I don't even know where to begin

Good morning! It's Monday at *checks clock* noon, so "good morning" isn't accurate. Good afternoon! I am sitting in my apartment, at my desk, typing away at my laptop. The cat is in the window next to me. My coffee cup is ready for a refill. *gets up for a refill* Ok I am back. Does it seem like I'm procrastinating? 

It's hard to admit, let alone share with others, but I got fired two weeks ago.

An hour later. Am I ready to face myself? Can I write about this? The cat has moved to a spot on the floor. The coffeemaker is empty and unplugged. Sipping on the last half a cup. Listening to "The Fear" by The Shins.

So, let me back up. I wasn't happy at my job. It started out well, but the last few months haven't been the best. I was frustrated by the review and miniscule raise I received. It was a big adjustment when we were forced back to the office full time after WFH with hardly any notice. The culture, atmosphere, and employee morale were insufferable. It was noisy and unorganized. I updated my resume and began plotting my escape. I wanted to move on, but I wanted to wait until I'd been there at least one year. I would fall two months short of that goal...

To paraphrase a long annoying story, I requested to continue working from home part of the time back in May when they made us give up our hybrid schedules. They were receptive but did not give me a firm answer. I went in everyday and did my job and paid for daily parking. Not paying for parking was such an awesome perk of working from home. One of many!

Three weeks later I followed up, and still had no yes or no, just a wishy-washy "we don't know yet".  Meanwhile, coworkers across all levels were working from home and rumors were flying about preferential treatment. 

Another week goes by and I decided to follow up with someone higher up. No answer, just more B.S. A week later, I emailed them early in the morning and said I wasn't feeling the best and planned to work from home. An hour into my workday they told me to take a sick day. Two days later they let me go for violating policy by working from home.

It's been a struggle. I knew I was technically playing with fire by declaring my day a work from home day. But after covid, and seeing coworkers working from home without issue, and never getting a solid answer to my request after nearly two months, and just all the day to day toxicity, all of that and more... overwhelmed me so I acted. I made a choice. So did they. Because not giving someone an answer is an answer in itself. I felt disrespected which made me care less.

There are more painful details, but I hesitate to get into it too deeply here. I cannot live in the past. I have felt shock, anger, hurt, confusion, relief, sadness, pain, uncertainty, a sense of loss, depression, anxiety, and a sense of getting what I wanted, just not in the way I wanted it.

I wanted to be out of there. I was looking for other jobs. And they fucking fired me. 

Edit - it's been over an hour and I still haven't finished or published this post. I'm just not able to focus right now.

I'll be back.

The Squirming Coil

Good morning and happy Sunday! Oh how I love the weekend and being off work. My job stresses me out, and depending on the time of month, I get serious about quitting. Pretty sure I have PMDD, a cyclical mood occurring before my period starts. A week or two before my period I become more miserable, moody, anxious, and depressed. I feel like: quitting my job, dumping my boyfriend, deleting friends and family who annoy me from social media, selling/throwing out all my possessions, and moving. Lol. It's pretty dramatic. Like clockwork, my boyfriend and I fight. 

But today I am bleeding and happy. Those crazy feelings really seem to cease when my period begins. It's wild. A few more days til vacay! I can't wait! In the meantime, I've been keeping lists and shopping and cleaning and packing and daydreaming! The ocean calls me!! I am answering the call.

I really should find a focus for this blog. I feel like I'm all over the place here. But I guess it doesn't matter. This is my outlet. Blogger has been here for me since 2008.

Let me back up a bit, and start over. It's Sunday. I am drinking coffee and about to blaze. I relish this feeling of freedom. Me and my man are getting together later. He always sleeps a bit later than me, so I'll get a call in the next hour I'd guess. We're pretty predictable. We are falling in love. We are days away from our first ever romantic getaway as a couple. I really can't wait. Not just because I love where we're going, but because I love getting so much quality time with him, without distractions like work and life.

I do hope and kinda expect to marry this man. I've said this about nearly every man I've ever dated but it's different with him. He is my best friend. We laugh, and talk, and walk, and play music, and have similar interests but different hobbies which keeps it interesting. He is hot. I am still in disbelief that I have a boyfriend! After years of dickwads. Finally! He likes me! He loves me! He thinks I'm someone worth being with! He bought me flowers the other day! What the hell?! How did I get this lucky?! After alllllll the horrible mistakes I've made? Like I said.. disbelief. I wonder when that'll fade. 

I deserve it though, that's what I gotta remember. I deserve love and happiness, same as anyone. Same as you! We all do. 

Not everything is perfect of course. Our recent fight sucked. I am working on the fighting issues with my therapist. I look back on my life and see the pattern. Every relationship had fighting, mostly due to my out of control rage, and it always was a reason for it to end. I refuse to allow that to happen again but if it does it will be my greatest punishment. 

My therapist has been a godsend. Even though I have come so far, I have soooo far to go. My therapist always makes a comment like "It's good that you're aware" and my response is always "It's been a lifetime of this". I am sick of it. I want to be well.

Needless to say, for now things are good. We are excited for our trip and fun things happening this summer. I am ok with work, my home, my life. 

Do I look in the mirror and literally hate the way I look daily? Yes. But, I am working on that too. We live in a superficial society, unfortunately. That is just a fact. The older I get the more I compare myself to the younger beauties of this world. It's so stupid! I hate comparing myself and yet do it constantly. Weight, hair, skin, clothes, teeth, shoes, all of it. But looks don't matter, right! At least they fuckin shouldn't. But we all know they do. 

My goal is to find some sort of acceptance with my looks and aging. I have a pretty deep understanding that to age is much better than to pass away young. I have experienced much loss, and when it's young people it's just so brutal. Therefore, I am profoundly aware of my luck for continuing existence.

I just wish I could have prettier hair. I got a bad cut about two months ago (side bangs) and it's been messing with my head so I've been taking scissors to the length. Also, the grays. Omg the grays.

Accept it Sar! Own it! You have curly hair, love it! It's never going to look like someone else's hair. I am unique, I am miraculous, I am happy, healthy, wealthy, lucky, loved!!! Goddammit.

I'm hyper. More later. Much love to you!

Musings about money, myself, my weight

Good morning all. I'm sitting comfy in my living room, working from home today. Still on a hybrid schedule with some days at home, other days in the office. I love it and hope it never changes, but fear the change is coming soon. There is something about being paid to spend the work day at home, in my peace, with my cat, no one around. No weird smells coming from the kitchen. No outside chatter floating into my headspace. Nobody watching, nobody judging. 

I like the office, and my coworkers, for the most part. But when I'm there the days seem so much longer. I have to wake up earlier, get all presentable, pay for parking, walk through the elements, compare my outfit to the outfits of the younger, more stylish women, be "on" all day. I gotta hustle. Which is fine! But my god, these work from home days have kept me sane.

Getting laid off in the pandemic last spring was awful. It was a shock. It was terrifying to lose health insurance during a global health crisis. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. But, as usual, I made shit work. I had savings and found something new in a reasonable amount of time. To outsiders, I am sure I made it look easy. Truth is, it IS easy to live within my means and to find work. I will do just about anything to make money. I know what I'm good at. I know what I have zero interest in. I know what it's like to be poor and to live on a budget therefore I am not a big spender.

However.... I've been getting a little too comfortable online shopping. Nearly every weekend lately I login to Express or Target or Amazon and buy myself a little something. I know why this is occurring.

One: There has been nothing to really do; money hasn't been spent on drinks/dinners/happy hours/concerts/festivals/events/ubers/tips/etc. So it *appears* that I've been saving money, which I use as justification that it's ok to treat myself. 

Two: I have went without for so long. I have bought myself the BAREST OF BARE essentials since leaving my parent's home. I didn't even use to buy coffee creamer because I was too poor. I have clothes from college, I repeat, 11 year old clothes that I wear on the regular. So much of what I own has been given to me. Sure it's good that I can fit in old stuff (win!), but it's OLD STUFF. And I'm working full time for god's sake. So yes. I have been purposely purchasing things like a bathing suit, a coat, shoes, some home decor, new sheets. And it's fine!! I have to tell myself it's fine.

But running out of money scares the hell out of me. I need to be careful. Spending $100 once a week is $400 per month. On me!! Do I deserve it? YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT. But I don't always feel that way..

This all is on my mind for a pretty big reason. Me and my boyfriend recently got vaccinated against covid and decided to BOOK A TRIP!!! WOOHOO!!!! You guys know I love the beach and that's where we are going! I cannot wait!!!! We have been dating for about 16 months. I do NOT expect him to pay my whole way so we are splitting a lot of the costs. He makes a buttload more money then me and will be chipping in more but my worried mind keeps telling me to SPEND LESS in preparation for this trip. At the same time, hello, romantic beach getaway with bae. I need a cute dress! I need a sexy bathing suit! I want to be the hottest or at least one of the hottest girls in the resort! 

At least my weight is down. The one thing that's been getting to me lately is my waist measurement. It won't seem to budge from 29 inches. I want to lose 1 or 2 inches around my waist, then I'll feel more comfortable in my body I think. Lol yeah right, are we ever comfortable?

I want to tell my man about my eating disordered past, but I can't seem to think of a good enough reason to. I want to tell him about the purging. But why? Just so I can share my secret with someone? So he can understand me better? So he can maybe recognize why I must be thin? I don't know. Maybe I just hate keeping things from him. But what good is bringing up the miserable past? 

It's sometimes hard for me to believe that I have lived my entire life preoccupied with my weight and how I look. The patriarchy at work, ladies and gentlemen. And I'm a feminist! I don't exist to look good for men!! And yet... I am obsessed. Still! Mid -thirties and how I look can ruin my day. It's shameful, and I need to be confident or at the very least APPEAR confident. So maybe that's why I can't tell him. If I don't have confidence I don't have shit.

xoxo~Sar

Saturday vibes

Spring is really here, the sun is out, I left the house wearing just a hoody. No hat, gloves, scarf. About time! I love the warmer weather. Everything is blooming and it's beautiful.

I've spent some time re-reading this blog, particularly my college years and the time immediately following that. I spent 2 years at my parent's house, looking for work and partying it up. There were some hardcore bulimia details. Sometimes I forget how long that madness spanned. It was a cruel act and I hated myself back then. 

Things have gotten better. I look back at the girl I was, and feel sad. I have been through some shit, there is no doubt, and I don't have to convince anyone or myself, because it's just a fact. But for so long it's been entwined in my identity. I have a trauma to talk about for every day of the week. It's true! What I want though, is to purposefully begin holding it a bit looser, and not so close to my heart. I want to start defining myself as a person who has grown, who embodies acceptance and peace, not a person who is still healing from the past.

For awhile now (the last few years without major distressful events occurring - not including the pandemic), I've had an impenetrable shield up. I've been cold, inscrutable, invincible, argumentative and defensive. I've held onto my traumas as my excuse and justification and I allowed them to define me. I used them as a barrier between myself and others. I wanted and needed them to define and protect me. 

I want and need to understand myself and to help others understand me. Understanding why I act and think and talk the way I do, why I keep a distance, why I'm so serious now, and how to improve, has been of the utmost importance lately.

I want to distance myself from the trauma. I am so much more than the shitty things that I've done, and the nightmares that I've lived through. I am a good person. I care about others and myself. I protect loved ones and my heart. I have good intentions and faith in the process of life. But I have to literally force myself to smile sometimes.

I am very serious about therapy. I really trust and appreciate my latest therapist. We have been working together since last Fall. I am showing signs of progress.

Here's an example of my mindset prior to therapy, and it continues to a lesser extent these days:

I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT. I NEED YOU TO BE FRAGILE WITH ME, AND FEEL SORRY FOR ME, AND RECOGNIZE MY COURAGENESS, STRENGTH, AND DETERMINATION. I NEED YOU TO BE THE VERY BEST POSSIBLE FRIEND/FAMILY MEMBER/PARTNER/COWORKER BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT WILL BENEFIT ME THE MOST AND I WILL BE CRITIQUING YOU!!!!! SO DO IT OR DEAL WITH MY FEELINGS AND WRATH!!! HELP ME! I AM NOT OK! SAVE ME! LOVE ME!!! OR FUCK OFF!!!!!

*takes a deep breath*

Sorry for the caps, but it felt necessary.

For too long, I have lived mind over matter. I indulged my broken thoughts while being stuck in survival mode. It's my priority finally to fix it. I am doing the goddamn work and it's helping me. I want to be well. My therapist encourages me to focus on the good life I've created for myself.

Facts:

1. I live in an awesome apartment. I pay my own bills and work full time at an interesting job to support myself. I have the money to treat myself. I have begun paying it forward with larger tips and donations when possible. I am developing hobbies and have a good work/life balance.

2. I am in relationship. A happy, healthy relationship. Over a year now. I can see us together forever. I think he can too. My approach was different with him. I had standards, I took it slow, I eased into opening up, I've brought him around family and friends. I trust him. But it hasn't been a walk in the park, we've had long discussions about emotions and feelings and trust and what we want out of our relationship and the best ways to support one another. We've had bad fights, that sometimes take a couple days to really work through. But we want this. He is cool. He has never showed one sign of violence. He doesn't know every single thing about me, in other words I have kept some boundaries in place. But he knows a lot more than any other man I've ever been with. I let myself keep the hope for us. 

3. I am determined to be happy, healthy, and mentally stable. I don't want to be the way I was anymore. I want to be better. I quit smoking cigarettes for good 2 years ago. I go to all the doctor's appointments. I prioritize sleep, eating healthy, and taking vitamins. I am trying so hard to develop automatic good coping mechanisms, this part is taking me the longest. I am also working on remembering to breathe.

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Ok so now I'm getting a little tired of blogging. I want to get back into it though. Miss this place. Treasure this place, to be honest. If anyone still cares about this kinda thing, my weight is 125 now. I went on an antidepressant last year that has really affected my appetite and weight. I do love being this thin.

xoxo, Sar

 Happy New Year! Hello 2021!