April 9, 2014

Look out the window, see how the sun is shining? Get offline and go outside!

How are you guys? I'm dandy, quit my serving job at the restaurant last weekend! How irresponsible of me!

According to my mom, the depression is to blame. I am not a lost cause, however, and have scheduled my first appointment with a mental health counselor next week. Here we go again... I am exhausted at the possibility of starting from scratch with my story but it has to be done. I do need help.

I think I know what else I need, just lack the motivation to make a change. So for now I have one part-time job (facing down a week of unpaid vacation - spring break) at the school. I will not be able to survive financially for long. It is time to update my resume and find one full-time job.*

*that I can handle.

I am weak, my friends. Weak and impulsive as fuck lately. The sex. The quitting. The drinking til I puke. Bad decisions coming from a dark place. I don't know if I'm doing this all for the story, to be dramatic...or if I literally cannot help myself.

I have this crazy (but perfectly logical) fear of stds/pregnancy (from my one night stand) and have not even called my gyno yet. Speaking of "him" (let's just call him Z), we've texted a tad but it's faded away. It seems that keeping in touch will not be an everyday thing. At this point I'm just trying to keep it real, not sure where he's at.

Life is varied and without reason! I'm confident and petrified but restless. I crave change but seemingly do better with routine. I want to move so bad. By the ocean. I've been saying it for years!!!! but it hasn't happened. Why do I prefer solitude, my own company over others? I say, "there's no one close to me" and believe it until the reality of it hurts somewhere deep and untouchable.

I need touch and physical proximity but when it's in front of me sometimes I shy away, not being able to handle what comes next - the feelings, the comfortability, the mundane? I know parts of myself and yet there's a never before discovered infinite reservoir within.

I still haven't touched the meds my doc gave me. I self-medicate, look it up.

My heart is racing. I drank two cups of strong coffee and smoked a little herb. I vacuumed and called my mother. I'm actually going home for the afternoon - laundry and dinner with the family. Pizza. Which is why I'm not eating lunch. Yes, I'm trying to restrict.

I need to be out in the sunshine. It's beckoning me!
xo
-S

April 5, 2014

Is there a reason for anything?

It's late Friday night. I worked until 1AM and there is nothing to eat here. I'm smoking and drinking water. I feel the emptiness within. I've been starving myself all week. I need to be thinner. I let it go for a brief bit, but that's done.

We texted a few days but conversation with Z. faded quicker than I thought. I never got the plan B. I could give a fuck right now.

I drank so much at work tonight. Everyone was. It's getting bad there.

It's late and I'm supposed to be back in a few hours for a meeting. I've made the decision to skip it. I'll get there when I get there to work a freaking double. Fuck them. So much drama. Everyone is fake. It's stressful and I'm getting ready for a change..

C. has been really volatile, accusing, and defensive towards me. He sent me some dramatic texts and even called me when I was at work tonight. Of course he doesn't answer when I call him back. Men! So confusing and fickle.

I need to sleep. Good night.
xo

March 31, 2014

Once.

Unprotected sex with an understudy. He was passing through town, on tour, and ended up in my section of the restaurant on Saturday. I waited on him, we flirted, he left his number and we met up after my shift. We clicked with an interesting rapport. A real mental connection. Of course my fragile heart got involved. We spent the night together in the hotel and even had breakfast. A first for me, usually I try to get out of an intimate situation as fast as I can.

He is already in another city. I texted him "bon voyage" this morning, he said "thank you" and that's it. I can't blow up his phone but I want to keep texting him. I want to hold on tight to the night we shared but for what reason?

I am not interested in a long distance relationship and he will be away for months. Plus he will probably renew his contract which would extend his tour until next year. Before we parted: he said I could travel to see him, that I'd have a place to stay. Did he mean it? Did I ask him? No. Our goodbye was quick. I erupted into tears as he strode away, purposefully.

What was it about him? Or is it just the fact that we had sex? I have been crying off and on for 24 hours. My bff is advising me to take the "plan b" pill, but I'm apprehensive. I've never taken it before. He pulled out. Stuff happens though, and some secret fucked up part of my mind is imagining what if? I'll probably take the pill as a precautionary measure for my own peace of mind. Fifty bucks down the drain.

Deep breath. I am drinking a whiskey and iced tea. I am off tonight, thank god, because work is just going to remind me of him. God, it's so fucking unfair. I finally meet a smart, sexy, kind, and generous man but he is the worst kind of unavailable!! It felt right! He propositioned me. He paid for me. He noticed things about me. He talked to me. He kissed me. I did nothing but be myself!

I got a taste of this...good feeling. He is someone I would want to be with, for real. I haven't felt this in so long. And yet...he's gone. I don't know how he REALLY feels. I'm not going to chase him. I suppose I have to accept what is. The ball is in his court.

The truth is, I could feel myself acting different around him the "morning after". I was self-conscious, shy, and being weird. I knew the inevitability of him leaving and I put a wall up. Looking back now, I should've been better, I should've lightened up a bit. I'm going to try and leave this all as an experience I'll never forget. He left an impact on me. If circumstances were different, we'd be in each other's lives. I will say...the sex was great.

My thoughts are all over the place right now. My will to write has been lacking. I need to try harder in so many areas of my life. I want love so bad. I have to love myself first. I have to be secure somehow.

I "miss" him but it's not miss. It's a kind of mourning...the loss of a potential friend or maybe more...the loss of the part of my heart that he took on a plane with him this morning, as he flew in a big silver bird across the country, away from here, away from me. With me and away from me and I'm without.

I'm hurting but I'll be ok. I don't know what's going to happen but I know that I will be alright.

xo
Sar


March 23, 2014

Relaxed reflections

A day off! What to do? I think I will rearrange some furniture. It's Spring now, after all. Always a great time to refresh the space or look.

Speaking of which, I have great eyebrows. I have been "growing them out" for awhile, years maybe, because I overplucked a bit in college. My aim has been to achieve a fuller, face-framing look and it's here. I pluck, I've never gotten them waxed. Maybe I'll show you sometime.

What's been going on with me: Work, lots of it. Surprises taped to my front door from my best (guy) friend, C. (Who I've wrote about before). Getting over being sick. Binging a little, feeling fat and thin in the same day. Lots of weed and music. Encounters with exes. 

My mood has been somewhat stable this week. There are a few things I've done lately that make me feel proud of myself. Like when someone gave me too much change while breaking a twenty dollar bill at work, being honest and giving the ones back (instead of pocketing them). Or when I asked my dad to have dinner, just us two, and we went. Or when I stopped at my friend's house who was having a bad day and cheered her up.

I've been working on being more honest. I am trying to rack up positive moral karma. I am trying to be a good person. I AM a good person. A great person? TBD..

I know I've been wrong and bad and been involved with dishonest affairs of the heart and mind. I am not perfect. I have struggled and self-sabotaged. I will most likely continue to fuck up, as people tend to do. But I have been making a concentrated effort to "do the right thing". When I try to explain this to the few people I've tried to explain it to...I've been met with silence or questioning. Do you understand?

It's my day to myself and I vow here and now that I will not waste it. Granted, it's 12:15 and I'm still drinking my coffee and trying to get motivated. Mary jane accompanies me. Also, the xx radio on Pandora.

Peace~
~S

March 19, 2014

Woke up in a pissed off mood. Screamed at my cat. Brewed some coffee. Started the dishes. Took a hit of weed and have been blasting music for 45 minutes. Now it's time to shower and go to work. I'm trying so hard to turn this day around.

It's been a good week. I can't let the darkness in/win.

March 6, 2014

Scripts

Morning everyone. I have health insurance now (thanks Obama!) so I went to my doctor the other day for a physical. I left with four prescriptions. She gave me amoxicillin and ibuprofen for my sinus infection (yep) and xanax and zoloft for my depression/anxiety. I haven't touched the latter. I'm dead scared too. Weight gain is a side effect and I'm in way too much denial to take crazy pills.

I have been taking the other stuff. Been sleeping like a log. Starting to feel a bit better thankfully. Currently flying on some strong coffee and about to leave for work. I missed two days again this week.

D. and I texted a little and he insisted that he hasn't hooked up with that other girl. I am caring less and less. Also, M. and I hung out the other night for like four hours at my place. We were sober (at first) which was a first - until we blazed. Then we had two beers. Then we kissed. Remember M.? Apparently this is still a thing.

Go me, "hooking up" with two guys in just over a week. No sex. Lots of tongue kissing. It feels good to be desired, even if it's only sexually.

Gotta bounce. Peace!
xx-S

March 2, 2014

Hotel song

So I survived a partial shift at work with D. We haven't texted or anything since Fri. He was coming in today as I was leaving; approximately 25 minutes of awkwardness, at least for me, while I rolled silverware and pretended to never see him.

That's right, I completely ignored his presence, outwardly. Inside my head and heart I was so aware of him. He looked gorgeous, for one thing. I am very attracted to him. Why wouldn't I be? I have a soft spot for handsome asshats, remember?

For his credit - he was acting different too. More reserved, noticeably less flirty, and I even caught him looking at me. Once.

*one hour later*

Just got off the phone with my sister. I love and miss her (she lives out of state). I'm all talked out. Peace!

March 1, 2014

Bad girls like bad boys

Well it appears that D. (dude from work that I hung out with three times and made out a lot with) is actually a huge player. LMAO at my stupidity. WHY do I keep liking the players? WHY do I think I stand a chance against the games and smooth tactics and fucking god damn lies?

Let's back up. Tuesday. Me and D. get drinks after work. We have a great time. Talking. Connecting, Kissing. We end up back at his place making out for hours in his bed and cuddling the rest of the night. I was *feeling it* you guys...and I've been on "cloud nine" because of it. And then...tonight. Work. He is a crazy flirt with just about every girl, one in particular. As the hours pass by I become weakened. And then it's clear to me to the kind of guy he is. UNAVAILABLE as hell. And I feel so fucking stupid.

And it hurts. And now it's 3AM and I've had two beers and a resin toke and a cigarette. I'm feeling some feelings. I texted him that I think he's a player and I want it all behind me. It's late - I know he worked two jobs today and has his kids. He may be sleeping (we both worked until 2AM) and obviously has not responded. Do I care?

Do I even give two shits? Maybe. No. I don't know, probably. You guys understand, right?

Jesus. I am regressing. 27 going on 14. It's sickening and I hate myself and yet I just want to be kind to myself. But it's so fucking hard when I get involved in these...situations.

All I can do is blast some Florence and the Machine and tell myself it'll be ok. Hopefully.

February 21, 2014

The latest

It's been a week since I've posted and of course there have been changes. To start: I worked lateee nights last weekend to a hungry, cheap crowd. All of the servers were frustrated and dejected. There is a guy at work that I find attractive. We went out for a drinks with one of the cooks a few weeks ago. I've worked with him a few times since.

So last Friday, after a bat shit crazy shift (Valentine's day) we decided to go get wasted. It was 2AM. You know where this is going, right? We ended up back at my place "for a glass of wine". One minute we are sitting on my couch looking at videos of his kids (yes KIDS) the next we're making out.

Next thing I  know I'm waking up in my bed (alone), with a vague recollection of what happened. I blacked out. We both did. In the morning he joined me in bed and we joked and laughed. Real laughs. He had to go back to work for a double and I would be in later. I sent him off with an apple and he gave me chills down my spine with a soft neck smooch.

He actually texted me a few hours later. When I went to work, we were flirty and extra polite and maybe even blushing a bit, both of us unsure of how everything went down but with the shared knowledge that we kissed and then went to sleep. Seperately.

I haven't worked with him since then and I checked the schedule, I won't be seeing him this weekend. As you might expect, I'm slightly attached now. Trying not to be. Him and I have had a connection since he started at the restaurant, a few weeks after me. I feel like I am very real and true to self around him, even if it's me just being a drunken hot mess.

Sigh. He has two kids that live on the other side of the state. He drives out there every other weekend. He has an ex-gf. He has baggage, clearly, but who doesn't? I don't even know how he feels. There have been no mentions made of a real "hang out". Oh, and he's very flirty with everyone. He is so outgoing, but with an old fashioned charm. He unlocked and opened the car door for me which REALLY impresses me because it happens so rarely. He also paid for my drinks.

So, we'll see. You guys know me, Ms. Boy Crazy. At least I'm over M. He's texted me a time or two and I've just ignored it. In other news, I was quite sick all week. Finally feeling better. I'm working tonight, all weekend actually. Just took some dayquil and a vitamin for the hell of it.

My mood is somewhat stable today. A little anxiety last night. I've made a few important calls and resolved a few nagging issues so patting myself on the back for taking care of business. I've been eating alright, whenever I get sick I get super paranoid so I am sure to eat vegetables, fruit, whole grains, and tea. I also swear by Oregano Spirits. Oh, and I've been smoking pot consistently. No cigs though (win).

Have a great weekend!

I'm going to hop in the shower and take my time getting ready for work. When I'm made up with my hair done I feel way more confident. Thinking big money, too. Send money luck my way I'm working for those tip$ guys! :)

xo
-Sar

February 14, 2014

Sickly

I've had stomach issues lately. Last night, I woke up and puked. I tried to stop it. I didn't want to throw up. But it had to come out. It was so weird throwing up because I am sick (?) and not because I'm making myself purge. The difference between the two is real and my struggle to control it bothered me.

I still feel nauseous. I called in sick to work today but I absolutely have to work tonight at my other job. I'll be there in two hours, rain or shine. I need to shower and try to feel better. I haven't ate. I feel dizzy. To top it off my period started today. Guess we'll just see how it goes.

[TMI alert]
It's sad how much I love looking at my stomach after a hearty puke and like 15 hours without food. It came out so violently and painfully last night that it even went in my nose. So I smell it today but I feel thin. A sick and twisted trade off.

I gotta go, you guys. Happy V day, if you celebrate. I am (obviously) not. Sick, working, no valentine...but it's alright. It really is.

peace
-S

February 8, 2014

The mind of a sociopath

What's that saying, it take 21 days to form a routine, or something similar. I've been singing the same self-destructive sermon for a decade. It doesn't feel like there's hope for me.

Saturday (today): Sleep in. Struggle to physically leave my bed. My body aches. My stomach sticks out, the product of a late night numbing binge. My face itches. My hair feels gross. My thoughts instantly turn dark. I put on my glasses and gaze around my room - it's a mess. Clothes everywhere. A dusty floor. Chaos leaking out of my closet. Ghetto posters left over from college taped to my cracking walls. 

Walk into the living room and it's the same story. Messy and unorganized. It stinks. I need to clean the cat's litter but oops, forgot to buy cat litter when I was at the store last night (buying frozen pizza). Walk into my tiny kitchen and put the coffee on. Wash dishes. Leave on the counter to dry. Check facebook and feel depressed all over again. Pour cup of coffee. Repeat. Now I'm here.

I have reached a new level of depression. This wave has brought me down below the ocean floor. This entire week was AWFUL. My mood was TERRIBLE. I binged EVERY DAY. I spent money on fast food nearly every day. I got a parking ticket. My hair looks like shit (I cut it). My attitude has just been straight up poor and I've done NOTHING to help myself.

On top of everything, I was "called off" work at the restaurant TWICE this week. I just paid rent. I am BROKE and PISSED about it.

Looking back to Monday...my good friend came over. We had a nice talk. Her life is going great. Full time job, new boyfriend she met online who adores her. She's pretty, with money. And...she told me that I lost weight. I denied it immediately. There's no way, right? But apparently my stupid subconscious was like SCORE now you can EAT!. And eat, I did.

And now I sit here, with the understanding that I spent at least $40 on binge food this week, with the stomach of a fat person, with the mind of a sociopath, and I just...hate myself. So inexplicably much.

I'm supposed to go home today. To do laundry and file my taxes. Haven't seen my parents in about a month. It's already 1PM and I haven't showered. Must. Get. Moving.

Oh, and last time I wrote about M. I was fine, dealing with it alright...until he pulled the disappearing act again. I emailed him, kept it cool and casual and he wrote me back right away. Basically saying that he was sexually attracted to me but didn't appreciate my attitude (remember I told you I was swearing at him via text before he came over?). He said, "it's not a good idea for me to be around people who lose their cool so much."

Ah, hell, he's right. I do lose it. I lose my mind. I am unable to stop myself. I am so lost.

How do I turn it around, you guys? How can I help myself?? 

January 25, 2014

Guess who slept over last night?

So here's how it happened: I worked last night. I was only there for a couple hours but I made decent money and had a customer compliment me. I was feeling good. I hadn't drank all week so I stopped at the store on my way home for some wine. It was on sale, two for $10.

I came home, poured a glass, grabbed my pipe, and slipped into something more comfortable. I sat down at my laptop and proceeded to veg out for a bit. Then I read something about how "all work and no play makes people dull". I don't want to be dull. I decided to liven up my night and text some guys, including M. and my neighbor Jake.

Jake instantly texted me back and invited me over for a drink. His buddy was coming too. At this point I'm two glasses in. I quickly got ready and walked across the street to his house. We ended up listening to music, playing cards and drinking games. It was a mellow mood, nothing crazy, but I had a fun time and got trashed. I finished the entire bottle of chardonnay. The guys were going to go out to the bar and I was not up for it so they walked me home. I looked at my phone. M. had texted me again, we had been texting for a few hours...

So I'm laying on the couch in my apartment at 2AM and we're sending crazy text messages. I'm saying I'm mad at you, swearing (ie. fuck you and go to hell), etc...basic psychotic shit typical from me. I'm wasted, falling asleep with my phone by my ear. 

RING goes the phone and it's M. He's HERE, down in my entranceway. (I give him props for remembering which house is mine, I couldn't pick his out). I run down the stairs in a blur, swing open the door, and there is he, smiling at me.

It was the first time I've seen him since the dick sucking drama. He comes upstairs and we start talking stuff out intensely and honestly because we are both under the influence. I turn on the music. We smoke, drink. Later we're outside smoking a cigarette (probably 4:30AM) and he asks if he can crash on my couch.

What was I going to say, no? Of course not. I said that's fine. ;)

Fast forward 15-20 minutes and he's in my bedroom, on my bed, petting my cat, who is sleeping there. I join them, the cat jumps away. It's just me and M., in my bed. He takes off his shirt (like to prepare for sleep) and asks me if I'm comfortable. I said not yet and get up to brush my teeth, wash my face, take out my contacts, and change. I put on some soft pj pants and a flimsy cami. No bra. 

We hadn't kissed or anything up until that point. The vibe had been pretty positive with a little sexual tension in the air. In bed, laying next to him felt really good. We started making out. hardcore. It was getting really hot and heavy. Our bodies pressed against each other like magnets. The blankets fell to the floor in our passion. And there truly was passion...we were really in the moment.

I *knew* that I would not go "all the way"!! I have suffered in the past weeks over getting so intimate with him before being in an exclusive relationship. I knew *for certain* what the boundary was and made it clear to him, which he respected.

We just danced on the edge. And it was truly amazing.

I need to be blunt, because as you know when writing your mind can veer off. I'm there last night right now (in my thoughts). We could've fucked *so* easily and it would have been so good. So good. He was turning me on soo much. I was really into it. We both were. Damn.

This hasn't happened in a long time. I haven't been getting much action at all...since my ex and I broke up last April.

Anyway, we didn't have sex or oral sex, just some kissing and touching and I have zero regrets. I feel fine with happened. All I can do is not overthink everything.

This morning was interesting/cute. We only slept for a few hours when he rolled over and asked me what time it was. He had to get up early today because he's helping shoot a music video for a local band.

We cuddled for a couple minutes and actually did the morning breath kiss (which I hate) but I didn't mind. Too much. He got out of bed and started pacing around my apartment, getting tylenol, getting dressed, making phone calls, and then out of the blue he started talking to me. About feelings and shit. I responded in my somewhat sober tough as nails but detached way. I am not sure what we concluded, if anything.

Then he was gone and I was alone, so unbelievably hungover (bottle of wine and barely anything to eat - amateur mistake). After puking my guts out, I went back to sleep.

The only other person who slept in my bed here in this apartment was my ex.
My head is still pounding. Need to shower and get out to the store. There is literally no food here. 

I will buy fruit, soup, peanut butter, raisins, mixed nuts, salad, frozen vegetables, probably some sliced cheese and maybe chocolate. Pretty normal trip for me. This is what I eat. (I usually have whole grain bread in the house also). Trying to expand my horizons with food. I never cook. I want to be more feminine and embrace cooking. I felt bad that I couldn't even make him something to eat this morning.

Oh my god. M. slept over and we hooked up. I'm amazed at how things come full circle. I was getting over him! I wasn't stalking his fb page (anymore). I didn't respond when he texted me on Wednesday (forgot to mention that). I now realize that we will most likely cross paths again. I am alright with this new development. This thing between us does not feel finished.

Still busy as hell and just going to focus on me, but I want more of that hot passion. Getting a little action is good. Fingers crossed we pick it up where we left off. Who knows what will happen? Such is life.

Thanks for sticking through to the end, I know this was a long post. I am going to start my day now (my only day off this week). It is evening technically and we got so much more snow but I'm going to make some moves and ensure a good rest of my night. Gotta nurse this hangover still. Back to work in the AM.

Men. Can't live with them. Can't live without them.
Love you so much, readers.
Peace,
and love...
~Sar

Edited to say: I never made it to the store.

January 21, 2014

In your atmosphere

Greetings Earthlings.

I'm chillen in between jobs. I'm essentially working a split shift monday through friday. Job number one in the morning. Job number two in the evening. Errands/nap in the two hours between. Doubles on the weekend.

This month started off with binging. Well...no more. I am back on track and very motivated to lose weight. My latest thing is cheekbones. I think sharp bones on a woman's cheek are incredibly stunning. This is my next goal. My face tends to puff up and I need to shed some pounds so I don't look like a cow.

I ended up having this stupid text convo with M. where I told him I felt used and he said "I def didn't use anybody" like a little bitch.

Ahem. I'm trying not to be hateful but it's hard because he hurt me. We have not been talking at all, or texting, or hanging out since that last time. He can deny it all he wants but something obviously happened: he either got what he wanted or decided I was a ho who sucks everyone's dick and didn't care to continue where we left off.

Little does he know. I'm not a slut. I don't do that all the time. I was enjoying his company. 

Anyway, in the above mentioned text conversation he apologized (no explanation or suggestion to hang though). Yes, it was over text but it's better than nothing...and it *seemed* sincere. So I'll give him that. I just need to be OVER IT all. It's taking too long. 

I had a legit debate with myself today about deleting him from facebook. How did I not realize that he comes across like such a player? The past five or six people that have posted on his wall are all chicks! I don't want to see it and I don't necessarily have the discipline not to look. In the end, I kept him as a "friend" on there and WILL make it a point to stop checking his page. I deserve the peace.

I am exhausted. I've been smoking way too much and working wayy too much and sleeping like shit. The best thing I'm currently doing is making sure I at least get my veggies. Gotta get ready for the restaurant. Best thing about it is all the walking around and lifting heavy plates. 

Hope all is well with ya'll.
xo
S