well hello

well hello

Saturday, December 27, 2014

BIG news

I'm pregnant.(it's D.'s).
I have an abortion scheduled next friday.

PLEASE, if you have any tips or advice, let me know.


Happy New Year to me.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Holiday greetings

Happy Saturday! It's 11:30AM and I'm awake, drinking coffee. Tomorrow is the winter solstice. I am happy about this because I NEED more daylight hours. Been taking Vitamin D every day to attack the seasonal blues.

Less than a week to christmas and I haven't shopped, but I will, today. I was sick with a cold for like 9 days and still not 100%. The sickness coincided nicely with D. and I's latest breakup. My period is late. Only two days and it's probably stress.

I cut my hair again, a few inches and trimmed up the layers. It looks alright. Don't see myself going back to a hairdresser any time soon. Cutting it is too fun. Something about taking scissors to your self and trimming away excess.

Speaking of, at my last weighing (last sunday) I was 133. I've lost 17 pounds since Spring.

Without really trying. I guess the years of ednos thoughts became my reality and food is just nothing to me anymore. I just don't really care about food.

The only reason I eat is because I know I'm supposed to, and I should fuel my body.

Hence, the weight loss. All of my clothes are big. I feel good about it but as I've been saying since the beginning, I do not look sexy in baggy clothes.

Ugh. I am still in shock over the breakup. Like, is it really going to stick this time? Maybe.

In about two weeks he is leaving on a month long vacation through central America. It will be an ideal time for me to move on. Right now I still don't fully believe it. I'm trying to accept it though.

I changed my facebook to single, deleted his pics (most of them), and am telling everyone and myself that it's over.

The truth is that I never wanted it to be over. I cared for him very much. Our relationship had a  lot of struggles but sometimes it was truly perfect and we were so cute. The fights were out of control though. I take most of the blame for that, though he has many issues to be worked through in his life.

He made me happy, he made me sad, he made me mad. The sex was incredible and very satisfying. The rest, meh.

I have to be strong. It's time to be Sar again.

Love and peace.

Thursday, November 20, 2014


What is going on with reality? My life has stopped making sense. I am listening to Phish. My boyfriend is verbally abusive, immature, fragile, and doesn't trust me at all. In his words, he "trusts me not to give a fuck". Ouch.

My hands are cold. My stomach is nauseous. I've smoked half a pack of cigarettes after over a month without. I can't eat.

I can sleep but I keep getting interrupted by my downstairs neighbor who works until close at a bar (4am) then comes home loud, drunk, and usually with a dude. So I've been waking at dawn and being unable to fall back asleep some nights because of her ignorance.

It makes me want to move. Everything makes me want to move.

I have stopped writing, stopped practicing guitar, stopped caring about anything but the drama with my boyfriend. It's weird because I realize it but I do nothing to change. I'm comfortable using him as a distraction. It takes the focus off me and my loser life.

Alright, I'm not a loser but I am making $12/hour, socially awkward, and barely hang out with anyone anymore. I am for the most part ok with this. However I do see that in comparison to others I am lacking: cool hobbies, defined talents, money, material items, marriage, babies...the list goes on.

My hobby is reading. Nerd hobby.
My defined talent? Meh, hard worker? Good at giving head? Keeping plants and a cat (and myself) alive? God I am lame.

When I take a closer look at myself I see that I am shallow, self righteous, judgmental, temperamental. I see the bad.

I need to remember how to be the light, see the light, be at peace.
I need to start praying again. Or something.
I have become stuck. I want to be released.


I am looking quite thin. 5 foot 8 and 135 pounds. This is a good weight for me. My arms and legs look smaller. My ribs and hipbones stick out and I have a bony clavicle and defined cheekbones. I am unstable - smoking - eating a spoonful of crunchy peanut butter (just one, cannot swallow - thanks anxiety!). I need to end this post.


Tuesday, November 11, 2014


Where do I even start?

I just got back from San Antonio, Texas for a sweet business trip. Had my own hotel room and the opportunity to learn a lot, it was great. What I've always wanted.

D. and I ended up making it a "break". If break means talking every day all day. We haven't seen each other in over a week, since before my trip. He is making it pretty clear that he would like to see me. I am undecided. I am indifferent.

Things were messed up between us but the space hasn't exactly helped. I am open to seeing him but nervous that I'll mess up hardcore and hurt him.

I am doing ok. As ok as could be. Work is going well. Had fun in another state. I've kept the weight off, give or take a pound. Haven't weighed. Going to wait a couple weeks to weigh again, to make sure I'm maintaining.

I gave in and bought some pot. Blazing and being lazy tonight. Have a good one.


Monday, November 3, 2014


I'm down 14 pounds. Just broke up with D. Fuck my fucking life.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014


Oh you guys, why am I so lost and confused? After work (it was already dark) I grabbed my pepper spray and walked a couple blocks to a bar. I chugged two beers. Now I'm sitting here stressing and obsessing. The alcohol was supposed to help. I'm smoking, which is also supposed to help. Nothing helps.

I can't even break "the dealio" down into a nutshell, as much as I want to. Things with D. are as varied as ever. We have a solid week of goodness, and then a few awkward ass days and nights. He is going through a tough time. His cat ran away over a week ago and he took a nail to the head at work. I am needy as fuck and losing my shit over the space and distance he has placed between us. I try to understand that this is how he deals. Except...it doesn't quite work. I am not able to understand why he doesn't need me.

My hair is fucked. I hate my fucking hair.

I have largely ignored this blog because I've been obsessed with D. I fancied myself falling in love. The harsh reality is that it's too soon for that.

Music helps though. I do love music. Currently listening to Guster - Satellite.

Work is fine just not enough hours or money it seems. I am consistently broke and barely managing to pay all of my bills. I need work clothes and new glasses yesterday. I need to go to the dentist. I need to take my cat for a check up (it's been a couple years).

*heavy sigh*

It will all work out. Que sera sera.


Friday, September 26, 2014

I analyze

I was alone in the office yesterday so I weighed myself on the digital scale. I am officially down ten pounds since April (last time I was weighed for a physical). Unbelievably happy about that. I knew I had lost but I didn't know how much. *smiles*

My appetite has just been...gone. I know why too. Part of it is being so poor. I don't/can't spend a lot of money on food. When your shelves are stocked with canned goods and your fridge holds american cheese and bread and your freezer has frozen vegetables it's like what the fuck, I don't want any of this.

So I just...don't.

On the other hand is my roller coaster relationship. Yes, the fights have continued to the point of us almost ending it. Did I mention to you guys that I had been skipping therapy? Well, it affected me big time and I have spent the past couple weeks dumping so much shit on my man. Anger, jealousy, insecurity, etc.

Thankfully I realized I needed to see my therapist asap and went twice in the past week. I was able to analyze my *fucked up* behavior for two helpful hours. Can I apply what I learned? Time will tell.

Gotta believe in myself. This isn't my first rodeo. It feels like it though. I am all butterfingers and awkwardness. I am holding back and being inauthentic as a weak attempt to avoid vulnerability. The problem is, relationships require it. I am desperately afraid of putting my heart on the line. Afraid of what, you ask? Getting hurt. Lame, huh?

To break it down further, it seems that I avoid pain/discomfort. Hence, the heavy marijuana use and isolation from people who could potentially harm me.

The solution? Stay. In. Therapy. Do some thinking, walking, and drinking. Love myself. Trust D. with my heart. It'll either work out or it won't but if I don't get a handle on the fights I start then I will be alone for real.

PTSD is a motherfucker.

Think thin, loves.


Wednesday, September 17, 2014

The seventeenth

I'm the thinnest I've been in awhile. I don't know if it's the love, sex, or all the fighting. My appetite has changed. I no longer feel the need to binge, ever. Even on those rare occasions (period, bad feelings, drunk, etc) I've been able to hold back. It's a good thing.

I haven't weighed myself in ages. I have no clue how much I've lost but I'll say almost ten pounds.

Today: three peanut butter crackers. coffee. water.

My face is starting to look thinner and more defined. My boyfriend plays with my bones. Last night at the concert he was tap tap tapping on my hipbones while standing behind me and swaying to the music.

I have not confided in him about my ednos. If the opportunity comes up I may. However, as I mentioned briefly, we have been fighting. It's mostly me and the fucking ptsd/depression, pushing him away, saying stupid shit and regretting it instantly, etc. But he definitely throws it back.

I hope we can work it out.

Winter is coming, normally a time of eating and being lazy and gaining weight. Not this year. Not ever.

Peace, loves.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Rock me baby

Think I'm in love and the sex is out of this world amazing.
Feeling thinner than ever.
Life is good.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014


Tomorrow is my birthday. Not surprisingly, I am depressed.

Things with D. have been going so well. I am currently telling him I don't want to see him tomorrow and he is understandably confused.

It's times like this, when I've sunk down so low, that I really and truly despise myself. I give in to this shit and feel unable to shove my way out.

I was scheduled for therapy this morning, my usual Wednesday. Guess what I did...completely blew it off. Didn't call, didn't show. I've been kicking myself all day. I feel so guilty. In my mind is a major red flag. I wouldn't go discuss some of the feelings I've had lately. I refused. This is not good.

The truth is that she's getting too close. I am amazed by my subconscious and how it works. I am trying to push her away. It is hurting me to do this. My therapist didn't do anything wrong but I punished her.

I feel psychotic.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Could this be love?

Sooo in an awesomely unexpected turn of events, me and tinder guy are "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend. We had the "talk" last night, after an amazing, day-long date. He brought it up.

I know, I know. You're like..but Sar, weren't you guys fighting? Well yeah, but I have ptsd and fight with everyone. He is the first guy in FOREVER I've trusted enough to talk about it with.

Last weekend was a game changer for us. After the fight I believe I blogged about (which wasn't so much a fight, but a texted miscommunication) I took matters into my own hands. I went over there and we talked and just held each other. It was such a nice closeness.

Bringing it back to the present, yesterday he came here and we went to the art festival, then an hour long walk down this long ass pier in my city, then back to my place for cuddles and talking, then dinner, then a drink, then back to my place. *swoons* We were making out and it was getting hot and of course I'm on my period so no sex. I did see his dick and. it's. HUGE.

Oh my god. Is this real?????

He said, are you my girlfriend? I went mute haha. But yeah, so that's what's up.
We just click. We have great chemistry. We laugh. We hold hands. We have fun. This is a breath of fresh fucking air.


Today is Sunday. I just woke up. We are hanging out again!!! :-) I am having some coffee and then getting ready and going there for some canoeing and then a free show by his place!!

I couldn't even sleep last night. I couldn't eat yesterday. I starved all day. On purpose, duh. I have been keeping my weight in check and losing a little. He thinks my body is perfect. He literally said that.

For blog purposes I must give him a name. I can't keep calling him tinder guy. OK. From here on out, he is D.


I'm on cloud 9.

Welcome, new follower!! And thanks for the comment.


Sunday, August 17, 2014

Unspeakably depressed

I'm not sure how everything got so messed up. Things with tinder guy have boiled over. We fight way too much. Can you believe that? We've been talking for a month, chilled twice, yet we...fight? Too much, too soon, and it's sad. I was really feeling it for him but we clearly bring out each other's nasty sides. Needless to say, we did not get together thursday as planned. It's a long ass story. Blame it on me.

I had a tough week. That is, I had a good week on the surface, but mentally I was a mess. The other day I woke from a flashback nightmare about the fire. I jumped up out of bed, literally gasping for air, clutching my chest. My heart was FLYING. I could not calm down. It was terrifying. It started my weekend off on an incredibly unstable note. I smoked to dull the pain. I ate a bunch of shit. I grew depressed as the hours passed.

I am pathetic still. I see and feel myself pushing everyone away, just everyone. Door shutting over my face and locking. Guard up, intact, impenetrable. I can't seem to change this. Maybe I don't really want to.

I hate this.


Monday, August 11, 2014

Compared to the morbidly obese, you are thin

Why did I just binge the weekend away? Oh right, I'm unnaturally obsessed with stalking tinder guy. I added him to a 'close friends' list on facebook. Now I can see his every (public) move. My day hinges on that. Did he become "friends" with girls? Check yes and binge on burrito. Did he add pictures of girls? Check yes and binge on devil's food cookies.

I am DISGUSTING and PATHETIC and I HATE myself for allowing my self worth to depend upon his social media moves/amount of communication with me.

He's not a terrible person, guys. He's one of those people who constantly adds stuff/updates his page. I am not like this. He is my opposite astrologically as well.

We have chilled twice. He gave me flowers. We have plans this week. I think he's just very popular, with both sexes. Again, this is the opposite of me. I do not have many friends.

He's 33 but I don't know if he's looking for a relationship. I do know he has a five week trip to South America coming up this winter. So wherever our relationship is at that point...well I'll cross that road when I get there. Needless to say...I am confused.

But yes, sadly, it was a binge weekend. I can't blame tinder guy completely. I blame myself for being weak, addicted, insecure. I am so addicted to weed. I told my therapist I wouldn't smoke every day. I told her I wouldn't smoke on the nights before work. I'm a big fat liar. Ever since I bought the bag (ended up getting eighth off J for $40 not $60 haha) I've been on a blazing bender.

Deep breaths. All is not lost. I took a 90 minute sweaty walk yesterday morning, which was much needed. Didn't clear the old head, though. The only thing that will clear my head at this point is abstaining from drugs for days. Not sure if I'm up for that challenge.

I need to be STRONGER. Where has my discipline gone?? I went to the dollar store, of all places, for cat litter last night and of course I bought a bag of candy. SO SAD.

I woke up this morning feeling restless, uncomfortable in my skin, and in a bad mood. It is the start of a new week and I cannot feel like this a moment longer. A plan, Sar, you need a plan/purpose/refocus.

Without further ado:

I am going to CHILL THE FUCK OUT. Tinder guy and I are still talking. He hasn't given me a direct reason not to trust him. My thoughts are coming only from my interpretation of his facebook. I believe he is a good person who is not trying to fuck with me.

I am going to RESTRICT today and eat HEALTHY for the rest of the week. I have food here so NO store visits.

I am going to continue getting to sleep at a decent hour because it really helps me on these early mornings.


I actually got a lot done this weekend, despite the binges. I made some important calls, deposited checks in bank, paid some bills, did some organizing/cleaning.

You are not a perfect person Sarah. That is ok though. You are human, finite, and beautiful. Compared to the morbidly obese, you are thin. You have plans this week. You have a life. You will be ok.


Saturday, July 26, 2014

What would Lana do?

I need to get this down. I met a guy on tinder, of all places. We have a similar circle of friends. I like him already but we have never met. We were going to tonight but there was some miscommunication and plans shifted and it got really late. So I'm sitting here drinking alone.

The new job is going well. I "called in" to my other part time job this evening (actually emailed) because I was so keyed up and nervous about meeting him. I don't think it was a good idea to not work because I need the money desperately and my landlord called tonight for rent. He sounded angry. Shit.

My thoughts are scattered. I'm going to chug this beer. Guess I can't write after all.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Mind time traveling

Sitting here close to midnight alone and contemplative. Tomorrow is the first day of my new job. Why do I feel scared to wake up so early? It's like I don't think I can handle waking at the crack of dawn, just because it's been awhile and I'm up late. My fears befuddle me.

I will get up and go, start this new chapter with a smile and ambition. I can do this. I can stick this out. I can commit.

I have changed jobs so many times. I have had a million first days.

Keeping my part time job for as long as I can to catch up financially. I plan to save some money and take a weekend trip as soon as possible. I have Fridays off at my new job, plus the weekend obviously. Sucks for money purposes (hence why I'm keeping second job) but it's AWESOME. Who am I kidding?

I don't mind working two jobs for a bit longer. Staying busy keeps me less dependent upon the attention of boys. Not talking really to anyone at the moment. You know how it changes fast though...

I feel like I ate a lot today. I am too grossed out to list it all. I didn't binge, just ate a little too much and I want to walk for ten miles but it's night and I am not walking alone in this city after dark. Excuses?

I'll make up for it tomorrow, I promise. I will restrict during the day (at work) and at night I'll stay strong. Let my eyes linger on the prize.

I did some cleaning today and took myself shopping. I haven't been clothes shopping in months. I bought four shirts on a store charge card. The total was about $60. No, I should not have spent the money but they were on sale and are all work-wearable and guess what chicken butt - it was needed. I'm working in a ritzier suburban area and need to dress the part want to fit in. I'll pay it off next month.

Rewinding time to Saturday night...I went to my neighbor's and partied it up. Wine, weed, blow. Just a little bit. I know, I'm bad. Needless to say I was up until about 6:30AM and could not sleep in. I forgot how it effects me. I was tired all day and today as well.

Smoking gave me a jolt and my nerves are back for tomorrow. Deep breath. I can do this. I know I can. I love a challenge! I long for work and a paycheck. I have accomplished my goal! I have successfully bounced out of underemployment. I saved myself! I will no longer be broke. I will have a routine. I will discover new parts of myself. I will not gain weight. I will maintain or lose...there's really no other acceptable option.

Everything I tried on today fit. I did not have to exchange sizes. It felt good to feel sort of thin. Must stay strong.

Gotta finish this pipe and hit the hay. Going to take on tomorrow with confidence. Have a great day!!


Sunday, July 20, 2014


Drunk. Still not high, never bought that eighth. It's two AM. I might be going to my neighbors to smoke, I hope!!

It's crazy how long it's been since I've bought pot. I just haven't had the cash. Well no more, bitches. This girl got a job. And soon I will reap the harvest.

Listening to Lana Del Ray. Was watching "Flight" starring the AMAZING Denzel Washington. That movie got me alllll shook up so I am taking a break from it.

Life is pretty damn good, folks. No love interests, but had a nice time with family lately. Also, woohoo, the job. Starting this week. And you know what...I feel pretty sometimes. Not really today, I feel greasy and bloated because I ate today (kind of alot) and my period is coming in a few days.

Drinking wine. Smoking my ciggies in my apartment.

I guess I don't have too much more to say. Lol. I hope you're all having a cool weekend.


Saturday, July 19, 2014

Great news...

I got the job!!

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Trying not to lose it

Good god, I hate waiting!!!!!!!!!!!

I had an interview for this receptionist position last thursday. They called me for a second interview, which I went to yesterday. I thought it went well! They called me to say I'm "at the top of the list but they have a couple more interviews to get through". They said they would call me today! I have been hugging my phone all damn day. I am trying not to lose faith! They're going to call, they're going to call, they're going to call, they're going to call and offer me the job.

I need this job so fucking bad. And I want it! It seems like a great fit for me!


In other news, I've been chatting with J. again. Not ex-bf J. Don't get THAT twisted. This J. is a friend of friends and we've met twice but messaged a lot. Last wednesday we all went to a sweet jazz concert and him and I (and his buddy from out of town) went to a club afterward and danced our asses off. I totally hit on him. Nothing happened, but we had a great time. He is my newest "challenge". I want to sleep with him and maybe more because why not? Jake is history. M. is spacey as hell albeit a tad consistent, which is cute. C. is just a friend. I activated Tinder on my phone too. This girl is looking for love, fun, and frolicking.

Currently 1PM, sipping my coffee, listening to Whitney Houston. Waiting for my phone to ring with a job offer. IT WILL HAPPEN!

Therapy at 3. Work at 5. God I can't even think.

I haven't bought pot in ages. Just been smoking resin or having someone smoke me up. J. is trying to sell me an eighth tonight for $60, an outlandish price! I might pay it just to have a chance to see him. Or, fuck it, I won't bother and let him be challenged.

I really can't deal with this shit right now. I need to take a walk.


Friday, July 11, 2014

And now I just sit in silence

It's amazing how stable I feel this week. Just writing that scares the hell out of me because we all know that things change fast. I had my usual therapy tuesday which is really going swimmingly. I'm kind of in love with her actually. Not love just an incredible dependence and appreciation. She is so smart. What we are currently working on is me learning to differentiate between thoughts and emotions. Impossible. But I'm going to keep trying.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Positive conclusions despite the darkness

Well, that didn't last long. I deleted the link off my Twitter bio. I'm not ready for that yet, apparently. I'm feeling guarded. Which I'm sure is a direct result of Jake completely blowing me off last night. Yep. Here's what happened:

As you know we had made tentative plans to watch the fireworks together. I say tentative because no actual physical plans were made, he just said he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant that we would be seeing each other.

Yesterday I was trying my best to be cool and carefree. Not knowing what time or any other details was definitely driving me crazy. I like to plan things a little. I was going out of my way to stay relaxed, to trust that it would all work. I took a long ass walk, a couple miles, all the while talking to myself, telling myself it's fine.

While I was out walking he texted me that he "should be home around 8:30". That's it, no other information. My blood immediately boiled. Apparently he was out of town at his roommate's parent's house. After considering the best way to cover my ass I sent him a text asking if he was thinking of staying out there and if so let me know so I can make other plans. Because 8:30 ish is kind of late for the fourth.

He responded with a vague "I'm not missing the fireworks but logistically it might be better for you to make other plans and we could meet later". Logistically my ass.

At this point I had a feeling of doom in my stomach so I bought a pack of cigarettes at the gas station with my credit card (bad!). Thankfully I did have somewhere else to go, my new friend/coworker Denise had invited me over.

I texted Jake back "I see" for him to interpret however the fuck he wanted. Then I showered and had a glass of wine. I put on a beautifully patriotic outfit, looked myself in the eye in the mirror and felt pretty, said to myself, "he's a fool", hopped in the car and drove 25 minutes to her townhouse in the suburbs.

There were four of us: two guys and two girls. Always a good mix. Her boyfriend shot off a bunch of fireworks in the street and we enjoyed the show their neighbor put on! There were fireworks in every direction it was actually really nice. The other dude was def hot.

But in my heart and maybe in my head I was feeling vulnerable and defensive. I talked more to Denise and her boyfriend then the other guy. We were drinking and smoking weed and cigarettes a lot, me on a completely empty stomach. The drunker I got (we were drinking whiskey with full fat cola) (I cringe when I consider the calories), the more I wanted him to hit on me and for us to hook up. Nothing at all happened and I passed out on the couch, alone.

I woke up at 6AM cold and alone. I drove my fat ass to mcdonalds and bought a egg and cheese biscuit and a hashbrown. I ate in my car while exhausted and still drunk. It sobered me just barely enough to drive down the center of the highway with tunnel vision. I stumbled up the steps of my apartment, put on pjs and thought I would get sick. I didn't, and fell back asleep.

I feel shame about buying fast food. I should've known better than to drink whiskey on an empty stomach. I hate doing that. I just needed not to feel.

At some point in the middle of the night last night I texted Jake asking where he ended up. He responded that he fell asleep and missed the fireworks. I have no idea absolutely no clue if this is the truth. He has no reason to lie. But seriously, if you didn't plan to see me why the hell would you ask to? Or if your plans changed why couldn't you just tell me? I'm so confused by him. Why can't he be real with me!?

So of course this afternoon when I woke up wide awake and remembering the events of the past twenty four hours I had to text him. I sent him one of my famous mean texts. I held back, a little, because I'm trying to be more aware of what I say in anger. I tend to regret it later.

I said: Thank god I didn't stick around waiting for you. Don't say you want to see me and then blow me off..especially on a holiday? You're not even a friend, you're untrustworthy."

Harsh. Reading it again to copy it verbatim from my phone, I can feel the frustration. It has been an hour and a half and he has not responded.

It's fine. Probably for the best. We are both pushing each other away, that's how it feels. We have a great time together and then one or both freaks out and reclaims mad distance until the other is forced to form fucked up conclusions. And of course it all happens over text, the shittiest form of communication there ever was.

It's sad. On the bright side, I did have fun last night. I like having a new friend. It was cool to be out in the 'burbs because I'm a city girl now. There was a lot of air, a lot of wide open space. Trees, nicely paved roads. It was a good time and I'm glad I went. I made the best of a bad situation and sometimes that's all you can do.

As for Jake...well sucks to be him. He missed out. I have no clue if he'll respond to my message and he really doesn't even need to. Unless it's an apology. Or he could just...pick up the phone and call.

I'm trying so hard not to feel bitter.

This turned into a really long post. I wonder if you're still reading? Loneliness is a terrible thing. Good thing I like myself lately. Sometimes I'm ok. Therapy is helping.

Have a groovy weekend.


Friday, July 4, 2014

An experiment

Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans! I slept for twelve hours last night...LIKE A BOSS. Haha, kidding - I'm lazy as hell. Why get up out of bed when you have no place to be, no one to talk to, and no low ambition?

It's almost three in the afternoon and I'm sitting here in my pajamas playing around online and sipping some hot coffee. I decided to go for it, by the way. I am putting myself out there with no way to ever reclaim anonymity. I have placed a link to THIS BLOG on my Twitter. Bold, right?

I'm definitely not a coward. You want to read about my life, lust, and substance abuse? Go right ahead. Judge me. Just comment and click on the ads and we're golden.

It's been a chill week. I've been off work. I've been toking and talking to people. I decided not to keep my ball in one court regarding Jake. He is great but he sometimes gets a little quiet on me. Triggers my suspicions. Therefore, I'm branching out. Currently chatting with this dude J. I mentioned back in May. We never hooked up but he's hot so I would.

Jake and I are supposed to watch fireworks tonight. He said, and I quote, that he "doesn't care where he just wants to watch them with me". Soo...we shall see how this goes! Of course I said yes, but he's been aloof the past two days. I guess I should be glad that he thought to lock down plans with me in advance. I'm actually a tad annoyed. He got his answer and then bam, no more work to do...or so he thinks!

Men! What is it about them?

I've made it my goal to apply for at least one job per day. This holiday weekend is screwing with my success. People are out of the office when I need them there reviewing my resume, calling, interviewing, and hiring me! Needless to say no luck...yet. I promise I'll have good news soon.

Patience is a virtue.

You know what.

I'm not in the writing mood.


Ps: A helpful infographic for tonight:

Monday, June 30, 2014

Shades of cool

The last day of June, oh man oh my! I'll start by saying that I had an incredible weekend. Truly good. I love when that happens. Good things both nights.

Jake and I had a great time Saturday night. We took a cab down to this art installation/festival by the water. It was soo hot out and he made us both a cold icy mixed drink for the ride down. He is friends with the cab driver.

We pretty much immediately "cleared the air". I mentioned to you guys that it was most likely over with him because of thoughts I'd been having. He told me that he thought I never wanted to see him again and the day I texted him to take a walk he was en route to his parent's house a couple hours away. He seemed sincere.

Of course it was difficult for me to open up and be honest but I really needed to try. I told him the best version of the truth that I could come up with on the spot. What is the truth, you ask? Well...I assumed in my head that he wasn't interested because he wasn't meeting my stretched out expectations. There was a few awkward text exchanges that contributed to my assumption.

How do you tell a guy that you have expectations he can never meet?

You don't, and you can't, so you lie.

I blamed myself. I told him I was just confused and sometimes I get mad easily but I don't hold a grudge. There is absolutely truth to that but I believe at this point it's best for me to hold back a little.

So the night continued. We explored, danced, talked. He kept trying to touch me lightly on my arm or lower back but I stayed a little aloof, never letting him linger. Afterward we walked to a bar and had a beer. It was still so hot so we drank it fast out on the patio we had to ourselves. When people came out we left. We walked in the general direction of our houses even though they were miles away. We made it downtown and all the while everything had an adventurous feel to it.

We hit up another bar (we agreed that we felt sober from all the walking lol) and grabbed a cab a few blocks more. He bought us slices of pizza (plain cheese for me) and we walked about a half mile to his porch where we sat on rocking chairs and ate and talked some more.

He walked me to my door and we started kissing. It felt different then before but I would still describe it as passionate. It felt more intimate, with our foreheads grazing each other. Of course it turned super hot and I could've fucked him then and there. But I didn't. It was nearly 5AM and I went inside.

A fantastic night with the added bonus of exercise.

I do like him, you guys. It's scary to even admit it. Because when you admit it, it's there, it's not hidden anymore. The pursuit of love is a risk.

Seriously though, he's a great guy. He's interesting to talk to, generous, funny, attractive, patient, and so easygoing. I feel that we complement each other. I feel that we have been talking for over a month and I want this to keep going. This is where I remind myself not to freak out.

*deep breath*

I will focus on finding a job and not giving into the enticingly evil and eventual expectations that may creep up.

It's the last day of the month and I still haven't paid rent. I have a check that I will deposit and then there will be just enough. Work tonight. Must find another job. Keep your fingers crossed.


Saturday, June 28, 2014


Last night was awesome. Here's a rundown: Earlier in the week I had convinced my coworker to accompany me to a bar where three bands were playing including M's. We came to my place after work to blaze and I changed my outfit. We took a quick walk to the store so I could buy ciggies (bad Sar). Then we drove separate cars to a bar on the freaking east side. M's band was playing on the patio when we walked in. I love making eye contact with him while he sings.

The set finished. We drank overpriced Blue Moons with dirty oranges. We chatted then she wanted to leave. She has recently lost 30 pounds and is seeing a personal trainer Saturday mornings. We talk about weight loss a lot. We went out to her car for a quick "session" and then she drove off and I was alone. I went back inside since I paid a cover to get in, there were two bands left, and M. was floating around somewhere.

I grabbed a beer and stood by myself in the crowd of unfamiliar faces, swaying to the beat. At some point M. came over to me to shoot the shit but I found myself feeling aloof and wandering off outside. I made a few friends with some dudes smoking a bowl on the patio. The third band started so I went back in. They killed it! I was having a lot of fun dancing by myself but becoming more aware of the fact that I was alone and there were a couple randoms from college (also there for M's band) making me feel a little awkward but I kept my confidence and switched to drinking water.

The best part of the night is when M. and I made our way over to each other again for a quick private convo. We kept asking how each other was and how each other's night was going. Then the third band called him onstage to jam. Our eyes linked while the photographer was snapping his picture. It was a moment. They finished up and I left, having sobered up besides the pot, and I drove safely home.

I immediately stripped off my clothes, laid naked on my bed (still spending a lot of time naked), and texted M. and Jake (since I had seen his light on). Jake and I ended up having this hour long flirty and open text conversation. He told me that he thought I didn't want to see him again. I told him that I wanted to crawl into bed with him. So now, we're hanging out tonight after I get out of work.

Well, supposedly, Do plans made at 3AM still count? Hope so. I have to be at work in a hour and I haven't even showered but I'm about to. I just had to get this down. I loved last night. I loved doing something new with someone new. I loved that she left and I stayed, alone, at the bar. I love that M. and I are so cool. I love that I am the type of person who likes to make friends with strangers. I love freedom.

I love life, sometimes.

Today - baby carrots/hummus. whole grain melba crackers. spinach salad with parm cheese and italian dressing. 1 slice whole wheat bread with 1 slice pepper jack cheese. banana. 2 slices watermelon. coffee.

Pretty fucking healthy and that will be it for the day. Maybe drinks later.
Peace, loves.



Thursday, June 26, 2014

Am I wrong?

Today was the last day of school. I am officially working one part time job at 12 hours a week. I'm done being scared. Bring on the uncertainty.

Men, they come and go. Life is a series of people leaving. You know what this means...after a great date last week things with Jake have officially fizzled. Like I knew they would. Sucks being right.

Am I wrong? Could be. He could still care. I don't know, we held hands last week. We kissed rather passionately. We talked. Now it's me initiating text convos and him asking me to hang at midnight. I'm not your midnight booty call!!!! Today I asked him to take a walk around one in the afternoon. His answer was no, maybe later. I responded with "forget it!".

Over it. Trying anyway.

There's always music thank god. I'm obsessed with music.

Feeling thin today. The stress of being poor and heartbroken kill my appetite every time. Sadness is my muse. I've been writing more poetry.

The day looms ahead, long and frightening in it's unpredictability. So I'm going home. I will bring laundry. I will chat with my dad and mom and brother. I will hopefully get some money from them.

My body hurts. I'm hungry, haven't ate a thing today. Can't though. Why fucking bother.

Have a great day loves.
Listen to this?



Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Concert date tonight

Hello all. I'm in a decent mood - going to see the Arctic Monkeys with Jake this evening! He is driving! It's a date! I'm not sweating it though, just being cool. calm. collected. Until we start drinking, anyway.

Currently sipping some hot tea and sitting here typing naked. I've been spending a lot of time in the nude. Not sexy time unfortunately, it's just because the weather has been hot. The more time I spend naked the more I am able to focus on not overeating. Try it?

I am getting my "allergic to the sun" rash on my arms and forehead again, which blows, but deep breathing and cool showers seem to help.

Still no full time job, still working two part times and have two temp agencies looking for me. I'm trying. Maybe next time I write some shit will have changed.

Got to get ready, I want to be looking my best! He is so cute, he went to the store for ice, beer, and snacks and asked if I wanted anything. What he doesn't realize is that I don't plan to eat a thing. I told him "lemon warheads" (sour candy for those not in the states).

Today I ate: coffee (black). leaf lettuce and spinach salad with a bit of chopped up avocado, grated parm cheese, and light italian dressing. two slice of whole wheat bread with mustard, more chopped up avocado, and one slice of cheese. Filling and satisfying. Calories for the day are below 500. The beer tonight will bring me up into the thousands I'm assuming. I'll be strong though.

Think thin!
Love, Sar

Tuesday, June 10, 2014


Everything changes all the time. Whenever I go to write in this blog I realize that so much has happened it's impossible to put it all down in a few paragraphs. So I don't bother.

I'll leap into last night. M. asked me to chill and I went over there. It was groovy. We were doing lots of laughing and then we made out. He actually has me kinda hooked still.

Then I drove home and texted Jake. We went for a long walk. And...kissed. Not quite a make out sesh. He was super shy and actually shaking.

I kissed two guys in one night and that was not the first time in my life. I think it's normal to hook up with a few people at the same time when you're single.

In comparing the two, I prefer M. tenfold. There is just so much more chemistry.

Jake and I are friends but that's it.

I had therapy today, tuesdays every week. It's been going good. My therapist, Shannon, is a smart lady. I appreciate her guidance.

I've had such an insane craving for bbq sauce. I actually bought some today. Also vegetarian "chicken" nuggets to dunk in the bbq sauce. I had one serving (300 calories) with lots of bbq sauce. I have no idea why this craving is here but it's not gone yet.

New neighbor downstairs with loud ass barking dogs. At least two. Haven't met her yet. Already planning to move because I'm so annoyed by them.

As soon as I get a job.

Have a great day.
xx S

Saturday, June 7, 2014


A familiar heartbreak I haven't felt in weeks. It's twofold this time. Here's why:

C. and I had been taking a break, not talking or hanging out, under the guise of "perspective". Last night after work I bought two beers and a pack of cigarettes. I decided I wanted to get messed up. The beers were 22oz. I drank one and then texted C. to see if he wanted to join me. I went over there and we were alone for the first time in awhile. He sat there in silence. I attempted intellectual conversation. He asked to smoke and I provided. He played music and I sang along while he sat in silence. Getting the pattern? He is boring. I was getting drunk so I made the executive decision to put the moves on him.

I slid closer to him on the couch, he didn't move. I faced him and began running my hands over his body and saying sultry things like, "wanna have some fun?". His reaction? A boner and "I don't want a commitment." Uh, me neither. I was trying to lighten the mood. I tried to kiss him he gave me the cheek. Mortified, I turned to leave. We texted after I was home. I was upset for awhile but seeing him last night was like the final act of our play.

I am no longer interested in the slightest. I RARELY make the first move. I tried because of our history, because the moment maybe called for it, and because I was drunk and felt like having an adventure. He essentially rejected me. So...if we're not friends, and we're not fuck buddies, then we're nothing. And I'm ok with it, finally. Last night I was bored by his company. Last night I was reminded of how toxic he is. The only thing he even talked about was tripping on mushrooms last weekend. He is a dead end.

I mentioned that my heartbreak is twofold. Partly because of C. And partly because of Jake. As I mentioned, him and I have been talking for the past few weeks. A lot. I thought things were progressing nicely. Until yesterday. He and I were texting about getting together. All of a sudden he was being really unclear, saying he wasn't sure what was going on because some friends were coming into town. So I said something back via text that he didn't like. I said, "I'll make it easy for you - forget it, I'll make other plans." It was a moment of defiance. I was getting ready for work and just wanted to know if we were hanging or not, like he said we were. And...I haven't heard anything back since. I even texted him again later last night apologizing if I offended him. Still nothing.

Which brings me to today. I'm hungover from drinking on an empty stomach. I have nothing here to eat except for some random canned goods. I had my last potato this morning, stir fried breakfast-style with a little olive oil and garlic powder. Served with hot sauce. Also coffee. Needless to say I'm so hungry it's making me tired. I will spend a few dollars tonight after work on something. I have to get something in this house. I'm just so damn broke. Maybe tortillas and frozen mixed vegetables. It shouldn't cost too much.

My bank account hasn't been this low in a long time. It's getting scary. I just paid $318 for a traffic ticket which realllyyy hurt me this month. I can't pay any bills at all for a few weeks and they're all coming up being due next week. FML. Probably asking my parents for some money again. *sigh*

I have to get ready for work. I'm not doing anything tonight. Peace.


Sunday, June 1, 2014

Hello June!

It's a new month and I'm another day wiser. I'm about to get really superficial but you know I keep it real. I'm feeling good about myself, my looks, and my weight. I went to a house party the other night and weighed myself secretly upstairs in the bathroom on the digital scale. I'm down five pounds since the last time I weighed in. I feel really happy about that! The number could be even lower considering at that point in the night my stomach was full of alcohol!

Last night I went to a sweet show with a sweet guy. At one point I caught my reflection in the mirror and felt beautiful. It felt so rare; I'm cherishing it. I wore a really cute dress and felt very confident in it. I've been cutting my own hair and it's growing out really nicely. My face looks way better when I'm thinner. Seriously dropping those few pounds gave my face a chiseled glow that I appreciate and crave to keep.

The plan is to keep it up. Restricting just a little to feel the pleasure of the burn.

I'm high on life.
It has been a great weekend.


Saturday, May 31, 2014


Going out drinking two days in a row is a good way to get a beer belly. Even if you starve yourself before drinking, the beer sticks to your stomach and inflates it disgustingly. I hate beer but I'm drinking one now to pregame. Going to a show with Jake. We've been talking every day. Should be an interesting night.

xo - Sar

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Ever been to Oslo?

I'm feeling quite thin today. It had to be noted. See Sar, you are not a fat failure all the time! The only good thing about stress is lack of appetite. I literally cannot binge when I'm stressed. It's just not fun.

Yesterday: bagel (breakfast), salad (lunch), wine (dinner).
Today: tortilla (90 cal) and carrots w/hummus (90 cal). This was brunch.

Plus coffee, obviously.

I don't feel hunger, just hipbones.

OH! I tried on my bikini yesterday for the hell of it. It's an old one, I've had it for about three years, but it's still cute and not faded or anything. Anywho it looked pretty damn good on me. I must say, for a 27 year old. I will not be embarrassed on the beach or by the pool, I will be confident. Righteous!

I'm going to finish a couple of chores. get ready, gas up the vehicle, and hit the road for my day drive. It's a nice sunny day and I'm feeling alright with the world. Later!


Saturday, May 24, 2014

Shine bright like a diamond

Yesterday I wrote a poem for the first time in months. I'm not going to share it here but I just reread it and think it's pretty good.

Today is alright, better than most. I slept decent. The sun is out. I took myself to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast (had a gift card to use) and it was tasty. "Stole" a bunch of napkins (because I'm poor). Returned a sweater to Target because I didn't really like it and needed the money back in my account. Bumped into my two girlfriends at the store which was cool.

Now I'm finishing my coffee and about to shower. Work tonight. Off work completely Sunday and Monday which is groovy. I plan to take a little drive and clear my thoughts, possibly down to my old college town (about an hour away). I need it! My mind is muddled. My mind's eye is blurry. My mind's voice is lost in translation.

I sometimes shake my head, as if to clear it, but the numb murkiness remains. So the plan is to drive, completely sober, and let my thoughts wander. I need to figure out a job plan. I truly believe that I will not find something I like until I know what exactly it is that I'm looking for. Sounds cliche but it's true for me right now.

I'll probably stop at the waterfront. Scratch that, I WILL stop at the waterfront. I love water. I love lakes. I love the peace I feel being near nature. The sound of the waves and wind. The sand and driftwood. The sun!

Have a great rest of your weekend =)
Love, Sar

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Get real

I've been on a depressive low. Had an interview yesterday set up through the temp agency which I bombed. My facial skin is still itching like crazy. Not sure if it's nerves or something more. Too scared to find out for certain. I didn't eat at all yesterday and then went out drinking. I ordered two vodka shots right off the bat and a beer. Downed it all asap. Ordered another beer. It was a nice buzz. But then I came home and ate.

I had a salad (90), french fries (500), a granola bar (180), fruit snacks (70), chips (200) and dip (150). Like a fat ass.

Which brings me to today. It's early, I'm pmsing, and I need to get to work. Still only working part time and money worries loom over me and weigh upon my neck. I'm drinking my coffee black again to save calories and money on cream. I feel so fat you guys but I just can't tell if I am or not. It SUCKs.

I know realistically that this is the most I've ever weighed. I can wear all of my size 6 jeans but I'd prefer them to be looser. The best part of this time of year is skirts and dresses, which make me feel pretty (usually). I haven't been exercising much. The poor person diet shall suffice for now.

I go back and forth with wanting to buy a scale constantly. I just can't do that to myself though. It's unnecessary torture.

No action lately, not since M. tried to kiss me two weeks ago or so. Haven't heard from him since.

Every time C. and I talk we fight so we decided yesterday we are no longer friends. He cried. I thought about death.

My other neighbor Jake has been coming around a lot. He's younger but he's alright. Who knows.

Other than that, I'm as single as ever. Which is fine actually. There's a lot of eye candy out there and I cannot be tied down. I don't want to be tied down.

I guess that's enough for today. Peace.


Saturday, May 10, 2014

Weird though

I haven't had anything to eat in twenty five hours. The weird thing is, I felt really fat last night. I tried on a million outfits, staring each time at my stomach and deciding I look unacceptable.

I've been good lately...no sweets, no binging. But I look at my stomach and just see layers of fat. It's confusing and stressful. I know my stomach is empty but that's not good enough. I want it to *look* empty.

But I must be doing something right... I went out last night with a guy "friend" Jake (are they ever really friends?) who kindly paid for my cover admission and drinks at a show (thank god because I'm broke). M. was there. His band played an acoustic set, which rocked, and there were two other really great bands!!! My fav.

It was super hot. I was wearing a tank top and a skirt and sandals. Everyone was sweating and dancing and drinking fast to cool down.

After the set, I drunkenly asked M. to come over and blaze. He called me as we were walking home. Jake is actually my neighbor. We live a few blocks from the bar. I answered the phone and M. was like, "I'm here". Jake and I were about twenty feet away at that point. The three of us had an awkward conversation where I invited Jake to join and he said no and then M. and I went inside without a look back.

We smoked, we talked, we laughed. I was wasted and stoned and avoiding emotional topics, which M. *will* get into. He tried to kiss me I looked away. He tried again and I kissed him back. I mean, guys, he's fucking hot. He's in a band. We all know I have a weakness for boys in bands.

It was great for a minute, and then I got the spins. I pushed him away and said some dumb thing about how I wasn't sure about it. I couldn't even tell the truth, which was that I was way too messed up to hook up. I'm embarrassed to admit it even to myself.

Next thing I know we are "going to bed". Him on the couch. At this point I obnoxiously went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and everything else that I like to do before bed while blatantly ignoring him. I got in bed, alone, wanting to go to him, wanting him to come to me, but then I passed out.

I woke to the sound of him going to the bathroom. I pretended to be asleep. I heard the jingle of his keys off the table and the door open and shut and he was gone. Not a word said to me.

I waited a little bit while trying to fall back asleep and then called him! Lol. He didn't answer. Then he sent me a text saying he wanted to be in his own bed, thanks for the couch. Perfectly understandable.

Weird though.


Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Hang on to your ego

I feel like I'm never warm. My hands get so cold they start to hurt. I've been curling up into a little ball while I sleep at night only to wake to a stiff spine. I long for strong arms wrapped around me.

I'm off today. No school for the kids means no work for me. It's 1PM and I'm sitting here in my pajamas sipping tea. I have been struggling the past few days with stress. I told my therapist I wouldn't buy weed (well I said that I'd try) and on Sunday I gave in. It was a significantly less amount than usual. Really it's just a little taste to hold me over until...today? Just ran out.

A familiar panic sets in. Smoking is the most complicated relationship I have right now, the biggest time suck currently, my lover and my master. I love it. I love the smell, the taste, the buzz. And I hate it. I hate how it holds me back, how I hate myself for giving in to it, how much money I've spent on it over the years. 

It is my crucifix. I carry it everywhere and prop it up when I'm ready to stop and die a little. 

Oh, and it's not just the grass. Drinking has become a bit of an issue as well. Mostly because I don't know how or when to stop and end up blitzed, saying shit the very next day I wish I didn't. It sucks. 

Last Saturday I went to a sweet show, I love live music. I was drinking, of course, and then J. showed up. J. is a friend of a friend. We have met once before and kinda swing in the same circle. We had also been doing some friendly facebook messaging. 

I was already drunk when he got there. I was also high. I was in another world, living in another time. Anyway, he shows up and I say hi and run outside. I mean, run. I lit up a cigarette and talked to a self-proclaimed "reiki-master" who told me I have nothing to fear but fear itself - a cliche I hate.

I appreciated the alternate perspective though, so I went back in to talk to him. We flirted a bit, had some fun with our group and then it gets to be closing time and hey why not? let's head back to my place! It wasn't just us two. Two other friends came as well. And it was fun. Except...I was drunk. I said some stupid shit. I'm embarrassed.

I have not heard from J. since. Well, he "liked" a picture of my cat I posted on facebook on Sunday and that's it! No more messages. I messaged him Sat. night after everyone left saying thanks for the ride but nothing back. He doesn't have my phone number...didn't ask for it or anything. I mean, he could obviously get it very easily from anyone if he reallyy wanted to.

I am disheartened. I thought we were clicking. I haven't given up all hope but it's already almost 3 days later. Unless he's playing some serious game I sort of have to take the silence as disinterest. #bummed

My thoughts torment me, telling me it's my fault. It's always my fault. 


Friday, May 2, 2014


Well you guys. I'm doing it. I've had this blog for about six years. I've read my poetry at open mic nights. Writing is my release. At the urging of my therapist, I've placed ads on this blog. Yes, I sold out.

So effing click on them why don't you? ;) Just playing, loves. Don't click. Screw the man!

In other news, it's Friday night and I'm home alone. I walked to the store to buy a can of cat food and grabbed a beer. I sat on my stoop and drank my bud lite and smoked mad cigarettes and texted so many people. And now I'm inside, upstairs. In an hour my friend Jessup is coming over to blaze. I'm out, so I'm excited.

Love life? What love life! Kidding again, there are a few dudes I could have sex with, if need be. The need hasn't quite been there but that's ok. It's all about having the option.

Things with C. are tumultuous as always. He is supposed to be my best (guy) friend but our (mostly my) emotions get the best of us. Every. Time. It's actually a mess right now. Our "friendship" hangs precariously on the line. I am attempting to smooth shit out but I have a temper, ya know?

Which reminds me!! Thanks for the nice words about my pic. I know it's not exactly close up but it's me! xo

I met with the temp agency today. I'll be starting a part time gig next wednesday. It's not much, but it'll help pay the bills right now while I finish my contract at the school. The temp lady loved me, she's going to be looking for full time work as well for me, which would be fantastic. As long as I like it!

And we all know...I'm picky!

Have a great weekend, peeps! Thanks for reading my humble little blog. Think thin ;)

I have no green which means no munchies which means me being thinner than I was yesterday. It's a decent feeling. Especially with summer coming up. Are you ready to bare it all in a bikini? Me neither, let's work it!!!!!!!!!!


PS. Happy May!!!!!!!! Can't wait for some warm weather holy crap.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014


Perhaps you are curious about what I look like, this elusive Sar whose blog you dig.
Go ahead and take a look to the left side of this screen. Yep. It was time to show my face.


PS: Do you know me?

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

The space between our wicked lies

Look away, look away
As April comes to an end I can look back and say with certainty that I've changed. Maybe not a lot but enough. When this month started I was coming off a high. I was hooked on Z. That faded fairly fast, and now I've almost forgotten him. I've realized the truth; I remain logical.

Instead of regret or remorse I am numb.

Today is Tuesday and it's raining. They are calling for rain all week. I got drunk on Sunday. I didn't even mean to. The funny thing with me and drinking is that I never can tell when I'm drunk until it's way, way too late. And the realization doesn't happen half the time. Usually I just do my best to keep the spins at bay and keep my voice under control. No one can tell I'm drunk. Not even me.

I live in a constant altered state. The waves and blips of levels of inebriation do not resonate.

I am running out of money and it's brought aboard my old friend panic. A familiar feeling of stress and anxiety and worry; I am almost comforted by the drama of it all. It's sick. I need to find a job. I will find a job.

God, sometimes I just hate myself! And everyone! I am so concerned always with what everyone else is doing or thinking. I want to know and control it all. But I can't and it eats away at me. I have therapy tonight, good thing. Weekly is working. Tonight will be my third visit and I hope so sincerely that she will see past my facade of wellness.

Time for work. Love love love you.

Saturday, April 19, 2014


I am mourning an invisible person's death, I am lacking insight and clarity and I have questions!! THIS is why they warn against one night stands. Maybe it's better that he doesn't live here. If he did, I would feel even more compelled to hang out. This is a new feeling...or is it? Have I been here before, same fruit - different color? I'm not making any sense. I am caffeinated and pmsing and not happy. I hate feeling like this. Feelings are not my friend today.

I miss Z. Isn't that stupid? I miss him but I don't even know him. I don't have any clue what his life is like or if he's still fooling around on the road with others, and I can't even ask him. I can't do anything but be grateful for the experience.

We have "kept in touch". A smattering of texts. I don't know if it's helping or hurting me.

My period is due to start today. I have the signs and symptoms so FINGERS CROSSED it comes. Because if it doesn't...well, that's not something I can deal with right now.

How do I move on from this? What is the proper course of action? I can't forget him, I won't. But I can't just put my life on hold under the HOPE that MAYBE someday things could change. Too risky? Inherent wishful thinking?

I suppose the solution is to do nothing. Take it as it comes. As Ellie G. would say, "lovers hold on to everything".


It's the weekend. I've been on spring break this whole week. The sun is shining out my window so I'm going to go for another walk today. I've been good about my walks, at least. Gotta tone up for summer.

I've been job searching like crazy! Also considering an out of state move.

I have no idea where to start with that though. According to my parents, you need lots of money (and a job) to move out of state. I do not have either. Have any of you ever moved out of state? How did you do it? Looking for any advice on this, please and thank you!

Well guys...have a happy easter weekend. Take care :-D

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Look out the window, see how the sun is shining? Get offline and go outside!

How are you guys? I'm dandy, quit my serving job at the restaurant last weekend! How irresponsible of me!

According to my mom, the depression is to blame. I am not a lost cause, however, and have scheduled my first appointment with a mental health counselor next week. Here we go again... I am exhausted at the possibility of starting from scratch with my story but it has to be done. I do need help.

I think I know what else I need, just lack the motivation to make a change. So for now I have one part-time job (facing down a week of unpaid vacation - spring break) at the school. I will not be able to survive financially for long. It is time to update my resume and find one full-time job.*

*that I can handle.

I am weak, my friends. Weak and impulsive as fuck lately. The sex. The quitting. The drinking til I puke. Bad decisions coming from a dark place. I don't know if I'm doing this all for the story, to be dramatic...or if I literally cannot help myself.

I have this crazy (but perfectly logical) fear of stds/pregnancy (from my one night stand) and have not even called my gyno yet. Speaking of "him" (let's just call him Z), we've texted a tad but it's faded away. It seems that keeping in touch will not be an everyday thing. At this point I'm just trying to keep it real, not sure where he's at.

Life is varied and without reason! I'm confident and petrified but restless. I crave change but seemingly do better with routine. I want to move so bad. By the ocean. I've been saying it for years!!!! but it hasn't happened. Why do I prefer solitude, my own company over others? I say, "there's no one close to me" and believe it until the reality of it hurts somewhere deep and untouchable.

I need touch and physical proximity but when it's in front of me sometimes I shy away, not being able to handle what comes next - the feelings, the comfortability, the mundane? I know parts of myself and yet there's a never before discovered infinite reservoir within.

I still haven't touched the meds my doc gave me. I self-medicate, look it up.

My heart is racing. I drank two cups of strong coffee and smoked a little herb. I vacuumed and called my mother. I'm actually going home for the afternoon - laundry and dinner with the family. Pizza. Which is why I'm not eating lunch. Yes, I'm trying to restrict.

I need to be out in the sunshine. It's beckoning me!

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Is there a reason for anything?

It's late Friday night. I worked until 1AM and there is nothing to eat here. I'm smoking and drinking water. I feel the emptiness within. I've been starving myself all week. I need to be thinner. I let it go for a brief bit, but that's done.

We texted a few days but conversation with Z. faded quicker than I thought. I never got the plan B. I could give a damn right now.

I drank so much at work tonight. Everyone was. It's getting bad there.

It's late and I'm supposed to be back in a few hours for a meeting. I've made the decision to skip it. I'll get there when I get there to work a freaking double. Screw them. So much drama. Everyone is fake. It's stressful and I'm getting ready for a change..

C. has been really volatile, accusing, and defensive towards me. He sent me some dramatic texts and even called me when I was at work tonight. Of course he doesn't answer when I call him back. Men! So confusing and fickle.

I need to sleep. Good night.

Monday, March 31, 2014


Unprotected sex with an understudy. He was passing through town, on tour, and ended up in my section of the restaurant on Saturday. I waited on him, we flirted, he left his number and we met up after my shift. We clicked with an interesting rapport. A real mental connection. Of course my fragile heart got involved. We spent the night together in the hotel and even had breakfast. A first for me, usually I try to get out of an intimate situation as fast as I can.

He is already in another city. I texted him "bon voyage" this morning, he said "thank you" and that's it. I can't blow up his phone but I want to keep texting him. I want to hold on tight to the night we shared but for what reason?

I am not interested in a long distance relationship and he will be away for months. Plus he will probably renew his contract which would extend his tour until next year. Before we parted: he said I could travel to see him, that I'd have a place to stay. Did he mean it? Did I ask him? No. Our goodbye was quick. I erupted into tears as he strode away, purposefully.

What was it about him? Or is it just the fact that we had sex? I have been crying off and on for 24 hours. My bff is advising me to take the "plan b" pill, but I'm apprehensive. I've never taken it before. He pulled out. Stuff happens though, and some secret messed up part of me is imagining what if? I'll probably take the pill as a precautionary measure for my own peace of mind. Fifty bucks down the drain.

Deep breath. I am drinking a whiskey and iced tea. I am off tonight, thank god, because work is just going to remind me of him. God, it's so unfair. I finally meet a smart, sexy, kind, and generous man but he is the worst kind of unavailable!! It felt right! He propositioned me. He paid for me. He noticed things about me. He talked to me. He kissed me. I did nothing but be myself!

I got a taste of this...good feeling. He is someone I would want to be with, for real. I haven't felt this in so long. And yet...he's gone. I don't know how he REALLY feels. I'm not going to chase him. I suppose I have to accept what is. The ball is in his court.

The truth is, I could feel myself acting different around him the "morning after". I was self-conscious, shy, and being weird. I knew the inevitability of him leaving and I put a wall up. Looking back now, I should've been better, I should've lightened up a bit. I'm going to try and leave this all as an experience I'll never forget. He left an impact on me. If circumstances were different, we'd be in each other's lives. I will say...the sex was great.

My thoughts are all over the place right now. My will to write has been lacking. I need to try harder in so many areas of my life. I want love so bad. I have to love myself first. I have to be secure somehow.

I "miss" him but it's not miss. It's a kind of mourning...the loss of a potential friend or maybe more...the loss of the part of my heart that he took on a plane with him this morning, as he flew in a big silver bird across the country, away from here, away from me. With me and away from me and I'm without.

I'm hurting but I'll be ok. I don't know what's going to happen but I know that I will be alright.


Sunday, March 23, 2014

Relaxed reflections

A day off! What to do? I think I will rearrange some furniture. It's Spring now, after all. Always a great time to refresh the space or look.

Speaking of which, I have great eyebrows. I have been "growing them out" for awhile, years maybe, because I overplucked a bit in college. My aim has been to achieve a fuller, face-framing look and it's here. I pluck, I've never gotten them waxed. Maybe I'll show you sometime.

What's been going on with me: Work, lots of it. Surprises taped to my front door from my best (guy) friend, C. (Who I've wrote about before). Getting over being sick. Binging a little, feeling fat and thin in the same day. Lots of weed and music. Encounters with exes. 

My mood has been somewhat stable this week. There are a few things I've done lately that make me feel proud of myself. Like when someone gave me too much change while breaking a twenty dollar bill at work, being honest and giving the ones back (instead of pocketing them). Or when I asked my dad to have dinner, just us two, and we went. Or when I stopped at my friend's house who was having a bad day and cheered her up.

I've been working on being more honest. I am trying to rack up positive moral karma. I am trying to be a good person. I AM a good person. A great person? TBD..

I know I've been wrong and bad and been involved with dishonest affairs of the heart and mind. I am not perfect. I have struggled and self-sabotaged. I will most likely continue to fuck up, as people tend to do. But I have been making a concentrated effort to "do the right thing". When I try to explain this to the few people I've tried to explain it to...I've been met with silence or questioning. Do you understand?

It's my day to myself and I vow here and now that I will not waste it. Granted, it's 12:15 and I'm still drinking my coffee and trying to get motivated. Mary jane accompanies me. Also, the xx radio on Pandora.


Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Woke up in a pissed off mood. Screamed at my cat. Brewed some coffee. Started the dishes. Took a hit of weed and have been blasting music for 45 minutes. Now it's time to shower and go to work. I'm trying so hard to turn this day around.

It's been a good week. I can't let the darkness in/win.

Thursday, March 6, 2014


Morning everyone. I have health insurance now (thanks Obama!) so I went to my doctor the other day for a physical. I left with four prescriptions. She gave me amoxicillin and ibuprofen for my sinus infection (yep) and xanax and zoloft for my depression/anxiety. I haven't touched the latter. I'm dead scared too. Weight gain is a side effect and I'm in way too much denial to take crazy pills.

I have been taking the other stuff. Been sleeping like a log. Starting to feel a bit better thankfully. Currently flying on some strong coffee and about to leave for work. I missed two days again this week.

D. and I texted a little and he insisted that he hasn't hooked up with that other girl. I am caring less and less. Also, M. and I hung out the other night for like four hours at my place. We were sober (at first) which was a first - until we blazed. Then we had two beers. Then we kissed. Remember M.? Apparently this is still a thing.

Go me, "hooking up" with two guys in just over a week. No sex. Lots of tongue kissing. It feels good to be desired, even if it's only sexually.

Gotta bounce. Peace!

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Hotel song

So I survived a partial shift at work with D. We haven't texted or anything since Fri. He was coming in today as I was leaving; approximately 25 minutes of awkwardness, at least for me, while I rolled silverware and pretended to never see him.

That's right, I completely ignored his presence, outwardly. Inside my head and heart I was so aware of him. He looked gorgeous, for one thing. I am very attracted to him. Why wouldn't I be? I have a soft spot for handsome asshats, remember?

For his credit - he was acting different too. More reserved, noticeably less flirty, and I even caught him looking at me. Once.

*one hour later*

Just got off the phone with my sister. I love and miss her (she lives out of state). I'm all talked out. Peace!

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Bad girls like bad boys

Well it appears that D. (dude from work that I hung out with three times and made out a lot with) is actually a huge player. LMAO at my stupidity. WHY do I keep liking the players? WHY do I think I stand a chance against the games and smooth tactics and god damn lies?

Let's back up. Tuesday. Me and D. get drinks after work. We have a great time. Talking. Connecting, Kissing. We end up back at his place making out for hours in his bed and cuddling the rest of the night. I was *feeling it* you guys...and I've been on "cloud nine" because of it. And then...tonight. Work. He is a crazy flirt with just about every girl, one in particular. As the hours pass by I become weakened. And then it's clear to me to the kind of guy he is. UNAVAILABLE. And I feel so stupid.

And it hurts. And now it's 3AM and I've had two beers and a toke and a cigarette. I'm feeling some feelings. I texted him that I think he's a player and I want it all behind me. It's late - I know he worked two jobs today and has his kids. He may be sleeping (we both worked until 2AM) and obviously has not responded. Do I care?

Do I even give two shyts? Maybe. No. I don't know, probably. You guys understand, right?

Jesus. I am regressing. 27 going on 14. It's sickening and I hate myself and yet I just want to be kind to myself. But it's so hard when I get involved in these...situations.

All I can do is blast some Florence and the Machine and tell myself it'll be ok. Hopefully.

Friday, February 21, 2014

The latest

It's been a week since I've posted and of course there have been changes. To start: I worked late nights last weekend to a hungry, cheap crowd. All of the servers were frustrated and dejected. There is a guy at work that I find attractive. We went out for a drinks with one of the cooks a few weeks ago. I've worked with him a few times since.

So last Friday, after a bat shit crazy shift (Valentine's day) we decided to go get wasted. It was 2AM. You know where this is going, right? We ended up back at my place "for a glass of wine". One minute we are sitting on my couch looking at videos of his kids (yes KIDS) the next we're making out.

Next thing I  know I'm waking up in my bed (alone), with a vague recollection of what happened. I blacked out. We both did. In the morning he joined me in bed and we joked and laughed. Real laughs. He had to go back to work for a double and I would be in later. I sent him off with an apple and he gave me chills down my spine with a soft neck smooch.

He actually texted me a few hours later. When I went to work, we were flirty and extra polite and maybe even blushing a bit, both of us unsure of how everything went down but with the shared knowledge that we kissed and then went to sleep. Seperately.

I haven't worked with him since then and I checked the schedule, I won't be seeing him this weekend. As you might expect, I'm slightly attached now. Trying not to be. Him and I have had a connection since he started at the restaurant, a few weeks after me. I feel like I am very real and true to self around him, even if it's me just being a drunken hot mess.

Sigh. He has two kids that live on the other side of the state. He drives out there every other weekend. He has an ex-gf. He has baggage, clearly, but who doesn't? I don't even know how he feels. There have been no mentions made of a real "hang out". Oh, and he's very flirty with everyone. He is so outgoing, but with an old fashioned charm. He unlocked and opened the car door for me which REALLY impresses me because it happens so rarely. He also paid for my drinks.

So, we'll see. You guys know me, Ms. Boy Crazy. At least I'm over M. He's texted me a time or two and I've just ignored it. In other news, I was quite sick all week. Finally feeling better. I'm working tonight, all weekend actually. Just took some dayquil and a vitamin for the hell of it.

My mood is somewhat stable today. A little anxiety last night. I've made a few important calls and resolved a few nagging issues so patting myself on the back for taking care of business. I've been eating alright, whenever I get sick I get super paranoid so I am sure to eat vegetables, fruit, whole grains, and tea. I also swear by Oregano Spirits. Oh, and I've been smoking consistently. No cigs though (win).

Have a great weekend!

I'm going to hop in the shower and take my time getting ready for work. When I'm made up with my hair done I feel way more confident. Thinking big money, too. Send money luck my way I'm working for those tip$ guys! :)


Friday, February 14, 2014


I've had stomach issues lately. Last night, I woke up and puked. I tried to stop it. I didn't want to throw up. But it had to come out. It was so weird throwing up because I am sick (?) and not because I'm making myself purge. The difference between the two is real and my struggle to control it bothered me.

I still feel nauseous. I called in sick to work today but I absolutely have to work tonight at my other job. I'll be there in two hours, rain or shine. I need to shower and try to feel better. I haven't ate. I feel dizzy. To top it off my period started today. Guess we'll just see how it goes.

[TMI alert]
It's sad how much I love looking at my stomach after a hearty puke and like 15 hours without food. It came out so violently and painfully last night that it even went in my nose. So I smell it today but I feel thin. A sick and twisted trade off.

I gotta go, you guys. Happy V day, if you celebrate. I am (obviously) not. Sick, working, no valentine...but it's alright. It really is.


Saturday, February 8, 2014

The mind of a sociopath

What's that saying, it take 21 days to form a routine, or something similar. I've been singing the same self-destructive sermon for a decade. It doesn't feel like there's hope for me.

Saturday (today): Sleep in. Struggle to physically leave my bed. My body aches. My stomach sticks out, the product of a late night numbing binge. My face itches. My hair feels gross. My thoughts instantly turn dark. I put on my glasses and gaze around my room - it's a mess. Clothes everywhere. A dusty floor. Chaos leaking out of my closet. Ghetto posters left over from college taped to my cracking walls. 

Walk into the living room and it's the same story. Messy and unorganized. It stinks. I need to clean the cat's litter but oops, forgot to buy cat litter when I was at the store last night (buying frozen pizza). Walk into my tiny kitchen and put the coffee on. Wash dishes. Leave on the counter to dry. Check facebook and feel depressed all over again. Pour cup of coffee. Repeat. Now I'm here.

I have reached a new level of depression. This wave has brought me down below the ocean floor. This entire week was AWFUL. My mood was TERRIBLE. I binged EVERY DAY. I spent money on fast food nearly every day. I got a parking ticket. My hair looks like shit (I cut it). My attitude has just been straight up poor and I've done NOTHING to help myself.

On top of everything, I was "called off" work at the restaurant TWICE this week. I just paid rent. I am BROKE and PISSED about it.

Looking back to Monday...my good friend came over. We had a nice talk. Her life is going great. Full time job, new boyfriend she met online who adores her. She's pretty, with money. And...she told me that I lost weight. I denied it immediately. There's no way, right? But apparently my stupid subconscious was like SCORE now you can EAT!. And eat, I did.

And now I sit here, with the understanding that I spent at least $40 on binge food this week, with the stomach of a fat person, with the mind of a sociopath, and I just...hate myself. So inexplicably much.

I'm supposed to go home today. To do laundry and file my taxes. Haven't seen my parents in about a month. It's already 1PM and I haven't showered. Must. Get. Moving.

Oh, and last time I wrote about M. I was fine, dealing with it alright...until he pulled the disappearing act again. I emailed him, kept it cool and casual and he wrote me back right away. Basically saying that he was sexually attracted to me but didn't appreciate my attitude (remember I told you I was swearing at him via text before he came over?). He said, "it's not a good idea for me to be around people who lose their cool so much."

Ah, hell, he's right. I do lose it. I lose my mind. I am unable to stop myself. I am so lost.

How do I turn it around, you guys? How can I help myself?? 

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Guess who slept over last night?

So here's how it happened: I worked last night. I was only there for a couple hours but I made decent money and had a customer compliment me. I was feeling good. I hadn't drank all week so I stopped at the store on my way home for some wine. It was on sale, two for $10.

I came home, poured a glass, grabbed my pipe, and slipped into something more comfortable. I sat down at my laptop and proceeded to veg out for a bit. Then I read something about how "all work and no play makes people dull". I don't want to be dull. I decided to liven up my night and text some guys, including M. and my neighbor Jake.

Jake instantly texted me back and invited me over for a drink. His buddy was coming too. At this point I'm two glasses in. I quickly got ready and walked across the street to his house. We ended up listening to music, playing cards and drinking games. It was a mellow mood, nothing crazy, but I had a fun time and got trashed. I finished the entire bottle of chardonnay. The guys were going to go out to the bar and I was not up for it so they walked me home. I looked at my phone. M. had texted me again, we had been texting for a few hours...

So I'm laying on the couch in my apartment at 2AM and we're sending crazy text messages. I'm saying I'm mad at you, swearing (ie. fuck you and go to hell), etc...basic psychotic babble typical from me. I'm wasted, falling asleep with my phone by my ear. 

RING goes the phone and it's M. He's HERE, down in my entranceway. (I give him props for remembering which house is mine, I couldn't pick his out). I run down the stairs in a blur, swing open the door, and there is he, smiling at me.

It was the first time I've seen him since the dick sucking drama. He comes upstairs and we start talking stuff out intensely and honestly because we are both under the influence. I turn on the music. We smoke, drink. Later we're outside smoking a cigarette (probably 4:30AM) and he asks if he can crash on my couch.

What was I going to say, no? Of course not. I said that's fine. ;)

Fast forward 15-20 minutes and he's in my bedroom, on my bed, petting my cat, who is sleeping there. I join them, the cat jumps away. It's just me and M., in my bed. He takes off his shirt and asks me if I'm comfortable. I say not yet and get up to brush my teeth, wash my face, take out my contacts, and change. I put on some soft pj pants and a flimsy cami. No bra. 

We hadn't kissed or anything up until that point. The vibe had been pretty positive with a little sexual tension in the air. Laying next to him felt really good. We started making out. hardcore. It was getting really hot and heavy with our bodies pressed against each other. The blankets fell to the floor in our passion. And there truly was passion...we were really in the moment.

I *knew* that I would not go "all the way"!! I have suffered in the past weeks over getting so intimate with him before being in an exclusive relationship. I knew *for certain* what the boundary was and made it clear to him, which he respected.

We just danced on the edge. And it was truly amazing.

I need to be blunt, because as you know when writing your mind can veer off. I'm there last night right now (in my thoughts). We could've fucked *so* easily and it would have been so good. So good. He was turning me on soo much. I was really into it. We both were.

This hasn't happened in a long time. I haven't been getting much action at all...since my ex and I broke up last April.

Anyway, we didn't have sex or oral sex, just some kissing and touching and I have zero regrets. I feel fine with happened. All I can do is not overthink everything.

This morning was interesting/cute. We only slept for a few hours when he rolled over and asked me what time it was. He had to get up early today because he's helping shoot a music video for a local band.

We cuddled for a couple minutes and actually did the morning breath kiss (which I hate) but I didn't mind. Too much. He got out of bed and started pacing around my apartment, getting tylenol, getting dressed, making phone calls, and then out of the blue he started talking to me. About feelings and shit. I responded in my somewhat sober tough as nails but detached way. I am not sure what we concluded, if anything.

Then he was gone and I was alone, so unbelievably hungover (bottle of wine and barely anything to eat - amateur mistake). After puking my guts out, I went back to sleep.

The only other person who slept in my bed here in this apartment was my ex.
My head is still pounding. Need to shower and get out to the store. There is literally no food here. 

I will buy fruit, soup, peanut butter, raisins, mixed nuts, salad, frozen vegetables, probably some sliced cheese and maybe chocolate. Pretty normal trip for me. This is what I eat. (I usually have whole grain bread in the house also). Trying to expand my horizons with food. I never cook. I want to be more feminine and embrace cooking. I felt bad that I couldn't even make him something to eat this morning.

Oh my god. M. slept over and we hooked up. I'm amazed at how things come full circle. I was getting over him! I wasn't stalking his fb page (anymore). I didn't respond when he texted me on Wednesday (forgot to mention that). I now realize that we will most likely cross paths again. I am alright with this new development. This thing between us does not feel finished.

Still busy as hell and just going to focus on me, but I want more of that hot passion. Getting a little action is good. Fingers crossed we pick it up where we left off. Who knows what will happen? Such is life.

Thanks for sticking through to the end, I know this was a long post. I am going to start my day now (my only day off this week). It is evening technically and we got so much more snow but I'm going to make some moves and ensure a good rest of my night. Gotta nurse this hangover still. Back to work in the AM.

Men. Can't live with them. Can't live without them.
Love you so much, readers.
and love...

Edited to say: I never made it to the store.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

In your atmosphere

Greetings Earthlings.

I'm chillen in between jobs. I'm essentially working a split shift monday through friday. Job number one in the morning. Job number two in the evening. Errands/nap in the two hours between. Doubles on the weekend.

This month started off with binging. Well...no more. I am back on track and very motivated to lose weight. My latest thing is cheekbones. I think sharp bones on a woman's cheek are incredibly stunning. This is my next goal. My face tends to puff up and I need to shed some pounds so I don't look like a cow.

I ended up having this stupid text convo with M. where I told him I felt used and he said "I def didn't use anybody" like a little bitch.

Ahem. I'm trying not to be hateful but it's hard because he hurt me. We have not been talking at all, or texting, or hanging out since that last time. He can deny it all he wants but something obviously happened: he either got what he wanted or decided I was a ho who sucks everyone's dick and didn't care to continue where we left off.

Little does he know. I'm not a slut. I don't do that all the time. I was enjoying his company. 

Anyway, in the above mentioned text conversation he apologized (no explanation or suggestion to hang though). Yes, it was over text but it's better than nothing...and it *seemed* sincere. So I'll give him that. I just need to be OVER IT all. It's taking too long. 

I had a legit debate with myself today about deleting him from facebook. How did I not realize that he comes across like such a player? The past five or six people that have posted on his wall are all chicks! I don't want to see it and I don't necessarily have the discipline not to look. In the end, I kept him as a "friend" on there and WILL make it a point to stop checking his page. I deserve the peace.

I am exhausted. I've been smoking way too much and working wayy too much and sleeping like shit. The best thing I'm currently doing is making sure I at least get my veggies. Gotta get ready for the restaurant. Best thing about it is all the walking around and lifting heavy plates. 

Hope all is well with ya'll.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Do I wanna know?

It hurts to hurt. I'm not in a good place right now. I couldn't sleep again last night, my racing thoughts and heart were echoing the anxiety I've felt for so long now. I think I need meds or a shrink. I'm not happy. I'm so full of hatred. I hate hating myself. It's hard to stop when I screw things up so unbelievably much.

Since M. didn't bother to contact me, I couldn't resist seeing what would happen if I reached out. Two nights ago I sent him a funny text. He responded immediately asking how I am. I texted him back after like 15 minutes and then never got another response.

So yeah, here I am two days later feeling the void of rejection and vulnerability. It's a shitty void to feel, not like the good void of restriction. I hate myself for caring. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate myself for giving him head. We are not dating. Why did I allow such intimacy? How could I be so stupid??


Wednesday, January 8, 2014


I feel like such an ass. You know how M. and I have been talking again? Well he came over last night. My area has been getting rocked by the blizzard so everyone has basically been staying in and drinking. Anyway - I was drunk. We were hanging out, smoking, talking, listening to music and just enjoying each other's company in a mellow setting.

The next moment we're kissing and getting naked. He's hard as a rock. I put my hand on him and he says in a soft voice, "you've made my dick hard". I knew what to do. The choice had to be made. I say back, "maybe I should do something about it" or something sexual like that. He sits down on my couch, I get on my knees and suck him off quickly and expertly. His cock is huge.

It was awkward afterward. We're half dressed and he just came. Normally a guy would be like, "my turn". Well my life isn't fucking normal. He didn't say anything, just put his clothes and coat on and started for the goddamn door. No pleasure for me. No offer to go down on me. No "that was the best blow job I've ever had". No text when he got home. And haven't heard from him yet today.

I feel like such a fucking ass. Did he use me?? We were having a good time and this was like the fifth or sixth time we've hung out. I was just "in the moment" you know?? Am I a slut?? For what it's worth, he does seem like a decent guy. I just don't know him well enough.

Feeling so confused today. Trying like hell not to regret. Trying not to send him a text. Thank god I go to work soon. That will get my mind off this mess. Maybe it's not really a mess and I'm totally overreacting. Maybe he feels ashamed. Maybe he feels nothing. Maybe he is done with me. Maybe he is a total player...

...which reminds me. Him and I are facebook friends and he's been on fb all day (per the newsfeed scroll thing on the side). Becoming friends with people. Liking people's stuff. Some fake looking blonde wrote on his wall today, "hello old friend" or some crap like that and HE WROTE HI HOW R YA? BACK.

Fuck! I'm an idiot.

Deep breath. No regrets.

Chalk it up as experience.

This is not the end of the world.

Stop freaking out and get on with your day.

Any comments/ideas/advice GREATLY WELCOMED at this point.