Isolating. I haven't even seen my boyfriend. God knows he's tried. I've rebuked him at every turn. I can't let him see me like this. I can't think straight. I certainly can't act normal. I look like shit and so sad. I'm ashamed of how I'm coping. I even took the week off work.

Tonight: it's Wednesday. I'm drinking. Listening to music. I haven't had much of an appetite lately. My elderly cat sleeps next to me. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. 

Tomorrow: finally will see my man.

I can't think beyond that.

I can't think, period. 

My plan is to finish all the booze in my house (I bought two bottles the other day when I ventured out, numb, looking for further numbing agents). Finish all the pot. Start fresh and sober. I actually had my first weed-free day last week. 24 hours without it. I want to do that again.

I've been out of touch with myself. But I did indulge in some retail therapy, treating myself to a bracelet, a necklace, and a coat. Plus some valentine's day goodies for K.

I want to start some sort of exercise routine and kick my habits. I'm sick of needing to be so fucking "high". Please. I don't get high anymore but the crutch is everything. My brain not firing on all cylinders this week is scaring the hell out of me. I mean, I've grieved before and don't remember feeling this brain-dead. But never before was it a sibling. Who fucking knows.

One day at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day. I must be present. I MUST be present. Presence is everything. The moment is all we really have.

Oh, but my thoughts love to drift...everywhere but here. 

Clearly blogging isn't my focus.

Love & Peace,

Sar


Saturday, January 27, 2024

Date night

Things are looking up. My guy got some good medical news. My brother is still hanging on. My job is fine. Tonight we're going to a fancy restaurant for dinner, and then to the movies to see Anyone But You. This is my pick, he is not a fan of "rom-coms", but I am, so we compromised. I'm lucky.

Obviously, I'm still in pain over what's happening with my family. And the fact that I'm drawing attention at work. But today, I'm trying to be ok. 

If only I could kick this weed addiction. In my head I compare my usage to an act of anaesthetizing my state of being. Like today for example. I woke up at K.'s. Last night we had an emotional discussion about terminal illness and death as relevant to my family situation. I slept ok but it took forever to fall asleep. Even though we both usually fall asleep instantly together. He had to work this morning so I left and went back to bed. A couple hours later I got up, and I'm feeling all the emotions. Such that thoughts are choking me up. But then I took a toke of pot. All of a sudden, I catch myself singing goofy songs to my cat and feeling just...better.

I'm walking on sunshine down the staircase when the thought popped into my mind: the weed is masking everything. I rely on it. Every fucking day. To put a bandaid on the pain.

I NEED to stop. I just don't know how.

But it won't be today, obviously. Thank god K. doesn't smoke. I know when we're together I won't be puffing, maybe just my pen once or twice.

I gotta be stronger. 2024 has been off to a tough start. I want to be happy and free. It just seems like it's going to take time to get to a better state of mental health. But maybe I'm not even trying, especially if I abuse a substance to get by. Not proud of it. It's been an issue for far too long. Decades. That's so guilt-inducing to admit.

It's time to get ready. Sending anyone reading some positive vibes. They're there, with a little help from my pipe. But they also exist within me. And you!! If you look for them.

XO Sar

Friday, January 19, 2024

In trouble

 Got in "trouble" at work. They noticed I've been a tad... detached lately. Someone asked me to assist with a project a couple weeks ago, and I declined. This was brought to HR. They questioned me in the conference room today. A Friday. It makes me wonder, had the conversation gone another way, were they planning to fire me? But for all intents and purposes, the conversation had a professional, interactive flow to it. I took ownership. I was honest. I communicated some of the things troubling me lately. I acknowledged the impact of same on work. 

It's over and I survived it. But it feels like shit. I know I've been slacking. I admitted it to my therapist, bf, probably here... It's hard to care about work when loved ones are suffering. Put another way, it's easy to not give a shit about work. I live for so much more than work.

And you should've seen those two ladies, sitting there with me. Taking this all very seriously. Isn't our work just so important. 

I'm drinking. We got pounded with snow and K. picked me up and drove me to and from work today so I could attend this meeting, since my car is currently snowed in. Aka buried in snow. He's a sweetheart to help.

But when he dropped me off after work, I came inside and made a stiff drink. The cup is half whiskey. I'm blazing weed. I'm fucked up. 

I needed to get fucked up because I was hurting. Still am. Had to slow down drinking since I had barely any food today. Plain yogurt with high protein granola. Breakfast snack bar. Apple. A few cashews. I was hungry until I had that meeting. 

But yeah. That happened today. And I'm still reeling, clearly. What a mindfuck. As if I don't have enough going on. I guess I have to handle it better. I need to step it up. Keep work and life separate, not let either affect each other. How the hell do you do that?

I gotta end this for now.

Saturday, January 6, 2024

New year, fresh chapter

It's a new year. My cousin had a baby today. My cousin is gorgeous and quite well off. We're the same age and I've always compared myself to her. Growing up together, she was more outgoing, kinda spoiled, and popular/athletic during school. I was shy and kinda rebellious, a troubled girl falling through the cracks in a big family. I got into drugs, she did not. She's always done well, had good steady jobs and nice apartments. I switched jobs countless times and lived in tiny lofts. She married someone with a very wealthy profession and they live in a gigantic house out in the suburbs. I'm unmarried, in a relationship where the man I love has a serious illness. I'm not even afraid to admit that I'm totally jealous of her. 

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't feel good to admit that and I don't believe I've ever indicated same to her. The funny thing is, despite everything above, it's possible I have strengths that she doesn't. I'm definitely more independent. I've traveled solo, she's always traveled in groups. I'm a tad unconventional and not concerned with staging my life on social media. She posts everything. Perhaps these are just differences and not strengths but for a moment there it felt like my self confidence was trying to have a word.

I'm happy about the baby and look forward to meeting it. I'm just in a mood - woke up feeling ok but it changed quickly. Cat was driving me nuts. Apartment needed cleaning. Bf caught covid and I had to test yesterday but it was negative, twice. Not sure if I should test again today. I don't feel sick, at least. 

I was told some disturbing details about my family member who is in hospice. Found myself morbidly reading about end of life stuff. I'm so sick of living with this all. How can I detach? I told my coworker yesterday I was numb. She and I were having a nice chat and she had mentioned a few times about her mom and started crying as she described a recent occurrence. She then get all embarrassed and was like  "sorry for crying, it's literally nothing compared to everything that's going on with you". It was validating but all I said was "It's ok to cry, I'm honestly numb at this point". 

Sometimes I am numb. But obviously I'm self medicating. I cry of course. I cry every day sometimes. I scream and yell and hurt myself and other with my hateful words. Last week I cried and screamed so much the capillaries around my eyes started to burst. Stuff has been bleak lately.

I skimmed some posts from 2023 last night. There is no question, even without looking back at old posts, that was 2023 was a rough year for me. I felt sad though, seeing how many of my posts describe feeling mad or sad or stressed. I need to live a different way if this is my mood the majority of the time.

But how?? 

--------------------

It's Saturday and my bf is sick so I have the day to myself. It's noon and I gotta shower. I've already cleaned up a bit. The plan is to put my Christmas decorations away. And just veg, I guess. It's supposed to snow today. I need to grocery shop. My appetite has been so wonky lately. I actually lost weight from the stress and not eating as much.

I bought a nice new scale a couple months ago. Holding steady around 131. This is a good weight for me. I feel and look thin. Not that I am super obsessed about my weight these days. I just kinda leave it alone. I don't like binging so that's never a worry. I never ever purge or feel tempted. I mean, it pops into my mind once in awhile as a memory, but it's not an actual desire. I don't try to skip meals or starve myself EVER because I have found that when my blood sugar crashes I get soo mean. I eat as regularly as possible just not a ton and I watch what I eat. Not too much sugar. Not too much carbs. Strive for protein and fiber. I'm still a vegetarian and I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. Plus my anti depressants have an appetite suppressing side effect. 

It's time to end this, thanks for reading. Felt good to vent.

xoxo Sar

Thursday, December 28, 2023

As 2023 winds down, I wind up

It's been awhile since I've blogged. Had to force it. Life has been somewhat tragic lately. 

Sitting in my home on a rainy Thursday night. Cozy but alone. Well, the cat's here. He's my little buddy. My boyfriend and I are going away for New Year's Eve weekend. Looking forward to getting away from it all. 

There's been a lot going on: multiple family members sick, one in hospice. My boyfriend needs a major surgery, we just found out. I've been depressed. Work has been difficult. I've been living in an extended state of anticipatory grief about my close family member being terminally ill, and finding out my beloved boyfriend's condition has been shocking and devastating. The implications are real. We have already decided to put off marriage and starting a family for at least another year. I feel the weight of expectations to be his care taker without the privilege of being his wife. This is causing resentment to build within. I have not told him this, however.

It's been a week since we found out and it's already affecting us. We've both been stressed and depressed. I'm trying not to be distant but I've been needing space due to the weight of it all. Worried sick about my family every day. Struggling through the holidays. It's hard to believe that less than three months ago I was in the mountains enjoying life.

I tried to cut back on weed - went ok for awhile. I was only using a pen or edible for about a month and a half. I bought nugs a week or two ago and have been partaking in joints. But my anxiety is through the roof. I don't think weed is helping me. I'm just addicted and weak.

I know I need to be strong right now. People are depending on me. But I feel like shit. I want to run away. I'm in constant pain. I don't know if I know how to help myself. My trust in myself is weak. My skepticism and pessimism grow deeper. If only I could reset my brain. 

Writing it all out hurts too.

More later, hopefully.
-S

Saturday, September 9, 2023

9/9

The last thing I feel like doing is writing and reflecting. I'd much rather succumb to quick hits of dopamine via weed or reels. In fact, I'd rather be working. Alas, it must be done. I am flailing lately. Shit's been rough.

I have no excuse for my reservations. It's Saturday. I had breakfast, coffee, checked the mail, did the dishes, smoked half a joint. I've got music on. It's time.

My birthday was this week. That was the highlight of the week. Last weekend, I met up with family to have dinner for me and my dad's birthday. We were born days apart, but different years obviously lol. 

It was tough on my mental state leading up to. I haven't seen them since May. We had the whole father's day drama occur. I had some nerves regarding how it would be, how I would feel, and how my dad would look. He's been quite sick for over a month. They are still trying to figure out what's going on. 

It went fine, other than some initial awkwardness. Also the fact that my father is as thin as me. Very frail looking and weak. I'm worried about him. 

He didn't text or call me on my actual birthday and that threw me for a loop this week. It brought my mood and self-esteem down. My therapist says it's all part of the established pattern of disappointment and encourages me to lower my expectations. Is expecting your dad to wish you a happy birthday within the realm of high expectations? I think not. But, thinking that way isn't really getting me anywhere. Hoping my dad will communicate with me hurts me every time. 

Due to my spotty ability to control my mood, this week also had lots of fighting with K. Like to a point of nearly calling it quits on the relationship. I take stuff out on him. I am so triggered by seemingly everything. I'm trying pretty hard to retrain my animal brain and sometimes I do ok and more often than not I completely fail. It's painful. I want to see myself in a good light, but that is not possible when I get so mad at him. I have anger issues and we both know it. 

I don't necessarily think breaking up with him is the answer. I feel that we share a true connection and there is a lot of love and great experiences between us. But we fight too much. 

...but you know what? There has been too much fighting in every romantic relationship I've ever been involved in.

*mic drop*

No, seriously. I'm the problem.

It fucking sucks.

I need more help than I'm getting or I need to try something new. Like quitting weed, mama's little helper that I do daily without fail. Or working out regularly. Or volunteering my time to the less fortunate. Something.

But how to make myself make a change? I struggle to feel motivated. I put a lot of energy into my actual job that pays the bills, and spend a million nights getting high by myself.

Knowing I'm using as a crutch and actually forcing myself to stop are two different things. I have to understand why it's so daunting to quit. Or even stop for 1 day. I tell myself it's ok, it's medicinal. And yeah sure, it is. But it's also my Achilles heel. It's holding me back.

Help?

I suppose now is a good time to remind myself that I have managed to control my drinking. I rarely drink. And when I do, it's completely limited and in capable hands. I feel good about it. I should think that if I can do that I can do it with weed. Because I always loved drinking. The problem is that I've always loved weed so much more. 

Weed is a security blanket. It wraps me in a dull buzz. I feel detached from literally everything. I become more aware of my brain-body connection. I become quiet, drawn inwards. My body wants to rest. My brain wants sometimes to explore and other times to be in the moment observing. It's fun. It's also kinda boring when it's all I ever do after work at night. I really need to get a handle on it. Sometimes I can be productive on it, but that's usually only when I'm feeling productive prior to getting high. 

I gotta do it. Will I? Who fucking knows. 

Peace.

~S

Thursday, July 13, 2023

Summer

Well it's been awhile! I left off describing family dysfunction but I'm back to basically just vent. I feel like I'm going to explode or combust or cry. Why? No real reason. But also, a million reasons. Backing up just a bit, I set some boundaries with my parents and I can honestly say it worked. At the time, when I was being ignored, but not giving in, it felt like hell. I ached. I cried. I obsessed. But I held my ground. Once the ice was broken (by my mom), I responded with zero grudge. She reciprocated warmly. It felt like a small win.

But as we began chatting more, I got filled in on some tough news. My older half brother has cancer that is spreading. He's been sick for a couple years. It is now untreatable and he has been referred to hospice. It's weird even typing that out. I feel detached and numb about it. We are not close, but I have a lifetime of memories. He's family. 

I'm just sitting here, trying to know what to say but what can you say? Cancer sucks. I am grateful that he is not in pain (allegedly). I hope for a miracle. I know he's looking for a clinical trial. But the truth, the goddamn bitch of a truth is that he could be gone before Christmas. It's a lot.

So I'm enjoying life when I can. It's all fun and games until you get robbed though. Yup, my phone got stolen at a music festival a few weeks ago. That was an expensive life lesson. I'm not getting into it though. I've talked about it enough. I bought another phone and added insurance to my plan. Fuck anyone who steals.

Work is kicking my ass. We've been dealing with the wildfire smoke. Things with K. are solid. My mental health is not.

I had a cavity filled. Now I need a night guard. I've spent so much money at the dentist and on therapy this year already. Feels like all I'm doing is spending.

Oh, and that raise I negotiated? Still not seeing it in my paystub. I've already followed up twice. What a fucking joke. Trying to stay patient and calm. Failing and feeling overcome with anxiety.

As I get this all out, I recognize that shit has been bleak. I want to feel happy. I recognize that, despite the madness, life is going pretty well for me. But I just don't know sometimes. Life is hard. Really fucking hard and you gotta be tough. I can be tough. I just get tired of being so tough and on guard. But it's the only way. Keep on keeping on.

Maybe next time I'll have a plethora of good to share. Be well, all.

Love, Sar xo

Sunday, June 18, 2023

The F Word

Father's Day. I sit here alone at 1:00 in the afternoon. Got out of bed past noon. Shit is bleak. 

Here's why:

About two weeks ago my mom said they were having an afternoon cookout on father's day. I felt good about this since we have not had a family get together in the past year and we've lost my aunt and uncle. She said K. was welcome too.  

A week or so later she told me it was postponed due to my aunt being sick with covid-19. And then this past Wednesday evening she said to "be at" their house by 9:00AM for breakfast. Family only. Their house (my childhood home) is a 35 minute drive away. I was immediately put off by this plan for a couple reasons:

1. We always meet somewhere halfway at a restaurant for mother's day and father's day. This is literally what we always do and is a convenient courtesy and compromise that I am on board with. My car has over 100k miles and is very old. Since we weren't doing the cookout it seemed logical that plans would change to this.

2. I work full time, only get the weekends off. They are retired and sleep in until at least 8:00 AM each day. This difference in schedules means that both sides should be taken into consideration.

3. Since it's breakfast at their house, I wouldn't be eating until I was already up, dressed, and on the road for awhile. This would involve waking up around 7:30AM to shower and get ready and drive over on an empty stomach. This is not my idea of fun, if I'm being honest.

4. I earnestly believed that if I expressed myself directly, without making a demand, she would be willing to bend a bit. Perhaps push the time back, or do lunch instead.

So I sent her a text. I started out by saying that I would like to see dad for father's day. I then said a bit about reason #3 above. I asked what else is going on that day?

I was nervous about sending it. In fact, I had felt a prolonged state of tension since I received her message the night before. She has a way of really getting to me. 

Her response to my text? 

"Nothing"

I waited. I showed K. We both agreed that was closed off and cold.

She texted once more: "Your father will be disappointed. Not sure what I'm supposed to tell him."

I said nothing to that. Four days later, she never said anything more. I never said anything more. But I wanted to say:

Are you purposely trying to be inflexible?

Does how I feel matter at all?

Why would you guilt trip me?

You're doing nothing that day? Just waking up, eating breakfast at 9, and then going back to bed?

What's the plan for lunch? What's the plan for dinner? Can we do either of those instead? 

Can we move breakfast to 10:00AM? An extra hour makes a big difference on the weekend and when it's a long drive.

But I said none of that!! Because why should I? Why should I have to pull this out of her? Why can't she communicate with me? She maintains seemingly strong relationships with her good friend and my aunts. Why do I get the bare minimum emotionally? Why did she assume I was trying to fuck up the day? Why did she have to put guilt on me "you're going to disappoint dad" WTF? I literally said, I want to see him! I wasn't making a demand, I wasn't trying to be entitled. Am I lazy? Am I selfish? Why no compromise?

And the answer to much of this is that I've usually obeyed. They call the shots and I fall in line if I want to be in their lives. And I talk a big talk about boundaries. But actually putting them into play is HARD. And it HURTS. 

I don't know why shit went down like this. But I do think it's been a long time coming. There has been progress made on our relationships, but with every step forward there is also a step back. And sometimes the step back is more of a leap. I wish I knew why. I wish it was different. But I also wish I didn't have to be the only one to want different. Why do I have to be the bigger person with my elders?

Hours ago I texted my dad a happy father's day message with hearts. 

He didn't respond.

Last time I saw him, all he did was talk about how much he wishes he was back in their snowbird retirement community. He didn't even get off the couch when I arrived at their house.

I didn't even get him a card. I would've, if I knew for sure I was seeing him. But my mom's silence hurt me deeply. In the past I would have sent a follow up text trying to work with her. This time, I chose to see if she would take further action. She didn't.

Am I the asshole?

I have no idea.

My brain is warped these last few days. This test, show of strength, pushback, I don't even know what you'd call it. This THING with us has had me numb and in deep pain, detached but anxiously attached, fearing the worst, obsessively talking about it with K., feeling that I've done irreparable damage. It's heavy. It weighs a lot. I feel bad but somewhere deep deep down I feel the bittersweet validation that upholding strong boundaries brings. It's a "I told you so" kinda feeling. It had been gnawing at me for years, this thought that they don't care as much about me. But how can that be? They're my parents. Digging deeper, I can see that the validation is actually regarding their mental states: wounded and traumatized. 

But you know what mom and dad? So is mine. I have been through some FUCKED UP SHIT. I'm 36. I'm an adult. And yeah my past sucks. So does yours, I get it. But your life is pretty good right now! You have two houses! You get to leave the cold for the winter! You have adult children that are doing well! You have freedom! My life is pretty good right now too! Let's enjoy this time in our lives!

But you know what? For the most part, people have the choice to either deal with their lot in life, or give up. Stay bitter. Stay broken. Did they give up on healing? I don't know. I sure as fuck haven't. But I do know that I don't have to sign up for mistreatment. Whether it's intentional or not.

I don't want to assume it's intentional. I don't want to dogmatically state that I can be certain of anything regarding them. But I do know their patterns. And I do now know that I was misunderstood, not given the benefit of the doubt, not valued enough to find a compromise with. If that was a friend acting this way, I'd distance myself. It's not easy, natural, or comfortable. But I can distance myself from my parents to protect myself from them. Because I need protection from such negativity. 

I am not a bad person. I did not want to or intend to upset them in any way. If they feel upset, then they can choose to communicate that. But I've only received passive aggression so far. I would hope that any one who is in my life would see that I am trying pretty hard. I mess up a lot, to be fair. I make mistakes. But I am not convinced I made a mistake with all this. I am doing my best not to beat myself up. But it's not working.

Gonna end this here. Thanks for letting me vent, b.

xo

Tuesday, May 23, 2023

These days

It's Tuesday and I'm meeting a friend of mine for a drink after work, in about an hour. I'm in a shitty mood though. K. is driving me crazy. My family is driving me crazy. I'm driving myself crazy. I feel like shit. Life is stupid. Fuck EVERYTHING!

Well now that I got that out of the way, what up blogger! I had two beers with my brothers last night, we also had dinner. It was good being with them. The night before I had one beer alone. This will be my third night in a row with alcohol. I don't give a fuck though. I barely drink these days. I have my qualms I suppose but the truth is that it's perfectly ok for me to be doing this. I feel the affects on my mental health but I'm ignoring it because social obligations like this don't come around often when you're all adults and everyone is working full time. But with my brother in town, there's been a lot of social interaction. As an introvert, I am grinning and bearing it. But as a human being, I relish it because I know how rare and important it is.

Well my friend just called to finalize the time and location for our happy hour excursion. I better get ready.

Wednesday, May 17, 2023

Free write

Hump day. I have had a lot going on and had to think for a second which day it is. Work has been busy as usual, I've had some car repairs done, had a therapy sesh, my brother is in town, my friend passed away and we are probably going to his wake. All this since we came back from our trip. I'm mentally strained and it's hard to focus. 

We saw guardians of the galaxy 3 last night and both cried. I have my period but have been thinking obsessively about having kids and asking my man about baby names. I should be ashamed of this but it's primal and very loud. 

The person I spoke with at work about my raise emailed me last night asking if we could talk today. I responded this morning, but then never heard from him. 

What the fuck?

K. thinks it's about my raise: either approving it or a lesser offer. I, being terrified as always of messing up and getting fired, fear that I did something wrong. Why is it so easy to think the worst? I told K. I can't let myself have hope that it could be good. Goddamnit though! Why am I like this! Why so fucking negative!!

Have I been let down a lot? Yes, who hasn't! Have I gone through trauma, absolutely! But I'm working on it. I'm on meds. I'm in therapy. I journal. I try to eat vegetables and sleep well. Why am I still such a mental headcase?!

It's exhausting to feel so much and suffer with endless anxiety. I am so fucking anxious all the time. Is it the weed? Is it the coffee? Sugar? Should I just cut everything I like out to feel better? Could I even do that if I tried?

More questions than answers. More deep sighs.

My neck hurts. Work is over for the day, it's already 6PM. I have no idea what to do with myself. The tempting scroll & smoke sesh beckons me always. But I'm gonna shower. Clean up the kitchen a bit. It was unseasonably chilly all day and I just want to be warm and cozy. I gotta eat dinner.

Today
Breakfast - plain greek whole milk yogurt with walnuts & honey.
Lunch - "anytime" gluten free bar by Pamela's, a mandarin orange, a handful of popcorn
Dinner - ?

Nothing sounds good. I don't feel like cooking. I don't want to order out. The price of what food costs depresses me. The inflation is out of control and I get so angry at the audacious costs these days. 

I'm in a weird mood. Hope everyone has a good rest of the week.
-S


Monday, May 8, 2023

Post vacay ruminations

Home. It was a wonderful, beautiful, restorative trip. We saw so much, including the best sunset I've ever witnessed in my life. We observed birds like egrets and sand pipers. There were lizards and a large snake. There was a moment, when I was staring at the ocean, when I was literally moved to tears by nature's miraculousness. 

Our trip wasn't perfect of course, nothing in life is perfect. We had moments of tension, ride sharing drivers cancelled on us, we both got a sunburn, there was some disappointing food, there was a night we went to bed without having sex. There is a certain pressure to have a perfect vacation, especially these days with social media. He and I are not active on social media but no one is immune to the kinds of posts we're all bombarded with. Our life is kept in the real. Our trip was what we made of it. There was no sharing online and we kept our phone use to a minimum.

I love the gulf coast of Florida. It is truly special and very different down there! Our hotel was on the water, and seeing those views day in and day out had me so very happy. I adore the water. We went to the beach each day, except for the travel days. The sand was cool and white. The water was mild and clear. We are both petrified of sting rays so we didn't venture too far out into the ocean. We ate outside for each meal. I love eating outside. We slept cuddled up, and had some hot sex. I am very comfortable around him. When we are together, my days have purpose. My time is spent intentionally. 

When I am alone, it is a different story. I laze about and languish. I put off meals, or I eat random shit. I put off visiting the store, and have to talk myself into going outside. I smoke weed and scroll endlessly. I binge watch shows. Those are the bad days. Sometimes, I journal, water my plants, play with my cat, read, take walks, clean, organize, practice guitar. Those are the good days. It's always a roll of the dice.

As for today? Well, I'm back "to work". Although it was extremely difficult to focus I got some stuff done but I also did a lot of pacing. Took some extra time in bed past my alarm. Ended early to puff and blog.

Since me and K. are now separated by distance (in our individual apartments) I feel the loss of his presence and yearn to feel him there next to me for my morning coffee, and my evening tea. Like vacay. We were together 24/7 and it was great. I don't know what the future holds as far as joining households but it's far away and neither of us has expressed a rush to get there. He is still remodeling parts of his house and despite how this paragraph started, I love my personal space and independence. It's just that... I'm starting to love being with him more.

Life is weird.

Tuesday, May 2, 2023

Jittery

Hello blog! It's a little past two in the afternoon and I'm feeling decent. In recent posts I made some to do lists and it feels good to share that I've gotten a lot done. I'm ready for the beach! But is my body ready? Sadly, while we timed our vacation to fall under the full moon, it also happens to be a week or so before my period. Meaning I feel bloated! Ugh!

I haven't had the nerve to try on my new bikini since the day it got delivered. This is something I will be doing shortly. I have some cute cover ups and will be bringing two bikinis. I painted my toe nails. I am excited! I just wanna look and feel good. Me and K. fell off the gym wagon, we haven't gone the last two weeks, after such a consistent stretch. But to be fair, we were both extremely stressed and grappling with his health news. He scheduled his tests. We have been bickering. He is in therapy roughly every six weeks. Compared to my every two weeks. I told him I'd like him to go more frequently. Especially now. 

Lol, we are leaving in less than 24 hours and I still need to pack. As much as I love travel and planning, I tend to ALWAYS procrastinate packing to the last minute AND overpack. It's ridiculous. But I'm the type of person who never knows how I'm going to feel upon waking. This means that I require options! I really gotta get this going. It's also a work day and (you guessed it) I'm slacking. Just took one small little hit of weed. I mean, come on. How can anyone focus 100% the day before vacay?

Work has been going ok though. I like everyone I work with and sometimes I feel really good about everything. Last Friday I FINALLY spoke with who I needed to talk to about a higher raise. It wasn't granted but it's pending and there is no final decision at this point and THAT means that there is still hope. Fingers crossed! They did give me a raise, but it was smaller than last years. Hence my attempts..

Well I just got up and worked. Now I'm back to my blog. Woke up with a sore throat but hoping it's only allergies. Took some vitamin C just in case. Not ideal but what can ya do?

I'm all over the place. I should end this post. Enjoy your day!

To commenter K. - thanks for keeping me company on blogger! Out of curiosity, are you a long term reader or did you find this blog more recently? 

XOXO

S.


Wednesday, April 26, 2023

Uninspired

I'm in a shitty mood (again). I tried to go to sleep early, but lay there thinking about everything for hours. This is rare, I usually can fall asleep fast. But there's just so much going on. I'm leaving for vacation in one week - I should be happy! I should be excited! And somewhere deep down, I am. It's just that work is crazy, and life is crazy, and I am crazy. Hence, chaotic instability abounds.

My hands are freezing. We had one beautiful Spring day, and the rest have been so damn chilly. I spend too much time alone at home. Working remote enables my laziness. It's also quite isolating. I have to go in to the office the next two days and dread it. But that's only because it means I am leaving the comfort zone of my safe cocoon. Nobody is looking at me. Nobody is making noise. I am completely alone at home. I love it but I sense it's damaging my mental state.

What to do? Nothing. I'm coasting. A job is a job is a job. I'm not trying to leave. I'm sure as hell hoping to never have to sit in an office for five days a week again. That feels incomprehensible at this point, three years into the pandemic with its associated changes. I just need to do a better job in life. I need to be more motivated. I need to be more disciplined.

No one is watching me and the freedom that comes with that is sweet and tempting. But I am the only one responsible for keeping a roof over my head. I can't say "fuck it" and lay around all day.

It took me nearly two hours to proofread a seven page article. My head feels foggy. I'm tired and stressed. I feel so alone. K. tries to help. But my depression is bigger than us. I have therapy tonight, thankfully. It's very much needed.

Still gotta pick up his last birthday gift, wrap everything, and get a card. I got the baby shower gift for this weekend but need to also get a card for that. I need to do a laundry load of whites and my sheets. I have to clean the cat litter, vacuum, do the dishes, color my hair. I need to try on outfits and pack. Oh yeah, and I need to complete the financials on a work spreadsheet by the end of the work day. We are supposed to hit the gym tonight. My car needs inspection and I have to take out some cash for the cat sitter. 

God, I'm exhausted by life. There's always something to do. And I say I want children? I can barely take care of myself. I feel like such a failure sometimes. I know I'm technically not, but I guess I don't fully believe that I'm not. Constantly seeking external validation that I'm good enough. Constantly fighting insecure thoughts. Constantly making the wrong choice. Like last night for example. I went grocery shopping (finally) and made a great dinner (salad with falafel) and ran the dishwasher but did literally nothing else but smoke weed and read. I should've done more. And now today, it's 1:11PM and I need to do my job but I just don't fucking feel like it. I will though. I'm gonna end this blog and sit down at my desk and figure out these fucking financials. After that, I'll take a break. Maybe a nap. I also need to shower, considering it's been two days. I am disgusting.

Sorry this is such a downer. Thanks for reading and the kind comments. It means a lot to know there is someone out there listening to these unfiltered thoughts. 

xo

Sar