well hello

well hello

Thursday, December 31, 2009

Sadness on the Eve.








My life is void. My life is no more. I have thought more suicidal thoughts in the past weeks than ever before. It is not that I want to feel pain it is just that I deserve only pain. I am a bad person. No, it's more complicated than that. I am unspeakably depressed and have no yearn for life, no need to make myself livelier, no need to do laundry, or dishes, or the simple things. My life and I are falling apart.

Today is New Years Eve. Last night of the year. Am I seeing T.? No. No I am not. God. What the fuck are you doing to me.

I need to get the hell out of here, I need something. I am about to smoke and go wander aimlessly around town or maybe a clothing store. I have plans for tonight, but Mia is calling me. "Sar, stay in. Drink booze and eat ice cream. Wallow in self-pity until it turns into self-loathing and the hate overcomes sanity and you puke your guts out as the clock strikes twelve". She is tempting me. I am weak. I am pathetic. I am not good enough. I am not worth it. I am not worth T.'s time. He didn't say that, but actions speak louder than words. He "likes me" but has "so much going on". And he does, really. Teaching stuff, jury duty, family shyt, broken car...etc. BUT STILL.

We (T. & I) have been bickering nonstop. We can't seem to stay on the same page. I am crazy about him and it's making me crazy. I have now hung out with T.'s friend 3 times. We just smoked, but this guy is cute, older, has it (seemingly) together...and we make more sense astrologically. But I am doing it to make T. jealous. And I know how immature that sounds. But it may be working. Idk. I am the jealous one. I am jealous of the unknown. I am constantly envisioning T.'s charismatic self, flirting with nameless, faceless girls. I make myself sick.

Eating has been terrible lately. Late night binges like WHOA. I have been keeping track of course, with Lose it, but I have stopped losing weight. So maybe I am maintaining, but maybe I am not. I don't have a trustworthy scale to find out.

I just lit some incense and packed a bowl. I still have no clue what I want to do with myself tonight. If I am honest I know that I do not want to drive an hour to the city, look for parking, call a cab, wait for a cab, show up at the bar alone and then search for my 2 friends. Acquaintances, really. We barely talk anymore. I just needed plans for the night. I am so indecisive right now. I hate the holidays. Can I just push fast-forward?

Speaking of, T. said we should "press pause" -on us, I guess. It SuCkS, have I mentioned that? I started to fall for him. But this time apart has been KILLER. I can either talk myself out of liking him - his absence makes this easier, OR, I can be Ms. Mature & Patient, wait kindly for this man to make up his mind, be charming and hope for the best outcome.
LE SIGH!

I think both options suck! But that is me! I always hate my immediate options, and always wish to control EVERYTHING. Why do I do this? When did I become such a control freak? Maybe I have been this way all my life.

Ya know what?

1.Time will pass, either way.

2.Life will continue until it stops.

3.Feelings can't be shut off like a light switch.

I can't stop thinking about him.

I need to think about ME. & What is Best for Me (& My state of Mind).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-A few minutes later..
Wanna know something gross? I am sitting on a chair, wearing shorts & a cami & a robe open over top. I can squeeze my stomach fat. Isn't that nasty? Wtf?
That is two solid inches of fat fucking stomach fat, connected to this body of mine. It needs to be gone, NOW!!!
& yet (in my most sarcastic voice) what work will I do to make it disappear? I usually just sit around like a queen and try to make commands with my stern voice. I usually just try to rearrange my (and who am I kidding, other's lives as well) life so it fits neatly inside my head bubble/LaLa Land/deranged brain. I am just oh-so motivated to make things happen by my own accord, my own freewill.

If only I could-
What?
I don't give a fuck what I do. I live dangerously and I live the only way I know how. Sure I'm self-destructive. Isn't everyone? I am on a speeding roller coaster and not belted in and I'm about to go flying out, only to land with a crash on my dead-beat ass.

Just think thin, ok? Enough of this bullshit eating too much.
It's about to be 2010 !
I will lose 20 pounds this year, to celebrate : )

Happy New Year all.
If I stay in I'm bound to post again, so take care.
Stick Thin: Keep writing chick! Miss you & hope things are well!!

((Starve on))

xo- Sar

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Eating on Autopilot to Fill the Hole Where My Heart Should Be.












I binged uncontrollably today. Let me recap:
Woke up in T.'s arms : ) but he was leaving! : (
He dropped me off at home early, around 9 am. I was hungry & slightly hungover, bad combo. I decided to get some fast food breakfast. BIG mistake. I went to Dunkin' Donuts & ordered an egg/cheese on english muffin (320 cal) & some hashbrowns. I brought my ipod with me to calculate the calories and they were enormous! 200 for the hashbrowns...fuck. They were greasy and tasty...a dangerous mix.
So anyways, I scarfed down my breakfast and was thinking of getting more food before I was even finished eating it. I couldn't decide. I wanted a bagel so bad. But I just couldn't...I couldn't eat that white bread & cream cheese however much I desired it. I couldn't justify it in my head. Here is where I don't make any sense. I wouldn't eat a freakin' bagel, but I WOULD drive across the street to Taco Bell and order a fresco bean burrito (330)?? That's what I did, and it took forever, and I thought about just throwing it out by the time it was given to me. But NO. I was a machine. I tore off half the burrito and left a bite or two, but that barely cancels out the calories. I felt full, but not full enough. THANK THE GOOD LORD I lit up a cig & drove home, for sleep.

So T. is gone and I had the day to do whatever and of course after I woke from my nap I decided to go shopping! Oh joy. I had a gift card (for a local grocery store). Coulda used it on beer or something, but NO I decided to indulge my eating disorder and buy some food ::sigh::
I'll just break it down...veggie chips & sour cream dip, sugar free york chocolates, veggie burger with tomato & mustard, cauliflower & cheese frozen thingie, rice cakes & gummy candies.

O.M.G.

Yes I ate all of that today/tonight. I wasn't going to blog about it, but I am glad now that I did. Seeing all of that right in front of me is making me sick to my fucking stomach. I am a pig. I am bloated so much right now, my stomach literally hurts. What is wrong here? Who does such things? Where is the button in my brain that STOPS me from eating so much? or so fast? I feel like such a failure. I woke up today feeling thin, T. left. I am depressed when I am not around him. So I eat. I still have no clue what is going on this week/new years with us. My life is so fucked up right now.
I hope he calls tonight like he said he would.
I am leaning on him far too much.
I need help.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just helped myself to some thinspo. Gorgeous bodies! I think it totally helps to look, I am about to start a thinspo notebook..I have tons of magazines..should be easy to rip out pages of thin models/celebrities. Think thin!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Fast /\ Fast



My heart is breaking slowly. The jagged pieces had been working on forming a whole, fragile or not. I was hesitant anyway. My issue? T. Found out some bad news last night, concerning him moving back home to work. 2 + hours away. Ok, not terrible but I am not interested in a long distance relationship. He "doesn't know" what he's going to do. I have been asking him about new years, whether he would be here (in our college town where we both have apartments) or home (with his mom/stepdad @ a family party)...and again, he "doesn't know" what to do, where he'll be, if we will be together or not.

Am I bad person for wanting to know a few days ahead of time what plans for new years eve are??? I mean seriously, it is the biggest party night of the year, and it is amazing to be around someone you are seeing!! Kiss at midnight, anyone?

So now, due to his indecisiveness, it looks like I am going to the next city over to meet friends and drink at bars there. Without T. Unless he manages to make the RIGHT decision, which is to see ME, than I am giving up on him.

It's true. I deserve more than this. If a guy likes me and I sleep with him, share secrets, spend time, etc than I want my feelings either reciprocated or disregarded. I refuse to be strung along. He is either in it to win it or out. It fucking sucks. I mean, is this harsh? If we don't see each other on new years, and he moves back home to work for the rest of winter break, than I feel like I should give up on him. I want a guy to make strides for me. I want a guy to take a risk with me, and help me take one too.

God. This fucking blows. Just typing it out, I mean I can hear it in my head, but seeing these words and knowing that he is probably going to choose his hometown and family party over me just really fucking BLOWS.

I am depressed. I cried a couple times last night. Real tears. Agony, alone, automatic weed smoking. I hate me. I hate life.

As for food, well, I suck there too. I am trying to fast today. I have only had tea. There is nothing here I want and I am HOPING AGAINST HOPE that T. actually calls me to hang out today so I can be around him and not eat a thing.

The plan? Finish the rest of this bowl. Go down for a cig and take the garbage out. Shower. .... and then hopefully I am with T.
If we don't do anything or get together for the first time in a week than I am buying ice cream.

So yeah. Fuck my life fuck my life fuck my life.

On a positive note, my scale seems to be stuck at 132. I highly doubt it's right though. I weighed myself today for the first time since before christmas and 132 was what I got. I don't know what I was expecting, but not that, which is why I am convinced this scale is broke! Help! Where can I weigh myself to get an accurate answer??? Am I going crazy? It is not a digital scale though, just a regular one, so I am sure these things are bound to break.

I have nothing really I feel like delving into. Ta ta for now.

Think thin.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

3 AM

Christmas Day = Utter Fail.

Enough said.

Time to fast.

I have no clue what is going on with T. and I. We are hot and cold. I miss him. I wish I knew exactly what was going on. I am that type, I need specifics. It is frustrating because for all the thinking about him I am doing I have to play it cool...you know, attempt to NOT act completely infatuated. If he only knew. Maybe he does. I just want these nasty scenes to quit playing in my head, him & his ex gf, him with random chicks, being attracted to and flirty with them...ugh it drives me nuts...if i let it. I can normally push it aside, think of something else, but I am here. At my parent's house. I am feeling insecure and out of my element and UGLY AND FAT AS FUCK.

I am so fat I hate it. I hate the fact that this house is filled to the brim with food and drink and options for eating and cheese and bread and all of my favorite binge foods, even doritos. And I can't touch ANY of it. And it is literally giving me a headache. I want to be back in my apartment where the cupboards are bare until I fill them with what I CHOOSE.
I just can't win.
I just can't stop being this insecure mess.

I am jealous.immature.annoying.obnoxious.hateful.fat.blahblah & did I mention fat? with no personality and I am so tall I fucking hover? I took a nap after dinner; I fell asleep to inner chanting, "you're horrible, you freak, you fat ugly idiot, you're so stupid" etc. ETC. I entered a dreamless sleep and woke up and what did I do?
LOL. Of course! I ate more. Wow...
triscuits &cheese & some cut up bread & dip.
holy fuck, on top of dinner! I didn't even have dessert! I might as well have, it probably would have killed some of these KILLER CRAVINGS.

I am frustrated and (of course) stoned. Met up with Y. and we smoked a blunt. You'd think I would be peaceful. Nope, just pissed and full of rage and food.

I don't even deserve sleep. I just want to...

I was going to type "hang myself from the rafters" but incidently there are no rafters here and I would not want to hang myself, those words just leapt from my brain to my fingers to my laptop to your eyes.

Think thin.
Let's fast~ starting...now

Friday, December 25, 2009

Jolly good then? Jolly green giant actually.

It's Christmas. I am sitting here at quarter to nine in the morning, high, doing leg lifts under my desk, and chugging water. I absolutely, positively must fast until Christmas dinner. It really sucks that I am expected to partake in this meal. I have to eat, not just in front of mom & dad, but the extended family as well. I am dreading it. I truly am. Because I clearly cannot control myself. I want to. I just seem to have difficulty convincing myself that food is bad when it is heaped on a plate in front of my eyes, looking all pleasing. It should also be noted that T. is away this week. I have been binging every night since I know he will not be seeing/touching my body\fat. Stupid, because I will be seeing him before I know it, and I will be wishing that I restricted like crazy in this time. But I totally restricted all last week. It's a toss up. This weekly binge/restrict cycle is getting old. I need a new plan.

Here it is. T. will be back either Saturday or Sunday, which is when (if all goes according to plan and he doesn't change his mind & stay home) I will see him next. [I can't wait] Ahem. Ok. So today is Friday. Shit. Not much time.. unless I make an active attempt to eat nothing. gawdammit whywhywhy is this holiday based around food and dinner and dessert and bread and sweets and fuck it all- being thin means more than giving in to some stupid craving for warmth and fullness in my tummy.

Back to the plan. Today I am just going to do my best. Tomorrow though, absolutely nothing. Therefore: I will sleep in and deny food if my mom offers it and get on the road back to my place fast.

The minutes are ticking by. Why on earth am I not more excited to get home and open gifts? Well, it's all just material objects. Plus the sizes, oh the sizes. Medium tops and big bottoms. Ugh. WhatEVER.

I got myself here. It's up to me to find a way out. I need to lose. Now. Every minute of every day needs to be dedicated to staying in this mindset.

Have a great day, all. I will be thinking of you and trying to stay strong. It has been tough lately but I have to keep trying! Peace~

& remember to

  • think thin
  • stay strong
  • keep in mind that nothing tastes as good as thin feels

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Tis.

How does it feel?
Like a rolling stone.

{B. Dylan}

I got my grades. Out of the 5 classes I initially took on, I only had two actual grades: C and C-. Then an assortment of letters. WC for withdrawal from one, F in the one I stopped going to. I, as in Incomplete, for another.

So I never wrote that paper, that is why I have the I. I have until February 1st to write it, and I need to do a great job! I am now on academic probation :(
Fuck college!!

I can't believe the wasted money.

Anyways,
I am high. I went to Walmart to pick up some last minute gifts, and I bought cream cheese frosted cinnamon rolls. They're huge! And silly me, I just ate two. Gross. but good. but HORRIBLE. but I haven't ate anything else. but NASTY WTF!?!?

Ok. It's Christmas Eve and I am not going to beat myself up over this. I work for 5 hours this evening and while there I will sip nothing but water and eat absolutely nothing on my break all because of this foul binge. And that's fine. No food. Nada. Zilch. I need to MAINTAIN (thanks Flushed)!!!!

One hour until work, and I think I'll head down to the liquor store and buy my bro a mini bottle..haha what a sister I am. Just a mini one though.
Ah, my back hurts. I have been sleeping like shit. I have been eating like shit. I need to shape the fuck up.

Staying away from negative thoughts - staying away from negative thoughts

be happy. be free. be thin. be a love.

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it.
I will be going back home tomorrow morning. Oh, tomorrow is going to be tricky. My plan? Salad. Lots of freakin' salad and a tablespoon of certain side dishes. And wine.

I just wanna keep losing. Supposedly I weigh 132. I don't believe my scale though! It has got to be broken. I do not feel like I lost two pounds but perhaps this lose it app on t-touch really works. Or maybe it is just the practice of recording everything that goes into your mouth. Haha I could make a dirty joke here but I won't. Either way, I am ready to drop ten pounds during January. I want it to be noticeable.

Later peeps!
Stay strong tomorrow!!
<3

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Poof & disappear.

It's all so complex now.
I am at my parent's house and just binged on: (2)pieces of toast with I can't believe it's not butter spread. 2 nature valley crunchy granola bars (1 package). a couple pieces of chocolate. Earlier? doritos. Whatta pig. Kill me. Please.
I can't do anything right. I am at battle with the queen bee, that bitch, fuck you mia.

I am so fucking fat and not fit and a failure and a freak and fuck you Sar die die die.

T. is out of reach, I feel.
I am having weird pains throughout my body.
I am a bad influence on everyone around me.
I can't control anything, let alone myself.
I can't even be around food without wanting it when I feel like this.

((Like.This.))

hatehatehatehatehatehatefatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat

I went shopping with my mom today, for clothes. OH GOD. Size 9 fucking skinny jeans KILL ME NOW. They fit comfortably. 7 was tight and I was feeling full and not prepared to buy them. I fucking should have. Talk about a reason to lose. B/c obvious my current reasons AREN'T FUCKING WORKING!!!!!!

It is 2:10 am. I am leaving my parent's house to go smoke pot with a friend. I need a cigarette so bad. Can't wait to light one up.

Peace, everyone. Hope you're doing better than me.

Think thin.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Touch the light to the tip of the pipe.

The shortest day of the year and I'm planning to write a paper? I was going to turn it in today but that is not possible. I am a fuck up, a failure. I am wavering on skipping it completely. But I can't CAN'T caN't fail this class. I seriously put effort into this class, but maybe not enough? I don't feel qualified to write this paper. These overbearing thoughts of abandon, grief, sadness, insanity are weighing me down, like Virginia Woolf who put rocks in her pockets and walked into the water. Never coming up for air. Am I living this life? The life of a true depressed person who struggles with every activity, who never lives fully enough to be truly happy, a druggie, a cigarette smoker who poisons others with her habits? Disgust.

Where did Sarah go?

I don't remember myself. I don't know what it is like to be normal. I don't feel normal. I feel anxiety-ridden; heart pounding in my painful, empty chest. Eyes burning and red, glaring a hole through your head with laser beam eyes. Hollow, yet focused. Green and brown and gray and yellow.

Today I met up with T. He was leaving to go home. We said our goodbyes. I am sad.

We slept together Fri. & Sat. night. We are "committed to one another". I miss him terribly; it's only been 2 hours since I've seen him; my heart aches for his presence; my body longs for his touch, for his body to be pressed against mine.

God just writing that hurts. What is this? When did this happen? Where did this need for T. come from? I have no idea if he feels like I do. I mean, yes to a certain extent, he enjoys my company. Whatever that means. Idk. Be still.

I am high again. I smoke a lot. I hope the new year brings me the strength to cut back. I need to, otherwise I am looking at getting booted out of school for failing everything.

Ohgodohgodohgodithurtsithurtsihurt.

Give me liberty or give me death!

Anyone listen to Andrew Bird? Sooo goood.

I walk slowly when I walk away from T.

Today was/is weird.
So was last night.
I am running out of energy to type.
My restless, distracted mind
stops running
changes direction
goes the other way
dragging me with it
whoever that is.

xo, think thin today,

~Sar~

December blues.

My life is falling apart around me. I just stand here and take it. My cat doesn't even listen to me. I never wrote that last paper for Metaphysics. It's 1:30 am. I hate the decisions I make. I ordered food, a vegetable calzone. I ate most of it. I also had two clementines. And 2 low cal granola bars. <~~ all I ate today. So I guess it's not too bad. Luckily I have been restricting hardcore the past few days. I still fuel my fire with the thought of my binge. I need to chug some water to flush out all of the grease. What I need to do is write this paper. I am so confused, it is like I have a mental block; there is this indescribable inner struggle, me vs. lazy me. I keep thinking about it. I know it should be done. I know that I worked hard (as hard as I work for school) in this class, and I don't want to fail. I don't. What is my problem then??
Why can't I make myself do this. I do everything but. What the fuck. Crazy as this sounds it's like I am afraid of being tired. I think, oh I will be up late and spending so much energy...wahhh....

Whatta riot this all is. My life becomes increasingly comical, if only I saw it as a positive thing, if only I had the courage to change.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Am I psychotic?

My eyes my eyes.

I have nothing to say but I feel like I should write. I took a pen and drew a circle around my wrist, like an ana bracelet. Except blue and very thin. It is fading but after I shower I will redraw it. It is a focus, a way of forgetting about stupid food.
So far I have had 673 calories today.

That means nothing to me. Calories are not the problem. I judge myself by how I look. I look fat still. Last night T. stayed over, we did it then went to sleep. Naked. I couldn't stop feeling for bones. My hip bones felt great! I ran my hands all over his body, feeling for his bones too. He is thin, I would say. Really sexy and thinspirational for sure. Yeah so we got freaky. I am usually extremely self-conscious while nude but with T. all I can focus on is making him feel good...and I forget I even have a body. No, that's not true...I think about how he is pleasuring me. And may I just say he is quite amazing in bed!

I freaked out a little last night, it was bad. Before all that ^ .. something happened: I grew noticably quieter and stiffer, I wouldn't look at T. I just felt extremely paranoid about the situation, which was us and his friends drinking and smoking. This dude J. mentioned to T. something like, "blah that chick, the redhead?" with a goofy ass smile. And I grew irrepairably jealous. I did not even mention it to him. I just made up some lame shit (when he asked me what was up) about being lonely on Christmas and how I wished we could be together on New Years. Ding ding is the bell I ring for I am a stupid girl.

After consuming large quantities of liquor I started getting all teary on our walk out of the bar b/c earlier I had asked him if he wanted to stay together and he was all for it. But once my little "episode" started I began to have second thoughts.
So anyways we are walking and he kept asking whether or not I wanted him to come home with me or not, and I kept not answering, or saying I wasn't sure. He basically just walked me to my apartment, up the stairs, into the door, onto the couch; I lost it. I have shattered my pride, I have admitted too many faults to him. No, I mentioned nothing about this obsession with food and losing. I just kinda changed the subject to me doing terrible in school, I'm a failure, blah blah. Looking back I am now wondering if I was putting on a show.

I am fucking manipulative.

Getting back to last night, this is kinda hot, but we went from laying on the couch (he was holding me) and talking/me freaking out to us going upstairs, getting naked super fast, and having passionate sex. It was hot, I'm really not holding back, sorry if this is too much information...but you know you like it : )

Wow, guess I needed to get that out. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep then had to get up and drive T. home and go to work. I am beat. I have an entire paper to write tomorrow that I am turning in late, monday. Slacker...gawd. Yet tonight I plan to be with T. again.

Tell me, am I obsessed?

I am unfocused and uncomfortable, high and tired, excited and sick.

I am done with this eating shizz. Fuck food. I would rather be skinny and have electrifying bedroom behavior than eat and be pudgy and shy.

Oh, the self-loathing. It comes and it comes. Just now I typed "bitch" than backspaced. I was calling myself a bitch because my self is no angel and certainly not smart.

Gotta shower. I need to relax.

Think thin. Always.

xo

Thursday, December 17, 2009

My eyes burn.

Sitting here, screwed. I should be studying for my cumulative biology final taking place in t-minus 7 hours. But am I? No. Could I concentrate if I even wanted to? No.
All I can think of is pro-ana and T.
All I can do is get up, walk to the fridge, contemplate eating something. Stare at the bottle of wine, consider pouring a glass, decide against it. A fuzzy head will NOT help me at 8:30 in the morning when I am taking this final.

It doesn't even end any time soon. I have to write an entire paper tomorrow. And study for yet another final, on Friday. And people around here are already done, already celebrating the end of the semester. Me? Pshh... I am stressing and procrastinating and wishing and wanting and fighting it all. I hate college.

My grades are going to SUCK! Sorry, this is no "poor-me" exaggeration. This is reality. I have slacked off all semester. I dropped one class. I just stopped attending another. That leaves me 3. And I can probably guess my grades...C, C, C (plus an F). With minuses, most likely. Maybe a D in Biology because I will certainly do terrible on this final...I don't know any of this shit. Maybe skipping class twice a week, every week, all semester was...idk, stupid?? Fuck it.

I wish I cared more. I wish I did more. I wish I was someone else.

I wish I didn't BINGE THE FUCK OUT the other night. Ready?
1.Carrot cake, mixed with pudding, cream cheese frosting, and whipped cream. WTF. I got it at a grocery store. ((Just $2.99 and your hips will spread like butter on hot bread)).
2.Chips, and
3.Cheese curls.

Nasty junk food. Luckily I threw away some of the chips, frosting, etc...in a sad fucking attempt to decrease the massive amount of calories. And I didn't want to, but I DID count every agonizing calorie that day and documented it all in my Lose it! app. Just to make myself FEEL like a failure. I was embarrassed in front of myself.

Today? Eh, could have been better, could have been a lot worse. Right now the only thing I am getting sick over is school. Finals week may be the death of me.

I have started smoking cigs again : (
I love them, I can't help it. Plus T. smokes a lot. Speaking of, him and I are doing okay. He has been crazy busy this week and this not seeing each other much thing is eating away at my heart. I went to work to visit him tonight, and we kissed and held each other close, and it was great! But then it was done, and I left, and came home to a cold apartment, without him. I would give ANYTHING for him to fall head over heels in love with me.

That's the truth. Because I can see myself loving him.

Mark my words...either this will end or it never will. I don't want it to stop. I want him so bad it's driving me fucking mad.

I need to do something here, study or go to sleep, or something. Tomorrow is going to suck, I already know. I just want to see T. !!!!!!!! I just want to hold him all night long and have him hold me forever.

This dependence is what scares me. I need to be happy with myself before I could even dream of making someone else happy. In order to do this, I will lose some more weight. Yeah!!

Think thin, lovelies. I really enjoy reading your blogs!

Monday, December 14, 2009

Frustration at Four.

ugh T. won't give me the commitment I so desperately want! Gawddddd.
I asked him to take down "single" from facebook...is that too damn much to ask? I am not looking for it to say "in a relationship"...I just want people to back the fuck off.

I am high on adderall and 1 and 1/2 pages into a 6 page paper, due in 8 hours. It is 4 in the morning. FUCK.

I am hyped up and shaking and just want to CONTROL THE FREAKING WORLD!

fuckfuckfuck

on a good note I am feeling thin.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Sorry. Just. Idk. Just feeling it. I really like this guy but I have a feeling I am being too pushy. But I don't want to stop!! I want it to be the way I want it to be. Why doesn't he understand??

Maybe he is already....no. I won't say he is done. He is not. But if I continue acting like a control freak maybe he will be.

I saw R. tonight and stupidly texted him. I am a wreck. What the fuck am I even doing right now? I have been taking a break from this paper for over an hour. I need to GET WITH THE PROGRAM.

Help?


oh yeah, THINK THIN!!!!!!!!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Sexy-time.

I am awake, T. is upstairs in my loft, sleeping. Ah, pure contentment. I woke before he did, because I still have my freakin' period and I was worried while I was sleeping that I was, well...leaking. So I got up and he is snoring and this is a perfect time to express myself.
My God I am crazy about this guy.
I had this ridiculous dream though, that is partly what woke me. It was in three parts (my dream): the first was T. and I, traveling. Things seemed "normal" but then we stopped to meet up with some of his family and things turned strange. He ended up telling me that he was still talking to his ex and basically I was out of the picture. The dream literally ends with me about to fuck Amy Winehouse. It was hardcore.
What the fuck? What a dream. I mean parts of it simply coincide with what is really going on. He asked me to come meet his mom, which we are not doing yet, we are waiting until after finals. We fell asleep naked (so that explains the me and Amy getting naked and freaky thing). Idk. I am weird. Not a lesbian, more like "unlabeled" .. but I haven't dreamt of a woman in that way in quite awhile. I guess last night's amazing sex with T. propelled that.

Oh man!

I am freezing.
Yesterday's intake: 1 oatmeal packet. 1/2 Subway veggie patty sub with a little too much sweet onion sauce (evil Subway worker). 1 mini bag of sun chips. 1 mandarin orange cup. tons of (fat free) cappuccino at work. 1 cookie. wine. a shot. a BEER!!! (wtf i hate that fattening shit).

I went to bed hungry, daydreaming of breakfast food. I am now up, sipping water. No food today. Fuck it.

I want to be skiiinnnnyyyy!!!

I want to never have the fear that T. is leaving me for a skinnier, prettier chick. I am that chick. I seriously wanna marry this dude. and no he does not know it! I refuse to let him feel that much in charge of my emotions.

Speaking of. It is not too often there is a gorgeous guy in my bed. I am going back : )

Think thin, lovelies.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Ice-cubes.

I am so unbelievably cold. My heat stopped working in my apartment. Keep in mind that I am in the Northeast and we are experiencing a blizzard!! Shit. I texted the landlord, called him once, my Dad called him....and nothing. He is apparently warm and comfy in his house and couldn't care less about his cold tenants. Pshh.

Hung with T. last night ::sigh::
He is dreamy. He makes me feel good. Self-conscious, shy..but good. I think we have a chance. I have tried screwing stuff up a little, and it worked. We didn't see each other for a few days. But we talked and reconnected. I emailed him. He sent me long texts (lol). I am not hungry around him, which is great. He is ALWAYS eating or talking about food. Wtf? Is this all guys? He is skinny though; he kinda has a girl's body. I mean that in the nicest way possible, I mean he obviously has a dicK..lol sorry, just smoking and typing again. The silliest things come out. I am very attracted to him, his brain and body. He is incredibly smart and funny.

He is motivation to lose weight.
The perfect reason to drop pounds.
He likes to touch my bones,
I noticed. He touches me gently.
I wish to be thinner,
a butterfly pinned down
by T.'s arms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a test in 55 minutes. I am sitting here getting high and writing quasi-poetry about T. and thin. I am a slacker right now. I could be studying! I could be getting dressed! (I am in pjs with a blanket wrapped around me)...GET UP SAR!!!!

Love to everyone *

Think Thin!! Stay StrOng!!!!




Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Untitled.





Monday, December 7, 2009

It's a fight.

Welcome to my new layout! I decided to get with the times and make this thing prettier to look at. Isn't that what I am doing to myself?

It is early in the morning, 9, ok not so early, but early for me. I am up, smoking, and preparing for class at 10. Then this hellish last week of classes begins. I have 2 large papers to write and two finals this week. Next week I have two more finals...wtf? Harsh. I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it.

I hope. As for blogging, I have no idea how much I will be able to squeeze in. I am going to try and do it more, it seems to be kind of exciting to me. This idea of writing non-fiction and flinging it into the depths of the internet is a rush. I might always do it.

I need to focus on me today. I need to live fully in the very second of my timely existence. I need to improve my mindset!!!!

I want to be "happy"...by that I mean not sad. To get there is a challenge, but some people have made it. I really want to discover the stuff I am made of. The rest of this week is going to be tough. Actually it is going to be hard as fuck.
Can I do it?
I hope!
If I can than maybe I can succeed in other places, like losing weight.

Intake: gummy vitamins (they're good!).
water.

Later? Coffee.

It's time to get my gameface on. Grrr.

It's on!

I will win. I can't wait to type "I win!" about the war on school and my body. I will stick with this ipod app. until it works! and even then I will always keep it going because I wish to stay healthy. Any extra weight on my body ALSO weighs on all of my essential organs, making it harder for them to funtion with perfection and ease. I want my body to work well. I want my brain to work hard.

I'm off to class.

Think thin today. tomorrow. the next day.

How does it feel to be admired?

<3

Sunday, December 6, 2009

I blame the American Dream.

Oh it's been bad.
I have been religiously entering every calorie into my I-touch app, "Lose it". It is and it isn't helping. It has helped by making me more aware of how food adds up. I am scared to fucking death of getting to 2000/cal a day (I am allowed 1,061). It seems like every day I go over, but not by much, and there is a bright red bar that shows my naughty progress. I can't describe it, just get it! I want to lose weight, oh my god, I need to. I will keep up with this!!! If I lost two pounds a week I could be on my way to /a c t u a l l y/ achieving something.

It is hard though. Today my parents came and of course the first thing they wanted to do was get lunch. The very first thing! So we went and got chinese food, and now I am freaking out. I ate mixed vegetables (mostly broccoli & all cooked in some greasy sauce), mushrooms in "brown sauce", small amounts of lo mein & fried rice, a piece of fried eggplant, half a sugar cookie, 2 cling peach slices, 2 pieces of cut up melon, umm....that's it. And that is a shitload. I am sickened MOSTLY because i am a vegetarian!!!! Hello Sar!?!? I knew NONE of the ingredients. I am sure now that I ingested beef or chicken juice or whatever the fuck they cook it with. A salad wasn't even an OPTION there, I am fucking disgusted. I should have known better, what kills me is that I had the choice! I could have picked somewhere else to go! But I was exhausted and NOT HUNGRY IN THE SLIGHTEST when they got here, and so what happens? I let them choose.
The crack-like smells and colors wafting from the damn buffets called to me, they tugged at my shirt and whispered shyly in my ear, "eat me". So I did. To please my parents.

It wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't binge Friday night. I went to McDonalds at two in the morning for a order of french fries (small, thankfully). Omfg. So salty, and yet, not satisfying. I (like a real winner) drove to the only other fast food place in this town to still be open, Tim Hortons. I got an egg salad wrap and a boston creme donut. I ate them. They were both bland, tasteless, not worth it, etc. I didn't purge. I went to sleep. (And then woke up to a buffet)...fml.

Sorry for all the caps locks I am just incredibly frustrated with myself. I got my period a week early; I have been acting grumpy and isolating myself from everyone, including T.
I hate myself for making T think that I am nutso. I am doing it on purpose, it scares me because it is also slightly automatic. I tried to explain it to him. I didn't try hard enough though. He misunderstood. Or maybe he understood, but focused on other things. I am acting like a jealous freak. I accused him of wanting to be with his ex-girlfriend. I don't blame myself for acting so foolish, I blame my experiences.

I hurt. I finally went to the counseling center on Thursday; I broke down. I was supposed to go back the next day, in order to start an immediate chain of visits, but I called ten minutes before and rescheduled. I am putting it off, once again.

Listen to "High and Dry" by Radiohead sometime. It is a wonderful song.

I feel so bloated from the sodium of the past two days. I have been chugging water. I have peed like ten times. Sorry Tmi...

I miss blogging. This blog has changed from the very first entry to now. I started it almost two years ago and I was in a totally different place. I have changed so damn much; I am a shell of a person, a work-in-progress, a mind's eye & an inner voice.

I just want to be thinner. I am really tempted to post some pics. I am just really self-conscious.

I am high and I lost my direction. School...no words really, well failure comes to mind. Ha! I am in college and I am not smart enough to be here. There, I said it. It sucks but the truth hurts. I have no ideas in mind, no plan for the future, no escape route, nothing. I want a plan, I want a purpose. What can it be? Ideas anyone?

I have nothing else. I am lost. I am alone. I am cold and fat. I have to stop myself from wishing that I could go back to my youth. I am 23 and can't quite believe it. I remember being in elementary school...I remember it and long to relive it. I long for its simplicity. I long for an innocent, cloud-free mind.
I am falling down, I need my reflexes to kick in and save me. I hope I make it.


LOve tO yOu.

~Sar~

Stay Strong Today,
& Tomorrow Will Be Better!!!!!!!!

Think thin : )

Monday, November 30, 2009

Just like starting over.

I have not posted in awhile. I have been incredibly busy. I have been reading your blogs, though. Isn't it funny how I have no problem lurking behind the scenes, reading SO many different blogs that I just get lost in a tangled web of lives therefore neglecting MY blog? I suppose it is because my life is not exceptionally interesting. I do what I can to liven shit up. I break the rules sometimes. I curse like a sailor and blush like a virgin around a suggestive stare. I am a study of contrasts. A hypocrite, a lover.

I am in a weird mood. T. was here late, again, lol, cue me blushing. He is great, amazing, I don't know a word for him, he is just T. He is sexy as fuck. It is basically up to me whether or not we "get official"/start a relationship...he wants it. I sort of want it. We were very open tonight. I can't explain why I don't know for sure about being a couple- I do know this, though. I am extremely insecure. It is debilitating to say the least. Tonight I was talking down about myself a little to him. He said I don't give myself enough credit. I do not know what that means. Credit for what? I am just me...whoever that is.

OH! I got an I-touch Ipod, and downloaded the free app Lose it!!!! I have it set so I lose two pounds a week!!! I love it so far, I am addicted to the calculations, the inspiration. I am reduced to the number of calories I eat. I am allowed 1,061 calories per day. I am trying like hell here, I need to shed some poundage FAST!!!! So yeah, I totally recommend this app if you have an I-phone or I-touch. I just know it's going to work!!!

Think thinner, lovelies.

xo


Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy? Thanksgiving...

Yesterday. All my troubles seemed so far away.
Yesterday, I binged on fresh whole wheat bread.

WAKE UP!?! Bread is bad. Carbs are bad. Today I am FAT. Perfect.

There goes any hope for enjoying food today. So I am fasting. Fuck it. No food, nothing, SERIOUSLY NOTHING until later on when I sit down at dinner. Salad first, a big one, NO EXCEPTIONS. No dressing. My mom has salsa in the fridge I'm sure, so I will use a teaspoon of that to liven things up.
No dinner roll. NO butter on mashed potatoes. Luckily I use my vegetarianism as an excuse to skip turkey, gravy, & stuffing. 1 slice of pumpkin pie with no whipped cream.

These are my rules for today. Small but worthwhile rules I can embrace.

I am so out of control. I guess I was just missing T. last night. I went to the store (to buy cat litter!!) and left with the bread ... dumb.

Come on, Sar. Where did your wonderful will power go?
It is on its way back. I will not fail. Today will be a success, in my terms.

Ughhhhh I am so bloated : (
Whyy did I even go there? What happened? I don't get it. It didn't even SINK IN until I woke up and checked the mirror, as usual. Ohgod. Help.

The only way I can make this positive is by SUCCEEDING today. I HAVE to. I HAVE to use this fuck up as fuel to my fire.

Hope you all enjoy the holiday. Xo

STAY STRONG!!!!!!!!

*Think Thin*

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Can I?


Ready?
4 veggie egg rolls and an entire BOX of Triscuits. 1 wedge of 'Laughing cow' light swiss cheese. 1/2 of a muffin.
(Yesterday's intake)

That is so much. Luckily I've slept most of the day away. It is 5 in the evening and all I have ate is a larabar. I am drinking water out of one of the new cups I bought yesterdays. Cups, exciting/NOT. But they are big; they hold more water! Oh the little things...

I feel so fucking fat. Gawdddd.
Oh! And I just remembered! Last night I was hanging with T. at his friend's place and he got up to get cookies (for himself! or so I thought) and walked over and like got in my face and just HANDED it to me. Eat a cookie. Uh no. What the fuck. Don't feed me. Especially in front of people. Not cool, man.
But I ate it. So add that to the list.

I am high right now. T. wants to "spend the day together" but seeing as how we both slept in super late, I bet he means the night. As in, spend the night together/sleeping together/having sex? Being completely naked? I mean, he has seen me nude from the belly button up and I didn't feel horribly fat at that time. But today I just feel gross. Brb I am going to go check in the mirror-

:sigh: Just as I expected. Total tummy bloat from all the damn sodium in those PROCESSED CARBOHYDRATE-FILLED WHEAT STUPID CRACKERS. Wow, what was I thinking? I went to the store to get vitamins, for God's sake, and I ended up buying "dinner"?? Not even healthy. I should of got a fucking salad.

What is wrong with me? I was doing so good! Things with T. are good! I just want to look good!!!!!!!

I am frustrated. T. wants to see me and all I want to do is HIDE!!!!! I mean, we have hung out so much- what is a night apart? I admit- I do want to see him, I really like being around him. But at what cost? I have been incredibly open with him lately. I need a breather. It is draining sometimes, being around people 24/7. I crave alone time.

He is leaving for his hometown tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I am going to leave Thursday. We are not spending it together. It would make sense too, but I am definitely glad. I am unsure if he is ready to celebrate a total ANTI-vegetarian holiday with me, watching me pick at my plate, me watching him devour the disgusting dead cooked flesh & fat that turkey is!

Anyway.

Yesterday's intake was BAD. But the day before that was good. If I am good today (wait not IF. I WILL be) than maybe all those calories will simply be a metabolism booster!

Ta ta for now, insightful readers. If you have any ideas about obtaining body confidence I would love to hear them.

<3

Think thin!!!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

blurry.




She looks awesome right?
I had a website up before, but I am editing that post as we speak, darlings, because I worry it may have offended.

Just hope everyone is doing well. I cannot honestly complain at the moment. I have plans tonight with T. I am feeling thinner than I have felt in awhile (but nowhere near thin, not even close to what I was before). I am smoking my last bowl. I feel sorta peaceful I guess. Just ready to get control. ToTaL control! I don't even feel hunger. I feel sick at the thought of eating, because I have ate some gross shyt, ie. fried anything, SUGAR. BREAD. Imagine how that looks all chewed up and covered in neon yellow stomach acid. Nasty, right? SO why the eff would a normal person even bother with that whole process. It's gotta be bad for you.

^I am officially losing it.

but you know what? any tactic that will keep me away from food I will embrace. because:

I will be thinner than I am today. I will never stop restricting. This is who I am.

<3 <3

Ana's getting to me.

What a week. T. & I. Wow. WOw.!!! ohgod, our hooking up reaches a new level every time. My body feels numb. We were together for 8 hours this evening. 8 fucking hours. He is super sexy and he turns me on...we haven't had sex though. Not even close, really. But it's like, something to look forward to.

I can wait. I am still having CRAZY body issues. I look at myself and see fat. fat. fat. flab. flab. fat.

Ok, that is out of my system. Now a more realistic point of view: I have been restricting and it shows. I have still been eating. Not as many carbs, way less sugar..etc. I have no idea what I weigh and it is driving me nuts. Is there somewhere I can just go and weigh myself, preferably confidentially? A gym, perhaps. Lol, I wouldn't know -I never work out. I do live on the 4th floor, and get quite a bit of stair climbing in, especially during laundry. I park far away, so I can walk a few extra steps.

That is it, really. I stretch a lot. I suck in my stomach constantly, I think that tightens it? Maybe.

My thoughts are all over the place. I just want to be thinner and sexier. Tonight T. & I were laying topless in his bed, just kissing and hugging, and it was wonderful because he would grab my waist with the crook of his arm, like in his elbow, and kind of pull me closer to him. I think he liked my (do I dare say) small frame next to his larger one. Ohgod. He is so hott. My point is, guys like to feel bones. I believe it to be true, anyways. Sure they love curves too, but every single experience I've had with guys tells me they like skinny chics.

Fiona Apple - "Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love."

I relate! to that^

When in doubt just lose a few pounds.

My motto.

Think thin.

Stay STRONG! against evil, fattening food.

<3 to you all.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Leapin' Leonids!

T. and I are about to watch the Leonids Meteor Shower. On the beach. It is 5 minutes to midnight. I am excited -but- I really should be staying in to work on homework due at 9:30 in the morning. Well, I have to pick and choose the details of my day. I took a 3 hour nap this evening, in preparation of tonight. I just hope hope HOPE we actually see some shooting stars.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Today's food intake (it's bad): kashi granola bar. sandwich flat with peanut butter (only one, thank goodness). cherries. 410 calories of CHIPS. 300 calories of DIP. 200 calories of PRETZELS! <--my dinner. Chips and dip. fuckin' nasty!!

And that is it. Today would have been great if I didn't freak out on the munchin' of the chip dip chip chippiness!

Right now I am sipping a delicious black coffee. No food since the chips, none tonight. None tomorrow. I can do it.

Love to you ALL!!!
Peace/
Think Thin!!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

To write Love on her arms.


This is my arm. I wrote "love" on it in pen to show support to anyone who has ever cut. I have cut. Not a lot, not recently: I did it when I was in high school because I was so damn depressed (wow this has been going on for awhile). What a feeling, to look down at scratches and scars and feel .. pride? shame? .. devotion?

Devotion to the self.

We could all try to NOT say hateful things about ourselves. I just learned of this kind idea, ten minutes ago, through a blog!
I'm lovin' how much can be learned today. I had a great day. No sleep last night, got up severely early and had a shitload of nervous energy, which I still have. T. & I spent the day in a city 30 min. away. We walked (bonus workout!!) up and down streets, going nowhere, just having fucking adventures. I spray painted a fucking peace sign. Holy fuck I'm going to jail./hell. hopefully not but... anyways. Yeah. We also just entered this old, abandoned building, and crept around. (And kissed). I got scared, I kept expecting to see a ghost or a corpse or something freaky. We were trespassing completely lol. We are badasses together.

It was a weird/awesome/crazy day. It ended with dinner. I did so good; I avoided the bread & butter completely. I ate half of my (surprisingly small) portion of pesto cheese ravioli and covered the rest with my napkin. I also ordered a salad (no cheese) and ate a little more than half. Maybe a table spoon of balsamic vinagrette on top. Water to drink.

[[ and you know what? it was easy to resist that nasty food. ]]

More later. Him and I are meeting back up in an hour to drink/party at this house where bands will be playing.. I am excited. I am wearing purple lace tights and a black & white dress, with tall black boots..oh yeah, feeling flyy. He said I have sexy legs ; )

He is a good kisser. Oh and it feels so good to kiss. It has been so long since I had a real, romantic kiss. So, so long.

It is so good that it hurts. That chest pain is coming back. My heart is getting a workout. I am trying to not be so detached today. I am trying to live in the moment. I looked at T. earlier and tried to see him. I tried to see myself through his eyes. I couldn't. At this point I am only relying on my emotional clues and intuition.

A quick point: besides the food at the restaurant all I ate today was about 50 calories of microwaved egg beaters. Gotta love www.Hungrygirl.com

Love you all!
-Peace-

Think thin.

Oh man.

Above all else I am a creative, non-fiction writer.

Never forget that.

I am on cloud 9. I am so high off the air. I feel good. I feel happy.

It's T.

Gawdd I was so confused earlier. But luckily we made out tonight. Omg.

I am drunk, I'm sorry, this post is silly.
But the post earlier was rough. I was feeling real down. Now I feel UP.

LoL. I am giggling, people.

THINK THIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Always remember: nothing tastes as good as thin feels...

nothing.

xoxo

Thursday, November 12, 2009

SaD.

I lied. Lie lying liar. Lying lies/lying eyes/fat thighs/no fries/hateHATEhate.

I don't know where I am. I am in a freakin' bubble. I hate this life so much right now, rage is ravenous in me, my heart is aching, like I can actually feel pain real pain in my heart. Poor, beating, blood-thirsty zombie of a heart. Die.

Or don't. I could try facing life. I could try being fucking proactive for once. Oh wait, that's right, when I have no marijuana I am proactive about obtaining some, what an ambitious winner I am, what a jolly holiday. What a world. What a life. What the fuck.

This person. Me. . . <-- who?? no! never!

This person is a big, fat, faker.

I don't even know who I like. Half of me thinks that I am using T. to fill some sort of void. God, I hope I am not doing that..how could I not know? I should know what is going on inside of me...I should know what to fucking do.

Problem/scary thing? I smoke up and forget.

I hate myself right now, outside and inside. I wish for nothing. I deserve nothing.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Pretty.
















~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This weekend was good but bad. I chilled with T. I just realized that him and I were together 5 days in a row. Last night we went to the beach and watched the sunset. Cheesy, I know, but it was so sweet and serene. We can talk. He makes me laugh. Where did this even come from??

Out of nowhere!

I was just me, and now I am me, but there is a boy.
This blog is not about him.

Ahem. On Saturday I broke down and ate like a pig. I was so damn hungry! Sadly, I indulged in fast food : ( I am embarrassed to type this, but getting the truth on the table is helpful. I went to Dunkin Donuts and ate an eggwhite veggie flatbread. hash browns. vanilla coolatta...wtf?!?! Then I went to the dollar store and bought triscuits and cookies. again. wTf? Then, I went to Taco Bell and got 1 fresco bean burrito!!! Holy shit fatass. It was all good at the time, sure. I was on this weird autopilot. I was craving carbs like whoa...

I didn't eat for the rest of the night. Thankgod. Yesterday I ate decently. Today I will eat next to nothing. Tomorrow, maybe nothing.

Hatehatehate when I am doing good and restricting but then fuck it up with nasty shit because I am so hungry I can't think. It is money I should NOT be spending on food. If I never ate my wardrobe would be amazing.

It is so early in the morning and yet I am wide awake. I barely slept last night. I want to get high so bad. But I have none. I am supposed to go to class in a little over an hour. I don't want to. I probably should though, considering we have a test on Wednesday.

I just want to be thinner. So. So. Bad. I hate my fat self. I hate hiding behind baggy clothes because I am too ashamed to flaunt my body. Sure, if I really wanted to, I could, and I bet no one would point and stare. Or call me fat (to my face).
I am just not brave enough! I am scared to death to have T. see my naked body. I feel like soon enough, he will. When did this all get so hard? I literally have to fake confidence at times, just to appear normal. Because if I don't, I am so wrapped up in my head, and then beating myself up, looking down on myself from above, hating what I see. This goes on and on and on until I realize I am being too quiet and socially awkward. So I fake it. It works (sometimes).

Sorry this post kind of sucks. There is a lot on my mind, and this blog is supposed to be my outlet, but it seems like there is too much to fill in/explain/type and I really just don't fucking feel like it.

Think thin.

Finding thinspo is strangely addicting, wow.
<3

Friday, November 6, 2009

I can't be saved.

Some of you lovely readers have asked about T.
The truth is I don't know. We hang out a lot. We talk a lot. He has incredible taste in music and is Greek. As in, a Greek God look-alike. Sort of. I don't know what I see, or who I see, when I look at him.
I met him 3 weeks ago. At work. We work together. . . He is a year older than me. I think he likes me more than a friend at this point. He tried to kiss me last night. I was wasted though. So was he. We were just standing in the hall outside of my apartment talking, and I flung my arms around him for our first hug. (wow do I sound like an 8th grader or what?) He kinda locked his arms around me for a quick second as I pulled away from the hug, as if to hold me closer for a smooch ; )

I pulled away/jerked away/ran away/put distance between us as fast as possible.

I avoided his eyes, said "bye!" and walked inside without looking back.

Now I regret it.

I don't know. There is definitely chemistry between us. There is something. We are too kind to each other. People are noticing. I can't do this though.
Every. Single. Guy. I have been with has been a totally crazy asshole, at one point or the other. Not even kidding, wish I was. I have had luck in that I have had several boyfriends. But the "love" wasn't real. I cried far too much, in all of them, every day, crying, trying, fighting. Sinking down into this depression that currently owns me did not happen overnight.
I like him. But my version of "like" is different..I can tolerate being around him, is what it really means. I can't tolerate most folks. Sorry if that sounds, well, bitchy/self-centered/closed-minded. The truth is I have just been pushed to the fucking limits...and have little to no patience with people over the age of 8.

I talked to my mom for the first time in awhile. That might explain the negativity lying behind these words, the hurt that is streaming through my blood, poisoning my heart and making it cold and useless.

The test I thought I did good on? D.
Fuck my life. Fuck school.

I want YOU to know that your comments mean so damn much. It is a wonderful comfort, knowing that there are other people on this planet we all share, that can relate, who can send me kind words via the internet. I want you all to be ok. I want to be ok. Let's solve world peace : )

Time to stop. I really can't think. I have been thinking about T. all damn day. We really connected last night, and the night before, emotionally and mentally. Just not physically, what the fuck? Oh wait. I don't want to get close. I am not ready.

I am self-sabotaging...I get high off fucking up, I think.
Ugh, I am sounding so EMO at this point, time to stop. juststop.

I have been restricting.
I like what I am seeing!

Please, don't get me wrong, I EAT. My biggest fear concerning this blog, is that younger girls (teenage) will stop eating when it is basically crucial that they don't.

I am an adult. I am 23 years old. I am done growing, so is my brain. I can make these choices without fucking up my hormones and shizz.. I am sorry. Again. I don't know what I am talking about. Just please don't go nuts.

I am holding on to the wall, the undulating floor beneath me threatens my balance. I am feeling dizzy, and lighter. I won't be fat anymore.

Gotta go.

Think thin.
**************

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Laughter.

I am hungry but I am choosing not to eat. What power, what pleasure.

And so it goes...

I studied with T. tonight. I told him about this blog...I said he would never be able to find it. I didn't say anything concerning subject matter. Just casually mentioned that I had 15 followers(!!!!) on my online blog. Haha it's fun, because I truly don't believe he would ever be able to discover this. Wow, terrible of me to dangle this juicy secret over his waiting lips.

Yeah, so I like him. We were together for like 5 hours tonight. Just reading and writing and laughing and talking. And a little flirting. No physical touch. None! When we do, if, it will be e l e c t r i c !!!
I can wait. I need to keep losing. I do not want him to touch my fat self. I want him to touch my thin self. I want him to feel bone and I want him to know it's because I am trying.

I am struggling this semester...my grades are going to SUCK. Luckily I don't care about grades. Well...I do and I don't. I care more about knowledge retained. Almost done, almost done. Keep on truckin'. TRY!!! Stay Strong and Sexy. I love S-words. I love life right now. I am high off T. He is incredibly sweet and funny! He comes from a semi-normal family!

I recognize that different qualities in men mean different things. I don't care as much about looks these days. I stare past skin into souls. I see something refreshing in this guy.

And yet I still need to keep a distance. It is imperative that I do not rush into anything, and that includes feelings. I do not want to need.

No need.
~~~~~~
Have I mentioned that I adore every single person that reads this?
I know my words are a little crazy at times..but isn't life??


Peace/Love/Think thin.

<3

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Wings.

Today was another fail. Not necessarily because of food, but because of me and how I act. I act like a punk who hates authority and doesn't give a shit. I don't seem to care that I am paying thousands of dollars for college...I don't seem to care about much.
Let's see. I care about my cat. I care that he doesn't die/starve.
God, I can't even go on with this. I feel sick inside. I just looked down at my sleeping cat next to me and felt so alone. Isn't that weird? At least I have some company now. I lived ALL alone from January to the end of August. Now this cat is my friend.
But I want a lover.
I do.

I stopped at T.'s randomly tonight. We text all the time, it is almost weird; we have been doing it since we met. Every day, all day, text, text, chit-chat, shoot the shit, whatever. We do it. I like it. I don't want to count on it. I don't want to need it. I don't want to need him. But him wanting/needing me might be okay. Wow listen to me, pathetic, to be needed by someone.
I don't. I just want a hug. I want a kiss. I want to hold a hand. A Connection. Electric. Chemistry. Touch/feel. Love/hate.

dream, Sar. don't give up.

I already have. I am trying to push him away by acting weird. I do this when I am scared.

he might like it.

He might not. He might hate it.

help.

me.

please.

T.


Why do I want to be saved?


What is the limit of my self-destruction?


I want answers. I am too afraid to get them. I am too afraid to be vulnerable.







Think thin./. Stay strong.

.peace.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Monday fail.

I ignored Halloween candy and treats. I barely ate over the weekend. I was doing good, being strong, not obsessing about food, liking the way I looked.

But then Today happened. I have had a bad day. I slept through my class. I was ignored by R. (remember him? dick!).. he even told my friend standing with me that her hair is hot. Um hi? What about me? We fucked dude apparently that means nothing, nothing, NOTHING. So I don't give a flying fuck. I hate him. I hate life. I hate myself. I hate my situation. I hate my goddamn bread cravings.

All I ate until *the binge* was fruit and yogurt. I really should have just went to bed, or something. But I went to the store and bought food. Most of it is healthy if ate in moderation!!! But can I be moderate? Hell no! I want/need/crave/will do anything for food when I feel like this. When I feel this bummed there is nothing that will make it better, not even weed. When I smoke, I get sort of high, then I remember who I am and I go back down. Then I want more so I smoke more. Then I get the munchies. Then I eat. Terrible process because all the smoking and eating DOESN'T MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY.

I ate: Amy's frozen dinner (270 cal). WHOLE WHEAT BAGUETTE (675 cal). 2 laughing cow cheese wedges (30 cal each). Hummus & baby carrots (500 cal).

WHAT A FAT ASS.
omg.
I
hate
me

Why
can't
I
hate
food
?

Oh wait. I do. Ok sure, I'm full now. Stuffed to the brim. If I eat NOTHING until tomorrow at noon I will be ok.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Halloween was awesome. I looked good! My friends looked good! I drank a lot and hung with T. but still nothing. No kiss, no hug...just shyness and apprehension!

I hope you all are wonderful. Thanks for posting, it is nice to know I am not completely alone with these crazy thoughts.

I hate them. I hate me.
Make it all go away.

Cut cut cutcutcutcut

Bl e e d.

Bye.



ps. Still no purging. Flushed inspired me to stop. I can't and won't go back there. Too gruesome..too time consuming. Hope you are staying strong, girl.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Halloweeen.

Happy Halloween to those who celebrate it!!
What is your costume? (If you even dress up). I dress up because I am a child at heart when it comes to Halloween..always have loved Autumn in the East, the crunching of the leaves below, the cool crisp bite of air in my ears, getting free candy, etc. Therefore each year I must do something!

I am leaving to go shopping shortly for (basically all of) my costume.
The only thing I bought is fishnet stockings. What am I dressing up as tonight?
A sexy witch. Heh. How cliche of me. But I will be seeing T. and want to look cute, might as well say I am being "sexy"..ya know. Just to get the word out there. I hope hope hope we kiss tonight!

Anyways. Just a quick post to remind myself (and YOU) to stay strong today!

Think thin!

<3

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Dreams vs. Reality

I bought "Wintergirls"..I started reading it and can't put it down. But now I am online and about to do some homework (it's 1 AM). I just want to read more. I am convinced I will buckle down in the days to come, just while I am reading this. It is thin-spiring.

So T. asked me to watch a movie and then go out for drinks. I told him I had plans with friends but that I would like to see him out. I saw him briefly today and I know I blushed like crayz.
I am into him. But I need to stay away. I feel that I will corrupt him. If I keep this whole thing at arms length I should be okay.
I broke down into tears to my school advisor. :Sigh: . I was seriously depressed. I have been, it hasn't stopped. I am honestly just trying to get by without doing anything too drastic. My life is kind of a mess. I have definitely gained weight over these passed few days. I have been eating carelessly. I hate myself sometimes.

I like T. but I am too shy and too damn scared to do anything about it.
I don't want him to know the real me. He will hate me. Maybe he won't. But I do.

I just want to .... what???
I don't even know anymore.

My brain is so clogged from daily pot smoking and anxiety. I can't think. I can't spell. I can't put together a coherent sentence while speaking. I am a mess. Not a hot one, anymore.
Though I did go shopping today : )
I bought black corduroy pants, 2 long sleeved tops, 1 short sleeved top.
Good deals, too. I tried on some jeans, and wow did I feel fat. I neeeeed to start working out. I am getting older and I don't want to be flabby, I want to be fit and hot!

My body hurts. I have been staying up until at least 5 Am every day. Then getting up for a short while, then napping, then staying up super late, then getting up early, and then passing out, then getting up once again, chugging coffee and getting drunk and high.

What have I become? Who is this person typing these words? Why can't I gain some control?

I want it, damnit.
I want to own my body. I don't want my body to own me.
I want to be weightless. When T. someday touches my body I would like him to feel bone. I need to do this.

It's fucking time.

I leave you with a quote:
"I measure myself; I can't act or play soccer, and most of them have better grades than me. But I am the thinnest girl in the room, hands down."

Monday, October 26, 2009

It hurts...and it kills.

It sucks to realize that I am not what my parents wanted.
My mom freely admitted to me that my Dad did not want any more kids. She did. My whole life has been her defending me to him, her helping my case, her loving me more, her spending bonding time with me. Dad just handed over the money. I just got in a nasty fight with her. Money is SUCH a fucking issue in my family and I hate it!! In fact, my main goal in life is to get by with less money than the norm. Of course I am nowhere near it, just the mindset.

I can't even talk about this. It is all so internal, so unexplainable, so hard to find the words to portray the hurt. There are no words for it. Family is a four letter word. I have so many memories of my mom defending my Dad to me, or me to my Dad. He used to pick on me so much. He was always "joking". I "never got it". I was "too sensitive". I was a "drama queen". I was never enough. My sense of "me" is tainted by black tar.

In other news, it is 7 at night and I am eating fruit snacks. First thing I ate all day. And doing laundry, which involves lots of stair climbing. Might do 4 loads : )

Besides wanting to slit my wrists right now, I am okay. I have pot. I have somewhat healthy snacks. I have breath in my lungs and a new cd!!! from T.
He is cute. We hung out last night and laughed and laughed. He is fun. He is kissable but it has not happened. Yet.

You will be the first to know.

Starve On.
Think Thin.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Smoke sesh & ruminations.

A lot has been going on! Days have been flying by and my weight has been fluctuating, as usual.
First, I met someone last Saturday at work! T. is tall *a plus*, dark, and handsome. AND over a year older than me!!! This is ideal, and he is nice. We have texted every single day since then. We chilled outside of work as well. The downside? We work together. He just broke up with his girl...ex-girl now. And I don't know when, exactly. And I don't want to be a rebound fling!!
Sigh. It's not like I am ready for a relationship. I am scared to death of commitment and maintaining close relationships. I have no self esteem, ha. The idea of a stranger touching me in a sexual, naked kind of way just makes me shiver and blush. I am too nervous now. I have been off my meds for over a week (zoloft); I think I might be crazy as fuck, or close to it. Also, my body is not perfection. Not even close.

So last night he texted me telling me he thought I was beautiful, "in terms of looks and personality". I am not sure what to think. I know that guys are generally more straight forward, so maybe there is no extra meaning. Maybe he is attracted to me? The me inside? Scary. I feel like a badass next to him. I have done countless drugs and encountered some extremely adult experiences. Shit. He is older but younger. I don't know, I don't even know him. How can I judge him? We only "talk" through texts. What is that? What was this world of dating like without text messages??

So we went to the bar last night. I had previously pregamed with some friends; drinking, smoking, blowing lines, etc.- the norm with K. So I was out of mind, then I met up with T. and took a shot and drank a beer. After everything else? I don't know how I walked. I don't know how I talked. All I remember doing is flirting with every guy there, well not every guy...but G. (who I previously hooked up with, aka huge d!c&) and A. Muahaha I was all over A. But I was there with T. and I left with T.

This is starting to sound like a math problem. Fuck it.

Bottom line? I drank so much I puked this day away. Down to the acid. Oh it hurt, and it still hurts. But I couldn't eat or keep water down. Finalllllly I ate some brown rice and green beans. LoL..that just sounds ridiculous. But it is what I had in the house. When hungover, I crave the good stuff, like blueberry pancakes, ice cold orange juice, anything with carbs really. My body was depleted of nutrients and when I finally started to feel hungry again I just didn't want to stop at the healthy stuff.. So I left in search of dinner.

This. Gets. BAD.
I drove to DD's and got a wonderful egg white veggie flatbread and a skim latte.
(I was craving breakfast food)

I shoulda coulda woulda stopped there. But you know me.
I drove to Taco Bell and ordered a fresco bean burrito and a water. I sat in my car and devoured it. Oh my God. At this point I was on autopilot; at this point I was fucking blind. I justified my actions, "Egg whites and beans are important and good for me". Ha! It doesn't even end now.
Nope, no happy ending here, folks.
I am literally laughing out loud: I drove to McDonalds...WTF? I got a MEDIUM french fry with ketchup!!!!! WTFwtfWtF?
I drove home, kicking myself, feeling like a gluttonous elephant, feeling no control over my world, just feeling like shit.
But somehow, I brightened. Probably because my stomach was at least empty when I started. I could have gotten more, drove somewhere else, but I stopped myself. I mean, please don't get me wrong: stopping at three (3) fast food places is absolutely terrible and useless, not to mention the money spent on junk food could have been spent on a new belt. Or cute knee socks. Or even earrings. I am just happy I didn't go for a donut, which I definitely thought about. Small victory.

Since I am being so open, I am going to go in for the kill. At work, on my break, I got an egg salad sandwich. Do you hate me yet? How could I fail like this?? All the time... I know that none of us are pathetic and desperate. And yet we all succomb to tempation with little to no regard of the consequences! I can really only speak for myself. I just know that I read your blogs! And I feel like we are all riding this wave, sometimes hitting the peak and floating weightlessly across the world, and sometimes rough, choppy bottom waters bounce us around unpredicatably. All I know is that my cravings get intense and sometimes I really just need to satisfy them. I wanted eggs today, apparently. Note to self: get egg beaters.

I cannot believe how much I ate today. Let's review the list:
1 cup of brown rice (170)
green beans (85)
egg white flatbread (300)
fresco bean burrito (350)
french fries (450)
egg salad sandwich (325)
latte (150)
*approximate calorie counts* Total for today: 1830 calories holyshit. But not too bad...considering.....I purposely got the advertised "healthier" option at DD's & TB. The fries were just a comfort thing.

Well I have rambled on enough. I worked late tonight, I haven't ate since that sandwich, and now it is time to sit back and relax with my bowl and my cat.

Stay strong, all. I will too.
**Peace**

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Help!?

What the fuck have I done?? I was doing just fine eating today, until about 30 minutes ago, when I was leaving campus. I was IN MY CAR leaving! But my fat ass said "I want food!" So I pulled over next to one of the buildings and went inside to the vending machine and panicked because I heard some guy come behind me. I quickly punched the button without even looking at the price and walked out of there with a HUGE garlic white "french bread" pizza...it was HUGE! What happened to not eating anything bigger than my hand???/ I should have just stuck with the freakin' muffin I saw in there...anything! would have been better than a huge slab of white bread (no nutritional value to speak of) slathered with cheese and garlic. I came home, microwaved it along with some red sauce, and ate the whole thing in about 5 minutes. Wow. I am so gross. Now my stomach feels bloated and disgusting and I am basically freakin the fuck out right now.

All I want to do is purge. Oh my god I can't though. I want to. But I can't even go there. I haven't in soo long. I can't I can't I can't. But I want to. Shit!

What can I do??

What the hell happened to my control?

Baby I can see your halo...

I was eating decently until last night when this adorable plastic box of cookies with a pink breast cancer awareness bracelet taped to the front caught my eye at the market. I had to support the cause, and I had to finish all the mini chocolate chip cookies (5 for 150 cal & 6 servings...). I am disgusted with myself, once again.

In other news I lost exactly one inch from around my waist. Not where I would choose to lose but hey, I'll take what I can get. No change anywhere else. Wtf? Inches, or lack thereof, are PROOF! Proof that I'm not the average fool who believes what these food companies are advertising to me. I know the food labels are incorrect, that is why I always guess on the high end. Of course, if I buy organic I don't have these fears.

I have been eating a lot of fruit and vegetables! Sometimes I actually crave them! Since they are negative calories items I know I can eat them and "burn" some extra calories while my body digests these foods! Hellz yeah. I want to do the negative calorie diet. My problem is *money*. *Rolls Eyes* Why does money rule this freakin' world? Money is a ticket out, a way in, and a pain in my ass because the only cash I have is from a school LOAN. And I have to go out of my way to buy the good stuff because my campus does NOT cater to vegans/ organic food lovers.

I digress. I am so lonely. I am craving male company hardcore; last night I was laying in bed with my arms wrapped around myself and just missing someone, a nameless, faceless being. I just want someone. No, scratch that. What I really want is for someone to want me. So much.
It doesn't look like R. is breaking up with his gf any time soon. I can be delusional and say that when we see each other, sparks fly between us, our bodies, and our souls cry out towards each other, longing for a physical connection to manifest in. I can pretend this is the truth, and avoid the truth..which is all too easy. Or I can move the fuck on.

It hurts. He played with my head and heart. I want him still. It sucks.

I want to be thin, too. This, unlike ^that^, is attainable. I think the negative calorie diet could really help speed things along. Just a thought, no action as of yet. I will get there, I will, I will.

And maybe someday I will have somebody that wants me.

Love & Peace.