well hello

well hello

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Guess who slept over last night?

So here's how it happened: I worked last night. I was only there for a couple hours but I made decent money and had a customer compliment me. I was feeling good. I hadn't drank all week so I stopped at the store on my way home for some wine. It was on sale, two for $10.

I came home, poured a glass, grabbed my pipe, and slipped into something more comfortable. I sat down at my laptop and proceeded to veg out for a bit. Then I read something about how "all work and no play makes people dull". I don't want to be dull. I decided to liven up my night and text some guys, including M. and my neighbor Jake.

Jake instantly texted me back and invited me over for a drink. His buddy was coming too. At this point I'm two glasses in. I quickly got ready and walked across the street to his house. We ended up listening to music, playing cards and drinking games. It was a mellow mood, nothing crazy, but I had a fun time and got trashed. I finished the entire bottle of chardonnay. The guys were going to go out to the bar and I was not up for it so they walked me home. I looked at my phone. M. had texted me again, we had been texting for a few hours...

So I'm laying on the couch in my apartment at 2AM and we're sending crazy text messages. I'm saying I'm mad at you, swearing (ie. fuck you and go to hell), etc...basic psychotic babble typical from me. I'm wasted, falling asleep with my phone by my ear. 

RING goes the phone and it's M. He's HERE, down in my entranceway. (I give him props for remembering which house is mine, I couldn't pick his out). I run down the stairs in a blur, swing open the door, and there is he, smiling at me.

It was the first time I've seen him since the dick sucking drama. He comes upstairs and we start talking stuff out intensely and honestly because we are both under the influence. I turn on the music. We smoke, drink. Later we're outside smoking a cigarette (probably 4:30AM) and he asks if he can crash on my couch.

What was I going to say, no? Of course not. I said that's fine. ;)

Fast forward 15-20 minutes and he's in my bedroom, on my bed, petting my cat, who is sleeping there. I join them, the cat jumps away. It's just me and M., in my bed. He takes off his shirt and asks me if I'm comfortable. I say not yet and get up to brush my teeth, wash my face, take out my contacts, and change. I put on some soft pj pants and a flimsy cami. No bra. 

We hadn't kissed or anything up until that point. The vibe had been pretty positive with a little sexual tension in the air. Laying next to him felt really good. We started making out. hardcore. It was getting really hot and heavy with our bodies pressed against each other. The blankets fell to the floor in our passion. And there truly was passion...we were really in the moment.

I *knew* that I would not go "all the way"!! I have suffered in the past weeks over getting so intimate with him before being in an exclusive relationship. I knew *for certain* what the boundary was and made it clear to him, which he respected.

We just danced on the edge. And it was truly amazing.

I need to be blunt, because as you know when writing your mind can veer off. I'm there last night right now (in my thoughts). We could've fucked *so* easily and it would have been so good. So good. He was turning me on soo much. I was really into it. We both were.

This hasn't happened in a long time. I haven't been getting much action at all...since my ex and I broke up last April.

Anyway, we didn't have sex or oral sex, just some kissing and touching and I have zero regrets. I feel fine with happened. All I can do is not overthink everything.

This morning was interesting/cute. We only slept for a few hours when he rolled over and asked me what time it was. He had to get up early today because he's helping shoot a music video for a local band.

We cuddled for a couple minutes and actually did the morning breath kiss (which I hate) but I didn't mind. Too much. He got out of bed and started pacing around my apartment, getting tylenol, getting dressed, making phone calls, and then out of the blue he started talking to me. About feelings and shit. I responded in my somewhat sober tough as nails but detached way. I am not sure what we concluded, if anything.

Then he was gone and I was alone, so unbelievably hungover (bottle of wine and barely anything to eat - amateur mistake). After puking my guts out, I went back to sleep.

The only other person who slept in my bed here in this apartment was my ex.
My head is still pounding. Need to shower and get out to the store. There is literally no food here. 

I will buy fruit, soup, peanut butter, raisins, mixed nuts, salad, frozen vegetables, probably some sliced cheese and maybe chocolate. Pretty normal trip for me. This is what I eat. (I usually have whole grain bread in the house also). Trying to expand my horizons with food. I never cook. I want to be more feminine and embrace cooking. I felt bad that I couldn't even make him something to eat this morning.

Oh my god. M. slept over and we hooked up. I'm amazed at how things come full circle. I was getting over him! I wasn't stalking his fb page (anymore). I didn't respond when he texted me on Wednesday (forgot to mention that). I now realize that we will most likely cross paths again. I am alright with this new development. This thing between us does not feel finished.

Still busy as hell and just going to focus on me, but I want more of that hot passion. Getting a little action is good. Fingers crossed we pick it up where we left off. Who knows what will happen? Such is life.

Thanks for sticking through to the end, I know this was a long post. I am going to start my day now (my only day off this week). It is evening technically and we got so much more snow but I'm going to make some moves and ensure a good rest of my night. Gotta nurse this hangover still. Back to work in the AM.

Men. Can't live with them. Can't live without them.
Love you so much, readers.
and love...

Edited to say: I never made it to the store.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

In your atmosphere

Greetings Earthlings.

I'm chillen in between jobs. I'm essentially working a split shift monday through friday. Job number one in the morning. Job number two in the evening. Errands/nap in the two hours between. Doubles on the weekend.

This month started off with binging. Well...no more. I am back on track and very motivated to lose weight. My latest thing is cheekbones. I think sharp bones on a woman's cheek are incredibly stunning. This is my next goal. My face tends to puff up and I need to shed some pounds so I don't look like a cow.

I ended up having this stupid text convo with M. where I told him I felt used and he said "I def didn't use anybody" like a little bitch.

Ahem. I'm trying not to be hateful but it's hard because he hurt me. We have not been talking at all, or texting, or hanging out since that last time. He can deny it all he wants but something obviously happened: he either got what he wanted or decided I was a ho who sucks everyone's dick and didn't care to continue where we left off.

Little does he know. I'm not a slut. I don't do that all the time. I was enjoying his company. 

Anyway, in the above mentioned text conversation he apologized (no explanation or suggestion to hang though). Yes, it was over text but it's better than nothing...and it *seemed* sincere. So I'll give him that. I just need to be OVER IT all. It's taking too long. 

I had a legit debate with myself today about deleting him from facebook. How did I not realize that he comes across like such a player? The past five or six people that have posted on his wall are all chicks! I don't want to see it and I don't necessarily have the discipline not to look. In the end, I kept him as a "friend" on there and WILL make it a point to stop checking his page. I deserve the peace.

I am exhausted. I've been smoking way too much and working wayy too much and sleeping like shit. The best thing I'm currently doing is making sure I at least get my veggies. Gotta get ready for the restaurant. Best thing about it is all the walking around and lifting heavy plates. 

Hope all is well with ya'll.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Do I wanna know?

It hurts to hurt. I'm not in a good place right now. I couldn't sleep again last night, my racing thoughts and heart were echoing the anxiety I've felt for so long now. I think I need meds or a shrink. I'm not happy. I'm so full of hatred. I hate hating myself. It's hard to stop when I screw things up so unbelievably much.

Since M. didn't bother to contact me, I couldn't resist seeing what would happen if I reached out. Two nights ago I sent him a funny text. He responded immediately asking how I am. I texted him back after like 15 minutes and then never got another response.

So yeah, here I am two days later feeling the void of rejection and vulnerability. It's a shitty void to feel, not like the good void of restriction. I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for giving him head. We are not dating. Why did I allow such intimacy? How could I be so stupid??


Wednesday, January 8, 2014


I feel like such an ass. You know how M. and I have been talking again? Well he came over last night. My area has been getting rocked by the blizzard so everyone has basically been staying in and drinking. Anyway - I was drunk. We were hanging out, smoking, talking, listening to music and just enjoying each other's company in a mellow setting.

The next moment we're kissing and getting naked. He's hard as a rock. I put my hand on him and he says in a soft voice, "you've made my dick hard". I knew what to do. The choice had to be made. I say back, "maybe I should do something about it" or something sexual like that. He sits down on my couch, I get on my knees and suck him off quickly and expertly. His cock is huge.

It was awkward afterward. We're half dressed and he just came. Normally a guy would be like, "my turn". Well my life isn't fucking normal. He didn't say anything, just put his clothes and coat on and started for the goddamn door. No pleasure for me. No offer to go down on me. No "that was the best blow job I've ever had". No text when he got home. And haven't heard from him yet today.

I feel like such a fucking ass. Did he use me?? We were having a good time and this was like the fifth or sixth time we've hung out. I was just "in the moment" you know?? Am I a slut?? For what it's worth, he does seem like a decent guy. I just don't know him well enough.

Feeling so confused today. Trying like hell not to regret. Trying not to send him a text. Thank god I go to work soon. That will get my mind off this mess. Maybe it's not really a mess and I'm totally overreacting. Maybe he feels ashamed. Maybe he feels nothing. Maybe he is done with me. Maybe he is a total player...

...which reminds me. Him and I are facebook friends and he's been on fb all day (per the newsfeed scroll thing on the side). Becoming friends with people. Liking people's stuff. Some fake looking blonde wrote on his wall today, "hello old friend" or some crap like that and HE WROTE HI HOW R YA? BACK.

Fuck! I'm an idiot.

Deep breath. No regrets.

Chalk it up as experience.

This is not the end of the world.

Stop freaking out and get on with your day.

Any comments/ideas/advice GREATLY WELCOMED at this point.


Friday, January 3, 2014


2014 is off to an interesting start. I haven't worked yet. Was called off my job yesterday and we got a snow day at the school. Supposed to go into the restaurant tonight, which will be the first time I leave this place in days.

New Year's Eve was a pretty good night. We were surprisingly slow at work so I didn't make a ton of money. Got back to my place around 1 AM and texted some friends to come over. Ended up having some drinks and smoke with a cool crew. It was a better night than I had hoped for. And I didn't have to be out at the bars so that is always a plus!

Been texting with M. again, ever since last week's show/fiasco. I didn't really blog about it, but basically he was one of the guys I was hanging with, the one who said I play games. We have somehow cleared the air. We have been exchanging some really honest messages and I feel confident that we will, at the very least, be friends. I'm glad about that.

Haven't heard from B. in days, but I don't really care. It's hard dating two guys at once. I think every girl should try it, but it's not for me. It's too confusing. Plus I have the tendency to feel guilty about everything. So maybe if I do it again I'll be completely honest with everyone involved.

My hands and lips are so dry. Water and lotion doesn't cut it in this awfully cold weather with the heat cranked. My hair is getting too long. I haven't had it cut in months. Haircuts cost money, so does dye. Maybe with my taxes I'll splurge on a salon day.

Well I suppose it's time to be truthful, it's time to write about what I need to write about, even if there is disapproval and judgement. I have been binging this new year away. I have gone through two bags of corn chips and two jars of salsa. I've ate chocolate and cheese. I've had some beer. I feel fat to start the new year off but telling myself it's ok, it's fine, I can get control again.

Starting today. It's 2:30PM and no food yet. I'm drinking coffee and planning to fast the rest of the day, followed by restriction for the rest of the weekend. I need this. I feel better when I'm empty. I've also been somewhat constipated which, as we all know, does not help anyone feel thin!

I'm going to chalk the binge up to: generalized anxiety about life, frigid weather making me want to hibernate, and being off work. I give myself permission to start over this weekend (now that the junk food is out of the house). Also, after paying rent I'll be broke again so ALL extra money will go towards bills and not disgusting food.

It's all uphill from here. I can do this. Have a great weekend, and happy 2014!