well hello

well hello

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Erotic nature.

T. and I have been doing some actual talking. I think I am completely infatuated with this dude. I think he knows it. I think there could still be a chance for us, though he says he does not wish to pursue anything romantically. I am hoping for the best. He is not my only priority but he is a damn good distraction. He is sexy and smart and hilarious and adorable and it takes everything in me to not reach out and touch him when we are standing or sitting so close. I keep replaying our conversation today over and over in my mind. I was calm, cool, and collected. Our eyes were locked in each other's gaze. His gorgeous brown eyes peer into mine so tenderly and fully sometimes I can only sigh and look away. I am a fool for love. I am not in love but damn I could be.

If only.

I won't give up though, oh no. I will not give up on thin either. Today:
[Breakfast] black coffee & banana.
[Lunch] Luna protein bar & another banana & black coffee.
[Dinner] Nada.

It's only 4 in the afternoon but fuck it. I refuse to eat dinner. If I decide I will die without something than I will allow myself one orange. Because I'm not giving up on thin.

My roommate C. is beautifully and oh-so fragilely thin. I love her hip bones and spine. They stick out through her tank top, I don't check her out when she's naked. I mean, I'm not saying I wouldn't haha, but really I only want to see T. naked at this moment.

I could definitely see a difference in my body this morning after last night's gross binge. I looked bloated and felt spongy and thick. Luckily, the coffee helped me use the bathroom and EXCRETE some freaking weight. I know that if I restrict intake for the rest of today than tomorrow I should wake up feeling good, which is great because tomorrow starts a crazy weekend here at my college. It's a concert and party weekend. Lots of boozin'. 

I will be staying away from beer, obviously. Beer is SO fattening. I love watching freshman girls down their beers at bars and parties, because I know that it will be catching up to them, shortly. Ha. 
For this weekend I think I will get vodka. Maybe a pint of orange juice to chase it with, I could use the vitamin C : )

I am finally feeling better, but I truly think it has something to do with seeing T. today. His presence seems to unlock my seratonin supply and send it soaring through my veins, resulting in Happy Sar.

Happy, but wistful.
And sad sometimes.
But today is a good day.

I took care of a bunch of shit. I just NEED to study. Omfg Sar, just study already, study study study study study study study study study studystudystudystudy.



Thanks for the lovely comments, beauties. I appreciate them so so much, especially now, with all this crazy shit that's been happening. It is so enriching to know that I am "connected" to people out in the world. I guess this place isn't so bad, after all.

I'm so tired.

I need to study.

Nap first, I think. Yeah, that sounds grand.

I want to nap two hours of this day away, and it'll get me that much closer to the end of the day. I just want to starve, really. So I suppose I will. I know I will. Being thin is so damn important. I need this like I need air in my lungs. I can't function when I feel fat. That is a fact. Can you? I have been struggling with ana and mia behavior for years and I wish I could look back to a time in my youth when I wasn't worried about weight.

I was always "the skinny one". My best friend from back home, before she really knew me (when we were in 8th grade), called me "skinny girl". Ha. She used to squeal, "Your bones!" in the summer when I was wearing a bikini. She thought it was funny. 

I thought it was a compliment. I began to need that reassurance. I internalized it. I demanded it from myself, and for awhile, when I first started college, I put on a few pounds. I hated it and myself and from then on this has been a daily battle. 

I don't want to be normal. I want to be thin and powerful. 

So I will. 

Think thin.





Thin is the Ideal.

Be thin.

xo <3 Sar

Alien Ana.

Today ended with a disgusting binge. I hate myself for feeling so fat right now. It's making it hard to concentrate on anything other than what I can do to make this fat-feeling go away.
[Breakfast] organic granola (190) with almond milk (40) and coffee (0).
[Lunch] sweet potato with margarine (250), banana (75).
[Dinner] chips (130 cal), ice cream sandwich (190), cookie (180), candy corn (500).
See? My day was going great until I couldn't handle making healthy choices for dinner. Idiot. I'm afraid to total the damage but (sigh) let me pull out my calculator.

1555 calories for yesterday (it's after twelve now-ha, thank God).
Not as bad as I thought but still horrific. What the fuck is up with me craving sweets tonight? Oh I know, I am apprehensive about several things, including: telling my boss tomorrow morning that I won't be working there over the summer and asking him to let me come back in the Fall, paying for the summer class I registered for (I tried to use my mom's credit card, and there was an error, and it's night so I can't really deal with it until tomorrow morning, after class and before I go talk to my boss), a major test on Friday, T, and the last week of classes/finals week.

I am stressed and this was a stress binge and I should be getting my period tomorrow or Saturday so that is obviously contributing to my sugar cravings and I HATE it!

Ugh, and every time I log into Blogger (which is a million times a day) I never have comments. 

What the heck, I want to read what you have to say!!!

And yet, I still sit here procrastinating my ass off.

Pathetic and fat, not good feelings to try and find sleep on.

Last night I dreamt that an old friend bit off her fingers by accident and it was really freaky and surreal. I was myself, she was her. I woke up me, and alone.

All I want to do is puke out every single one of those fifteen-hundred fifty-five calories.
Why won't I?

Because I'm fucking scared.

I have so much more to say, and no reason to say it. Is anyone even out there?

Sunday, April 25, 2010

One body...

Without music, I'd want to die.

Just felt like putting that out there, I seem to enjoy making pro-death statements...to shock, to haunt, to...warn? My parents came today. We went out to eat (of course) and I had ate only apples prior to their arrival, so I perused the menu with abandon in hopes of finding something healthy and delicious. What I got was neither, though it was in the "fit from the farm" section. Gag me. I ate an "omelette" made with fake, cholosterol-free eggs and spinach, onion, and tomato blended in. It came with one slice of dry toast and some cut up fruit. I ate all the fruit and the entire "omelette" and one half of the toast with apple butter spread thinly on. I drank hot tea. My parents ordered fatty, disgusting things that I won't mention here because recalling them sickens me, and my stomach is already feeling funny from the food.

I came home and snacked on some crackers. Food has no taste at all; I have been sick all weekend. I couldn't taste what I ate at the restaurant and I couldn't taste the crackers so why did I bother eating? Because I was forced. The dinner and crackers were gifts from my parents. Food gifts. What the mother-FUCK?
(Ok, I know I wasn't forced to eat the crackers after they left but they were there and would NOT have been if my parents did not come visit) (Oh, the sad, sad, justification I so desperately type out, damn my approval-seeking ways).

I don't want to eat, damnit. I want to feel weak and thin, like the wind could push me aside roughly on its way elsewhere. I want to be so skinny that 75 percent of the bones on my body stick out. I want to lose more weight. I want all of my jeans and shirts especially and bras and panties and hell, even socks to FALL off me. I will be thinner. I will. I HAVE TO.

I can't let food become my crutch and my curse again. Before, I was eating and staying locked indoors. Before, I was embarrassed of my naked body. I will not let "before" be the present. I will STAY STRONG, damnit, because I have no choice here.  I could never be happy being fat. I could never be happy with extra poundage. I could never be happy looking down and seeing blubber, you know why? Because it make me sad! All of my concentration and focus goes out the window when I look down and see fat. I will never get anywhere in life feeling like that. That is why it's crucial I stay thin and more importantly, get thinner.

Since I can no longer think of homework (could I ever?), I will read some more of this brilliant novel and then try to sleep. If sleep will not come than I promise I will only take one tylonel PM.
Love to you all.

Good night.

Think thin, darling. You only get one body, make it the best and most beautiful it can possibly be.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Claim your happiness; dance to your own music.

I have the place to myself all weekend; both roomies left town and left me alone. Last night I was scared shitless. Today I woke, fed my cat, made some tea, did the dishes. I will shower shortly and then go to work. Normal? Maybe.

My entire body aches .. I don't know if it's still from all that Yoga or what or maybe I just have the flu. But I can't move right. I can't sleep right. I am having dreams with the fire in the background. Dreams that I have to pack everything and move real quick, in one night, what do I pack first? Ha, now I have barely anything to pack once I leave here. I hate dreaming sometimes. I haven't dreamt about T. in awhile, which is probably good. Once I start dreaming about him I then I have officially slipped over the edge into obsession.

Speaking of T. Oh, I like him. A lot. But not enough to put him first. He is clearly not putting me on any kind of pedestal, though he did upload TONS of music for my (new) computer yesterday. One of the nicest things he could do, really, because I love music. Alas, he went home for the weekend. As did my roomies. As did EVERYONE but me. Because I am afraid to go home. Home is where I was the day before and of the fire. I remember sitting at home, before making the drive back to college town that fateful Monday, and just feeling so...peaceful.
It was a gorgeous day, I had laundry done, I was excited to see my kitty after a night away. I drove back. I brought a million things up and down those stairs. I napped. I woke. I was wearing pjs and no jewelery. The alarm went off and everything I had ever known or cared to live around went up in smoke. It all vanished in the flames, along with my sense of structure and stability.

Damn it all, let me hit this bowl.

* coughs *

Yeah, I'm sick for sure. I can't breathe or smell anything. Body aches. Fatigue. Period.


I don't know if I had a point with this post. Just wanted to muse a little, I suppose. I have so much going on, so many decisions to make. I wish someone could help. Or do I? Maybe the weight of these decisions is supposed to be enormous, entailing me to really think things through.


If life were easier...

I binged yesterday..it's gross.
Popcorn.  PB&J. Ritz crackers with jelly. Flatbread pizza (no crusts-this was lunch). Chinese fried rice and vegetables (dinner). Chocolate.
All of those snacks. They are eviL!

Seriously, what the fuck? That is a TON.. Yesterday was A FAILURE. No wonder I feel so full...and heavy. I was feeling lonely. Ah, the old familiar fucked up feeling of loneliness. I remember you.

I am crazy. I am definitely feeling fat today. My hips are dull points, but points nonetheless. I won't eat before work. There, what a quick decision. I am on my second cup of tea, actually. I can never eat when I am sick, anyways.

Well readers, all I really want to do is sit here and listen to music and type or read and comment but you know what really needs to be done that will make me feel so much better?
A long, hot shower. Or maybe a quick, warm one. I'll see what directions my thoughts take once I'm immersed in the steamy hydro.

Think thin, please. Save some resources for the others. I will be starving today. Anyone with me? Just for the day, let's do a quick fast. It'll be cleansing.

Love to you.


Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I am not okay.

Things are far from wonderful. I am sick now. Little food and sleep will eventually do that. I have a headache from crying endless tears.

T. is driving me crazy (surprise, surprise).

I don't even know what to say right now. Everything is a mess. School might just kill me. I have a paper due on Friday that I have not started. All my teachers just expect me to be fine, well I am not. I am alive, sure. But not fine.

Today I ate: cottage cheese with mixed berries. vegetable soup. 2 slices of wheat bread (80 cal each) dipped in the soup. an apple. an orange.
Total cals? About 750?? That's a guess..

That's it, and I feel huge. I hate food. I did some walking today, some yoga yesterday. Ha, yesterday was 4/20 and I smoked lots.

Then I started feeling sick, and here I am. Feeling sick, feeling tired. Feeling unloved. Feeling unlucky.

I can only express myself in certain ways. The rage inside is too much, at times, and I do believe it scares people.

Ughhh I just want to die, or melt away, or disappear, or SOMETHING.

All I am doing is complaining, you probably hate me.

I hate me.

I hate everything right now. The only thing that sounds even remotely good is smoking some weed and going to fucking bed. I am hopeless. My life is hopeless.

Where did my enthusiasm go? Where is my ambition and will to live?

Gone. It's all fucking gone, because I got myself too hooked on T. again and he is aware and pushing me the fuck away. This happens a lot. I hate me, did I already say that?

I look so ugly right now: puffy, red eyes from crying and napping with my contacts in. fat face. bloated but hungry belly.

Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.


Maybe Ana will.

because, as always, I am thinkin' thin. So should you!

I am really disappointed in myself for eating today.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Normal is not I.

I am going to bed with an empty stomach. It was growling in protest. There was a small voice inside my head urging me to go downstairs for a snack. There was a louder voice who said, "No snack! Snacks make people fat!".

The louder voice won the battle in my brain.

Does this even make sense? Bottom line? I am hungry, HAHA FUCK YOU STOMACH NO FOOD TO FEED YOUR FATNESS!!!!

The skinny girl gets it all. The skinny ones are memorable. I will never be "just another fat chick". Never.

I am losing weight and I like it.

For the win : )

Oh, and T. and I spent another night together. Just goes to show that guys can't resist thin chicks. They want an ego boost just like the rest of us. T. knows that having a thin girl on his arm makes him look good. I can't blame him for that. I just know that everything is fine as long as I'm getting thinner.

I think I ate maybe 700 calories today. I haven't ate over 1000 calories/day in two weeks. I don't even need my Lose it app because all of this stays in my head. I eat so little that it's easy to remember it all.

Keep in mind, darling readers/new followers: I am an adult. I am 23 years old and I can choose to eat very little because my brain and body are done growing. I can choose going hungry because this is a free country and no one is shoving food down my mouth.

Don't be like me. Be normal, before it's too late.


I am so wired from the black coffee I drank this evening. It is 3 AM. I am waking up in six hours. Fuck sleep right now. I am high from lack of food, I think. I kinda like it. It means that even if I do fall asleep, I will be able to jump right out of bed. Coffee and cigs for breakfast. Class. Test. Shopping?

Shopping is not the same anymore, and not because I hate trying on clothes. Needs, wants...they are a total dichotomy and I am realizing this for the first time. I have clothes on my back, shelter overhead...what more is necessary? I can assure you that a great wardrobe with plenty of accessories will not guarantee happiness and confidence.

It's quite funny to me now. Life is one grand adventure. Life is impermanent. Look good while you still can. Be thin. Think thin.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Food sucks.

I want to know how much I weigh, damnit!!!!!!!

I miss my scale :(

I miss a lot, but not my extra fat. That can leave, die, burn in a fire. I need barely enough to survive. Food is just so fucking unnecessary. I hate it, actually. I hate the way it makes me feel. I hate how I have to sneak it. Sneak eating. Lol. Because I am embarrassed to eat in front of anyone.

Yesterday: My parents came and took me shopping. In the dressing room I tried on some dark skinny jeans and all I had on top was a white tank; I opened the door to show off the jeans. My mom stared at me. "You've lost a lot of weight. There's nothing to you now".


I said, "I told you that the first week after the fire I couldn't eat." I shut the door in her face and stared at my body, horrified. How dare I feel good after hearing her say that? My arms...are so. fat. and. gross. My stomach. My hips. My thighs.

Yes my face has shrunk. Yes my collarbones are more prominent. Yes my legs look skinnier. Yes I no longer wear a size seven jean, I wear a five. This is all great, but not good enough.

I want to lose more. I will. I want to know how much I freaking weigh. It's gotta be less than it was. I was holding steady around 130 for a while. I wonder if I am in the 120's?? Wouldn't that be grand?

Food is nothing. Nothing. NOTHING!!!

I live with two girls now. One is shorter than me, but definitely fatter. She stuffs her face with carbs everyday. Her favorite thing is canned spaghetti-os. I watched her eat a meatball sub the other night after the bar. I didn't get a sub. I ate nothing that night. Because I hate food and how it makes me feel.
My other roommate (the one I actually share a room with) is skinny and total thinspo. We are exactly the same height. She is definitely a little skinnier though. I know she struggles with Ana, I see it.
I encourage her to eat, muahahaha.

So. Back to yesterday. After trying on clothes and getting some new ones, the three of us (my parents and I) decided to get dinner. Surprise, surprise. We always do that when they come. They love food.
I sipped my water and watched my Dad devour a cream-based soup. It looked disgusting, God, Dad, if you are going to eat soup make it a light broth, a veggie/tomato based broth. Everyone knows that anything with cream is super fattening and artery clogging.
Anyway. I ordered a portabello mushroom sandwich with a side salad instead of fries.I ate the salad, except for the croutons. There was shit-ton of croutons. I used to love croutons, I ate them out of the bag like chips. I used to be fat and stupid too...moving on.
They watched me pile the damn croutons on the table, while I explained lamely that I craved salad, and not hard, old, bread.
Then the food came. I took the top of my sandwich roll off and cast it aside. I ate the bottom of the roll, with the shroom on top, open face style. It was fucking good, like pizza.
And so those two simple steps, no croutons and less bread, saved me hundreds of calories. Maybe 200.

My parents are on to me, though.
Too bad I don't care.

I refuse to be fat. I refuse to feel fat. When I feel fat I hate myself.

I have too much going on to hate myself.

I need to focus.

Stay away from the fattening food, people. Order salad instead of fries if you must go out to eat. You won't even miss them. I did stare longingly at my Dads fries for awhile, until I told myself that I have had many fries in my life. I know what they taste like. I know what they will do to me. One ingested means that I screwed up. So I stayed away. And you know what? I think that is an accomplishment.

I want to know what I weigh. It is driving me nuts.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Don't Eat Yet.

Good day. It is almost two o'clock in the afternoon and all I've eaten is cottage cheese with strawberries and blueberries. It is a small portion. I barely have an appetite. It's different, all of a sudden I just lost the hunger. I am okay with it, actually, because I am clearly losing weight. Bones, bones, and a nicer face because some of the fat has melted away. Seeing myself on Tv really showed me that I have a fat face. I have always thought it, but was never absolutely sure. Until now. So maybe that contributes.

I am sort of a mess. I have been so damn busy. I cannot believe everything that has been and still has to be done. Ugh. I am ready for a break, but that is simply not an option. My moods are unstable. I haven't slept properly in over a week. Sleep, who needs it anyway?

I have less than a month of school left. Then comes summer and moving to my parent's house. I wonder what the hell I'm going to do next.

I am hoping inspiration comes to me all of a sudden. I smoked just now. Still kinda am actually, but it doesn't take much anymore.

My entire life is changed and I hope for the better.

You wouldn't believe how petrified I feel. My security, the only sense of safety I've ever known, is gone. Simply vanished and I must move on!

First things first. Activate cell phone. Go to store. Shower. T. Meeting. Study. Sleep.



I can do this.

[on an empty stomach]

bring on the cigs


think thin.


everything is better as long as I am getting thinner..

Monday, April 12, 2010

Is there anybody out there?

I am sitting in the same place I sat last week when I first told you lovely readers the devastation that has become my life. It has been one week, barely. I have new "things" and a new perspective. I am alive. My cat is fine. I saved his life, and my own. Here is a scary thought: I was depressed. What if I would have used the fire as my opportunity to die "accidentally"? What if I would have laid in my bed and let the flames engulf me, slowly suffocating me, so painfully, so tragically?

Ah, the what-ifs will kill me if this overwhelming, pressing urge to live on doesn't. I will make the most of my life. Ana readers, listen up. Tragedy kills your appetite. I have not binged. Food is not a reward anymore. Food is nothing but something that will prolong my life. I don't need much.

Just wanted to update, I guess. I can't read. I can't write. I am not very inspired. I am getting sick. I have a place to stay until the end of the semester, and then I am moving home (can't wait). I am ok. I am not ok. A stupid girl who lived two floors down from me started the fire because she was drunk and careless. Let that be a lesson to you. Fire kills.

I was on the news. My cat is thriving, he has much more space here, plus a friend (my roommate has a kitty). I have got some new clothes, but clothes don't mean much anymore. What does? I am still trying to figure it out. My path to salvation is not clear. I wonder if it ever will be?
I missed classes today, but emailed my professors. I am listening to music and I do really love music. I miss my i-pod and Lose it app. I miss lots of things, mostly my sense of security. I am terrified of candles now: do not ever light one around me. I mean it, I'll punch you.

T. saved me last week. The fire was last Monday. He came to my rescue; he brought us (cat and I) to his apartment, gave me clothes (because I was wearing shorts and a tee, having just woke from nap), he slipped me a twenty dollar bill and a pack of cigs; he is a kind soul.
We also spent Saturday night together. I need him, or anyone, maybe. I have myself now. I was saved for a reason.

I love you all, I wish I could want to type more now. But I don't. I am so emotionally and physically exhausted and my mind is a blank slate. Please count your blessings. Please remember that nothing is permanent.

Oh, and think thin.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


I am writing to you from a friends. Last night my apartment burned down to the ground. I lost everything, except my cat. I saved him and me. That's it, that's all.

I have a killer headache. I'm scared, you guys.
I wish I was making this up, I wish it was all a dream. But when did wishing ever help anyone?

I'll say it again, I lost everything. Isn't that fucking nuts?

How does this happen? Why?

I can't eat. One good thing, I suppose. I literally can't. I had some grapes this morning, and threw them up in Walmarts bathroom.

I don't need food, just sleep, maybe. Or booze. Or weed. I'm dying for a smoke.

Thank God for friends. These people I rarely talk to have come through for me in the most beautiful, unexpected way.

I'm trying to focus on the positives, I really am. It's just really fucking hard right now.

Monday, April 5, 2010


My obsession with food has caught on; my brother is "eating healthy" and making smoothies. My aunt brought over brownies made with pumpkin, exclaiming, "they're fat and calorie free!" (which they are not) and I ate two helpings of salad at dinner. I do love salad.

I also love looking at my bones. Just now I glanced at my right wrist. I see bones and shapely fingers. I am so hot for bones. Bones, bones, please show show.

I'm quite baked after two joints with my brother. Ah, to be home and high. I raided the jelly beans like a bad girl. Gosh darn jelly beans and their red #40 and sulfuric acid and fattening tendencies!! DAMN THEE!!!!

I am doing laundry as we speak. Ha, as I sit here, neck strained because my laptop is perched on my bed with me crossed-legged in front of it; slow typing and slow reaction time, classical music afloat thanks to my friend Ipod.

Stupid T. He texts me things still. hgsihged

I get so arous--I mean I hate him still.
I am overly sensitive concerning him. A coworker mentioned him yesterday and I snapped at her. I hate myself for explaining to her my position. I hate myself for getting excited that some song "makes him think of me". Of course I myspaced the song. It's an amazing, seemingly flattering, song about a girl.. Godamn.
Check it out, Joshua Panda "Taiger Lilly Pt.1"

It's a great fucking song and I don't know why he is torturing me. I told him I was leaving town. Why? Because I wanted him to ask me to hang out. Why? I guess it's because I still...well nothing. But I wouldn't mind getting laid.

On that note, my hunched back is asking me for relief, and I must oblige.

Love to you, and Peace to you.

Think thin!!!!!

She is incredible! ^ Totally thinspiring to me, I'll be checking back here. Is it weird that I reread my own writing? (whatta freakin' narcissist)..


Stay skinny and sweet.
Be true to skinniness and skinny will be you.
Skinny always comes first.

Say no to fattening food. (Obviously but it's a good reminder)


Dance, run in place, do jumping jacks, daily stretching, yoga, sit ups. push ups, leg lifts.

Clean the whole kitchen before you dare eat. Experiencing the illusion that is hunger? Clean out every garbage can at your place. Wash the floors. Clean your fridge, or microwave, or toaster. Aren't all of those food stains and crumbs gross??
Makes me not want to eat...

Those aren't tips, btw, just life skills.

Be thin.

Sunday, April 4, 2010


Welll helllloooo Gwyneth...you're gorgeously skinny.

And hello world! Happy Easter! Stay away from those candy baskets (duh) and avoid the hardboiled eggs, as well. They're little fat bombs. I am writing to you from my college town, but in one hour's time I will be on my way home, to my hometown, where I will be MOVING in just over a month. Skurry.

I worked this morning, gag. It sucked, it was really busy; it's like, hello people, it's a holiday, stay in and just enjoy, don't come here and spend money. Well idk. Maybe they just wanted breakfast, but whatever. I didn't have breakfast....or lunch. So why should you? So many fat people come in to my work. I've said it before and I'll say it again: they scare me.

And oddly enough I am simultaneously fascinated by them. How do you eat so much and get so fat without caring? That's what it is, right? It's not blindness and you can't be that oblivious to your body. They just don't care. It's sad really. All of that weight crushing your organs can't be good. Yet, here I sit, smoking weed and probably a cigarette very shortly. Am I any better? Sure, I starve myself until my body switches to autopilot, eating for me. Because my mind is not a part of my disgusting binge actions. My mind is elsewhere, anywhere but here. I smoke daily, and rarely get enough sleep. I probably have skin cancer (a legitimate fear of mine). I hope I'm going to be ok. 
But I'm not obese.

^Never will I ever.

This was supposed to be a quick note. I wished to remind myself to not eat candy, once I'm home. I haven't ate yet today though, just coffee. So I am really scared I am just going to freak out and eat. Isn't that crazy, that I could be scared of something that I have direct control over?

How are you today? Anyone have a success story? I'd love to hear it, like how you looked food in the face and turned your back, without a single thought or regret ( :  Stay strong all the time..

I love feeling super skinny and like my clothes are so baggy on me.. <3
I just want to be tiny.

* Think thin *


Friday, April 2, 2010


I'm sweating and oh-so-full. We have had two or three super warm days and I love it but I have been stress-binging due to this chaotic week. But I fasted today until 7:30 pm- it felt great and I was shaking and out of it. (Unfortunately) then I feasted on sour gummies, Healthy Choice tv dinner, bowl of cheerios, and entire bag of Goldfish. Holyfuck. I was feeling thinnish, now I feel like a fat lard ass.

In other news. I made my decision, I am taking next semester off. Me and the cat are moving home to live at Mom and Dads. Big changes up ahead. All I really want is to gain control over this binge eating, it is stress-related, I know it. When I feel lonely or scared or bored or unsure I eat. When I am procrastinating I eat. When I am tired I eat. Ughhh . . .

I am looking forward to not feeling so lonely. I think it will help a lot. I need people, as much as I'd love to deny that, and I know having my family under the same roof will improve my quality of life. There will be people to talk to. There will be a porch to sit on. There will be my bike in the garage, just waiting for a spin. There will be a tv, a big couch, a backyard, a library, etc. I am excited. I feel apprehensive about delaying graduation and leaving my college town. But I know it's somewhat necessary at this point. I am on a downward slope, going fast fast fast! until I hit rock bottom. I don't want to hit rock bottom. Or maybe I already have. Idk.

I just want to say thank you to those that commented. You could obviously tell what a huge, life-changing decision I was facing and I just really appreciate you taking the time to throw me a word of encouragement and support. Love and peace to you : )

I must continue with my restriction. As the weather gets hotter I want to eat less. Not exactly sure what happened tonight, actually I am. Those Goldfish crackers are damn addicting and triggering.

I wore a really cute outfit today! Skirt and tank top! It felt so good to bare some skin, even though I was self-conscious of my body (like always!). There are some beautifully skinny girls around here, it is so annoying comparing myself to them, but I really can't help it. It is thinspiring! I will look just as good if not better s o o n.

I walked a decent amount today. I like walking. I want my thighs to GET THINNER. I was staring at them today in class (because I was wearing a skirt I could view them perfectly) and they looked okay but certainly nowhere near divine.

Gawd I just looked in the mirror and am now SO BLOATED from the damn food I scarfed down tonight. Why didn't I keep trying? Why didn't I test myself? Why didn't I go for the freakin' win?

I'll tell you why. I got food in the house and I wanted to eat. Simple. I wanted food. I wanted to stop shaking. I am so weak, it's pathetic.

I bombed a test today. Sucks.

My cat bit my arm last night and it broke the skin and left this glorious red streak; I look at it and feel proud, as if I scraped up my own flesh on purpose. I didn't, but I didn't pull away either. I want to feel pain to make this inner hurt dull in comparison.

I guess that's why I'm moving home, I've gone slightly crazy..