T. and I have been doing some actual talking. I think I am completely infatuated with this dude. I think he knows it. I think there could still be a chance for us, though he says he does not wish to pursue anything romantically. I am hoping for the best. He is not my only priority but he is a damn good distraction. He is sexy and smart and hilarious and adorable and it takes everything in me to not reach out and touch him when we are standing or sitting so close. I keep replaying our conversation today over and over in my mind. I was calm, cool, and collected. Our eyes were locked in each other's gaze. His gorgeous brown eyes peer into mine so tenderly and fully sometimes I can only sigh and look away. I am a fool for love. I am not in love but damn I could be.
I won't give up though, oh no. I will not give up on thin either. Today:
[Breakfast] black coffee & banana.
[Lunch] Luna protein bar & another banana & black coffee.
It's only 4 in the afternoon but fuck it. I refuse to eat dinner. If I decide I will die without something than I will allow myself one orange. Because I'm not giving up on thin.
My roommate C. is beautifully and oh-so fragilely thin. I love her hip bones and spine. They stick out through her tank top, I don't check her out when she's naked. I mean, I'm not saying I wouldn't haha, but really I only want to see T. naked at this moment.
I could definitely see a difference in my body this morning after last night's gross binge. I looked bloated and felt spongy and thick. Luckily, the coffee helped me use the bathroom and EXCRETE some freaking weight. I know that if I restrict intake for the rest of today than tomorrow I should wake up feeling good, which is great because tomorrow starts a crazy weekend here at my college. It's a concert and party weekend. Lots of boozin'.
I will be staying away from beer, obviously. Beer is SO fattening. I love watching freshman girls down their beers at bars and parties, because I know that it will be catching up to them, shortly. Ha.
For this weekend I think I will get vodka. Maybe a pint of orange juice to chase it with, I could use the vitamin C : )
I am finally feeling better, but I truly think it has something to do with seeing T. today. His presence seems to unlock my seratonin supply and send it soaring through my veins, resulting in Happy Sar.
Happy, but wistful.
And sad sometimes.
But today is a good day.
I took care of a bunch of shit. I just NEED to study. Omfg Sar, just study already, study study study study study study study study study studystudystudystudy.
Thanks for the lovely comments, beauties. I appreciate them so so much, especially now, with all this crazy shit that's been happening. It is so enriching to know that I am "connected" to people out in the world. I guess this place isn't so bad, after all.
I'm so tired.
I need to study.
Nap first, I think. Yeah, that sounds grand.
I want to nap two hours of this day away, and it'll get me that much closer to the end of the day. I just want to starve, really. So I suppose I will. I know I will. Being thin is so damn important. I need this like I need air in my lungs. I can't function when I feel fat. That is a fact. Can you? I have been struggling with ana and mia behavior for years and I wish I could look back to a time in my youth when I wasn't worried about weight.
I was always "the skinny one". My best friend from back home, before she really knew me (when we were in 8th grade), called me "skinny girl". Ha. She used to squeal, "Your bones!" in the summer when I was wearing a bikini. She thought it was funny.
I thought it was a compliment. I began to need that reassurance. I internalized it. I demanded it from myself, and for awhile, when I first started college, I put on a few pounds. I hated it and myself and from then on this has been a daily battle.
I don't want to be normal. I want to be thin and powerful.
So I will.
Thin is the Ideal.
xo <3 Sar