well hello

well hello

February 26, 2015

Ultimate goal weight, and beyond

Holy shit you guys. I've surpassed my UGW of 130.

People keep commenting on my weight. My boyfriend is like, "you've lost so much weight". A patient at work today asked what I eat and said "you look great, keep doing what you're doing". I keep hearing it. Do I see it?

Honestly I haven't even been trying. I just can't eat. I won't binge ever again. Starving myself has become a way of living, ingrained into my routine.

Cigarettes, lots of sex, rarely eating, lots of stress, and the weight falls off. Yes, I am tired, and cold, dizzy, and forgetful, and just generally out of it.

I am 127 pounds and 5 foot 8 inches tall. My BMI is 19.3 and the underweight cutoff is 18.5 and how the hell am I borderline underweight?? I was soo thin growing up and it's starting to feel like this is just my natural body type.

Which brings me to my next thought...what should my new ultimate goal weight be? It was always 130, so now I'll say 120 which will make my BMI 18.2. Not bad.

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I'm moving this weekend. I just had a shower beer. Sleep soon.
Take care, loves.

xx
~Sar

February 4, 2015

Cold turkey

Hey, so, I haven't smoked weed since Friday. Just got home from therapy. Drinking my coffee, feeling anxious. I have a lot to do and a lot on my mind. D. will be home next Thursday.

Why have I stopped smoking? Because I have smoked half my life away and I'm sick of hating myself for it. I have been discussing this with my therapist for months, me stopping. She was proud to hear it's been a few days. Truthfully I cannot afford it because I am moving out at the end of this month. Yup. Out of the city and closer to work, closer to home, closer to D. Big changes ahead.

I am stressed. It's not that I want to pack everything up and move in the winter. It's not that I hate the city or my current apartment. I just am sick of hating myself. I am sick of being broke. The new rent will be $50 cheaper and I'll save on gas money. I don't want to be afraid to walk alone. I don't want to be surrounded by ghetto trashy city dwellers.

As for the weed, *sighs*, I love it. I want to buy some and smoke it. I just don't want to be addicted anymore. The blazing everyday in a constant haze and procrastination is killing me slowly. So are the cigarettes I've been chain smoking as a replacement. My choices are immature lately and I want to change. I want to be better.

I have so many things on my to do list it is driving me crazy! My boyfriend has been gone for five weeks and I told myself I'd accomplish so much! Have I though? Meh. Not really.

Still bleeding from the abortion, yes a straight month of bleeding. Tell your friends, kids. It's not for the faint of heart..I went in for a follow up appointment and tested positive for pregnancy still. I'm chock full of preggers hormones! Fun!!!

God, I am so scattered right now. My therapist encouraged me to blog but the coffee has me fucking hyped. I am sitting with my phone in lap waiting to hear from my boyfriend, pathetically dependent.

I have to pack. I have to renew my health insurance. I have SO MUCH student loan bullshit to deal with. I have to talk to my landlord to see if I can use my security deposit as the last month's rent. (Anyone ever do that?). I have to activate my new phone and mail my old one to them like yesterday to avoid a $500 charge. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

All I want to do is fly away to the ocean and curl up on the beach and stare at the waves and drink a fruity cocktail and then go running and leaping into the water. I want to smoke, dammit! I want my hair to be beautiful again (it's time for a cut/color). I want my boyfriend home. I want to be strong against my cravings.

At least I continue to lose weight. So many people have said, "hey, have you lost weight?". I haven't weighed in awhile but I'm soo down. 15lbs last time I checked a few weeks ago. I mean, it obviously needed to be lost. All my pants are SO FUCKING baggy. I look like a bag lady. I look like hell. My face sometimes hurts from frowning. My face itches! Damn dry skin. Damn winter. Damn snow.

I am sexually frustrated, stressed, annoyed with life and myself and my boyfriend. I hate food, can't fucking eat anything anymore. I need to vacuum and change my sheets and dust and clean and organize and file my taxes. I have so much on my plate and my inclination is to run run RUN AWAY.

Writing sort of helps. I got stuck in my driveway today, lol. The snow is insane where I live. Why do I live here? Ask myself that every day.

Thanks for listening. I gotta get up and smoke a cigarette or something. Losing my fucking mind. Quitting a lifelong habit cold turkey ain't for the birds. God please give me strength.

Have a good one, loves. Thanks for all of your kindness lately. Means so much.
xo
Sar

January 26, 2015

The feels

He's been gone for 21 days and we've had a terrible fight. I just blocked him so we have no contact. I am listening to the Rain Song by Led Zeppelin. I barely ate today. Or yesterday. Fuck food.

I have maintained my new low of 134 pounds. I am 5'8 so I'd say that's pretty fucking good.

Too bad my heart is alone and the pain is striking. We love each other and yet fight so desperately, so madly. We pull out the guns. It's sad. And it lowers my self esteem, which already has been affected by the abortion.

I have drank 4 beers, smoked 2 bowls and about 5 cigarettes since I've been home from work. I am trying to numb the pain. The weird thing is how the pain doesn't get numbed, it lingers. I miss D. terribly. This trip of his, the timing of it, the love/hate we've been experiencing...is just...incredible. Incredibly hard.

Peace to all,
Sar


January 19, 2015

Love

He loves me, he said it and I believe it.

D. has been gone exactly two weeks and there are three and a half more to go. Tonight, he recorded his voice saying, "I love you baby" and sent it to me. I fucking melted.

What we have gone through has been so huge, so life-changing. It is bringing us closer together and I am thankful for that.

Thanks for the comments on my last post. I was extremely depressed that evening. Tonight? Not so much. Work is an excellent distraction. My therapist is amazing. My boyfriend loves me. I have sweet and open-minded readers. Feeling good about life.

Coincidentally, I am out of weed. I am energized without it yet the craving is tremendous. I will most likely be re-upping tonight. I don't dare try to sleep without it. I need to get restful sleep or I'm a bear. My friend will probably deliver some in an hour or so.

I have no food in the house, nothing. I desperately need to grocery shop. I actually stopped at Wegmans today but only bought cat food. #win.

Have a great night babes.
xx ~s

January 12, 2015

After

It's been a week and three days since I aborted my baby. I thought I was coping decently. Today, stupidly, I watched a video explaining the life stages from conception to birth with accurate and fascinating pictures. I stared at the seven week picture out of curiosity and the need to feel reconnected. I watched this in the last hour of my workday.

On the way home, driving 60 mph on the thruway, I could feel that tight hot ball of grief-guilt-anger-sadness forming in the pit of my stomach. A tear slid out, my face hardened, enough crying, dammit just drive. Another tear. An escaped sob to assuage the poisonous emotions wrestling to release. I made it home through blurred vision. My cheeks hurt from frowning and holding back tears. My arms, my heart hurts.

My baby is gone. I killed it. No Sarah, you didn't kill anyone. You made a choice to end a life. Ok that sounds a lot like killing.

I need D. Well sorry, he's out of the country. There's no one else you can really talk to. Not family. Friends don't understand.

I killed my baby. Stop. Just fucking stop goddammit.

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It's been a week and three days since I aborted my baby. Life has gone on. I recovered, physically, quick. I took my antibiotics and ibuprofen. I hung out with my boyfriend, the only person who has any inkling of knowledge of what I'm going through. He's gone now, away for another month. I've survived a week without him. We've chatted over facebook every day, thank god. I need him so bad right now.

Work has been a decent distraction but it's been too slow with all the snow and the time to think is getting to me. Time is crawling by.

Last week I drank. This week? Hell, maybe I'll write.

Thanks for listening.
xx
~S


January 1, 2015

Scarlett letter A

Tomorrow is the big day. I have done a lot of reading and research this week, a lot of talking and crying and over thinking...but I am not in denial. I understand that I was supremely irresponsible, and for that I must pay the consequence which is making an impossible choice.

I know that I am not ready for a baby. I do not want to have a baby this year. Yes, I am 28 years old and plenty old enough to have one, but it is not what I want right now. As you all know, I like doing what I want. Isn't life just a series of decisions regarding what you want next? Hell, they even say if you want happiness you've got to choose it.

As for me, I choose life. MY life.

Of course it is heartbreaking to feel me and D.'s unborn embryo in my tummy. I can definitely feel it, I am a changed woman. I have been able to say aloud "I am pregnant" and know that it is as true as you and me.

It sucks to know that I am choosing not to let our unborn embryo live. It sucks that this had to happen now. It sucks that I was so foolish regarding birth control. It sucks that I will have to live with this choice for the rest of my life.

But maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I will be ok.

I believe this is happening for a reason. What is the life lesson here Sar?

Tomorrow is the big day and I am nervous as can be but also excited for it all to be over. I don't want to be pregnant right now. I don't like feeling nauseous (all day sickness - not just morning). My boobs KILL. I have no sex drive. I have no appetite and then I'm ravenous but nothing sounds appealing. I haven't been able to touch coffee and sushi sounds like the worst thing in the world, two of my previous faves. My mood has been all over the place. My emotions are...insane.

Tomorrow it ends. Tomorrow I walk out of there a free woman. Tomorrow I have to face reality and face myself and forgive myself and love myself and forgive the universe for dealing me this hand.

D. is going with me. It was luckily never a question. He has fluctuated between handling it great and totally freaking out. He is scared of course, and the timing could not be worse as he is leaving the country for a 5 week backpacking trip through central america on monday. We will miss each other and he will do his best to support me over the phone but for the most part I will be leaning on myself.

My parents do not know, nor my siblings. They may never. I have told three close friends and my boss. I am being called on to be strong right now and it will be a real test for D. and I's relationship. I can do this. I will be ok.

I am not in shock anymore. I am borderline accepting of the entire thing. Therapy this week helped a ton. D. is helping a lot. Music and maryjane help.

Thanks for the love and for reading about my life. Tomorrow is the big day and I am asking for your prayers/good vibes that everything goes smoothly. I never wanted to make this decision, you guys. I never wanted any of this but it's here and all I can do is what's best for me and hope to eventually forgive myself.

I'm sorry baby. Mommy is not ready for you yet. I hope and believe that your beautiful and innocent soul will be sent to someone loving, mature, present, financially stable, and ready to devote her life to you. I'm sorry it is not me, not yet.

xo
Sar


December 27, 2014

BIG news

I'm pregnant.(it's D.'s).
I have an abortion scheduled next friday.

PLEASE, if you have any tips or advice, let me know.

*petrified*

Happy New Year to me.

December 20, 2014

Holiday greetings

Happy Saturday! It's 11:30AM and I'm awake, drinking coffee. Tomorrow is the winter solstice. I am happy about this because I NEED more daylight hours. Been taking Vitamin D every day to attack the seasonal blues.

Less than a week to christmas and I haven't shopped, but I will, today. I was sick with a cold for like 9 days and still not 100%. The sickness coincided nicely with D. and I's latest breakup. My period is late. Only two days and it's probably stress.

I cut my hair again, a few inches and trimmed up the layers. It looks alright. Don't see myself going back to a hairdresser any time soon. Cutting it is too fun. Something about taking scissors to your self and trimming away excess.

Speaking of, at my last weighing (last sunday) I was 133. I've lost 17 pounds since Spring.

Without really trying. I guess the years of ednos thoughts became my reality and food is just nothing to me anymore. I just don't really care about food.

The only reason I eat is because I know I'm supposed to, and I should fuel my body.

Hence, the weight loss. All of my clothes are big. I feel good about it but as I've been saying since the beginning, I do not look sexy in baggy clothes.

Ugh. I am still in shock over the breakup. Like, is it really going to stick this time? Maybe.

In about two weeks he is leaving on a month long vacation through central America. It will be an ideal time for me to move on. Right now I still don't fully believe it. I'm trying to accept it though.

I changed my facebook to single, deleted his pics (most of them), and am telling everyone and myself that it's over.

The truth is that I never wanted it to be over. I cared for him very much. Our relationship had a  lot of struggles but sometimes it was truly perfect and we were so cute. The fights were out of control though. I take most of the blame for that, though he has many issues to be worked through in his life.

He made me happy, he made me sad, he made me mad. The sex was incredible and very satisfying. The rest, meh.

I have to be strong. It's time to be Sar again.

Love and peace.
xo

November 20, 2014

Snowvember

What is going on with reality? My life has stopped making sense. I am listening to Phish. My boyfriend is verbally abusive, immature, fragile, and doesn't trust me at all. In his words, he "trusts me not to give a fuck". Ouch.

My hands are cold. My stomach is nauseous. I've smoked half a pack of cigarettes after over a month without. I can't eat.

I can sleep but I keep getting interrupted by my downstairs neighbor who works until close at a bar (4am) then comes home loud, drunk, and usually with a dude. So I've been waking at dawn and being unable to fall back asleep some nights because of her ignorance.

It makes me want to move. Everything makes me want to move.

I have stopped writing, stopped practicing guitar, stopped caring about anything but the drama with my boyfriend. It's weird because I realize it but I do nothing to change. I'm comfortable using him as a distraction. It takes the focus off me and my loser life.

Alright, I'm not a loser but I am making $12/hour, socially awkward, and barely hang out with anyone anymore. I am for the most part ok with this. However I do see that in comparison to others I am lacking: cool hobbies, defined talents, money, material items, marriage, babies...the list goes on.

My hobby is reading. Nerd hobby.
My defined talent? Meh, hard worker? Good at giving head? Keeping plants and a cat (and myself) alive? God I am lame.

When I take a closer look at myself I see that I am shallow, self righteous, judgmental, temperamental. I see the bad.

I need to remember how to be the light, see the light, be at peace.
I need to start praying again. Or something.
I have become stuck. I want to be released.

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I am looking quite thin. 5 foot 8 and 135 pounds. This is a good weight for me. My arms and legs look smaller. My ribs and hipbones stick out and I have a bony clavicle and defined cheekbones. I am unstable - smoking - eating a spoonful of crunchy peanut butter (just one, cannot swallow - thanks anxiety!). I need to end this post.

Peace,
Sarah

November 11, 2014

Tex

Where do I even start?

I just got back from San Antonio, Texas for a sweet business trip. Had my own hotel room and the opportunity to learn a lot, it was great. What I've always wanted.

D. and I ended up making it a "break". If break means talking every day all day. We haven't seen each other in over a week, since before my trip. He is making it pretty clear that he would like to see me. I am undecided. I am indifferent.

Things were messed up between us but the space hasn't exactly helped. I am open to seeing him but nervous that I'll mess up hardcore and hurt him.

I am doing ok. As ok as could be. Work is going well. Had fun in another state. I've kept the weight off, give or take a pound. Haven't weighed. Going to wait a couple weeks to weigh again, to make sure I'm maintaining.

I gave in and bought some pot. Blazing and being lazy tonight. Have a good one.

~Sar

November 3, 2014

Distraught

I'm down 14 pounds. Just broke up with D. Fuck my fucking life.

October 8, 2014

Needy

Oh you guys, why am I so lost and confused? After work (it was already dark) I grabbed my pepper spray and walked a couple blocks to a bar. I chugged two beers. Now I'm sitting here stressing and obsessing. The alcohol was supposed to help. I'm smoking, which is also supposed to help. Nothing helps.

I can't even break "the dealio" down into a nutshell, as much as I want to. Things with D. are as varied as ever. We have a solid week of goodness, and then a few awkward ass days and nights. He is going through a tough time. His cat ran away over a week ago and he took a nail to the head at work. I am needy as fuck and losing my shit over the space and distance he has placed between us. I try to understand that this is how he deals. Except...it doesn't quite work. I am not able to understand why he doesn't need me.

My hair is fucked. I hate my fucking hair.

I have largely ignored this blog because I've been obsessed with D. I fancied myself falling in love. The harsh reality is that it's too soon for that.

Music helps though. I do love music. Currently listening to Guster - Satellite.

Work is fine just not enough hours or money it seems. I am consistently broke and barely managing to pay all of my bills. I need work clothes and new glasses yesterday. I need to go to the dentist. I need to take my cat for a check up (it's been a couple years).

*heavy sigh*

It will all work out. Que sera sera.

Xo
-s

September 26, 2014

I analyze

I was alone in the office yesterday so I weighed myself on the digital scale. I am officially down ten pounds since April (last time I was weighed for a physical). Unbelievably happy about that. I knew I had lost but I didn't know how much. *smiles*

My appetite has just been...gone. I know why too. Part of it is being so poor. I don't/can't spend a lot of money on food. When your shelves are stocked with canned goods and your fridge holds american cheese and bread and your freezer has frozen vegetables it's like what the fuck, I don't want any of this.

So I just...don't.

On the other hand is my roller coaster relationship. Yes, the fights have continued to the point of us almost ending it. Did I mention to you guys that I had been skipping therapy? Well, it affected me big time and I have spent the past couple weeks dumping so much shit on my man. Anger, jealousy, insecurity, etc.

Thankfully I realized I needed to see my therapist asap and went twice in the past week. I was able to analyze my *fucked up* behavior for two helpful hours. Can I apply what I learned? Time will tell.

Gotta believe in myself. This isn't my first rodeo. It feels like it though. I am all butterfingers and awkwardness. I am holding back and being inauthentic as a weak attempt to avoid vulnerability. The problem is, relationships require it. I am desperately afraid of putting my heart on the line. Afraid of what, you ask? Getting hurt. Lame, huh?

To break it down further, it seems that I avoid pain/discomfort. Hence, the heavy marijuana use and isolation from people who could potentially harm me.

The solution? Stay. In. Therapy. Do some thinking, walking, and drinking. Love myself. Trust D. with my heart. It'll either work out or it won't but if I don't get a handle on the fights I start then I will be alone for real.

PTSD is a motherfucker.

Think thin, loves.

xx
Sar