well hello

well hello

Thursday, March 23, 2017


There's too much to type and I don't have the time or patience to get it all out.

In a nutshell:

Hi! I am still alive.

My ex D. is still controlling and hurting me, according to everyone and their fucking brother I am "allowing" it to happen. Well, fuck that, that simplifies everything. The situation is complex. We were together for awhile, our relationship was a horrific shit show, we aborted our fetus, the police were involved in our fights, we destroyed each other in every possible way. And maybe it was wishful thinking on my part that we could ever be civil. Maybe I went too far, hooking up with two of his friends. Well the one just died. And my ex blames me. Going as far as calling me a "murderer".

I am hurting, friends. I am hurting deeply. I am not a murderer. I made some bad decisions, yes. I am paying for them.

I admitted to using him to hurt D. That was my first mistake. Never ever admit how vengeful you are. Lesson learned.

This brings me to today, out of the blue I hear from D. via text. He's flipping out, calling me names, same as it ever was. I should have fucking blocked him but I didn't and he got to me. He ruined my mood, pushed me into a cave of depression, and talked so much shit about my guy Jeff I've been seeing that I was insecurely compelled to screenshot it and ask him about it. Which in turn hurt the fuck out of him. God is that all I do? Hurt people???

Needless to say Jeff didn't handle it well, do I blame him? If I had to read that much trash talk about me from his ex I would fucking die or lose my mind. He got mad, at me. And D. I am sick to my stomach over this.

I'm sure none of this makes sense. Too much time has gone by, I have distanced myself from you all and blogger. I have distanced myself from everyone. I didn't even tell my parents I went to Florida. I am a secretive bitch, currently drinking whiskey on the rocks, listening to Phish, and feeling this ache deep inside.

I can't fucking do this anymore.